Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 3

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Classic NFL. Nothing ever goes as thought. Teams that are supposed to suck beat teams that are supposed to be good. Guys get hurt and drastically alter game plans. We should have a good handle on how things will play out some time late November.

Helping me out today is Chaim Witz who chipped in on several of today's game writeups.

Atlanta 38
Kansas City 14
How is Herm Edwards still employed? The once proud Chiefs have been run into the ground. Christian Okoye's good name is being tarnished. Meanwhile, the Falcons are showing some signs of life. I don't think anyone is shitting their pants when they see ATL on the schedule, but they look like they'll put up a good (dog) fight.

Buffalo 24
Oakland 23
Buffalo struggled for 3 quarters until someone finally reminded them they were playing the Oakland Raiders. JaMarcus Russell threw 3 passes in the second half. 3. THREE. You assholes wasted a first round pick on this clown. Al Davis will have plenty of company in his cold grave as this franchise has already been driven deep into the ground. Meanwhile Buffalo went throwback with their uniforms. An angry OJ Simpson immediately began scoping out random wedding receptions for a new crew to steal back his 'memorabilia'.

Tampa Bay 27
Chicago 24
Charles Tillman wins the "Dipshit of the Week" award for his penalty-inducing altercation with Michael Clayton. Apparently pinning the opposition against their own endzone to force a fourth down in overtime was just too easy. Charles wanted a greater degree of difficulty.

Hooray to Kyle Orton for giving the Bears some semblance of a pass attack. Although some credit certainly has to go to Brandon Lloyd for actually catching the balls thrown to him, a concept that continues to escape Rashied Davis and Greg Olsen.

Minnesota 20
Carolina 10
Gus Frerotte is inserted in at QB and promptly leads the Vikings to their first victory. Playing veteran QB's over young guys is the new black. The NFC is going to be wild this year. Really, the Rams and Lions are the only two teams that you can really say 'suck' and don't have a shot at the playoffs. That's right. The NFC is the new AFC.

Miami 38
New England 13
The Sam Casell Matt Cassel Honeymoon lasted all of one game. New England is handed it first regular season loss since the Cuban Missle Crisis by the Dolphins of all teams. Actually, Ronnie 'No Relation to Bobby' Brown beat the Patriots, almost singlehandedly. Five touchdowns is a real dick puncher. After the game, he was seen mockingly wearing Belichick's sleeveless hoodie.

Obviously this would've been different had Tom Brady played. Brady could've been in full uniform as Ronnie Brown made New England's defense look like idiots.

New York Giants 26
Cincinnati 23
God damn you Cincinnati. I at least give you credit for nearly beating these assholes. This game irritated me on so many levels.

• I just don't get the overall man love CBS and other media heads have for Eli Manning. My only guess is that it's like having the retarded kid take on some big responsibility and we shower them with inordinate amounts of praise regardless if they are doing the job worth a damn. I was able to secure an official statement from Dan Dierdorf who was kind enough to say, "Eli Manning, OMG, skeet, skeet, SKEET!"
• Am I the only one somewhat bothered that the officials didn't review the Amani Toomer tiptoe catch along the sideline? I'm not saying he was out of bounds, but in overtime something as close as that should get a second look.
• At one point, while discussing the Cardinals, Dierdorf made some comment that Ken Whisenhunt obviously didn't care about starting the most talented QB on their team. Pardon my French Dan, but maybe if you got your cock out of Matt Leinart's ass he could've thrown the ball better in preseason. I'm amazed you even had time to service Fatty Matty, what with your busy schedule of fellating Eli Manning.
• /angryrant>
  

Tennessee 31
Houston 12
Houston is the Arizona of the AFC. For a few years now, they've been the trendy 'sleeper pick', but then every year without fail, they suck. Getting beat by the Kerry Collins led Oilers does nothing to reduce that amount of sucktitude. Matt Schaub's ineptitude could usher in a Cyclone rising, with Sage Rosenfels waiting in the wings.

Washington 24
Arizona 17
Watching this game, it was pretty clear that the Cardinals were the better team, but they kept beating themselves because after all, they are still the Cardinals. Kurt Warner and Company couldn't make plays down the stretch and their defense had no answer to Jason Campbell's dinks and dunks. Also of note, judging by the crowd shots, every single Redskins fan is morbidly obese.

Denver 34
New Orleans 32
And old-fashioned shootout this one was. The Saints could've won but Martin Gramatica missed a field goal late in the game. Gramatica still isn't the same since a certain Mr. Romo ruined his chance at glory a few years back.

San Francisco 31
Detroit 13
The 49ers are probably a little better than you think. The Lions on the other hand, are much worse than you think. I say this knowing full well that you already think that they're the worst team in the league. Mad Scientist Mike Martz up to his old tricks again, but unlike his stint in D-town, he might actually have the weapons to pull it off this time. Frank Gore rushed for 130 yards while eating a sandwich and sleeping with your girlfriend.

Seattle 37
St. Louis 13
Another game, another blow out. The Rams. I mean wow. Greatest Show on Turf, where have you gone? This current edition couldn't even pass for 'Mildly Entertaining Yet Ultimately Disappointing Show That Occurs on Turf'. And something about the Seahawks just angers me. They don't really have the long history of douchiness that a team like the Cowboys do, but I still hate them. Maybe it's Matt Hasslebeck. He really seems like he'd be like an intolerable son of a bitch.

Baltimore 28
Cleveland 10
The Ravens suck. Lucky for them the Browns suck even more.

Jacksonville 23
Indianapolis 21
Jacksonville finally gets their first win and the Colts drop to 1-2. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense still doesn't look quite like their usual self. After two dismal showings in the first couple weeks, the Jaguars running game turned it on as Fred Taylor finished with 121 yards rushing to go along with Maurice Jones-Drew's 107.

Philadelphia 15
Pittsburgh 6
Is there any doubt on who the real MVP of the Eagles is? With Brian Westrbook out, the Eagles offense struggled to put points on the board. Luckily for them the Steelers offense had even worse luck scoring as the Eagles defense made Big Ben's life a living hell, sacking him 8 times.

Dallas 27
Green Bay 16
Dallas gets it done in Lambeau. Who the hell is Miles Austin?


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (421 yards, 1 TD)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (113 yards rushing, 4 TD plus 1 passing TD)
WR - T.J. Houshmandzadeh, CIN (12 catches, 146 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Brandon Marshall, DEN (6 catches, 155 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Jerramy Stevens, TB (5 catches, 61 rec yards, 1 TD, humongous douchebag)
DEF - Philadelphia (6 points allowed, 9 sacks, 1 interception, 1 safety, 2 fumble recoveries vs. Pittsburgh)


The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Ben Roethlisberger, PIT (13-25, 131 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 2 fumbles lost)
RB - Earnest Graham, TB (16 yards)
WR - Reggie Williams, JAC (1 catch, 11 yards)
WR - David Patten, NO (2 catches, 12 yards)
TE - Ben Watson, NE (1 catch, 6 yards)
DEF - New England (38 points allowed vs. Ronnie Brown)

Monday Night Pick
Jets (+8.5) over the Chargers. Screw you Norv Turner, you make me not know what to believe any more.

God dammit Charlie!

E-Claire's Kollege Kegger

Crack open a beer...Because college football season is officially underway! So each week, I will (attempt) to recap the best - and the worst - games for you in quick and easy fashion...Much like your girlfriend at a frat party...Zing!

Premium games on tap:

No. 6 LSU def. No. 10 Auburn 26-21: Unlike last week's USC/Ohio State match up, this game actually lived up to the hype. Here's a quick recap: The Tigers were leading 3-0 after the first quarter...But then the Tigers scored 14 in the second quarter to take the lead. However, the Tigers fought back in the third quarter - scoring 14 points of their own. The Tigers tacked on a field goal in the fourth quarter to make it 20-14, but then those pesky Tigers scored a touchdown to make it 21-20. But the Tigers were not about to lose this game - they scored a touchdown with about a minute left to give them the 26-21 lead - and the victory. Yes - it was an exciting game, but I knew the Tigers were going to win all along...

NC State def. No. 15 East Carolina 30-24 in OT: The Pirates' Cinderella run came to an end with an OT loss to unranked NC State. The Wolfpack were a thorn in East Carolina's side for most of the game. Whenever the Pirates scored, NC State would come back and score points of their own - including a touchdown with about a minute left in regulation to send the game into overtime. Then, in OT, Patrick Pinkney was stripped of the football, setting up NC State's winning touchdown. This game was a nice win for NC State, but I feel bad for East Carolina - since this loss pretty much shuts the door on their BCS bowl hopes.

No. 25 Fresno State def. Toledo 55-54 in 2OT: Toledo fought hard in this game. The Bulldogs needed 2 overtimes to defeat the Rockets - who were handed the loss after failing to convert the 2-point conversion in the second overtime. Quick side note: If the Rockets don't come onto the field to Def Leppard's "Rocket," they should...

Honorable mention: No. 20 Utah def. Air Force 30-23 (Utah scored the winning touchdown with 58 seconds remaining); Boise State def. No. 17 Oregon 37-32 (Oregon, despite its quarterback issues, made a valiant 4th quarter comeback - but fell short); Colorado def. No. 21 West Virginia 17-14 in OT (West Virginia is upset again).

Games that resembled the foam at the end of a keg of Natty Light:

No. 4 Florida def. Tennessee 30-6: You'd think that after losing to Florida for 3 years straight, the Vols would get all fired up and kick some ass, right? Nope. They've now lost to the Gators 4 years in a row. Tennessee fans booed the team, and started leaving in the 3rd quarter. Ouch. Let's hope the Vols can get back on track.

Tulsa def. New Mexico 56-14: Not only did Tulsa rout New Mexico, but did you know that Tulsa spelled backwards is "A Slut?" I'm so mature.


TMS Alma Mater roundup (schools attended by TMS bartenders highlighted in green):

No. 16 Penn State def. Temple 45-3: Penn State kicks ass again.

Pittsburgh def. Iowa 21-20: This was Iowa's first loss of the season.

No. 18 Wake Forest def. No. 24 Florida State12-3: Field goals? Yes, please.

Purdue def. Central Michigan 32-25: Purdue's Kory Sheets scored the winning touchdown with a minute left in the game.

Northern Iowa def. South Dakota State 34-20: UNI quarterback Pat Grace threw for 2 touchdowns, and ran for 2 more.


Arizona def. UCLA 31-10: UCLA improved in 2 ways this week. #1: They scored some points. #2: They didn't lose 59-0.

Illinois Wesleyan University def. Aurora 31-28: Illinois Wesleyan scored twice in the final 5 minutes to get the win.

Euerka College, San Diego State - DNP this week.

Cubs Vs. Brewers, 9/18

On Thursday, the wife and I played hooky from work and headed south to the Friendly Confines for one last regular season game. We would be sitting in the bleachers for the first time since the infamous 'Thunderfist' weekend back in August, when most of the bartenders were in town. The bleachers always seem to lend themselves to drunken shenanigans, and Thursday was no exception.

After a gluttonous breakfast of cinnamon rolls and other sugar-covered pastries at Ann Sather, we arrived at Wrigley in time to stake out some seats in the left field bleachers. Little did we know at the time, but we had just entered the Cougar Den.

Middle-aged woman, freed from the bonds of marriage, surrounded us. Fanny packs, big bangs, estrogen, tight tops and drunken professions of Sarah Palin-love assaulted us from every direction. There were two girls closer to our age sitting directly in front of us that Katy quickly befriended. When you're stuck in the Cougar Den, you need to adapt or die.

Seated directly in front us were 3 older gentlemen, right next to the two girls that Katy befriended. One of these older gentlemen clearly had a soft spot for young babes and he began to chat them up about his 30 year reunion. They humored him long enough for him to buy them multiple rounds of beers.

Later on, much the horror of my PG-lifestyle, he removed his shirt and tried to get the girls to paint 'WHS' on his chest. Wheeling High School. Yeah, cause everyone will know what that means. The girls were appropriately appalled, and left to his own devices, he fashioned a crude and barely readable WHS on his chest. The 'W' sweated through shortly there-after and ended up looking like 'VHS' instead.

"Look at this guy. He must really hate DVDs!"

There were also some younger guys a few rows up who were so inspired by WHS that they decided to paint various Cubs-related propaganda on their chest and back. The results were amateurish at best. One guy's friend wrote 'Lee' (as in Derek) on his buddy's back, but feeling that it lacked 'ooomph', added a crude drawing of male genitalia for good measure. I don't imagine that Derek Lee would approve of such imagery.

Oh, and then there's the game. It was one for the ages. The Cubs trailed 6-2 going into the bottom of the ninth and got 2 quick outs. A couple of hits later and it was a 6-3 game, with 2 runners on for Geovany Soto, who promptly deposited the first pitch he saw from Solomon Torres into the bleachers, tying the game at 6. Pandemonium ensued. Beer rained down from the sky, strangers were hugged and WHS guy had a mild heart attack. I even tried to high five one of the Palin Cougars, but she said 'thanks but no thanks' to that emotional bridge that I was trying to build.

The game went into extra innings and the Cubs won 7-6 on a two out single by Derek Lee in the 12th. I raised the roof. Off to the Gingerman Tavern after the game, where we celebrated the victory bellied up to the bar, laying waste to a couple pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon. A beer that's easy on the wallet, but hard on the digestive system.

Deciding that we needed something to eat since those cinnamon buns were a distant memory and the PBR wasn't doing us any favors, we headed across the street to Wrigleyville Dogs, a greasy spoon of epic proportions, where you can't order anything that is not either deep fried or covered in cheese. Most items are both. We settled on the cheese fries and Italian Beef, which given our impaired judgement, were deemed 'fantastic'. At this point I had put on a straw cowboy hat (over my Cubs hat) that we found lying on our table, so my judgement was questionable at best, potentially treasonous at worst.

We were the only ones in there, save for some completely inebriated guy who sat alone at a table, wondering where his life went. At one point, when Katy went up to the counter (to get us more cheese fries!), Joe Sixpack handed her his cell phone so that she could tell his buddy where exactly he was. The details of the conversation remain sketchy, but it ended with the guy getting mad at Katy, asking her if I was her 'BFF' and eventually hurling french fry at us from 3 tables away. Luckily my straw hat was able to guard against any further shrapnel that came our way.

Tired and sunburnt, our bellies full of cheese fries and cheap beer, we hopped on the Clark bus and headed home, where a soft bed and and a hungry cat lie in wait. The Cubs won. Straw hats won. But with a killer sunburn, indigestion and work the next day, one could argue that I had lost. But I didn't see it that way. Then again, as I mentioned previously, my judgement lost all merit once I threw that straw hat on. So let's call it a draw.

Someone threw this baseball into the air right as I was snapping a photo. Cool stuff.

Wheeling High School! Woooo!

His body is a canvas. A really, really crappy canvas.

Wrigleyville Dogs. Sunburnt, a mouth full of cheese fries and a Bret Michaels hat.

By the Way...

The Cubs clinched their second consecutive Central Division title yesterday. As if you weren't already aware of that. There have been unconfirmed reports of a drunken and despondent Kosuke Fukudome wandering the streets of Chicago in the wee hours of the morning, donning a kimono flailing about with an imaginary baseball bat. While we don't know if this is true, we have verified that Ted Lilly left his wedding ring in the clubhouse and proceeded to dance the night away at John Barleycorn.

Now we rest our starters and wait. So, who do the readers prefer that the Cubs end up playing in the first round, the Dodgers, the Mets, or the Phillies? Each seems a little unsettling in their own right. We'll get a preview of the Mets of course starting on Monday.

Link Bulimia

Welcome to Link Bulimia, where purging never felt so good. This is your one stop shop for all the stupid, violent, and horrifying links that I stumble across during my weekly laps around the internets. If you happen to find something particularly jarring to where you'll never be able to "un-see" it, please pass it right along to linkbulimia@gmail.com. Enjoy and make sure to wash your hands afterward.

Vedder sings "All The Way" at the Vic. The end gave me goosebumps. (The Big Blog)

Here's a version without the drunkenness.

American sports are lacking witchcraft. (NBC Sports)

Trump and Blaine: Together at Last! (Best Week Ever)

Burger King Onion Ring Snack Chips. My God. (Fast Food Critic)

How to check for a leak. (The Trib)

Has the Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet? (?)

Design your own fruit rollup cut out. Anything goes. (Myfruitrollups)

This dog is smarter than I am. (YouTube)

Graph of the Cubs game yesterday charting win probability (note how the Brewers are at 99% in the 9th inning). (Fan Graphs)

Magic Number: 2

Chalk it up as yet another amazing comeback this season for the Cubs.

The magic number is down to 2, and barring a horrid weekend series against the Cards, we should be clinched some time very soon.

Chaim was in attendance for this game and will likely be providing a rousing recap at some point.


i heart soto.

Celebrity NFL Picks Week 3 with Sarah Palin

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will periodically bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week Bono went 9-6 (The Houston game didn't happen. Apparently they had a little problem with rain and wind.) leaving our celebrities a mediocre 18-13 on the year. This week, Republican vice-Presidential nominee and GILF Sarah Palin continues her string of hard hitting interviews by picking NFL games on a little read blog.

When asked if I would do the TMS weekly NFL picks, I said thanks but no thanks. None the less, here I am.

Kansas City at Atlanta
Two years ago, Tyler Thigpen was mayor of Snowshit, NE. Today he's the starting QB for the Chiefs! Yay!

Pick: Falcons 9 Chiefs 3

Oakland at Buffalo
Whats the difference between Al Davis and a pitbull? Lipstick. (what?)

Pick: Bills 27 Raiders 6

Cincinatti at NY Giants
I would totally leave the First Dude for Eli.

Pick: Giants 73 Bengals 0

Miami at New England
If I lived in Miami, I wouldn't need that tanning bed.

Pick: Pats 24 Dolphins 7

Houston at Tennessee
You can actually see Tennessee from Alaska.

Pick: Titans 19 Texans 8

Tampa Bay at Chicago
Kyle Orton knocked up Bristol.

Pick: Bucs 20 Bears 17

Arizona at Washington
Redskins? I'm not playing the race-card.

Pick: Cardinals 27 Noble Native Americans 18

Carolina at Minnesota
They have snowmobile races in Minnesota.

Pick: Panthers 21 Vikings 20

New Orleans at Denver
Shanahan's call to go for two was gutsier than picking an incompetent no-name like me for vice-President.

Pick: Broncos 31 Saints 21

Detroit at San Francisco
Detroit continues to say thanks but no thanks to winning.

Pick: 49ers 29 Lions 15

St. Louis at Seattle
Being a small town mayor is kind of like being the Rams quarterback, except you have actual responsibilities...

Pick: Seahags 35 Rams 7

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
*Governor Palin has refused to pick this game calling it a partisan witch hunt. Therefore, I will pick it on her behalf...

Pick: Eagles 28 Steelers 17

Cleveland at Baltimore
Pick this game? In what respect Charlie?

Pick: Orioles 12 Cavs 10

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 14 Jags 9

Dallas at Green Bay
Oh no! My teleprompter just broke. I'll just ad-lib. Uhh...uhhh...Mooseburgers!

Pick: Packers 34 Cowboys 31

NY Jets at San Diego
The name Ladanian is almost weird enough for one of my kids!

Pick: Chargers 41 Jets 17

Thank you Governor. That was awful.

Cubs of Yore: George Waddell

In a world where no other Cubs of Yore requests have ever been made, Rube Waddell is the most requested one, garnering at least three requests. Rube was one colorful character, to say the least. I first heard of Rube when stumbling across a Chip Wesley mercenary piece over at what was then The Sports Yenta. Though it's tough to tell the fact from fiction surrounding this honyack, it's one that will surely make you chuckle.

Nickname: Rube, Hayseed

Played for The Cub: 1901, and technically for The Chicago Orphans

Random Write-up: Rube originally made his debut in the big leagues in 1897 with the Louisville Colonels, appearing in 10 games as a pitcher in his first two seasons, before he and his teammate Honus Wagner were traded to Pittsburgh. His eccentric personality lead him to bounce around teams quite a bit, earning the nickname "Mike Morgan Before Mike Morgan Was Around". Even with his crazy persona, his services were definitely in need, as his lifetime career ERA of 2.16 boasts. His lone year in Chicago saw him go 14-14 with 26 of those being a complete game, striking out 168 with a 2.81 ERA. His short tenure in Chicago also showed that (for at least one year) he was no easy wind with the bat either. He hit .251 with 2 home runs, 14 RBI, 3 doubles and three triples in 98 at-bats.

It would be his move to Philadelphia where his numbers really began to take off. Just look at a few of these lines, and pay particular attention to his K's in relation to innings pitched:

Year	Team	G	GS	W	L	PCT	ERA	CG	SHO	SV	IP	H	ER	R	HR	BB	SO	WP	HBP
1902	Athletics	33	27	24	7	.774	2.05	26	3	0	276.1	224	63	90	7	64	210	11	10
1903	Athletics	39	38	21	16	.568	2.44	34	4	0	324	274	88	109	3	85	302	9	8
1904	Athletics	46	46	25	19	.568	1.62	39	8	0	383	307	69	109	5	91	349	8	15
1905	Athletics	46	34	27	10	.730	1.48	27	7	0	328.2	231	54	86	5	90	287	10	10
1906	Athletics	43	34	15	17	.469	2.21	22	8	0	272.2	221	67	89	1	92	196	10	10
1907	Athletics	44	33	19	13	.594	2.15	20	7	0	284.2	234	68	115	2	73	232	4	16

Stats courtesty of Baseball-Almanac.com

What the hell?: Sure, his baseball statistics alone look like video games numbers, and you can see why he was elected to The Hall of Fame in 1945. All of that aside, it was perhaps his zany personality and off-the-field antics that have really made his legend grow. Always known as being extremely immature, Rube struggled with the simplest of things like remembering to pay rent while in the minors, leaving the Chicago team to join a Wild West Show, going into the stands to fight someone that had taunted him, and missing practice after going on benders. If management tried to tighten the reigns on him, he'd simply quit the Major League team and sign on with a semi-pro traveling team, getting payed room and board. As tales of his success with said traveling teams made their way back to the bigs, Connie Mack persuaded him to return, even going so far as to hire the famous Pinkerton Agents to bring him back to Philly.

Even in the bigs, Waddell was still known to miss starts. What could possibly keep him away? Beer? Women? Well, how about deciding to go fishing. Or challenging the local street kids to games of marbles. And let's not leave out wrestling an alligator in a nearby lagoon in Florida during Spring Training. But those were all off-the-field antics. Surely he had to be all business when he was on the mound, right? Nope. On more than one occasion, Rube would call in all the players in the infield and outfield, striking out the side. To Rube's credit, however, he only did this in exhibition games. He frequently pitched games while drunk, which is astonishing considering his numbers.

Just some of Rube's hobbies: helping fight fires, drinking, getting married, tending bar in his baseball uniform, theatre acting, fighting, leaving mid-season, saving people's lives, and leading parades, rugby, professional football player.

Also of Note: Rube's 349 K's in 1904 still stands as the most strikeouts in one season for a left handed pitcher in the American League. Rube is also one of only 6 pitchers in baseball history to have back-to-back 300 strikeout seasons.

Further Sources of All Things Rube:
http://www.chinmusic.net/RubeWaddell.html
http://rumorsandrants.com/2007/04/sports-bloggers-reveal-their-favorite-baseball-players.html
http://rubewaddell.net/
http://www.baseball-reference.com/w/wadderu01.shtml

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"He (Rube Waddell) was the atom bomb of baseball long before the atom bomb was discovered. . ." - Connie Mack

"Sell him, release him, drop him off the Monongahela Bridge; do anything with him you like, so long as you get him off my ball team!" - Pittsburgh manager Fred Clarke demanding of owner Barney Dreyfuss

No player that ever lived, not even Babe Ruth, has so captured the affections of the fans of his day as did Waddell." - The Sporting News - November 4, 1926

FIVE STRENUOUS DAYS RUBE WADDELL SPENDS, THEN GOES TO BUTLER Throws Up His Job with "Stain of Guilt" Company, Butts in at a Fire, Hires Out as a Beer Slinger, and is Sued by Wife for Non-Support - local paper in Wheeling, WV

He would rip open his shirt and let four people stand on his chest, then lift himself into a kind of human bridge. This he once executed, according to the writer, "in a Fourth Avenue wet goods emporium (where) a quartet of the female species were the first aids to the big boob." - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

"He had the classic flaws of the mythological hero. He had an Achilles brain. He was a legitimate hero, standing in the flood waters trying to build a sand bag wall to save a small town in Kentucky, which ultimately led to his death at age 37. He was born on Friday the 13th and died on April Fool's Day. When it gets to the big screen, people will say, 'Aw, that's just Hollywood.'" - Screenwriter Dan O'Brien

You Make the Call

Al Davis......or Al Davis?

Magic Number: 4

Cubs Win: Check

Brewers Loss: Check

Prove for the second time that CC Sabathia is actually human: Check

Aside from some late inning drama, everything seemed to go as planned for the Cubs tonight. I'll be the first to admit that I was one of the many Cub fans that was freaking out at this time last week. And now everything seems to be going right. The Cubs have the chance to clinch early enough to get rested and ready for the playoffs, but not so soon that they rin the chance of being rusty by not having to play a ton of meaningless games (*cough*Angels*cough*).

Jason Marquis takes the mound tomorrow. Surprising fact: Marquis' ERA in July and August? Under 4. And his ERA in 2 September starts? 2.70. Of course, now that I've said that he'll most likely get shelled tomorrow.

In Other News...

- The Mets continue their now-annual tradition of losing big games to the Nationals at the end of the season. And the Phillies got a big late-inning homer from Ryan Howard to win, taking sole posession of first place in the NL East. Remember 2 weeks ago when Carlos Delgado was getting MVP talk despite his low batting average? What about Ryan Howard? He's got more homers, RBI's and wins. And a much surlier attitude.

- The race between the Rays and the Red Sox is much more interesting than I thought it would be. The Rays came back and beat the Sox on a walk off hit despite a fantastic start by Josh Beckett.

- The Yankees: Still suck.

ESPN3?

It seems like the Worldwide Leader In Sports is an avid reader of our very own Monday Afternoon Hangover. DJ Gallo has unveiled a new NFL wrapup column as well. The title? Monday Afternoon Hangover.

Check out this selection from this week's TMS Hangover:

Reggie Bush is a prick. Remember in the playoffs in 2007 when the Saints were sticking it to the Bears in the NFC Championship game and Bush taunted Urlacher on his way into the end zone on a long score? Remember how the Bears got pissed and smashed the Saints for the rest of the game? Well Bush did a similar taunt to the Redskins on a punt return for a TD. Same result: Saints lose.

This is from Greg Easterbrook's TMQ column today:

Sour Play of the Week: As Reggie Bush ran a punt back 55 yards to put New Orleans up 24-15 over Washington at the end of the third quarter, he pointed at Redskins defenders and taunted them. Reggie, didn't you learn your lesson when you taunted the Bears during the 2006 NFC Championship Game, and the Saints promptly collapsed? Following Sunday's taunt, the Saints promptly collapsed, and the Skins came back to prevail 29-24.

Now we don't really think that anyone over at ESPN is actually ripping us off. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. But if ESPN.com has up to the minute OJ Simpson news tomorrow morning, I'll be looking into this more closely.

OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

Whaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Shit, son. You'r boy OJ's had a busy few weeks. Turns out the Cubs went on a little slide, and I apologize that The Juice wasn't there to lend any "assistance". But hell, the Brewers kept crappin' their bed too.

But enough about you crackaz. Let's talk about the only Heisman Trophy winner in this conversation. The last time you heard from me, I was wreckin' underage gymnists and swimming the anchor leg in the 2 x 400 Denny's Grand Slam Olympics in China. A lot of crazy shit has happened since then.

• Once I got back to the States, me and Tommy Buzanis took a weeklong trip to Miami to see how many young, impressionable college girls we could convince to come onboard Tommy's boat and party it up a little. Buzanis, son of a bitch, that dude convinced every student we met that he was a professor of Steaks and The Boss 203 at Miami University. Dude even faked his way into teaching 3 classes a day just by showing up with some shorts on. Miami actually offered him tenure, but he turned it down and said he can't be "tied down for legal reasons". Shit son...I invented that excuse!
• I stopped by the USC - Ohio State game this weekend. Remember last week when Chris Wells was good to play one day and all the sudden was too hurt to play the next morning? You're welcome. I'm not gonna say that I had anything to do with it, but I'm not not saying that either. That's actually gonna be the title of my next book: "A List Of Things I Didn't Not Really Not Do, But Didn't Not Deny Thinking About Not Doing Them.'
• Did some acid.

It's been a busy month for The Juice. With the Brewers coming to town, I was ready to meet up with them again as JO Sampson, but it may be a bit hard. Remember that shit I got into last year where some dudes stole some of my football stuff and I might have found some dudes at a wedding to help me get it back at gunpoint? Well I don't, because it never happened. At least, it didn't not not happen. But if it did, bitches better recognize that you don't steal from The Juice.

Anyway, if I did do all that stuff, I don't see what the big deal would have been. But apparently pulling guns on people and getting into some light kidnapping is something people don't find too funny and I'm going back to court. You know what else people don't find funny? Dane Cook.

The police want me in court, but I'm trying everything I can to be in Chicago for the series this week. So far, your boy OJ's been coming through (as if I wouldn't!). Shit was supposed to start yesterday, but they had to delay things because one jury member was "sick". On a totally and completely unrelated note, did you know that rat poison makes people not feel good too? It doesn't just only work on rats! Legit!

I'll see if I can make it down for a few games, and hopefully I can help the Cubs clinch this week. If not, I'll just have to get back to the courtroom and see if I can speed things up. I guess a lot of the dudes I got to help me have already got themselves deals in order to turn your boy OJ in. WTF is that? If you can't go to a random wedding and get 3 dudes at a bar to help you rob and kidnap people at gunpoint that they've never met before, who are you supposed to trust? America's fallin' apart, son. And that's the low down dirty shame.

Time to Harpoon a Whale

Since CC Sabathia was traded to the Sausage Slingers in Milwaukee, he's made 13 starts, winning 9 of those games without suffering a loss. The Brewers are 12-1 in his starts. (Guess who delivered the 1 loss?). His ERA is a measly buck fifty-nine. He has 6 complete games and 3 shutouts. He has 102 strikeouts in 102 innings pitched. He won NL Pitcher of the Month for July and August, and Pepsi Clutch Performer of the Month in August. He's hitting .256 with a homerun and 6 RBIs since joining the Brew Crew. Not Zambrano-esque, but pretty damn good for a pitcher who spent his entire career in the AL. He ain't got a no-hitter, though. Guess who does. Plus he took the periods out of his first name. Pretentious asshole. In short, Sabathia has been everything the Brewers had hoped he would be and more. He's probably the only reason those beer swillers are still hanging around in the playoff hunt. So of course, I hate his guts and if you're a Cub fan, you probably do, too.


That's why I am personally placing a bounty on the head of CC Sabathia. He's the ace and chief punk on that Milwaukee team. A hundred bucks of my own money to the first guy who really nails that creep. Are you listening, Cubs starters? How about you, Cincinnati? Pittsburgh? Who wants to be a man and take this guy out? Personally, I'm betting on Ted Lilly. His attitude's right. Kinda reminds me of this guy:

Ryan Dempster gets the start against Fat Bastard tonight. Don't be afraid to pitch inside when Sabathia's batting, Ryan. You could earn yourself a cool Ben Franklin courtesy of the Poet.

Monday Afternoon Hangover

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Tennessee 24

Cincinnati 7

Can we just close the book on Carson Palmer's career now? He's been pretty crappy ever since his kneee blew out against the Steelers in the 2006 playoffs. Sure, Chad Johnson is a distraction and a half, but he's talented. TJ Houshmendenzalahfalxijadeh is a stud as well. There's no reason Palmer shouldn't put up at least 250 yards and 2 touchdowns a game. Who would have thought that after 2 weeks, the most successful USC quarterback in the league would be Matt Cassel?

Buffalo 20

Jacksonville 16

One half of my Super Bowl prediction is 0-2. Granted, the Jags have played against 2 pretty great defenses this season, but they were supposed to be pretty good on D themselves. Any time Kerry Collins can throw a touchdown against you, let alone his first one since 1946, you're no longer a Super Bowl contender unless you hold your next 3 opponents to 3 points or fewer. Next week's game against Indy will be pretty telling.

Oakland 23

Kansas City 8

Continuing the trend of USC failures in the NFL, Justin Fargas got hurt in this game and opened the door for Darren McFizzle (fo' shizzle) to go off for over 100 yards and a touchdown. I'll say it right now...I'd rather have McFadden than Adrian Peterson. Run DMC could be just as good as Purple Jesus if he had the monster offensive line that Minnesota has.

Indianapolis 18

Minnesota 15

Pundits may point the finger at Peyton Manning's injury in the preseason as the reason that the Colts aren't scoring, but I think the absence of Jeff Saturday is a lot more damaging than most people think. Minnesota's got a great front 7, but any time a superb running team like the Colts apparently are only gets Joseph Addai 20 yards on 15 carries, something ain't right. By the way, Minny scored all their points via the field goal. Offensive FAIL.

Carolina 20

Chicago 17

Kyle Orton played better than Jake Delhomme. Forte rushed for more years than Stewart. How did the Bears manage to lose this game again? And how the hell does Mushin Mohammad go to Carolina and play better despite having a worse supporting cast in the receiving corps? Oh yeah...no Rex.

Green Bay 48

Detroit 25

Green Bay goes from Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers. San Francisco goes from Montana to Steve Young to Jeff Garcia. How are these teams getting so many productive quarterbacks in succession and the Bears keep trotting out the same Rex Grossman - Kyle Orton - Shane Matthews - Kordell Stewart - Jim Miller - Cade McNown - Danny Wuerffel - types year after year?

NY Giants 41

St. Louis 13

I feel bad for Stephen Jackson. One of the better backs in the league has no offensive line to speak of and a quarterback that doesn't seem skilled or smart enough to run the offense. If I were playing against the Rams, I'd line 10 guys up at the line of scrimmage and put the last guy man to man on Torry Holt. Done and done.

Washington 29

New Orleans 24

Reggie Bush is a prick. Remember in the playoffs in 2007 when the Saints were sticking it to the Bears in the NFC Championship game and Bush taunted Urlacher on his way into the end zone on a long score? Remember how the Bears got pissed and smashed the Saints for the rest of the game? Well Bush did a similar taunt to the Redskins on a punt return for a TD. Same result: Saints lose. When you're one of the top 5, or even top 10 backs in the league, you can showboat a bit. But Reggie, you're just not that good in the NFL. Yes, I'm hating on USC again. They make it too easy. It's a factory of overrated system players that suck at the next level.

Tampa Bay 24

Atlanta 8

Brian Griese wins it for Tampa Bay. There's something shady going on in the Tampa Bay locker room. Jon Gruden says Garcia is too hurt to play. Garcia says he's not hurt at all. And yes, I'll take any opportunity I can get to use "Jeff Garcia" and "shady locker room activity" in the same sentence. That's a joke that could practically write itself.

San Francisco 33

Seattle 30

For no reason whatsoever, I'm delighted with the failure of the Seahawks so far this season.

New England 19

NY Jets 10

This is the Brett Favre that stayed hidden for most of last season for some unknown reason. Now he's back. Even with a monster offensive line, Favre got worked over time and time again. He did set the record for most touchdowns thrown in a career, breaking the old record that was held by Brett Favre. Why is no one reporting this???Brett Favre broke a record! And it used to belong to Brett Favre!!! OMG!!!!

Denver 39

San Diego 38

HA!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Arizona 31

Miami 10

The Sultan of Stubble makes Matt Leinart even more of a distant memory. In fact, I've already forgotten about him. If Leinart wants to be even half the quarterback Warner is, he needs to drop the beer bong and pick up the Lord.

Pittsburgh 10

Cleveland 6

One word: BOOOOOOORING!!!!!!!

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Jay Cutler, DEN (350 yards, 4 TD, rad haircut)
RB - Darren Sproles, SD (8000 all-purpose yards)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (6 catches, 140 rec yards, 3 TD)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (7 catches, 164 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Tony Scheffler, CAR (6 catches, 64 rec yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Green Bay (2 TD, 3 INT)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (16-27, 134 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (22 yards)
WR - James Thrash, WAS (1 catch, 2 yards)
TE - Alge Crumpler, TEN (2 catches, 16 yards)
DEF - St. Louis (41 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick

Upset Special: Eagles over Cowboys 33-27