TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

War Criminal: This God Damn Popup

No, I don't want to give feedback. No one ever wants to give you feedback. The fact that I have a popup blocker and ad blocker should have told you that. Go the fuck away already.

The Gist: GUHHHHHHHH

We can all agree that last night's Cubs game was the worst game of the season, right? I'm actually glad that there was such a long rain delay. Even though I slept through a dramatic comeback by the home team, I also slept through the awful "nope, looks like we don't got this" pitching in the 9th and 11th innings.

I'm going to be honest with you - the Cubs aren't playing good baseball right now. But it's tough to put your finger on exactly what it is. Sometimes the offense just disappears, especially against what looks like a favorable matchup on paper. Sometimes the starting pitching isn't great. Sometimes the bullpen suuuuuuucks. Even in the games they lose, the Cubs usually seem to do 2 of those 3 things right, and can you really ask for more than that?

Two and a half weeks ago, we still had that world beater spirit. The Cubs were 47-20 and we just finished sweeping the Pirates in Chicago. The Cubs have gone 5-13 since then and have now lost 7 of their last 8 games. Can you imagine if this team had started the year going 5-13 out of the gate? Chicago's north side would have burned itself down. But take that same stretch of games and plunk it in at the end of the first half and it's a lot easier to swallow. And like I pointed out earlier this week, it's not like all these losses are coming against awful teams. Sure, the Reds are kind of awful and the Braves are definitely awful, but the Cubs have also played 11 of the last 18 games against the pretty decent Cardinals/Marlins/Mets too, so we should cut them a little slack.

Not everything is perfect in Cubsland though. Here are the 3 biggest red flags going into the All-Star break:

1. Someone Needs To Sex Fowler: Remember when Bruce Levine tweeted out that 'Sex Fowler' was out with a sore heel in May? We all had a good chuckle at his supposed typo, but maybe he stumbled onto a darker secret, that the entire Cubs offense runs on someone being available to sex Fowler. Maybe it's in his contract? Either way, I'm glad that he's going to aim to be back after the ASB because we really need some Sex Fowler at the top of the lineup again.

2. Arrieta Needs To Get His Walks Together: Get them all together. So they're together. And if you need to take them somewhere, take them to the walk store. Or the walk museum. Put all your walks in a backpack if you need to. Just get them together.

Honestly though, Jake Arrieta is a competitor and you know he's doing everything he can to figure out this semi-slump he's been in lately which also happens to be one of the most difficult jobs in all of sports. But if I could just take off my psychiatrist hat and put on my pitching coach jowls, I have a suggestion that might turn Jake's season back around. That Clayton Kershaw is really good, so one thing Jake could do is study exactly what it is that Clayton Kershaw does and then just go do that exact same thing. Seems pretty simple, right?

3. This Bullpen: For me personally, I think the bullpen's performance in last year's NLDS made me view them through rose tinted glasses for too much of this year. I mean all these dudes did against the Cardinals in the playoffs last year was get big outs. And yeah, Cahill has kept at least a little of that magic going this season, Clayton Richard is Who We Thought He Is, Neil Ramirez died in a fire and GRIMMHOLE is still lurking. Always lurking.

Fortunately, bullpen arms are pretty easy to come by come trade deadline time, so hopefully the Cubs can stock up.

And you know what? That's a whole lot of complaining from me about a team that is up by EIGHT GAMES and has one of the best records in baseball. So here are a few things to keep in mind and get you right back from being an angry drunk to that sweet spot of being a violently mischievous drunk.

Rondon Blew The Save And That's OK: Blown saves feel bad. Blown saves to terrible teams feel worse. Blown saves to terrible teams that you just made an improbable comeback against in the bottom of the 8th are juuuuust about as bad as they get. So yes, last night's blown save was sooooo bad to watch, but it's just another save. If Rondon would have blown one of the games of the sweep against the Pirates (WHICH ONE???) but nailed down last night, we'd still have the same end result. It would hurt a lot less, but would still be the same result.

We Got A Little Spoiled: Remember when the Cubs had awesome and timely hitting, awesome and timely pitching and awesome and effective bullpen work? All at the same time? Do you remember that the Cubs pulled that off for about 2 and a half months? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? Like I said, when it comes to offense/starting pitching/relief pitching, even the best teams can usually do just 2 out of 3. The Cubs are still the team that made a mockery of the rest of the NL for most of the first half. Here's hoping they can come out of the break hungry and destroying worlds again.

We're Still Pretty Great At Everything: Even with their recent slump, the Cubs are second in the majors in runs scored, second in OBP, first in ERA, first in starting rotation ERA and a decent 9th in defensive runs saved. And they've been without Jorge Soler and Dexter Fowler and MIGMON for extended periods of time. And they've needed 2 players from AAA to step in and contribute immediately. And they've lost Kyle Schwarber for the entire season.

Still 8 games up, still selling fake doors. It may not be 2015 anymore, but #wearegood is still accurate.

Tom Clancy Had A Better Division: The Pirates have been red hot recently and are still 8 games back. And it seems like to make any kind of move in the second half they're going to have to count on heavy contributions from two rookies with injury history, one of whom is currently hurt.

The Cardinals are so insecure about the Cubs success that even in his Make A Wish dream world scenario, Matt Carpenter still said he saw the Cardinals about 4 games back of the Cubs at the break and that would be "exactly where they want to be". Uhh...I thought that NOT TRAILING is where you want to be. Right? Isn't that how it works? Anyway, Matt Carpenter isn't going to play again until September because of karma and I couldn't be happier!

Oh, Yeah...: Not sure if you heard this or not, but the entire NL starting infield for the All Star Game is made up of Cubs, two of whom started last season in AAA, one of which is my frontrunner for NL MVP.

Cubs Fans: Reasons Not To Drink Bleach

Ugh, well that was certainly a week worth forgetting.

Oh yeah, we're still a thing around here. Longtime readers of this site will know that sometimes, without warning or much reason, things will sort of go quiet around here. I've been on a break because I was getting married, or at least that seemed like the valid excuse for the first week or two. I don't know what everyone else was up to, with everyone yelling about Shia LahBoof and sandwichboxing. That's what we bring to the table that most Cubs sites don't: unbridled ridiculousness.

(And again, if you didn't read Shooter's piece last week about the new Sport Of Kings, do so right now and then come back and listen to me spout my garbage)

Once you get out of your rhythm when it comes to writing this stuff, it's sometimes hard to get back into it. It takes something really powerful to jolt you back to life and get those words flowing again.

And that powerful thing was the stench coming from the giant turd that the Cubs laid last week.

Swept by the Cardinals at Wrigley? Gross.

Lose 3 of 4 to the Marlins? Pungent.

Maybe it's because we've been on an extended honeymoon phase with this team for almost three months - a honeymoon that keeps going past its expected lifespan by reviving itself with the occasional home sweep of the Nationals or Pirates - but some people seem to be losing their shit.

Yeah, it wasn't a great week, but let's all calm down and remember that even really good teams only win 60% of their games because baseball is the most fickle, luck-affected major sport. Seriously...BABIP is a stat that exists to tell us what players are statistically lucky/unlucky. WE HAVE CALCULATED OUT AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT WITH MATH.

Listen, just have a few drinks and relax, man. Go take a sauna. Get drunk and fight your brother. Do whatever you gotta do to get you back in a calm mindset. Every team struggles, even the great ones. It's not time to jump off the roof just yet. Here are some reasons to definitely not kill yourself:

It's Not Like We Lost To Nobodies:
If you're anything like me, it seems like the thorn in the side of this year's Cubs team has been, to be honest, awful teams. For a team playing as well as the Cubs have been so far this season, they certainly have lost their fair share of games to the Padres/Braves/Brewers/Rockies of the world. But guess what? That wasn't the case this week. Both the Cardinals and the Marlins are playing quite well as of late, after slow starts for both teams. If the season ended today, the Marlins would be the second Wild Card team, with the Cards just a game behind them. So it's not like that one week where we lost a bunch of games to the Padres.

The Cubs Didn't Even Look That Bad:
A lot of the games last week were actually pretty close. At least, until the bullpen got involved. They looked bad. I'm super glad that the Cubs have been rumored to be looking for bullpen help, and sooner rather than later, because the bullpen has been suuuuper shaky lately.

The Youth Movement Has Been As Advertised:
Jorge Soler is hurt. Dexter Fowler is hurt. Rizzo and Zobrist are banged up. Those are some big names to not have in a lineup. For a look at how bad a team can struggle if 2-3 players from their AAA team are forced into the lineup, look no further than the Royals. But the Cubs have been able to plug the leaks spectacularly, partially because Baez and Bryant have been able to move all around the diamond, and partially because Almora Jr and Contreras have been as good as advertised. I know it's a small sample size and all so far, but Almora has been great with the glove and just good enough with the bat and Contreras looks like he has the potential to give the Cubs back some of that offense they lost when Schwarber hurt his knee. And if Fowler moves on after this year, Almora can take over in CF while Contreras can split time between C/1B/LF to spell MIGMON and Schwarber next year.

Remember Our Division:
I think the Cubs have beat up on the Pirates enough to lump them in with the Reds and the Brewers in the "We should look forward to these games because the Cubs have a really good chance of winning". The Cubs have 35 games left against the Pirates and Brewers and Reds and have 6 more against the A's and Padres, which comes out to 41 games that you would hope the Cubs could play at least .630 ball against those games. That would be 26-15 ideally and put the Cubs 74-41, meaning they could go .500 against the rest of the teams on the schedule and finish with 98 wins.

Heyward Still Isn't Hitting:
He's gotta come around at some point, right?

Right?

The Cubs still have the best record in baseball (tied!) and are 22 games over .500 with a nine game lead on the second place Cardinals. We're fine.

Introducing Knuckle Sandwich: The New Sport of Kings

The beating heart of human achievement, no matter what the field, depends on continually pushing boundaries. Can a man hit 71 homers? What is the human stomach's capacity for hot dogs? How can a physicist ... do good physics thing?

What if I told you that TMS bartender Rich and I have rolled all the greatest physical, mental, and emotional challenges from those fields into one special custom maki roll of pure iron will? Surely it would be the greatest sport of all time. And so it is. BEHOLD!

The skyscraper of the human mind that is Knuckle Sandwich is based upon twin pillars of undeniable truth. To wit:

- Physical violence is a primal act that stirs the spirit and angries up the blood - the purest distillation of sport.

- Eating contests are the horrifying manifestation of man's darkest nature.

We've combined these things to forge a sport that plays to all regions of man's primordial Ape-Brain. It's the ultimate contest of gentlemanly fortitude. It begins with a challenge, one man to another. Twelve ounce boxing gloves, a standard ring, and the sandwich of the challenged duelist's choice.

"What's that?" you say. "A sandwich?" 

Yeah, man. 

The challenge is simple: 60 second rounds of boxing, followed by 30 second rounds of eating. To win:

- Finish the sandwich in full.

- Make your opponent throw up.

That's it. It's so simple - yet like chess, there are many branching paths to victory or defeat. The head is well padded, and gloves are 12 oz. So battering one's opponent about the head isn't the clearest path to victory. Yet focusing entirely on eating could leave one vulnerable to the vomitous power of the left hook. Think you can chow down then dance away from repeated body punches? Good luck with that, Punch Idiot.

Can you eat? Can you fight? Can you do both reasonably well? Then welcome to Knuckle Sandwich.

Inaugural Championship Divisions

- Hot Pastrami with Spicy Mustard (Knuckle Sandwich Classic)

- Nashville Hot Chicken (Knuckle Sandwich Diablo)

- Chicken Tinga Tortas (Bocadillo Nudillo)

- Lettuce Wraps (Gluten Free Knuckle Sandwich)

- Battle for the Galaxy (1 LB Astronaut Ice Cream, Ring is a Trampoline)

- 6' Party Sub (Knuckle Sandwich, Heavyweight Division)

- Endless Pieogi Hell (Golonka Kanapkę)

- Knucklopoulous Sandwichipillos (Gyro Brawl)

Names will be made. Legends will be forged. As intense as MMA, but without all the  sweaty wrestling and sexually confused man-boy fans. A thousand years from now, when Mike Trout is naught but a set of bones in the Space Smithsonian, the Sultans of Mars will wildly throw their Mars Dollars at the greatest eating and hitting and eating-hitting champions the solar system has to offer. Torbog Ricketts IX will finally hire TheoBot 9000 to rebuild the proud MarsCago Fighting Stable to the glories of the past. Past, present, and future will all rush to claim glory in a sport built for the screaming rush toward dominance that is the heart of mankind. And you were here to witness its birth.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a ham-laden Kathy Bates. Make way for Knuckle Sandwich!

TMS Late Night: Update - So Far, So Good Game of Thrones

Back in April, I posted my top 5 GOT characters we haven't heard from in a while. So far so good!

5. That Guy Who Couldn't Die - Just saw him this week. Looks like he still can't die.

4. Edmure Tully - Alive and semi-well. He has a baby he's never seen, which is by far the best kind of baby.

3. Daario Naharis - You see GOT reddit, this was a joke. Are you familiar with the concept? They did a really poor job recasting him, so it was almost like Daario went away and was replaced by his distant cousin Waario. Anyway, we actually haven't heard from Daario in a couple weeks now, which is for the best since he's one of my "Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters That Should Go Away For A While."

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) - STILL MISSING

1. Rickon - Ramsay's new toy. Now he won't be able to father a child to carry on the Stark name either!

WHERE ARE YOU?

So You Don't Have To: Arby's Gyro

Earlier this week, Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan requested that someone in the TMS crew eat an Arby's Gyro. Never one to back down from an "eat this weird thing" food challenge (seriously Ben, I will get to your pizza request), I stepped up to the plate. I thought I was prepared for this, but I forgot it was Arby's. Those sons of bitches always have a SHOCKING TWIST up their sleeve.

I figure the easiest way to do this is to do this is to take their own description of the gyro and just go through point by point:

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s. Our classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita.

Way to set the bar high Arby's. It's like I'm already in Athens, only with less fascism, smog, and crippling unemployment. Before I begin though, I feel obligated to let you know there was a guy with a Make America Great Again hat eating there...because of course there was. Let's go!

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

I do consider myself an adventurous eater in that I'll try pretty much any food I find at least once, but this is a god damn Arby's. There's only one of them in every shitty town on the interstate in this country. That doesn't require a lot of adventure. As far as being interesting, well probably at one point maybe I was but I'm in my mid thirties now and just marching towards my inevitable doom like the rest of you slobs. To prove it, I just had lunch at Arby's.

Our classic thinly sliced roast beef...

Well yes. This certainly is Arby's thinly sliced roast beef on a gyro. If you're one of those "no red meat" people (eyeroll), they have a turkey option for you! AUTHENTICITY

...is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes...

Shredded iceberg lettuce to entice Bud Norris, raw red onions because those are always a hit, and the same never quite ripe slices of tomatoes you've come to expect from a fast food sandwich.

...cool creamy tzatziki sauce...

Alright. Let's linger here for a minute. Like with any food, there are varying degrees of quality to tzatziki sauce. Some are well seasoned and perfectly compliment the sandwich, while others taste like someone put mayo and cucumber in a blender. This is neither. It exists somewhere on its own plane. There isn't much of it on the sandwich, which is for the best because it's runny like my poop is sure to be after this digests and tastes like they may have just watered down some ranch dressing they had on hand.

...and authentic Greek seasonings...

Authentic Greek seasonings = a light dusting of some parsley and salt mixture.

...all hugged by a warm pita.

I think we can all agree hugged is a weird verb choice there. We've all experienced one and I don't think any of us thought of pita bread. As far as the quality of the pita, this particular Arby's used to be a Taco Bell and the pita bread may just be leftover gordita bread they found when they moved in.

How does it all come together? Strangely. The "tzatziki" and pita bread combine to somehow make the sandwich taste like it has cheese on it even though there isn't any. So imagine how unpleasant and weird a gyro with cheese might taste and then remember there is no actual cheese on it. The roast beef as gyro meat was just lumped on there in the same half-assed way they lump it on their regular sandwiches and every bit as unsatisfying. By the end, I was contemplating dousing the thing in Arby's Sauce so I could get to the end, but I powered through. I don't ever want to eat this thing again and I will curse Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan for the rest of my life.

Final Grade: F

Thank god Pepos' internet got shut off so he doesn't have to see this abomination.

Are You Ready To Get Gisted?

Hey look, a post! Cubs went 7-1 since you last got gisted.

WHAT SAY YOU CHONG LI?

War Criminal Update: Shia LaBeouf Still At Large

Back in 2007, this guy named Shia LaBeouf came on my radar. As you can see, I instinctively knew he was a terrible human being, guilty of multiple war crimes.

Holy shit did I underestimate how bad he was.

When I wrote that 9 years ago, LaBeouf was a mere Idi Amin. Since then he's turned into a full blown Josef Stalin, brutalizing the world with his "art."

He came up again because he's decided to hitchhike across America as some sort of performance art/pogrom. It might be sort of clever I guess had John Waters not done the exact same thing just last year.

What else has he been up to since we last checked in? Here's a sampling:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm an apologist for this movie and will argue until the day I die it's better than the now virtually unwatchable Temple of Doom, but man, he makes that a tough sell. The low point of Indiana Jones is when he swings on vines with some monkeys. I don't even remember why. I just see owls now.

Whatever the fuck this is.

He wore a bag to the Berlin Film Festival. Seriously. Look at that fucking thing.

He sat in a theater for six days, for you know, art or something, and let people come see him. One lady molested him. Good for her.

He paid for #StopCreating and #StartCreating skywriting over LA - because if there's one thing LA needs it's more shit in the air. Maybe next time he can create a traffic jam.

BTW, those last three things may all have been plagiarized to some degree.

We need to stay vigilant people. How can a criminal like this walk free for years? Even Roman Polanski has to hide out in Europe and all he did was drug a teenage girl and...uh, well never mind that I guess. Anyway, we all need to do as the state security apparatus suggests and say something if we see something. Did you see Nymphomaniac? Call DHS. Immediately. If you're a spoiled Hollywood douche canoe, you can even call it art!

The Gist - The Bats Awaken, Beat Cards

Rich is off to go get married or some shit. So you're stuck with me recapping what happened this past series. Expect 50% less effort, and 150% more cursing. Here we go!

What Happened: We won a fucking series again is what happened. Taking two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis was a nice way to cap off a rather disappointing road trip. We went into a slump and yet we maintained the best record in baseball during the down period. I think we'll be fine.

After losing a heartbreaker Monday on a walk-off home run from noted trailer trash Randal Grichuk, the Cubs proceeded to curbstomp the Cardinals on Tuesday 12-3. They followed that up with a 9-8 squeaker on Wednesday. It appears the hot summer weather has heated the bats up again and they were certainly a welcome sight, especially on Wednesday when Arrieta was knocked around for four earned runs. Do you even remember the last time Jake gave up 4 earned runs in a regular season contest? Yeah I didn't either. Turns out it was June 16th last year. Now that he's got that out of the way I'm sure we'll have another 11 months before it happens again, right?

Series MVP: Pat Hughes and Ron Coomer. They're really in midseason form calling games. And we also learned a little about Shakespeare and Socrates as well!

Series LVP: Tommy LaStella. I don't care what you do, you'll never win my approval you son of a bitch.

Read This: If you don't read Deadspin much you may be missing out on these gems. They've been chronicling every Cardinal loss this season with a recap. It's the perfect satisfying little read for every person that reviles St. Louis, which unless you're a Cardinals fan I assume is everyone on the planet. Fuck this team.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):


Cubs begin a weekend series at home tomorrow against the Philadelphia Phillies. And before you go underestimating them as NL East doormats, go check the standings real quick. Yeah... They're 26-21 and only two games back of the Nats. This isn't a team to take lightly and their young pitching has proven to be quite tough. Their offense however can easily be squashed. The team's run differential right now is -31, which is the same as the Houston Astros. Stats are fun.

Here's to a three game sweep this weekend and a happy wedding for Rich and the poor lady that agreed to marry that shithead.

The Gist: Cubs 2, Brewers 1

What Happened: I fell asleep some time after the 11th inning. But apparently the Cubs won. Hooray! According to my phone, it happened on a...bases loaded Travis Wood walk? HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the most Milwaukee way to lose a game in the history of Milwaukee losing games (it's a long history)! AND the Brewers loaded the bases with 0 outs and didn't get anything out of it? This is PEAK BREWERS.

Game MVP: Today's award was all ready to go to David Ross for gunning down a thousand (seriously, look it up) Brewers on the basepaths last night, but I gotta give at least a share of the award to Travis Wood who not only came into a bases loaded, 0 out game, but escaped without giving up a run. That's the equivalent of picking up a 7/10 split in bowling. And to top it off, he drew a bases loaded walk to score the go-ahead run in the top of the 13th. I'm as far from being a major league pitcher than anyone, but I gotta believe that with the bases loaded and a pitcher at the dish, on a full count you would be like "Well, I should probably make sure to get this one over the plate and see what happens!"

Nope! Cubs win!

Game LVP: I can't quite say that I disagree with a lot of what Joe Maddon does, but he does have an annoying habit of taking players out of the game when I don't think he has to. He pinch ran Baez for Rizzo in the 9th inning. Yes, Baez is faster than Rizzo, but Rizzo is a great baserunner for a man his size and in the end Baez's speed wasn't even a factor. Then again, Joe Maddon is being paid more than I'll ever make to decide those things, so who am I to criticize?

So About Those Cubs Bats...: Let's address the elephant in the room: the Cubs have been completely shut down over the last 2 days by Chase Anderson and Jimmy Nelson, who are not what anyone would call "solid". I think that part of it is that both of them pitched really well. The Cubs haven't looked bad necessarily, and I do think that Anderson and Nelson pitched at about the best of their abilities. Hey, even the hottest teams cool off and have a stinker every once in a while.

One thing that I think is contributing to the Cubs Offensive Funk of May 2016 is Dexter Fowler. When he was smoking hot during April, the Cubs offense followed suit. Hell, the hashtag #YouGoWeGo was created for that very reason. But what we all need to keep in mind is that Fowler has always been a suuuuuuper streaky player, so to see him cool off a bit in May isn't too much of a surprise. Look at his monthly OBP splits from last year:

April: .372
May: .293
June: .286
July: .411
August: .408
September: .293

Six months...three over .370 OBP, three under .300. Remember going into the playoffs last year when there was talk of benching Fowler in September? I think what you're seeing now is what the Cubs offense might have looked like those first few weeks in April when Bryant/Rizzo/Zobrist were ice cold if Dexter hadn't been playing out of his mind.

It doesn't mean that the Cubs aren't still the best lineup in baseball, because I firmly believe that they are. I'm just saying that we have to remember stretches like this happen, and when your leadoff guy cools off, it makes it tough on the whole lineup. And it also doesn't help that our #2 hitter is almost non-existent on the offensive end.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs try to take the series from the Brewers at 12:40 CST with Jason "Great Before July" Hammel going against Javy "Who?" Guerra. It would be great for the Cubs to finally flex the pecs against the Brewers and put up 5-6 runs like we're used to because we've been spoiled so far this season.

Cubs vs. Brewers Preview

This is what happens when you do a Google image search for "Jimmy Nelson"

The Weekend Gist: Pirates Edition

What Happened: The Cubs continued to put the hurting on the Pirates. I know that we all wanted to see the sweep at Wrigley, but that's just greed. If you would have asked any Cubs fan before the season started if they would be happy going 4-2 against the Pirates over the first 6 matchups with the Cubs and I bet all of them would gladly take it, so the fact that the Cubs are 5-1 against Pittsburgh in mid-May is just gravy. And hell, the Cubs almost won Sunday's game too!

What Looked Good: Did you see Jake Arrieta on Saturday? He was vintage (and by that, I mean 2015) Arrieta. And I know it's hard to complain about a guy that hasn't had an ERA over two in like, a year and a half and also threw two no-hitters over that time, but for the last handful of starts, Arrieta hadn't looked like the invincible world-buster we've come to know and love. His control seemed off. He didn't seem like he was striking out as many guys on a whim like he did last year. But after a rough 4th inning when he gave up 2 ER (THE HORROR!), Arrieta seemed to get locked in the same way he got locked in during his historic second half last year and absolutely mowed down the Pirates.

Also Looking Good: Don't look now, but Jason Heyward has a .409 OBP over the last two weeks and looks like he's actually driving the ball a lot better than he was during April. I feel like he's going to be due for what Zobrist did a few weeks ago, where after the pressure of his first Cubs home run is off, he'll relax a bit more and go on some kind of tear. As Fowler cools off (and he should because his April was absolutely unsustainable), Heyward will be a big key in how the Cubs lineup functions over the next few weeks.

TMS Cock of the Week: That would be Gerrit Cole of the Pirates, having this to say after shutting down the Cubs on Sunday:

Gerrit Cole on the Cubs: "I don't really think they're the best team in baseball."

— Travis Sawchik (@Sawchik_Trib) May 15, 2016

Look, I know that sometimes players think it's a good idea to always think of their own team as the best team in baseball and I understand that to a certain extent. But 2 caveats:

1. The Cubs are, in juuust about every single measurement, absolutely the best team in baseball. When you start talking about historic starts to a season, which the Cubs have had, you gotta give them that title until you knock them off. Had the Pirates even taken 2 out of 3 from the Cubs, maybe Cole can get away with that. But they didn't. And in the 5 games the Cubs have won against the Pirates this year, none of them were even particularly close.

2. Notice that Cole waited to say that he didn't think the Cubs are the best team in baseball until after he had a good start against them. Meaning he didn't have the balls to say that when the Cubs bitchslapped him for 6 runs in less than 5 innings the week prior.

What a cock. Congrats, Gerrit! You're the Cock of the Week!

The Chicago Tribune has a good piece on what Cole's comments say about the Cubs being in the Pirates heads. Go read it here.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs hit lots of home runs. The Brewers give up a lot of home runs. Miller Park is a ballpark that favors the home run. Expect the Cubs to hit all the home runs over the next 3 games in Milwaukee. The Cubs and Brewers kick off a series at 7:10 CST tonight with Kyle Hendricks facing former Diamondback and current human garbage Chase Anderson.