So About Tonight...

God, it's been such a long wait. Can you remember what you were doing? Were you even born?

Of course you were. Game 7 was June 19th. Are you an infant? If so, go back to bed. Stupid babies.

Tonight is BALL NIGHT as the 2016-2017 NBA season is finally upon us. To celebrate, the NBA released their team "hashflags," which for those of you over the age of 20 are hashtags that will prompt a fun little graphic. These are, unfortunately, terrible;

#TakeNote? #ItTakesEverything? Are these seriously the best the league office could come up with? And what the fuck is #MFFL? Marketing 101: if you have to ask what this is, you fail.

As usual, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. "DIY" as Swanny used to say (RIP Swanny, he died like he lived: whittling shirtless). Here are the new and improved TMS NBA Team Hashflags for 2016-2017. These suck too, but damn it, I did it with love:

Game 3 Recap: Get It All Out

I'm really frustrated and angry. In sports, the mantra is "stay positive and believe" but holy crap, are the Cubs testing my patience.

You know what? For just a minute, let's forget all that. Let's embrace the doom and gloom because honestly, getting all the garbage the last 2 games has built up in your soul out into the open is good for you. Here are all the awful things I've seen over the last 2 games in no particular order.

• Addison Russell needs to be benched for a game. He's absolutely lost and waving at garbage pitches that are a foot outside and low. He needs a mental break and should really try and figure out what he's doing wrong or what pitchers have done to him that he hasn't adjusted back to. Remember, this isn't just Awful Playoff Addison. Russell has shown that he's no stranger to getting ice cold for long stretches at a time. In April, he hit .214. In June, he hit .214. In September, he hit .231. It's amazing what an All Star start and Jason Heyward's own shittiness can distract from. I'm not saying Russell isn't a great player (especially considering how young he is), but he's not as good a hitter as you might think.
• Could the Cubs possibly hit any more baseballs directly at Dodger fielders? The Cubs' batting average on balls put into play last night was .190. If you're not familiar with BABIP, that's really, really, REALLY bad.
• I understand the importance of confidence and bravado in sports, but man is it tough to see Arrieta talk such a big game sometimes and lay a hot steamy dump on the mound. He talks and acts like he's the same pitcher from the second half of 2015, but he is absolutely not that guy. He's not even the Arrieta we saw in 2014. He's not even Jason Hammel over the last half a season. Over his last 16 starts (which doesn't even include one good postseason start and last night's hot fart), Jake has a 4.44 ERA and has walked 3.7 batters per 9 innings over that time, which is awful. I know that Smoltz went on and on last night about how sometimes Arrieta's control can leave for a bit and the window of time before he gets it back is the opportunity to score, but I don't think that's the case. It's not that he loses control for a bit, it's that he only has control from time to time. The majority of his second half starts, Jake's mechanics just look awful. And yes, I know next to nothing about mechanics and hitches in deliveries and what not, but you can't watch Arrieta pitch and say that he looks like he's doing a fluid and effective pitching motion. From the first batter of the game, his fastball location was way off from where Montero was positioning himself.
• Remember how last year's Cubs were susceptible to power pitchers who could rack up strikeouts and then they just so happened to run into a Mets team that had 4 guys like that in their rotation? We're looking at a same song, different verse this season. I know that a lot of analysts have mentioned that the Cubs are one of the better hitting teams against lefties this season, but that includes all lefties. If there's one thing we've seen so far this playoff series, it's that this is a team that is built to struggle against elite lefties with high strikeout rates. "Well how many of those are out there?" is a valid question, because there aren't a ton. But we've managed to face them in 4 of our 7 playoff games (Bumgarner/Moore/Kershaw/Hill). For a team that gets torn apart by elite left handed pitching, that's no good. Did I mention that 75% of the Dodger rotation is left handed?
• The number of hard choices that need to be made against left handed starters is a domino effect of garbage. Do you keep Heyward in the lineup, knowing that you're trading 9 innings of awesome fielding for an 0-4 day at the plate? Do you put in Jorge Soler knowing that he's ice cold and not that great a defender?
• I'm finished with the "Montero needs to be Arrieta's personal catcher" bullshit now too. Jake is terribly slow to the plate and Montero absolutely has the worst arm of any catcher on the roster. Even if the steals don't show up in the box score, the constant threat from the runner at first (added to Jake's shaky mechanics) is enough of a distraction to affect the game.
• The bottom line is that right now, there are 2 slumping parts of the lineup that have shown at least some signs of life (Rizzo, Zobrist) and a whopping 4 players (Russell, Heyward, Montero, pitcher's spot) that look absolutely lost right now. When 4 lineup spots contribute nothing and two others are barely doing better than that, you're not going to score many runs against ANYONE, let alone a handful of the best pitchers on the planet.
• I know that by the strict definition, tonight's game isn't a "must win" because it's only game 4, but every Cubs fan knows that with Kershaw ready to go tomorrow night in the case of a 3-1 Dodgers series lead, the Cubs have to win tonight to get back in this series. And they have to do that with John Lackey, who was brought in to win these exact types of games except for the fact that he looks super worn out right now and is on a super small sample size streak of 2 straight bad playoff starts.

Who needs a drink?

Ok, so as much as I want to just sit here and wallow in the reverse shower of anger and gloom, there are a few things to keep in mind:

1. The Cubs had to come back and win 3 out of 4 games to beat the Cardinals in the playoffs last year. Granted, the Cardinals didn't have Clayton Kershaw, but it's not like they haven't been in this position before.
2. To really emphasize just how NOT deep of a hole the Cubs are in right now, if they win tonight (against a rookie), they will not only be tied with the Dodgers 2-2, but they will also have homefield advantage back for the remaining games. Yes, with just one win.
3. Yes, it is a SUPER SUPER small sample size, but the Cubs are slashing .359/.405/.995 against Urias.

That's all I can think of. Feel free to get your Cubs hate out in some way or another and come into tonight's game in the right mindset.

I hate baseball so much right now.

The Gist: Not Great, Bob

Yes, I stayed awake for the whole game last night. If one person this morning asks me "Was it worth it?" I will murder them for 2 reasons. First, I don't even know how to answer that question. Did Bryant's homer make it worth staying up? Was the potential to watch them clinch worth my current zombie-like state? I can't begin to sufficiently answer that kind of question. Second, as I mentioned before, I am in a sleep-deprived zombie state and zombies murder, so consider yourself murdered, hypothetical person.

So yeah, the game last night was full of ups and downs (and ups and downs and ups and downs). I liked some of the things I saw. I disliked other things that I saw. I tasted vomit in the back of my throat from some of the things I saw. Let's get down to it in a structure that I decided upon this morning to be the least amount of effort on my part to write so I can get back to dreaming about eating Rick Grimes' brains.

The Good:

• Holy crap, Arrieta with that moonshot! Everyone is always so quick to give Madison Bumgarner credit as the best hitting pitcher in baseball, but Arrieta actually had a better overall line this season at the plate (.262/.304/.415) than Bumgarner (.186/.268/.360) by quite a bit. Arrieta muscling up and driving a ball into the stands shouldn't surprise anyone. The fact that he did it off of Madison Bumgarner was plenty impressive though.
• Man, a whole lot of calls went the Cubs' way, none bigger than the throw that pulled Rizzo off the bag at first that somehow did not get overturned. I mean I'll take whatever breaks the Cubs can get in the playoffs, but I'm sure I could look at the 12 inch TV/VCR combo I had in college and watched the game via antenna instead of cable and still have been able to point out the inch of space between Rizzo's foot and the bag.
• Almora's catch was insane. I am going to miss Dexter Fowler like a son when he leaves Chicago, but Almora's play as a rookie that was called up a little early out of necessity has me excited about seeing what he can do over a full season. Plus, it would be great if the Cubs organization could finally develop a young, talented position player. HAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING WE HAVE LIKE 12 OF THEM AND I AM STILL GOING SLEEP INSANE.
• Bryant's game tying home run in the 9th inning is exactly what an MVP does in a big moment. Kris Bryant is so good and I can't wait to sign him to a 50 year deal for $3 billion.
• We should take a second and really appreciate the talented lefty difference-maker that we were able to bring onboard at the trade deadline. When someone writes a book about the 2016 Cubs, I hope there's a whole chapter about how overlooked and awesome Mike Montgomery (or MIKMON as we call him around here) is. I pray that the fact that he eventually lost the game doesn't overshadow how awesome he was last night. Yes, he's started and relieved this year so we know he can do either job, but going 4 innings out of nowhere is a really tough thing to do, and MIKMON battled through, looking pretty gassed into just his second inning of work.

The Bad:

• I am not second guessing Joe's use of the bullpen on the field last night (more on what I mean in a minute), because other than maybe leaving in Strop for a bit longer if possible, he played it like he should have. The unfortunate side effect is that a lot of the bullpen might be pretty spent. MIKMON won't be able to go for sure, which is unfortunate considering how many lefty bats the Giants have to use.
• Unfortunately, the guys that probably will be available tonight are the ones that I really don't want to see right now. I'll get to Chapman in a minute, but that's not all that's rotten in Denmark. Hector Rondon hasn't looked good since coming back from his injury. His velocity seems fine, so maybe it's a mechanical thing. Whatever thing it is, thing needs to get fixed.
• The one thing I will criticize a bit was Joe having multiple members of the bullpen all warm up for 7 innings before coming into the game. Now I trust that Joe knows more about bullpen management than I do, but it just seemed like Montgomery (and later Edwards Jr.) were wasting valuable pitches trying to stay loose for multiple innings. Could Montgomery have been sharp enough to make it through 5 scoreless if he didn't have to get up and sit down multiple times? Will Edwards Jr. have any ill effects from the amount of time he warmed up and didn't make it into the game?
• The Cubs left a LOOOOOOOT of men on base last night. Every opportunity to seemingly drive a steak through Bumgarner's heart was squashed. Like Smoltz said during last night's broadcast, Bumgarner's ability to grind out 5 innings was so valuable to the Giants and their (usually) terrible bullpen.

The Ugly:

• Last night we got Bad Jake, the version of Jake that we saw a lot over his last 16 starts. And before I say anything else, I know that I'm talking about a guy who is the reigning Cy Young winner and threw a no-hitter this year. But it's exactly because we've been so spoiled by those Jakes that we can tell that something just isn't clicking with Bad Jake. I don't think any pitcher not named Kershaw could replicate Arrieta's second half of 2015, but the way Arrieta is pitching right now isn't even the Arrieta from the first half, or even 2014 Arrieta for that matter. I don't know enough about pitching to offer any detail as to what exactly is wrong, but when Jake gets out of whack, when he can't locate his fastball and looks like his mechanics are pulling him off course...there's gotta be SOMETHING that can be fixed, right?
• Aroldis Chapman was terrible last night. His command was off, much like it's been off a lot lately. Now when you throw 100+ MPH hitters tend to get themselves out so you can cover it up. But I guarantee you that the book on Chapman for any team facing the Cubs for the rest of the postseason will be "Be patient and make him actually throw strikes." The number of pitches he threw last night that were in the opposite part of the strike zone than they were called for was frightening.
• Rizzo continues to slump. I know it's not all his fault, especially on a night when he faced a million lefties, but it would be really nice to see a big game out of him tonight.

I was mad when the Cubs lost last night. I kept thinking that San Francisco is the exact team you don't want to let off the hook and the last thing you need to do in a short series is give your opponent any momentum, especially in their park. I was mad that the team wasn't able to take advantage of Kris Bryant's bring-us-back-from-the-dead home run.

But then I remembered that juuuuust about everything had to go right for the Giants last night. They had to start the guy that is one of the greatest postseason pitchers of all time AND rely on an abnormal amount of left handed hitters to get hits off of tough left handed pitchers (seriously, the lefty Giants were 6-for-13 against Cubs left handed pitching) AND pull every pitcher they had out of their back pocket just to scrape by us and avoid being swept. And even that was ALMOST not enough.

I like our chances tonight. I like our chances against Matt Moore. I think the Cubs can put bats on him. Let's wrap it up tonight.

Go Cubs.

Jeff Samardzija: Hot Diarrhea Geyser - The TMS Oral History

In every lifetime, there are certain moments that will go down in history as defining moments in American culture. TMS Oral History is a series where we take a closer look at such moments through the eyes of those who made it happen. "Where were you when it happened?" Let's find out.

The following story is one that has been around for years, as much a part of Chicago Cubs lore as the Ryne Sandberg game, Kerry Wood's 20 strikeouts and Jake Arrieta's 2015 second half. Unfortunately, this story is the product of a certain player being less Jake Arrieta and more Brant Brown. That player is Jeff Samardzija, one of the most frustrating players in recent Cubs memory. TMS bartenders Rich, John and Jake (along with other notable contributors) will walk you through the story of the greatest baseball nickname ever.

"What do I know about Hot Diarrhea Geyser? Man, I know that it can bring you face to face with who you are."
 - John

Rich (TMS writer): I can't remember a player that was as equally despised and loved like Jeff Samardzija. The fact that he came out of Notre Dame was the absolute best or worst thing about him depending on who you ask. And the fact that he had a very douchey vibe and look didn't really help.

Jake (TMS founder, Wikipedia vandal): It was September 4, 2013. The Cubs won that day, but no thanks to Samardzija. There was a day game and I had just gotten back from picking up a decent lunch that an adult would eat.

John (TMS writer, BBQ connoisseur): I'm 98% sure that Jake went to get his lunch from a gas station that day.

Rich: I don't remember that day specifically, but Jake usually gets his lunch at gas stations.

Jake: I admit nothing.

Rich: We had been watching Samardzija suck at baseball for a while at this point, and the fact that he had seemed to give himself the nickname 'Shark' just made us hate him more. You can't just give yourself a nickname.

Joe Biden (Vice President of the United States, TMS reader): I'd like to think I've done a lot of good in my life for this country. I'm wrapping up a second term as Vice President of the United States. I've been elected as a Senator 6 times. When you work in the government that much, you see a lot of awful, despicable, immoral things. So trust me when I tell you that Jeff Samardzija giving himself that nickname is one of the more unforgivable things I have ever witnessed. He was really setting himself up to be taken down a peg or two, and that's exactly what Jake and the Thunder Matt boys had in mind.

The pitching box score of the fateful game.

John: A little background on me: I've loved the Cubs since I was a little kid, but every now and then I'll out-and-out despise one, like a mother pelican eating the runt of the litter. The litter of pelicans, see. Neal Cotts, Neifi Perez, John Grabow, Jeff Blauser - they've all felt my vengeful pelican wrath.

Rich: John once sent me a drunken rant about Justin Grimm that would make Donald Trump blush. When you get on his bad side...let's just say don't get on his bad side.

Jake: I think John might have actually murdered Jeff Blauser. Has anyone seen Jeff Blauser lately?

John: There was one guy in particular who was not only a crap-ass player, but an inexplicable fan favorite: Jeffrey Alan Samardzija. A big part of that is that he went to Notre Dame, and Notre Dame fans are even more insufferable than White Sox fans in this town. I'd estimate that 97 percent of the local green-clad mouth breathers never sniffed a class in South Bend, and god forbid you meet a local who did. You'll know them by their trashy gigantic class ring (a touch of faux-Italy in faux-Ireland) and their smirk, which will call to mind someone named Chad or Brayden or Bode. To hear them hoot for a shitty reliever with no control and a 1.45 WHIP was about the only unpleasant part of the 2008 regular season.

Rich: Now if I remember correctly, Jeff didn't really have too terrible of a start to the game. I think it was 3-2 Cubs going into the top of the 5th inning. That was the thing about Samardzija - he would lull you into a false sense of security before uncorking a torrent of pure, uncut filth all over the dining room. He should have had an exclusive deal with Stanley Steemer.

John: He got Christian Yelich out, and we thought things were looking fine from behind the bar in the Saloon. But the old seismograph we keep on the wall suddenly started going haywire. This could not be a good omen, I thought.

Jake: Mike Stanton singled. Justin Ruggiano singled. Logan Morrison walked. And naturally, Adeiny Hechavarria, whose career slugging percentage was a whopping fucking .336, blasts a majestic grand slam off Samardzija. That was what, one of 14 home runs he hit in his whole career? And then Koyie Hill doubles off him, which is probably even more embarassing.

John: The guy who literally stuck his hand in a table saw managed one more "you suck" hit right up the pipe. The boos were thick, rich, and acrid that day when Samardzija left the mound, like a New England Cham Chowder made with motor oil.

Joe Biden: It was an embarrassment. It was a national embarrassment.

Here is a transcript of the live chat at TMS during the game:

Ben: How did Jeff Samardzija turn terrible so quickly?
John: Quickly? He's been bloodfarting on the mound since 2009.
Jake: It might have to do with this the first time he's ever pitched over 180 innings in a season, ever.
John: He was cut off semi-early last year. Also, he's been kinda shitty for a few months. Since June, at least.
Jake: Hey remember when we paid him $3 million in 2010 to pitch 19.1 shitty innings. He was 25 years old then.
John: Good ole Hendry.
Jake: A lot of people will look at those big contracts dished out to Z and Soriano but the offer Hendry gave Snork may be the dumbest contract he ever offered.

Rich: It was funny because we knew better. We knew better than to think that this wouldn't happen all over again. And we still got sucked in. And despite seeing this happen time and time again, somehow this was different. The hate was more acrid, more of a sludge than usual. There was something almost majestic to the hate that we had in our hearts.

John: I needed a way to describe the continual disappointment and anger that Samardzija put me and other Cubs fans who don't give a shit about ND through. He'd just trickled through some trouble spots in the first few, but that fifth inning was an ERUPTION of awfulness. Just a steaming ... oh, man. That was it. A Hot Diarrhea Geyser. That, I figured, would be a fitting nickname for a guy who regularly melted down Zambrano-style but had a legion of mustached white guy fans to defend him. I'd  also always hated the nickname "Shark," which no one calls him and which I'm 98 percent certain he gave himself.

Kanye West (TMS reader, rapper): I was playing an outdoor festival in Paris as this game was going on. I didn't even have the game on, but I could feel it. I could feel that shit happening. I stopped in the middle of performing Heartless and walked off stage. 120,000 screaming fans and I just left them. I couldn't go on. It made me hate sharing a species with Jeff.

John: But see, I'm only a passively terrible person. An Eddie Haskell, if you will. I politely asked fellow bartender Mr. Terrible Cubs Fan to intercede with the folks at Wikipedia, then I went off to a soul-killing meeting. When I came back, it had already started happening. It was unbelievable. It was magic.

John: I don't know. In terms of just being a spraying geyser of hot diarrhea, you have to look at Grabow and Marmol's contracts. Who the fuck did Hendry think he was bidding against there?
John: Jake, can you please change his nickname on Wikipedia from "Shark" to "Hot Diarrhea Geyser?"
Jake: OK but screencap it because I bet some ND Douchenozzle lords over that page from his parents basement.
John: Ready to go.

There it was. Jake had made John's wish come true.

Jake: 2:21 PM on September 4, 2013 the edit went live. It lasted until 8:55am on September 5, 2013. Apparently this was enough time to effect the Google preview of his Wikipedia page. We got a good laugh out of it and I assumed within an hour or two it would be taken down. But then social media got a hold of it.

I had the same nickname growing up. pic.twitter.com/YZFgCt0xCr

— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) September 5, 2013

Rich: I remember that Tom Fornelli from CBS Sports tweeted about it. It started having a life of its own.

Jake: The Score picked it up.

Rich: Yeah, Jay Zawaski (Executive Producer, host and hockey columnist at 670 The Score in Chicago) was the guy at the Score that picked up on it.

Jeff "Hot Diarrhea Geyser" Samardzija. https://t.co/QZESNu02ZA Thanks @AndrewCieslak

— Jay Zawaski (@JayZawaski670) September 5, 2013

Joe Biden: I had a nice chuckle when I first heard the name. Hillary didn't get it.

John: People I knew were forwarding it to me not knowing that I was the one that was behind it.

Jake: The next morning I announced its death. It lived to the ripe old age of 18 hours and 48 minutes. The impression was left though.  Hot Diarrhea Geyser on Google still comes up with his page. Don't look at the image search results for that though. You can even look at Twitter search results and see that people actually used it as his real nickname for quite a while.

Twitter search results.

HDG still being referenced in late 2013.

Rich: Even now, I still hear the nickname being used once in a while. It's nice, and it's definitely fitting.

Still being referenced in 2015.

Kanye West: I loved it. I loved it. Really sticking it to Samardzija was my inspiration for The Life of Pablo. I was challenged to put something into the world that was as creative and bold and forward-thinking as Hot Diarrhea Geyser. It changed the game, man. Yeezy is great, but HDG is the best nickname of all time. Of all time.

"Oh, if only you got paid to do these things."
  - Jake's wife

John: Hot Diarrhea Geyser was a bad pitcher, and a bad man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and geysering hot diarrhea, and as a pitcher he diarrhea geysered the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Hot Diarrhea Geyser. Hot Diarrhea Geyser, who loved geysering hot diarrhea. And so, Hot Diarrhea Geyser , in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

Rich: Hot Diarrhea Geyser wasn't the nickname Jeff Samardzija needed. Hot Diarrhea Geyser is the nickname he deserved.

God, Are We Awful: Part Infinity

The last time we posted anything here was in JULY. I'd like to say we got so swept up in the Cubs second half play that we just couldn't get to it, but anyone who has followed this site for any amount of time knows that we're prone to just wandering off into the wilderness without word of when we'll be back. It can happen at any time.

So yes, we are the worst, but at least we know it. I would apologize for making us such a big part of your life and then going-out-for-a-pack-of-smokes-ing you all, but if we're your main source of Cubs news, jesus...I don't know what to tell you.

But holy shit, as bad as we are, the Cubs are the exact opposite of that. They are the best. I want to spend every day watching them be best friends and having more fun than anyone else while crushing all teams under their boot. I want to meet up with them and solve mysteries together. Since we last talked, the Cubs have been awesome and somehow remained really sharp despite playing about 20 of their final games with nothing on the line.

And now, as the Mets and Giants currently face off to determine who gets to come to Wrigley for the weekend, let me remind you that Thunder Matt's Saloon was the first major news source in the world to go on record and endorse a 2016 Cubs championship, and we're absolutely sticking to our prediction. I forgot until just now that I made a bunch of predictions in that piece. Should we see how good I did? Yes we should.

(NOTE: If you're reading this, that means that I probably did pretty good with said predictions because if it turns out I was WAY off, I would have deleted this part and made up something else in its place. I am a vain and petty person. But I'm writing and you're not, so I get to do things like that.)

PREDICTION #1: 

"(Jon) Lester has a season not quite as good as his 2014 and not nearly as uneven as his 2015. Let's split the difference with an ERA around 2.90. Spread that across 200 innings and throw in north of 200 strikeouts and a handful of clutch playoff performances and you've got yourself a true second ace behind Jake Arrieta in the Cubs rotation."

Did I get It Right?: Yeah, pretty much. I might have been a bit high on the strikeouts and ERA, but I'd say they're all close enough (and illustrating the point that I thought Lester would bounce back from a decent but not amazing 2015). Off to a great start!

PREDICTION #2:

"I think Bryant, Russell and Schwarber all fend off the dreaded Sophomore Slump and improve upon their 2015 seasons across the board."

Did I get It Right?: Sorta? On one hand, I wasn't exactly going out on a huge limb with this one. On the other hand, Bryant and Russell did improve in their second years, both offensively and defensively. On the third imaginary hand, Schwarber didn't get much better at anything. On the fourth mutant Cronenberg hand, I'm in charge here so I'm taking this one. 2 for 2!

What's next?

(Crosses fingers) PleasenothingHeywardpleasenothingHeywardpleasenothingHeyward...

PREDICTION #3:

Soler settles in and posts a 23 homer season with at least 70 runs and 70 RBI while hitting around .270.

Did I get It Right?: No whammy! Well technically they're both disappointing outfielders, but yeah, I was way off on this one. While Soler did hit more home runs than he did in 2015, he was nowhere near 23 even in a year when everyone and their grandmother hit 20+. And if you add his runs and RBI, even that doesn't reach 70.

Before moving on, I will say that Soler was a bit better in the second half than the first, slashing .258/.348/.515 after the break. Although most of that damage happened in August, as he hit just .182 in September. Still, Soler proved last postseason that he can hit when it counts. Not bad out of your 7th or 8th best hitter.

PREDICTION #4:

Adam Warren and a full season of Clayton Richard and Trevor Cahill mean the bullpen could potentially go 6 deep

Did I get It Right?: NOOOOOOOPE

PREDICTION #5:

The 2016 Cubs will win the World Series.

Did I get It Right?: Remains to be seen. Probably.

TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

War Criminal: This God Damn Popup

No, I don't want to give feedback. No one ever wants to give you feedback. The fact that I have a popup blocker and ad blocker should have told you that. Go the fuck away already.

The Gist: GUHHHHHHHH

We can all agree that last night's Cubs game was the worst game of the season, right? I'm actually glad that there was such a long rain delay. Even though I slept through a dramatic comeback by the home team, I also slept through the awful "nope, looks like we don't got this" pitching in the 9th and 11th innings.

I'm going to be honest with you - the Cubs aren't playing good baseball right now. But it's tough to put your finger on exactly what it is. Sometimes the offense just disappears, especially against what looks like a favorable matchup on paper. Sometimes the starting pitching isn't great. Sometimes the bullpen suuuuuuucks. Even in the games they lose, the Cubs usually seem to do 2 of those 3 things right, and can you really ask for more than that?

Two and a half weeks ago, we still had that world beater spirit. The Cubs were 47-20 and we just finished sweeping the Pirates in Chicago. The Cubs have gone 5-13 since then and have now lost 7 of their last 8 games. Can you imagine if this team had started the year going 5-13 out of the gate? Chicago's north side would have burned itself down. But take that same stretch of games and plunk it in at the end of the first half and it's a lot easier to swallow. And like I pointed out earlier this week, it's not like all these losses are coming against awful teams. Sure, the Reds are kind of awful and the Braves are definitely awful, but the Cubs have also played 11 of the last 18 games against the pretty decent Cardinals/Marlins/Mets too, so we should cut them a little slack.

Not everything is perfect in Cubsland though. Here are the 3 biggest red flags going into the All-Star break:

1. Someone Needs To Sex Fowler: Remember when Bruce Levine tweeted out that 'Sex Fowler' was out with a sore heel in May? We all had a good chuckle at his supposed typo, but maybe he stumbled onto a darker secret, that the entire Cubs offense runs on someone being available to sex Fowler. Maybe it's in his contract? Either way, I'm glad that he's going to aim to be back after the ASB because we really need some Sex Fowler at the top of the lineup again.

2. Arrieta Needs To Get His Walks Together: Get them all together. So they're together. And if you need to take them somewhere, take them to the walk store. Or the walk museum. Put all your walks in a backpack if you need to. Just get them together.

Honestly though, Jake Arrieta is a competitor and you know he's doing everything he can to figure out this semi-slump he's been in lately which also happens to be one of the most difficult jobs in all of sports. But if I could just take off my psychiatrist hat and put on my pitching coach jowls, I have a suggestion that might turn Jake's season back around. That Clayton Kershaw is really good, so one thing Jake could do is study exactly what it is that Clayton Kershaw does and then just go do that exact same thing. Seems pretty simple, right?

3. This Bullpen: For me personally, I think the bullpen's performance in last year's NLDS made me view them through rose tinted glasses for too much of this year. I mean all these dudes did against the Cardinals in the playoffs last year was get big outs. And yeah, Cahill has kept at least a little of that magic going this season, Clayton Richard is Who We Thought He Is, Neil Ramirez died in a fire and GRIMMHOLE is still lurking. Always lurking.

Fortunately, bullpen arms are pretty easy to come by come trade deadline time, so hopefully the Cubs can stock up.

And you know what? That's a whole lot of complaining from me about a team that is up by EIGHT GAMES and has one of the best records in baseball. So here are a few things to keep in mind and get you right back from being an angry drunk to that sweet spot of being a violently mischievous drunk.

Rondon Blew The Save And That's OK: Blown saves feel bad. Blown saves to terrible teams feel worse. Blown saves to terrible teams that you just made an improbable comeback against in the bottom of the 8th are juuuuust about as bad as they get. So yes, last night's blown save was sooooo bad to watch, but it's just another save. If Rondon would have blown one of the games of the sweep against the Pirates (WHICH ONE???) but nailed down last night, we'd still have the same end result. It would hurt a lot less, but would still be the same result.

We Got A Little Spoiled: Remember when the Cubs had awesome and timely hitting, awesome and timely pitching and awesome and effective bullpen work? All at the same time? Do you remember that the Cubs pulled that off for about 2 and a half months? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? Like I said, when it comes to offense/starting pitching/relief pitching, even the best teams can usually do just 2 out of 3. The Cubs are still the team that made a mockery of the rest of the NL for most of the first half. Here's hoping they can come out of the break hungry and destroying worlds again.

We're Still Pretty Great At Everything: Even with their recent slump, the Cubs are second in the majors in runs scored, second in OBP, first in ERA, first in starting rotation ERA and a decent 9th in defensive runs saved. And they've been without Jorge Soler and Dexter Fowler and MIGMON for extended periods of time. And they've needed 2 players from AAA to step in and contribute immediately. And they've lost Kyle Schwarber for the entire season.

Still 8 games up, still selling fake doors. It may not be 2015 anymore, but #wearegood is still accurate.

Tom Clancy Had A Better Division: The Pirates have been red hot recently and are still 8 games back. And it seems like to make any kind of move in the second half they're going to have to count on heavy contributions from two rookies with injury history, one of whom is currently hurt.

The Cardinals are so insecure about the Cubs success that even in his Make A Wish dream world scenario, Matt Carpenter still said he saw the Cardinals about 4 games back of the Cubs at the break and that would be "exactly where they want to be". Uhh...I thought that NOT TRAILING is where you want to be. Right? Isn't that how it works? Anyway, Matt Carpenter isn't going to play again until September because of karma and I couldn't be happier!

Oh, Yeah...: Not sure if you heard this or not, but the entire NL starting infield for the All Star Game is made up of Cubs, two of whom started last season in AAA, one of which is my frontrunner for NL MVP.

Cubs Fans: Reasons Not To Drink Bleach

Ugh, well that was certainly a week worth forgetting.

Oh yeah, we're still a thing around here. Longtime readers of this site will know that sometimes, without warning or much reason, things will sort of go quiet around here. I've been on a break because I was getting married, or at least that seemed like the valid excuse for the first week or two. I don't know what everyone else was up to, with everyone yelling about Shia LahBoof and sandwichboxing. That's what we bring to the table that most Cubs sites don't: unbridled ridiculousness.

(And again, if you didn't read Shooter's piece last week about the new Sport Of Kings, do so right now and then come back and listen to me spout my garbage)

Once you get out of your rhythm when it comes to writing this stuff, it's sometimes hard to get back into it. It takes something really powerful to jolt you back to life and get those words flowing again.

And that powerful thing was the stench coming from the giant turd that the Cubs laid last week.

Swept by the Cardinals at Wrigley? Gross.

Lose 3 of 4 to the Marlins? Pungent.

Maybe it's because we've been on an extended honeymoon phase with this team for almost three months - a honeymoon that keeps going past its expected lifespan by reviving itself with the occasional home sweep of the Nationals or Pirates - but some people seem to be losing their shit.

Yeah, it wasn't a great week, but let's all calm down and remember that even really good teams only win 60% of their games because baseball is the most fickle, luck-affected major sport. Seriously...BABIP is a stat that exists to tell us what players are statistically lucky/unlucky. WE HAVE CALCULATED OUT AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT WITH MATH.

Listen, just have a few drinks and relax, man. Go take a sauna. Get drunk and fight your brother. Do whatever you gotta do to get you back in a calm mindset. Every team struggles, even the great ones. It's not time to jump off the roof just yet. Here are some reasons to definitely not kill yourself:

It's Not Like We Lost To Nobodies:
If you're anything like me, it seems like the thorn in the side of this year's Cubs team has been, to be honest, awful teams. For a team playing as well as the Cubs have been so far this season, they certainly have lost their fair share of games to the Padres/Braves/Brewers/Rockies of the world. But guess what? That wasn't the case this week. Both the Cardinals and the Marlins are playing quite well as of late, after slow starts for both teams. If the season ended today, the Marlins would be the second Wild Card team, with the Cards just a game behind them. So it's not like that one week where we lost a bunch of games to the Padres.

The Cubs Didn't Even Look That Bad:
A lot of the games last week were actually pretty close. At least, until the bullpen got involved. They looked bad. I'm super glad that the Cubs have been rumored to be looking for bullpen help, and sooner rather than later, because the bullpen has been suuuuper shaky lately.

The Youth Movement Has Been As Advertised:
Jorge Soler is hurt. Dexter Fowler is hurt. Rizzo and Zobrist are banged up. Those are some big names to not have in a lineup. For a look at how bad a team can struggle if 2-3 players from their AAA team are forced into the lineup, look no further than the Royals. But the Cubs have been able to plug the leaks spectacularly, partially because Baez and Bryant have been able to move all around the diamond, and partially because Almora Jr and Contreras have been as good as advertised. I know it's a small sample size and all so far, but Almora has been great with the glove and just good enough with the bat and Contreras looks like he has the potential to give the Cubs back some of that offense they lost when Schwarber hurt his knee. And if Fowler moves on after this year, Almora can take over in CF while Contreras can split time between C/1B/LF to spell MIGMON and Schwarber next year.

Remember Our Division:
I think the Cubs have beat up on the Pirates enough to lump them in with the Reds and the Brewers in the "We should look forward to these games because the Cubs have a really good chance of winning". The Cubs have 35 games left against the Pirates and Brewers and Reds and have 6 more against the A's and Padres, which comes out to 41 games that you would hope the Cubs could play at least .630 ball against those games. That would be 26-15 ideally and put the Cubs 74-41, meaning they could go .500 against the rest of the teams on the schedule and finish with 98 wins.

Heyward Still Isn't Hitting:
He's gotta come around at some point, right?

Right?

The Cubs still have the best record in baseball (tied!) and are 22 games over .500 with a nine game lead on the second place Cardinals. We're fine.

Introducing Knuckle Sandwich: The New Sport of Kings

The beating heart of human achievement, no matter what the field, depends on continually pushing boundaries. Can a man hit 71 homers? What is the human stomach's capacity for hot dogs? How can a physicist ... do good physics thing?

What if I told you that TMS bartender Rich and I have rolled all the greatest physical, mental, and emotional challenges from those fields into one special custom maki roll of pure iron will? Surely it would be the greatest sport of all time. And so it is. BEHOLD!

The skyscraper of the human mind that is Knuckle Sandwich is based upon twin pillars of undeniable truth. To wit:

- Physical violence is a primal act that stirs the spirit and angries up the blood - the purest distillation of sport.

- Eating contests are the horrifying manifestation of man's darkest nature.

We've combined these things to forge a sport that plays to all regions of man's primordial Ape-Brain. It's the ultimate contest of gentlemanly fortitude. It begins with a challenge, one man to another. Twelve ounce boxing gloves, a standard ring, and the sandwich of the challenged duelist's choice.

"What's that?" you say. "A sandwich?" 

Yeah, man. 

The challenge is simple: 60 second rounds of boxing, followed by 30 second rounds of eating. To win:

- Finish the sandwich in full.

- Make your opponent throw up.

That's it. It's so simple - yet like chess, there are many branching paths to victory or defeat. The head is well padded, and gloves are 12 oz. So battering one's opponent about the head isn't the clearest path to victory. Yet focusing entirely on eating could leave one vulnerable to the vomitous power of the left hook. Think you can chow down then dance away from repeated body punches? Good luck with that, Punch Idiot.

Can you eat? Can you fight? Can you do both reasonably well? Then welcome to Knuckle Sandwich.

Inaugural Championship Divisions

- Hot Pastrami with Spicy Mustard (Knuckle Sandwich Classic)

- Nashville Hot Chicken (Knuckle Sandwich Diablo)

- Chicken Tinga Tortas (Bocadillo Nudillo)

- Lettuce Wraps (Gluten Free Knuckle Sandwich)

- Battle for the Galaxy (1 LB Astronaut Ice Cream, Ring is a Trampoline)

- 6' Party Sub (Knuckle Sandwich, Heavyweight Division)

- Endless Pieogi Hell (Golonka Kanapkę)

- Knucklopoulous Sandwichipillos (Gyro Brawl)

Names will be made. Legends will be forged. As intense as MMA, but without all the  sweaty wrestling and sexually confused man-boy fans. A thousand years from now, when Mike Trout is naught but a set of bones in the Space Smithsonian, the Sultans of Mars will wildly throw their Mars Dollars at the greatest eating and hitting and eating-hitting champions the solar system has to offer. Torbog Ricketts IX will finally hire TheoBot 9000 to rebuild the proud MarsCago Fighting Stable to the glories of the past. Past, present, and future will all rush to claim glory in a sport built for the screaming rush toward dominance that is the heart of mankind. And you were here to witness its birth.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a ham-laden Kathy Bates. Make way for Knuckle Sandwich!

TMS Late Night: Update - So Far, So Good Game of Thrones

Back in April, I posted my top 5 GOT characters we haven't heard from in a while. So far so good!

5. That Guy Who Couldn't Die - Just saw him this week. Looks like he still can't die.

4. Edmure Tully - Alive and semi-well. He has a baby he's never seen, which is by far the best kind of baby.

3. Daario Naharis - You see GOT reddit, this was a joke. Are you familiar with the concept? They did a really poor job recasting him, so it was almost like Daario went away and was replaced by his distant cousin Waario. Anyway, we actually haven't heard from Daario in a couple weeks now, which is for the best since he's one of my "Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters That Should Go Away For A While."

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) - STILL MISSING

1. Rickon - Ramsay's new toy. Now he won't be able to father a child to carry on the Stark name either!

WHERE ARE YOU?

So You Don't Have To: Arby's Gyro

Earlier this week, Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan requested that someone in the TMS crew eat an Arby's Gyro. Never one to back down from an "eat this weird thing" food challenge (seriously Ben, I will get to your pizza request), I stepped up to the plate. I thought I was prepared for this, but I forgot it was Arby's. Those sons of bitches always have a SHOCKING TWIST up their sleeve.

I figure the easiest way to do this is to do this is to take their own description of the gyro and just go through point by point:

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s. Our classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita.

Way to set the bar high Arby's. It's like I'm already in Athens, only with less fascism, smog, and crippling unemployment. Before I begin though, I feel obligated to let you know there was a guy with a Make America Great Again hat eating there...because of course there was. Let's go!

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

I do consider myself an adventurous eater in that I'll try pretty much any food I find at least once, but this is a god damn Arby's. There's only one of them in every shitty town on the interstate in this country. That doesn't require a lot of adventure. As far as being interesting, well probably at one point maybe I was but I'm in my mid thirties now and just marching towards my inevitable doom like the rest of you slobs. To prove it, I just had lunch at Arby's.

Our classic thinly sliced roast beef...

Well yes. This certainly is Arby's thinly sliced roast beef on a gyro. If you're one of those "no red meat" people (eyeroll), they have a turkey option for you! AUTHENTICITY

...is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes...

Shredded iceberg lettuce to entice Bud Norris, raw red onions because those are always a hit, and the same never quite ripe slices of tomatoes you've come to expect from a fast food sandwich.

...cool creamy tzatziki sauce...

Alright. Let's linger here for a minute. Like with any food, there are varying degrees of quality to tzatziki sauce. Some are well seasoned and perfectly compliment the sandwich, while others taste like someone put mayo and cucumber in a blender. This is neither. It exists somewhere on its own plane. There isn't much of it on the sandwich, which is for the best because it's runny like my poop is sure to be after this digests and tastes like they may have just watered down some ranch dressing they had on hand.

...and authentic Greek seasonings...

Authentic Greek seasonings = a light dusting of some parsley and salt mixture.

...all hugged by a warm pita.

I think we can all agree hugged is a weird verb choice there. We've all experienced one and I don't think any of us thought of pita bread. As far as the quality of the pita, this particular Arby's used to be a Taco Bell and the pita bread may just be leftover gordita bread they found when they moved in.

How does it all come together? Strangely. The "tzatziki" and pita bread combine to somehow make the sandwich taste like it has cheese on it even though there isn't any. So imagine how unpleasant and weird a gyro with cheese might taste and then remember there is no actual cheese on it. The roast beef as gyro meat was just lumped on there in the same half-assed way they lump it on their regular sandwiches and every bit as unsatisfying. By the end, I was contemplating dousing the thing in Arby's Sauce so I could get to the end, but I powered through. I don't ever want to eat this thing again and I will curse Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan for the rest of my life.

Final Grade: F

Thank god Pepos' internet got shut off so he doesn't have to see this abomination.

Are You Ready To Get Gisted?

Hey look, a post! Cubs went 7-1 since you last got gisted.

WHAT SAY YOU CHONG LI?