Albums of the Week

Albums of the Week is a recurring feature at Pomp Culture where we will select three albums for our readers to check out. Each week there will be a new album selected for one of three categories.

Something Old - This will usually be an album that has been out for quite a while (at least two years or longer). The purpose of 'Something Old' is to reintroduce ourselves to some music we may not have heard in a while.

Something New - This will include albums that have been released in the last few months. 'Something New' will give you a chance to check out a new album before you decide to drop some money on it.

Something Different - We're going to push the envelope a bit with this category and hopefully introduce you to some new artists or styles of music you may not have heard or even considered before. "Something Different' will cater to the more adventurous music fan.

To listen to any of the Albums of the Week just click on the links provided in the sidebar. Live streams of each album can be played in iTunes, Winamp, or Windows Media Player. There is also a link to purchase music by the artists on Amazon, which I strongly encourage if you find something you like.

Now let's get to this week's selections.

Something Old - "Core" by Stone Temple Pilots
Released: 1992
Label: Atlantic
Genre: Hard Rock/Alternative

With the opening lyrics and blast of guitar at the beginning of "Dead and Bloated", STP punches you hard in the taint and refuses to let up. Railed by the critics as being nothing more than Pearl Jam copycats, fans came out in droves for this album nonetheless. STP would move on to bigger and better albums, but this debut put them on the rock map and is still a good listen when you just want to tune out and listen to some straight up hard rock.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Sex Type Thing, Wicked Garden, Plush


Something New - "Dear Science" by TV on the Radio
Released: 2008
Label: Interscope
Genre: Indie Rock

"Dear Science" is the follow up to TV on the Radio's breakout smash hit "Return to Cookie Mountain". On this latest release, the band continues to explore the various sounds of post-punk, electronic dance, modern jazz and soul music. The result is a truly unique sound all their own. For me, this album took a few listens to truly get into it, but it has since jumped up the list as one of my favorites of 2008.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Halfway Home, Golden Age, Red Dress


Something Different - "Exit" by Shugo Tokumaru
Released: 2008
Label: Almost Gold
Genre: Indie Pop/Lo-Fi

I was in my car listening to XM, when I first heard "Parachute", the opening track on Shugo Tokumaru's latest album, 'Exit'. I tried my best to remember the artist's name until I could get home and look him up. After some quick and dirty Google searching and some spelling corrections I was fortunate to find this album. Shugo's amazing ability to layer instruments and experiment with melodies makes 'Exit' a beautiful little nugget of indie pop weirdness, and him Japan's version of Brian Wilson.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Parachute, Clocca, La La Radio


Like what you hear? Have a suggestion or recommendation? Please feel free to leave a comment.

Playing in a Traveling Band

It's a dream that many people have. It can start nearly anywhere. You could be a child growing up in the early 80's, seeing a band like KISS on the TV. Maybe you grew up in the late 80's and you watched The MTV and its New Years Eve "Live and Loud" concerts. Hell, maybe you even went to a local town fair or Battle of the Bands. Regardless which scenario someone experienced, many people get inspired seeing a musical performance, and dream of becoming a rock star.

Let's keep in mind the term, "rock star". It can take on many meanings. You can be a rock star on local, regional, national, or global setting. Some get by on glitz, glamor, and stage presence. Some excel by using actual talent, which can offset the fact that they're a social retard. The common denominator is that someone, no matter how insignificant, sees said rock star and is inspired. Like I said, the rock star could be the kid playing an instrumental version of "Back in Black" at a high school variety show, or it could be someone like Jay-Z leaving it all on the stage at a music festival, though different, both are the same.

For the sake of this article, I'll divulge that I have been lucky enough to be part of an extremely limited and extremely local rock band. As for my own contributions to the band, I would err much, much closer to the variety show example rather than HOVA's level of fame. Like many others (and probably 99% of all bands), it's little more than a hobby to us. More often than not, it's a time to get together with some buddies, drink a few beverages, play some of your own favorite (cover) songs, and oh, we actually get paid a few bucks? Sweet, man. And as if that's not enough, maybe, just maybe you get one person out of the twenty five people who came to the local tavern (and aren't related to you) to see the band come up and tell you how great that fourth song you played was. For a simpleton like myself, and in our band's scope of the industry, it doesn't get any better than that.

It's a great experience playing live music in front of an audience. Imagination is a powerful thing. Maybe the corner bar in a small town isn't Wembley Stadium, but I'll be damned if we don't feel like a pretty big fucking deal up on stage, or on the floor, as is the case more often than not. And it doesn't matter how many people - we've played from anything to 500 all the way down to 5 or 6, playing on a legitimate stage at a ballroom or the front porch of someone's house. We've heard fair-to-decent applause and we've experienced absolute and utter silence. We've seen dance floors spontaneously erupt as much as we've seen people treat us like we have a communicable disease. As long as you're having fun, it really doesn't matter.

I'll also tell you that being in a band can be a colossal pain in the ass. It's not like watching a DVD of your favorite band. For most bands, and keep in mind, we're operating at the lowest level, there is no such thing as "roadies". Maybe if you're lucky, you can find someone to hold a door open for you. You just want to go home, but you know that you've still got another half hour to load up all of your gear. Booze, drugs, and debauchery, right? Nah, sorry. Along with the no roadies thing, more often than not, you're driving your fifteen year old Toyota Celica to and from the show, wondering how in the hell you're going to fit an entire drum kit in there along with the bass player's amp. Maybe you had a carb-heavy dinner so you drank 6 or 7 beers and could still legally get behind a wheel. "What? The band's drinks were not covered? Damn, that means I only get twenty bones and I still need to put gas in the Celica." This is why it's best to keep telling yourself it's a hobby and not a job.

Then of course, there are always plenty of That Guy in the crowd. Always. It's always the same stuff:

- Hey, can I play a song with you? I have a (insert instrument here) and I've been playing for (insert number of years here).

- Do you guys know how to play (insert obscure song here)?

- Oh, you don't know that one? I can tell you guys the chords. I'll write 'em down and then I can sing it.

- Hey, on (song x), you guys switched the second and fourth verses from how it is on the album.

- Play some Skynyrd! (Even if it's a joke, it get O.L.D.)

Well, there you have it. An inside look at being in a low, low level rock band. Peaches and cream it ain't, at least not all the time. It's a hassle getting there, you struggle to find time to practice when you and your band mates all work over fifty hours a week, and you're getting too Goddamn old to stay up past 2am on a week night. All that and more, until someone you don't know comes up and tells you, "Dude, you really hit the drums hard! That's so cool, man. I've always wanted to play in a band." Then it becomes about trying not to blush, and try and mumble something humble to the kid.

Yeah, I'm a fucking rock star.

Sort of.

.

Pomp (Culture) And Circumstance

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me be the first to welcome you to Pomp Culture, a Thunder Matt's Saloon joint. For those of you who migrated over from the now closed TMS, we thank you for your continued support and donations. For those of you finding us for the first time, hopefully we'll give you enough reason to keep coming back. You can stop by any time to get your fill of celebrity sports picks, movie reviews, and maybe even a douchebag joke or two sprinkled in!

If you punch "blog" into Google, it shoots back at you with 3.4 billion results. So what makes this one any different than all the others? That's a great question! And what's the answer you say? Ummm...what's that behind you?

So yes, we've officially shed our label of being a "Cubs blog" and are now basically an "everything blog". Since about half of us are North Side fans, I'm sure Cubs news will seep into our posts, but the fact that we now have fans of the Oakland A's, LA Dodgers, Tampa Bay Rays, Arizona Cardinals and Utah Jazz among other teams on board, shedding an allegiance to only one team seemed like a good idea. But as we know, not all ideas that seem good on paper actually work out. Don't believe me? You should, you son of a bitch. Here are a few examples just off the top of my head:

The 2008 Detroit Tigers as a World Series Pick

The Hype: The Tigers were on the upswing anyway, with some solid pitching and a monster offense. Now drop in perennial MVP candidate Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle "Watch Me Pull A Bret Saberhagen And Only Be Good Every Other Year" Willis, and you've got a trendy pick for the World Series.

What Went Wrong: Everything! The Tigers came out of the gate pressing and promptly lost their first 7 games and 10 of their first 12. After showing some signs of life late in the season, the wheels fell completely off and the Tigers finished last in 2008. The Kansas City Royals have filed a lawsuit against the Tigers for trespassing on their property at the bottom of the division. Natch.

Crystal Pepsi/Zima:

The Hype: Regular Pepsi and beer had come as far as they were ever going to in the early 90's. Naturally, the next progression was to make them both colorless. The idea behind Crystal Pepsi was that it tasted just like regular Pepsi, but it was clear! Holy shit! So why not drink a regular Pepsi then? Um, regular Pepsi isn't clear, dumbshit. Besides, what's the best regular Pepsi could pull out for their commercials, some child molester with one glove? Crystal Pepsi's gonna drop a little VAN HAGAR ON YOUR ASS!

As for our good friend Zima, yuppie males asked themselves this question every weekend: How can I enjoy the girliness of a nice, tall Bartles and Jaymes without looking like the wine cooler-drinking pansy that I know I am? Why not make it clear? I still get me fruity drink, but with the lack of color, no one will ever know what I'm drinking! My alcoholic beverage will just blend into the background! What's that you say? I can drink it straight out of the bottle or out of a wine glass? Sign me up!

Zima was basically the "white people" of alcoholic beverages. Don't believe me? Check out this commercial! EVERYTHING is white!

What Went Wrong: Crystal Pepsi tasted like the ass end of a dolphin. Somehow Zima was even more girly than drinking wine coolers. Although Zima was discontinued officially earlier in the year, its bastard cousin, Smirnoff Ice, still lurks on college campuses across the country waiting to get countless sorority girls blackout drunk.

Back To You

The Hype: Another recent example, Back To You was a sitcom that was on last year. Fox basically took the star of two of the greatest sitcoms of all time (Kelsey Grammer) and paired him up with a star of one of the other most popular sitcoms of recent memory (Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton) in one of the most generic settings you could think of (a newsroom). Throw in Executive Producer Christopher Lloyd (Great Scott!) and the immortal Fred Willard, and you've got a recipe for success, right?

What Went Wrong: Nope. With all these high-profile showbiz types involved, apparently there wasn't enough money left over to hire decent writers. Some may say that the writer's strike partially killed this show, but when you can't win your own time slot against America's Next Top Model, Deal Or No Deal and the criminally unwatched Wife Swap, you aren't going to stay around long.

Virtual Boy

The Hype: With the smash hit that was Nintendo's Game Boy, the Virtual Boy was the next step in the evolution. While most game systems had to fake a 3D environment on a 2D screen, the Virtual Boy looked like a giant Viewmaster that could make the graphics 3D by adjusting what you were seeing to each individual eye.

What Went Wrong: Nowadays, $180 isn't a whole lot for a state of the art video game console. But in 1995, it was a hell of a lot of money to drop on a relatively unknown video game system. Take the Game Boy, then strip out all the fun games, the ease of use and the portability, and you're basically left with a fancy Atari that attaches to your skull, only not as much fun. The Virtual Boy is still considered Nintendo's only failure in the home video game field.

Electing George W. Bush As President

The Hype: His dad was President. He seemed like a cool guy, especially compared to the boooooring Al Gore. What's the worst that could happen?

What Went Wrong: Too many things to list here, but I suspect that the majority of Bush's time in the Oval Office went something like this:

War Criminal: Thunder Matt's Saloon

All good things must come to an end. As of Tuesday morning, Thunder Matt's Saloon will, for all intents and purposes, cease to exist. Though it will still float in cyberspace, it will no longer be updated. Our efforts will be directed to the much-mentioned Pomp Culture.

How do we, as writers, feel about the Saloon? We feel it is deserving of nothing less than War Criminal status. Allow us to explain...

Obviously this site was designed in honor of Thunder Matt Murton. Through little fault of his own, Murton was never able to consistently break through Lou Piniella's crowded outfield and gain consistent playing time. Apparently raw sexuality and Christian values do not necessarily equate to increased at-bats. With so few box score stats, discussion of Murton waned, until he was finally set free by the organization. As always, we wish Matt the best of luck in Oakland or wherever he may end up, and we will continue to follow his career, and possibly provide occasional updates in the Sports section of Pomp Culture.

The Saloon was a Cubs blog by default. While it achieved a modicum of success in the Cubs blogosphere, we never intended to be a definitive source of all things Cubs. Our interests are diverse and will be serviced better at Pomp Culture.

That being said, we truly appreciate all of the Cubs fans that kept coming back to the site, even if they were only met with postings on condiments or celebrity deaths. In particular we would like to thank Cubs beat writer Paul Sullivan, who gave our site a nod on several occasions, and even was so kind as to agree to an interview. Paul, you're doing a bang-up job, and we hope you find something worth liking at Pomp Culture.

So with all this sentimental nonsense, why would the Saloon be deserving of War Criminal status? One word: Money. The site never brought in a damn dime. Why in the world would we go through all this trouble for no money? Though not all of the writers will admit it, we hope that Pomp Culture will be more marketable so we can all make our millions of dollars and have Barack Obama take them away. Just kidding Barack. I can still call you Barack, right? Thanks for being a loyal reader.

With that, we close our doors. Thanks to all of you kind readers. Thank you again to Matt Murton for not suing us or serving us with a cease and desist order.

Visit us at Pomp Culture on Tuesday. Good night!

On Matt Murton.

In this final day of our modest blog as we know it (Hooray, rebranding!), I thought I'd reflect a bit on the man who birthed this site, the namesake, the red-headed everyman who currently lingers on the Oakland A's roster.
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If you run a search for "Matt Murton" on YouTube, you get 64 results. I know this, because I just tried. Of those 64, maybe 10 are the flame-topped outfielder from Fort Lauderdale, FL. Several aren't even a Matt Murton, but some country type filmed on a shaky handicam. The rest are a realtor from Maryland with the same name, short tapes of him touring his sale and rental properties. There are more videos for "Grape Lady."

Simply put, Matt Murton isn't very important. The baseball player, I mean. He's a modest, hard-working guy like the rest of us, one who rarely makes highlight reels or SportsCenter. He shows up and does his job without flash, procession or pomp. Just like the rest of us.

There is one video of him playing baseball; the only problem is, it's someone who taped a play that videogame Murton made in MLB 2K8.

Since moving midseason, we've barely heard a peep from him, mainly because Oakland uses him the same way the Cubs did: sparingly. He played just 9 games the rest of the season, and spent his work days probably like many of us did in the summer, just goofing around with friends and pitching in where necessary.

His trajectory through the majors is a lot like our trajectory through this blog to date: we're a bit player in the vast world of the internet, a small voice amid all the noise. We put in our time, we worked hard, and we reaped the odd reward here and there. Murton is no different, and as we get set to close the doors on the Saloon named for the ginger scamp (not even the best red-head on the team, mind you, thanks to Ryan Dempster. Poor Matt couldn't even wrestle control of that small accolade!), it's time to reflect a little more than we did during his eulogies.

He was traded on my birthday, and given new life of sorts. Pomp Culture will do the same for us, I'm sure, as we're finally free to give in to the crushing weight of our lowbrow sensibilities away from the burden of baseball.
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When Matt Murton plays baseball, sometimes you get the sense that it's a burden. It's not easy for him, but he doesn't stop trying, and maybe that's why we always related to him so well. Our obsession transcended novelty with Murton; at first, he was that scrappy guy on the team who really had no business being there, and we praised him for his tenacity and his long, winding journey through the ranks of baseball. Every time an outfielder ahead of him slumped, we clamored for change.

Murton for Left Field! Murton for Right Field! Can Murton play Center? Who Cares, Play Murton Anyway!

It had the weight and fervor of a political campaign.

Then, the Cubs would go out and buy every cast-off journeyman in the league to fill gaps in the outfield, and our hearts would sink once more. Murton became familiar with that stretch of road between Chicago and Des Moines, a road he thought he'd only ever have to travel once. Imagine that; a young lad called up from West Tennessee with his friend Adam, and then watching him get drilled in the head in his first major-league at-bat! That was it for Greenberg, but Murton went on to hit with force the rest of the season. He was playing well above potential; we could all tell.

From there, it was a slow slide back down into the pack, the mass of hungry nearly-theres who clawed and scratched to get a chance in the big leagues. You know the type; full of potential on paper yet never quite coming through. We've seen enough of them at Wrigley to know by now: Corey Patterson and Felix Pie, to name just two.

And now, freed from Hendry's gaze, he endures the same limbo, a young, promising outfielder (though getting older every day) stuck amid the static and white noise of several other younger, slightly more promising outfielders. He struggles to get seen and heard above the throng; every time we come into our offices and wonder just what the fuck we're doing, we have complete and total understanding. Passed up for promotion again? Matt Murton gets it, and you have empathy. (To emphasize the point, his Wikipedia page picture is him in a Cubs uniform. Amid the millions of daily edits from all around the world, no-one thought to update his picture.)

Just because his desk is a wide, curved strip of turf bordered by chalk-and-dust lines enclosed with stands that hold thousands doesn't mean we aren't the same. It doesn't mean we can't see eye-to-eye.
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Someday we'll see Murton as an All-Star. We'll see him hit .315 for the entire season, leading the league in doubles and ranking in Top 10 across almost all major offensive categories. We'll see him win Gold Gloves in the outfield, becoming one of the most coveted corner outfielders and commanding big money on the free agent market. Scott Boras will make him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he'll think back to those formative years, the ones he spent shuttled around the minors before landing in Chicago, and he'll laugh.

Until then, he'll just keep living the normal life, working hard and hoping to someday catch a break.

That is life for Matt Murton. That is life for all of us.

Chaiming In: Clip Show Edition

One week ago, when discussing the final week of TMS with the fellow bartenders, my ambition ran high and my enthusiasm was unrivaled. I was ready to tackle the world and go out with a bang. Realm of Red, Overrated/Underrated, Movie Minute, you name it, I was ready to do it. I was really gonna fuck up your life with some seriously mind-blowing shit.

Then real life happened. I got a case of Rocco Baldelli-esque 'chronic fatigue' and my ambition level (along with my sperm count) plummeted. Besides, when you try to top yourself with a hyped-up finale, you're setting yourself up for failure. Seinfeld anyone? (Yep, I just compared my writing and the TMS legacy to Seinfeld. Baleedat!)

Besides, we're not really going away now are we? Our readership? Well yes, that will likely fade like Thunder's career, but we'll still be here in cyberspace (Pomp Culture, bookmark it like you would a good free porn site or Cooks Illustrated), plugging away in relative anonymity like Clint Howard.

My friends, I promise you this. If you follow us to Pomp Culture, you will get another Realm of Red. (It's been so long most readers probably have no fucking idea what a Realm of Red even is.) I can also promise you that if you continue to read us over at Pomp Culture that Chip Wesley will service each and every one of you with his hand. That is a guarantee. From Chip's mouth to your...aaaannd I've derailed.

Anyway, in the tradition of all those great 80's sitcoms whose writers couldn't think of anything other than 'it was all a dream' for the finale and instead settled on 'clip show', I present to you Chaim Witz's Greatest (Relatively Speaking) Hits, as selected by my ego. Actually, I was too lazy to sift through all my old posts, so some of these are probably filler.

-War Hero: Julio Franco - Not only my crowning moment at TMS, but probably my whole life.

-War Criminal: Bill Belichick's Sweatshirt - If there's one thing we were good at here at TMS, it was bitching about things. My rant of Bill-O's fashion faux pas drew the ire of Pats fans everywhere. I'm still partial to War Criminal: Geese.

-Realm of Red: Danny Bonaduce - The obvious pick would have been David Caruso, the originator, but this one gets the nod.

-Two words: Ski masks.

-There are no words to describe the enigma known as Phillip Mitchell. Well, actually there are words, and I'll let Phillip read them to you.

-2007 TMS Man of the Year: Manute Bol - Who will be the Pomp Culture 2008 Man of the Year? Hard to tell, but you should never count out Jonathan Lipnicki.

-Overrated/Underrated: Condiments - Can you say, 'firestorm of controversy'? Or 'Firestorm' starring Howie Long?

-This is not your father's Ronald McDonald.

-Who can forget my horrifying foray into the world of facial hair? Amber Alert!

-I wrote a lot of movie reviews, but fuck that. Anyone with a brain knows that Drunkblogs were the lifeblood of TMS. Vodka tonics were my poison for the Oscar Drunkblog.

-Half of the TMS crew gets together for a Cubs game and live to tell about it. Nachos.

-Cubs Media Social: This helped put us on the map. Alas, we lost the map and everyone was too stubborn to pull over and ask for directions.

-Speaking of Tommy Buzanis...

-Tommy Buzanis and I make love to Dutchie. Figuratively, not literally.

Well folks, it's getting late and I'm tired from all this typing and all of this lovemaking. See you over at Pomp Culture. Say hello to your mother for me. I leave you with this bio of Zach Galifianakis to remember me by.

I am from the foothills of North Carolina. I now live in the mountains of that
state. And also live in Brooklyn. I come from a strong family. I enjoy tractors
and red wine. I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused
and happy. I dislike those that litter. Sometimes I like to go to the zoo and
ride on the backs of bison. I dream of Iceland from time to time. It makes me
laugh when people miscommunicate. I like walking over bridges and hate Donald
Trump or anything like him. The entertainment business is both poison and honey.
I drive a Subaru. It is an automatic. I cry sometimes in that car.

TMS Celebrity Farewell (& NFL Picks)

Since its inception, TMS has developed quite a celebrity following. This year several of them have accepted our invitation to pick NFL games, but there are many many more.

With our imminent transition to Pomp Culture on 11/11/08, I asked some of our famous fans to give us their parting thoughts. Some were sad to see us go, others ecstatic, and still others seemingly unsure just who I was or what I was asking them about.

Governor Gray Davis - Blogger
OK, so my celebrity NFL picker this week was supposed to be Barack Obama, but it seems he's a little busy now, so I'm gonna throw them out there: Browns, Titans, Jags, Texans, Pats, Saints, Dolphins, Packers, Jets, Panthers, Steelers, Chargers, Giants, Cardinals. Oh, and I'll totally miss the saloon or something...

Al Swearengen - Saloon Proprietor
Who the fuck is Matt Murton? Sounds like a squarehead cocksucker from fuckin' Yankton if you ask me...

George W. Bush - Former Owner of the Texas Rangers
TMS was where our nation found hope, where wings took dream. I for one will miss it. Are we havin' burritos for lunch again?

Huell Howser - TV Legend, rumored homosexual
Thunder Matt's Saloon was truly amazing! I wish the guys the best on Pomp Culture. It could be another exciting adventure and another perfect example...of California's Gold.

Sir Charles Barkley O.B.E. - Professional Gambler
No. Uh-uh. I told the Governor I'm not saying a damn word until the check clears.

Walter Mondale - former Vice-President, Zombie
Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssssssss....

Don Francisco - Host, Sábado Gigante
Soy triste, pero emocionado también.

John Mark Karr - Sex Pervert
I'm going to miss TMS, but Chaim Witz has promised Pomp Culture will feature lots of shirtless Zac Efron pics, so I won't stand in the way of progress.

Zac Efron - Actor, Sexpot
Who said what about me now?

Campbell Brown - Journalist, Pregnant Sexpot
Tell that British guy to stop stalking me please.

M. Night Shyamalan - Director
TMS would have been better if it had been set in Pennsylvania and had a twist.

Joseph Smith - Mormon Prophet, Disreputable Mountebank
If you sell this new blog just right, you could have millions of followers who believe any easily disprovable bullshit you post. Trust me, I know...

Dan Rather - Insane Former Newsman
One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek'.

Sarah Palin - Special Needs Governor of a Frozen Backwater
What is Pomp Culture? Is that a state or something? Palin in 2012!

Bono - Christ's Second Coming
Distance does not decide who is your brother and who is not. The church is going to have to become the conscience of the free market if it's to have any meaning in this world - and stop being its apologist. I don't know what that has to do with TMS though.

Shark Jesus - Shark, Christ's Third Coming?
Asshole border guards nabbed my stash on the way back from Rosarito. When he's not looking, I'm going to bite him.

Mel Gibson - Alcoholic anti-Semite, Actor
As you may have guessed, I blame the Jews for the demise of TMS - and the death of our Lord.

Bill O'Reilly - Falafel Enthusiast
That is it for TMS...
Uh, whatever it is, that's not right on the teleprompter...
I CAN'T read it, there's no WORDS on it.
There's no WORDS there, what does that mean, Pomp Culture?
What does--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS Pomp Culture, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
A new blog?
That's tomorrow, and that is uh....
we'll leave you with a...
I can't do it.
WE'LL DO IT LIVE.
WE'LL DO IT LIVE
I'LL WRITE IT AND WE'LL DO IT LIVE
FUCKING THING SUCKS!

Eulogies for the Eliminated: Thunder Matt's Saloon

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to bury Thunder Matt's Saloon. Thunder Matt's Saloon now joins the rest of the blogosphere space trash, floating among the thousands of blogs that have been discarded, neglected, or killed off. Yet we still mourn.

To many, Thunder Matt's Saloon will stand as a monument of accomplishment, a testament to the creative powers of a cabal of writers linked by the love of a Red-Headed Messiah. They brought new ideas, fresh topics, and a perspective rarely seen among the cacophony of voices in the blogosphere.

Sadly, the creative genius behind Thunder Matt's Saloon deteriorated with the vanquishment of the Red-Headed Hero. When the promise of potential was packaged to the Pacific, the point of positive percolation peaked and perfidiousness became periodic. The mojo and the ability to rally around one common denominator was gone. They were all they had.

Yet still the core of Thunder Matt's Saloon pressed on. In a move reminiscent of Poochie, they added voices from around the world, much to the chagrin of their fanbase. By the time the dust settled, the love Thunder Matt's Saloon received was the love that was saved. The writing was on the wall and the end was nigh.

Although well-known in some circles, the reign of Thunder Matt's Saloon had run its course. So although many throughout the blogosphere have opted for blog suicide (yay!) and the idea of sabotaging the reader base until nary a soul remembers the glory, we bury Thunder Matt's Saloon on top, like a heroic cowboy riding in the setting sun. So pour out a little liquor, whether it be Night Train or champagne. Thunder Matt's Saloon, may you rest in peace.

Thunder Matt's Saloon is dead. Long live Pomp Culture.

Underrated: The "Actual" America

Last night the citizens of the United States began to right their wayward ship by electing the one candidate that offered not only the strongest rhetorical argument for change, but the more practical path toward achieving it. Four years ago, on the day after George W. Bush was re-elected, young Americans felt compelled to create a website where they personally apologized to the world. This morning, the world is embracing them for their choice of Barack Obama.

John McCain was truly gracious in defeat. The presidency is no individual's right or reward, but his years of service and his appeal to moderates made him one of the more qualified and viable candidates in recent memory. McCain's respectful acknowledgment of Obama's unique ability to organize, mobilize, and inspire voters will not soften the crushing electoral blow he and his party endured. However, it will allow him to take the first step in once again distancing himself from the more extreme conservative influences within his party. Senator John McCain is an honorable man, and we can be sure that when the dust settles, he will do as he has always done and reach across that aisle in January to work with President Obama.

Regardless of what happens over the next four years, November 4, 2008 will go down as a monumental date in American history; a date you will tell your children and grandchildren about when they express bewilderment over why the color of a person's skin was ever an issue in a country built on freedom and equality.

In his victory speech last night, Obama paid great deference to not only his supporters, but those of his opponent. He recognized that while not everyone cast a ballot of approval in his direction, he would be a president that needs to serve their interests of all citizens. His stoic demeanor in this moment of jubilance makes one believe that his words are not merely conciliatory gestures, but an honest commitment to unite us all and bridge the differences that have sharply divided our great nation.

Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, we are all in a position now to alter the trajectory of this country. The better part of the last eight years have been quite difficult, at times demoralizing, and not often enough hopeful or positive for the American people. Now is our chance to learn from this period. We need to balance concerns at home and abroad; to begin taking the steps necessary to repair our ailing economy; to mend our broken relationships around the globe. The tide of change may have crested on Election Day, but there is still much work to be done, and Barack Obama is not a knight in shining armor. He will do his part, but it is still up to the people to maintain their enthusiasm and desire for a better America.

And today, for the first time in quite a while, no one in America should feel the need to apologize.

TMS/Pomp Culture Election Night Live Drunkblog 2008

LIVE from the newly minted TMS-Pomp Culture Election Center in beautiful Playas de Rosarito, Mexico its the much anticipated culmination of our 2008 election coverage "A gentlemanly disagreement on the future of our Republic". Why Mexico? Just in case...

I'm Governor Gray Davis and joining us tonight will be Ken "Hawk" Harrelson and Shark Jesus. We'll be with you all night, so check back for frequent updates.

The first polls close in parts of Indiana and Kentucky at 3pm Pacific, but we won't get any results for another hour because these hick backwaters can't even agree on a time to close their polls. Anything to say guys?

Hawk: Sit back, relax, and strap it down. I Luuuuuuuv America.

Shark Jesus (SJ): Nope.

3:38pm - Christ. Give these people something to talk about already. About a half hour in and I'm already tired of Chris Matthews' "brar brar I'm an Irish Catholic" schtick. Just hand this thing over to Olbermann and Maddow already.

3:57pm - How much must it pain these guys to not call certain states early? Well, we're going to get the scoop on everyone. Here is Hawk with the Kentucky call:

Hawk: Kentucky...President...8 EVs Johnny Mac

Thanks Hawk, very subdued. I've sent SJ out for beer.

4:00pm - Finally, these slackers catch up with us and give KY to McCain.

Hawk: 3 EVs for the good guys out of Vermont too.

These early results are really for assholes. Warner wins VA Senate? No shit. Water is wet too? Lester Holt will be my object of scorn tonight, at least when I'm done attacking Beet-faced Chris Matthews' ethnicity.

4:36pm - More states close with nothing to report. Weak. Shark Jesus still isn't back with the beer. I fear he's been shanked. Just remember, given the fact that we're in Mexico, its unlikely the Jews were involved this time.

5:03pm - Polls closed, but I was on the phone with la policia trying to see if anything happened to Shark Jesus. I believe Hawk has the call...

Hawk: VT, IL, NH, ME, MA, CT, NJ, DE, MD, and DC...you can put them on the boaaaard...YES...81-39 good guys

Wolf Blitzer is a real pompous ass, but until MSNBC makes the switch to HD, my election night viewing is up for grabs. The police have no reports on Shark Jesus. I fear the worst.

5:40pm - Wolfy just put Pennsylvania on the board, so we will to. 102-39. The Hundley has just called in a bomb threat to the PC Election Center.

5:42pm - Huzzah! Shark Jesus has returned safe and sound with cerveza.

5:55pm - Feels great to have some beer in me. Now we've dispatched Hawk for pizza. Probably should have killed two birds with one stone, but we don't really plan ahead here. Thats mavericky. Michael Barone on Foxnews just explained why they called PA for Obama and he looks like he just got raped. Good times. Nine Easton is talking now. Yes, THE Nina Easton...contain your enthusiasm.

6:00pm - Shark Jesus: A bunch more states just closed. You're watching this, so you know what happened. 174-49 Obama now according to the bearded wonder on CNN. I have no regard for that man. About 20 years ago, I busted out high stakes poker games throughout Northern Virginia. Wolf played. He asked for a $10,000 marker and never paid up. I was going to sick Vinny on him to kneecap him, but someone said "hey now, simmer down now Shark Jesus, you're supposed to turn the other cheek." I was drunk or I would have punched that guy in the mouth.

6:10pm - Holy shit...there is a James Carville sighting. Put the kids to bed. No one under the age of 16 shouldn't have to see that. Its indecent. He's like an alien or something. Not just an alien, but an alien with some congenital health issues.

6:35pm - I tell ya, Hawk may not know how to manage his finances but he sure can buy a pizza. I know what you're thinking. Aren't we in Mexico? Yeah. You haven't eaten until you've had pizza in Mexico. The pizza man has a big call.

Hawk: Ohio...you can put it on the boaaaarrd YES...20 EVs good guys

Shark Jesus: Thats it. I'm drinkin'.

Everyone on Fox is depressed. The ritual suicides may start any minute. Fred Barnes will be the first to gut himself with a telestrator pen - mark it. MSNBC turns to Chuck Todd so no one can see their panel celebrating. That guy has a weird eye. It looks like he has perpetual pink eye.

Some guy on CNN is gong through the scenarios. He is giving McCain states he has no prayer in. Unless McCain wins California, its time to go bowlin'.

Shark Jesus: Where the fuck do you think I went earlier? It doesn't take an hour to get beer. I went bowling.

7:04pm - There goes Iowa. We just remembered there are actual networks so we switched to Brokaw. I think he sent someone on a beer run too. That guy is drunk. They went to Ann "Double Cunt" Curry, so we're back on MSNBC now. Chris Matthews just came in his pants. Now he's gonna have to confess.

7:26pm - Shark Jesus just bit Hawk. He's bleeding. I've called the paramedics, but who knows.

In the meantime, with this election all but a certainty at this point, I've been watching some down ballot races. Elizabeth "Double Cunt" Dole lost and so did that panty waste Chris Shays. Pass the beer...

7:43pm - Hawk is dead. Shark, we have about 15 minutes until the west coast seals this thing. Why did you bite Hawk?

Shark Jesus: I got carried away. I'm excited over the "life begins at conception" measure in Colorado losing and I couldn't listen to his cliches anymore. Put it on the board? Put what on the board? Fuck you Hawk. Thats the way the cookie crumbles. Where are those hookers I ordered?

They're in the parlor. Just be back by 8. We'll have a lot to talk about.

Shark Jesus: Fine asshat.

7:56pm - Shark Jesus: Done.

That was fast.

Shark Jesus: I nut pretty damn fast. They're whores. They aren't going to enjoy it anyway so you don't have to worry about stamina.

Fascinating insight good sir.

8:00pm - Its official. Barack Obama is the new President.

8:01pm - I wish I was in Grant Park instead of Mexico. We'll pack up and go back to the states after his victory speech.

Shark Jesus: Simply amazing.

I know. The son of a Kenyan immigrant is our new President.

Shark Jesus: No, not that. I mean, thats dope and all, I'm hip. I meant I've got wood again.

Christ man.

Shark Jesus: I know, its a real problem.

8:07pm - John Lewis, a great American hero, is nearly in tears on NBC. Very touching. I wish Hawk were alive to put this one on the board. I know he's up there calling the election a can of corn...Shark - thoughts?

Shark?

Apparently Shark Jesus has returned to the whores. Way to ruin the moment dude.

8:18pm - John McCain is conceding in Arizona. At least he's magnanimous. His supporters are booing and groaning.

Shark Jesus: Well, looking at that shriveled old prune Cindy McCain will certainly keep me from getting another boner.

Thats something at least.

8:29pm - Great speech by McCain. Good move not letting Sarah Palin speak.

Shark Jesus: Dude, seriously. Its over time to drink.

I'm with you good sir.

8:42pm - Someone get a shovel. The post-election spin bullshit is getting deep. Naturally, they were all experts all along.

8:56pm - The van is loaded and ready. We'll be heading back to the states after President-elect Obama's speech. Here he is!

Shark Jesus: I'm gonna want another whore after this.

Dude, put a sock in it. We don't want to hear about this shit. The new President is about to speak.

9:17pm - Thats it. Brilliant. God I love Michelle Obama. America now has its first skeet-worthy first lady.

Shark Jesus: I agree.

I know you do. You're a sex addict. You probably would do Biden.

Shark Jesus: Well, if it wasn't for the bald spot.

At least you're honest about it.

Well, I think we're gonna wrap it up there. There are still some races of interest to Shark Jesus and I personally, but...

Shark Jesus: Yeah, thats right. I'm big time for the train prop in California.

OK. Anyway, thats election 2008. Have a good night America. YES WE CAN.

Oh, Shark - make sure Hawk's body makes it in the van.

Shark Jesus: I'm all over it.

November 5th Can't Get Here Fast Enough

Have you heard? Today is Election Day! If you’ve already voted before today, good for you for voting, but OMG LOL at you for foregoing your constitutional right to get an “I Voted!” sticker.

That’s right! There’s finally an end to all the negative ads and mudslinging. We get back to a focus on actual politics, not a war waged in the media between the candidates. Saturday Night Live can move past the same two tired jokes on their “Election Specials” and get back to being fu-…yeah, bad example there.

I agree with many people when they say this election is the most interesting yet. With this being the third election that I’ve been eligible to vote for, more than any of the others, I cannot wait for Wednesday to be here – because I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of the phone calls, I’m tired of the mailers (Goo! As a registered Independent, I get it from both parties!), I’m tired of musicians and actors telling me who I should vote for. Maybe it’s the way society has gone, perhaps we need to have our (mis)information force-fed to us. As Daft Funk would say, "Not."

I don’t care who you vote for, I’m not going to shill for anyone, you’re a big boy and can hopefully make your own decisions. If you can't, well, who am I to say? Maybe you can believe all of the emails you surely got, and you'll have to decide between a raving lunatic and a Muslim with a terrorist's agenda. Happy voting.

Yeah, so about my animosity - where does it come from? I’ve thought about this quite a bit. Jealousy is the only thing I can think of. I'm jealous that I can't seem to ever vote in an election where I get that warm, fuzzy feeling in my tummy and genitalia. In my jaded and cynical way of viewing politics (c’mon, my Blogger handle is The Hundley), I have little to no trust in any of them. How great would it be to have a President elected that has actually held a real job? Someone who actually gave an honest opinion without first checking with their campaign strategist to see how it would affect their constituency? Well, that’s not going to happen, it’s not how the game is played. And as HHH’s theme song says, “It’s all about the game, and how you play it.” Which leads me to where I am now, much like where I was four years ago. Going to the poll, my mind is made up to vote for the candidate who I think will lie the least. Is this how voting should be?

(Cue “God Bless America”)

But seriously, please use one of your most important rights as an American, vote! Don't be someone who says "It doesn't matter." What if no one voted? It matters. Most importantly, you can't complain about the President if you didn't vote!

Image courtesy of Texas on the Potomac

Overrated/Underated: Everything Edition

Quick hits! BOO-YAH!

Overrated: Patriots Coaches Not Named Bill Belichick

Remember that Romeo Crennel guy? He coached for the Pats under Belichick and went to the Browns as a hotshot head coach. 3.5 years later, he's fired! That's what happens when you go 23-33 and your players quit on you. Sure he had a 10-6 season last year, but a lot of that had to do with a favorable schedule and the fact that his (also overrated) quarterback played a fantastic first half.

What about that other guy? The other hotshot coach? Charie Weis! Riding the strength of a bunch of players the last coach recruited to Notre Dame, Weis went 19-4. When most of those players left and Weis started having to use the players he recruited himself, he's gone 8-12. Considering Notre Dame plays a pretty easy schedule every year, they'd probably be even worse in an actual conference. In Notre Dame's last 16 games against teams over .500, the Fighting Irish are 1-15. Awesome record.

Not.

Underrated: Nintendo 64

With the regular old NES being the retro-gaming console of choice for most of the decade, as well as increased popularity of Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo, the Nintendo 64 sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. NES, Genesis and SNES are all great consoles, but give the N64 its due as well. If you're in the 18-25 age group, how many countless hours have you spent playing Goldeneye while you should have been doing school projects? How much did The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time kick your ass the first time you played it? Don't forget about Starfox 64 either. Or Mario Cart 64. Or Perfect Dark. Or NFL Quarterback Club '99. The damn list goes on and on. The fact that you can wander in to a GameStop and pick up the system for about $35 and games for between $5-10, there's no reason you shouldn't own one.

Underrated: Ranch Dressing

Putting ranch on salad? That's so 1990. I use ranch for just about anything I eat. I dip pizza in ranch dressing and shovel it into my food-hole two hands at a time. Buffalo wings covered in ranch? Hell yeah! I also find myself putting it on toast, pouring it onto cereal, topping ice cream with it and sometimes just drinking it straight. I dare you to name one thing that can't be improved by ranch dressing.

Overrated: $5 Foot Long Sandwiches At Subway

Get the fuck out of my life. I remember when footlong sandwiches were under $4 each back in the old days. Now $5 is supposed to be a steal? Forgive me if I don't spring into action fellating you with thanks. And that song...god dammit...I'd rather listen to someone beating a baby with a cat. Next.

Underrated: Bacon Burgers

I'm not talking about a hamburger with bacon on it. I'm talking about a burger made entirely out of bacon. Just take the bacon, grind it through a meat grinder a few times, and form the bacon bits into patties. Cook, serve, heart attack. What a delicious way to die. Find out more here.

Underrated: Paul Rudd

I'm straight as an arrow, but I would make out with Paul Rudd if he asked. He tickles me in a way that only a young Rob Lowe has in the past. Clueless aside, Rudd is one of the funnier movie stars in Hollywood today, perfectly pulling off the "slacker guy whose dry humor covers up the fact that he actually cares" part that used to belong to Vince Vaughn. And anyone that makes less Vince Vaughn in my life gets 2 thumbs up.

Overrated: The Beach

Fuck the beach. It's hot, it's wet and it's sandy. It's full of douchebags playing catch with either a football or a Frisbee. It smells like dead fish. On an increasing amount of Southern California beaches, you can't even drink anymore. Stop me when I get to the part that's supposed to be appealing.

Underrated: Tracy Morgan

Watch this. Thank me later.

E-Claire's Kollege Kegger

Crack open a beer...Because college football season is officially underway! So each week, I will (attempt) to recap the best - and the worst - games for you in quick and easy fashion...Much like your girlfriend at a frat party...Zing!

Since this will be the final Kegger on TMS, I've decided to do something special by bringing back the haikus. I know what you're thinking..."E-Claire! You've done haikus before - this isn't special...This is bullshit!" But the "special" part is that in each haiku, I've included a very subtle farewell message to TMS. Exciting, right? Whatever. Onto the games...

Premium games on tap...

No. 6 Texas Tech def. No. 1 Texas 39-33:
McCoy tried his best
But the comeback came up short
Farewell, TMS



No. 22 Michigan State def. Wisconsin 25-24:
Spartans get the win
With late fourth quarter field goal
So long, TMS

No. 14 Missouri def. Baylor 31-28:
Baylor had a chance
But their QB was picked off
Goodbye, TMS

No. 17 BYU def. Colorado State 45-42:
BYU scored late
To complete their comeback win
Peace out, TMS

Cincinnati def. No. 24 South Florida 24-10:
Cincy's QB Pike
Played wearing a cast and won
Later, TMS


Games that resembled the foam at the end of a keg of Natty Light:

No. 4 Oklahoma def. Nebraska 62-28:
Oklahoma scored
Thirty-five in first quarter
Bye Bye, TMS



No. 5 Florida def. No. 8 Georgia 49-10:
In this football game
Tebow made Georgia his bitch
See ya, TMS


TMS Alma Mater roundup (schools attended by TMS bartenders highlighted in green):

Purdue def. Michigan 48-42:
Purdue won this one
With some late game trickery
Michigan is bad
(I know I'm doing the whole subtle goodbye thing, but I had to say something about Michigan. They're not gonna go to a bowl game for the first time in 33 years...And this is their first losing season since the late 60's...Damn.)

Northern Iowa def. Western Illinois 30-6:
UNI gets win
With help from freshman QB
Laterz, TMS

LaGrange College def. Euerka College 63-19:
Eureka gets owned
And no one's really surprised
Toodles, TMS (I'm really reaching here)

Wyoming def. San Diego State 35-10:
State loses again
This is getting ludicrous
Adieu, TMS

North Central College def. Illinois Wesleyan University 30-7:
Seven turnovers
Doomed the Titans to a loss
Ciao to TMS

Georgia Tech def. No. 16 Florida State 31-28:
The Noles had a chance
To win but fumbled the ball
Ta-ta, TMS

Illinois def. Iowa 27-24:
Iowa loses
Due to a late game field goal
Godspeed, TMS


Penn State, UCLA - DNP this week