TMS Beer Project: Dos Equis Amber

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Dos Equis Amber

Brewery: Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma, S.A. de C.V.
Type: Vienna Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 9.5
This is a very smooth beer. It has a mild malty taste with a hint of caramel and some smokiness. It goes really well with a meal at your favorite Mexican restaurant, especially something spicy. The flavor of the beer really seems to meld with the spicy peppers and chillies found in Mexican dishes and enhances the overall experience of both the beer and the meal.

Personally, I could drink these all night long, my one complaint being that the last few swallows from the bottle taste a little watery to me. I've had Dos Equis Amber in Mexican restaurants with a lime and at home without and I actually prefer it without. The lime flavor obscures some of this beer's natural smokiness and to me, that's a bad thing. The only other Mexican beer I've ever had is Corona and flavorwise, this kicks Corona's ass.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 5
These aren't real heavy, which is one reason they go so well with a real stick to your ribs meal. (See above for my comment on the last few swallows from the bottle.) This is a great beer for drinking while you're throwing some seasoned steak on the grill on a warm summer day.


Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3
Dos Equis Amber has an alcohol content of 4.75%. I'm a drinking lightweight and I have to knock back almost a sixer of these before I start getting buzzed. If you're looking to get drunk, this is not the beer for you, son. These are perfect to drink with people you'd rather not embarrass yourself in front of, like your co-workers or your wife.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Bill Clinton, Ernest Hemingway, and of course, The Most Interesting Man in the World.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: I paid $14.00 for a 12 pack of this stuff. Worth every penny.

Overall: 9

In all honesty, I'm hardly a beer expert. Of all the Bartenders, I'm probably the least knowledgeable about beer, particularly smaller, independent breweries. I also have very little money, so I don't experiment very often. I tend to find something I like and stick with it for long stretches of time. I tried one of these in my favorite Mexican restaurant and have been hooked ever since. So take my opinion for what it's worth, but this has become my beer of choice over the past month or so.

War Criminal: 2009 Cubs Named Aaron

Ugh. I hate you, 2009 Cubs Named Aaron.

I hate you so much that it’s beginning to impair my judgment.

When I see one of your names in a lineup, or a box score, or on the back of a jersey in the bullpen, I seethe with a rage I used to reserve for Will Ohman. 2009 Cubs Named Aaron, you are worse than tuberculosis, kitten drowning, and a Sex and the City marathon combined. If you had a collective neck, and this neck was lying in front of me, I would step on it and twist. I hope to one day eat a delicious McRib while watching you choke on a tightly compacted ball of cilantro and my own bile.

Aaron Heilman, you aren’t even the closer and you have blown SIX saves. If you aren’t leading the league in that, you’re damn close. And I’m beginning to think that if we called Doug Dascenzo up, he could do better than a WHIP of 1.55. Before you start trying to defend yourself, remember that your league-slightly-below-average ERA+ of 98 certainly does not make up for the fact that your face reminds me of Todd Hollandsworth, whom I have no nostalgia for (though I bet HE wouldn’t shit the bed as badly in leverage situations).

Aaron Miles? I don’t give a crap what Arcturus says, because even he knows the truth. You are a War Criminal. You have never grown on me. Not even in the sense of a fungus. I know I should be all stats-nerdy, but the fact that you are about 2 more bad games away from hitting my weight says all I need to know, you sub-Mendoza water baby.

Is it entirely within the realm of reality for Jim Hendry to find a second baseman that doesn’t meet any of the following 3 criteria?

1. Is too short to ride the Cyclone on Coney Island.
2. Can grow a douchey beard between innings.
3. Sucks.

Because you meet all three, you slap-hitting Travelocity gnome.

Holy crap, I just checked your OPS. I think the damn gnome could have done better than .489. Hell, on further inspection, your career OPS makes me long for the heady days of Neifi Perez. I’m beginning to think Bobby Scales actually SHOULD be up in the Big Show instead of what I can only assume is a Cardinals sleeper agent.

Clearly, the “AA” in “2009 Cubs Named Aaron” is a hint. Ship these fools to the Smokies, and leave them there.

P.S. I’ve got my eye on you, “Aaron” Samardzija.

Cubs of Yore: Doug Dascenzo

Nickname: Lil' Doug

Played for The Cub: '88 through '92

Random Write-up: What can you really say about Lil' Doug? He was a fan favorite and definitely a favorite of Harry. The guy was usually utilized as a defensive replacement in late innings or to provide some speed on the bases. Doug played for mostly underachieving Cub teams with the exception of the miracle year of '89. I'll be realistic, I had to do a bit of research to get things to say about Doug. The one thing I remember distinctly was The Dibble Game. Lil' Doug dropped down a bunt and Dibbs was so pissed that he took the ball and soaked ol' Doug right in the back on purpose. The Nasty Boy received a suspension for that chicanery.

A funny story I uncovered on Doug came courtesy of The Bullpen Wiki: Once, a Chicago newspaper at the season's all-star break asked the players on both local teams to give themselves a grade based on how they played so far on the year. Dascenzo gave himself an A+. He may have been the only player on either team to do so. He said he was doing exactly what the team wanted him to do.

It's that kind of moxie that kept him in the bigs!

What the hell?: Some of you Cub diehards may remember when Doug would come in and pitch in blowout losses. I know what you're thinking...Jose Canseco and all the other non-pitchers who came in and got shelled. Don't assume it happened to Lil' Doug. Career pitching numbers: 4 appearances, 5 innings pitched, 3 hits given up, 2 walks, 2 K's, NO EARNED RUNS. Maybe Zimmer should have pitched him more?

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $955,000.00 -- not bad for a utility guy, eh? Back in November of aught six, Doug was named coach of the Ft. Wayne Wizards, replacing Randy Ready. And that meant lucky Quad Citians like myself could go down and watch an ex-Cub manage against our team, joining the likes of Ryne Sandberg, Jody Davis, and Mike Harkey - all who've been A-ball managers. And really, isn't it the little reasons like that that you go to watch an A-ball game?

TMS Fantasy Football 2009 Rankings: Quarterback

It's time once again for my annual fantasy football rankings. Today I'll start with quarterback. Obviously an all-important position for your team and a common one folks tend to panic and reach for come draft day. Luckily I'm here to help.

Wait, so do I draft a QB in the first round?
Eh, depends. I'm still a firm believer in drafting a solid RB first, but if you're in a bigger league and have a late pick it may be worth taking a QB if the top RBs you targeted are gone. That being said if you can't get someone named Drew, Tom or Peyton, don't bother. Wait, I repeat WAIT for a while and target for a QB in the 5th or 6th round. I guarantee someone will still be around that will be a more than suitable starter for you. Focus on getting your top RB and WR spots filled in the first few rounds.

So who wouldn't you pick?
Eli Manning. I won't lie, I hate Eli more than cilantro. Well maybe that's pushing it. I hate him slightly less than cilantro. Either way, Eli's overhyped "talent" does not equate well in the fantasy world. Yes I have him ranked 15th, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't still consider taking guys ranked lower on just a gut instinct when I'm on the clock. Besides, blindly following any cheat sheet as gospel is asinine, even if it's one you've created yourself.

Who would you take later in the draft for a #2 QB?
Sage Rosenfels. He's been around the league for quite a while now and is finally getting a chance to be the #1 starter for a team. This may the first and last time I endorse an Iowa State alum for anything, ever.

What about rookies?
What about them? I'm sure the success of Matt Ryan is going to have folks thinking about Mark Sanchez or Matthew Stafford for their team. Matt Ryan was the exception to the rule. Unless you're in a keeper league and can stash one away for next season, I wouldn't bother on draft day.

Wait, let's back up. You want me to wait if I can't land one of the top 3 QBs right away?
Yes, I'm serious. Look at the top 14 QBs listed. I could live with any of them as my starter. I assure you one of them will still be available come round 5. If not then you're probably in a league of morons and you will still win since you drafted 3 kickass RBs and 1 kickass WRs at that point. Then just draft Sage Rosenfels later and call it good.

Jay Culter or Kyle Orton?
I'm partial to diabetics.

Is drafting a Buffalo QB ever a good decision?
If it were 1991, then yes.

(4 months from now) Dude this advice was bullshit. Sage Rosenfels sucked and Eli Manning ended up being the best fantasy QB of 2009.
But at least you failed with dignity.

Now here are the rankings. If I get a chance I may post an update later this month.

QUARTERBACK

RK	PLAYER, TEAM	RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Drew Brees, NO	16.	Matt Hasselbeck, SEA
2.	Tom Brady, NE	17.	Kyle Orton, DEN
3.	Peyton Manning, IND	18.	Trent Edwards, BUF
4.	Aaron Rodgers, GB	19.	David Garrard, JAC
5.	Philip Rivers, SD	20.	Jason Campbell, WAS
6.	Kurt Warner, ARI	21.	Joe Flacco, BAL
7.	Tony Romo, DAL	22.	Jake Delhomme, CAR
8.	Donovan McNabb, PHI	23.	Chad Pennington, MIA
9.	Jay Cutler, CHI	24.	Shaun Hill, SF
10.	Matt Schaub, HOU	25.	Brady Quinn, CLE
11.	Matt Ryan, ATL	26.	Marc Bulger, STL
12.	Carson Palmer, CIN	27.	Sage Rosenfels, MIN
13.	Ben Roethlisberger, PIT	28.	Kerry Collins, TEN
14.	Matt Cassel, KC	29.	JaMarcus Russell, OAK
15.	Eli Manning, NYG	30.	Mark Sanchez, NYJ

On the edge of the radar: Matthew Stafford DET, Byron Leftwich TB, Daunte Culpepper DET, Luke McCown TB, Kellen Clemens NYJ, Derek Anderson CLE

I Can't Drive 25

Yeah bitch, your steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car for starters.

Hey asshole! Yeah, you trying to turn ONTO the off ramp. Oh, wait you just realized that you were turning into oncoming traffic. Apparently that 18 wheeler barreling down on you triggered some sort-of fight or flight response. Amazingly, you made the right decision.

Only now you're trying desperately trying to get back into the lane from whence you came. Except now the traffic behind you no longer has a red stoplight, so they are coming at you going 50 mph. Look, the guy in front of me coming at you figured it out. Thank God. But now neither of you can figure out where to go from here, so you've both given up. Great. A Mexican standoff. A game of chicken between two stopped cars.
WILL SOMEONE FUCKING GO!?!

Hey look, while I'm stopped and waiting for both of you, some douchebag in a F-350 with a lift kit is coming up from behind me and is apparently getting a blowjob or something, because he's not slowing down. Apparently he doesn't understand the red lights on the back of my car mean I have the brakes applied. Whew, he finally realizes he is about totally rear end me and locks up hits breaks, coming about 6 inches from monster truck driving over my Honda Civic.

Thank God! It looks like doucebag A and douchebag B have decided that they want to join the rest of us on the road and actually drive our cars. I pull up behind and next to said douchebags at the next stoplight. Hey, OLD DUDES, are you okay? Cause it looks like Jesus took your souls back in 1982. Seriously, are those sunglasses, or just a black sheet of construction paper designed to look like shades. YOU ARE OLD AS FUCK!

I understand living in Arizona, complaining about old people driving is like surfing in shark infested waters with a bleeding foot and not expecting to get eaten, but GET OFF THE ROAD!

When I moved to Arizona a couple years ago I got my new license. It doesn't expire until 2043. No, that's not a typo. I don't have to renew my license in more than 30 years! I will be past retirement age by that time and be one of those old fucks on the road, all driving around willy-nilly without a care or clue as to what's going on around me.

Until then, in order to not die while driving on the highway I have to follow the rules of driving survival in Arizona, because if it's not a 103 year old retiree in a Cadillac, it's a 16 year old sophomore girl, texting her friend and teasing her hair. Did you also know that in Arizona driving school is optional? My girlfriend grew up here and doesn't have a clue about the basic rules of the road. I had to learn to how to drive by taking a driving class in high school, everyday, for an entire semester, in the middle of the winter on unplowed roads. Out here, nothing.

Anyways, the basic rules on how native Arizonians drive on the highway:

1. The on-ramp is used to achieve a speed of 20 mph before entering a highway of cars going 65 miles an hour, thus making sure to cut off cars and cause backups and accidents while merging.
2. The left lanes of the highway are used for the slowest cars.
3. Unlike most states, AZ has no minimum speed limit, so by all means, drive 30 mph if you feel like it, but make sure to use the left hand lanes.
4. If you need to change lanes, just do it. Don't worry about checking your mirrors or blind spot. Just make sure not to use your turn signal, or if you do, make sure to use the wrong one.
5. If you are going to stay in your lane, make sure to have your turn signal on. Nothing says I'm paying attention like driving for 15 miles with your right turn signal on.
6. Those lane lines: just suggestions.
7. Make sure to come to a complete stop for anything on the side of the road with flashing lights. Not just accidents, but regular traffic stops. You never know what you might see, and it's not like people are trying to go anywhere.
8. Talking on the phone or texting is a must. And none of that Bluetooth shit.
9. If you need to leave the highway, make sure to wait until the very last moment, and then cut across 3 lanes of traffic to get to the off ramp. Remember to of course ignore your mirrors, blind spot and turn signal.
10. If it for some crazy reason rains, the new speed limit is now 30 mph. But seriously, feel free to drive 15 mph if you feel safer. I mean, it's just a highway.

So there you have it. If you plan on coming out to visit for Spring Training next year, be sure to remember these rules to avoid the inevitable accident of being someone who actually knows how to drive.

Go Cubs!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 32 Hits & Counting

It's been kind of a rough stretch for the Bionic Man. He's sporting a .204 average and has struck out 53 times in 50 games. Hill remains the only catcher on the Cubs active roster, save backup Jake Fox, and he continues to grind it out behind the plate. This is really where Hill has shone. In 393.2 innings, Hill has allowed one past ball and nailed 13 of 30 would be base stealers. He's currently sporting a .995 fielding percentage. Man, if only he could hit a little bit more. Since Geovany Soto went down, Hill has caught 207 innings, the most in the majors. Koyie is hardcore, folks. Soto will hopefully rejoin the Cubs on Friday, at which time Koyie will get some much deserved time off to get his titanium knees rebuilt and his Luke Skywalker hand recalibrated. It should also give him plenty of time to track down Leo Nunez. I would make sure I would look both ways before crossing the street, Leo. And watch your back, because Koyie's coming for you.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:


Koyie Hill's dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even Koyie Hill's dick's dick is bigger than your dick (Plus its caught a few games at the AAA level and is just waiting for its big break).

Summer Games: Makeout Point

Now that summer is here, it's time to get that itchy shirt off and get outside. This is doubly true in times of Cub woe that we're currently experiencing - we need something to pass the time and dull the pain. Summer Games will examine some classic outside games, carefully choosing ones that lend themselves to shirtless participation and the coexistence of your favorite summer beverage.

If it really is summer, then bring on the ladies. You can search the world over for a real Spanish Fly, and you'll eventually find that when you find El Dorado. The only proven aphrodisiacs in this world are warm weather, a scenic view, and an automobile. (Although Chaim Witz will ferociously argue that "a healthy dousing of Brut cologne" works as well. We shall leave this to the reader.) Women are helpless against this veteran move. It's a timeless classic, and for good reason.

If I need to explain to you what this is, you might be in some serious trouble and I might suggest brushing up on some other epic articles on how to play your cards. It's simply getting a girl in your car (preferably while on a date), driving to the local Lookout Point, and parking the car. If you still need to know what to do, go watch Porkies or something.

A real gentleman will first try to get her (or him) in the mood. Shirt removal, alcoholic beverages, reading poetry, listening to music, some light muscle flexing (even if it is light flexing, you should always have some baby oil on hand for maximum definition), or fables of athletic prowess are all acceptable means of achieving this mood. Play to your strengths.

What type of Point-er are you?

The Old-Schooler: has some type of sports car or a collectible type. Even in this day and age, he wears copious amounts of hair treatment and is commonly seen wearing a leather jacket. Will find a spot not next to someone, park, talk for a bit, then raise the top on the convertible if applicable so ass to announce to others that he's doing what he do, yet respects his prey enough to allow for some privacy.

The Daredevil: sometimes seen in a convertible that has no top, but is most often seen on a motorcycle, the crotch-rocket variety. Daredevil wears no helmet, yet has one for his prey to wear during the ride. Mr. Devil will pull up right next to you when you are the only ones there, and goes to work right on top of the bike, in plain view, for all to see and admire. Normally named "Charlie".

The Milquetoast: has no car of his own and is too scared to use his parents rig for fear of getting it dirty. Normally seen rolling in a friend's car after his girl practically begged him to take hers. Won't park unless he can have a minimum of a 50' buffer from opposing cars. Commonly suffers from "stage fright" due to extreme nervousness. Regardless, Toast will usually put on the prophylactic before leaving his home - just in case.

Mr. Ambiguity: has no problem parking, but must take extreme caution as he is scared of being caught or seen. Make no mistake, Amby is a real charmer, but his fear of being caught causes him to take extreme measures like only parking when he's driving a cargo van. The van gives him maximum privacy, but also makes him seem like a child molester when he's creepin' around town.

Happy hunting.

Wrigleyville Bar Project: Trinity

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Trinity, 2721 N. Halsted

Website: http://www.trinitybarchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): 6

Who You’ll See Here: Trinity seems to catch a good mix of patrons and the crowd is typically a little bit older than the Wrigleyville regulars. I wouldn’t say it’s off the beaten path but it’s a good hike from the stadium so it usually takes some time before the leftovers from a game end up here.

What to Order: The specials here are pretty outstanding. Here are the highlights:

Mon: $1 Domestic Bottles
Tues: $2 All Drafts & Call Drinks
Wed: 1/2 Price all Drinks
Thurs: $2 All Bottles, $5 Martinis, $1.50 Domestic Pints
Fri: $2.50 Domestic Pints and Bottles
Sat: $2 Bud & Bud Light Pints & Bottles, $2.50 Domestic Pints & Bottles
Sun: $2 Domestic Bottles, $4 Bloody Mary's

The everyday specials are $3 Guinness and Blue Moon, $3 Stoli, and $3 Jameson shots. They’ve also got $3 burgers on Saturdays and 1/2 off of all food from 5-7 Mon - Fri. Needless to say the $2 ish bottle specials are pretty fantastic but all my money tends to go towards Guinness. Food is typical bar food, nothing special.

Summary: Well it's Monday so I can think of nothing more appropriate to talk about than booze. $1 bottles on a Monday and $3 Guinness everyday? Yes, please. This place plays some decent music and never really gets obnoxiously crowded. Unfortunately the only bathrooms are downstairs, and there are a lot of stairs which can become an issue. Speaking of downstairs, there is a third bar in the back with a few couches and a fireplace. It’s usually reserved for private parties but if you can claim it as your own, people tend to assume it’s invite only and leave you alone. It’s like having your own bartender and it’s a few feet from the bathrooms.

I was treated to an extra show the other night when a group of guys thought they could master the speed bag upstairs. It only took three attempts before one of them hit a waitress. She brushed it off, said she usually takes a few punches a night, and brought us another round of drinks. Bravo.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 empty Old Style tall boys out of a sixer.

TMS Booze Project: 1792

While I rather enjoy the TMS Beer Project reviews I am from the state of Kentucky it would be criminal of me not to review at least one bourbon (maybe more). So here is my take on the Booze project.

Editor's Note: SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Reading Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. Read at Your Own Risk.

Distillery: Barton Brands Distillery, Bardstown KY

Type: Bourbon

Receptacle: 500 mL glass bottle (with cork)

History: 1792 was the year that Kentucky became a state (and a damn good one at that). Bourbon can (technically) be produced anywhere in the United States but most (with rare exception) are made in and around the Louisville (said Loo-ville, not Looey-ville or Louis-ville and if you're talkin' bourbon, get it right!), Bardstown Lexington triangle. For those unfortunate few that are made outside of Kentucky, they would be better used as lighter fluid for burning down the distilleries that they are made in.

Drinkability (1 being hill-billy piss, 10 being the most awesome thing to ever be in your mouth): 9. Most bourbons are notoriously smooth, this is no exception. While most bourbons have a little bite to them this has almost none (in terms of bourbon). The hue of bourbon is a nice amber color with a strong smell that resonates well. It is similar in taste to a Woodford but more mellow on the palette and with a slightly heavier aftertaste that leaves you wanting more. This wouldn’t however be a good bourbon for Mint Juleps in my opinion because its too mellow to suit the sweetness of the julep. 1792 is also positioned as a high end bourbon (for those who are wondering) that is meant to compete with Woodford Reserve (the “Make you believe in God” bourbon) and Makers Mark (the “I want to be trendy, so I’ll buy this because the bottle looks cool” bourbon). It does have a very good rich taste that can probably be attributed to the oak used for the barrels. There is no need for any mixing what so ever, as it is perfectly fine and velvety by itself or on the rocks.

Intoxication (1 being Southern Baptist in the land of Mega Churches, 10 being drunk like a hillbilly by a still out in the Appalachians): 7, it it pretty stout at 94 proof, but still not as stout as other bourbons in its category like Knob Creek (which is in short supply right now) or Bulleitt (which will take paint off of walls... seriously... I the cabinet it was in lost paint) but its still sufficient enough to get you drunk, but for normal folks it might be too expensive so sipping it with a nice cigar is always a good option.
Celebrities You May See Drinking This Spirit: Jerry Bruckhiemer (lives literally miles away from where it is made, and also has an ice rink in his barn), Charlie Sheen, Bob Baffert and God.

Affordability ($ being White Castle, $$$$ being a $1000 pizza): $$$ for me, $$$$ for people outside of Kentucky, $$$$$ for people outside the US. Living in this state does have its advantages - great horse racing and cheap (but good) bourbon. I actually dread leaving this state because I don’t know how to survive with out it. I paid $27 for it out in the “ritzy” part of town but have bought it for $20 plus tax (which sucks because until a few months ago there was no sales tax on alcohol) versus online where the cheapest you can get it is $29 before shipping.

In closing, if you like bourbon don't live in Kentucky (or nearby Indiana) you're pretty much screwed if you want good bourbon for a reasonable price tag.

War Criminal: Specialty Reserved Parking Spots

GFY Specialty Reserved Parking Spots!

Remember when "Parking for Cub Fans Only" signs were just for your garage? Not today, in which Specialty Reserved Parking Spots are showing up in your grocery, electronic, and even pet store parking lots. Look, I can get on board with the handicapped spot. It makes sense. Maybe the driver has a burning case of hemorrhoids and shouldn't be walking across a crowded mall parking lot. Sure, put them next to the front door. But now I'm starting to see all new reserved spots popping up like like cougars backstage at a Ratt concert.

For Expecting and New Moms Only. For Multiple Children Families Only. For Commuters Only. For Hybrid Cars Only. For Pet Owners Only.

WTF?!? Seriously, why do these a-holes deserve premium parking any more than you or I? And who decided it was a good idea to start this? You know who it was? The guy whose job it is to engineer parking lots and had a real bitch of a wife. Everyday he would come home from his hard day of work plotting out lines, deciding where to put lights and security cameras, and then while he's relaxing in his La-Z Boy, watching the Cubs and drinking a Löwenbräu his wife steps in front of the TV and opens her pie-hole.

"You know what I had to do today?" she shrieks. "I had to walk 30 feet to get to Pier One with little Billy and Jan in my high heels. You make parking lots for a living, why don't you do something about this?"

Everyday he comes home from work, and everyday it's the same bitching and complaining. Until finally he snaps and decides, hey, if I make a spot specifically for my bitchy wife, I won't have to hear this shit anymore. So it was born out of sheer laziness and now like a cancer, everyone thinks they are special and needs their own spot right next to the store's front door too. I seriously cannot park anywhere near the front of the store I need to get into. Even when the first 14 spots are completely empty because apparently there are no pregnant women at the liquor store or hybrid owners at the auto parts dealer, I have to park a mile away just to run into the store for some chewing gum.

So I plead with you America, either we get rid of these worthless reserved parking spots, or we make it so every spot is reserved for something. Why not have a single's only parking spot? Even better, alternate between single guys and single women, that way when you park in your "Single's Only" spot, you know the hot girl parking next to you is available and you won't feel like a creep if you talk to her. Let's make spots for drunks as well? We don't want them driving all over the parking lot, shit faced and prone to hitting innocent bystanders. And don't forget about the bird lover's. They need their own spot too. You could even go as far as to segregate the parking lots. Make special spots for Blacks, Indians, Mexicans and White people. Why not religion while were at it? "Reserved For God's Chosen Only".

See how stupid it all is? So do what I do: when you pull up in your 1985 Chevy S10, park right in that "Hybrid Only" parking spot. What's the worse that could happen, the parking police come and give you a "citation"? And if anyone gives you shit, tell them to go fuck themselves!

Go Cubs!

I'm Sorry Milton: I Meant to Say "Massive Disappointment Relative to Expectations"

Milton fouls off an orange before taking a called third strike.

I'm sorry Milton. I was a bit harsh. I may have had a few too many beers last night and thus, didn't really choose my words carefully. You don't really "suck", per se. As Mr. Wesley points out, you're just doing what you've always done throughout your career.

Really, it's our fault that we put these high expectations on you. Nevermind the huge contract we signed you to in the offseason. Nevermind that you signed with the Chicago Cubs, not the Washington Nationals. You're just going about the business of Milton being Milton...a highly overrated, injury-prone, walk machine with a bad attitude. We knew that coming into the season, and should adjust our expectations accordingly.

That said, relative to your career numbers, you still suck.

So Chip Wesley, an avowed Milton Bradley apologist (second only to Brant Brown...we've tried unsuccessfully to stage numerous interventions) and stat nerd, counters my argument by comparing him to Fontenot in a positive light, as if to say, "b-b-but he's way better than Mike Fontenot!"

Yeah dude, he should be. Me using Fontenot as part of my comparison was to show how terrible he is. There are literally dozens of other crappy journeymen that I could have used in place of Little Mikey Horse N' Phone to demonstrate how putrid Mr. Bradley has been.

So we can agree on this: Milton Bradley is better than Mike Fontenot. Mike Fontenot is also only making $430,000 this year and wasn't even expected to start at the beginning of the year. Milton was the Cubs' big free agent signing. Were the expectations that fans placed on him unfair? Sure they were. But this is Chicago, not Pittsburgh or Kansas City. If he wanted to fly under the radar he should have stayed in San Diego or Oakland.

So really the only stat which Mr. Wesley has to backup the argument that "Milton Bradley doesn't suck" is his OBP. And since his batting average is terrible, basically what that means is that he doesn't suck because he walks a lot. We could have signed a midget for a lot less than $10 million a year to go up there and draw walks. And if we hadn't signed Bradley (and I imagine we wouldn't be any worse off as a team if we hadn't), we would have had the money to go add an impact player at the deadline. Sigh. I blame Big Jim for that one though.

Anyway, I can counter with his deficiencies in the following categories (even compared his own uninspiring career numbers): batting average; an OPS - take that stat nerd! - that is his lowest in 7 years and that is lower than the OPS of Bobby Scales and Sam Fuld; runs scored (way too low given his superhuman ability to get on base!); RBI (b-b-b-but...SHUT UP); the ability to ever get a clutch hit; overall power numbers; on pace to match or break his career high in strikeouts in even fewer AB; a .210 BA versus lefties; and here's a real doozy...a slugging percentage that ranks 14th on the team (!!), trailing Jeff Baker, Ryan Theriot, Reed Johnson and Carlos Zambrano.

Other than that, he's been money. Like I said Milton, I was way too harsh. Go get em champ.

Dude, You're NOT Horrible

I'm going to respectfully disagree with my colleague Chaim Witz here.

First off, Milton Bradley has hit .289 since the All-Star break and in the month of July had 23 walks and 17 strikeouts. Oh no, he hasn't gotten RBIs! So Mike Fontenot has 6 more RBI than him. Big deal. Fontenot also carries a .678 OPS which is absolutely atrocious. Yeah he hits .203 with RISP, but you fail to mention that he's got a .415 OBP as well. So maybe he doesn't knock in runs every time but I'd still rather have him up in that situation instead of Fontenot or someone that is likely going to strike out or groundout. Bradley can at least *GASP* "get on base" to keep the inning alive.

He doesn't get enough RBIs? Do you bother looking at his career numbers? The most RBIs he's ever had in a season is 77 and that was last year. The Cubs pay him because he's an on base machine, not because he's a power hitter that brings in runs, and to think that he should be doing as such is foolish at best.

Bottom line is that Milton Bradley started the season in a massive slump, but folks can't seem to notice that said slump is pretty much over. He's doing exactly what Milton Bradley does and yet he still continuously gets shit on. Is it because he comes off as an crazed angry black man? If Mark DeRosa put up the same stats I would guess that Cubs fans would blindly dry hump the ground he walked on.

Senator Dick Durbin also approves of Milton's play.

Dude, You're Horrible

I know, I know, the Cubs are winning, so I should just shut my mouth and fall in line. But all year I've sat here and listened to the other Bartenders defend Milton Bradley until they're Cubby Blue in the face.

"He'll come around don't worry."

"His job is to get on base. Look at his OBP!"

"He can really work a count."

"Why doesn't anybody focus on Soriano's struggles instead?"

Milton Bradley, he of the 3 year, $30 million dollar contract has 254 ABS as of this writing to go along with a .248 BA and 26 RBI. He is batting a robust .207 with runners in scoring position.

Yes, his OBP is around .385, but to that I respond, "who f'ing cares?" You don't pay someone $10 million a year to draw walks. If that's what we wanted we could have Nick Johnson for half the price. (BTW, Johnson also has almost twice as many RBI as Bradley, playing for the Nationals - and now the Marlins.)

26 RBI. For a man who has consistently batted in the 5 hole, a primo RBI spot in the order. Yes, RBI are to an extent a matter of chance, but again, I repeat, 26 RBI!

Gordon Beckham of the White Sox, recalled in June and primarily batting 8th, has 35 RBI.
Jack Wilson has 31.
Jerry Hairston Jr has 27.
Mike Fontenot has 32.
Jake Fox has as many RBI as Bradley in only 100 AB.
In 9 games in the NL, Matt Holiday already has over a third (10) of what Bradley has all year.

I could go on.

Point is, he's a bust. Deal with it. Thankfully, we have Aramis back, so our team can magically hit again (there is no single player more important to the Cubs fortunes than A-Ram, no doubt about it). But how much better would we be if that dipshit Bradley actually started to pull his (dead) weight? I'd love to eat my sweat-stained Cubs hat and see Uncle Milty blow up these last two months of the season, but really, I have seen nothing that would lead me to believe that the end of his woes are nigh. If Lou wants to send someone up there to draw a walk the Cubs might as well just sign Eddie Gaddel's corpse.

I swear to Sweet Baby Hack, if I see him strike out looking one more time...