CoY Battle Royale: The Elite Eight

At long last the Battle Royale rages on. Only eight men left standing, soon to be four. For a quick update of what has happened thus far, click the full bracket at right.

A quick refresher on how this works.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well. Most but not necessarily all comments will be published.

The battles will close sometime whenever. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

JOSE CARDENAL REGION FINAL

#1 Keith Moreland vs. #7 Mark Derosa

• Moreland has destroyed his competition thus far making easy work of Brian McRae and Damon Berryhill.
• DeRosa has been a dark horse in the tournament, taking down higher seeds Frank Castillo and Rick Wilkins.

Keith Moreland Facts Review*

• Nicknamed "Zonk".
• Hails from Texas.
• Played with Cubs for 6 years.
• Acquired by the Cubs from the Phillies in December 1981 along with Dan Larsen and Dickie Noles for pitcher Mike Krukow and cash.
• Played C, 1B, 3B, LF and RF during his time in Chicago.
• Once hunted and killed a chupracabra.
• Led the Cubs in 1985 with 106 RBI.
• Inducted in the National College Baseball Hall of Fame.
• Regarding Keith, former teammate Gary Matthews once said, "I don't think I have ever seen a better hitter at the plate when the game is on the line than Keith Moreland."

Mark Derosa Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Valhalla according to some Cubs fans.
• Played with the Cubs for 2 years.
• During those 2 years, Mark played 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, LF, RF and was also a part-time referee for Aramis Ramirez's cockfights.
  
• Mark was signed as a free agent in by the Cubs after having what at the time was a career year with Texas. He came to the Cubs in a head-scratching signing and left the Cubs in a head-scratching trade.
• In 2008, Mark was seventh in the NL with 8 sacrifice flys.
• According to his Baseball Reference similarity scores Mark is most similar to Mike Lamb.
• Married to hot model.

PETE LaCOCK REGION FINAL

#5 Turk Wendell vs. #2 Dwight Smith

• Turk used his quirky antics and persona to beat Kevin Tapani and Kyle Farnsworth thus far.
• Dwight Smith had no problems against Jim Bullinger or Doug Dascenzo because, "Aww shit....you know."

Turk Wendell Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Massachusetts.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Insisted that the umpire roll the ball to the mound rather than simply throw it to him. If an umpire would ignorantly throw the ball to him, Wendell was known to let it go past him, or even to let it bounce off his chest, after which he would retrieve it from the ground.
• Wore a necklace made from the claws and teeth of various animals he had hunted and killed. He was the Ted Nugent of baseball.
• Was incredibly vocal about Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa using steroids.
  
• Beaned Vlad Guerrero in a game once and afterward said, "If he doesn't like it, he can freakin' go back to the Dominican and find another line of work."

Dwight Smith Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from "Awww shit, you know."
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• Batted .324 in 1989 and finished second to teammate Jerome Walton in NL Rookie of the year voting.
  
• Sang the National Anthem before Cubs games during his playing days.
  
• The Billy Dee Williams of baseball.

IVAN DeJESUS REGION FINAL

#5 Joe Borowski vs. #6 Glenallen Hill

• Borowski has profusely sweated his way past Derrick May and Rey Sanchez to make the regional finals.
• Glenallen Hill destroyed his previous two opponents with such ferocity that they have asked to not have their names mentioned any more.

Joe Borowski Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from your local Denny's.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• At age 31 improbably came from nowhere to become a top arm in the Cubs bullpen.
• Converted 33 of 37 saves during epic 2003 season.
• With the Indians, Joe led the AL in 2007 with 45 saves despite posting a 5.07 ERA.

Glenallen Hill Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from the Land of Badass Motherfuckers.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• HE DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NOBODY.
• Hit a HR onto a 5-story apartment complex outside Wrigley Field in 2001.
  
• Was named in the Mitchell Report. It remains his most famous mention in anything ever.
• Not very good on defense; nicknamed "The Juggler" for his defensive ineptitude. Just don't call him that to his face.

PAUL REUSCHEL REGION FINAL

#4 Mike Bielecki vs. #3 Steve Trout

• Bielecki has cruised to victory so far against Luis Salazar and Kevin Foster.
• Trout shutout Ronny Cedeno before outdueling Scott Sanderson with his down-to-earth good looks.

Mike Bielecki Fast Facts Review*

• Played with Cubs for 4 years.
• Shares a birthday with Wesley Snipes and Tim Couch.
• Pedro Guerrero of the Cardinals robbed Bielecki of the first Cubs no-hitter in 19 years with a home run. Mike was a scant 8 outs away from history.
• Won a career high 18 games as a Cub in 1989.
• Traded to the Braves with Damon Berryhill for Yorkis Perez and Turk Wendell.
• Known to hang in the same social circles as Tommy Buzanis.

Steve Trout Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Detroit.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• The last Cub to pitch back-to-back complete game shutouts, which were his last games with the Cubs.
  
• Helped the team reach the playoffs in the oft-heralded 1984 season.
• Was no stranger to the occasional burrito-eating contest.
• This.

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*As always, some of the "Fast Facts" may not be true.

Koyie Hill: 14 Hits & Counting

Koyie Hill has been getting some more playing time as Geovany Soto has continued to struggle at the dish. Which can only mean it's time to remove a few more squares from the board.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:


Two of the nurses present at the surgery reattaching Hill's fingers to his hand got pregnant just from touching Koyie's severed digits. That's how much testosterone Koyie Hill has.

Poor Man's War Hero: Hotel Room Dresser Handles

You're oh so indiscreet, what with your subtle ways. "I'm good to open these drawers you don't really ever need to use," you say.

Oh no, your importance lies far beyond that. While my clothes remained packed tightly in my suitcase I do find myself in quite a predicament of the libation variety. See, I bought some "fancy" beer and unfortunately it's not a twist off.

What's that you say? You can also act as a makeshift bottle opener. Oh the day is saved!

Warning: Rampant solo drinking in hotel rooms during boring business conferences can lead to full hair loss.

Summer Games: Washers

Now that summer is here (almost), it's time to get that itchy shirt off and get outside. This is doubly true in times of Cub woe that we're currently experiencing - we need something to pass the time and dull the pain. Summer Games will examine some classic outside games, carefully choosing ones that lend themselves to shirtless participation and the coexistence of your favorite summer beverage.

Who said all you get in Wisconsin is cheese, beer, sausages, and herpes? Not true. While I can't verify the origin of this game (some signs point to Texas), I learned it from some Wisconsin gentry, so that's what we're sticking with. Washers is another back yard beauty in the realm of Summer Games. It's especially nice for those of y'all in the big cities, where yards and greenspace in general are hard to come by.

Perhaps washers' greatest assest is it's ease of play. You have two wooden, square boxes that measure 16" x 16" and have a 4" PVC pipe in the center. The washers should be 2-1/2" and have a 1" hole in the center. There are plenty of plans online to build your own set that clasp together, making transportation of the game easy as well. The bottom of the box should be lined with a small nap carpeting, or preferably, AstroTurf. This allows some cushioning and will prevent the washers from constantly bouncing out of the box.

Gameplay is easy. The boxes should be set 25' apart from center of cup to center of cup. Each team throws four washers. Starting at or behind the box, you toss the washer. If a washer lands in the box, you get a point, if a washer goes into the cup (in colloquial parlance, "Glory Hole"), you get three points. Rally scoring makes for a quicker game, though "best point" scoring is more apropos for master washer players. Example, if Team A throws two in the box and one in the Glory Hole, and Team B throws one in the box and one in the Glory Hole, Team A is awarded one point.

Quick Hits:

• As shown in the picture, shirtless play is easy and should be encouraged in favorable conditions (over 55 degrees Farenheit).
• 2-1/2" washers don't weigh much at all, so it's a game tailor-made to be played while holding a beverage.
• Easy to play and easy to get the materials to play. Even the smallest towns in Real America have hardware stores.
• Outside of alcohol, wind is really the only factor that can affect gameplay.
• Chad Cordero could not be reached for comment on washers. He was allegedly too busy burning ants with a magnifying glass.

As you can see, washers brings out the competitor and dance machine in people. Still interested? Build your own, dude.

*Please note: man pictured wearing the headband and shirt may or may not be Saloon bartender Dave Thomas.

TMS Beer Project: Löwenbräu

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Löwenbräu

Brewery: Löwenbräu AG Germany
Type: Munich Helles Lager

Receptacle: 33oml bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 10
This is not the shit that Miller brewed in the 70s under the Löwenbräu name. This is the real deal, brewed according to the German "Reinheitsgebot" law. Löwenbräu was the beer that my old man drank while we were stationed in Germany for three years on Ramstein Air Force Base. It's the first beer I remember him letting me taste. (I was probably four or five at the time. We start our youngins off early in my family.) It was good then and it's still good now.

The flavor is smooth with a hint of wheaty goodness for a light, crisp taste. This is not a heavy beer, but it still has a fuller flavor than a light beer. You can taste the hops and it has a bit of a bite to it that I find enjoyable. This is one of my favorite beers to drink, especially with a meal.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6 Like I said above, it's got more body than a light beer, but it's definitely not on the robust side. I could probably drink 7 or 8 of these and not feel bloated.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8 This bad boy boasts a 5.20% ABV, so after three of these the other night I was feeling pretty fine. Of course, after I devoted myself to the Church of V the C, my tolerance levels plummeted faster than GM stock, so I'm probably not the best judge here.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: David Hasslehoff, Rudolf Schenker, a black-eyed Hitler, my old man.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$: I paid $7.99 and tax for my six pack of this stuff, which is why I only buy it on "special" occasions. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find it locally in a twelve pack. It's one of the few beers that I could probably drink more than six of in a single sitting.

Overall: 10
Unlike Chip Wesley, I prefer a light beer, especially since my drinking is usually combined with eating. Löwenbräu is far and away my favorite beer because it's a real easy drinking beer that doesn't sacrifice flavor in the process. I could drink buckets of this stuff. Plus it's got that nice nostalgia factor going for it, as it makes me remember volksmarches and some of the beer halls my parents would go to after during our brief stay in Germany. Put on your lederhosen and drink up.

Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

June 1st - June 7th

Wet Fart of the Week: The Atlanta Braves - I understand why the Braves wanted to call up uber-prospect Tommy Hanson, and honestly, that was probably what was best for the team. That said, to unceremoniously cut Tom Glavine after all he's meant to your organization and after he had done all you could ask for in his rehab starts is kind of a dick move. We haven't witnessed this kind of awkwardness since the Cubs turned their backs on Gracie.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Ubaldo Jimenez, Rockies - After a couple of Oliver Perez-esque starts to begin the season , Ubaldo has quietly settled down to become one of the more reliable young starters in the NL, racking up quality starts in 7 of his last 8 appearances and fanning 66 a-holes in the process. Play up the Coors Effect cliche and you may be able to get him for a case of Fat Tire and an old Cutler jersey.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Daniel Murphy/Ryan Spilborghs, Mets/Rockies - These two honkeys were the trendy late round sleeper picks in most drafts this year, with visions of Nate McLouth dancing through many an owner's head. Instead of McLouth, now they have images of Mark Kotsay grinding up on their wife while they sit head down at a corner table, the taste of vomit and despair fresh in their mouth.

Don't Shortsell Those Bluechip Stocks: Matt Wieters/Tommy Hanson/Gordon Beckham - I don't know much about the stock market, but I do know that if you have a bluechip stock, the last thing you want to do is sell it at a loss if it doesn't perform right out of the gate. The hype/skeet machine was in full effect for Fatty Matty, Touchdown Tommy and Gordon Gecko and thus far, the initial returns have performed like shares of Enron. Buy now from a panicky owner while the price is low and before they go Google.

More Shocking Than the David Gest/Liza Minelli Marraige: Nate McLouth Traded to Braves - Didn't see that one coming. The Braves get an All-Star center fielder in his prime and the Pirates get...more minor leaguers you've never heard of. To be fair, Pirates GM Neil Huntington at least seems to be trying to build something sustainable for the future by adding some much needed depth and talent to what is arguably the major's worst farm system, but trading the face of their beleaguered franchise doesn't seem like the most prudent way to appease the dwindling fanbase. He certainly has some major cojones, but it will take a few years to see if he actually has the brains to go with em'.

Like the Cubs Bullpen, Magnified and on Cocaine: Arizona Diamondbacks - On Sunday, the Diamondbacks bullpen had a game for, if not the record books, at least the trivia books. In an 18 inning debacle of a game where the D-Backs blew a 6-0 lead, including serving up a game tying 3-run home run to David Eckstein (!) in the 9th, the Rattlers settled down to the tune of 9 innings of no-hit ball to close out their 9-6 victory. I can't decide if that speaks more to the D-backs dominance or the Padres ineptitude, but I'll take the latter for $100 Alex.

The Consistently Underrated Award: Roy Halladay, Blue Jays - Seriously with this guy. I know he gets the obligatory Cy Young votes every year, but it still seems like he's still overlooked when people talk about the top pitchers in the game. Maybe it's because he's stuck up in Canada, drinking Labatt's with Lyle Overbay and watching Canadian Idol under the covers with Cito Gaston's wife. Who knows? The guy is legit, he's a throwback and he had a beard way before it was cool.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Clint Barmes, Rockies - 455 OBP, 7RBI, middle finger to Chip Wesley
Ian Stewart, Rockies - 12/23, 4HR, 12RBI
Prince Fielder, Brewers - .533OBP, 8R, 3HR
Jonathan Broxton, Dodgers - 2SV, 1W, 8K
Roy Halladay, Blue Jays - 2W, 20K, 0.83 WHIP
Matt Holliday, A's - 10/24, 7R, 9RBI
Matt Capps, Pirates - 3IP, 3SV, 0.00ERA
Gavin Floyd, White Sox - 13 2/3 IP, 15K, 1.98ERA

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

John Hanrahan - Loses closer job...for the Nationals...for a second time!
Matt Wieters, Orioles - 2/17, OHR, 0RBI
Jeremy Guthrie, Orioles- 2/3 IP, 6ER, OK
Chad Qualls, Diamondbacks - 1 2/3 IP, 10.80 ERA, 1 blown save, 1 blown guy
Russell J Martin, Dodgers - 1/18, 0R, 0RBI, sweet French name
Jimmy Rollins, Phillies - 6/31, 3R, 1RBI

CoY Battle Royale Results: Trout and Glenallen continue to obliterate everyone in their paths

The matches in the DeJesus and Reuschel regions have concluded and thus completing the second round of battles. Here are the latest results.

Joe Borowski defeats Rey Sanchez 19-9
How? How does Sweaty Joe keep winning?

Glenallen Hill defeats Les Lancaster 23-6
No matter I guess as Sweaty Joe will face the unstoppable force of Glenallen in the quarterfinals.

Mike Bielecki defeats Kevin Foster 19-9

Steve Trout defeats Scott Sanderson 24-5
Bielecki and Trout will duel in the quarterfinals.

Here were some comments for this round of battles:

• Joe Borowski because he was 'workmanlike'. Glenallen Hill because otherwise he'd kick my ass. Kevin Foster because I don't remember much about the other guy. Steve "Rainbow" Trout because he was a lefty like me.

• I bet you a dead Kevin Foster could pitch better than a "live" Kevin Gregg. Too soon?

• You gotta go with Sweaty Joe. And yes, I write jingles for a living. NOTE: Does not actually write jingles. Also, I'm going to vote for Sanderson because as a child I liked that fact that Sandberg, Sundberg, and Sanderson were all on the same team and looked vaguely similar. It was like they were separated at birth, but the abducting families felt bad enough about it that they gave them similar names.

• I'll take Rey Sanchez over Sweaty Joe any day. I'm still too frightened of Glenallen Hill to vote against him. Kevin Foster was probably one of, if not the best pitchers on the Cubs teams of his era. That fact alone should make present day Cub fans happy we have the likes of Fat Z, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden, Randy Wells, and Sean Marshall.

• Steve Trout looks like the guys on To Catch a Predator who show up at the house with McDonald's, Smirnoff, and a 30-pack of condoms.

• Steroids or no, Glenallen's ridongulous homerun gets him my vote. Sorry Les, you would have leveled Sanchez or Borowski this round, but holy hell, Frankenstein *destroyed* that ball. ~Wolter

• Trout will swim upstream with all these fools!

Thanks again to all that took part and check back next week for the quarterfinals and semifinals

Thunderwatch 2009: Murton Sent Down Again

Once again, the Ginger Jesus returns to the minor leagues as the Rockies called up future phenom Carlos Gonzalez. Thunder Matt hit .267 with 6 RBIs in the 22 games he was allowed to play at the big league level. He also smoked a home run off of the Big Unit, who just won game number 300 last night.

Unfortunately for Matt, he keeps getting traded to clubs with a glut of outfielders. I fully expect his next stop to be the Texas Rangers. Hopefully, we'll see Murton in the majors again, but for now we'll have to be satisfied with watching Southern Thunder Matt do his thing with the Rays. Could the Rays use another outfielder? How awesome would it be to see a Thunder-Thunder tandem in the Tampa Bay outfield? Ah, dreams.

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute: The Hangover

The Hangover

In Theatres: Friday, June 5th

IMDB Cribbed Synopsis: A Las Vegas-set comedy centered around three groomsmen who lose their about-to-be-wed buddy during their drunken misadventures, then must retrace their steps in order to find him.

If Only Real Life Hangovers Were This Funny...

Review: The Hangover is a hard movie to review. In my efforts to come up with creative ways to describe this wacky, wiener tingling Vegas romp, my mind begins to wander and I inevitably get the urge to start quoting it as opposed to reviewing it. So in other words, The Hangover is as imminently quotable as it looks. (And like Anchorman and Borat before it, this quoting will probably get ridiculously old after a while, yet guys like this will press on well after the expiration date.)

Unlike "Apatow comedies", which mix in heart and soul with their raunch, The Hangover is pretty much all cock and balls. Sometimes literally. Part Old School (directed by the same guy)and part Wedding Crashers, the film's plot isn't even worth going into and probably best summed up with a seemingly random string of words and phrases: bachelor party, tiger, stolen baby, missing tooth, blackjack, Mike Tyson, public urination, gay Chinese mobsters, Rain Man, tasers, Holocaust rings, breastfeeding and beards. If you've ever experienced any of these (and who hasn't had a run in or two with a gay Chinese mobster?), then you'll probably love The Hangover.

As an avowed Zach Galifianakis fanboy, I really enjoyed his dumb-guy schtick and the esoteric and bizarre air that he brought to the proceedings. Ed Helms is classic as the whipped nerdy guy and Bradley Cooper does a fine job playing essentially a poor man's Vince Vaughn. Add to that a host of funny, recognizable bit players and over-the-top set pieces and you've got your recipe for a not at all subtle summer comedy that delivers on it's lofty promise.

As I saw this in a packed theatre, where the laughter was as contagious as a case of Vegas herpes, one has to wonder if the film will carry the same oomph when watching it for the 3rd time on DVD over a glass of Chablis and some nice Gruyère cheese. Which, come to think of it, is probably why you should see it in the theatre. Much like Drag Me to Hell, this may not be the best movie you'll see this year, but it will certainly be one of the most, if not the most, enjoyable ones on a gut level. Busting a gut never felt so wrong, but oh so right.

*Make sure to stay for the credits, which contain the best parts of the whole movie, including an image that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Thunder Matt Rating: 69 Dead Vegas Hookers out of 5

The Gist: Game #Something or other, Cubs win in extras

That's how you win in extras. It was as if they tried to play a redo of last night's debacle that ended with a loss in the 12th, Randy Wells still searching for his first major league win despite pitching better than Jesus, and thousands of Cubs fans already packed on the train to DOOMsville meeting in the dining car for a mass cutting party (B.Y.O.Razor Blades of course).

Tonight saw Ted Lilly pitch like a champ and more importantly the bullpen held shit down for the Cubs offense to finally put another run on the board. Don't look now but Angel Guzman is becoming one of our most reliable relievers.

Random Notes:

• Seriously, I know Lou doesn't call for the bunt a lot but holy shit can SOMEONE properly lay one down? Two straight nights with a bunt pop out to the pitcher is downright Neifi-esque.

• I understand a lot of Cubs fans show up to Turner Field but could WGN/CSN not show the biggest douchebags on the planet whenever they pan to the crowd for someone in a Cubs jersey? I've seen more guys with gold chains, tattoos and mullets than at a Skynyrd concert. Southern Cub Fan is the Stephen Baldwin of the Cubs fan family.

• Chipper Jones can die of AIDS any time now. Maybe Michael Stipe can pour some on him.

• Whatever happened to actress Moira Kelly? Remember her from 'The Cutting Edge' and 'With Honors'? I always found her oddly attractive.

• Micah Hoffpauir with the game winning hit, and against a lefty no less! Now if we could just teach him what a glove is used for. Him and Jake Fox both.

• BOBBY SCALES! Now more than ever.

• Pirates fans are mourning the loss of Nate McLouth in the latest trade for prospects. Well I guess he was shipped out sooner than previous guys like Jason Bay or Brian Giles. Someday Pittsburgh will be good again and have the ability to retain their star players. Whether that happens in my lifetime......well?

• First movie I watched on my new BluRay player: "The Fugitive". Yeah maybe it's not a true HD film or whatever but that flick still kicks ass. Harrison Ford did his own stunts in that shit. He needs a War Hero written about him at some point. Right after I get around to that War Hero: Hal Needham I suspect.

That's all I know for now. Rockies in 6!

CoY Battle Royale: Round 2, DeJesus and Reuschel Regions

The Cubs of Yore Battle Royale rages on with more Round 2 action. Today we kick off matches in the Ivan DeJesus and Paul Reuschel regions.

You can catch all the past battle excitement here.

IVAN DeJESUS REGION, ROUND 2

#1 Rey Sanchez vs. #5 Joe Borowski

• Sanchez defeated Ricky Gutierrez 12-11 in the first round.
• Borowski defeated Derrick May in the first round.
• I have nothing more to say about these two.
  

#6 Glenallen Hill vs. #2 Les Lancaster

• Hill whooped Scott Servais' ass 19-4 in first round.
• Lancaster beat Dave Martinez in first round.
• Lancaster's win may be more from folks not knowing who Dave Martinez was.
  
• Glenallen Hill's afro also beat Scott Servais 13-10 in a side battle.
  

PAUL REUSCHEL REGION, ROUND 2

#8 Kevin Foster vs. #4 Mike Bielecki

• Foster upset #1 Corey Patterson 20-3 in first round.
• Bielecki beat Luis Salazar in first round.

#3 Steve Trout vs. #2 Scott Sanderson

• Trout shutout Ronny Cedeno 23-0 in first round.
• Sanderson beat Jacque Jones 20-3 in first round.
• Steve Trout's face will haunt your dreams.
  

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

Summer Games: Bocce Ball

Now that summer is here (almost), it's time to get that itchy shirt off and get outside. This is doubly true in times of Cub woe that we're currently experiencing - we need something to pass the time and dull the pain. Summer Games will examine some classic outside games, carefully choosing ones that lend themselves to shirtless participation and the coexistance of your favorite summer beverage.

Sometimes the "old man" games are the best. And really, why shouldn't they be? If the games have been around for more than 100 years, obviously something is working. This certainly applies to Bocce Ball. The game itself is easy. It can be one on one or you can play two-man teams. Initially, a small ball is thrown out onto the surface. This is called the jack (or the pallino, mark, or the pea). Each team has two or four balls to throw, the goal being to get your bocce balls closest to the jack. You can roll them, bowl them, or lob them. If the other team has a ball close or on the jack, you can bowl your ball and knock it away. The closest ball gets a point, and the team with the closest ball gets the opportunity to throw the jack to start the next round. Games can be set by time or by score. You can look at a more formal explanation of the rules here. The Hundley always plays to eleven - that's why God gave you 10 fingers and a penis.*

The surface on which you play is up for argument. Purists will claim that it must be played on crushed oyster shells on a court that measures a certain area, measured in meters. We here at Thunder Matt are much more forgiving. Mark the court out with anything handy (empty bottles or cans work great). As a guess, I'd say roughly 15' x 40'. After you throw a few balls, you'll get a feel for if the distance is too much or not enough. You can play it on grass, the beach, even a dirt lot (though this will be much harder).

Quick facts:

• Shirtless play is easily accessible, and should in fact be encouraged. It's a well known fact that you look sexy playing shirtless Bocce Ball, and there is no better way to perfect your summer tan.
• Athletic ability is not a must. Let's not kid ourselves, you're tossing, rolling, and bowling balls that weigh a few pounds. Hand eye coordination obviously helps, but as it becomes inebriated, a new level of fun/skill is added to the game.
• A beverage is easily accessible. Christ, you could even have one in your hand the entire game.
• It's a relatively cheap game. You can pick up a Bocce Ball set for about thirty bones. That's two trips to the plasma center and that baby's yours, AND you get drunk quicker and cheaper.
• Ease of play errs to the simple end. So easy, even Chad Cordero could play.

Boom! There you go. Get a cooler and bocce ball set and you're good to go; you've got a mobile party. Watch Chaim Witz bowl with the grace of a swan.

* This obviously does not apply to Antonio Alfonseca and Koyie Hill

"A Team Full Of Outlaws"

... or so the Cubs were dubbed last week by Paul Sullivan of the Tribune.

And I for one, embrace this image. If I can't root for a winning team, at least I can root for an entertaining (and not a little scary one). And let's face it, a team where Ted Lilly, a man who allegedly got into a fistfight with his manager, doesn't even make most fans Top 3 Cubs Hotheads list, is bound to be entertaining.

But outlaws? Well...I suppose if you really want make this judgment, then I suppose the only right way to do it is to compare the Cubs to the True Barometer of All Things Outlaw: 1970s Country.

Well, that's easier said than done, mister. Unless you're one of those responsible-type bloggers who does their research and writes in a timely manner. Which I clearly am not.

But I suppose I should actually earn my keep here, so here goes:

Waylon Jennings
Waylon is one of the true giants of the Outlaw movement, with a solid musical resume and a bad-boy image that belied his down-to-earth nature. So who better than Milton Bradley to personify this? A man with a solid pedigree of above average ballplaying mixed with some rather public moments of...hold it...I'm being informed that I should probably not talk too much about Milton. I might make him angry....

Willie Nelson
Willie is an outlaw in spirit, but his laid back, easygoing (read: stoned) demeanor doesn't fit this current spate of umpire run-ins very well. However, his past run-ins with the IRS and his support for a controversial position on marijauna legalization remind me of a relatively laid back and softspoken Cub with a controversial position on chickens pecking each other to death: Aramis Ramirez. Expect Aramis to appear in Stephen Colbert's manger scene next year, prize rooster in hand.

Johnny Cash
A hipster favorite, even though his true outlaw days were far before this time, Cash is a difficult one to pin down as a Cub. Based on the fact that in the 1970s, Cash was entering a decline that lasted some time, I'm going to cheat and say that it's Derrek Lee. Lee used to be a very good (and for a year, elite) player, and once almost landed a punch on Chris Young (that's like going to Starkville County Jail for picking flowers, I guess). Let's just hope Rick Rubin can engineer a comeback for Lee soon.

Johnny Paycheck
Now here's a real wildman. Paycheck had an awesome run of raw edgy honky-tonk classics in the late 60s, but flew under the mainstream radar until he re-invented himself as an outlaw. And late in his career, Paycheck ended up serving a couple of years in prison for shooting a man in a scuffle. Ted Lilly spent several years as a solid but relatively unnoticed pitcher before reinventing himself as a psychopath for the Cubs blogosphere. And Lilly will no doubt serve a few years in prison if anyone finds the bodies...

Kris Kristofferson
Kristofferson has always been the thinking man's country musician. It's not a well-known fact, but Kristofferson is a Rhodes scholar with a Masters' in English from Oxford. No. Really. He is. But he still manages to exude a sort of gruff, good-ol-boy air that gives him an authentic bad-boy feel. Now, if Greg Maddux was still a Cub, I'd assign him Kristofferson in a second. But since he isn't, the closest thing we have to intellectuals on the team are...well, the Canadians...I guess. I'm putting Ryan Dempster in this role, because Harden is clearly a robot.

David Allan Coe
Now here's where it gets fun. David Allan Coe is immensely talented, immensely self-destructive, and you never know just how much of his crazy is a put-on and how much is just...because there's no doubt he's insane - it's just to what degree? After being released from prison, Coe put out a couple of strange, poetic, blues based art albums about the prison-industrial complex and being a young man in America, then wrote some of the tenderest country love ballads ever. Later he put out two of the most racist and offensive country albums ever made. He's dressed in a mask and rhinestones, in Nudie suits and huge belt buckles, and (most recently) like the scariest white-trash biker grandpa in history. If there is anyone else than Carlos Zambrano who fits this mold, I'd like to hear it.

Merle Haggard
Lou Piniella. I will brook no argument.

George Jones
Like Merle and Cash, he's not technically "Outlaw" country at all, but his carousing days certainly put him on this list. But not as a Cub. His legendary drunken exploits behind the wheel put him squarely in St. Louis, most likely as resident "jeenyus," Tony LaRussa.

Okay, I'm stretching this concept to the breaking. See you in 3 months, when I write my next TMS feature. Special thanks to my fellow bartender Dave Thomas for the photoshop.