TMS Music: Neko Case-Middle Cyclone

You've heard this voice before, in your dreams or maybe in an old song on the radio. That voice comes from the past, but is not bound to it. It's the voice of a 50s seductress, a 60s chanteuse, an 80s rock chick, or even a cowgirl balladeer.

Neko Case is all of these things and more. On her newest album, Middle Cyclone, she has crafted her boldest artistic statement to date. Middle Cyclone contains more of Case's oblique lyrics, and the melodies and harmonies she uses to deliver her cryptic message are both haunting and dangerously beautiful.

The album abounds with gorgeous instrumentation from acoustic guitar and piano to the more eclectic touches of music box, carnival organ, and other less easily identifiable sounds. In places there are electric guitar parts that sound if they could have come from the dead hands of Luther Perkins or the sagebrush mind of Ennio Morricone. Above it all is the rise and fall siren call of Neko Case's voice, the most powerful instrument on the album. Whether whisper or howl, her impassioned delivery enfolds you in the world of each song.

And the songs themselves are incredible. From the opening "This Tornado Loves You" about a lovesick twister searching for its lover over a locomotive guitar track to the amazing "Prison Girls" with the wonderful lines "I love your long shadows and your gunpowder eyes" to the various bird references in the lovely "Magpie To the Morning". There's not a bad song here in my opinion. This is an album you'll want to listen to again and again, seeking to unravel its mysteries.

I've been a fan of Neko Case, as well as her work with The New Pornographers for some time. This is easily the best album she's ever done. I know it's only March, but this is my frontrunner for best album of 2009. Something is really going to have to kick my ass to knock this one out of the top spot.

Tracks to Stay Tuned For: "This Tornado Loves You", "Prison Girls", "Magpie to the Morning", "People Got a Lot of Nerve", hell, pretty much the whole thing.

Further Listening: Fox Confessor Brings the Flood, The Tigers Have Spoken (live), Blacklisted, Furnace Room Lullabies-Neko Case, Challengers, Electric Version, Twin Cinema, Mass Romantic-The New Pornographers,

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Seattle Mariners

2008 Season: 61-101 (4th in AL West, worst record in AL)

SO LONG: 3B Willie Bloomquist, 2B Miguel Cairo, P R.A. Dickey, OF Raul Ibanez, P J.J. Putz, OF Jeremy Reed

WELCOME: 3B Russ Branyan, SS Ronny Cedeno, OF Endy Chavez, OF Ken Griffey Jr., OF Franklin Gutierrez, P Tyler Johnson, P Garrett Olson, 1B Mark Sweeney, P Chad Cordero

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Ichiro Suzuki RF
2. Jose Lopez 2B
3. Adrian Beltre 3B
4. Jeff Clement DH
5. Russ Branyan 1B
6. Ken Griffey Jr. LF
7. Franklin Gutierrez CF
8. Kenji Johjima C
9. Yuniesky Betancourt SS

Starting Rotation: Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Brandon Morrow, Jarrod Washburn, Carlos Silva, Ryan Rowland-Smith
Setup: Randy Messenger
Closer: Mark Lowe/Roy Corcoran/Chad Cordero

Man, it's a good thing the Mariners got rid of J.J. Putz in the offseason, 'cause (whew), what role would he play here? Over the winter, the Mariners went out and made the necessary moves to assure that they would finish no higher than fourth place in the AL West. Normally a contending ballclub will bring in an aging veteran to provide the experience and clubhouse leadership necessary for a playoff push. So why did the Mariners bring in Griffey, especially considering how hard he fought to leave that city in the first place? Sentimental value does not garner W's. He essentially replaces Raul Ibanez, so that's a solid step in the wrong direction. Did Griffey pick Seattle over Atlanta so he could hide a little more easily from the media? If Griffey's name were to ever be linked to steroids, and we're not implying that it is, would we be numb to another fallen hero of his caliber? Griffey was baseball in the 1990's. Now he has his opportunity to ride off into the sunset.

Willie Bloomquist has finally departed Seattle. I can't believe Bloomquist is only 31 years old. It seems like he's been playing for 20 years. Hopefully Mark McLemore will follow him out of town.

Outside of Felix Hernandez, this is a piss-poor pitching staff. Erik Bedard is lumped in there until he shows us something. Ryan Rowland-Smith? What, did he get married and start tacking on his wife's maiden name? Garrett Olson was kind enough to drop by Chicago during the offseason, albeit for only a few days. With the Cubs luck, Heilman will go on the DL for the season in May, and Olson will become an All-Star. Well, probably not, but the Mariners have to send someone to the All-Star game, right?

Here's one for you: Richie Sexson did not compile the stats that Seattle desired, and they released him. He of the 306 HR in 4,928 career AB, hitting .218 at the time in Seattle. Who did they replace Sexson with? Russell 'F-ing' Branyan: 133 HR in 2,000 career AB, a lifetime .230 hitter. Absolutely brilliant. You ate $6 million on Sexson's contract, and the following season you went out at signed essentially the same player. They deserve to have the worst record in the AL for two consecutive years.

Mr. Sexy Time: Instead of a player, we're giving this to new manager Don Wakamatsu. In the hiring of Wakamatsu, the Mariners are finally breaking the half-Japanese managerial barrier that has long plagued Major League Baseball. The drunk hobo (Wikipedia) tells us that his mother is Irish-American. We can therefore paint the picture that Wakamatsu enjoys eating sushi, drinking Guiness, watching Godzilla movies, and getting into fistfights.

The Bernie Madoff Award: Can you believe it's already been five years since Adrian Beltre put up those gaudy numbers during his final year in Los Angeles? A .334 batting average, 48 home runs and 121 RBI. He parlayed those numbers into a $64 million deal with Seattle (which thankfully expires after this season. Since he signed the contract, he has not hit more than 26 homers, has not eclipsed 100 RBI, and has not hit over .276. The Seattle district attorney should bring a grand larceny case against him. From here on out, contract years for players should be referred to as their "Adrian Beltre Year".

The Old Yeller Award: The residents of Seattle and the surrounding metro area. We commend you for your sticktoitiveness in light of having to put up with the worst team in the American League last year; sitting through an equally dour season from the Seahawks; the loss of your NBA team; and acting as a sacrificial lamb by employing Ty Willingham under the false pretense of him being a "good" coach. On one hand, we should put you out of your misery, but on the other hand, it couldn't possibly get any worse than this.

Further Reading:
U.S.S. Mariner
Lookout Landing

TMS MLB Preview 2009: San Francisco Giants

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

IN WHICH I ATTEMPT TO BLOG ABOUT THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WITHOUT MENTIONING SATAN WILL CLARK OR MAKING NUMEROUS TYPOS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD SIX SEVEN EIGHT SHOTS OF TEQUILA.

Note: Pictures may come later when I'm sober. I can't get them to work and I think my girlfriend is going to kill me if I don't stop cursing out loud.

2008 Record: 72-90 (4th in the already laughable NL West)

SO LONG: P Kevin Correia, SS Omar Vizquel

WELCOME: P Jeremy Affeldt, P Bob Howry, P Randy Johnson, SS Edgar Renteria, SS Stabby Stabberson Juan Uribe

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Randy Winn RF
2. Edgar Renteria SS
3. Pablo Sandoval 3B
4. Bengie Molina C
5. Fred Lewis LF
6. Aaron Rowand CF
7. That Unholy Spawn of Satan, Will Clark Travis Ishakawa 1B
8. Emmanuel Burriss 2B

Starting Rotation: Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, The Late Randy Johnson, Jonathan Sanchez, A Giant Hole That Brian Sabean Periodically Tosses Money Into Barry Zito, Noah Lowry
Setup: Bob Howry, Jeremy Affeldt
Closer: Brian Wilson

OH MY GOD I HATE WILL CLARK SO MUCH! What is there to say about the San Francisco Giants, of whom I do not hold a grudge? Other than the fact that Will Clark ruined my goddamn life in the fall of 1989, as I sat in my Aunt and Uncle's house because my own home had just been destroyed by Hurricane Hugo days previously and then that son of a bitch twisted the knife in my already devastated life their lineup is a cosmic joke more hilarious than Will Clark played on me beyond all possible schadenfreude. I mean this is a really BAD lineup, even by the already anemic NL West's standards. I begin to wonder if the Giants and the Diamondbacks had a bet running as to who could score less runs a season. Take a long, steamy look at that festering boil of a lineup. Bengie Molina at cleanup? That's a fantastic move, as both scouts and statheads agree that the best choice for a #4 is a guy with mid-range power, mediocre on-base ability, and an ability to run the 50 yard dash in slightly less than 3 minutes.

The Giants also have a lot of young question marks in the lineup. Pedro Sandroval? Fred Lewis? Travis Ishikawa? Roland Burris? None of them are proven, but I guess they all paid to play.

Of course, the Giants do have decent pitching, with 24-year old Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum and 72 year old 5-time Cy Young award winner Randy Johnson, and possibly amazing, but potentially hilariously bad Barry Zito taking the mound.

I think, given the weakness of this division, the Giants have a shot Excuse me, I need to do a shot, because my rage at Will Clark is building. Okay I'm back if the Dodgers falter and they get some breaks, but the odds are they'll fall like Mitch Williams throwing a pitch that Will Clark laced over his head to drive in both the winning run and the stake through my heart during game five of the 1989 NLCS short of taking the division. And in a real division, they'd never come close.

PRESEASON AWARDS

Mr. Hatred Time: Will Clark Mr. Sexy Time: Tim Lincecum. Seriously. He deserves to be promoted from the AA SF Giants to an actual MLB team. One that rhymes with Michago Mubs, for example.

The "I'm Still Alive Like Michael-Fucking-Myers In Halloween" Award: Will Clark. WHEN WILL YOU STOP HAUNTING MY NIGHTMARES!" Award: Randy Johnson. Seriously. All age joking aside, the man was an active major leaguer when Will Clark was breaking my heart Reagan was president.

The "I'm the Infield Equivalent of Kenny Lofton" Award: Edgar Renteria, who has also won this years coveted Derek Jeter Memorial Award for Shortstops Who Should Probably Be Moved to Third At This Point In Thier Career. I fully expect Will Clark to rot in hell for all eternity Renteria to play for at least nine other teams before he retires in eight years.

FOR MORE READING
Honestly, the Giants can screw. I suggest going here:
The Official Homepage of the Band that Will One Day Kill Will Clark Onstage In Front of THousands of Screaming Brazilians.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Cleveland Indians

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

CLEVELAND INDIANS

2008 SEASON: 81-81 (3rd place in AL Central)

SO LONG: P Brendan Donnelly, P Scott Elarton, C Sal Fasano, P Juan Rincon

WELCOME: 2B Mark DeRosa, P Matt Herges, P Carl Pavano, P Kerry Wood

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Grady Sizemore CF
2. Mark DeRosa 2B
3. Victor Martinez C
4. Travis Hafner DH
5. Jhonny Peralta SS
6. Shin-Soo Choo RF
7. Ryan Garko 1B
8. Pat Tabler LF
9. Asdrubal Cabrera 2B

Starting Rotation: Cliff Lee, Fausto Carmona, Aaron Laffey, Carl Pavano, Anthony Reyes, Jeremy Sowers
Setup: Rafael Betancourt, Jensen Lewis
Closer: Kerry Wood

This team has a lot of talent and if they stay healtdammit, I can't believe I'm going to have to watch Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa play in another uniform this season. OK, I got that out of my system. Find your center. Serenity now.

In all seriousness, this team does have some talent surrounding Sizemore but there are a lot of question marks. Is Pronk healthy? His "return" late last year wasn't exactly a rousing vote of confidence. And what about Victor Martinez? The tribe is fortunate enough to have a serviceable guy behind the plate who should probably be playing 1B somewhere. However, he's probably going to top out at about 25 hrs and that's if he stays healthy as well. Meanwhile on a team built entirely of first basemen, Ryan Garko has been logging some time in left field this spring which should give his numbers a bump.

Cliff Lee is just coming off a 22-win Cy Young award-winning season but me and everyone in the Wahoo nation will be shocked if he can do that again. Carmona looks like a good number-two guy but there are an awful lot of young pitchers in history who have put together impressive starts to their careers only to fall apart shortly after. M. Prior would be too obvious; we'll call him Mark P. They also won't have the help of CC Sabathia but hey, they brought in Carl Pavano!

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time - Grady Sizemore is clearly the offensive leader of this team. It's a shame that he's stuck leading off or else you could probably tack on another few RBIs to the 90 that he had last year. He's approaching the magical age of 27 and should post career numbers across the board.

Gehsundheit! - The Indians were looking for a new right fielder for this season and they may be in luck with a Choo. Shin-Soo Choo, to be precise. After having surgery in 2007, he finished out last year with some decent numbers. However, he's been relegated to DH for the Korean team at the WBC after his elbow began to flare up again. The job seems to be his if he can stay healthy.

FOR MORE READING
Let's Go Tribe
Tribe Report
Grady's Ladies

Wrigleyville Bar Project: The Globe Pub

Before I start, let me address the misnomer in the title of this post. The Globe is not in Wrigleyville. I'm laying waste to the strictures of TMS; to hell with the rules! The Globe is actually located in the North Center neighborhood. No offense intended to the locals.

Who you'll see here: Brits, Irishmen, assorted Europeans, men with scarves.

If you were to see a celebrity here, it would be: Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham

About 15 months ago I allowed myself to be lured into the beautiful world of soccer. My basic knowledge of the grand game directed me toward the English Premier League, as opposed to our ridiculously inferior Major League Soccer. After consulting a collection of the best soccer blogs and fielding the opinions of fans, I decided to throw my less-than-considerable weight behind Everton FC.

Two weekends ago, I was gearing up to fly out to Chicago to catch up with fellow Bartender Chaim Witz. After realizing that Chaim receives neither Fox Soccer Channel nor Setanta, I scoured the Internets for a reputable bar in which to take in the Everton v. West Brom tilt. This is when I stumbled on The Globe's website. I notified Chaim that we would need to be at the bar at 6:45 a.m. on Saturday, wives and hangovers be damned! Well, the wives relented; however, the hangovers got the best of us. After waking up at 6:00, we both agreed that we should forego the Everton match, grab a few more winks, and catch the 9:00 a.m. games.

When we arrived at The Globe at 9:00, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool fans were occupying all of the tables but one, choking down coffee, hurling out obscenities. The back room was cordoned off for the Chelsea game, while Arsenal fans were seated in the front. Liverpool fans were relegated to watching their match on the smaller plasmas over the bar, deservingly on mute. Turns out The Globe is an Everton-friendly bar (Liverpool and Everton are much bigger crosstown rivals than the Cubs and White Sox). The waitress immediately asked us which club we were there to see so that she could seat us accordingly. When I told her that we were regrettably late for the Everton match, she offered to either tell me the score or put the match on for me (God bless DVR in bars). I took the bait at the score (Everton won 2-0), and when the 9:00 a.m. matches were over, she re-played the Everton game for me.

This bar is the balls not only for soccer and the friendly staff, but it serves as a quality drinking hole as well. Christ, look at the comprehensive beer list here. After a couple coffees, I moved on to Harp. TMS Bartender Dave Thomas met up with us as well, and proceeded to tackle the Dogfishhead 90 Min IPA. Chaim pulled his best impression of a mid-life crisis by ordering a steady stream of Bloody Mary's. The food was pretty decent to boot. The eggs Florentine were top notch, and the country potatoes were perfectly bronzed, like Matthew McConaughey's chest.

All in all, this was a great bar, though I'll admit it was morning, and I'll have to retrace my steps at night. However, if you want soccer, I couldn't think of a better place. I intend to make it a weekend morning ritual every time I'm in Chicago. I envy Chaim for having such easy access to The Globe.

ThunderMatt Rating: 10 Bass Ales out of a 12-pack, since it's technically not in Wrigleyville, and I'm not sure if the Cubs take any sort of priority when soccer is on (I would guess not).

International Experiment Pays Off

Bud Selig's kind of had an iffy track record with me. Interleague play, the travesty that is the All Star Game that counts, and raking in the money while turning a blind eye to steroids until he could no longer ignore their impact on the game for starters. On the other hand, I really like the current playoff system with three divisions and a wild card. However, Selig's greatest achievement may just be the World Baseball Classic.

I was one of the few who was totally stoked when the first WBC was held three years ago. During that inaugural event, I fell in love with a scrappy team from South Korea, led by the slugging exploits of Seung-Yeop Lee. This year, I still love the Koreans, the Puerto Ricans (My main man crush, Geovany Soto, is playing!), and the Netherlands. I'm even feeling some love for the good ol' USA. The USA didn't seem to take the event seriously last year and folded early. Many US fans still don't seem to care, but the USA team is fired up this year, determined not to make another early exit. They seem looser, yet at the same time more determined.

I know there's a lot of people who can't get with this tournament. Those people are missing out. Many of the teams have shown marked improvement from the first WBC. Italy won a game for crying out loud. And the Netherlands, with no current major league players, depantsed the mighty Dominican Republic not once, but twice. They did so with good pitching, some timely hitting, and a little help from some bad D on the Dominican's part. Unfortunately, it was Carlos Marmol who took the L for the DR last night, but at least he wasn't wearing a Cub uni at the time. To see the Netherlands celebrate was truly something special and even though I wasn't able to see the game (Side Note: MediaCom sucks balls. No MLB Network or ESPN Deportes in my area. Asshats.) At the press conference afterward, manager Rod Delmonico was visibly overcome with emotion as he expressed his pride in his players. If you saw that and didn't feel anything, then maybe you don't like baseball as much as you think you do. Regardless of what the Netherlands do from here in the WBC, they will always have this moment, when they took down one of the best teams in baseball. The Italian team also laid down a stunner, eliminating Canada from the WBC before being eliminated by Venezuela themselves. I see this as a good sign that baseball is taking root in these countries and the level of talent is on the rise.

And then there's the story of Ian Snell. Snell is pitching for Puerto Rico, despite the fact that he's technically African-American. The man who married Snell's mother and raised Snell since he was two years old is Puerto Rican. Snell's own wife is Puerto Rican. He considers himself Puerto Rican. So when he made his case, he was allowed to pitch for PR in the WBC. Snell was so excited when he got his jersey, he sent a cell phone picture of it to his wife. He's very proud to be able to represent his step-father's heritage, the man he considers to be his real father. That's pretty damn cool.

The other great thing about this tourney is the chance to see a mixture of MLB talent, guys from the minors, some guys who have been out of the majors but still capable of playing, and a lot of young dudes that are looking to make a mark. It was really nice to see the respect and love afforded to Bernie Williams when he played for Puerto Rico the other night. I enjoyed seeing former Cubs Randall "Sausage Killer" Simon and Julio Zuleta again, as well as guys like Andres Galarraga and Bert Blyleven in the dugouts. Plus I got to see Alessandro Maestri, the Cubs' Italian prospect dealing against a tough Venezuelan team.

The whole damn thing is pretty cool this year. I love the enthusiasm of the players for this tournament. There are guys dancing and laughing in the dugouts (even in the USA dugout!) and a lot of mutual respect between teams. If this is the international future of the game, I think it's pretty damn bright. And if you're missing it, well, shame on you, because you're missing something pretty special.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Los Angeles Dodgers

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS

2008 SEASON: 84-78 (1st place in NL West, lost NLCS to Philadelphia)

SO LONG: AndrEw Jones, Jeff Kent, Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Takashi Saito, Nomar Garciaparra, Joe Beimel, Greg Maddux

WELCOME: Orlando Hudson, Randy Wolf

PROJECTED LINEUP:
1. Rafael Furcal SS
2. Russell J. Martin C
3. Manny Ramirez LF
4. Andre Ethier RF
5. Matt Kemp CF
6. James Loney 1B
7. Orlando Hudson 2B
8. Casey Blake 3B

Starting Rotation: Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw, Hiroki Kuroda, Randy Wolf, Jason Schmidt/Hong Chi Kuo/Jeff Weaver
Setup: Guillermo Mota, Cory Wade
Closer: Jonathan Broxton

Before the trade deadline last year, the Dodgers were pitiful. They couldn't put anything together and the mediocre Diamondbacks were always just out of reach. Then Manny showed up, essentially for free, and carried the Dodgers to 1st place. As my co-bloggers are well aware, LA promptly swept the Cubs in the NLDS and then ran out of gas against eventual world champion Philadelphia.

In 2009, for the first time in my lifetime, the Dodgers enter the season without a gaping hole in their lineup. One through eight is solid and that nearly thirty year long problem at 3rd base appears to be solved with the return of Casey "Beardo" Blake. To mix things up, this year the pitching staff is a bit of a mess. There is no clear 5th starter, the ace has about two and a half years of major league service, and the #2 is so young he wasn't able to drink champagne in the locker room when the team won the division last season. In fact, as I write this, he still can't buy a drink (Happy 21 on the 19th Clayton). The pitching problems aren't limited to the starting staff either. The loss of Joe Beimel is going to hurt and the return of gas can Guillermo Mota isn't going to be pretty. Broxton was fairly solid filling in for Saito last year, but he's far from automatic and sure to give any Dodger fan indigestion. The Dodgers appear to have enough offense to beat the NL Worst into submission, but don't figure to get deep into the playoffs.

PRESEASON AWARDS:
Mr. Sexy Time - I was going to be an ass and give this to someone other than Manny, but lets face it, Manny is going to be the center of attention all year. Justifiably so quite frankly. The Dodgers haven't had an offensive threat like #99 since, well since ever.

Gratuitous Name Change Award - Russell Martin is now Russell J. Martin in honor of his mother, Suzanne Jeanson. From the who knew department, Martin's full legal name is Russell Nathan Jeanson Coltrane Martin Jr. "J. Martin" will appear on the back of his jersey this season.

See You on the DL by the End of May Award - Randy Wolf & Rafael Furcal. Randy Wolf is a 32 year old with the body of a 52 year old and since the Dodgers medical staff still applies leeches, I expect his arm to fall off after a handful of starts. Furcal has a gimpy back, which anyone with back problems will tell you, doesn't just go away. Fortunately LA is better prepared to absorb his loss this year. No such luck with Wolf.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Arizona Diamondbacks

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2008 SEASON: 82-80 (2nd in NL West)

SO LONG: Randy Johnson, Orlando Hudson, Adam Dunn, Brandon Lyon, Juan Cruz, David Eckstein

WELCOME: Felipe Lopez, Jon Garland, Scott Schoeneweis, Tom Gordon

PROJECTED LINEUP:
1. Felipe Lopez 2B
2. Chris Young CF
3. Stephen Drew SS
4. Conor Jackson LF
5. Justin Upton RF
6. Chad Tracy 1B
7. Mark Reynolds 3B
8. Chris Snyder C

Starting Rotation: Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, Doug Davis, Jon Garland, Max Scherzer
Setup: Tom Gordon, Scott Schoeneweis
Closer: Chad Qualls

For reasons I can't remember, I picked the 2008 Diamondbacks to win it all. That didn't quite pan out. The 2009 Diamondbacks are the baseball equivalent of Two-Face with what is likely the best starting rotation in the league and the worst lineup. I look at that lineup and can't imagine how they are going to score runs. They struggled putting runs on the board last year with Adam Dunn and Orlando Hudson, and they've downgraded offensively at both positions. The pitching staff is amazing, but this team is going to lose a lot of 1-0 and 2-1 games.

So what's the silver lining in the Valley of the Sun? Well, they have a three team crap-cushion below them in the division, so 2nd place should be a gimme. Also, for the first time ever, Arizona fans can look forward to the NFL season.

PRESEASON AWARDS:
Mr. Sexy Time - Mark Reynolds - On a team that featured five guys with 100 or more strikeouts (six if you include Adam Dunn's pre-trade strikeouts in Cincy), Reynolds took it to another level with a major league record 204 Ks. Chicks dig the longball and trannies dig the strikeout.

Most Unfortunate Name Award - TIE: Billy Buckner, Jon Coatlangus - I suppose unfortunate is a matter of opinion here. I'm sure they get ripped on all the time for having these names, but then again, would two obscure middle relievers be worth mentioning if they didn't?

Most Likely to Steal One of the Arizona Quints - H. I. McDunnough - The Arizona Quints were the biggest news to hit the state since they built the Hoover Dam. H.I. and his new wife Ed, short for Edwina, are having trouble conceiving so the smart money is on this wily ex-con to kidnap one of the babies. After all, they have more than they can handle.

American Idol Update: Week 4

Last week I promised the American Idol Update would be shorter to please the focus groups, which continue to tell me these posts are as popular as a double feature of Norbit and Meet Dave. Even though Idol unexpectedly continues to drone on for two hours, I will keep my word bringing only the highlights and lowlights to you, the dear reader and Idol Addict.

It was Michael Jackson week which promised to provide lots of awful performances and it certainly didn't disappoint. Out of thirteen contestants, I absolutely loathed ten, tolerated one, and liked two. The two good ones were Jasmine who did I'll Be There and Alexis who sang Dirty Diana. Naturally, the judges were lukewarm at best to both performances. They don't like Jasmine at all for some reason. I suspect they, like Cap Anson, hate black people. Yes, this includes Randy. He's an Uncle Tom. Seriously, what self respecting black man would have played bass for Journey and the Divinyls?

There were so many bad performances, but one really stood head and shoulders above (or below?) the rest. Megan's rendition of Rockin' Robin was so awful, she's already been chosen by the Vote for the Worst crowd. The song itself is something I would expect to hear at a elementary school talent show, and she shrieked and gyrated her way through it like she was hopped up on drugs. To cap off the truly awful performance, she yelled CAW! CAW! when it was over. Her intro video was all about how much she missed her kid, so I think she may have been tanking it so she can go home.

Ha, Ha! Look at You!

Congratulations, Dominican Republic! Your All-Star squad failed to beat fellow world baseball power, The Netherlands. Yes, your team of Big Papi, Pedro, Hanley Ramierez, Edinson Volquez, Miguel Tejada, Jose Reyes and others failed not once, but TWICE against a Dutch squad whose only two recognizable faces include an obese and drunk driving pitcher and a guy who's most known for hitting a sausage with a bat. Most prognosticators had the Dominicans as one of the favorites to win The World Baseball Classic while regarding the Dutch as little more than a AA minor league caliber team. Our own Carlos Marmol gave up two runs in the bottom of the 11th to blow the save and eliminate the Dominican Republic from The World Baseball Classic. How is Kevin Gregg doing down in Arizona?

I have to admit that The World Baseball Classic has been quite captivating. Some pundits will claim that not all of the stars showed up to play, which is true, but if you peruse the rosters, it's certainly not a misfit cast by any means. It isn't Spring Training where no one really cares what is going on, these are all highly competitive and emotional games. Give it a shot, if only to possibly see more cases of David slaying Big Papi Goliath.

Is there still room on The Netherlands bandwagon?

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Chicago Cubs

CHICAGO CUBS

SO LONG: C Henry Blanco, SS Ronny Cedeno, 2B Mark DeRosa, OF Jim Edmonds, P Rich Hill, P Bob Howry, P Jon Lieber, P Jason Marquis, OF Felix Pie, OF Daryle Ward, P Kerry Wood

WELCOME: C Paul Bako, OF Milton Bradley, OF Joey Gathright, P Aaron Heilman, 2B Aaron Miles, 2B Luis Rivas, P Luis Vizcaino

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Alfonso Soriano LF
2. Ryan Theriot SS
3. Derrek Lee 1B
4. Aramis Ramirez 3B
5. Milton Bradley RF
6. Geovany Soto C
7. Kosuke Fukudome CF
8. Mike Fontenot 2B

Starting Rotation: Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster,
Rich Harden, Ted Lilly, Sean Marshall
Setup: Kevin Gregg, Jeff Samardzija
Closer: Carlos Marmol

Many who preview the 2009 Chicago Cubs will begin by reiterating their decrepit showing at the end of the previous season. This, however, is unoriginal, as reporters and bloggers have been regurgitating these sentiments for exactly one hundred years. Granted, last year was a model in futility on the postseason stage, but still, Cub fans are immune to this. It is, after all, "next year". We will not dwell on the past today; we will look forward to a new dawn and fresh ivy on the walls.

Though the contractual cornerstones of the roster have remained in place, a few dearly beloved players where shuttled off or otherwise asked to quietly go into that good night. Prominent among these were Mark DeRosa ("I want to get to second base with Aaron Miles" just doesn't have a good ring to it), and of course Kerry Wood. Wood was released into the wild by Jim Hendry, much in the way one would nurse an abandoned bald eagle to health. He will again soar with the Indians, or so we hope in our heart of hearts. DeRosa was traded to that same Cleveland club over the winter, in the magical, mystical cocktease which led Cub fans to believe it was a necessary step in the conquest of Jake Peavy. The latter never occured, and the ultimate value of that trade charts solidly in the "to be determined..." category.

The aforementioned departures, the Milton Bradley signing, and the intrusion of the World Baseball Classic have left the Cubs camp with a few more internal decisions which need to be sorted out. Though a lot of fat was cut from last year's team (Marquis, Pie, Howry in particular), Hendry's additions have only served to equally muddle up the roster. Heilman is a great addition, and between him and Marshall, our fifth starter spot and long relief are in decent hands. But who starts at second base (Miles or Fontenot)? Who gets the playing time in center field (Fukudome's contract or Johnson's hustle)? What offensive player gets relegated to Des Moines at the break of camp (Hoffpauir)? Lou needs a pinch-runner in Gathright, and Johnson or Fukudome get a bench role. Does Taguchi make the squad? Koyie Hill or Paul Bako? With the emergence of Hoffpauir, do the Cubs look to trade Lee? Is Marmol a sure thing to close over Gregg? It will be interesting to see how things shake out in Lou's mind, but at least he can count on Bradley losing time due to injury at some point.

Mr. Sexy Time: This goes to Carlos Marmol. Though he's technically still in a competition for the closing job, and it doesn't help that he's away with the Dominican Republic's WBC team, by the last day of spring he will be adorned with the 9th inning duties. He will throw wicked stuff. He will blow no less than three games. He might even be a little dicey in the playoffs. But this is the guy Lou will put out there, always knowing though that he has a capable alternative in Kevin Gregg.

The AC Delco Spark Plug Award: Lou wanted more left-handed hitting. One piece to the puzzle was already on his roster. Mike Fontenot, soon to be adopted son of TMS, should see the majority of starts at second base over Aaron Miles. Miles is a switch hitter though, so in all likelihood this will be a platoon. I'm not the biggest fan of the platoon, and the Cubs look to already have one in the works in center field. That's Lou's call and Cub fans will have to abide by the outcome. At least Fontenot is holding up his end of the competition, batting .367 in the spring as of yesterday. Honorable mention to Reed Johnson, who just seems to make shit happen when he plays.

The Rosetta Stone Award: The language of baseball is not necessarily universal. If it were, Kosuke Fukudome likely would not have hit a mental and physical brick wall last summer. Now that we're a year into his term with the Cubs, we can only hope that he's ironed out any lingering communication issues. It might help to have a veteran like So Taguchi around, but as was already mentioned, there may not be room on the roster for both. It would also probably help if Fukudome was in the Cubs camp right now, instead of at the WBC. I suppose the silver lining is that when he makes it to Arizona in a couple weeks, he'll be in tip-top game condition. Or so we hope. I'm not sure how long Cub fans will accept those windmill swings.

A Grown Man Attempts To Review NES Games, Part 2

The Battle to Understand The 3-D Battles of World Runner

I know none of you out there want to read what we think about baseball, right? That's why I'm back with another reason to knock the NES off its pedestal. As per last time, I will be rating this game by a scale that only makes sense to me, Stephen Hawking, and the rest of the Secret Genius Cabal that runs what you have all been convinced is "The Earth." Again, I have done no research on this game, and had never heard of it before I started the emulator.

The game in question is The 3-D Battles of World Runner. It was made by the same people responsible for the popular Final Fantasy games, so it's probably pretty good. Oh, wait. It was made in 1987. And it's an arcade game. I think...

Oh hell.

This is going to be rough. I can feel it.

Graphics: Okay, who designed this "3-D" world? Jeff Spicoli? Just because it looks good on a pair of Vans is no reason to assume I want to frolic on a checkerboard pattern. Neither checkers nor chess are fun unless you are (a) running a general store in Appalachia (for the former) or (b) a completely batshit Antisemitic Jewish homeless wizard (the latter). I also feel as if the characters are poorly designed, and not fully taking advantage of the lush capabilities of 8-bit processing. Also, the near constant chasms in this game are just black rectangles. Meh. (2/5)

Sound: A hideous squalling noise (not unlike a snippet from Metal Machine Music) greeted me when I started the game. And it didn't get better from there. In fact, I almost got into a fight with my girlfriend because I told her I needed to hear at least 1-2 minutes of this "Midi Carnival In Hell" score. Feh. (1/5)

Gameplay: Okay, so the "Battles" in the title seems to be a misnomer, since the whole point of this game is to run forward, while sidestepping cutesy monsters and obstacles and leaping ridiculous distances over solid black rectangles. This game could have been played with an old 2600 joystick for all the complexity of controls. You have no weapons, shields, or useful power-ups - at least none that I could discover (there is at least on part where you can pick items up, but they seem to only give points). The jump function is the exact opposite of Castlevania's - it's video game physics to the Nth degree. The longer you hold the button, the longer you jump, and you can steer yourself in midair. However, it's very hard to judge depth and while in midair it feels like you're steering an '85 diesel Oldsmobile through Jell-o. Guh. (2/5)

Level of Adult Confusion: This game didn't mystify me like 8-Eyes did, as it's clearly a mindless arcade game whose main gimmick is the illusion of 3-D. However, I would love to know exactly what the hell is the point of running endlessly until you die. At least Asteroids and Centipede had some sort of backstory. As far as I can tell, you're just running as fast as you can on a giant chessboard until you either fall in a pit, ram into a pillar of fire, or lightly bump into a bouncing ball with eyes. Maybe that's some sort of metaphor for life, but it's pretty forced. Also, would it have hurt to go through this metaphorical "Game of Life" with some missiles or something?

This game also has some sort of health meter or something, but it's clearly decorative, as every time I ran into anything, I died. And when you die, the screen flashes black and red and a dragon left over from a Chinese New Year parade flounces about the screen like Rip Taylor on ecstasy. I think he's taunting you, but for all I know, he's mourning your passing.

Other "charming" (read: confusing and infuriating) touches: when you pause the game, World Runner (I assume that's his name, or at least his title according to the Peerage Registry) turns and faces you, sitting Indian-style. And naps. Lazy bastard. World Runner also flashes a damn peace sign from the bottom corner of the screen - at all times. Maybe if you were less of a damn hippie pacifist, you'd be able to defend yourself against a figgin' beach ball moving at 10mph. (3/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent My Own Money On This: I'm guessing rather high. I mean, at least Spyhunter had the "Peter Gunn Theme" playing as you drove until your death, not an outtake from a Melt-Banana casio tribute band rehearsal playing as you ran until you fall into a black rectangle. The 3-D gimmick would have hooked me for a while, but honestly, even the old vector graphics Star Wars was more convincing. Being poor as a child, I would have probably gritted my teeth and gotten very good at this game, meanwhile hating every second as much as I hated my parents for not buying me a Mega Man game instead. Bleh. (4/5)

Time Spent Playing as an Adult Before Quitting In Annoyance: Wanting to give this monstrosity one more chance, I came back to this game two weeks after my first attempt. This means I have spent a total composite time of nearly 10 minutes of my only time on this "Earth" playing this game. I could have spent that time listening to 6 Ramones songs. I feel like a fool. Bah.

Composite Grade: D

You're better off just hitting pause and taking a nap with World Runner. Unless you have a fever above 103, your dreams will make more sense. And you'll have more fun.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: St. Louis Cardinals

All through March, Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

2008 Season: 86-76 (4th Place in NL Central)

SO LONG: P Randy Flores, P Jason Isringhausen, SS Cesar Izturis, P Tyler Johnson, 2B Adam Kennedy, P Braden Looper, SS Felipe Lopez, 2B, Aaron Miles, P Mark Mulder, P Russ Springer, P Ron Villone

WELCOME: SS Khalil Greene, P Trever Miller, P Dennys Reyes

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Skip Schumaker RF
2. Rick Ankiel CF
3. Albert Pujols 1B
4. Ryan Ludwick LF
5. Troy Glaus 3B
6. Khalil Greene SS
7. Yadier Molina C
8. Brendan Ryan 2B

Starting Rotation: Chris Carpenter, Adam Wainwright, Kyle Lohse, Todd Wellemeyer, Joel Pineiro
Setup: Ryan Franklin, Jason Motte
Closer: Chris Perez

Break out the Teva sandals and the pleated khaki shorts. Here come the Cardinals!

Blah. The f'n Cardinals. I really liked these guys once? Seriously, they have officially surpassed the Houston Astros for least diverse team in baseball. It's a bunch of dopey white dudes and Albert Pujols. I'm not gonna lie, I doubt I can write this preview and mask my hatred.

The Cards played beyond my expectations last year, finishing with a winning record. Unless Albert Pujols can hit 80 home runs and 200 RBI, I don't see it happening again. Their offense is ok and they certainly have some power with Ankiel, Poopholes, Ludwick and Glaus when he comes back from injury, but I cannot see this pitching rotation doing as well as they did last season. Chris Carpenter will be back but no one is sure in what form. Todd Wellemeyer and Kyle Lohse both overachieved last season and should see a regression in their stats. Joel Pineiro is still Joel Pineiro. Adam Wainwright is the only guy in the rotation that seems like a safe bet.

PREASEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Colby Rasmus - In all likelihood, Skip Schumaker will become the starting 2B, opening the door for the young Cardinals phenom to finally get a starting spot in the outfield. Ranked the #3 overall prospect by Baseball America this year, keep an eye out for Rasmus to make a splash this season.

Burning Up the Basepaths!: Skip Schumaker - With Cesar Izturis gone, the biggest threat to steal bases on the Cards now is Skip who swiped a mind blowing 8 bases last season.

Winning Lottery Ticket: Kyle Lohse - You lucky bastard. You wanted a 4 year/$40 million deal last offseason and no one would touch you with a ten foot pole. Then you relent and sign with St. Louis in March for 1 year/$4.25 million and what happens? You magically pitch out of your ass last season and land that 4 year payday after all. Enjoy Cardinals fans. I hope you like 4.70 ERA's and very few K's. Maybe Dave Duncan really is a pitching sage and I'm wrong. I doubt it.

Willie McGee Award: Jason LaRue - While no one can beat Willie in an ugly contest, LaRue is the Cardinals best option right now. Honorable mention go to Jason Motte and Chris Duncan.

Check back tomorrow when Chaim Witz previews the Chicago Cubs.