50 States/50 Bands: NM to SC

January 14, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Suffering from insomnia one night, a vision came to me. It was, of course, not particularly useful. It was a vision of me recommending a musical act from each of the 50 states. More motivated than I have been in years, I sat down and hammered it out. Eons came and went. Civilizations rose and fell. Now I'm ready to share my baby with the world in five easy to digest posts. Naturally, the list reflects my own personal biases, so bring on the arguments. In some cases, there was no band or artist I liked from a particular state, and you can generally tell which ones those are.

Those download recommendations with an * can be heard on TMS Radio - so tune in and have a go.


*Note - TMS Radio appears to be fucked at the moment. These will be uploaded at a later time.

New Mexico - The Shins - I’m not familiar with their work. As far as I knew, a shin was a body part. Zach Braff told Chaim Witz to tell me they’re good though.

Download - Sleeping Lessons

New York - Ramones - The Ramones are one of the first American punk bands and they’ve influenced legions of followers. If you don’t know who they are, you’re dead to me.

*Download - Howling at the Moon (Sha-la-la)

North Carolina - Petey Pablo - Lots of famous names, but not much worth noting. The positively filthy rapper floats to the top of a pool that includes a bunch of flag waving hicks and lame asses like Ben Folds.

Download - Freak a Leek

North Dakota - Johnny Lang - I’d sing the blues if I lived in this frozen wasteland too.

Download - On My Feet Again

Ohio - Devo - What the hell was gong on here?

*Download - (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

Oklahoma - The All American Rejects - Would you prefer I went with Toby Keith? Perhaps Hanson?

*Download - Move Along

Oregon - The Decemberists - No, its not the same band as The Shins. Decent, inoffensive indie rock.

Download - Oh Valencia

Pennsylvania - Live - Radio quit playing them, but then again, radio blows. Lead singer Ed Kowalczyk made every effort imaginable to look like Michael Stipe for awhile. They’re probably the best band to come out of the alternative era.

*Download - Lakini’s Juice

Rhode Island - Talking Heads - Their connection to Rhode Island is fleeting, but its there. They formed at the Rhode Island School of Design in 1974. Good enough for me.

*Download - Road to Nowhere

South Carolina - James Brown - Did they bury the Godfather of Soul yet?

*Download - Living in America

Ha Ha, Look at You!

January 13, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Sure, this means that Mongoloid Manning is still playing, but expect his run of good luck to come crashing down in Green Bay. At least now we're spared from having to listen to all of the pundits spend the week leading up to the NFC Championship Game talking about how Tony Romo is 'the next Bret Favre'. How bout a Packers/Chargers Superbowl? No? Well, a boy can dream.

One Manning Down, One to Go...

January 13, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Chargers (minus Rivers, LT, and a healthy Antonio Gates) 28 Indianapolis 24

The Mustache Diaries - Day 12

January 12, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

In a futile and ill-advised attempt to gain the respect of firefighters and police officers everywhere, as well as to inject some much needed testosterone into my aura, I've decided to try to grow a mustache. I will chronicle the impending fallout. This is my story.

DAY 12



Comments: I'm cold and scared. Question. When I want to shave that atrocity on my chin to form a stache, how do I go about doing that? Just a normal razor? I imagine it's to the point where it would really hurt, possibly scarring me for life, both emotionally and physically. Do I need to buy an electric razor/beard trimmer? Aren't those things expensive? What have I gotten myself into? I feel the sudden urge to hunt wild game.

ThunderSim 2008: AFC Divisional Playoffs

January 12, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Alright, once again I've just ran out of time in getting the ThunderSim posts up. So here is yet another half-assed, "Mail it in" editions.

JACKSONVILLE at NEW ENGLAND
Spread: New England -13.5

I didn't expect this to be much of a game. 8-bit New England is just as dominating as the real team. I'm not sure they punted once in the entire game. If you were to play with this team against a buddy, I have no doubt that a controller would be thrown across the room after the third straight Brady to Moss TD.

I would expect the real Jags offense will be a little more productive, but that score isn't unreasonable.

ThunderSim's pick: New England -13.5

SAN DIEGO AT INDIANAPOLIS
Spread: Indianapolis -9

It's the incredibly inconsistent Philip Rivers and the Chargers versus the less retarded Manning brother and the Colts. Excuse me while I go nap for a while.

I personally could care less who wins. I'm not a fan of the Colts and I'm not a fan of Norv Turner. Let's see how ThunderSim saw it.

Ha! You stay classy San Diego. I'd think they'd use LT a little more but even when they did he was pretty unproductive. Philip Rivers looked like garbage and threw two picks.

But let's not just rip on the Chargers. While Indy won, they had a few missteps. A lot of stalled out drives in between their good ones. I could see a possible ThunderSim of Indy vs. New England to be a big shootout however.

ThunderSim's Pick: Indianapolis -9

So ThunderSim is pretty comfortable with all home teams covering this week. We'll see how close it really is. Tune in next week where I'll have no excuse to not have a proper post up as there are only two games.

ThunderSim 2008: NFC Divisional Playoffs

January 11, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Alright so how did ThunderSim do last week? 3-1 picking the winners, 2-2 against the spreads. Not bad, not bad at all. Let's see how it does with this week's games.

SEATTLE AT GREEN BAY
Spread: Green Bay -7.5

Welcome to sunny 8-bit Lambeau Field for today's game. You can't really tell but I programmed the crowd to look fatter since we're in Wisconsin.

Brett Favre is old enough you'd think he was on the original Tecmo Super Bowl. Alas, not quite. The Pack instead had the indispensable duo of Don Majkowksi and Anthony Dilweg.

Green Bay wins the toss and returns the ball to the 40. Brett Favre wastes no time and throws it deep to an open Donald Driver. Driver takes it down to the 6. Ryan Grant scores on a screen from Favre on the next play. 7-0 Green Bay.

Seattle returns the kickoff at the 24. The Seahawk drive starts off with Aaron Kampman planting Matt Hasselbeck in the ground about 9 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Seattle goes 3 and out. Green Bay gets the ball on their own 21.

Green Bay goes 3 and out as well. Lame.

Seattle gets the ball back on the ensuing punt on their 18 yard line. Shaun Alexander busts out for a 17 yard run. On the next play Hasselbeck throws a pick to Charles Woodson right before the clock runs out.

Ryan Grant kicks off the second quarter with a 38 yard run down to the 2 yard line. On the next play Favre scrambles around to find an open receiver before calling his own number and diving in for the TD. 14-0 Green Bay.

The Seattle offense continues to flounder and yet again goes 3 and out. Green Bay gets the ball at their own 10 yard line.

After a couple huge gains from Ryan Grant, the Packers score again on a 25 yard TD by Favre to Driver. 21-0 Green Bay. This is getting ugly pretty quickly.

With what little time is left in the half, Seattle half asses a drive which ends with Josh Brown missing a 52 yard field goal as time expires.

Seattle starts the half with the ball on their 18 yard line. Alexander breaks off a couple big runs and the Seahawks are finally showing some life. Hasselbeck connects to Bobby Engram who gets down to the 3 yard line. After a couple failed goal line runs, Maurice Morris finally punches it through for the TD. 21-7 Green Bay.

The Packers immediately go 3 and out and Seattle attempts to ride the momentum. The drive looks to stall out right away as Kampman sacks Hasselbeck again to force a 3rd and 21 situation. Hasselbeck gets the first down however, finding Deion Branch just beyond the marker.

The most ridiculous play then occurs. Matt Hasselbeck scrambles in the pocket, decides to run and proceeds to take it like 40 yards downfield. Chaim has a better chance of growing a Magnum P.I. mustache than this play ever really happening. Sorry ThunderSim, I call shenanigans on that one. The third quarter ends as the Seattle drive continues.

As the fourth quarter begins, Hasselbeck finds Engram for the TD. 21-14 Green Bay. This may be a game after all.

Green Bay gets the ball in nice field position as they return it to the Seattle 43. After a failed run, and a sack by Kevin Bentley, Green Bay is facing a 3rd and long and a possible game-changing punt. Favre manages to work some of his magic and throws a rope to a diving Donald Driver. First down.

The Packers begin to roll and Favre eventually finds TE Donald Lee for the TD. 28-14 Green Bay.

Literally unfazed, Hasselbeck finds Bobby Engram deep who then takes it down to the Packers 30. The ground game drives them into the red zone and Deion Branch scores the TD on a Hasselbeck pass. 28-21 Green Bay.

With little time left the Seahawks go for the onside but fail miserably as Green Bay gets the ball and takes it to the Seattle 34. Favre throws a short pass to Driver, who breaks off a defender and runs it all the way to the 1 yard line. Favre drives the final nail in the coffin with another TD run. 35-21 Green Bay.

With one last chance, Seattle putzes around until the clock runs out.

Player of the game goes to Donald Driver who came up with a couple big time catches to keep the Packers ahead.

ThunderSim's pick: Green Bay -7.5

NEW YORK GIANTS AT DALLAS

Spread: Dallas -7.5

Wow, so Eli beats Tampa Bay and suddenly he's the great clutch QB? So the press seems to think. Still looks like the same retarded kid I've always known.

Giants win the toss and start with the ball first. Nothing interesting happens and they punt. Dallas manages to reach the Giants 40 before settling for a 57 yard field goal from Nick Folk. 3-0 Dallas.

As the second quarter begins, the Giants are in the middle of a good drive before stalling out on the Dallas 33. Lawrence Tynes misses the field goal and the Cowboys get the ball back.

After a big run from Julius Jones, Romo connects with Terrell Owens in the endzone for a TD. 10-0 Dallas.

Sadly nothing else of importance happens in the first half. Let's check out the halftime festivities.

That's actually the Sklar Brothers in drag.

The world reknown all flute band, Locomotive Breath played. Filling in for Beecake who canceled at the last second.

Also making an appearance, the Ron Paul blimp.

Back to the game. Dallas drives downfield before Nick Folk hits a 49 yard field goal on fourth down. 13-0 Dallas.

As you can tell, this game bored the living shit out of me so I'm sparing you the mundane details of what transpired. Moving on to the fourth quarter. Mongoloid Manning eventually figures out how to throw a good pass and finds Kevin Boss in the endzone for the TD. 13-7 Dallas.

So this is looking like it could be a game finally right? Wrong. The Cowboys offense picks apart the Giants D and marches right down field and ends the drive with a TD pass to Patrick Crayton who upon scoring shouts, "I just drank your milkshake!" Indeed. 20-7 Dallas.

The Giants are then rendered as useless as the retard they have behind center. The game ends. Gameball goes to me for enduring that shitstorm of a game instead of actually doing real work.

ThunderSim's Pick: Dallas -7.5

AFC picks tomorrow. Probably in a mailed in version yet again.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #21 High Fidelity

January 11, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Title: High Fidelity
Year: 2000
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Main Actors: John Cusack, Iben Hjejle, Todd Louiso, Jack Black, Tim Robbins
Ranked:
Chip #15, Chaim #21, Daft Funk #15

Synopsis
Rob (Cusack), a record store owner, has to deal with the fact that his girlfriend Laura (Hjejle) has left him, mostly because he has not changed at all since the time she first met him. Rob's way of coping with his mid-life crisis is to count down and examine the top 5 breakups of his life, including his current one. While this is going on, Rob must deal with the antics of his two employees (Louiso and Black) and also try to deal with the fact that Laura starts dating his former upstairs neighbor. I feel like I have to mention that Joan Cusack is also in this movie, although she brings absolutely nothing to the film, just like she always does.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass

This movie is pretty what made making lists cool again. I've done the research, and before 2000, list making was down. After High Fidelity, list making's approval ratings shot up to over 90%. In all seriousness, this movie kicks ass because, for once, there's a cool romantic comedy about what it's like to be on the guy's side of things. Rob is almost the perfect protagonist for this movie. Just like all of us, he's not perfect, and he probably thinks he's cooler than he is. But you can tell he's being affected by the things going on around him. High Fidelity proved that you could be an elitist snob and still be likable.

Also, there's some brief Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas sideboob halfway through the movie. That counts for something, right?

Monster Role
As great as Cusack (John, not his Amazonian sister) is, I'm gonna have to hand this to Jack Black. This was before Black was a big celebrity, coming off supporting roles in The Cable Guy and Enemy Of The State. Black's character Barry is the perfect antidote to the seriousness that the rest of the movie can have. After any particularly depressing scenes, all you need is a shot of the interior of the record store to pick you back up, because you know Barry is coming (probably dancing/singing) to do something crazy and just a little bit asshole-ish. Also, his rendition of "Let's Get It On" at the end of the movie is breathtaking.

Make Your Weiner Tingle Moment
By far, the best laugh-out-loud moment of the film is when Rob confronts Laura's new boyfriend (A pony-tailed and underrated Tim Robbins) in the record store. At the end of their conversation, Rob sees 3 scenarios in his head as to how he would like to end the conversation, ranging from screaming obscenities to physical violence. I won't say anything more so I don't ruin it for those of you who have not seen this movie. For those of you that have, you're probably laughing to yourself already anyway.

Also for those that have seen the film, there is this classic exchange:

Customer: "Who is this?"
Rob: "The Beta Band."
Customer: "It's good."
Rob: "I know."

Watch this movie if you like.....
Top 5 lists, wacky at-work antics, random Lisa Bonet appearances, awful cooking smells



Let 'em riot. We're Sonic-fuckin'-Death Monkey.

Best Albums of 2007 on TMS Radio

January 10, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

I've compiled a station on TMS Radio for everyone to listen to some of the tracks off of our Best of 2007 lists. This station is sort of all over the place so you'll have to approach it with an open mind. Hopefully you discover something new that you like.

To listen on Windows Media Player click on the following link:
http://n90.mediamaster.com/myradio/plist/3000117965/TMS_Radio.asx

To listen on iTunes or Winamp click on the following link:
http://n90.mediamaster.com/myradio/plist/3000117965/TMS_Radio.pls

TMS Bookworm Edition, Volume I

January 10, 2008 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley

In an effort to disprove our rough-and-tumble, alcohol-driven image, the bartenders would like to wander into the realm of the literary world. Kind of a "Best of 2007: Books" list. The only problem is, we haven't read that many books released in 2007, so we're highlighting some of the best books we READ in 2007. So put down your Atari 2600 joystick, you can get back to Pitfall later. Remember when you used to read? Well, it's back with a vengeance in 2008, so much so that it's been dubbed as: Reading: The new 'black'.

The Hundley

The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson. I saw this book so many times at the local book store and I couldn't understand it. Without ever picking it up, it looked like it showed the nation's capital, and with that title, I assumed it was talking about Dubya. When I finally did pick it up, I saw that it was a true story about the World's Fair in Chicago during 1893. I felt like a dumbass for not knowing that this happened. The book follows two people and how their paths interweave. One is the man in charge of making The Fair happen, a monumental task, considering that an entire city was built within a few years. The other story is of a local entrepreneur looking to capitalize on the fair's commerce, and also whetting his serial killer appetite. Just an unbelievable book. Also won numerous awards.

Brewing Up a Business: Adventures in Entrepreneurship from the Founder of Dogfish Head Craft Brewery by Sam Calagione. I don't pretend to be an entrepreneur because I am not, but who nows, maybe someday. This book is a hell of a read if you even have the slightest urge of making your own company. While this book could (and probably should) pass as a college text book, it certainly doesn't read that way. It involves the personal story of Sam Calagione, owner of Dogfish Head Craft Brewery in Delaware, the country's fastest growing brewery. The author carefully interweaves business practices with true and funny experiences of his own, all along showing what it takes to turn your idea into a reality. You'll also learn a few tips on brewing beer, so that never hurts.

Vengeance: The True Story of an Israeli Counter-Terrorist Team by George Jonas. You've seen the movie Munich, right? Well this is the book that the movie was based on. It involves the true story of five men in an Israeli Special Forces Unit that was secretly assembled in response to the 'Black September' murders of 11 Israeli athletes during the 1972 Summer Olympics in Munich. True of many book-to-movie endeavors, the book contains far more details and a more complete backstory, including the moral dilemmas that the Special Forces unit underwent.

Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in My Life as a Basketball Vagabond by Paul Shirley. Imagine if one of your good drinking buddies from school played basketball in college and the pros, and then he wrote you frequent emails, humorously recounting his experiences. That is the main gist of this book. Never a star in college (taking a backseat behind Fizer and Tinsley at Iowa State) or in the pros (reread the title), Shirley kept himself grounded and thankfully, managed to keep his sense of humor. He gives the reader a taste of how dumb and decadent NBA stars can be, as well as how thankless and, at times, hopeless life can be as a pro baller in the CBA or overseas. It's a fast read and one that will have you laughing out loud. This is high praise, coming from a guy who is a lifelong Hawkeye (me), reading a book about a Cyclone (Shirley). Dude also has a legendary column at ESPN.com

Miracle in the Andes by Nando Parrado. Here we go again, another book that has been made into a movie. Not exactly, the movie Alive was based on the book by the same title. Miracle in the Andes was written by an actual survivor of the Uruguayan plane of rugby players, friends, and family that crashed in the Chilean Andes Mountains in 1972. For 72 days, Nando and some his fellow survivors managed to stay alive, high in the mountains, with no food and no way of contacting the outside world. When a radio was found, they heard that the search had been called off, and they were forced to make some tough decisions that would ultimately keep them alive and save them. The first was that with no food, they would have to eat the bodies of the deceased. The second was that they would have to hike and climb to find someone to rescue them, or they would surely die on the mountain. This is an epic tale of survival and one young man's sheer will, determination, and yearning to see his father again. It's amazing that he was even able to climb considering all of the mental and physical obstacles that Parrado dealt with. After reading this, you'll likely call your dad just to talk to him.

Chaim Witz

IV by Chuck Klosterman. Admittedly, I have a huge man crush on Chuck Klosterman. Anybody that can wax poetic about the virtues of the KISS solo albums in one breath and then discuss baseball ad nauseum in the next has my undivided attention. His second effort, 'Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs' remains one of my favorite reads ever. Seriously, how many sports journalists do you think can talk shop about music (besides Springsteen and U2)? And how many horn-rimmed music nerds can would be able to tell you how to fix the NBA? Klosterman combines the best of both worlds, all while coming off as funny, sincere and surprisingly unpretentious.

IV is his most recent work and also his most erratic. It's basically a collection of essays that he wrote for various magazines, Spin and Esquire to be specific. This is a hit or miss affair, with most of the misses stemming from the celebrity profiles that he gets assigned to do. Proof positive that celebrities really aren't that interesting. It's when he outlines the criteria that makes certain music acts 'advanced' or differentiates between an 'arch rival' and a 'nemesis' that the author truly gets to shine. An easy, enjoyable read for anyone with the slightest interest in music, sports and women.

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - This was written by that guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. For those that don't know, it's the true life account of Richard Hickock and Perry Smith, two ex-cons who in 1959 made headlines by murdering a family of four in a quiet Kansas town. Capote tells this story through interviews with the victims family and friends and also from information that he gathered while getting to know Hickock and particularly Smith, as they waited on death row. People smarter than I have used the words 'brilliant' and 'masterpiece' to describe this, Capote's signature work. These people were right.

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. Ok, so I didn't read this one in 2007 (2006 is a better approximation). But this is probably my favorite piece of fiction ever and how often do we pimp books on TMS? Read this book. The author, John Kennedy Toole committed suicide before the book was even published, so it's the least you could do for the man. In 1981 the book was awarded the Pulitzer Prize. For those of you who can't read, that's the equivalent of winning the MVP. This book was to literature in 1981 what Tom Brady was to football in 2007. Good looking and on point.

It tells the story of Ignatius J. Reilly, an eccentric, idealistic and morbidly obese man who lives with his mother in pre-Katrina New Orleans. He hates everything, particularly those things that are popular with the masses, and he proudly sports a thick and unruly mustache. He loves to eat, write erotic letters and make fun of others. He doesn't like to leave New Orleans because of a bad experience he had once on a Greyhound Bus en route to Baton Rouge. This book chronicles his life and it's various pratfalls, from unrequited love to his stint as a napping hot dog vendor and his attempt to start a coup at a pants factory.

This is the greatest book ever written.

No Country for Old Men and The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I'll keep this short and sweet. If you'd like more info on the former, go see the movie. If you'd like more info on the latter, stare at a wall for five hours. 'No Country'. Very good. 'The Road'. Very bad.

The Dangerous Book for Boys by Hal Iggulden - Ok, so I just got this a week ago for my birthday, so maybe I'm cheating. But really, this a book that any red blooded American should own. I saw it listed atop the best seller list for months and never knew what it was. What can I say? I'm a sucker for danger.

It's a basically a collection of random stuff that every straight guy should know. Do you yearn for the day when kids played outside and made tree forts and read books? Back in the day, before playing 'Halo 3' online was an acceptable way to kill 12 hours? Then this book is for you (and your kid). Here are just a few of the gems it contains: Building a Treehouse, A List of Baseball's MVPS, Famous Battles in History, Skipping Stones, How to Play Poker, Hunting and Cooking a Rabbit, The Seven Wonders of the World, and of course, Dinosaurs. Reading this book has given my mustache a thick and powerful shine.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon - Another Pulitzer Winner. (This isn't always a good thing. See: The Road) This book is challenging to say the least. It's one of those where, for the first 100 pages (this is a 600+ page behemoth) your mind wanders and you have to re-read sections. You want to give up. You wonder aloud on a train, 'Is this worth it?' The homeless man leaning against the door nods in a way that says, 'Yes. Yes it is.' So you forge on.

I don't even know if I can do this book justice with a synopsis. It follows two Jewish cousins, Joe the Czech and his cousin Sam, who he comes to live with in Brooklyn before WWII. They are both artistically inclined and thus begin to draw comics. This was in the 'golden age' of comics, when they were legit and everybody read em. Slowly (very slowly sometimes) they become famous and start to grow apart. Joe draws a lot of comics where the hero is beating up Hitler. Sam is secretly gay. Lots of other shit happens that I can't really remember unless I were to consult Wikipedia. This was a very good book that made me feel smarter for having read it. That said, it took me a solid 4 months on and off to finish it. Recommended, but not for those who don't enjoy a good challenge.

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Wild Card Weekend

January 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

What, its Wednesday you say? Who cares. As Mel says, its vodka-o-clock somewhere. The best thing about Wild Card Weekend has to be the fact that we didn't have to see the Cowboys, Packers, Colts, or Pats. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted since we have a Cowboys/Giants matchup this weekend to bore the country to tears.


Seattle 35
Washington 14

This game was so bad for Washington, it caused Joe Gibbs to quit. Or maybe it was that he's 142 yeard old...or that working for Dan Snyder is like hell on earth...whatever. The Redskins did absolutely nothing for the entire first half. Then they came back and actually took the lead in the 3rd quarter before Todd Collins decided to remind everyone why he isn't a starting quarterback in the NFL by throwing a pick right to some no-name Seattle defender. The Seahawks rolled and put up 22 straight points.

Jacksonville 31
Pittsburgh 29

Let me preface this by saying I hate both these teams and couldn't bear to watch this game. The TMS Super Sim Tecmo Wii 2003 2.0 nearly nailed this one. It had the Jags winning 31-28 I think. How did the Jags give up 29 points to a Willie Parker-less Pittsburgh team? Ben Sixdollarburger must have had a good game. Nah, he threw three interceptions. The Jags just aren't as good as you think they are.

NY Giants 24
Tampa Bay 14

Why must every Giants broadcast be three hours of As the Eli Turns? Every thing Eli does is scrutinized and discussed in nauseating detail. Lets be honest, the Giants aren't in the playoffs because of Eli. He blows. They have a nasty defense that has carried them this year. There isn't much to say about this game. It was boring. I can't even think of a Jeff Garcia gay joke, so I'll just close by saying he likes men.

San Diego 17
Tennessee 6

Good thing Tennessee made the playoffs instead of Cleveland. I mean, they were able to make a game of it for 30 minutes before the Chargers defense decided it was time to kill Vince Young. I will say this, they successfully shut down LT, but that only led to the embarassment of having Phillip Rivers beat them. Congrats to Norv, who has now done something Marty Schottenheimer couldn't do...win a playoff game.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Phillip Rivers (292 YDS 1 TD)
RB - vacant
WR - Hines Ward (10 Catches 135 YDS)
WR - Vincent Jackson (114 YDS 1 TD)
TE - vacant
DEF - San Diego (3 sacks, 1 INT, 6 points allowed)

*Running backs and tight ends did NOTHING this week.

The Flaming Bag Team
Known as Hellman's east of the Rockies.

Camilla Parker Bowles: What a hag.

TMS Presents: Cubs News!

January 08, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz


-The Hawk was denied his Hall pass yet again. Instead, the unwashed masses choose another closer. Yeah I know. The Goose earned his saves. He got over 50 of em' by getting at least 7 outs. But c'mon, first Eck, then Sutter and now Goose? What kind of mustachioed closer fetish does the Hall have exactly? That's like the NFL Hall of Fame just electing kickers every year. Nobody wants to see that.

Andre Dawson played the game the right way. And he did it as a paraplegic. The man essentially had no knees. But I'm not asking for a sympathy vote. He still managed to put the required offensive numbers and then some. If we're gonna let Ozzie Smith in for defense, lets not forget that Andre had a cannon for an arm and could cover ground with the best of them. And in this steroid, controversy-laden era, shouldn't his stats mean even more? Who am to say? I'm just a wayward blogger with a wannabe mustache that yearns for an upper lip like Goose's.

-Angel Pagan was traded to the Mets last week. In return the Cubs got a couple of minor leagues who will probably go the way of Ty Griffin. What does it all mean? Not much really. The Cubs outfield was more crowded than the Huxtable house at Christmas, so someone had to go. At least it wasn't Thunder. Get excited everybody. This could very well mean more pinch hit opportunities for the man whose name keeps this unholy site viable.

The Mustache Diaries - Day 8

January 08, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

In a futile and ill-advised attempt to gain the respect of firefighters and police officers everywhere, as well as to inject some much needed testosterone into my aura, I've decided to try to grow a mustache. I will chronicle the impending fallout. This is my story.


DAY 8



Comments: Good Lord, do I play baseball for the Houston Astros? Am I a hockey player? Goatees are sooo pre-9/11. Is it time to shave it into a stache? No! Too soon! Too soon! This look tells the world, "I enjoy drinking domestic light beer out of a can."

Cubs of Yore: Ty Griffin

January 07, 2008 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley


Nickname:
Georgia Peach of Shit

Played for The Cub: never

Random Write-up: There are a few names in Cub memories that make you wince. Okay, there are many of them. The Amateur Baseball Draft and The Cubs go together about as well Tina and Ike Turner. Many first round picks leave you scratching your head: Mike Harkey, Derek May, Brooks Kieschnick, etc. However underachieving they may have been, at least they had a Major League career. Ty Griffin was never afforded one. The 9th overall selection in the 1988 draft never made it past AA ball. Well then why are you mentioning him? Good question, take a look at the card. For some reason, Topps decided to release this (was Ed Lynch somehow involved?), and we were tortured with this national exposure. 10 year olds everywhere were talking in the schoolyard about the prized card. "I'm Ty Griffin!" was shouted during backyard games of 500. Such a frenzy even existed nationally, where people were actually wondering if we would move Sandberg back to third base once Ty broke in with the big league club! Little did we know that in a short period of time, we would be treated to a text book case of Cubbie Blue Balls.

What the hell?: Ty was one of the big factors in Team USA's Gold Medal at the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, South Korea. This came on the heels of his heroic performance in the 1987 Pan Am Games where he hit a 2-out game winning home run in the bottom of the 9th inning, handing Cuba its first international loss since 1967. His career numbers for the National Team were outstanding, hitting .416 with 16 homers and 52 RBI, and adding 21 steals. His plus-.400 average was good enough to outdo his teammates (and future Major Leaguers) Tino Martinez, Scott Servais, and Mickey Morandini. During his collegiate career at Georgia Tech, he was just as impressive, earning numerous All-American honors and splitting The Baseball America Summer Baseball Player of the Year Award with Robin Ventura.

In his professional career, things started out strong. He debuted in A ball with The Peoria Chiefs, where he put up solid numbers of .287 with 10 home runs, 64 RBI (Midwest League Leader), 16 steals, 45 runs, 6 triples, 15 doubles, and 49 walks. This impressive start got him promoted to AA Charlotte Knights, where his numbers fell. Still, Baseball America ranked him as the #2 prospect in all of baseball. It would be the high point for Ty Griffin's baseball career. In his second season he posted numbers of .217 and .209 between Winston-Salem and Charlotte. His fielding percentage was a Little League-like .833 and he was moved to the outfield. The following season showed some progress, where he managed a .242 average, but teams no longer saw anything that got them excited. What was that about moving Sandberg to third? By 1992 he was out of baseball.

Also of Note: Elected to the Georgia Tech Hall of Fame in 1994. Holds ACC record for career steals with 127. Made an ill-fated comeback in the St. Louis Cardinals organization, where he hit .274 in AA during the 1995 season. His last season, 1996, was spent in the Independent League, and we all collectively built a funeral pyre with Griffin's baseball cards and danced around like mad Injuns. He was an industrial engineer major at Tech, so hopefully he used that to fall back on.