Saloon Jukebox Featured Song

Muse - "Exo-Politics"

"Exo-Politics", a great album cut off of Muse's brilliant Black Holes & Revelations, is a decidedly upbeat song given the fact that the lyrics seem to be about political corruption, conjuring up images of men in trench coats in dark alleys; exactly the sort of visuals displayed on the screens at a Muse concert. But really now, aren't all rock bands taking abstract political jabs these days? Perhaps it's best not to think about it so much, and just enjoy this song for the killer riff and soaring chorus.

The Gist: Game #28

Been a while since we had a Gist. To say we're inconsistent would be an understatement.

Ted Lilly wasn't exactly lights-out tonight, but he put in a yeoman's effort, allowing two runs in six innings. His command was spotty early on, and Miguel Tejada, Manny Ramirez's performance enhancing brother-in-arms, light Lilly up with a two-run homer and a sharp double. But hey, at least he wasn't Russ Ortiz. Remember this guy? The ace of the Giants staff during their World Series run in 2002? Not so effective, pitching only two and a third innings. Needless to say it was a long night for the Houston bullpen.

Soriano jacked two home runs, one of which came in their four-run eighth inning. At the time, those insurance runs made it an 8-2 Cubs advantage. Chad Fox and his bionic arm entered to shut things down in the bottom of the ninth. Things did not go smoothly, as he allowed three runs in only one-third of an inning. Kevin Gregg came in to preserve the game, causing Cub fans across the nation to sweat. Fortunately he was able to seal the deal, capping off the game with a strikeout of Lance Berkman, who chalked up the elusive Golden Sombrero.

Gist on Ice: Canucks 1 Hawks 2

I think I just had a fucking heart-attack. A scoreless first period, a Canucks nobody scoring a goal in the second that holds up until Marty Havlat finally pushes one past Roberto Luongo with 2-fuckin'-44 left in the third. Sudden death overtime-Khabibulin stops three quick shots in a row, Hawks take the puck and Davey Bolland puts a perfect pass on the stick of Andrew Ladd, who puts it in the net, scoring 2:52 in OT. Slow deep breaths. Series returns to Vancouver Saturday night, tied at two apiece. Christ, I love this goddamn game!

War Criminal: Manny Ramirez

Let's make sure we're all on the same page.

• Accosting an elderly man. Check.
• Giving up on your team. Check.
• Letting another man (Scott Boras) dictate your life and your happiness. Check.
• Use of women's fertility drugs. Check.

Hey, it's just Manny being Manny. What a complete ass-hat.

Thunderwatch 2009: Murton Goes Yard!

STATUS: BRINGING THE THUNDER

Finally! Last night Thunder Matt hit his first MLB home run since 'Nam. The single run shot came in the 5th inning off Randy Johnson.

Of course this means we get to add the Big Unit's mug to the Thunder Matt Trophy Room. Since it's been nearly two years since I've had to add a new plaque I wasn't able to locate the old template I used. So instead I've created a new plaque that will be used from now on.

I know, classy huh?

Saloon Jukebox Featured Song

KISS - "Shandi"

Coming off the album Unmasked, which brought to a halt the ill-conceived yet ironically successful KISS 'disco-era' (consisting of this failed album and the underrated Dynasty), "Shandi" is an exercise in pop songwriting slathered in '80's production cheese. Stripped down, it's a catchy little ditty, and to this day the band sometimes breaks out an acoustic version when touring Australia, where it went to #10 on the pop charts. For more stripped down KISS disco, check out "Sure Know Something" off of KISS Unplugged, which is one of the best versions of a KISS song ever.

Fun fact: On Unmasked, drummer Peter Criss, while technically still in the band, was so out of it that all of the drums are actually played by Late Show with David Letterman drummer Anton Fig.

Yesterday's Cubs Game: Worst Lineup Ever?

1. Joey Gathright, CF
2. Aaron Miles, SS
3. Kosuke Fukudome, RF
4. Derrek Lee, 1B
5. Micah Hoffpauir, LF
6. Mike Fontenot, 3B
7. Bobby Scales, 2B
8. Koyie Hill, C
9. Sean Marshall, P

Yeah, that's not making any team poop their pants in fear, but yesterday Bad Kermit from Hire Jim Essian! made the claim on Facebook that it was the worst Cubs starting lineup in recent memory. I responded saying that surely there were some Dustyball gems from 2006 that could beat that. He came back with links to 3 different box scores from '06 that had some pretty bad lineups. How they stack up against yesterday is anyone's argument. Of the 3 this one stood out most as being the crappiest.

Cubs vs. Brewers, 9-26-06
1. Juan Pierre, CF
2. Ryan Theriot, 2B
3. Jacque Jones, RF
4. Matt Murton, LF
5. John Mabry, 1B
6. Henry Blanco, C
7. Scott Moore, 3B
8. Ronny Cedeno, SS
9. Sean Marshall, P

Look I love Thunder Matt more than the next guy but batting him cleanup? I guess he did go 3-3 that day with 2 doubles and 2 beanballs (Clearly Milwaukee was intimidated by his double-hitting prowess). In fact the Cubs put up 14 runs that day thanks mainly to horrible pitching from Carlos Villanueva, Geremi Gonzalez, and Derrick Turnbow.

What do you think? Was yesterday the worst lineup you recall seeing in recent years? How about ever? Please share your thoughts and terrible lineups in the comments.

Saloon Jukebox Featured Song

Radiohead - "Palo Alto"

This is a song from the Airbag/How Am I Driving EP released in the wake of OK Computer. The EP is a mixture of grinding guitar rock, and the more ambiguous and instrumental melodies that would be a precursor to their follow up album, Kid A. Despite only being an EP, the record was nominated for a Grammy in the Best Alternative Music Performance category in 1999.

On a side note, if you are having trouble playing the songs in the sidebar, please visit www.lala.com and sign up for an account. It is quick and painless, and Lala offers you a web-based solution for uploading and streaming your music collection from anywhere (most importantly your place of employment).

Blogging About Blogging About Not Blogging, Part 2

Or, "This Isn't Working, But If I Talk About How Talking About It Not Working Isn't Working...It Just Might Work."

When last we met me, I was remembering how I came up with the idea to write about the sheer genius of Iron Maiden's Powerslave album vs. the sheer Power of Apples. And then I promptly passed out in a haze of "inspiration."

Which brings me to:

12:11 PM, Tuesday, May 5th:
After microwaving my lunch and sitting down to start composing the next chapter in this masterpiece, I decide how to begin this, and end up settling on:

1:24 PM, Monday, May 4th:
I give the following update to my fellow bartenders: "I ran out of lunch time. This will be at least a 2-parter.

Also, it probably makes no damn sense. "

I shortly receive this response:

1:26 PM, Monday, May 4th
Brant Brown: "Jon, brevity is a virtue."

I immediately snark back. This devolves into one of our numerous pissing matches (I think he is trying to haze me or something). Nothing witty is said on either side, so I will not recount it here, and only mention it as a bit of local color (and proof that it was my negative attitude that killed Pomp Culture not some "editorial decision," as the press release stated).

3:00 PM, Monday, May 4th:
Part 1 is published according to schedule and meets with the following critical response:

3:03 PM, Monday, May 4th:
Jordi: "My personal guideline:

The Serious Tip: 500 words or more
all other blogs: 300 words
Less than 144 characters: I'm Twittering that bitch" That's right. Jordi even pushes his blog in our private conversations. What a whore. Wait: don't tell him I said that, though. He will totally suplex me.

3:10 PM, Monday, May 4th:
Brant Brown: "Jon, I don't care for the direction of your post, but I do appreciate you working in the Tyler Perry quandary." I take this as the effusive compliment it clearly is.

3:41 PM, Monday, May 4th:
Chaim Witz: "Jon, though that post may not be fully appreciated until well after you've passed on from this Earth (quite possibly at the calloused hands of Brant Brown), let me be the first to recognize the tortured genius that emanates from those disjointed words. " I am momentarily flattered, then realize that Chaim also thinks the finest work of Western Literature is the 1970s KISS Adventures comic book, because "it uses real KISS blood in the red ink. Let's see Tolstoy do that."

6:41 PM, Monday, May 4th:
In our comments section, Nick V states "It took a few minutes to realize what you were talking about Wolter, but by the end I chuckled" By the end he chuckled. Exactly the response I wanted! Emboldened, I renew my vow to finish this, come hell or high water.

12:31 PM, Tuesday, May 5th:
I sit back for a minute and try to remember where the hell I was going with this. Oh yeah:

1:01 PM, Monday, May 4th:
I write something to this effect before stopping:

3:03 AM, Monday, May 4th:
I totally pass the hell out drunk, thinking I had a great idea for a blog post. (I am paraphrasing here).

12:35 PM, Tuesday, May 5th:
I'm back on track!

6:48 AM, Monday, May 4th:
Oh god. Is that my cell phone alarm? Jesus Christ! I need to get up and go to work...holy god, my mouth tastes like country fried ass. Why do I do this to myself...

This goes on for some time, until...

10:13 AM, Monday, May 4th:
I step out of a near-endless staff meeting, still haggard and not-a-little-hung-over, yet determined to write the best possible blog entry on my lunch break.

10:16 AM, Monday, May 4th:
I realize that Powerslave vs. Powersauce is the stupidest idea I've ever had. Even stupider than those damn NES reviews.

10:18 AM, Monday, May 4th:
The following idea passes through my brain and is quickly discarded:

Iron Maiden:


vs.

...THE IRON SHEIK

Again, Jordi would totally nail me if I didn't fact-check this one.

10:37 AM, Monday, May 4th:
I come close to googling pictures of Iron Chef before banging my head on the desk in frustration. Bad idea, as it re-activates my fading hangover.

10:53 AM, Monday, May 4th:
I hit a spark of inspiration, moments after I nix a plan to write about the incredibly awesome religious NES game Exodus (in which one plays Moses and Smites Pagans With the Power of the Lord). That one will come back. Trust me.

The plan is simple: I will write a "behind the scenes" look at how one of my posts comes to be. The only problem is: I don't have any good recent posts that I could possible remember the conception of. But I always say "when life gives you lemons, make crap up until you've filled the blue book." So I decide to write about the fact that I'm writing about the fact that I'm not writing anything at all. And by using dates, times, blockquotes, and different fonts, I can make a silly and pointless verbal puzzle that will both confuse and annoy all readers, while still making some semblance of sense if the reader wastes the time reading it.

And if anyone questions it...I'll say it's postmodern!

Armed with this confidence, I get back to doing my actual job until my lunch break.

12:54 PM, Tuesday, May 5th
I check the original entry again to make sure I know what the hell I'm talking about before starting to wrap this up:

12:11 PM, Monday, May 4th:
I begin typing the following:

I am not a prolific blo

...before spilling hot soup on my desk.

Saloon Jukebox Featured Song

Jeff Beck - "Shapes of Things"

This was originally a Beck-era Yardbirds song back in 1966. Beck re-imagined it for his 1968 album Truth, in more of the psychadelic rock flavor of the times. Who is that on lead vocals you might ask? Why it's none other than Rod Stewart, who lent his pipes the Jeff Beck group in 1968-9 for two albums. Ronnie Wood, who would later move on with a little group called the Rolling Stones also played with Beck during this time. Last month, Jeff Beck was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Blogging About Blogging About Not Blogging, Part 1

Or, "The Making of "The Making Of "Iron Maiden vs. [TBD]"""

I am not a prolific blogger.

There. I said it.

Some would theorize that the reason behind this is that I am simply lazy. Others might say that, when I do write, I pour so much of my heart, soul, and limited html programming skills into it that I'm bound to put out less posts than most. The latter group is being charitable. I'm pretty damn lazy.

I note that it has been ages since my last post here, and that was a list post. Ugh. Shame on me. Well, actually, shame on Neal Cotts. What a turd he is.

But I digress.

Anyway, one thing I think I can provide to the TMS reader is a free peek behind the scenes at TMS - what makes us tick, how we come up with what we do. And an that note, maybe I can give you a look inside the process of how looking into our process has affected me, both as a TMS bartender, and as a man.

And the best way to do that is a diary of my thoughts about the diary of the events that shape a typical blog entry on TMS:

11:47 AM, Monday, May 4th
I decide I should probably write that "Behind the Scenes at TMS" blog entry, as my lunch time is fast approaching. I then realize that I need to get something to eat.

12:10 PM, Monday, May 4th
A quick trip downstairs for a Coke and to the kitchen to microwave my soup, and I'm ready to begin. I start thinking about the events I'm going to have to recall to make this blog make sense...first I need to start remembering when the idea for a blog post about writing a blog post first came to me, then I'll have to OH HOLY CRAP!

12:13 PM, Monday, May 4th
I finish cleaning the hot soup off my desk, and get back to writing. I decide to start back last week, when Brant Brown was being a total Nazi about the "Gists," and my lack of particiaption in them. I begin to type:

Sometime Last Week
Brant Brown starts being a total Nazi about the "Gists," and my lack of participation in them.

I then look at that and realize that's a crappy thing to say and decide to cut that part. I decide a better place to begin is to start is my growing realization that I have not been adding much to the TMS landscape lately. I modify my statement:

Sometime Last Week
I begin to realize that I have not been adding much to the TMS landscape lately.

11:32 PM, Saturday, May 2:
Brant Brown writes: "Mookie. Write 200 words on how Tyler Perry's "House of Payne" differs from Tyler Perry's "Meet the Browns". Due Monday, via TMS post." [Note: Brant has taken to calling me "Mookie Blaylock," probably because he's bitter that I'm able to blog under my own name, whereas his real name (Perez Hilton), has apparently already been taken].

2:54 AM, Sunday, May 3:
I respond: "Perez: No." But the need to write something soon festers.

12:23 PM, Monday, May 4:
I realize that I should probably mention my current mental state, as a way of explaining this entry. I take a second to find the right phrasing, then type:

7:30 PM, Sunday, May 3:
I attend my fiancee's graduation from her acting conservatory.

9:36 PM, Sunday, May 3:
The word goes out that everyone is leaving the after-graduation reception to get a few drinks at Brehon Pub. I tell my fiancee, "You can stay out as late as you want tonight, but I'm want to be home and in bed by 11:00, because I have to work tomorrow."

1:17 AM, Monday, May 4:
I do a shot of Jameson's with all of the members of her graduating class that are still upright.

12:30 PM, Monday, May 4:
I stop to reflect on my hangover for a moment.

12:52 PM, Monday, May 4:
I remember what I was doing with this blog, and start writing about the moment I remember that I haven't written jack and/or squat on TMS for some time.

2:47 AM, Monday, May 4:
I decide that I need to write a TMS post. But about what? I think about maybe getting up to play a little NES, but someone apparently set the room to "spin," so I decide against it.

2:55 AM, Monday, May 4:
I have a brainstorm. Mentally, I begin typing out the following Genius Idea:

Powerslave....

vs.

Powersauce!

3:03 AM, Monday, May 4:
Satisfied with this incalculably brilliant concept, I drift into a dreamless slumber.

1:02 PM, Monday, May 4:
I realize that I need to stop writing this, as my lunch break is over. I decide to continue writing this one later, and break this entry into multiple parts. The next part will commence with my morning-after second thoughts about this formerly "incalculably brilliant" post idea. It will also include the angry responses from other bartenders that this entry will no doubt provoke.

End of Part 1.

Tune in tomorrow (no really) for the continuation of this in-depth look into my thoughts about my thoughts about something no one cares about,. Unless I am murdered by my fellow bartenders before I can finish it.

Fernando's Musings from the Taqueria

Week Ending 5/3

Wet Fart of the Week: Cleveland Indians - Everyone's perennial sleeper picker in the AL Central (think Arizona Cardinals, but without the payoff), the Indians have once again gotten off to a tough start at 9-16, good for last place in a division that is more mediocre than a post/9-11 U2 studio album. The hitting is there, but after Cliff Lee, the pitching is a real travesty. Any time you have Carl Pavano on the payroll (as a #3 starter none-the-less), you can't expect to be taken seriously.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Raul Ibanez, Phillies - Not so much a sleeper as he is just criminally overlooked and underrated, Ibanez is finally getting some ink now that he's out of Seattle and driving in runs in Philly, where people actually pay attention. He's no spring chicken, but with 8HR, 21 R, 21 RBI and even 3SB so far, who cares how old he is? He puts up numbers year in and year out and with half of his games in Citizens Bank Park instead of Safeco, expect a solid uptick across the board.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Oliver Perez, Mets - The talented yet maddeningly inconsistent NY lefty has finally shed the 'high risk/high reward label' that has followed him for years. Alas, the new label seems to be 'high risk/no reward'. In years past, you could at least count on him to sprinkle in a few gems to go along with his burrito farts. This year, with his unsightly 9.96 ERA and a 20BB:21K ratio, he's been the baseball equivalent of the Swine Flu. Time for a change of underpants Ollie.

I Just Drafted Brandon Inge: Brandon Inge, Tigers - A few months back, Chip Wesley's Gmail accidentally sent all of the TMS bartenders the message "I just drafted Brandon Inge" multiple times. Suffice it to say, we beat this "you had to be there" joke into the ground like only we can. Well, Mr. Inge appears to have gotten the last laugh on all of us (and Gmail) so far this year. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B.

Running With the Devil: Dexter Fowler and Carl Crawford - Taking exception to me calling the stolen base a lost art in last week's column, young buck Dexter Fowler of the Colorado God Squad went out and stole 5 bases to start off the week. Not to be outdone, Carl Crawford of the Devil Rays gave Dexter a bit of rookie hazing by upping the ante with 6 stolen bases on Sunday. Devil 1, God 0. Today, I lament the lost art of throwing out baserunners.

The Best Ian at His Craft Since Ziering: Ian Kinsler, Rangers - Ian Kinsler doesn't give a S-H-I-T. In a lineup filled with bomb hitting Chippendales (Kinsler, Young, Hamilton, Cruz, and C. Davis would make quite the bare-chested troupe!), Kinsler has the biggest package of them all. 9 HR, 25 RBI and 7 SB? Also while you were reading this, he just had sex with your spouse and pleasured her more than you ever will.

Enjoy It While It Lasts - Blue Jays, Royals, Mariners - Those 3 teams, and not the Red Sox, Twins or Angels are leading their respective divisions right now. While we applaud all three teams on their improved play and gutty performances, we don't expect any of them to keep up the pace. We applaud their courage and extend a hearty handshake and some small parting gifts, which include a 'I Was Ast-Raped in 88' t-shirt and one of Tommy Buzanis' old phone cards that still has like 6 minutes left on it.

Zack, Zack, He's a Shutout Maniac - Zack Greinke, Royals - 36 IP and only 2 ER for this quiet cat. Dating back to last year, he went 38 IP without giving up a run and that streak was finally broken when he gave up an unearned run. His performance has doubtlessly earned him plenty of clubhouse noogies and "atta boys".

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Dan Haren, Diamondbacks - 2 W, 21 K, 1.59 ERA
Justin Verlandar, Tigers - 2 W, 20K, 0.64 ERA
Mike Fontenot, Cubs - 3HR, 7RBI, 1SB
Johnny Cueto, Reds - 15IP, 1W, 0.60 ERA
Evan Longoria, Rays - 2HR, 14RBI, 9R
Trevor Hoffman, Brewers - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 5K
Brian Wilson, Giants - 3SV, 7K, 1.93 ERA
Jose Guillen, Royals - 3HR, 10RBI, .500 AVG
Jorge Cantu, Marlins - 4HR, 14RBI, .433 OBP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Jose Reyes, Mets - 1/21, 1R, 1RBI
Mark Teixeria, Yankees - 2/22, 0HR, 0RBI
Travis Snider, Blue Jays - 2/23, 1R, 1RBI
Nationals Bullpen - Swine Flu + that disease from 28 Days Later
Dan Uggla, Marlins - 3/20, OHR, OR
Carlos Marmol, Cubs- 3.1IP, 13.50 ERA, 3.00 WHIP
Rich Harden, Cubs - 3.2IP, 6H, 4BB, 5ER
Ryan Ludwick, Cardinals - 2/19, 2RBI, .150 OBP
Ty Wigginton, Astros - 2/17, OR, 2RBI

Saloon Jukebox Featured Song

Boyz II Men - "End of the Road"

Monday's song is dedicated to the Chicago Bulls, who wrapped up their season on Saturday. Don't blame us for the queer song, blame the thuggish Boston Celtics.