Boiler Up!

Purdue starts three freshmen making it the youngest starting five in the NCAA. They certainly didn't show their age on Tuesday night. The Boilers managed to stave off a Michigan State squad that fought back from an 18 point deficit at the half thanks to a few passes to absolutely no one, some unnecessary long-range three attempts, and the sudden and complete inability to rebound on our part. Here's a clip of Purdue starting the second half. Thankfully things improved after a couple of quick timeouts.

This is a huge win after beating Wisconsin in Madison (only the second time for a Big Ten team in the last decade) and marking the first time in school history that we've beaten back-to-back top ten teams.

As the lone Purdue alum here I have the responsibility to report all the good fortune to come out of West Lafayette. So far it's been a pretty easy job. But now that the Boilers are actually defending first place in something I'm obligated to toss in a little perspective. I haven't used that muscle in a while and it's going to burn in the morning. A deep burn.

After our win in Madison last week ESPN said that we had a share of the conference lead. Actually according to the numbers we were in first place. I woke up yesterday morning and the ESPN article had the standings posted with us in third place behind IU and MSU, whom we just beat. If ESPN wants to come out and say that they hate Purdue and have absolutely no respect for us that's fine but they should at least be able to tell that 11 is more than 9 or 8.

First of all Robbie Hummel is not a boy, he's a man, nay an ASSASSIN! There was a series late in the game where he missed a jumper, got his own rebound, tossed to an outlet, came back in bounds to catch a pass back, nailed the three, then hustled down the court and took a charge. He ended up with a career-high 24 points. I can't wait to see how this guy matures over the next few years.

E'Twaun Moore. What can you say? During the first half he was dropping more bombs from long distance than during the Tokyo Fire Raids. This guy OWNED Eric Gordon last year in the state finals. He's still going to need to bulk up a little bit if he wants to grab a few of those rebounds that Landry used to pull down.

Purdue managed to hold MSU's Neitzel to only 6 points and 1 FG who had previously been averaging 14 points a game. A large part of that was due to the play of Chris Kramer who played a physical game against Drew and company to disrupt their motion on offense.

Purdue has been mowing down opponents like Sherman marching across the south but after a quick stop in Evanston to beat Northwestern they're in for a dogfight against IU in Bloomington. I really wish the game was at Purdue but after watching the win in Madison I'm not as concerned about the venue. I don't think it matters where these guys play. Sure it would be nice to have The Paint Crew backing us up but if you can't get up for a Purdue vs. IU game then something's wrong. And I certainly don't mind the fact that these new recruiting scandal allegations are surfacing all of a sudden. Great coaching choice IU. I can't wait to hear what the other 4 major allegations are.

Finally I think with Wisconsin's win over the Hoosiers last night IN Bloomington with a filthy shot that looked an awfully lot like the banked 3-pointer that Eric Gordon used to squeak by U of I, Purdue may have clinched the Big Ten last night. Think about it, we swept Wisconsin who just beat IU. Even if IU somehow beats us on Tuesday then we'll split with them. We've got the leverage. This theory is still in the works...

Anyway, I know a couple of guys at Wrigleyville23 are big IU fans. I won a taco from a guy in my office after Purdue beat MSU and I would like to extend the same wager to you guys. The winner gets one free taco. I would say I'll call you to arrange the exchange but Kelvin used up all my anytime minutes.

The Governor's Press Release: 13 February, 2008

(An Undisclosed Location) - OK. What the hell was that and just who the fuck is Phillip Mitchell? I'm determined to get to the bottom of this, so in a TMS first, I have appointed a special prosecutor to look into the matter.

Huell Howser, Los Angeles public television legend and rumored homosexual, will lead an official investigation into the Phillip Mitchell matter. Huell will travel up and down the Golden State following leads to find out just what the hell is going on. Unfortunately, Huell is easily amazed, so he may get distracted by old people who make blankets out of dog hair and ceramic statues of the Russian Czars. This could take awhile. Keep an eye out for Huell's report in the days or weeks (or months) to come.

Homeland Security

The following is a transcript of one half of a telephone conversation from Phillip Mitchell, 24, of Stockton, California- 8:12 p.m. February 23, 2005. He was not aware that this conversation was recorded.

I wrote a poem for you. It’s not much I know, but I think that it says everything that I’ve been meaning to express to you, albeit in a more meaningful, deep and highly abstract way. What is the poem called? Oh, I suppose you would want to know that. It’s called ‘Dirty Dicks/Whiskey Nights: A Working Title’. What? Absurd. No, no, I don’t think you understand. The title is just to hook the reader, in this case the reader being you. Fucking worked didn’t it? Gotcha! Once you read the poem you will see that there is much more depth, compassion and raw emotion. So yeah, that title, don’t worry about that. The only person who is going to read that is going to be you anyway. So that can be our little joke. Our little ‘inside’ *wink wink, ‘nudge nudge’ thing. Ha, we’ll end up telling the grand-kids about that one huh? Good stuff. But anyway, that title is dead fucking serious. I’m not changing that.

The poem is so erotic. Well, I’m not gonna read it to you right now. I don’t have it memorized for Gods sakes. It’s really good though. If I had to compare it to something? Hmm...good question. I like the way you think. I would say a cross between the lyrics of Madonna’s "Erotica", the monologue at the beginning of "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" and then some crazy European trance shit that I heard some dude saying on ‘E! Wild on Ibiza’. That guy was so high! But his words struck me as being the truth. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

Well no, I don’t have the poem on me right now. I was waiting for the right time to give it to you. Oh Christ, stop asking me all these questions, you’re gonna ruin the surprise. You want it to be a surprise don’t you? You love surprises. Remember that time I surprised you on your birthday by taking you to Bennigan’s? That was awesome! I love that Monte Cristo sandwich. It’s SO bad for you, but I could eat like 3 of those. Are those deep fried? I don’t even care, I love them so much. Ha, remember I kept eating all of your fries and you were getting pissed and told me to order my own if I wanted some? God you were mad. Y our face got all red cause I kept eating em and dipping em in your ranch. Ha, you bitch. I love it. I was so drunk that night. Did I pass out? I did didn’t I? Classic! Happy Birthday...to me!

See, you love surprises so don’t ruin it. You think you have me figured out huh? Well this poem will blow...you...away. Literally. The poem will LITERALLY blow you away. What? Yes I know what literally means. Duh. Who do you think I am, your dumb cousin Scott? What..he’s retarded? No, shut up. No he’s not. No he’s not! Serious? Wow, that is awesome! I had no idea. I’m sorry. No, I’ll stop laughing...I just...wow. That is awesome. Shit, somebody is beeping in on the other line. I think that’s AIDS Steve. He doesn’t have really have AIDS, we just call him that. He hates it. I gotta go. But let me iron out a few kinks of that poem and you’ll have it in your ranch-lovin’ fingers in no time. I love you. So much. No I mean it. Don’t cry. Why are you crying? I’ll text you later when I’m drunk. We’ll work this out, don’t worry. No..shh..I gotta go. Bye.

I love you too Grandma.

Editor's note: This post was quite possibly written under the duress of shingles-related dementia.

Childhood Favorites: Convenience Store Edition

Growing up as a kid I had the privilege of living down the street from a convenience store. I have memories of riding my bike down to the Handimart to blow what little cash I had on all sorts of nonsense that of course was completely awesome at the time. In this edition of Childhood Favorites, I'd like to share some of the crap that I was willing to dig under couch cushions to scrounge up loose change for.

Candy Cigarettes & Jerky Stuff - Honestly, I don't know how everyone in my generation isn't smoking like a chimney right now. The number of candy/snack items imitating tobacco products they had out there to help us "look cool" is staggering. Can you imagine if a kid whipped out a pack of candy cigarettes now a days? He'd probably get expelled from school. Yet back in my day you could drop 35 cents on what appeared to be a pack of Lucky Strike, when in fact they were just long white peppermint candy sticks. If you missed out on the candy cigarette era, just go eat some peppermint Altoids. They taste the exact same.

Jerky Stuff was the bomb. Not only could you look like a little Lenny Dykstra with a wad of beefy goodness in your bottom lip, but each tin came with a circular baseball card in the bottom. What's that? You're tin of jerky is cashed? Not all is lost, look who's at the bottom, why it's Chris Sabo's goggle-clad visage staring back at you!

Suicides - You may have called it something else, but the ridiculous concoction of taking a cup and filling it with all different kinds of soda from the fountain was called a suicide in my neck of the woods. Why limit yourself to just one choice of soda when you could drink 7 at the same time? While I haven't had a suicide since the original Bush administration, I can't recall them being any good. In fact my recollection of them is that no matter what the mixture it always tasted about the same. Kind of like when you thought it'd be cool to mix all your paint colors together, only to realize it just makes everything a shit brown. Nonetheless if you never had your taste buds accosted by this sugary amalgamation of sodas, then your truly missed out in your childhood. Although it'd be kind of funny nowadays as an adult to be at Subway filling up your soda with folks waiting behind you and then suddenly bust out the suicide.

Wax Pack Baseball Cards - I started collecting cards right at the tail end of the innocent era of baseball cards, before jackasses started buying case upon case of packs as an "investment". I remember going down to the Handimart and buying a pack of Topps for 45 cents. All I ever bought were Topps. Fleer and Donruss were for communists. Anyway I remember getting a pack and being completely stoked whenever I got a Cub. It didn't matter if it was Ryne Sandberg or Chico Walker, those cards were like gold to me. Oh and who can forget the gum? Good luck chewing one of those down to a malleable wad without cutting your gums on one of the rigid corners.

Garbage Pail Kids - Holy shit. I remember the uproar parents had when these came out. This stuff would probably be pretty tame to today's standards. Adults trying to get rid of them just made their appeal that much greater for us kids.

Cheap Candy - I've never been much of a saver. If I go out to the bar with $40, I'll probably spend every last dime before calling it a night. I think this behavior began in my early days at the convenience store. Always looking to buy the most I could with what money I had, I constantly found myself looking to the bottom shelf to see what 5 and 10 cent delights I could buy. For me the candy of choice were Laffy Taffy's, Now and Laters, and Bazooka Joe gum.

Laffy Taffy's were always a good buy. You could get a fruity piece of taffy to chew on plus there were the jokes on the inside of the wrapper. "Oh he threw the clock out the window because he wanted to see time fly! Comedic gold!"

Bazooka gum didn't go without it's perks as well. Each piece of 5 cent gum came with a small Bazooka Joe comic. So as you bit down in your rock hard piece of gum you could read a tiny comic strip about the travails of Bazooka Joe. Unfortunately they were never printed all that clearly and the stories were sometimes as cryptic as a David Lynch film. Also Bazooka Joe had an eyepatch. That's always a good look. If I ever lose an eye I'd go for the patch over the glass eye. Although the overrated 'pirate fad' would ruin it a bit. I'll have to wait until that dies down before having an eye gouged out.

Now and Laters puzzle me. I honestly don't remember enjoying those little SOB's at all and yet I still bought them. Forget Laffy Taffy, baseball card gum or Bazooka. In terms of hardness Now and Laters were seemingly made of freaking Tupperware. Apparently kids have a grudge against their jaws. Fact, only diamonds can scratch a Now and Later.

Clearly Canadian - What the hell happened to Clearly Canadian? They seemed to disappear as fast as they emerged. There was that brief period of time in middle school and high school when CC was the drink of choice. Between that and Crystal Clear Pepsi we apparently were digging stuff that appeared clean and pure.

PB Max - I'd kill a drifter if it meant getting M&M/Mars to bring back the PB Max. This was one of the greatest candy bars ever. Like a big square peanut butter Twix with peanuts in it. Once they bring that back I'll focus my attention to Hershey to bring back the Bar None.

I could go on forever talking about things like how the Skor bar is vastly superior to Heath (more chocolatey toffee goodness for your buck) or the various other candy I used to buy such as Mambas (ghetto Starburst) or Zotz, but I'll have to save that for another day.

Like a phoenix from the ashes...

Bored senseless, unable to write about a particularly impressive winning streak by one of my teams because of this cursed TMS Vacation, and inspired by the Game Genie post, the Nintendo came out.

The Nintendo has been running strong for nearly two decades. The odds are 50/50 this thing will outlast me as I fully expect to die of a stress induced heart attack on the 405 by the age of 35. Sure you have to blow on the cartridge and that fucking flashing screen appears more than it did back in my Jr High days, but it still works damn it. I needn't suffer the indignity of playing NES games on one of these "emulators".

The best game ever invented by man is Tetris. Thank you Soviet Russia. Created by Alexey Pajitnov undoubtedly as part of a Communist plot to drive Americans insane, this game has been taken so seriously by some people as to be the subject of their thesis. The "Tetris Effect" where you continue to see these fucking blocks fall long after you shut the game off has been examined by scientists. Tetris is the crack of video games and I'm a crack baby.

Combining old and new technology, I can now drive myself mad by playing Tetris in HD:



My first game after a long layoff (its been well over a year I think) was a mixed bag. I got to 156 lines, but had a relatively poor showing points wise. I didn't even get St. Basil's Cathedral to take off. Subsequent games produced better results in terms of both points and lines.

USA - Mexico Soccer Live Blog

Okay, welcome. It’s another live blog. That dirty ol’ mother, Lingering Bursitis certainly left a tough act to follow. Sadly, I have no drinking games set. I’m a bit grumpy today. I shoveled more snow today than I did all of last winter. It’s certainly a trying time to live in the Midwest. Tonight follows the International “friendly” between the USA and Mexico. As the aging and waistline expanding Mexican star Cuahtemoc Blanco has stated, “I don’t play in any ‘friendlies’, and certainly not against the US”. It’s on.

Why a soccer post? Well, I think we posted one a few months (years?) back, to a rousing reader reaction. I think it got two posts from people who aren’t TMS bartenders. I’ll admit right now, I have not been drinking, nor do I plan on getting drunk. I get too riled up in this rivalry as it is, and I don’t want to end up throwing my laptop. Aight den.

The US has come out debuting a new jersey. Gone is the white with the off-centered stripe. I always found that a classic look. I’m not so sure about these new ones, they kind of look like skinny Michelin Men. Although we certainly have done much worse. And who can forget these? Enough of that, I’m no Paul Lukas…

0:00 Is Julie Foudy good looking? I’m not sure. Depends on the angle, the lighting, the outfit - she’s a lot like Rachel Ray in that regard. She does have her some big UFC fighter-like jowls on her. Better have Sen. Specter question her for HGH.

0:00 What a surprise, the Houston crowd appears to be overly pro-Mexico. The broadcast is generously estimating it’s 20% USA fans. Not so sure about that. Over 70,000 total.

0:00 Yes! We get John Harkes and JP Dellacamera for announcers. SOOO much better than O’Brien and Wynalda. Trust me, this is a good thing. Ooops! We also have Pedro Gomez outside. Isn’t he supposed to be hiding in Barry Bonds bushes?

0:00 A promo on Landon Donovan? Get out of town! It’s hard to like the guy, but it’s hard to ignore his past exploits against Mexico. We’ll pile on and call him Landycakes from here on out…

0:00 What is the deal with that salute Mexicans do during their anthem? It looks like something a fascist regime would endorse.

0:00 USA’s anthem being played. I can’t tell if there’s any booing. It’s happened in the past, and in Mexico, the crowd chanted “OSAMA!” at the US fans. Class!

0:01 AND WE’RE UNDERWAY!

2:10 Hard foul by Clark. The first of many? To be sure

3:15 All of the play at the bottom of the screen is behind the score crawl. Annoying.

3:45 First decent chance, Bautista from Mexico can’t convert. Mexico is controlling the action

4:30 Shaq passed his physical. Was donut eating one of the activities?

7:59 Convey oles a Mexican defender, takes a dive, gets the call. Hands down the worst part of soccer. Probably a reason why its not big with casual US sports fans.

8:55: Scoring op for the US off a horrible service by Landycakes. Blocked easily by Marquez.

10:45 US is playing their typical “Bradleyball” – slow and methodical, content to try and counter-attack.

12:20 Rafa Marquez may play for the big Euro club, Barca, but he’s still a pansy and looks like a homo with his headband. Can you tell he’s my favorite?

14:14 I wish Marquez’s fellow cheapshot artist, Oswaldo Sanchez was in goal for Mexico. It’d be another person for me to hate on. Girlfriend of Hundley (GOH) has already said I’m being too negative. Oooh! The new goalie has a queer headband too! Que bonita!

15:45 Altidore with a nice op! But pretty boy Marquez goes down after being breathed on. Nice to see Altidore getting a start at such a young age (18).

16:45 A chip into the US box and Howard makes a leaping save and has a nasty collision with Bocanegra. Looks like Boca took a nasty elbow to the face. For once, a player is down on the ground and writhing in pain when it appears to be legit.

18:50 Bocanegra is okay and back on the field. That’s good, he’s a pivotal part of the defense and one of the better players on the US. His name also translates to Black Mouth. I’m not sure what to think of that, but this comes to mind

19: 59 Free kick for Mexico is headed away easily. Howard is flipping out, as goalies usually do. If you did this to your teammates in any other sport you’d get thumped.

21:10 Bradley gets deeked by Salcito and puts a good shot on goal, saved easily by Howard.

21:45 And another shot on goal by Mexico! Saved again. Mexico continues to control.

22:51 A backheel shot by Bautista! Blocked. A follow up and blocked out of bounds. Corner kick for Mexico.

24:21 Sloppy play by the US, they can’t seem to string together a good possession.

25:14 Have you guys been reading http://unprofessionalfoul.blogspot.com yet? It’s LB’s other blog. No, I do not have a mancrush on LB. Fellow barkeep Brant Brown has taught me that it’s okay to hate everyone and most things in life as well.

26:00 Mexico has new uni’s. It seems they didn’t use color guard because they’re a pale green. Pretty ugly, they look like generic jerseys you’d get at Walmart. Can you tell the game’s uneventful thus far?

26:50 Hard shot on goal by Dempsey. Pitiful chance, easily saved. At least it’s a shot.

28:00 Corner for the US after a nice run and pass by Landycakes. And they get nothing.

28:48 GOAL BY ONYEWU!!! After a throw-in by Gooch, Landycakes served a high volley and Onyewu went far post – off the post. Good to be as tall and athletic as Gooch! 1-0 USA

28:49 GOH makes a screaming shriek. “He can use his head?” I’m speechless. I’m also wondering why I’ve never heard that exhilarated scream in bed. Back to the game…

31:23 The US definitely look charged up by the score as they now are playing more aggressively.

33:02 Hard foul by the US. Free kick to Mexico, dangerously close, just off the corner of the 18.

33:58 MEXICO GOAL by Magallon off the free kick. It looked to hit the top bar. Official says it’s good. Moor got beat with a header to the back. Beautiful service. Probably could have been headed in by Bautista as well. Tie game 1-1

36:47 Another GREAT chance for Mexico! Stopped by Howard. Very close.

37:21 Salcido makes a rough tackle on Landycakes. Salcido gets a yellow card.

38:12 Now Mexico is charged up, bringing on strong attacks and keeping in their half, they keep dropping haymakers, Howard punching them away!

39:12 GOAL FOR ALTIDORE! A patented counter-attack in the Bradleyball philosophy. A great service by Moor and Altidore headed the ball past the frozen keeper. Altidore gets his first goal for the National Team. 2-1 USA

40:28 Back and forth! Howard makes another great save.

41:08 GOAL FOR DEMPSEY!! Wait, no it wasn’t they called it off. Offsides? Foul? No explanation…I suspect the Soviets are somehow involved.

42:11 Pardo gets a free kick for Mexico and his service is saved easily by Howard. Howard throws the normal goalie temper tantrum after grabbing it. Please stop. I may resort to Tourette’s jokes, Tim.

44:38 Sweet move by Altidore, turned away. Altidore has looked good so far when he touches the ball, which hasn’t happened enough.

46:01 Hard foul by Bradley, he gets a yellow card. Looks frustrated from his subpar play so far.

HALFTIME

Official told coach Bradley that Dempsey’s goal was disallowed due to offsides. What? No fucking way! Now I’m suspecting French interference. The US leads by a goal but were outplayed through much of the first half. Not a huge surprise, that’s how most of the US/MEX matchups have gone for the last few years. US has once again taken advantage of counter-attacks. Got into the suds more than I thought, put down 3 thus far. High Life bottles (snow hindered my normal game ritual of Sierra Nevada. My fingers are hurting from my hunt-and-peck typing. How did Lingering Bursitis do this for 4 hours? Madness.

45:20 I just noticed that Mexican midfielder Bautista has a white headband on as well AND he has dyed blond hair. Probably a Ricky Martin fan.

46:58 GOAL BY MEXICO. Magallon with an easy header coming off a set play. The US has been horrible on set plays. And we’re supposed to be better on those. Tied up 2-2

49:11 Altidore gets tackled hard…and gets up immediately. Refreshing.

50:26 GOH: “Do they get to keep the ball if it goes into the stands like baseball?”

51:21 Jesus Christ! We look awful. Mexico keeps pouring it on. How do you say ‘blitzkrieg’ en espanol?

52:29 Altidore with a shot! Headed wide, but still making something happen. The Haitian immigrant is making the most of his shot.

53:36 Howard makes a save and kicks the ball away as he’s tackled. A slight scrum ensues as Howard throws a backhanded swipe. It’s getting intense…

54:59 Another big shot from Arce. The Mexican fans are going nuts. Their fucking plastic horns are beyond annoying. Think thundersticks are bad? Multiply it by 5.

57:00 Bobby Convey is out of his league. He’s getting eaten up.

58:05 Great move by Bautista, and Clark fouls him. Another free kick for Mexico as they use a sub. Save made by Howard.

59:55 Bautista is killing us, killer back heel, nice shot on goal, deflected out for a corner. US defense is looking shaky

61:00 Freddie Adu and Benny Feilhaber warming up on the side as the US thwarts another Mexican attack. Subs come in. Bradley and Dempsey are out. 2 teens in for the US with Adu and Altidore.

63:15 The Mexican subs are wearing the headbands as well. I can’t hear, but I think they’re jamming to Enrique Iglesias and speaking in lisps.

65:56 Better ball control by US, but they’re not doing anything with it.

67:01 A headbanded sub comes on for Mexico (Cacho).

68:46 Gooch gets a yellow for a soft tackle. On the heels of getting beaten by Cacho. Free kick from 30 yards.

69:42 Convey thankfully comes off. Eddie Lewis in, he looks like he’s 48. Bautista is off for Mexico, Zinha in.

70:30 Pretty boy Marquez hits the free kick wide left. Another Mexican sub in, this one with a normal headband. Dos Santos.

71:48 GOH is wondering why so many Mexican players have dyed hair. I bite my tongue.

73:20 Corner for the US. Landycakes is wearing orange shoes. Why?

75:33 Altidore draws a yellow for a string of hard fouls. We look frustrated. Where is Donovan?

78:36 Morris Edu on for the US as the US get a free kick from deep. Decent op, offsides US

84:19 Typical soccer move. A Mexican defender goes down, a stretcher is brought out, and he miraculously gets up and runs off. Absolutely amazing. We haven’t even gotten to the miracle “cold” spray yet.

87:04 This one looks to be heading for a draw. Booo.

88:00 Bad foul by Corrales, just outside the corner of the box. Yellow card. Dangerous free kick here with how we’ve been struggling. Perhaps we’re distracted by the headbands?

92:45 Great play from Adu, drawing a yellow card from a Mexican defender. Free kick. Last chance?

93:25 Landycakes service was headed away as the final whistle blows. You know what else blew? The US offense.

I’m not sure much can be taken from the game in the positive category. Well, Altidore did impress in his starting debut, but the US didn’t have the ball enough in the offensive half. Pedro Gomez is interviewing Mexican hero, Magallon, who is saying it’s a moral victory for Mexico. I would concur.

Thank God we’re getting close to baseball season.

War Hero: Game Genie

Just looking at that picture above, I get butterflies in my stomach.

The older I get, the more apt I am to let some drivel like "They don't make 'em like they used to" spew forth from my mouth. But in the case of video games, it's true. Your kids can keep their fancy PS3's and their Xbox 360's. Let the masses clamor for their Dreamcasts and their 32X attachments. You want to sit at home and play Sewer Shark on your Sega CD? Be my guest.

Me? I'll take the NES every day of the week.

I invite you back to a time when there was only one true home video gaming system. With the release of the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1985, Atari showed itself the door and died somewhere in a gutter, alone and forgotten. The NES was a tour de force, a stylish gray box that matched any interior decor that had literally hundreds of games to bring 8-bit entertainment to your home.

It seems like everything from the 80's made some kind of comeback in the last 5 years or so, but there's a reason the NES has come back in a big way. As cool and visually stunning as new games are, NES games were just more fun. I don't care if it looks like I'm actually running the West Coast Offense on Madden '08...give me the 4 plays to choose from in Tecmo Bowl and I'll be a happy camper.

One of the only downsides to Nintendo was that there was little to no capacity to save games. Only a few of the longer games in existence had password support. There were no memory cards. There were no save checkpoints. These were real games. Each new cartridge was a challenge, a gauntlet thrown down by the Gods themselves. And this was not a bad thing. I firmly believe that without the toughness taught to my generation from having to play Nintendo games all the way through in one sitting, we'd all have degenerated into a race of wimpy sissy-boys.

However, the lack of being able to stop a game and come back to it later could be a major inconvenience, especially to 7 year olds like myself. One time I tried the sneaky trick of turning off the TV at bedtime but leaving the Nintendo on and just pausing the game, but the next morning, the Nintendo was so hot that I never had the balls to try it again. It seemed like there was no hope but to force yourself to sit through these games to the end. Addiction to crack and meth skyrocketed as gamers were desperate to find ways to keep themselves awake for the 32 hours it seemed to take to beat Ninja Gaiden II. It seemed like nothing could ever help us in our plight.

Then the clouds parted and the Game Genie arrived.

When I opened this wonder on Christmas morning, I felt like a parent must feel when they first have a child, and that child can be used for ill-gotten gains such as slave labor and running pyramid scams. The Game Genie was like nothing the Earth had ever seen. It looked like a game in itself, but it wasn't. Like the creepy man next door to you, it slowly eased its way behind the game for insertion. And then the other end was crammed into the NES system, the Game Genie acting as the ultimate Quimby.

The results were mind-blowing to say the least.

Suddenly, anything was possible. Mario and Luigi could jump twice as high and have infinite lives. The two shirtless dudes from Contra could now plow through the millions of aliens that have invaded the Earth without worrying about tearing their sequined red and blue Hammer-pants. Need to start the game with the entire Triforce? Done. Want to start your quest with $1,000,000 in gold? No problem. Need to start at level 7 after your dog walked in front of the TV and reset the game by pulling the controller out of the Nintendo? Why not? Hell, you could even connect the Game Genie to ANOTHER Game Genie to enter up to 6 codes at once!

The Game Genie continues to live on today. After being adapted to work with the Super Nintendo and Genesis systems, you can now find the Game Genie built into any NES Emulator worth its salt. Just scoot yourself over to the Game Genie website to pick and choose your favorite codes.

With most games coming on CDs and the rise of memory cards and save points, we may never need something like the Game Genie again. But I tell you, when Game Genie was at the top of the world, anything seemed possible. If you were alive and remember this time, you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't...get off my porch.

Underrated/Overrated: Countries Edition

Underrated

The Netherlands: The Netherlands is a weird little country protected by dykes. But you knew that. You also know they have legalized drugs because if you're reading this, you're probably unemployed and smoke large amounts of pot. That isn't why The Netherlands is underrated though. Frankly, I don't care about that. The Netherlands is underrated for one reason: The Dutch. These people are fucking nuts. Freeways have lanes that arbitrarily close and re-open by computer, they colonized Aruba, and their most famous countryman cut his ear off and mailed it to a hooker. The Dutch language itself sounds like a camel clearing its throat. I dare anyone not to laugh the first time they hear spoken Dutch.

France: Everything bad you've heard about France is a lie. Because we're afraid of foreign things, America has decided its appropriate to hate the French. How dare they be proud of their culture and not work 60 hours a week?!?!?! Being proud of your culture is clearly wrong...unless its American culture. France is a spectacular place. A laziness I can truly identify with permeates the entire country. At the first hint of someone wanting them to work more than 35 hours a week or take away some of their lengthy vacation time, the country goes on strike - all of it. The French themselves? Actually nice people - most of whom speak English. Where the image of the rude Frenchman comes from I'll never know. One final note that I can't stress enough...French women look good and dress slutty. Thats a combination that can't be beat.

Nauru: You don't even know where this place is. I'd say that makes them underrated. Nauru boasts large phosphate deposits and their parliament building looks like a Holiday Inn. Take that Angola!

Overrated

Belgium: In that anyone, at any point in history has said anything positive about Belgium, its overrated. What a miserable little country this is. So close to the glorious chaos of The Netherlands, yet so far away. Antwerp looks like the Nazis bombed it last night and there are no visible street markings at all in Brussels. To add to the complication of unmarked streets, no one in Brussels knows where anything is either. It doesn't really matter that you can't find anything since there is nothing to do or see anyway. Belgium is so boring, they made a movie about it. Belgium offers nothing to the world other than "mussel fries" (seen here in all their disgusting glory). This place needs to get a job!

Ireland: I have to ask. What is the American obsession with Ireland? Its a country based on potatoes, Catholic guilt, and subjugation to the British crown. Sure, lots of Americans have ancestors that came from there, but they seem to forget those ancestors were so desperate to get out they were willing to come here and deal with anti-Irish bigotry at the turn of the 20th century. Cold weather, Guinness, and sheep. No thanks.

United States: This overrated ranking only applies to us for the following time period: January 20, 2001 to January 20, 2009.

SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 11pm - 12am

Fuck. We steamroll into hour four. If I pull one more hour after this, I should win a fucking Pulitzer or something.

The mood in my apartment is subdued, backed by the dulcet tones of Rage Against the Machine songs. It only seems appropriate right now.

Join me won't you! The fun is flowing thick and fast, just like a burst dam. A burst dam of jokes!

11.04 -- We're back to CNN! Let's face it, they have cool technology, ladies talking, and the delectable Campbell Brown. If she was a blanket, I would hibernate in her.

Um, results?

Obama's winning a lot, Hillary's winning slightly less. I have no clue what the Republicans are up to. I'm just glad that Giulani's grinning idiot chipmunk face is not involved in any of this.

I think Campbell Brown went to bed. Fuck. I long for her precious touch.

Lou Dobbs is a straight talker. He also hates immigrants.

11.11 -- Mitt Romney just took Minnesota. Goddamn. I would be shocked, but then again they recently elected a wrestler to be their Governor. Fucking snowbound morons.

11.13 -- Gloria Borger has a chin you could juice citrus on. Holy fuck.

11.16 -- What the fuck happened to Carl Bernstein? He figured out the Watergate mess, sure, but he has a face made of wax now. Fuck. Father Time was not kind to his visage. Lou Dobbs is talking up the Exit Polls like a broken record.... and here comes California. After 2 PERCENT of votes counted, Clinton has 57% of that sweet, sweet action.

11.19 -- Soledad O'Brien is stepping in for some sweet Exit Poll talk. She looks like a Cheshire Cat. That's all I can say.

I realize at this point that the Drunkblog has fallen into cheap visual gags now, but I don't care. This is hard work, this drunkblog business. Here I am, sitting on my arse with friends, drinking ungodly quantities of ale and trying to write comedy for your benefit. I should get more than a Pulitzer. However, right now I'd settle for some naked pictures of Campbell Brown. IF THERE IS A GOD, PLEASE SEND ME THOSE PICTURES. PLEASE. SHE IS THE MOON TO MY SUN. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.

11.29 -- They keep calling Missouri "the Bellwether state". What the fuck does that mean?

Come to the rescue, Wikipedia!

11.30 -- Thanks for explaining! Apparently a Bellwether is an "entity in a given arena that serves to create or influence trends or to presage future happenings." The term is derived from the Middle English word bellewether, which refers to the practice of placing a bell around the neck of a castrated ram [a wether] in order that it may lead a flock of sheep around.

Yep, so you know what that means: Missouri is the castrated ram of America.

11.31 -- Georgia was JUST called for Huckabee. Damn. That was supposed to be Jowly McJowlface's state. D'oh. Better luck next time, John Mc. Just go toot your impressive resume somewhere else, because the good folk of Georgia have spoken!

11.38 -- Jowly Man is talking now at Party HQ, after a tasteful rendition of that song from Rocky. And he's talking like he won the election tonight. There is a veritable haze of delusion throughout all these little election vignettes from the candidates, although what do we expect? It's not like they can stand up and admit defeat.

McCain just thanked his 9 million children, and his mother. What a wuss. Family values went out of style with the X-Games.

[I have no idea what that means. My ability to make analogies or comparisons is totally fucked. But I'm not!]

11.43 -- Damn. Obama's gonna take Colorado and Idaho. He loses style points for having U2 at his party HQ. Fuck. Since when did U2 become the megaphone of political goodness?

Let's look at the Democrats' tallies:

BARACK "CAPTAIN AWESOME" OBAMA
-----
Colorado
Idaho
Minnesota
Utah
Connecticut
Kansas
North Dakota
Alabama
Delaware
Illinois
Georgia

HILLARY "FROSTBAG" CLINTON
-----
Arizona
New Jersey
Massachusetts
New York
Tennessee
Arkansas
Missouri
Oklahoma
[and she's killing him in California]

As for the Republicans... who the fuck cares? I don't, plus it's all confusing. There's three of them, and they all talk the same. At least the Dems make it easy by having two different Wii avatars at the podium.

Phew. Glad I made it through that passage without showing any bias whatsoever.

11.50 -- Obama sounds really good when he talks. I'm a sucker for good speeches. Shit, that's why I love the movie Dead Poets Society so damn much. It's so sad when Robert Sean Leonard puts a bullet through his head in his father's study. Stupid hardline father. You killed your sensitive poet son!

Seriously though. The only person who speaks better than Barack is my future wife, Campbell Brown. Her words are like songbirds, or like aural pancakes smothered in sweet, sweet syrup. I'd walk five hundred miles , and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man that walked a thousand miles to fall down at her door [and then get up again and ravage her in bed for six long, sordid weeks].

11.56 -- This is going to be it for the Drunkblog.

My final broadcast, the sign-off of what has been a wonderful evening with you all. Thanks for reading. I am about to fall asleep to the dulcet tones of Obama as he finishes an interminably long speech [seriously dude, edit your shit].

I am drunk, I am tired, I am sad, and yet, I am content.

What have we learned?

CNN has a hot chick, my imagined fiancee Campbell Brown [I don't care that she's married].
FOX News is like listening to the sounds of someone raping you from the inside out.
MSNBC loves the right-to-left combover.
BBC America actually gave us facts instead of opinions!
C-SPAN is dull [I watched like 5 seconds and almost aged 30 years in the process].
And, more importantly, we learned that I am a wonderful human being.

Goodnight, sweet princes and princesses. I'm off to purge, reflect, and purge some more.

SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 10pm - 11pm

10.00 -- Oh my lordy lord. We've moved to BBC America, and my roommates are laughing in my face. This is going to be a long hour, if we make it that far.

No-one on this channel pronounces anything like they do. This is hilarious. The new drinking game rules involve drinking games whenever anyone says anything typically "English".

10.05 -- Drink for anything droll that is said. The BBC Correspondent at the Romney camp is a midget stood on phonebooks. Romney's party HQ is playing U2's "Vertigo". I hate him more than I thought I ever could. Fuck Bono, and fuck that song.

HELLLOOO HELLOOOOOO
I'M AT A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO
IT'S EVERYTHING I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW
EXCEPT YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING I COULD FEEEEEEL
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL

Here's the video. Watch it, and then drink a gallon of paint thinner.

10.09 -- Unsurprisingly, BBC America is killing it on actual campaign coverage so far. In the first 10 minutes, we've seen no pundits, heard no bullshit, and just listened to campaign speeches. They're dry, like week-old turkey. And yet, they're a hell of a lot better than the douchebag combover crew that strut around MSNBC like guys who won HS football state titles, and never played again.

Huckabee is talking. He looks like that uncle we all have, the well-dressed one who tells PG-13 stories around the dinner table. I have no idea what this means. I'm just glad that I can't vote.

10.15 -- BBC America has some sweet techno music during their intro/outro music. This wins points.

What loses them points was the Kenny G promo during the last ad break. They can fucking burn in hell for that.

10.17 -- Finally, a delegate count! Eat shit, American news! This is why I read the BBC website and don't watch any of your crap! BECAUSE YOU TELL ME NOTHING! NOOOOTHING!

10.18 -- Philipa Thomas and the worst mustache/tie combo ever in history, on some idiot sat next to her. Name in a minute. Hopefully a picture too. This guy should be a failing magician somewhere.

His name is.......Larry Sabato from the University of Virginia. For any students at that college: SCHEDULE CLASSES WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. He will rock your faces like your significant other never could.

10.23 -- One of the best things about being English is the ability to sound condescending in such a casual fashion. Our perceived superiority is so glorious, as it's thrown into conversation or speech with such little fanfare that it almost slips by, almost like Kevin Nealon's Subliminal Man. He just referred to America's system as being "rather archaic". And you know what? He's dead fucking right.

The BBC guy thinks he's gonna score an interview with Mitt Romney after the break, who is "having an awful campaign day so far".

BBC America: telling it like it motherfucking is. God Save the Queen!

10.32 -- Kim Ghattas. Get some! She's sexier than a dog's rear end.

Romney's HQ is playing "A Little Less Conversation," which is hilarious, but that's exactly what politicians are not good at.

Romney is now talking a lot of bullshit, which is also common for people in his profession. He's doing a good job of saying lots of stuff that doesn't mean anything, much like me in this series of liveblogs.

10.36 -- I miss Campbell Brown. Where is she? I want her back. I long to serenade her with butterfly kisses and sweet clitoral delight. Maybe I'll switch back to CNN when no-one's looking, and revive my imagined love affair.

A fellow bartender just informed me that she was recently pregnant. I do not care. She gave birth a few weeks ago, and she's surely in good enough shape to succumb to my lust. Sorry newborn, those tits are mine now.

In the meantime, Mitt Romney's still talking. I can't stand it. The woman right behind his head needs to stop waving that fucking flag around.

10.41 -- Mitt Romney never changes his speech. He also loves to use the glorious speech device that is epistrophe. He's really good at it. Shame that the things he says are annoying and meaningless.

10.43 -- Time for a 15-minute break! We're all flagging a little bit, so it's time to shotgun a beer and listen to Rage Against the Machine for a quarter-hour.

As for results? Fuck if I know what's actually happening. Go to CNN.com. Maybe they have more pictures of Campbell Brown there.

Shit, I might just do the same! See you at 11, when we maybe go back to CNN, and I can continue this weird, non-sequitur discussion of Campbell Brown's statuesque beauty!

SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 9pm - 10pm

9.00 -- Well, now we're on FOX News, and the results are already retarded across the board. We've instantly noticed how much more unflattering the portraits and snapshots are for the candidates. Hillary Clinton looks like an 80-year-old mental patient, for example. The graphics are crappier, looking positively cable-access compared to CNN's vast array of touch-screens and hi-tech bollocks.

They have a much smaller studio, and so far, it's only men delivering the facts to us, including some Norm McDonald-looking motherfucker in Tempe [pronounced by him as "Tempeeeeee"].

9.05 -- FOX is, unsurprisingly, terrible. It's all white folk in their 50s, all men, aside from one token black guy and one token woman who is dressed in the reddest blouse ever. I imagine their use will boil down to: "Hey, let's talk about Barack. Black guy, what do you think?"

That's the kind of amazing coverage we can expect from the retard network.

9.08 -- I fucking hate this hour. New drinking game rule: drink whenever a minority analyst or a woman is allowed to speak.

Clinton bagged Tennessee and Oklahoma, and now New Jersey. She's ahead in MA and MO by a decent amount so far.

I hate FOX News. Their correspondent in McCain's party HQ looks like a Duracell battery. Would it kill this channel to have a female reporter?

Their graphics are still woefully terrible. SNL has better graphics, for fuck's sake.

9.13 -- Yep. 13 minutes was all it took for us to change the channel. MSNBC now, because FOX News is like listening to my father. Worse, probably my grandfather.

Problem is we're stuck with the Sandwich-smuggling Chris Matthews, who is the loudest, most annoying person on TV besides Tucker Carlson, who is also on MSNBC, I'm pleased to report. I think we'll get on better with this channel because it's not named FOX News.

Their graphics are so sophisticated, with lots of bad graphics of Greek columns behind their number counts. I think they figured out that Greece was where democracy was born. Win for them!

New drinking game rules: every time Chris Matthews says something retarded, you drink at least a 5-count, then smash the bottle over your head. It's better than listening to him.

9.14 -- Tom Brokaw in the studio as well? Fuck. Bring back FOX News! [not really]

NEW DRINKING GAME RULE: drink at least half your beer every time Ron Paul is mentioned. We casually assume it won't be much.

9.17 -- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now Keith Olbermann? I repeat: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least their intro/outro music is better, more respectful. It's like Sousa rose from the dead and learned how to create .wav files.

9.21 -- MSNBC doesn't believe in women either. Their picture of Hillary is fucking frightening. She looks like a hyena on ecstasy. And don't question me on that image. I've seen what that looks like.

9.23 -- MSNBC is all middle-aged man with the right-to-left combover. Also, don't listen to this asshole, Chuck Todd, when he talks. He's an idiot.

9.26 -- Someone just said the word "punditocracy". Fuck. That's an awesome word. Holy shit. We're finishing our beers for that. Obama also fucking destroyed Clinton in Alabama. Two huge southern states, Alabama and Georgia, and both were overwhelmingly Obama Country. This bodes well.

AND we hear the word triumvirate! Goddamn, these MSNBC bastards know how to work the dictionary.

9.27 -- Howard Fineman from Newsweek is the fellow with the big lingo. I'd love to meet him just to hear him talk, but the shit-eating grin he wears is grounds for punching him in the face. Oh well.

EVERYONE on this channel has the right-to-left combover. Olbermann. Matthews. Fineman. Todd. The stylist for MSNBC is getting an easy fucking paycheck every week.

9.37 -- Add Joe Scarborough to that combover All-Star Team. He's a fucking douche as well.

UH OH... LOOK OUT! Pat Buchanan is here! His combover goes the same way, but man, is he fucking entertaining. Everyone's favourite confused, miserable old fuck!

There's a lady on the panel, the first we've seen talking in 25 minutes on any network. Alas, she has the left-to-right combover, thus losing at life.

9.43 -- Apologies that this is getting less and less insightful [not that it was particularly insightful to begin with]. I'm about 18 beers deep now [spread out over the course of the day, mind you, with appropriate bathroom breaks and hearty meals], but the beer consumption has raced up since 8pm thanks to the wonderful drinking games and the glorious predictability of the analysts and news channels to play right into our hands.

Clinton has been killing the early states [OK, NY, AR, TN, NJ, MA and MO], but Obama is taking his shit too [GA, IL, CT, KS, ID, ND, MN]. It's a heck of a race, to this point. I have no fucking idea how the breakdown of delegates would go if all these numbers and calls hold up. That's what actual news is for. I'm just a drunk Englishman in a loft in Harlem. I am no news network, alas, although I'd do a better job of news than FOX News has so far.

The Republican race is crazy, interesting and tight, much like a 18-year-old Courtney Love's pussy [I'd imagine].

9.53 -- MSNBC has the Best Exit Poll [drink] display. It looks like a phantom slab of crystal, but it's all CGI shit! Amazing! Eat a dick, George Lucas! You're not the only one who can use fancy graphic techniques to pointless effect!

ANOTHER right-to-left combover. Fuck. FOX News still wins for having the most status quo glass ceiling. No ladies or minorities, there.

David Gregory, the monkey-esque new combover guy. Good for him. How old is this guy? He looks young and playful, but his hair suggests retirement.

OMG, polls to close in Utah soon! Expect no surprises from those idiots!

SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 8pm - 9pm

Well, it's finally here. I, Lingering Bursitis, your trusty bartender for the democratic force of Primaries, and picking who you like best based on things you care about.

Small backhistory: I'm about 11 beers in, thanks to a steady day of gentle ale quaffing. Food has been ordered, the TV is tuned to CNN for this hour, and every hour I'll be switching to a different channel to make fun of their coverage. So, for the time being, we're stuck with Wolf Blitzer's depressing, stuttering mess, and the self-trumpeted "Best Political Team on Television." I have a couple of my roommates with me, and together, we shall guide you through this quagmire. No cutting and running here [groan], I promise.

Without further ado.... drinking game rules!
Drink 1 for the following word of phrases:
- "The Best Political Team on Television"
- "Exit Poll"
- "Missoura"
- "Evangelical"
- Any time Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer pulls out an SAT II word like preponderous [said approx 11 minutes ago]

On the Democratic side, according to these exit polls [drink] so far:
Obama's won Illinois and Georgia.
Hillary snagged Oklahoma.

For Republicans:
Huckabee won West Virginia.
McCain has Connecticut and Illinois.
Romney snoozed through Massachusetts.

8.09 -- they're projecting that New Jersey belongs to John McCain. Thanks, you salami-chompers! You've voted for the jowliest man in the world.

I wish I could curl up with new CNN anchor-lady Campbell Brown [not a particularly sexy name], and listen to books on tape while feeding her organic fruit. She's delicious looking [she's the one next to Chevy Chase].

8.10 --Fuck! She's married. Curse the gods!

The Georgia race is interesting on the Republican side, as all three candidates have a fair shout there. The religious counties to the south love themselves some Huckabee, the military areas love McCain, and the annoying douchebags love them some Romney.

Meanwhile, Obama's dickstomping Hillary in Georgia.

They're also talking a lot about superdelegates. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I imagine that it's a self-nominated title, thrown about by the saddest, loneliest of folk. The kind of person who goes to bars alone and sits at the corner of the bar, eating beer nuts, hoping that people that are forced to sit either side of them will engage them in conversation.

8.12 -- Well, Wikipedia cleaned that mess up.

8.13 -- Wikipedia ruins things sometimes. I enjoyed my definition better. Much darker, much more literary and suited to TV and film. Bastards.

8.16 -- CNN sure spends a lot of money on TVs and touch-screens. They're distracting from what was just a good little debate from their current quartet. I wonder how often the quartet tags out... seems that they have about 8 folks who rotate through their little nook of the studio.

8.17 -- Fuck. CNN's graphics/sound package is overwhelming. To quote a friend, "We just got AK'd by Stars and bass drum." Note to TV news producers: adding lots of bass drum tones to your graphics doesn't automatically make it more important.

8.19 -- I realize that I'm on the East Coast, hence my time notations. Deal with it. I also realize I haven't really said anything profound about politics yet. You can fucking deal with that too.

8.20 -- This drinking game is killing me. I fully expect to have lost command of the English language by the time California closes its polls. I hope all our CA-based bartenders voted for the right people [aka the ones I like]. If they didn't, I will visit them all one-by-one and bring the pain via a series of painful, heavy blows with an axe. That's fucking democracy!

8.24 -- Obama's supporters just drowned Suzanne Malveaux out. Meanwhile, John McCain's party HQ is playing "Up on the Roof" in the background while Dana [pronounced "Danna"] Bash speaks. One wonders alone if this is a subtle Hurricane Katrina reference.

8.26 -- Fuck. I want to go on a diving trip between Campbell Brown's firm, milky thighs. She's soft, but strong. Like good-quality toilet paper. I would give about $50 to have a chance to kiss her. Delicious. She's "watching the numbers", and meanwhile, I am lustily watching her.

8.27 -- Huckabee's campaign HQ is playing some slow, agonized blues music. It's so appropriate, it hurts. HOLY SHIT, ARKANSAS'S CLOSING THEIR POLLS IN 3 MINUTES! I wonder who will win that shit. You figure Hillary and Huckabee.

8.30 -- I was right! Wolf Blitzer never fails to speak the obvious. "You figure Huckabee and Clinton would be deeply embarrassed to lose Arkansas, a state they've both spent a lot of time." No shit, buddy.

8.31 -- I find it hilarious that in terms of color-coding used on CNN, Mitt Romney drew the color dark brown, while Huckabee gets light pink. Begin Reservoir Dogs and/or scatalogical jokes immediately.

8.33 -- Fuck! Stop saying Exit Polls! I can't feel my left leg!

8.38 -- I'm going to try and slow down just a little, because I know you all hate reading. Obama is raping Hillary [yes, that's right, by a factor of 4] in Alabama; I am playing Rage Against the Machine every half-hour just to remind me of what tonight's all about: saying fuck you to the man. Or something.

8.45 -- Oh snap. Jowly McJowl wins Delaware. Delaware is famous for two things: Dogfish Head beers, and oh, being the first state. It was also the place where Gebhart v. Belton happened, one of the four court cases that eventually bloomed into Brown v. Board of Education. I have no idea where I'm going with that! Drink!

8.53 -- Blitzer said we have a "potential bonanza of delegates" getting announced at 9pm. Which sounds great!

Also, CNN has a blog expert? And she's petite, English, and has unusually dark hair? I need to know what the fuck that's about. However, in 6 minutes, we're changing channel, so who the fuck knows. That means new drinking game rules!

8.57 -- Paul Begala supports Hillary. That means he's a douche. I wish he'd shut up now. Only 3 minutes until we switch to FOX News, and that's when the fun really happens. That's when I begin self-mutilation and shove kitchen knives in my ears to prevent their prejudiced bullshit from getting in.

Proposition Man-Hug

Today is Super Tuesday, and there is a very important question that we all have to answer as American Citizens:

Can the "man-hug" replace the handshake as the preferred way for men to greet each other?

Now years ago, this would be a preposterous claim to make, one that could get you thrown in the stocks with a fresh coat of tar and feathers. The man-hug has long been frowned upon. Why would a man embrace another man in a hug when he could just as easily shake his hand and keep him at arm's length? What if this man is trying to kill me? Surely I don't want to expose my back to a man that may or may not have reason to stick a knife in it!

Part of the reason the man-hug has gotten such a bad rap is for ones that look like this or this. Society has long believed that the man-hug was somehow homosexual in nature and the handshake reigned supreme.

Despite this, the man-hug was still alive and well. There were even special circumstances where it was considered to be "ok" to do.

1. You can hug other male family members.
2. You can hug another man at a special event (Wedding, funeral, etc).
3. You can hug another man after a big win in any kind of sporting event, but both men must be wearing shirts.
4. If your friend gets engaged or has a child, you may hug him.
5. If you serve in the military with someone or are in any kind of near-death experience with them, hugging is ok upon seeing them again.

But for every 1 rule saying when it was ok to hug another dude, there seemed to be 2 rules specifically outlining times or circumstances where hugs were absolutely unacceptable. Men were even instructed to avoid the man-hug if at all possible by not reciprocating (See picture, left). The future looked bleak for the man-hug. The handshake looked at the man-hug, saw nothing worth liking, and drank the man-hug's milkshake.

But just like the '92 Bills, the man-hug has staged a miracle comeback. This is due to a few factors working together:

Hip Hop
There's no doubt that the man-hug owes much of its comeback to the hip hop world. Hip hop artists seem to be credited with inventing the next evolutionary step from the handshake, the "pound hug" or "pound shake". This starts off like a regular handshake, but can sometimes involve complicated moves such as "padlockin' it" and "puttin' the chain on it". From here, both parties can pull the other in and embrace quickly in a pound hug, which ends with one to two slaps on the back. While definitely a step toward the man-hug, the fact that the original handshake is still between the two men still classifies this move in the handshake family. But progress is being made.

9/11
In this post 9/11 society, it's ok for men to show emotion. I actually read that somewhere recently. True story.

The Sopranos
The man-hug made one of its biggest gains on the handshake when The Sopranos hit the airwaves. Here were a bunch of badass Italian mobsters and hitmen who almost never used the handshake. These guys completely skipped over the pound shake and went directly into the hug. Finally, America had some man-hug role models. Hell, they even went so far to practice the two-cheek kiss!

But still, the man-hug was being held back. Sure, Tony and company hugged like there was no tomorrow...but what about us men who aren't Italian? Or mobsters?

Entourage
Maybe HBO should be known as the Martin Luther King Jr. of the man-hug. HBO started the man-hug revolution with The Sopranos and arguably finished the job with Entourage. Entourage brought us the man-hug Jesus himself, Ari Gold. It seemed like not a week would go by without Ari telling us that the best solution to any problem was to "Hug it out, bitch!"

Pro man-hug groups rejoiced. Here were the biggest, richest, most powerful men in Hollywood, and they were hugging like there was no tomorrow. Not only was man-hugging acceptable, but Ari Gold was making it cool! What better way to show how masculine you were than not asking for a hug, but demanding one and calling someone else a bitch at the same time?

So now hugs seem to be on the upswing. There are free hug campaigns. Athletes are hugging each other more and more, even before the game is over. John Kerry and John Edwards showed in 2004 that man-hugging could get you nominated for office, just not elected.

But the hug still has a lot of ground to make up before dethroning the handshake. I mean, the handshake is the handshake, the staple of meeting strangers and closing deals for as long as we can remember. On the other hand, the man-hug has made leaps and bounds in popularity over the last 10 years. Who knows where it'll be in another 10 years?

So is it now acceptable under almost any circumstances to lay a man-hug on another dude? Are we doomed to live under the iron fisted rule of the handshake for the rest of eternity? These are the real issues today.

Are you for or against Proposition Man-Hug?

This is what the Man-Hug will look like in 2025.