The Stupid, It Burns

This had better not be true. According to Paul Sullivan of the Tribune, the Cubs plan to shop Carlos Zambrano in the offseason. And of course after Z has a bad inning yesterday, the media feels the need to ask him about said rumors, causing him to explode. Just when I think Jim Hendry can't possibly outstupid himself, this happens. Now I know El Toro Loco hasn't exactly had an ace-like season, but let's think sensibly about this. I'm too lazy to look the stats up-that's what Google and Baseball Reference are for-but I know without looking that Big Z has been one of the most consistent, generally durable pitchers in the game. He also gave the Cubs a reasonable discount on his contract, which is just one more reason you would want to keep him around. Just about any other team in the league would gladly take Carlos, despite his occasional melodrama and general weirdness. Shit, Carlos isn't half the drama queen that Manny Ramirez has been and Boston put up with him for many years.

With the strong possibility that the Cubs won't resign Rich Harden, who goes into the rotation? Marshall? Shark Jesus? This effectively makes Ted Lilly the ace of the staff, backed up by (gulp) Ryan Dempster. I think I just threw up a little. And I really like Randy Wells, but holy shit, before you trade away Zambrano, do you think maybe you might want to wait a year and see if Randy can repeat what he's done this year? Given the Cubs' track record with rookies, pitchers in particular, I wouldn't put money on it. Or let him room with Geo during Spring Training next year.

You don't trade one of your most solid players just because of an off year. Shit, half the damn team would have to go after the year this team has had. All of this bullshit reminds me of last year and all the whiny bitches who cried for Jim Hendry to trade Derrek Lee in the offseason and make Hoffpauier the starting first baseman. Who's hitting .307, has 33 dongs, and 101 RBIs? It ain't Micah Hoffpauier, motherfuckers. I'm a fan, but I would hope that Jin Hendry at least has the common sense not to base his personnel decisions based on what the fans want.

Zambrano has been durable up until this year, a year in which he pulled a hammy running the bases too hard (which he has vowed not to do anymore) and missed time with a bad back, which he also promised to try and take care of by doing more strength conditioning. Over the course of his career, Big Z has made his fair share of mistakes, but one of the things I love about the guy is that he owns up to them and works to correct them. When Carlos was winning games, the fans loved his fiery act. He has a bad year and all of a sudden he's damaged goods. I for one think this year was an aberration and Big Z comes out strong in 2010. Hopefully, he'll still be wearing a Cub uniform and just as loco as ever. I wouldn't want it any other way.

War Criminal: Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier

Christian Audigier with frail teenage boy recluse

If there exists another brand-whoring duo worse or more offensive than this pair, I might have to gouge out my eyes and brain and offer them as sacrifice to the Satanic Lords that will have surely overrun our planet and neutered anything good, pure, happy and decent, as is their wont.

Until that time, we must make do with Hardy and Audigier, champions of a hair-gelled, fake-tanned culture that I want no part of. Well, that's not entirely true; I want something to do with that culture if I have a giant douche-bag seeking missile that will kill every last one of those idiots with clothing that's covered in tattoo designs.

Hardy: the man responsible for this mess

But before I get too lost in my own gaudy rhetoric, let's review: Ed Hardy is a crusty tattoo artist somehow revered by the masses for tattooing the shit out of stuff better than anyone else (sorry, Kat Von Whatever). His designs are all full of flaming skulls, half-naked women, and other shit adored by sailors and Marines on shore leave.

That's not the horrendous part, per se: it's the French asshole who latched onto his aesthetic and through repeated yard rape, has made it as ubiquitous as God, and about as idolized and annoying.

Christian Audigier, some designer (well, a designer who bought up everyone else's designs to market them as his own) of minor fame, already angered the universe once with his Von Dutch garbage (yeah, the trucker caps and short shorts adored by Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee types), and has since brought Ed Hardy's tattoos into just about every industry possible. (Mercifully, Von Dutch is already dead -- their website says it all -- so I hold out hope for this latest piece of evil)

You can buy:

- Ed Hardy clothes
- Ed Hardy hats
- Ed Hardy sunglasses
- Ed Hardy condoms (probably)
- Ed Hardy HAND SANITIZER WHAT THE FUCK
- Ed Hardy flavored Doritos
- Ed Hardy shoes
- Ed Hardy g-strings
- Ed Hardy Vodka
- Ed Hardy Beer
- Ed Hardy Mace (probably)
- Ed Hardy forest-clearing equipment that scorches the Rainforests and makes Mother Earth weep in her hemp undies
- Ed Hardy switchblades
- Ed Hardy Morning After Pills (now with 99.9% success rate! For the 0.01% that fail, you'll give birth to a beautiful baby flaming skull tattoo!)
- Ed Hardy beach towels
- Ed Hardy AIR FRESHENERS ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
- Ed Hardy bail bonds
- Ed Hardy cocktail shakers
- Ed Hardy jeans
- Ed Hardy shotgun shells
- Ed Hardy iPhone covers
- Ed Hardy Pinot Grigio

In short, just about anything can now be purchased with Ed Hardy flaming bullshit all over it. For every possible facet of your life, there's an Ed Hardy product. You could go from birth to death using solely Ed Hardy-branded shit, filling every waking moment of your life with an Ed Hardy experience.

The duo are killing the world with their carefree licensing of the brand to just about every fly-by-night 99c store concept, and it has to stop. Audigier is a tireless self-promoter (subtext: he talks about himself to anyone and everyone around him) whose awfully-designed Ed Hardy product websites make me want to commit atrocities upon the weak, elderly and infirm.

Please, Stallone, dust off the fists and pummel this asshole Audigier (at left) to death

There's nothing this tanned asshole won't foist upon the world, and I am sick of it.

Of course, considering the brash, pseudo-edgy nature of the merchandise, every gym-bound jock moron sports at least three Ed Hardy t-shirts a day, each of them a crime against humanity. It gives me further reason to wish painful, prolonged death upon Jersey Shore-dwelling, knuckle-dragging Gotti types who revel in the Hardy/Audigier universe like it's some badge of honor. It's not. It's a fucking t-shirt with flaming skulls on it. My infant son could do better.

Maybe I'm biased, maybe I'm cranky, maybe I'm misguided and simply off-base with this offensive. I tire greatly when corporate synergy, pointless cross-promotion and branding is shoved down my throat, and lately, the collective gushing of chromosome-deficient halfwits over the Hardy/Audigier brand is the most nauseating of all. It makes me hate tattoos. It makes me hate self-expression. It makes me hate life.

This bronzed bastard must be stopped before he grabs an artist actually worth a fuck and proceeds to dilute and distill his life's work into a series of meaningless, disposable products normally sold out of the back of a van or at some store on a boardwalk somewhere.

My elevation of their sickening "craft" to War Criminal status is borne from all these straggling, incoherent feelings: the commodification of art, the French, rampant consumerism, Jersey guido nightclub types (the Bridge-and-Tunnel crowd), and most of all, cheapness. All of this stuff is so intrinsically cheap, it makes me sick.

So please, Mr. Hardy. Stop letting this garlic-scoffing c*nt from wrecking the world further with Hardy-branded tattoo-ridden products. They fucking suck. You fucking suck.

And Monsieur Audigier? Please take all your money and retire in peace. The world is done with you, though some new strain of ebola or swine flu will be arriving in 5-10 years to rob you of your dignity, your energy, and your life.

(Shit! Even the douche ex-husband/fetal alcohol syndrome candidate from Jon Plus Eight on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Sundays and Kate Plus Eight on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays Except for Holiday Weekends wears this shit! Maybe there is hope for this to die out after all...)

Chicago Cubs Fashion: Hats Edition

The Cubs season is all but over, but with this being a "Cubs blog", and not much being written about the Cubs lately, I feel the need to write about something Cubs related (it seems Arcuturus has suspended the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society, along with the my hopes of breaking the longest time I have ever waited to see a semi-nude girl naked on the internet since the invention of usenet). Sure, I could talk about the rumors of Z being traded, or what went wrong this season, or even the always popular "new" Wrigley Field. But I think I will attempt my hand at Cubs fashion, and so I give Cubs fans their guide to purchasing your new Cubs hat for the 2010 season.

First let's look at the classics:

This hat says, "I'm a Cubs fan". Nothing pretentious or obnoxious, just the same hat that the players wear on the field. Now remember, if you were born before the 90s make sure to curve that bill first. Don't even try to be like the "hip generation" with their flat billed hats. And for that matter, and this SHOULD need no explanation, but make sure to keep that hat on forward and straight ahead. No tilting to the side. If you are in a frat, it is acceptable to wear your hat backwards to warn everyone else that while you may blend in with your peers, you are in fact still a douche.


Then we have the "Warm Up" hat. Also acceptable in most cultures, although if you have dumbo ears, you may want to avoid this hat as the side "flairs" accentuate these appendages. The advantages of the this hat include the stretch fit and the special lining which helps to move sweat away from the head, keeping you cool for while you are playing Beer Softball or hitting the links.




This is like your tradition Cubs hat, but not fitted. It is perfect for the semi-Cubs fan. It's not annoying and at least it doesn't have a big "Bank of America" logo on the side that indicates that you got as a free giveaway. But the lack of actually buying a fitted and more comfortable hat shows you don't have your heart completely with the Cubs...that, or you like to use the hole in the back for stringing through the hair of your sweet mullet.



Now we move on to the alternatives to the Cubs hat. This is a nice version that the team wears on those patriotic days like the Fourth of July, 9/11 and Memorial Day. This hat says, "I like the Cubs and America, but I'm not going to shove my jingoism down your throat like a redneck hick." No, that would be for Cardinal fans.




This hat is similar to the traditional Cubs hat, only a little more "hip" for the kids and their "faux trailer trash" style, at least a couple years ago. This hat features a mesh backing and a "grungy and worn" look, that makes it look like you've had this hat since 1976, but we all know you weren't even born yet. Us old folk are really laughing behind your back, but you're too "edgy" to notice.



Now these hats are a little different. They all feature a variation on the Cubs logo, and with different colors than the Cubs colors. These hats are okay novelty hats that can be worn once in a while, but should never be the wearer's "regular" hat. They are usually purchased by girlfriends and wives who think they look "cute" and that "you need a new hat because the one you have is smelly and dirty". They aren't super obnoxious and are okay for young and old folk alike to wear whenever you're feeling in the mood to change it up a bit, or to please the giver of the hat.

WHOA DUDE, that hat is too damn flashy. You know this guy. The one that still wears his Zubas from the 80s and cuts the sleeves off of all his shirts. Be careful of anyone wearing this hat as they may be roided out and attempt to rip your head from your body.





Umm...okay? Plaid? Really? Let's go golfing?







Pink hat! Either you have a vagina, or you're the guy that sits in the third row right behind home plate at every home game that I like to refer to as, "Pink Hat Guy". It's cool, we understand you are okay with your sexuality if you wear this hat, unless you are that douche with the pink popped collar as well.




This is a kids hat, particularly for little girls. If you are wearing this hat, you have serious issues.







This is not a hat, it's a visor. If you are wearing this you have even more serious issues. Or you didn't want to mess up your sweet faux hawk. Have another Bud Light, dude!





And of course we have the "Gangsta" hats. They can easily be identified by their flat bills, off-centered logos and hologram sticker, which the wearer will refuse to remove. I would say that only gangsters wear these hats, be we all know real gang-bangers wear Sox hats. People wearing these hats are probably white, live in the suburbs, and their parents are city council members. If you are over the age of 18 and wearing this hat, please just do us a favor and buy a Sox hat. You sir are the worst offenders of so-called Cubs fans.

And finally, get over it! Cubs season is over. You should be wearing your Bears hat. Bear Down!

Death League Update: Patrick Swayze

Patrick Swayze was not the greatest actor of his generation. However, that didn't stop him from giving us a number of characters that will live on forever. Most notably he'll be remembered for his roles in Ghost, opposite Demi Moore and the always-handsome Whoopi Goldberg, and Dirty Dancing. But before he pulled Jennifer Grey out of the corner, they were defending Colorado against invading Cuban & Soviet forces in Red Dawn. He also played the wise older brother in The Outsiders, the best damn cooler in the land in Road House, and a skydiving/surfing bank-robber in Point Break. The list goes on.

Let us also not forget that without him, there would be no Chippendales sketch. And then where would we be?

Take the biggest guy in the world,
shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.

Unfortunately we lost him last night to a short battle to a terribly aggressive pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

Vaya con Dios, Brah.

And now for a quick look at the standings...

Unsticking the Craw

I got a lot of things stuck in my craw this morning, so I'm just going to uncraw the hell out of a couple, folks.

I. I Am Apparently Friends With a Lot of 13-Year-Old Girls

No, not literally. I am not Gary Glitter; step back Chris Hansen. I just noticed yesterday that, judging by Facebook statuses, a lot of my friends, many of whom are my age and older, were filled with outrage that Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift to praise Beyonce, or something like that at the Video Music Awards. Which means that a lot of my friends, many of whom are married adults with college degrees and young children, are watching the Video Music Awards.

Folks: an overrated pop star insulted another overrated pop star, and a third overrated pop star was involved. Genocide in Darfur never gets this kind of outrage. You are adults. You should really start caring about adult things, which I define as whatever the hell isn't on goddamn MTV.

II. Chicago Sports Fans Are Actually Worse Than 13-Year-Old Girls

I know it's only the lunatic fringe now, but the fact that immediately following Chicago's (non-blowout) loss on Sunday, certain Bears fans were already ready to run Jay Cutler out of town only strengthens my point. I mean, I'm used to my fellow Cubs fans being out on the ledge, but COME ON. Calm down. It was a loss. It was a bad day. Relax. And for God's sake: do not even pretend that Orton is better than Cutler based on one goddamn day. And it will only get worse if they lose another game between now and the Super Bowl.

I have never seen a whinier batch of fembots than the average group of fanatical Chicago sports fans when faced with an unexpected loss. And I know several Morrissey and Cure fans. Every time a highly touted player lets them down, Chicago is flooded with a sentiment of "bring back the mediocre journeyman with grit and hustle and scrap that couldn't win a damn ballgame either!" God, if one of the Cubs slap-hittin' cajuns actually gets traded, prepare for a collective, city wide crying jag.

Note: It is acceptable to be upset about losing Urlacher to an injury. That actually does suck donkey wang - although most of the people hand-wringing about this loss wanted to run him out of town on a rail last season. Crybabies.

III. We Are Creeping Closer To a Police State Again

Read this article, and this follow up.

If you still think Kanye West's behavior is worth wasting your outrage after hearing this story, then you can die in a fire.

Cubs of Yore: Mickey Morandini

Nicknames: The Crippler, Dandy Little Glove Man

Played for The Cub: '98 and '99

Random Write-up: Moran-fuckin-dini was pretty much money during his short stint with the Cubs. He came over in '98 in a trade with Philly for Doug Glanville. He was the type of player that the current Cubs are in such dire need of - a guy who does all the little things. He got on base, bunted, fielded well (hence the nickname brandished by Stoney), had a mini-mullet, wore a WT goatee, always looked pissed. A few memorable moments come to mind when I think back to The Crippler's tenure. The first thing was that he always carried the legacy of turning an unassisted triple play back in his Phillie years. It was inevitable during a nationally televised game that the announcer would mention it. Before you joke, this was 1998, playoff team, Sosa doing 'roids and "saving" baseball. Secondly, the guy had a remarkable resemblance to Chris Benoit of the WWE. For the record, my brother gave him the nickname of The Crippler since it's the same as Benoit's, no one else has ever called him The Crippler to my recollection. Lastly, and most importantly, I vividly remember a game in '99 when DLGM got hit on the back of the arm by a pitch. He took a deep breath, scowled, yelled "FUCK" at the top of his lungs, and then ran to first. All of this was done while the camera was zoomed in on him. God that was funny.

What the hell?: Even though he wasn't an All-Star for The Cubs (he was a '95 All-Star for Philly), he inexplicably received an MVP vote in 1998. What? Somebody clearly hated Sammy Sosa.

Also of Note: He's tied with Ryno for the highest fielding percentage ever by a second baseman. Mickey opted out of the 1987 MLB Draft so he could play baseball for the USA in the 1988 Olympics in Seoul, Korea where he and his teammates took home the gold medal. The DLGM now lends his baseball wisdom to Valparaiso High School in Indiana, where he is the head baseball coach. And perhaps just to prove that baseball isn't the only thing that defines Mickey Morandini, he and his wife run their own stationary store. Aww!

You May Remember Him From: that time that TMS visited The Cubs Media Social

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Brant's Rant

First off, welcome back to the NFL. We missed you greatly.

NFL Division Matchups in Week 1: Does anyone else think that it might not be the best idea to play divisional rivals during the first week of the season? By it's nature, we witness quite a bit of rust during Week 1, as most starters do not play in the last pre-season game, and new players have yet to fully click with their teammates and gameplans. I do not mean this as an excuse for poor opening game performances, but I think it is a fair argument. For example, the Bears and Packers both looked like they were working out kinks on offense last night. If the Bears are going to have a game scheduled with a non-conference opponent like the Bengals, why not slot that in for the first week of the season, instead of an important game with a divisional foe? It would allow the players a full game to get their sea legs under them, and potential tie-breaker scenarios at the end of the season would not be dictated by what is often a less than stellar first game. Logistically, the NFL schedule is not nearly as difficult to piece together as the MLB schedule. I do not see a logical reason as to why non-conference teams, or at the very least teams outside of your division, cannot be scheduled for Week 1.

Pepsi's "Forever Young" Commercial: This commercial, featuring Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" as sung by some rapper named William, was first introduced to us during last February's Superbowl. Early this spring, in a shrewd bit of advertising, Pepsi spliced old baseball footage into the commercial and aired it on a near-continuous loop on the Major League Baseball network, amongst other stations. After six months of bombardment, the first notes of the song have come to elicit anger, hitting, and the throwing of various objects in the Brown household (mostly by Mrs. Brown). But hey, baseball season is drawing to a close, so the commercial will soon go quietly into that good night, right? Apparently not. A revamped version came on during the Steelers/Titans game, naturally with old football footage taking the place of baseball. This could quickly surpass John Mellencamp's "Our Country" song for Chevy as the most painful ad campaign ever.

Anthony Bourdain's Lack of Traveling: If you watch "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations", you'll likely have noticed that the overwhelming majority of episodes this season take place in the United States. I'd like to give the Travel Channel the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps Bourdain just wants to stay closer to home for a while. What I really hope is that the Travel Channel isn't citing the recent economic downturn as their reason for keeping Bourdain in the states. Maybe they don't have the budget of recent years, but if they indeed have chosen to ground Bourdain in favor of such one trick ponies as Andrew Zimmern and "Bite Me with Dr. Mike", then we are all being cheated. Bourdain actually brings something intellectual and personal to the table, two qualities which are increasingly lacking in our short attention span, shock value television of late.

Clint Dempsey (American soccer player): Please help me out here Clint. You make me so sad when I watch you play soccer. Are you going for the "Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3" look, or the "two days out of Auschwitz" look? For the love of God man, eat something; smile on occasion; grow your hair back out a half-inch. Please pretend that you're happy and love your job, because this could very well be a pivotal year for American soccer. So many impressionable kids are looking up to you.

The FOX Robot: Countless blogs and commenters have chided FOX for their idiotic graphic robot (you know which one I'm talking about). Many of us were secretly praying that the network would finally ditch this gimmick for the 2009 season. I didn't even want to mention it to my friends over the last few weeks for fear of jinxing it. Alas, they did not scrap the damn robot. I suppose you can give FOX kudos for their conviction, though we would rather that you did not.

A Non-Rant: I despise USC football. I'm a Big Ten guy by nature, and living in Southern California, I am tired of all the USC ball-washing. That being said, I am fairly interested in the Mark Sanchez-led Jets. I suspect that they will be on television quite a few times in our region, and I vow to maintain an interest in how they fare.

Probable / Questionable / Out

Last night the NFL season kicked off in Heinz Field and other games will follow this weekend. There’s already a significant injury on the books after Crumpler rolled over Polamalu’s left leg and sprained his MCL during a FG attempt. He looked alright walking and even climbing stairs on the way to have it examined in the team locker room but all reports have him sitting out 3-6 weeks (Madden curse! Look out Fitz).

As an avid fantasy football owner, injuries drive me absolutely crazy. Last year I took Brady with my first overall pick in one league which turned out to be a spectacular move. As frustrating as circumstances like that are, even more so are the players that are listed as probable and then show up in street clothes or, on the flip side, are reported to be out for the week and then put up monster numbers. And teams don’t seem to release their status until halfway through the first series of the game, leaving people like me guessing.

Here’s my list of the usual suspects. The guys that cannot go undrafted and yet you kick yourself when you queue them up because you know that you’ll have to grab their backup too. It just so happens that they’re all running backs. Feel free to add “and Carson Palmer” at the end quietly to yourself.

Brian Westbrook: No one embodies my feelings more than this guy. The guy does everything on the football field but in his seven seasons as an Eagle, he has NEVER played in all 16 games. In fact, if you Google his name right now the story that appears at the very top lists him as “limited, but slated to play”. Last year he was listed as questionable when they played the Falcons. What did he do? 209 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Fuck you Brian Westbrook. This year he missed the entire preseason after having surgery to clean out scar tissue and bone fragments in his ankle. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Willie Parker: This guy takes a beating because, contrary to last nights game, the Steelers are first and foremost a running team. However, last year it was always his shoulder bothering him, except of course when it was his knee. But even when he was healthy to start the year he put up these consecutive yard totals: 47, 37, 221, 25, 138. This year he missed part of the preseason with hamstring and back issues. Last night he was held to just 19 yards against a tough Titans defense. Odds are he’ll be splitting time with a handful of guys from now on.

Joseph Addai: This guy was a huge boost for the Colts in ’07 but last year had some knee problems and from week to week nobody knew if he, Dominic Rhodes, or Kenton Keith was going to start. The thing about the Colts offense is that you don’t have to be an overpowering back to be of value. All you have to do is block for a second, run five yards, turn around and wait for Peyton to pitch you the ball. Before you know it, you’ll have 75+ receiving yards and bowling over safeties is a lot less damaging than having to squeeze between linemen and linebackers. He could very well return to form this year but I’m still keeping my distance.

Larry Johnson: I’ll cut Larry a little bit of slack because he’s on Kansas City and doesn’t have much in the way of a “team” surrounding him. But that doesn’t excuse getting benched for three games for “violating team rules”, asking to be traded, and facing repeated charges for assault. Sure, he’s the premiere back on the team but his track record doesn’t instill most people with a great deal of confidence.

Steven Jackson: Here’s a situation similar to that of Larry Johnson. No one to throw or catch the ball, so everything comes down on your shoulders. Regardless of how much talent you possess, that’s a tall order. Last year it resulted in a thigh problem that never seemed to go away. Every week in November seemed to be a game-time decision.


Reggie Bush: Ah Reggie Bush. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all watch you play at USC forever? It’s not like you weren’t already getting paid. He’s had a nagging calf injury and add to that the microfracture surgery he had during the offseason on his knee and you can definitely consider him an injury risk. He missed 10 games over the last two years and is already splitting time with Pierre Thomas. His biggest games are never the result of consistent rushes, but rather due to one or two big plays. Thanks but no thanks.

Frank Gore: Somehow Frank Gore always appears as the recommended fourth overall pick. Can someone please tell me why? Next year is always supposed to be his breakout year. Last year he had 608 rushing yards and a whopping THREE touchdowns. In fact, he was held under 50 yards rushing nine times last year. I take it back, this guy isn’t an injury risk, he’s just awful.

Clinton Portis: Portis usually comes through when he’s on the field. Last year looked to be no different when he went five weeks in a row rushing for over 120 yards, was leading the league by a wide margin, and was a good candidate for MVP. But things started to taper off in November after a nagging sore hip and then you had no idea what you were going to get. The problem was, Portis was never completely out so he would cannibalize his replacements’ stats as well. Supposedly he’s back to form.

Add your own fantasy nightmares in the comments. No, not those fantasy nightmares.

TMS Banter: the Food Edition

Over the past week, the Saloon has been a-buzz about food. And why not, we all enjoy eating, right? While I have been absent for most of the conversations, I thought I would weigh-in on my prospective, and give our readers something of a behind the scenes look into the brilliance behind the minds of the Saloon. So I give you the food topics, that TMS may or may not endorse.

Sweet Corn

Oh, how the battle has raged on about sweet corn in the Saloon. You see, Chip Wesley lives in Iowa. He claims that Iowa has the best sweet corn. I counter that Iowa stands for "Idiots Out Walking Around" so his argument has no validity. As most of our readers are presumably from Illinois, I assume that you think you have the best sweet corn, and you would be correct. And then we have Adam Blank, from California, who thinks his sweet corn is the shit. Sorry Adam, just like you think your air is breathable, your governor isn't a pot-smoking, juicer martian, and that only YOU can prevent forest fires, you would be wrong.

I come from DeKalb, IL. If any of our readers have gone to school at NIU, you know about Cornfest. The annual festival that occurs the weekend before school opens features such interesting events such as a 10K run, a dunk tank, washed-up 80s bands, and of course, the Corn Boil. Yep, every year Del Monte donates tens of thousands of ears of corn to be boiled up by an antique steam engine and served for FREE to thousands of customers on Saturday and Sunday morning.

As a kid, Cornfest was the highlight of the year. Of course I had never been to actual festivals like the Sandwich Fair or the Scandinavian Day Festival in Elgin. No we had Cornfest. Until I was 14 and went to Six Flags for the first time, I thought the Gravitron was the biggest ride ever. Of course, I also thought that beer was paid for in tickets and the Jefferson Starship was the greatest touring band of all time. Some highlights we also indulged in was the shish kabobs by the weird Greek stand, the elephant ears (fried dough covered in sugar and cinnamon) by the Jaycee's, buying a new pair of Umbro soccer shorts (to of course cover my neon yellow bike shorts I would wear underneath) at Chiltons, and of course the corn.

Fuck your fancy Mexican grilled corn, covered in cilantro, Cotija cheese and lime. You can go to hell roasted sweet corn with horseradish butter. And screw the South and their fried corn. The best corn in the world is and always will be corn from the DeKalb Cornfest Corn Boil. Pure and simple corn, the way nature intended. Steamed and boiled in a huge vat of sulphuric and lead infused DeKalb water straight from fire hydrant, and then completely immersed in a tub of drawn butter, if you didn't get at least two cobs you would be immediately labeled a heretic and quartered in the town square.

So as they say in DeKalb, "Come for the corn, stay for the...well, you can leave then, because we got nothing else for you."

Goreos

I missed out on the hilarity of the Goreo thread this week in the TMS Saloon as I was swamped at work covering for my vacationing boss, but apparently Goreos have been named the Official TMS Snack. So what's a Goreo you are probably asking yourself (as was I). The Goreo is the nickname for the Golden Oreo (which is apparently the nickname for something far worse). With Obama in the office, racists are popping out of the woodwork like Hines Ward at Buttery Hand Convention. I like to call them Republicans. With the influx of these Republicans, the makers at Nabisco noticed a drop in the sales of Oreos. Presumably these Republicans don't like anything black. And so was born the Golden Oreo, a vanilla wafer with the traditional white cream filling. Perfect for those who hate Obama and other Oreos.

In August of 2009, Nabisco also introduced the Double Stuffed Golden Oreo. This is made for overstuffed Republicans, mostly who congregate in the Southern regions of the country. And what better spokesmen for the Double Stuffed Goreos than the most recognizable hicks of the nation, the Manning Brothers...and that rich dude with the bad hair. YOU'RE FIRED! Not content with these commercials, I traveled back in time to when I was 14 and made my own Goreo commercial, which can be seen here. Buy 'em, you jack ass!

Cool Ranch Doritos

At Chaim's office (AKA, the Crew Bar and Grill), someone did an event where they had to use a bunch of mini-bags of chips. So for a week they had a shitload of leftover bags of Cheetohs, Doritos, Lays, Fritos and Cool Ranch Doritos. Almost all the chips were eaten, except for basically all of the Cool Ranch Doritos. An informal, and very scientific poll was taken and 63% of TMS bartenders (and interns) still enjoy the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos. Cool Ranch is the second longest running flavor of Doritos, obviously behind the traditional Nacho Cheese. For a short time Frito-Lay jumped on the "X-treme!!!" bandwagon and changed the name to Cooler Ranch, but soon changed it back.

Cool Ranch Doritos are the traditional snack of stoners, which would explain why no one at Chaim's work likes them, I hear their drug of choice is ecstacy and poppers. While I scoured the internet for the ingredients of Cool Ranch Doritos and why they taste so damn good, nothing particular popped out as a key ingredient as to why these chips are any different from the regular Nacho Cheese version. One site guesses that Cool Ranch are basically corn chips covered in Hidden Valley Ranch powder. One ingredient that I did find interesting was "natural flavors". You see, if a company puts a very small percentage of an ingredient, or that ingredient is part of a secret recipe, it can be vague about said ingredients. Upon further investigation, it turns out that Frito-Lay might be trying to trick the Jews and Muslims.

According to Wikipedia:
"Frito-Lay's website states that they use enzymes from pigs (porcine enzymes) in some of their seasoned snack chip products to develop "unique flavors". The presence of pig-derived ingredients makes them non-kosher for Jews and haraam for Muslims to eat."

Not being Jewish or Muslim, I am free to indulge in as many Cool Ranch Doritos as I please, although I prefer a much unhealthier snack, the Death By Processed Cheese (see below).

Cheese Puff, Nacho Cheese and American Cheese Slice, this can't go wrong.

As you can see, with the Cubs out of the playoff hunt and the Bears yet to play a regular season game, the conversation at the Saloon gets pretty interesting. Won't you join us?

Bear Down!

Jeremy Piven Career Status Update

STILL CRAPPY

09/09/09

We're all f&cked.

THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!
THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!
THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!

Today is 09/09/09 - a numerical date that really reflects nothing significant, other that the same number day being in the same numbered month being in the same numbered year (as long as you take out the "20--" part.) But don't be fooled - every major TV outlet, newspaper, radio station and blog, including this one now, will be talking about how today is special.

Today marks the beginning of the end for people who actually believe that numerically unique dates are signs that the world is going to end. These are the same people that built bunkers in their basement, computer free, for Y2K (I survived, did you?) These are the same people that you see at Sam's Club or Kroger stocking up on Spam, Campbell's Soup other non-perishables. These are the same people that are waiting for December 12, 2012 to come.

SPAM - Does the body good

For some of us that live under a rock December 12, 2012 is the supposed date that the Aztec Calender ends, leading a lot of people to believe that the end of the world is occurring on that date. If its not the end of the world then there will be a cataclysmic event (one site I visited even suggested that its the "Dawning of the Age of Aquarius." If I have to endure one more person singing that song, their world will end.) These people are nuts. It seems as if they are coming to the sudden realization that they may not make it past that day. At one point in time I was blissfully unaware that I am going to die, I was two. I think I have a better chance at getting shot by a dog dressed in hunting gear with a gun over its shoulder that seeing the world end on December 12, 2012.

"This human oppression has lasted too long."

I'm not expecting an Orsen Welles/War of the Worlds moment in time here where literally everyone thinks there is an alien invasion, but we could play on the fear that Communist Zombies are invading to indoctrinate out children in their classrooms with the values of Socialism. Oh the horrors! Next the Communists could want to endorse a national health care plan and "death panels" if were not careful!

It actually wouldn't surprise me to hear of a cult that killed themselves today. Heavens Gate comes to mind: matching uniforms, purple covers and "fresh" Nikes (except Nikes are no longer "trendy", so Chuck Taylors will have to suffice today). I mean really what happens more often: the Halley-Bopp Comet or 09/09/09? Exactly.

So in closing, I don't intend to lock myself in my house nor do I plan to go stock up on milk, eggs and bread (which is common before every potential natural disaster in Kentucky). I plan to go about my daily life, and hope that you do the same. But if you really think the world is going to end, or you're just bored at work, just click here.

Tuesday Afternoon Heresy

Last week on the TMS e-mail thread, I made a comment that caused my fellow bartenders to call into question my intelligence, my sanity, and even my sexuality. I tossed off the opinion that were I the Cubs' new owner, I would build a new ballpark. Judging by the reception I received for that suggestion, I can only surmise that I can expect a similar outpouring of vitriol from the folks who read this website. No matter, I will press ahead with this post regardless.

First of all, before you get out the tar and feathers, please understand that I love Wrigley Field as much as any other Cubs fan. I think its a beautiful old ballpark with a ton of history. She's a grand old lady, a ghost from baseball's past, whose brick and ivy clad walls have seen the passage of time and the making of history. They've borne witness to some of the great players of the ages and seen baseball's color barrier fall. With the Yankees moving into their new ballpark this season, only Fenway and Wrigley stand as icons of baseball's Golden Age.

So why move? Well, for starters, Lady Wrigley is falling apart, having been ravished by the forces of time. Netting cannot hold back this erosion forever. A multi-million dollar rennovation has been proposed, but I think the Cubs organization would be better served to spend that money on constructing a brand new, state of the art facillity. As the years go by, Wrigley is only going to continue to require more and more upkeep to maintain it safely. Let's not forget, the building is ninety-five years old. Secondly, there may be tradition at Wrigley, but there is no winning tradition at Wrigley. The Cubs have never won a World Series at the Friendly Confines. I don't believe in curses or any of that nonsense, but Wrigley has certainly seen her fair share of futility over the years. Thirdly, I think that modern facilities can only improve the performance of the team and the experience for the fans.

Of course, the only way that this should happen is if the organization takes it seriously. No mere cookie cutter stadium should or could ever replace Wrigley Field. The design would have to incorporate some of Wrigley's iconic features, such as the bricks, ivy, scoreboard, and red marquee in a way that is a tribute without being a direct imitation or appearing garish. Any new ballpark should be a reflection of the past, with an eye for the present and future. Said ballpark should rival the scope and tradition of our venerable old ballpark while providing modern facilities for the players and fans of today. And by that, I don't mean iPod docks, laptops in the lockers or a Jumbotron and canned music, but modern equipment and training facilities, things that Wrigley sorely lacks. For the fans, better bathrooms and the elimination of the possibility of being brained with a piece of falling debris, along with a concourse that provides heart-stirring views of the field, no matter where you are.

Time marches on, the years slide by and while other teams have changed ballparks several times over, Wrigley has remained. She is a jewel, albeit somewhat of a flawed stone now. Let her go gracefully into the shadows of the past and let the Cubs build a new glittering diamond worthy and reflective of the new century while maintaining a bridge to the franchise's past. Ideally, the new owners could start now, with the hope of completing construction in 2015. As was the case with Yankee Stadium, let the All-Star Game be played one final time at Wrigley Field in 2014, her 100th anniversary, and send the lady out in style. I think any true fan of this team will still continue to support it, regardless of where the team plays. It's time to not just honor traditions of the past, but to create new ones.

"Wrigleyville" Bar Project: Driftwood

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We're here to profile some of the local watering holes around Wrigley, so that you aren't the poor sap who gets dragged into going to the Cubby Bear before the game, wherein you are soon left wondering how your life spiraled out of control so quickly. Tommy Buzanis has pledged to help out with this column, as he is no stranger to the bottle, but you can rest assured that those promises are as empty as his shot glass. So here it is, another sporadically timed, mildly entertaining column that you can only find here at the TMS. Actually you can probably find lots of info on Wrigley bars in a much more concise and helpful format, but that's neither here nor there.

Today’s Bar: Driftwood, 1021 W. Montrose (Okay, fine. This is in Buena Park. Sue me. It's like 4 blocks from my house).

Website: http://www.driftwoodbarchicago.com/

Douchebag Factor: (1-10, with 10 being this guy): Variable, usually between 2-6

Who You’ll See Here: probably between 2-6 other people, a dog or two, and 2-3 junkies spanging on the sidewalk outside.

What to Order: Cheap beer, and a lot of it. I've seen specials on PBR tallboys, Hamm's, and Miller High Life when I've been there. Though I've heard you can get yerself a pretty stiff likker-drink if you'd like.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: I dunno. Somebody that no one would recognize anyway, like a character actor. M. Emmet Walsh or D.B. Sweeney, I guess. Possibly Benji.

Summary: The Driftwood is a bar with a serious identity crisis. It looks like it was originally intended to be a reasonably upscale local watering hole, but the corner of Montrose and Broadway is not a reasonably upscale neighborhood (The four corners are: A Jewel, A Check Cashing place, a crappy Chase that used to be an even crappier Wamu, and a construction lot that used to be a tattoo parlor, and will one day be a Target. One day...). It sells shitty canned beer like it wants to be a hipster-centric dive, but the hipsters are all either further north, south, or west of Buena Park. And despite the photos on the website (and the one above), the place is hardly ever crowded (which is fine by me, because I hate other human beings almost as much as I hate Cardinals fans).

What it loses in identity issues, it more than makes up for in cheap prices and closeness to my house. Plus, despite looking like a hotel bar in an 80s movie, it actually feels like a neighborhood place. Assuming your neighborhood is a mix of 20-something recent college grads with no future, 40-something Bears fans with no present, and 30-something Mexican immigrants that don't talk about their past (and really, really, really like to shoot pool). Best of all, it's dog-friendly. Which means if I want to get wasted, but still know that my dog isn't taking a dump on my bed, the option is there. It really is a decent place to relax, have a beer, and watch the game.

Oh, and there's darts. You know. In case you want to play darts.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 crumpled tall-boys in the construction lot across the street out of a six-pack.