The Fanpires Aren't Going to Like This

Not long ago, in a fit on immeasurable boredom I made a decision I would regret: I borrowed my friend's copy of Twilight and decided to read it and report back to you, the Pomp Culture reader. How clever right? You see, being an adult male, I'm not the target audience. This would lead to an awesomely hilarious post. Right?

No. Instead, it lead to a week of torture as I labored through 500 pages of repetitive drivel about pretty vampires who glow in the sun (shit - spoiler alert!) and a klutz who constantly puts herself in danger (more spoilers - lolz!).

Not long ago, our own Daft Funk warned us about Twilight, but that was just the movie. The book had to be better right? Isn't the book always better?

Again, no. Reading Twilight was essentially waterboarding myself, asexual vampire style. That movie can't be more than 90 minutes. This book goes on and on and on.

Daft already went through the basic plot: mysterious girl moves from Phoenix to Forks, WA, meets attractive weirdo, finds out he's a vampire, falls in love, yada yada yada. Does she fall into any danger? Of course. Even this coma inducing author, Stephanie Meyer, can't fill up 500 pages with descriptions of how beautiful the vampires are, but there are three more books so you know she gets out OK.

Actually, as I look back now, the only two things I really took away from it is that Bella is a klutz and Edward is a good looking douche. That much is quite clear after a chapter or two, but the book keeps going. If Meyer cut out some of the unnecessary repetition of this information, the book could probably be cut down to about 400 pages. Even with 100 pages shaved off, descriptions of Edward's "cold skin" and minute by minute updates on his eye color would probably grow tiresome. Here's a test. Are you tired of me complaining about it yet? Yes? OK. There we go.

I finished this book a few days ago and hadn't given it another thought until now. My head hurts all over again. Why is this popular? What is wrong with kids nowadays? Back when I was a teenager, Anne Rice's hedonistic gay vampires were all the rage. Now we have asexual vampires who don't even drink human blood. George Carlin once complained about the pussification of American culture. He probably wasn't talking about irritatingly predictable vampire literature (literature is probably not the right word), but who knows...

The next book on the pile is The Road, by recluse and punctuation hater Cormac McCarthy. Some tell me its boring. Others say its terrible. Oprah raves about it. Why do I keep torturing myself for you people?

Little Kurt Warner Sat In A Corner, Not Being In The Hall Of Fame

By now, it's probably sunk in that the Arizona Cardinals (yes, those Arizona Cardinals) are going to the Super Bowl. As far as unlucky/just plain bad franchises go, the Cards were right up there with the Cubs in terms of not only championship droughts, but even getting to the final round of competition in their league. Really, Anquan Boldin's recent antics aside, there's no reason not to like the Cardinals. They don't have any players that are giant douchebags, their coaches are nice enough, and hell, it's been so long for them that you kind of have to pull for them at least a little, right? Even the presence of Matt Leinart can't tarnish their role as Destiny's Darlings.

If you're wondering if I brought up Leinfart just for the sake of linking to that picture, the answer is 'Yes'.)

With this recent wave of euphoria for Arizona fans, there has been talk of Kurt Warner cementing his place as a sure-fire Hall of Fame player.

Now let's just hold up for a second here.

Maybe Arizona fans, and football fans in general, are just getting caught up in the feel-good story. Kurt Warner's been a fantastic role model, a damn good teammate, and a great quarterback. But it's not called the Hall of Great. The Hall of Fame is meant for the best of the best, people that dominated year in and year out, and I just don't think Kurt Warner is quite there yet.

Let me just start by saying that I have a ton of respect for Warner. He could have retired years ago or accepted life as a backup and just show up to collect a paycheck. But he didn't. And when he's been good, he's been really good. The first year I played fantasy football was in 1999, the year Warner became the ringleader of the Greatest Show on Turf. From 1999-2001, Warner and the Rams were a nightmare for secondaries, breaking records and taking names. He led the Rams to 2 Super Bowls, winning one of them, as well as picking up 2 MVP trophies.

Warner burned corners and safeties. He burned their kids, he burned their wives, he burned their parents and their parents' friends. He burns the houses they live in and the stores they work in. He burns people that owe them money.

And like that (poof)...he's gone. Underground. Nobody saw him for 5 years. He became a myth, a spook story that secondary coaches tell their players at night. "Take a play off, and Kurt Warner will burn you on a deep slant."

Then Warner materializes in Arizona, has one good year and one great year, and all of the sudden he's one of the best ever? Sorry, but something about that doesn't sit right with me.

So let's get down to it. Why doesn't Kurt Warner belong in the Hall of Fame?

The first point I want to make is that I am going to completely throw out the supporting cast argument. It would be easy for me to say that a lot of Kurt Warner's numbers were inflated because of the offenses he played in and the players that surrounded him, but that's just pure speculation. For all I know, Warner would have been just as good in St. Louis and Arizona this past season with average receivers. Did the offensive personnel around Warner make him better, or did he make them all better? Are his stats inflated because he's played with some bad defenses in the past and has always had to chuck the ball in the 4th quarter? Would he have been better some years with a legit offensive line? There are too many speculations about who made who better that we could argue all day and get nowhere, so I'll just ignore it.

Let's start with the statistics. The one that sticks out the most is that Kurt Warner is fourth all-time in quarterback rating with a career mark of 93.8, right behind Peyton Manning, Tony Romo (?) and Steve Young. Right below Kurt is Tom Brady. When you're looking to make the Hall of Fame, those are some pretty good guys to be stacked up next to, right?

But if you look down the list just a bit, you see Chad Pennington at #8. Clearly, Chad is no Hall of Fame quarterback at this point in his career. And yet, Pennington sits there with a career rating of 90.6, which means that Warner is just as close to Pennington as he is to Steve Young. Now I'm not saying that QB rating means nothing, and I'm certainly not saying that everyone ranked near or below Pennington is not HoF worthy. I'm just saying that when one of the main stats you point to for your Hall candidacy is one that can be cracked by someone as 'good, but not really great' as Pennington, you'd better have some other gaudy numbers to back it up.

The other Warner stats that jump out as much better than those of his peers are Passing Yards Per Game (1st all-time), Yards Per Pass Attempt (5th), and passing Completion % (2nd). They all seem pretty impressive, but if you look at those first two stats, you also have to keep in mind that Warner ranks in the top 10 all-time in Pass Attempts Per Game, meaning that Kurt had much more of a chance to rack up those passing yards per game than most quarterbacks. And yes, in terms of completion percentage, Warner is the second most accurate passer of all time. Who's #1? Good old Chad Pennington! And while the rest of the top 10 in accuracy include HoF-worthy names like Brady, Young, Montana and Manning, names like Carson Palmer and Daunte Culpepper are also nestled in there too.

So it's true, Warner does rank right up there in some categories with Steve Young, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre and Joe Montana. But those guys also brought the numbers in the bigger categories as well

I'd consider the biggest passing categories to be touchdown passes, passing yards and completions. Warner doesn't crack the top 20 in any of those career categories. He doesn't even crack the top 30. He just squeaks into each of those categories if you look at the top 40.

One of the biggest concerns for me is the fact that Kurt Warner dropped off the face of the Earth for about 5 consecutive seasons in the middle of his career. So if you're one of those people that takes that kind of thing into account, Warner's most likely lost your vote. Some believe that to get into the Hall, you need to show sustained excellence over a prolonged period of time, and Kurt Warner fails this test. I just don't feel comfortable putting someone into the Hall who pulled a disappearing act like that during what should have been some of the prime years of his career. And if you take a look at this dark period in his career, you'll see that after Warner's 3 years of excellence, he was either really bad or hurt. Or both.

After 2001, he's only played in 16 games in a season once, which was this past season (He's only played a full season 3 times in his entire career). From 2002 to 2006, he had 27 touchdowns and 30 interceptions. Over that same period of time, he fumbled the ball 45 times and lost 17 of them. Over that time period, he was also sacked 123 times (3.5 times per game) and had a record of 8-23.

So really, Kurt Warner had 2 ungodly seasons where he put up video-game type numbers (1999 and 2001), 2 fantastic seasons (2000 and 2008) and one really good season (2007). That means that half the seasons of Kurt Warner's career were positive. This also means that half of his career has been made up of average to below-average seasons. There's another player I'm thinking of that had 1 really good season, 2 dominating seasons, 1 ungodly 'Warner in 1999' season, and 3 clunkers mostly because of injury. That man is Terrell Davis, and you don't see him in the Hall of Fame.

Now, is Warner really close to being a Hall of Fame worthy? Yes, I'll agree with that. He's led 2 different teams to the Super Bowl and could be the first QB ever to win with 2 different teams. And a lot of his 'major' numbers are hurt because he hasn't been playing for as long as some other players due to a late career start and injuries. So if Warner can keep playing at the same level for another 2-3 years, I think he'll stamp his ticket to Canton. Hell, even another Super Bowl win would at least make the debate more interesting.

But as of right now, at this very day, I don't think Kurt Warner is a Hall of Famer. Sure, most quarterbacks will come up short in some categories and statistics, but I think a lot of the major holes in Warner's resume can't quite be covered up by the phenomenal seasons he had to start his career.

Kurt Warner: Great guy.

Role model.

Man of God.

Hall of Famer? Not right now.

5 More Things I Don't Understand

A while back, I did a post titled "5 Things I Don't Understand," where I discussed my confusion over the popularity of things like Crocs and saying that something is "the balls." Well, there are still quite a few things that I don't understand, so I've decided to discuss 5 more...(this is the part where you either say to yourself "Eh - what the hell?" and keep reading...Or you say "fuck it" and wait for Daft Funk's afternoon post)...

1. Addressing an envelope to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Schmoe. As a lady, this kind of cheeses me off. I know that it was probably the proper etiquette back in the day to address a card or a letter to "Mr. and Mrs." and then whatever the man's name was, but can we maybe change this? I work hard. I pay my share of the bills. I have my own opinions and thoughts. Why can't my name be on the card, too? The word "Mrs." has 4 characters (if you count the period). My first name has 6 characters. Aren't I worth the extra 2 characters? (don't answer that). Or, hell, skip both of our names and just address the envelope to "The Schmoes." That'll save you a ton of time since you'll be able to skip writing everyone's first name. Also, I'm not going to be married for another few months, and I'm already starting to get items addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. blah blah." How do you know I'm going to change my name when I get married? What if I'm going to keep it because I'm too lazy to call my credit card company and the DMV to change my last name? Perhaps you see this as some feminist rant, but I just think it would be nice to see my name on an envelope once in a while...

2. Message tees. Now, I'm not talking about t-shirts that feature the name of a band, or a political candidate, or some kind of cause...I'm talking about the ones that say things like "If You Can Read This, You Haven't Had Enough Tequila." What is the purpose of these t-shirts? Are they supposed to inform me of something? I think I can judge when I've had enough alcohol myself, thank you. And what about the ones that say stuff like "I majored in beer in college." Um...Awesome? And what's up with the shirts that say things like "I'm a bitch and proud of it." Do you think that you can then be a bitch to me, and I'll say something like "Well, it's my own fault for getting into it with this person. They tried to tell me they were a bitch via their t-shirt and I just didn't listen." No. I will be just as irritated with you - with or without the t-shirt warning. And one time, I saw a shirt that just said "Slut" on it. Whatever happened to playing hard-to-get?

3. Surprise birthday parties. Now, let me preface this by saying I hate surprises. Why? Because 90 percent of the time, they're not good...It's hardly ever "Surprise! You've just won a million dollars!" It's usually more like "Surprise! I'm serving you with divorce papers!" or "Surprise! Those chicken wings you ate aren't going to sit so well in your stomach!" But here's why I don't get surprise birthday parties: When you throw someone a surprise birthday party, you usually have to pretend like you're not going to do anything for their birthday in order to pull off the surprise. Then, the person you're trying to surprise spends the weeks leading up to the surprise party pissed at you because they think you're a birthday-forgetting asshole. I'd rather just say "Hey. I'm gonna throw you a sweet birthday party," and have the person be happy with me the whole time. Also, 9 times out of 10, someone spills the beans about the party...And then, not only did you have to deal with the whole "you're a birthday-forgetting asshole" thing for a few weeks, but the surprise got ruined on top of it. I think I'll pass, thanks...

4. Unprotected left turns. You know when you have to make a left turn across traffic because there's no green arrow - just a solid green light? I hate those. First of all, they don't seem to do much for traffic flow (in my opinion), because most of the time, there's so much traffic going straight, that only like 2 cars get to turn left per green light. So then you've got a long ass line of cars backed up waiting to turn left. And secondly, unprotected left turns seem dangerous. I lived in Los Angeles for 7 years, and there were unprotected left turns all over the place. And you usually had to wait until the light turned yellow to make the turn - because the cars going straight would slow down as they prepared to stop at the red light. Well, how do you know that someone isn't going to speed through that yellow light and plow right into you? I don't need to gamble with my life every time I drive to work. I'd just like some more green arrows, please. I hope this explanation made sense. I've had a lot of whiskey tonight.

5. Those E*TRADE baby commercials. Do you know the ones I'm talking about? It's basically a series of commercials with a talking baby telling us about how he bought stock. Look, E*TRADE, I get the message - buying stock through E*TRADE is so easy, even a baby can do it. But do you have to send this message in such a gnarly manner? It seems like every time I sit down with something to eat, the commercial where the baby buys stock and then spits up comes on. Stop putting me off my bowl of rocky road, E*TRADE baby! And what about the one where the baby is telling us about E*TRADE Mobile Pro, and then gets some kind of weird e-mail message from a chick, and then the baby says "Oh, bad girl!" Babies shouldn't say shit like that! Look - babies are cute and innocent. They shouldn't be telling girls they are "bad" or whatever. And while we're on the subject of odd commercials, what's the deal with these new Geico ads where a stack of money with eyeballs shows up out of nowhere all creepy-like? Why is the money I could be saving stalking me? I guess this is why I don't work in advertising...

Looking Ahead

Something You May Have Missed:
The recent edition of New York Times Magazine has a comprehensive look at Obama's People. Check out the introductory piece on how this moment mirrors that of when JFK assumed office. Then click here for a gallery and bios of those individuals that make up Obama's team.

Game of the Week:
By default, we would look to an NFL game this time of year. However, we've hit the bye week before Arizona plays in the Superbowl. So what will take football's place as the game of the week? The NBA? College Basketball? Not a chance. We're eyeing the Premiership derby between Liverpool and Everton on Monday. Soccer bitches.

Book of the Week:
Petrostate by Marshall Goldman. Goldman chronicles Russia's history with petroleum and natural gas from the discovery of oil in the late 1800's through today. As Vladimir Putin has discovered in recent years, these resources can influence policy and the ebb and flow of international relations more than nuclear warheads ever could. A fitting read for January, as Russia is in the midst of its annual natural gas chess match with Ukraine and Western Europe.

TV Event of the Week:
Obviously the world will be watching on Tuesday as Barack Obama is sworn in as our nation's 44th president. It will still get crushed by American Idol in the ratings though. No word yet as to whether FOX News Channel will carry it live.

Matchup of the Week:
You versus your employer in your effort to sneak away to a television or the web for Obama's swearing in. Your office will probably be short a few people who have elected to stay home, as this is sure to be one of the most important events in our lifetime.

Ahead on Pomp Culture:
Look for a new edition of Pompous or Not Pompous this week, along with a War Criminal dedicated to a particularly offensive piece of headgear. If the readers are lucky, they'll also receive the first post in a series documenting the Rush anthology, and a tribute to those lovable, Jesus-pushing Arizona Cardinals.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: NFC Championship Game

The NFC Championship was certainly a little more exciting than the AFC game.

I don't have time to give full quarter by quarter rundowns so here's the skinny on how the game played out.

• Both teams manage to reach the red zone on their respective opening drives but both McNabb and Warner throw picks in the end zone leading to no scores.

• Philly scores first with a 24 yard TD run by Brian Westbrook (7-0 Philly).

• Arizona comes right back in the second quarter when on 3 and long Warner finds Anquan Boldin deep who makes a diving catch. Warner would find Boldin again in the end zone to tie the game (7-7).

• Not much action the rest of the first half as both teams manage 3 and outs and Rackers missed a 54 yard field goal.

• Philly is playing tight coverage on Fitzgerald forcing Warner to look elsewhere. Luckily Edgerrin James is having a great game running the ball.

• To start the second half, the Cards drive down the field almost entirely on the ground with Edge. They cap off the drive with a TD pass from Warner to Edge (14-7 ARI). The drive takes half the third quarter to complete.

• McNabb fumbles the ball on the ensuing drive and with great field position Arizona scores immediately on a TD pass to Jerheme Urban (21-7 ARI)

• Do or die time in the 4th quarter, Philly successfully drives 94 yards to score on another run by Brian Westbrook (21-14 ARI).

• Running out of time, Philly tries an onside and fails. Arizona just needs to control the ball and run the clock down.

• On fourth down, Rackers misses a 44 yard FG attempt and Philly gets the ball on their own 27 with less than a minute left.

• McNabb completes a huge pass to Kevin Curtis down to the Arizona 40. With 8 seconds left McNabb can't find anyone open and dumps it to Westbrook as a last ditch effort. Westbrook breaks a few tackles and busts into the open field. He takes it 40 yards for the touchdown with no time left on the clock. The PAT ties it and we go to overtime (21-21).

• Arizona wins the toss and does not mess around. Several runs by Edge take the Cards down the field swiftly before Rackers hits a 32 yarder to win the game (24-21 ARI).

Player of the game is most certainly Edgerrin James who was amazing, rushing for 147 yards on 22 carries.
So there you have it. Tecmo Sim 2009 has predicted a Cardinals vs. Ravens Super Bowl.

Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: AFC Championship Game

Welcome to the Tecmo Sim Playoff Predictor! It's the only place on Earth where a showdown between the boring, defense-first Steelers and the just as boring, defense-first Baltimore Ravens can be over in minutes. But much like the real game will be, it seemed to take about 10 times as long to be over than it actually was. Let's check out the highlights:

BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH

1ST QUARTER:

The Steelers receive the ball to start the game. Ben Roethlisberger tries some trickery at the line of scrimmage where he comes out of the huddle looking just like every other white player on his Tecmo team! This doesn't prevent him from getting picked off on his first pass attempt by Samari Rolle. Take that, British Clock!

Joe Flacco comes out for the Ravens and starts thinking that since Roethlisberger won a Super Bowl in his rookie season, maybe he should be like Ben. With that in mind, Flacco chucks an INT on his first pass as well. Steelers ball.

Taking advantage of the situation, Big Ben throws a loooong pass to Charlie Ward...err...Daryl Ward...umm...Hines Ward. Follow that up with a short run by Mewelde Moore, and you've got yourself a 7-0 Steelers lead. As you can see from the picture on the right, Moore's contact also came out on the play and he had to spend 10 minutes looking for it.

Jeff Reed's crappy kickoff gives the Ravens the ball at their own 40. Flacco converts a huge 3rd down conversion with his legs, and his linemen give him some time to rest on the next play when he has about 10 whole seconds of protection to lock on to Mark Clayton for a huge TD grab. At the end of the first quarter, it's all tied up 7-7.

2ND QUARTER:

The Steelers go 3 and out and punt to the Ravens. Flacco and Co. don't do much better, giving up consecutive monster sacks to Aaron Smith. That guy is a beast! There's no number on the front of his jersey because he murdered them, but not before murdering all of their friends and family. The Steelers get the ball back, drive down the field behind the running of Willie Parker, and kick a field goal. Exciting. Not.

It's halftime, and I'm napping already. 10-7 Steelers.

HALFTIME:

"Pittsburgh: Where The Cheerleaders Have Only 1 Eye..."

3RD QUARTER:

Baltimore is happy that they get the ball to start the half. Wanting to be as big a douche as possible because his team benched him at the end of the season, Willis McGahee coughs up the ball and the Steelers are back on offense.

Terrell Suggs gets pissed that in Tecmo, his uniform looks pink and takes that aggression out on a gigantic sack on Big Ben. But the Steelers recover and kick another field goal. Pittsburgh is up 13-7.

The Ravens decide to pull out all the stops and go back to a high school offense. They run a reverse...that fails. They run another reverse...that fails. Le'Ron McClain catches a screen pass for juuust enough to give Baltimore a first down. They decide to go back to the reverse...and fail yet again. Joe Flacco gets tired of being on the field and throws an interception.

Not wanting to give his opponent time to sit and have a break and maybe some hot chocolate, Roethlisberger throws an interception of his own so he can get back to his spot on the bench before it gets cold. Flacco responds by completing a 30 yard pass to Todd Heap and Le'Ron McClain finishes off the drive with a 2 yard run (a reverse!) for a touchdown. As seen in the picture to the right, he and the referee accidentally superglue their asses together. No one cares, because it's 14-13 Ravens and by this time, everyone wants to go home.

4TH QUARTER:

On the next play, Roethlisberger does what he does best: holds on to the ball too long and takes the sack. The Steelers do nothing and punt to the Ravens. There's under 2 minutes left, so the Steelers have to start using their timeouts. On a 3rd and long, the Ravens bust out...THE REVERSE! Clearly the Steelers didn't think the Ravens would continue to use such a terrible play, because the run goes for 25 yards and pretty much seals up the game. That Brian Billick truly is an offensive genius. What? He's not coaching anymore? When did that happen?

The Steelers make things interesting by stopping the Ravens dead in their tracks and getting the ball back with under a minute to go. However, Roethlisberger completes the Circle of Life. he started the game with an INT to Samari Rolle, and he ends the game with an INT to Samari Rolle. Ravens win 14-13.

Player Of The Game was me, for having to sit through this without being able to change the channel. BOOOOOOO-RINNNNNNG!

Link Bulimia: Blind High Five Edition

Welcome to Link Bulimia, where purging never felt so good. This is your one stop shop for all the stupid, violent, and horrifying links that I stumble across during my weekly laps around the internets. If you happen to find something particularly jarring to where you'll never be able to "un-see" it, please pass it right along to linkbulimia@gmail.com. Enjoy and make sure to wash your hands afterward.

The definition of bad ass: This guy was sent to an island in the middle of the Pacific in 1945 by the Japanese army. Just a few months after he arrived the island was attacked by the Allied forces but he and a few others managed to survive deep in the jungle. They continued to live in the jungle for TWENTY NINE YEARS and never discovered that the war had ended. Finally the he was tracked down in 1974 and everything was explained to him. I'm sure he took that well. (Damn Interesting)

The Miami Heat have only retired the numbers for two players: Michael Jordan and Dan Marino. (Wikipedia)

A man in California was arrested after he tried to sell his 14 year old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer, and some meat. (MSNBC)

The How Tie. You're out of excuses. (Uncrate)

With all his recent success, it's a time we took a trip down memory lane and looked at some of the more entertaining off-screen moments Robert Downey Jr. has given us over the years. (Screen Junkies)

My beloved Old Style hasn't actually been kraeusened since the late 90s. Everything I've ever known has been a lie. Finkle IS Einhorn! (JS Online)

The porn industry is seeking a federal bailout. I think since we've all taken so so much, we could afford to give a little bit back. (CNN)

The McRib Locator.

A Stonehenge at the bottom of Lake Michigan? It's probably just a circle of old Chryslers. (IO9)

The 8 not hottest women of the Australian Open. (Busted Coverage)

Buy your very own artificial virginity hymen replacement! (Gigimo)

Your word of the day: ambigram. (Boing Boing)

The Gateway Grizzlies have always been known for having the best burger in baseball. It's a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut instead of a bun. They also have, among other things, a soft pretzel that's marinated in Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Wing Sauce and served with mozzarella cheese melted over the top of it, a deep fried slider, a bacon cheese hot dog with onions and sauerkraut, and a Twinkie dog. Now there's some new competition. (Minor League Dugout)

Nostalgia: '91 World Series

How many times have you heard people talk about how much different things were in the past? And typically when people talk about the past, they talk about how much better/tougher it was, especially when you get to sports. "Ah phooey! Sandy Koufax could have struck out Barry Bonds 9 times out of ten!" "Poppycock! Bob Gibson was the best pitcher that ever lived!" "Goddamnit, Ozzie Smith not only deserved to be in the Hall of Fame, but he totally deserved his honor of being a First Ballot guy." So often, these old timers are so wrong.

Just the other night, with the cold Midwest (real America) air keeping everyone in their homes, there was seemingly nothing on TV. Then I stumbled upon ESPN Classic. For once they weren't showing old American Gladiator reruns, Andre Ware highlight tapes, or episodes of Cheap Seats.* It was baseball! It was Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, Twins hosting the Braves. Christ, had it really been that long ago? Seventeen years? I watched the whole damn thing, and in this case, the Old Timers are right - you don't see games like that one anymore, and this is true on many levels.

Jack Morris and John Smoltz? Are you kidding me? Two (future!) Hall of Famers duking it out for the World Series? Game on. Jack Morris, at 36, in his 15th year of Major League service had returned home to his native Minneapolis for another shot at the title. John Smoltz, 24 years old, a native of Michigan, grew up a Detroit Tigers fan and idolizing Jack Morris, and was trying to help complete an Atlanta Braves "worst to first" campaign.

Yes sonny boy, you don't see games like these - shit, series like these. Four games ended up being decided on the last pitch, three of the games went extra innings, the popularization of the Tomahawk Chop and The Homer Hankies. By now, most of you have seen the game and know what happened, whether it was in front of the TV when it happened (Chip, Brant, Chaim) or heard others cheering while you were at the teat (Daft, Dave Thomas). Jack Morris pitched a complete game, 10-inning shutout as the Twins won on a bases loaded single from Gene "Don't Call Me Barry" Larkin. It made was perhaps the greatest World Series of the modern era, one in which Braves outfielder David Justice said years later,

"You get the feeling sometimes that if the Yankees or Red Sox aren't in the World Series it can't be a classic...But that Series in '91 was a true classic. People talk about it all the time...It was amazing."

Rewatching the game made me realize that I'd overlooked another aspect of why it was "a better time back then" - physical appearances. It could be argued, I know, but 1991 was before the Steroid Era really came into play. For the most part, you had two body types on the field: the slender beanpole (Greg Gagne, Charlie Liebrandt, Tom Glavine) and the Nintendo RBI Baseball body (Kirby Puckett, Kent Hrbek, Terry Pendleton). You didn't see any hulking types like Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, or Albert Pujols. You saw more situational playing, where the key guys were slap hitters like Mark Lemke, Gagne, and Dan Gladden.

Though the uniform styles and fit were not remarkably different, personal grooming was. And my how it ever was! The mullet and the mustache were all the rage in the '91 series. A fashion expert might say that the Minnesota Twins erred to more of the North Woodsian look, brandishing the mullet, shaggy stache, or both. The Braves, being the southern gentleman that they were, opted to forgo the mullet for the most part, settling on more a civilized and trimmed "womb broom". Just look at the starting lineups:

Minnesota: Dan Gladden (stache, mullet), rookie Chuck Knoblauch (unable to grow stache, possible peach fuzz cookie duster), Kirby Puckett (stache), Kent Hrbek (stache, mullet), Chili Davis (stache), Brian Harper (stache, mullet), Shane Mack (stache), Mike Pagliarulo (stache, mullet), Greg Gagne (clean-shaven rebel), Jack Morris (Sam Elliott stache, minor mullet)

Atlanta: Lonnie Smith (stache), Terry Pendleton (husky rebel), Ronnie Gant (pencil stache), David Justice (incapable, minor afro), Sid Bream (stache), Brian Hunter (stache, lazy eye), Greg Olson (rebel), Mark Lemke (Todd Walker stubble), Rafael Belliard (stache), John Smoltz (stache)

Does it get any better than that? Friggin' amazing play on the field and fashion legends at the same time? Christ, we should be so lucky in this day and age. One where we're subjected to Corky Thatcher Jonathan Papelbon dancing on the mound in his skivvies while wearing a scuba mask. Papelbon, you sir are no Jack Morris.

Let this be a lesson to all you young, whippersnappers out there. They don't make 'em like they used to.

*Underrated: Cheap Seats, Sklar brothers

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Pompous, or Not Pompous?

In this new feature, I'll attempt to shed some light on the life and times in which we live while pushing everything through that difficult filter of pomposity or non-pomposity. Everything in life can be put into one category or the other. Is it twee and fancy, or is it commonplace and inelegant? I decide, so you don't have to.
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The inaugural installment will look at the movie world, and everyone's favourite chubby, red-headed actor. I'd use the word acteur if it existed, simply because he's more than an actor. He doesn't play roles, he lives within them, and he's been in everything from retarded action flicks to Charlie Kaufman brainfucks.

His name is Philip Seymour Hoffman. You may know him from such roles as "gay/confused boom operator" in Boogie Nights, or "Desperate Heroin Addict/Mother Killer" in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, or "Sympathetic Male Nurse Attending to a Dying Douchebag" in Magnolia, but one thing is certain: his resume is as long and extreme as Bear Gryll's penis.*


After some review, he has to fall on the side of "Pompous" simply because he's carved out a niche for himself as that guy in most of those charming/offbeat indie movie that has all the critics swooning while you, the regular folk, never actually get to see it because the release is limited to New York and Los Angeles.

It's a shame, because if you could see those random, low-budget flicks he dominates, you'd realize he's a damn good actor, but some of his roles are just too dainty and unmistakably "indie".

Like 2002's Love Liza, for example. A wonderful movie, mainly for a gorgeous original soundtrack by occasional Wilco cohort Jim O'Rourke (which you can hear some of in that link to the trailer), Hoffman mopes around the screen for 90 minutes huffing gas and generally being discombobulated while trying to come to terms with the sudden suicide of his wife.




He avoids the mother-in-law (which I would to, given that it was played by Kathy Bates) and engages in twee pastimes like flying remote-controlled planes while trying to deal with the loss. A decent enough movie, but his performance is so dreary and dismal that it's hard to keep watching. Shit, just look at the cover art! That sums it up for you. Mopey fat redhead in a jacket.

Exhibit B: Flawless from 1999. Now, Robert De Niro is not the kind of guy to play anything other than a disgruntled Mafia type, but he breaks the pattern with this movie where he plays an average guy who has a stroke that leaves his vocal chords paralyzed. His therapy includes singing lessons from the gay man next door (played by Hoffman), a big guy who's not only extremely flamboyant, something De Niro's character can't handle, but is in limbo waiting for his sex change operation.

A decent enough movie, but Hoffman's character is off the charts. It doesn't help that De Niro can't act opposite him to save his life, but them's the breaks.

When you're a character actor like Hoffman and you're paired with an actor who can't really act unless there's Sinatra in the soundtrack, it's not good.

The final judgment is reserved for the recent arthouse mania by Charlie Kaufman, titled Synecdoche, New York. I'm not even going to try to summarize what it's about, but I will say this: being the lead in a movie that requires a PhD to "get it" is not a good move in an effort to get out of being labeled Pompous. One thing is certain: Hoffman's playing another morose, miserable dude! He's good at that, really he is.

Ultimately, PSH is a great actor, but he's doomed to pomposity simply because he's forever rummaging around the indie scene looking for the next indecipherable mess to get stuck into. I'm not saying that his choice of movies is a bad thing, as he frequently dominates in whatever role he plays, but honestly, the man isn't presenting the Teen Choice Awards any time soon, and that's not a bad thing either.

This is about being pompous, and as far as actors go, PSH is up there. While he may be cool and down-to-earth when the cameras aren't rolling, he's all about the highbrow arthouse scene when making movies. The one thing that saves him from being at the extreme, extreme end of Pompous is his genius turn as simpering moron assistant Brandt in The Big Lebowski, one of my favourite movies of all-time.

Even so, to the pompous end you go, Philip. Here's hoping you get some company soon, because it's lonely down there.


* just a guess, as I've never seen it.

Iron Maiden vs. The World

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World:

Iron Maiden vs. the United Nations

Who better to represent The World in this first showdown than the largest international organization of independent nation-states, the UN? Currently consisting of 192 member states, and spanning six continents (the Reptiloid Nazis living under the surface of Antarctica do not recognize the legitimacy of the UN as a governing body, and have rejected all peace overtures), the UN has been a fixture in world diplomacy since 1945. It consists of numerous administrative bodies that address issues as varied as world peace and security, children’s health, and economic development.

But, in a fair fight, could the UN top the mightiest band in the New Wave of British Heavy Metal? And how can such a fight be considered “fair?”

The Methodology:

Given that this is the first of at least two installments of this feature, here’s a one time explanation of the means used to determine a victor. So pay attention!

The PCFFSSMR has determined after years of study that, like all things scientific, the best way to compare seemingly unrelated subjects is to pit them to a specially designed battery of tests. Each test measures a criterion of performance necessary to succeed in the pitched field of battle. Like the UN Security Council, there are 5 permanent categories:

• Intellectual and/or Literary Merit – What, if any, has the combatant added to the world of thought? Has the combatant synthesized the diverse strands of thought and words to create new and lasting value?
• Influence – How has the combatant changed the world by deed? What great changes have been wrought through the actions of the combatant?
• Image/Aesthetic – How does the rest of the world perceive the combatant? How does the combatant “brand” itself?
• Pomposity – Without pomposity, where would this site be? This is a vital category.
• Rocking Your Face Off – Probably the most important category of all. Nothing in life has any value if it doesn’t rock your face off.

In addition, there are two revolving categories which reflect the specific conditions of the specific conflict. In this case they are:

• Stability of Membership – Has there been a unified group membership throughout the combatant’s career?
• Frontman – Who is the champion selected to represent the combatants on the field of honor? Who all eyes turn to when the follow-spots are on?

Got it? Good. It’s time to move along, because we have some ranking to do:

The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
The UN is not exactly the most romantic of bodies. It doesn’t inspire poets or playwrights, and it certainly doesn’t produce much poetry on its own, as the most recent UN Resolution on Iraq can attest. On a philosophical level, I suppose the UN can derive some justification from the works of Bertrand Russell regarding the necessity of a single world government. But that’s just reaching.

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, has a discography that is rich and varied, seamlessly synthesizing such disparate source material as The First Detective Story (“Murders in the Rue Morgue”), Romantic Epic Poetry (“The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”), classic Cult Television (“The Prisoner”), War films (“Where Eagles Dare”), and Romany legends (“Seventh Son of a Seventh Son”) into new and varied musical offerings. And that’s just scratching the surface.

Advantage: Maiden

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Influence

Iron Maiden’s merging of the heaviness of bands like Black Sabbath, the technical precision of bands like Judas Priest, the mysticism of Led Zeppelin, and the raw attitude of early UK punk created a template for any of a number of Metal followers. To this day, an Iron Maiden tour can fill stadiums from Brazil to Eastern Europe to Southeast Asia. And they could probably still fill a decent sized nightclub anywhere else.

The UN, on the other hand, has about the political power of a hall monitor. Overridden time and again by China, the Former Soviet Union, and the United States, the UN Security Council might as well just send an online petition to those that transgress against peace.

Advantage: Maiden

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Image/Aesthetic:

Okay, here’s where it gets tough. Maiden is not, what one would call a “pretty” band. Or even a “presentable” one. And, like all Metal bands in the ‘80s, they wore clothes that looked, to be charitable, goofy:



Of course, the UN is not much more fashionable. Rivaling the British army’s Redcoats for inappropriateness in the field of battle, I present the intimidation of the Powder Blue Warriors of the United Nations:



So far, it’s looking like a push. Now, if only each combatant had a symbol the world over could recognize and admire…oh wait…they do…

The UN:



The Irons:


A map vs. Eddie? Give me a break.

Advantage: Maiden

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Pomposity

The U.N., in its own words:

“The United Nations is central to global efforts to solve problems that challenge humanity. Cooperating in this effort are more than 30 affiliated organizations, known together as the UN system. Day in and day out, the UN and its family of organizations work to promote respect for human rights, protect the environment, fight disease and reduce poverty. UN agencies define the standards for safe and efficient air travel and help improve telecommunications and enhance consumer protection. The United Nations leads the international campaigns against drug trafficking and terrorism. Throughout the world, the UN and its agencies assist refugees, set up programmes to clear landmines, help expand food production and lead the fight against AIDS.”

Get over yourself, U.N. Also, where are the periods in your initials? And “programmes” are something I watch on my “colour telly.”

Iron Maiden: In 1988, at the height of their fame, the band released a concept album about a fortuneteller that fails to convince a village of an oncoming holocaust, peppered with progressive metal songs, gypsy folklore, and references to the seven deadly sins.
Winner and Still Champion: Maiden

Rocking Your Face Off:

UN has elected to pass on this challenge. Although I hear former Secretary General Dag Hammarskjöld briefly fronted a Death Metal group called “Fjist.”

Advantage: Maiden

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Stability of Membership

Of the 51 original members of the UN, all still remain other than Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia, who both ceased to exist as nations in 1992. All of the nations formed afterwards from these two nations have been admitted since this time. Since 1945, the UN has seen a net gain in total membership of 141. The only major personnel shift in UN history as been when the People’s Republic of China replaced Taiwan due to “creative differences.”

Maiden, on the other hand, did not release two consecutive albums with the same lineup until their fifth album, Powerslave. Over the years, they have had 3 drummers, 4 guitarists, and 3 lead vocalists (counting official releases only). Only their bass player and lead guitarist have been with the band from the outset.

Advantage: UN

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Frontman

Currently, the UN is fronted by Ban Ki-moon, a South Korean fan of diplomacy who rose to fame via unlikely means – a homemade video of himself mediating an Assembly that covered Classic UN resolutions like the Congo Intervention and the Founding of Unicef. The UN, desperate to replace the popular Khofi Annan (who left the UN to pursue solo projects), happened to catch this video on Youtube and soon Ban was “Living the Dream” of an International Figurehead. However, many diehard fans look at him as a feeble replacement for such an international star, and some have grumbled that maybe the UN has “outlived it’s usefulness.”

When original Iron Maiden frontman Paul Di’Anno left the group in 1981, few thought this once up and coming metal act had a chance of surviving. However, the addition of Ex-Samson vocalist Bruce Dickinson (yes, THE Bruce Dickinson) meant that not only did Maiden survive – it thrived. Dickinson’s operatic vocals and enthusiastic, sweaty appeals to the crowds of screaming fans to “Scream for” him fit the double barreled assault of Iron Maiden like a pair of zebra-striped tights. Classic album after classic album followed suit. And despite a brief period when Dickinson was replaced with the less-than-inspiring Blaze Bayley, Dickinson has taken the boys to new levels of success, fame, and world domination.

Advantage: Maiden

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Given the superlative performance in this Scientifically Conducted Contest, it looks like a landslide. By a score of six to one, Iron Maiden handily defeats the United Nations.

Up next: Iron Maiden vs. The Innocent Laughter of a Child!

Do you have any suggestions for whom Iron Maiden should do battle with next? Feel free to leave them in the comments section, where they will likely be ignored!

In Defense of...Judas Iscariot

You don't have to subscribe to Christianity to know the name Judas. It is a title that is synonymous with betrayal, often used to describe a person who has turned against their principles and lost the trust of the people that love them (think Bob Dylan going electric). Calling someone Judas, of course, is derived from the actions of Judas Iscariot (pictured to the left of Jesus), one of the original twelve Apostles of Jesus Christ.

According to the Gregorian calendar, Jesus died at the hands of the Romans well nigh 2,009 years ago. As the story goes, Jesus was a simple man destined for magnificent things. He lived his life modestly as a carpenter, following in the footsteps of Joseph, the husband of his mother Mary. His real father, of course, was God. God instructed Jesus to be his mouthpiece on Earth, preaching the good life to all who would listen. Jesus developed quite a following, performing various miracles, healing the sick, practicing general do-goodery. His lifestyle and teachings, however, did not automatically ingratiate Jesus with all his Jewish acquaintances. Toward the end of his brief life, he had made numerous religious enemies, and his friends were keenly aware of the new wave in which they were a crucial part.

Jesus, through the omniscience of God, knew his own demise was imminent, and as any good socialite would, he planned a going away dinner with his disciples. At this Last Supper, Jesus foretold the events that were to come, and made it clear that one of the present Apostles would betray him. That individual, as history shows, would turn out to be Judas Iscariot.

Judas was effectively the treasurer of Jesus's crew. He is referred to in the Gospel of John as keeping the "money bag"* for the Apostles. Like any good entrepreneur, Judas was well aware of his unique position, and the market for the good that only he and few others could provide. Judas therefore arranged to sell Jesus to the Romans for a profit of "thirty pieces of silver"*, more than enough to buy that new fishing net he had been eyeing.

A night or two after the Last Supper (Wikipedia was foggy on the exact date, and I haven't been to mass in years), Jesus and the Apostles were relaxing in a garden. The Romans were tipped off by Judas, arrested Jesus, and hurried him off to Pontius Pilate.

Though he had rationalized his actions at the time, Judas quickly realized what a treacherous act he had committed and was filled with remorse. Note that a successful businessman would have realized that pain, suffering, and deciet are just part of the game. Judas returned the silver, and like a billionaire fallen prey to a Ponzi scheme, he hanged himself*.

In defense of Judas Iscariot, two issues arise:

• If Jesus knew that events would play out in this manner, why go through the posturing? If his death was part of a prophecy, would Judas not have simply been doing what was necessary, playing the role as pre-determined by God? Why make a big stink of it at the Last Supper. Did even Jesus feel compelled to air his dirty laundry to anyone who would listen?
• Along this lines, if Jesus knew he would be rising from the dead a mere 72 hours later, why would he allow Judas to kill himself? Jesus had to have known what lied in store; I mean, he was the flipping son of God! He'll raise Lazarus from the dead but let Judas kill himself? That's preposterous and has bothered me since Sunday school.

Ultimately, though Judas had dollar signs in his eyes and the cold steel heart of a landlord, even he realized the error of his ways and refused to live with his disgrace. We may be quick to label those who betray us as a "Judas", but what do we call repentant, remorseful individuals who simply make bad decisions they regret? We call them "friends", because we all make mistakes. At the end of the day, we need to be honest with ourselves, just like Judas. God did not fault Judas Iscariot, we did.

* source: The Bible by way of Wikipedia

American Idol Returns

Its that time America. Time to tune in to a weekly karaoke contest posing as a hunt for the next great American pop superstar. I hate most things on TV, but I will admit to watching this. I myself have picked up the karaoke mic before, but unlike these people I haven't deluded myself into thinking I can sing. The auditions kind of suck, but when a complete clusterfuck of a person makes it to Hollywood you're in for a treat. Sometimes even the singers the judges gush over are beyond horrible, like Blake "Beaker" Lewis and his inane beatboxing. To get you ready for season 8, since I know you'll be watching whether you admit it or not, lets take a look back at past winners:

Season 1 - Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is actually talented, so for a brief minute it looked like American Idol may actually succeed in producing music superstars. Then they made her release a CD of 70's AM radio schlock. Her second CD Breakaway was more of her own work, wonderfully poppy and better than expected. She's a little chunky, but I still kind of dig her.

Season 2 - Ruben Studdard

Who? Oh yeah, the fat dude who beat out the homosexual muppet. Its truly amazing Fox didn't pull the plug on the show after this debacle.

Season 3 - Fantasia Barrino

You are far more likely to be hit by lighting while reading this sentence than you are to own a Fantasia CD. Even if you count the soundtrack to the Disney movie, the odds still aren't high. Season 3 isn't remembered for its winner, but for booting off Jennifer Hudson. She wasn't good enough to win Simon Cowell's karaoke night, but she was good enough to win an Oscar.

Season 4 - Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is the perfect modern country singer: Blond hair, nice body, and absolutely no discernible talent. Have you heard this awful Before He Cheats song? She's basically gloating about being a vindictive psycho bitch.

Season 5 - Taylor Hicks

The gray haired Hicks, who is a hick, beat out Scientology enthusiast Katherine McPhee for the season 5 title. I know absolutely nothing else about this year except that this is the rock Chris Daughtry crawled out from under. Nickelback replaced Creed, and Daughtry had hoped to replace Nickelback, but unfortunately for him those canucks aren't done raping music yet.

Season 6 - Jordin Sparks

OK, this is where I came in. Sanjaya Malakar was making a mockery of the entire show every week and there were some people who actually didn't suck too hard. It was win win. In the end, Phillippi Sparks' daughter beat out a beatboxing muppet (what is it with this show and guys who look like muppets?), a disco queen, and an albino to win. She's actually gone on to have a decent career so far.

Season 7 - David Cook

All the tweens wanted David Archuleta to win this season, but cooler heads prevailed and Cook beat him out. Cook isn't that great either, he's another Creed/Nickelback/Daughtry clone, but Archuleta is a weird little shit. The tweens and their moms liked him because he looks asexual and non-threatening, but one day they're going to catch him with like 20 dead Filipino boys under his house. You heard it here first.

Season 8 - ????

Oh yes, here we are. Who will win? Who cares? Just tune in and watch the train go off the rails. Tattoo girl seems pretty good though. There's a new female judge, which means they expect Paula Abdul to OD on pain killers before next season and there are supposedly fewer gimmicks like Men Without Hats Night. SEACREST OUT.

"Where are all the Filipino boys at?"

Pomp On TV: Mad About You

There are things in this world that are so pompous, they make monocles and ascots look like something a hobo would wear to the local soup kitchen.

There are things in this world that are so pompous, they make lamb shanks look like day-old White Castle sliders.

There are things in this world that are so pompous that even Keith Olbermann won't go head to head with them.

One such thing is the show Mad About You.

I've always had a long standing grudge against Mad About You. Don't get me wrong, I can deal with pompous happenings in my life. But Mad About You takes pomposity to an entirely new level. Nay, labeling it with mere words is a futile effort, one that will most likely land a normal man or woman in the hospital, nude and weeping.

Every once in a while, television can do pompous comedy just right. The perfect example of this is Frasier. For 11 amazing seasons, Frasier was at the top of the pomp world, hurling insults and witty banter back and forth like a well-played ping pong match (Side Note: Ping Pong = VERY pompous). But where Frasier succeeded was being in on its own joke. From day 1, Frasier knew that it was completely pompous and embraced that fact.

Mad About You failed when it tried to hide its pompousness and pretend to be a show about an average newlywed couple and their 'everyday problems'. Sorry, Mad About You, but you are completely unrealistic and I hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Let's take a look at how ridiculously pompous every aspect of this show was.

This is Pompous Guy. We'll look at each pompous feature of Mad About You and award it anywhere from 1 to 5 Pompous Guys.

Paul Reiser's character on the show went to NYU film school and is a successful documentary filmmaker.

Are you serious? We're only on the first point and already the pompous level is dangerously in the red! We're going to need to slow down here or the Pomp Meter is going to overload! I award you 5 Pompous Guys.

Paul Reiser plays a character *creatively* named 'Paul'.

You can't get much more pompous than playing a character on a TV show or in a movie that shares your actual name. What, are you too lazy to remember that when someone says 'Frank, what do you think?' that you have to respond because that's your character's name? Are you saying that you're better than 99% of all actors ever in the history of time? Yes you are, and for that, I award 4.5 Pompous Guys.

'Paul' and his wife Jamie (Helen Hunt) live in Greenwich Village.

I've never been to New York, but I found this on Wikipedia: Greenwich Village was known in the late 19th/earlier to mid 20th centuries as the bohemian capital, and the birthplace of the Beat Movement. Ironically, what provided the initial attractive character of the community eventually contributed to its gentrification and excessive commercialization.

If that's not a pompous place to live, I don't know what is. 5 Pompous Guys.

During 1997, the show's theme song switched in midseason.

You can't even wait for the end of a season to change up the theme song to your show? The Spanish have a term to describe you, Mad About You: El Pompsito! Dos y medio Senors de Pompous! Ole!

Four Legs = Quadruple the pompousness.

You know your show is pompous when one of the most popular characters is the dog. And that dog chases an invisible mouse. Dumb. Also, Murray the dog's name in real life? Murray. 3 Pompous Guys.

In the final episode, you fast forward in time.

A staple of pompous shows set in New York (See: Will and Grace), at the end of Mad About You, their baby is shown all grown up. Not only that, but pompous things are thrown in for no apparent reason. Remember the dog I just mentioned? In the final episode, Mabel (the grown up version of the baby) says that Murray the dog died when she was six, but she was not told until she was twelve. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT TO THEIR KID? What did they tell the little 6 year old when she asked about where her dog went? Why did they lie to her for the next 6 years??? Unnecessary lying about pets? That's damn pompous. 4.5 Pompous Guys.

Speaking of Mabel...

You know how the daughter on the show came to have the name 'Mabel'? It stands for 'Mothers Always Bring Extra Love'. Are you kidding me??? "Not only am I going to give my daughter a stupid meaning behind her name, but it's going to be a tribute to how awesome I think I am!" If the Pompous Scale went to eight million, I don't think it would be enough to measure the sheer level of pomposity. Add to that the fact that grown-up Mabel was played by Janeane Garofalo, one of the most pompous comics on the planet, and you're reaching unmeasurable and potentially dangerous levels of pompousness. We'll have to settle for just 5 Pompous Guys, but even if you took Pompous Guy and his entire polo team and their families, that still wouldn't be enough.

Mad About You was an early-to-mid-nineties sitcom on NBC.

Just being in the same category with Seinfeld and Frasier can bump you up by at least 2-3 Pompous Guys. Shit, even The Single Guy rates a 2.5 on this fact alone! I award 4 Pompous Guys.

The entire show was based on cute little problems that never happen to real people. Ever.

This is what makes me hate Mad About You so much and what really drives the final nail into the pompous coffin. Like I said earlier, this show tried so hard to make itself seem like it was about 2 normal, everyday people that deal with the same everyday problems as the audience watching it. HA! I wish the worst problem I had to deal with during the holidays was the fact that my significant other and I accidentally bought each other the exact...same...CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! Oh my God!!! How quirky and funny!!!

They have little problems like that, exactly the way that nobody does in real life.

Go on iTunes and just read some of the episode descriptions for Mad About You. The sheer pompousness of just the descriptions defies all logic:

Season 3, Episode 4: When I'm Sixty-Four

Arriving home with a new armoire, Jamie is surprised to find it doesn't fit through their apartment doorway. Calling on their super, Mr. Wicker, for help, Paul begins to suspect that his wife's poor eyesight caused her to misread the measurements.

If that episode actually happened in real life, I think the description would have ended up more something along these lines:

Arriving home with a new armoire, Jaime wonders why it is that she was even buying an armoire in the first place, other than the fact that something similar worked on Seinfeld once, so what the hell, right? Calling on their super, Mr. Wicker, for help, Paul secretly seethes as his wife continues to spend his money on frivolous things she doesn't need. Mr. Wicker tells both of them to fuck off and that they'd better not be keeping a dog in their apartment.

Or what about this fantastic gem from later in the season?

Season 3, Episode 9: Once More, With Feeling

During an after-sex conversation, Jaime concludes that Paul doesn't like her new haircut or her meatloaf, while he is convinced that she thinks he is getting fat and that she hated their trip to Aruba.

Here's how it really would have happened:

During an after-sex conversation, Paul falls asleep. Jaime then gets high so she can daydream of a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell as she struggles to fall asleep unfulfilled and unloved.

Doesn't get much more pompous than that, does it? I award the maximum score of 5 Pompous Guys.

That gives Mad About You a score of 38.5 Pompous Guys out of a potential 45. Why out of 45 and not something like 50 or 100? Because even and round numbers aren't pompous at all, jerk. Look buddy, I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it's hard to spell. With that, I say good day to you.

I said...good...day!