What Did Slowhand Ever Do To You?

"I'll say it: the wrong Clapton fell out of that apartment window." - TMS Email Thread Archives

Sure, many times we make bold and shocking statements on the email thread, so I'll forgive this crazy statement from a fellow bartender who shall remain anonymous. But the seed is there. For whatever reason, people don't like Eric Clapton. I don’t get it. Did he kick your dog? Did he cost Chicago the Olympic Games? Did he take your mom out for a seafood dinner and then never call her again?

Seriously, what is it?

It’s clearly not his musicianship. Aside from his solo career, just look at the bands he’s been in: The Yardbirds, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers, Cream, Blind Faith, Delaney and Bonnie, Derek & The Dominos. That’s a friggin’ Murderer’s Row, brah. And yes, all of those bands had other talented musicians, but Clapton was the centerpiece and what drove the bands. Yes, the whole “Clapton is God” graffiti was a bit much, but that’s no fault of Clapton’s.

Clapton has always said that he is first and will always be a blues guitarist. Like many others of his time, he developed his style by studying and then adapting his style after black American bluesmen. Guys like Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, BB, Freddie, and Albert King, Robert Johnson, Elmore James have all unquestionably been brought to a greater audience by way of Clapton. Some of these heroes even ended up touring with Clapton.

Clapton is also no one-trick pony. Not only does he have the blues sound, he’s also dabbled in country (Lay Down Sally, Hello Old Friend), reggae (I Shot The Sherriff, Swing Low Sweet Chariot), where he helped introduce the world to a little-known artist named Bob Marley, early hard rock (Sunshine of Your Love, White Room), acoustic (The Unplugged Album), pop (My Father’s Eyes, Change The World), and love songs (Layla, Wonderful Tonight). As easy as it would be for him to rest on his laurels and keep churning out the same album over and over, he takes the risk and the challenge of trying something new. You have to give the guy credit.

Much has been made of his drug use. Find me a music star that doesn’t have that problem. Clapton chose to focus his efforts and struggles at sobriety into helping others by way of his treatment center, Crossroads. Through Crossroads Centre, he’s helped many people cope and overcome addiction since the centre’s inception in 1998. Clapton has also organized and performed at many benefit concerts for causes like political unrest in Bangladesh, Tsunami victims and survivors, Special Olympics, Amnesty International, and others.

So there you have it. Yeah, the guy is way overrated and a dick. If you’re gonna hate because you think he’s over-saturated the industry, maybe head over to Bitchfork Media and find yourself a nice, pretentious spoken word album, because who wants to like music that anyone else enjoys?

TMS Ombudsman

"The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." -- Oscar Wilde

Any reader of Thunder Matt's Saloon, if they so choose, can find an article or joke that offends their better sensibilities. The blogosphere is, after all, a mish-mash of controversial and unresearched opinion and poor attempts at humor. TMS is no exception. That being said, the TMS staff (and this Ombudsman) believes that it's readership is of a mature enough stature that they will turn a blind eye to the worst of these transgressions. Even so, there is little room at TMS for blatant obscenity, be it graphic or written in nature. Offending authors could be pointed out, shunned in the comments, and otherwise mocked and ridiculed by readers. But what if there is a contradiction within the realm of vulgarity? Specifically, what does it say when a writer contradicts his own moral high ground? Does self-contradiction imply heightened intelligence, as Oscar Wilde might have us believe? Or is one who contradicts himself simply lazy and foolish, inattentive to his own detail and message?

These questions were recently brought to light concerning contradictory means of censorship by different staffers. The first concerns a piece titled "On the Bright Side of Things", penned by Surrounded By Communists. SBC, as we will call him, chose to alter the term "fuck-up" in his opening sentence, replacing it with the awkward "f&ck up". Listen, we're all adults here. When used properly, the word "fuck" can effectively shoulders a great burden, conveying emotions that cleaner synonyms cannot. Despite this attention to self-censorship, SBC proceeds to caption his first photo in the article by employing the word "asshole". So one is fine, but not the other?

TMS is not being hounded by the FCC. There is no magical hour of the night that demarcates a line between the use of clean and foul language. TMS is written for a mature audience. The prevalence of "fuck" and "asshole" throughout the Internet and other forms of mass media has truly desensitized their impact for the majority of Western society. There should be little reason to hesitate in using them, as long as they help in maximizing effect and are not directed toward individuals in a hateful, irresponsible manner. Consistency in this respect should be maintained amongst TMS staff. Contradiction of this rule, particularly by one author in the same post, should be avoided. If nothing else, such resolve by the author precipitates a level of trust and understanding between writer and reader; a bind that is essential for continued growth in an often-overwhelming sea of sports and entertainment blogs.

While conviction in prose is most admirable, vigilance should be maintained at all times when it comes to visual content. On Monday, staff writer Arcturus posted a photo which most would consider questionable in taste, and certainly unsafe for the work environment (and let's be honest, most TMS readers peruse the site while at work). Though Arcturus seemingly made an attempt at obscuring the most private parts of "Ms. Phoenix Ray", there is clearly a nipple slipping through on the left breast. Discretion being the better part of valor, this picture and post should have come with a clear warning, possibly with a link to the photo instead of having it embedded in the article. Pictures do, after all, say a thousand words (and scar a thousand minds).

Make no mistake: words and pictures are held to different standards. Expletives are palatable when given context, whereas pictures draw the eyes and can bypass context entirely. There is no contradiction in saying that one is favorable over the other.

Or is there?

Editor's Note: Surrounded By Communists was recently dismissed for this and other infractions deemed detrimental to the integrity of TMS. The other infractions involved a fraternity house and a broomstick.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 60 Hits, but a Whole Lotta Heart

Well kids, it's time to bid adieu to the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society for 2009. As you know, for every hit Koyie Hill delivered in 2009, I removed a section from this picture:

Koyie finishes the year with 60 hits and a .237 average in 83 games. Let's face it, Koyie isn't going to be remembered for his offensive output, but for the stretch of consecutive games he caught while Geo Soto was being weaned off pot and Ho-Hos mid-season. Koyie may not be an offensive juggernaut, but at least he ain't Paul Bako. Or Michael Barret. Or Rob Bowen.

Koyie may not have tallied enough hits to completely clear the board, but I would certainly not deprive those of you who have been following the KHAS posts all season of the chance to see the picture behind the picture. Meet Ms. Phoenix Ray:

Editor's Note: Photo has been removed from this post. To see the still not quite SFW version click here.

There are no more Koyie Hill fast facts for the year, save that Koyie Hill is one bad mother. Maybe I'm just old school, but Hill reminded me of the days when the catcher didn't have to hit to be a valuable member of the team. As long as you called a good game, blocked the balls in the dirt, and held down the running game, you could be considered a successful catcher. Anything you did with the bat was gravy.

So here's to you, Koyie Hill, a man out of time. If this were the 1980s, you might be the #1 ranked catcher in the big leagues right now. Thanks for being the hardest working backup catcher in the majors. Ice those knees and drink a cold one on the Saloon.

Thank You Interns

The MLB regular season ends tomorrow and as such so does the TMS summer internship program for 2009. I just wanted to thank our 3 interns for a job well done picking up the slack and writing for us because we're too lazy to do so. You truly are enablers of our underachieving sloth lifestyle.

Here are my favorite posts from each of the interns this summer.

Surrounded by Communists - In Defense of Child Labor. The "In Defense of..." series are probably the most difficult posts to tackle at TMS and SbC nailed this one perfectly. So much so I've been scouring the black market for some eager-bodied Guatemalan children to do the "Charlie-work" here at the saloon.



Ginger Russ - Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part 1 & Part 2. Ginger Russ has followed TMS almost from the beginning and early on he tapped into what our readers like to squabble about the most, overrated/underrated stuff and food. Be sure to check out Ginger Russ over at his Cubs blog College of Idiots this offseason where he'll continue his Top Ten: Top Ten Plays feature.

Adam Blank - How to Get Laid in 12 Easy Steps. Our resident unemployed alcoholic has graced us with a spectacular melange of booze, B-movies, and obscure punk albums, but his true moment of acceptance at the Saloon came with this horrifically brilliant guide to getting laid. Adam's little niche of esoterica has found a permanent home here at TMS as he has accepted a full-time bartender position with us. So expect the reviews of shitty vodka and odd horror/kung fu movies to continue.

Again, thanks so much to all three of you. And to our readers, be sure to keep an eye out next Spring as we may be searching for interns again in 2010.

Adventures in the Basic Cable Wasteland

Over the past week or so, my cranky back has rendered me almost completely sedentary. Unable to get comfortable on either of the living room couches, I've been forced to spend most of my days in the bedroom, where the TV (the same 19" I bought with my paper route money when I was 13) only gets channels up to 65. So without the digital box or its onscreen channel menu, I spent more time flipping through the channels looking for things to watch. I came across some things that I had no idea were even on TV (or why, for that matter). This is just part of what I've come across over the past week or so.

5. Rocky Marathon on Spike. Over the last week or so, I've become convinced that Spike only shows CSI reruns and Stallone movies, although I did see ads for Van Damme movies and some sort of UFC fight featuring a rather large gentleman named Kimbo Slice. However, during the day that I watched Spike as I segued in and out of a pain/drug induced haze (depending entirely on how recently I'd taken my pain killers) all I saw was Rocky. They apparently ran the first five Rocky movies back to back, which was just fine with me as I was only half paying attention. It all kind of seemed like one movie to me. Rocky collects money for a loan shark, romances a pet store clerk (in a special ed kind of way), gets a shot at the title, eats raw egg and runs a lot, punches meat, earns a draw with the flamboyant African-American champ who says there will be no rematch, and then changes his mind two minutes later. Rocky says no to the fight, gets married to the pet shop clerk, knocks up the pet shop clerk, spends a lot of money, goes to work in a meat plant, gets laid off from meat plant, agrees to rematch against pet shop clerk's wishes, pet shop clerk slips into coma after delivering a surprisingly healthy (and hairy) kid, and she wakes up just in time to tell Rocky to fight. Rocky must have won because next thing I know, he's fighting in an exhibition against Hulk Hogan before being savagely beaten by Mr. T. Then his old Jewish manager dies and the most uncomfortable grief scene in the history of movies follows as the Rock bellows like a wounded rhino while clutching the old man's body, then we're treated to the former champ stumbling through the Jewish funeral service. The flamboyant African-American former champ returns to train Rocky to beat Mr. T (yeah right) by turning him into an Italian jive turkey in some of the most homoerotic bromance sequences ever set to celluloid. But this somehow works because he's somehow champ again, now at ringside for the flamboyant African-American former champ who's fighting James Brown. No, scratch that, he's fighting He-Man, who must have lost a bet with his hairdresser. He-Man kills the guy from Predator, which pisses the Rock off. After training in the Russian snow, he becomes brain damaged and returns home to find he's lost all his money and owns nothing except the ballsweat smelling gym his dead Jewish trainer left him. I can only assume that the fight between Rocky and He-Man was called off because even the Russians didn't want to essentially beat up Corky from Life Goes On. Glastnost at its finest. Rocky, his now pretty, assertive wife, and his son move back to the old neighborhood in Philly, where we learn that the Rock's son has pretty much turned into a douche. So Rocky adopts some other dude and starts training him, only to be stabbed in the back when the guy signs with Don King. And then I don't know what the hell happened, because all of a sudden, Rocky's in some shit small town and is being hassled by the local fuzz, until he steals a motorcycle and rides off into the woods. Talk about confusing.

4. To Catch a Predator. I had heard of this show, but had never watched it. In agony Sunday night and unable to sleep, I had left the TV on MSNBC and this was what came on. First of all, I knew criminals were dumb, but I had no idea just how mentally retarded some of them really are. I ended up tossing and turning through two episodes of this show, in which about five criminals per show were lured to a remote house with the promise of sex with an underage girl they met on the internet. First of all, this show has been on the air for years. These guys are meeting chicks on the Internet. Do they not have a Facebook group or something where they might warn each other, "Hey, Dateline NBC has been running stings in cooperation with law enforcement. If you get an offer that looks too good to be true, it probably is. Watch out for chicks with laundry baskets and lemonade." After two hours of this crap, my faith in humanity was at an all time low. The next entry didn't help.

3. Parental Control on MTV. Shit, I pretty much stopped watching MTV after I graduated from college. I wasn't sure exactly why I stopped on this show, but I'm going to blame the drugs and the fact that the girl on the first show I watched had enormous boobs, which wasn't fair, because she distracted me. I think you know you're too old for MTV when you find yourself sympathizing with the parents of these girls who are dating these complete losers. If you've never seen the show, the parents each fix their daughter up with a guy and he takes them out on a date. At the end of the show, the girl decides if she will keep her current boyfriend or start dating one of the parent selected beaus. Great drama this is not. The kicker is that the parents and the current boyfriend sit together and watch the footage of the two dates. Talk about uncomfortable, try watching your girlfriend slip her tongue down some guy's throat while sitting on the couch next to her mother, who's egging her daughter on. In the two shows, I watched, the boyfriends were both total dicks. Both of them made fat jokes about the mothers. One of the guys made pussy jokes when the family cat wandered into the living room. TO HER PARENTS. I actually give these parents a lot of credit, because if I had a teenage daughter and if she were dating either of these two mega-douches, I wouldn't have gone to MTV to solve my problem. I would have just buried the body in the crawlspace with the others and been done with it. Big Boob Girl stayed with her boyfriend and her parents and I cried. The second chick was just as hot and a psych major to boot. Or a psycho. One of those. She was dating Mr. Pussy joke guy, who was wearing a dirty watch cap in the middle of summer, which is why I don't own a gun, because I would hunt people like him for sport. One of her dates takes her paintballing and fucking SHOOTS HER IN THE FACE, then gives her PB & J out of a cooler. Classy. Luckily, the other guy is a metrosexual musician who likes every single band that she does and she dumps Mr. Pussy for him. Mr. Pussy has a douchey meltdown before running outside to ride off in his, or should I say, on-his ten speed (No Pussy Wagon for you). While crying. I was too. Tears of joy for the psych major's parents. (Apparently, this show is fake, which I did NOT know while watching. I guess that makes me feel a little better. Maybe.)

2. We're Doomed. This is what I learned from the History Channel this past week. They must have run every Nostradamus related program they've produced over the past ten years the other day, including some new shit. Did you know that the world is ending in 2012 because the Mayan calender runs out? I didn't, but I sure do now. I also learned that Nostradamus predicted not one, not two, but three Antichrists. Some of the nuts, er, Nostradamus researchers believe that the world has already seen two of them, Napoleon and Hitler. They don't know who the third, more powerful one is, but obviously, he needs to surface soon as the clock is ticking here, people. The History Channel didn't name any names, but the images they showed were back views of a jug-eared person of indistinguishable color wearing a white dress shirt and dark dress pants speaking before a large, adoring crowd. Let's lock up Carlos Marmol, just to be safe.

1. And to end on a good note, PBS has been showing Ken Burns's latest documentary, The National Parks: America's Best Idea. If you haven't seen any of this documentary, then you're missing some good stuff. As always with Burns, the images are spectacular and the stories behind how some of these places came to be set aside are fascinating and compelling history. I enjoyed the second episode in particular, as my favorite President, Theodore Roosevelt, and his contributions to the national park system were explored. Don't miss it. It really is good stuff and thank Vinnie I was able to end my basic cable sojourn on a positive.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Eight

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

8. Goal from outside the penalty box (soccer).

As with hockey, soccer (or football as some foreigners call it) is rarely seen in America, so it's amazing plays lack the known difficulty factor that would push it higher up the list. But every once in a great while a soccer highlight will creep into the Top 10 Plays of the Day.

While most of the bartenders at the Saloon have a decent knowledge of the happenings in the soccer world (and by decent I mean they watch a couple games a year of the English Premier League and call themselves "fans"), I don't follow the sport at all. And it's not that I don't want to, but unfortunately most of soccer is about as exciting as watching the grass grow in my lawn, which is to say that I live in the desert and don't have a lawn, just dirt and rocks.

The odd thing is that I used to play soccer as a yute, my dad coached YMCA, and I would go see the local college team play every weekend. While NIU was not the elite of the NCAA soccer world, they did play higher level schools and for the most part they could hold their own. But as I grew older and stayed the same height while my peers were sprouting up around me, my dream of becoming the goalie for the Chicago Sting slowly faded, as with my interest in soccer. Like most Americans, my greatest memories of soccer take me back to kindergarten, running around in a crazed pack with 21 other rug rats while we all tried to just randomly kick a round ball. The highlight of the day of course was getting oranges and Capri Sun during half time and going to McDonald's afterwards for chicken nuggets and chocolate shakes.

But this post isn't just about me, it's about the Top 10. As I've explained, for the most part Americans think soccer is pretty boring. Unlike hockey, which also includes a lot passing and back and forth of possession, soccer lacks the possibility of fighting, and so the only excitement comes in the form of the scoring. But when you think about it, some of the things that these guys can do with a soccer ball are pretty amazing. The most creative are the long goals taken from outside the penalty box. As the ball twists and dips like a Marmol slider, these shots are impossible for the goalie to stop, and thus their magical trajectory makes these plays great inclusions for the Top 10 Plays. Adding to the mystique of the goal is the announcer's call, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!", which makes the play seem as if it was the greatest thing to ever happen since the invention of the Goreo. Then the player will usually run around for a while, rip off his jersey and his teammates will all jump on him and fellate congratulate him.

So by taking more skill to achieve than a hole-in-one and having more of a "wow" factor than the hat trick, the long goal ranks numero ocho in my Top 10: Top 10 Plays of Sports.

Ginger's greatest #8: Like I said, I know very little about soccer, but I would have to say this one is pretty impressive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzJh5V38W1E.

On the bright side of things...

This years dismal f&ck-up of a season is almost over with. Gone is the Monopoly Man and his tirades, farewell to postseason hopes and goodbye to one more year of mediocrity that has plagued the Cubs for far too long...

"I know I'm an asshole,
kick me out please."

But looking on the bright side of things (because I am the eternal optimist despite that first paragraph) at least we aren't Pittsburgh Pirates Fans.

Last nights whipping put the Bucs in their place, not to mention the fact that it was also the Cubs that secured their 17th consecutive losing season several weeks ago... Today brings a double header where *hopefully* the Cubbies will win both games under the lead of Lilly and Big Z. While I'm not banking on a sweep, it would certainly be nice especially because baseball outside of September will be sad for all of Cubdom yet again.

Looks like those "fancy" new jerseys with
them newfangled sleeves didn't work
so well after all.

If the MLB were High School, the Cubs would be the Star Football player from the previous year that everyone thought would lead the school to a State Championship (World Series) except instead we broke our leg halfway through the season, had an embarrassing episode in the locker room and literally shit ourselves playing the Freshman team (Washington Nationals).

Another "On the Bright Side..." item is that the Gatorade dispensers in the dugout also get a nice break from being Z's bitch. Throw a bad pitch that is a go-ahead run to the Pirates? Take it out on the Gatorade Machine.

"Can you feel the love tonight?"

I am just looking forward to an off-season where constant replays from the Cardinals, which take up way too much time on Sportscenter, are off the air. Yay! - For all other sports that aren't baseball: NHL (Hawks play in two days), NFL, College Football and Basketball... Oh how entertaining the off season will be.

So until the next baseball season starts, don't kill yourselves by drinking that 30-Pack of warm Pabst Blue Ribbon, don't swear and curse at Milton Bradley... watch something else... Hell, even Kate plus 8 will be back on (shocking news: "Jon" was dropped by TLC... ) if you're looking to fill you night full of crying and drinking. You might even find time to go to church and pray that next year will bring a NL Central title, playoff berth and World Series...

The only thing that I love,
that loves me back.

Bears Recap: Week 3

The Bears added another win this week with a 25-19 victory over the embattled Seahawks. Seattle was without the help of seven starters including Matt Hasselbeck, but Seneca Wallace looked fairly impressive in his absence. The Bears added to their own injuries woes when Hunter Hillenmeyer had to leave with an injury to his ribs. No updates on him yet but I wouldn't be surprised if the team gave Derrick Brooks a call in the next week or two.

Cutler looked in control again and posted some decent numbers. With columnists singing his praises, you can barely smell the torches that they were using to run him out of town a scant two weeks ago. Unfortunately the Bears have yet to establish the run. Hopefully they can get things going against the recently victorious Lions this week.

Once again the Bears proved that they are kryptonite for kickers when Seattle's Olindo Mare missed two field goals in a game they lost by only six points. After missing only three kicks all of last year, no less. Jim Mora shared his thoughts with us after the game: "No excuses ... You've got to make those kicks ... Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable. We'll look at making a change everywhere." The good people at Coors are already working on the commercial. Hahahaha, no seriously Coors is terrible.

Let's get down to the real story of the game: the new jerseys for the Seahawks. Are you kidding me with this garbage? This is a professional football team and they look like a cross between a professional soccer team and one of the bullshit teams from Any Given Sunday. Don't believe me? It's on tonight on AMC at 7. Yes, there are some college teams with ludicrous uniforms but that's almost expected in college. Want a diamond cut pattern on your yellow and green shoulder pads? Sure thing Oregon! I wasn't sure what was making me more nauseous, the lime green or the Bears' secondary.

Next week, Bears vs. Lions. White Chili predicts a 27-14 victory for the Bears. I just hope I can still enjoy the game after I stab my eyes and ears to avoid the media bukkake leading up to Monday night when Favre plays the Packers. I'll be rooting for the terrorists.

Mathematical Elimination Fever - CATCH IT!

Well, that was fun, huh?

You didn't have fun this season? Yeah, me neither.

To be honest, I haven't watched a lot of Cubs baseball lately. For the same reason I don't hang around the oncology ward of my local hospital. Tending to the slow wasting away of a reasonably promising team is not my ideal plan to spend the fleeting Chicago summer.

Which is not to say I didn't have nagging fears about this season. After compiling what was probably the best Cubs team of my lifetime in 2008, Hendry did so very little in the offseason. How was I to know that even the little he did was awful?

I'm not going to go into detail about all the wretched ways the 2008 Cubs were dismantled (other than to say that I had no beef with getting rid of DeRosa, provided the Cubs received more than a bucket of goddamn baseballs - which they did not). I'm just going to make a quiet list of the things that annoyed me about this season, with the hope that a few of them could be rectified:

The addition of Aarons to the roster.

The addition of roughly 78 pounds of pot tits to Geovany Soto's frame.

The annual jerk-around deal that doesn't happen. At least this year it was Jake Peavy Watch, and not year three of Brian Roberts Watch.

The fact that I was under the assumption that the DeRosa trade was part of a master plan to trade for someone like Peavy.

The fact that I assumed ANYTHING was actually part of a master plan on anyone's part in the front office.

Aaron Miles.

The loss of franchise face Kerry Wood combined with the meatheads who failed to notice how awful he did in Cleveland. Both a kick to my emotions and my brain.

The way the same meatheads turned on Zambrano, as if this team has another #1 starter.

The ongoing love affair that this fanbase has with mediocre gritlings like Ryan Theriot and Sam Fuld.

Aaron Fucking Miles. Have I mentioned him yet? Or Heilman? What about him?

Kevin Gregg's Extra Chromosome: Closer

The fact that Derrek Lee's production seems to be inversely proportional to the production of his teammates. God, if he played for the Nats this year he'd be hitting .460 with 98 home runs.

Everything about the Milton Bradley debacle. EVERYTHING. Everyone one every side and every statement ever made on it should be scoured out of our collective brains.

The loss of the Z-stache. I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of the end.

Aaron Miles. 'Nuff Said.

I've never looked forward to football and hockey so much in my life.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Nine

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

9. Hat trick (hockey).

The hat trick is a rare event when a hockey player will score 3 goals in one game, which is a pretty amazing feat when you think about it. The only thing that keeps the hat trick from being higher on the list is that most of America doesn't actually watch hockey, so most people don't realize that the hat trick is so cool that fans will actually throw their $30 hats onto the rink in a show of appreciation, fully knowing that they will never see it again (of course smart fans close enough to the ice will actually bring a backup hat, similar to fans in the bleachers at Wrigley bringing backup balls to throw back in case an opponent hits a home run).

According to Wikipedia, the hat trick's origins vary, and there are there are many variations of the hat trick, including my favorite, a Gordie Howe hat trick, which a player achieves by scoring a goal, getting an assist, and getting in a fight, all in the same game.

Ginger's greatest #9: Mario Lemieux recorded a "5-goal hat trick" (or "ultimate hat trick", "quintella", "Texas Hat Trick", or "Lemieux Cycle") in which he scored in all five possible game situations in one game, on 31 December 1988, against the New Jersey Devils. He scored on a powerplay, short handed, even strength, penalty shot, and an empty net goal.

Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Ten

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon a Top 10 list of my own.

10. Hole-in-one (golf).

Get in the hole! Why won't you go to your home?

The hole-in-one always makes it into the Top 10. And why not? This seemingly impossible task is about as rare as spotting a black man at a Church of Scientology convention. (Yes, I know Will Smith is a Scientologist, I did say "black man".) According to the United States Golf Register, the estimated odds of acing a hole with any given swing are one in 33,000. This combined with the fact that most of us do not have the Daly-esque power to get an ace on anything but a par 3, and most courses only have about 3-6 per 18 holes, unless you are a golf pro and play every day the chance of you or I ever achieving it is even rarer.

The one thing that does appeal to us as fans about the hole-in-one is while none of us will ever win the Super Bowl or the World Series and then go out with hot supermodels that we will then impregnate only after learning that they have given us a gift in return in the form of syphilis, but that's not the least of our problems because we just shot ourselves in the leg while tending to our Cock Fighting Ring...wait, I'm rambling. What I meant to say is that while it is highly improbable, you or I could actually hit an ace in our lifetime.

The stakes are even raised during amateur golf tournaments, many of which will offer cash or cars for someone who does hit a hole-in-one on a particular hole. So how can we improve our chances of achieving this feat and possibly ending up on SportCenter? Well, according to holeinone.com there are many averages to those who achieve the elusive ace.

Average age of a Hole In One golfer: 44.6663 yrs., or about the average age that you are fed up with your wife and start golfing every weekend, even though you HATE GOLF!

Day of week most Holes In One occur: Friday.

Day of week least Holes In One occur: Sunday, because God HATES GOLF TOO!

Club most used in making an ace: 7 Iron, because just like Paris Hilton, everyone can hit a 7 iron.

But does it really take talent to hit a hole-in-one? Let me tell you a little story about a man name Jed, poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. No seriously. One day a buddy and I were paired up with a couple of douchebags that were about as horrible at golf as they were annoying. One guy must have just picked up golf, because he was particularly bad. As we approached the 17th hole he must have been already shooting around 100. Dude hits a line drive shot on the par 3 over the water and onto the green past the hole, which was lucky enough for this guy. Only the back of the green is a hill, so the ball rolls up the hill, back down the hill and into the hole. Mother-fucker! So it just goes to show you that it isn't all skill.

To date, 22,717 have registered their hole-in-one's at holeinone.com. The greatest person to ever get an ace, of course, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who according to official government news agencies, routinely hits between three and four hole-in-ones per round. So while your hole-in-one to win a million dollars might make it your 15 minutes of fame, the fact that basically anyone can do it and it's more of a novelty puts the hole-in-one at Numero Diez on our Countdown.

Ginger's greatest #10: Michael J. Crean of Denver, CO- 517 yard par 5 9th hole at the Green Valley Ranch Golf Club on July 4, 2002.

TMS Cy Young Predictions

As the season winds down, talk turns to awards for the year. MVP, Cy Young, Comeback Player of The Year, and Rookie of the Year. So let's talk about this year's Cy Young candidates. Since the Cubs are in the National League, let's start there.

Your 2009 NL Cy Young Winner is . . . Tim Lincecum. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Lincecum currently sports a 14-6 record in 30 games started with an ERA of 2.47 and a WHIP of 1.06. The emo kid has struck out 247 in 211.1 innings pitched and walked only 63. He's only surrendered 10 long balls while hurling 4 complete games and 2 shutouts.

Runners up are the dynamic duo from St. Louis, Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter. Cub killer Carpenter has posted a 16-4 record in 26 games with an ERA of 2.34 and a WHIP of 1.01. Carp struck out 136 batters while walking only 34 in 180.2 innings. He has 3 complete games and 1 shutout in 2009, while coughing up only 7 home runs.

Wainwright has put up an 18-8 record in 32 games with an ERA of 2.59 and a WHIP of 1.21. The Cardinal youngster notched 193 Ks and gave up 63 walks in 219 innings pitched. He has only 1 complete game and no shutouts this season.

So why Lincecum? I think if Carpenter hadn't missed the first month, he really would be the no doubt pick here. Wainwright has just been ridiculous as well. All three of these guys have pretty similar numbers, but what really does it for me is that Lincecum has 247 strikeouts to Wainwright's 193, and his ERA at the moment is slightly lower. Plus, while Lincecum has fewer wins than the other two guys, he's also pitching for a team with less offensive ability than the Cardinals. All three guys are great pitchers and with a few starts left to go, there's still a chance for things to swing toward one of the Redbird hurlers.

And the AL. Let me just say this: if Zack Greinke manages to win the AL Cy Young pitching for the Kansas City Royals, not only does he deserve praise and admiration, but a lifetime supply of blow jobs from Erin Andrews. Greinke has been unbelievably good this year on a team that's sometimes unbelievably bad. The Zacker should be sporting around 22 wins, but lack of offense and some poor middle relief have cut into his win totals. He currently has a 15 and 8 record in 31 starts with a nifty ERA of 2.08 and a WHIP of 1.06. He's K'd 229 batters and walked 47 in 216.1 inning pitched. He has 6, count them, 6 complete games with 3 shutouts. 15 wins may be low for a Cy Young winner, but holy crap this kid has just been beyond good.

Runner up: Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners is 16 and 5 in 31 starts with an ERA of 2.45 and a WHIP of 1.14. He's struck out 196 and walked 64 in 216.1 innings pitched. He has 2 complete games and 1 shutout on the year.

Why Zack?King Felix may have more wins, but 6/3 CG/SHOs for Greinke and 2/1 for Hernandez, plus the K/BB numbers bring it all on home for the Zack Attack. Both of these guys would have more wins if they were on better teams.

These are my Cy Young predictions. Feel free to debate and make your own in the comments.

Overrated: Fireworks

Before you all get your patriotic panties in a bunch, let me clarify that I have no issue with the fireworks displays presented on the 4th of July. Those are a grand example of love for country, and when coupled with a good Sousa march, gives me a red, white, and blue boner that lasts until Labor Day. Hell, I don't even mind if my neighbors launch a few bottle rockets on the 4th and who could hate sparklers? Only a communist, that's who.

But that's where my love affair with things that go boom ends. During the last weeks of June leading up to the 4th and the two weeks in July following , all the white trash asshats in my neighborhood continue firing stuff off as soon as it gets dark. If you're shooting fireworks off on any other day then the 4th of July, you're not a patriot; you're just a dick who likes to blow shit up. Enough already. Besides, amateur fireworks suck ass. It's the real thing or nothing.

And being a Cub fan, I guess I've never understood the appeal of setting off fireworks for a team victory or worse, every fucking time one of your players hits a home run. I can read the scoreboard and I can see when a ball leaves the ballpark. If you're so retarded that you need a pyrotechnic display in order to know whether your team won or lost, then I think you're watching the wrong game. And people have a problem when a guy poses too long at home plate to admire a home run, but it's considered okay to shoot a bunch of rockets in the air? Seems like pretty poor sportsmanship to me.

So save your fireworks for the 4th of July, when they actually mean something. God Bless America, bitches.