TMS Presents: The Best CDs of 2007

If there is one thing the saloon bartenders like more than alcohol, its movies. Unfortunately its not time for the Best Movies of 2007 yet, so you have to deal with the Best CDs of 2007.

For reasons I don't remember (tequila was probably involved), I committed to collecting each bartender's list and putting them together in a post that would knock your dick in the dirt. Well, maybe not that good, but it would make your dick go somewhere. Instead, there's this.

Displaying the management skills that got my namesake recalled in 2003, I didn't bother to lay out any ground rules. As a result, some lists have blurbs, some don't. Some include the very important "Biggest Disappointment", others don't. You get the idea. Without further ado, the most Fergalicious CDs of 2007 (in no order whatsoever):

Chip Wesley - This list contains bluegrass. Exercise extreme caution.

1. Radiohead - In Rainbows - Let the naysayers bitch all they want and wax poetic about the brilliance of The Bends. Track for track this is the most solid album of 2007.

2. Okkervil River - The Stage Names - The only album in my Top 5 that no one else probably has. They win my "Quit Bugging Me" Award for the album I keep badgering people to check out. 'The Stage Names' takes the crown from the 2006 winner, 'The Loon' by Tapes n' Tapes.

3. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver - Good to see that some remnants of the whole electronica/dance fad lived on. This album really has grown on me.

4. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky - Just read whatever Brant puts down about them. He can probably praise this album better than I can, or at least give it a nice sprinkling of pompousness.

5. Silverchair - Young Modern - I have to admit the other bartenders turned me on to this. When they first talked about Silverchair having a new album I had to admit I was skeptical. All I could remember was Frogstomp. Well take the thoughts of that album and throw them out the window. Silverchair has greatly evolved. 'Straight Lines' quickly became a favorite of the Summer for me.

6. Hackensaw Boys - Look Out - They're a bluegrass group asshole. You shut your mouth and have a listen before you say anything else. I'm quite certain that if you don't like this album you don't like music.

7. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga - This album gets better towards the end then at the beginning. This would've ranked higher if it weren't for track 2, 'The Ghost of You Lingers'. I just don't like that song at all and it's reached "automatic hit the skip button reflex" level every time it comes on.

8. White Stripes - Icky Thump - Jack White still rocking out in his own world of absurdity. The odder tracks like 'Conquest' and 'Prickly Thorn, Sweetly Worn' are probably my favorites.

9. The Subjects - With the Ease Grace Precision and Cleverness of Human Beings - This is a sneaky album. Many of the tracks start out as simple standard fare lo-fi indie rock that you find yourself tapping your foot to. But then they build up some steam and suddenly you find yourself thinking, "You know, this actually fucking rocks."

10. Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops - "AMERICA! Eating my lunch from a single bowl!" When you're done with your Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia bullshit, go check out what truly funny and original stand-up comedian sounds like.

Biggest Disappointment - Governor Gray Davis's list

Brant Brown - This list is very diverse.

1. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky - This is their first studio album with Nels Cline on lead guitar. What a master. Slower in tempo than their previous efforts. More easy and heartfelt. Overall, Jeff Tweedy's second-best effort after Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Check out What Light, Side with the Seeds and Hate it Here.

2. Radiohead - In Rainbows - This is their best album since OK Computer, a slight notch above Kid A. A monumental effort on Nude, which has been floating around, occasionally being played live for over ten years. Weird Fishes is a driving song that highlights Yorke's voice. Great album through and through. Check out Weird Fishes, Nude, and House of Cards.

3. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver - Didn't know much about these guys till we saw them live, opening for Arcade Fire (should have been the other way around). This album made me finally break down and delve into the world of what the kids call "electronic" music. The driving rock/dance/disco rhythm's here are fun and made to be played at very high decibels. Check out North American Scum, Time to Get Away, and New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down.

4. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga - Though not as personally satisfying as Gimme Fiction, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga is still a great album if listened to in its entirety. The Underdog looks to be giving these guys some much deserved popular acclaim, even if it may not be the best song on the album. Check out Cherry Bomb and Don't Make Me a Target.

5. Silverchair - Young Modern - As every rock critic has said, these guys finally grew up with Young Modern. While it may not necessarily be my favorite Silverchair album, it's brought them back into the rock fold, particularly with the success of Straight Lines. Daniel Johns is also a hell of a showman live, and clearly overcame the anorexia. Check out Reflections of a Sound and Those Theiving Birds.

6. Stereophonics - Pull the Pin - Certainly not their best effort either, but it has a couple modern rock gems in the batch. They need to get back to the shredding guitar solos and female backing vocals of yore. Check out It Means Nothing and Daisy Lane.

7. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible - I'm souring on the Arcade Fire, mostly due to their lackluster live show. Still, no one can deny that this was a very good album. Check out (Antichrist Television Blues) and No Cars Go if you're one of the young Americans that doesn't already own the album.

8. The Good the Bad and the Queen - The Good the Bad and the Queen - Yet another excellent effort by Damon Albarn and a new handpicked crew of talent. Check out Northern Whale and The Good the Bad and the Queen.

9. Richard Swift - Dressed Up for the Letdown - Mellow solo artist that I personally enjoy. Others may not. So be it. Check out The Songs of National Freedom and P.S. It All Falls Down.

10. Kings of Leon - Because of the Times - Much better album than their second. Check out On Call and Ragoo.

Biggest Disappointment - The failure of the United States and philanthropists worldwide to apply charitable monetary contributions at the base levels, in support of the people and organizations who are on the ground solving real issues concerning malnutrition, potable water sources, genocide, and diseases such as AIDS and malaria in sub-Saharan Africa.

Chaim Witz - This list is more diverse.

1. Silverchair - 'Young Modern' - Consider my dick to be in the dirt.

2. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova - 'Once' Soundtrack - A fitting companion piece to my favorite movie of the year.

3. The White Stripes - 'Icky Thump' - My cat can probably play more complicated drum fills than Meg White but this is an album you can go into battle with.

4. Velvet Revolver - 'Libertad' - Because 'Chinese Democracy' is NEVER coming out.

5. Kanye West - 'Graduation' - Finally a rapper that doesn't scare white people. I'm in.

6. Bloc Party - 'A Weekend In the City' - This is some gay Brit dance rock that I can really get behind.

7. The New Pornographers - 'Challengers' - I try to support pornography in any way that I can.

8. Radiohead - 'In Rainbows' - Because I'm told that it is genius.

9. Cold War Kids - 'Robbers and Cowards' - This album is as uneven as my sexuality but when it's good it's real good.

10. The Shins - 'Wincing the Night Away' - Because Zach Braff told me to.

Biggest Disappointment - Arcade Fire - Neon Bible - This album probably would have been better if several relatives of the band had died while they recorded it

Daft Funk - (insert snide comment here)

1. Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero - The most ambitious and well thought-out "album" of the year by far.

2. The White Stripes - Icky Thump - I don't care if it's now "trendy" to like Jack White. He is by far one of the most talented musicians in the world. He knows exactly to go with a subtle blues-y riff, or when to pull out all the stops for a face melting guitar solo.

3. Bright Eyes - Cassadega
4. Coheed And Cambria - Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume Two: No World For Tomorrow
5. Electric Six - I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master
6. Kings Of Leon - Because Of The Times
7. Queens Of The Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
8. Against Me! - New Wave
9. Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace
10. The Hives - The Black And White Album

GovernorGrayDavis - This list rules.

1. Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light - Bash away haters. This may be Jimmy Eat World's best CD. "Rock on young savior, just don't get up your hopes" - Where were those words of wisdom when I was 15? Download - Here it Goes

2. Silverchair - Young Modern - I was never into them when they came out, but the last three CDs have really hooked me. Download - Waiting All Day

3. Stereophonics - Pull the Pin - I'm not quite sure where these guys are heading, but I like it. Download - Stone

4. REM - REM Live - There's only one new song on here, but when you combine the CD and DVD, its three hours of REM live. You can't go wrong. Download - Ascent of Man

5. Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight - I never thought I'd have a Linkin Park CD on anything other than a most overplayed rock/rap list. This is good stuff though. Download - Shadow of the Day

6. Serj Tankian - Elect the Dead - Another one I never thought I'd end up listing. The System of a Down singer's solo CD is hard and weird. Download - Feed Us

7. The Killers - Sawdust - There are a couple bombs on this one (Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town stands out as particularly awful), but thats inevitable with 17 tracks. Overall, its surprisingly good for a B-sides collection. Download - Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf

8. The Used - Lies for the Liars - This falls apart about halfway through, but 2007 wasn't a good year for music so here it is. Download - Hospital

9. Against Me - New Wave - I never heard of these guys until Thrash Unreal came out. Its kind of a punk/pop thing. Unfortunately they're from Florida. Download - Thrash Unreal

10. Kid Rock - Rock n Roll Jesus - Again, the derth of good music rears its head. I like Kid Rock, but this was a let down. There are five or six good ones on here though. Download - Lowlife (Living the Highlife)

Biggest Disappointment - The fact that every time Radiohead releases a CD that sounds like whales humping people cream their jeans.

Lingering Bursitis - Unfortunately, Camila Parker Bowles and kidney pie didn't make the cut.

1. Ghostface Killah - The Big Doe Rehab
2. Radiohead - In Rainbows
3. The Budos Band - II
4. Wu-Tang Clan - 8 Diagrams
5. Jose Gonzalez - In Our Nature
6. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
7. Eugene Blacknell - We Can't Take Life for Granted [compilation/re-issue]
8. Digitalism - Digitalism
9. Simian Mobile Disco - Attack Decay Sustain
10. Battles - Mirrored

Biggest Disappointment - Prince - Planet Earth

Dave Thomas - A lot of these look familiar...

1. Radiohead - In Rainbows
2. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
3. The White Stripes - Icky Thump
4. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
5. Ghostface Killah - The Big Doe Rehab
6. Silverchair - Young Modern
7. Wu Tang Clan - 8 Diagrams
8. Jay-Z - American Gangster
9. Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
10. Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops

Biggest Disappointment - Bruce Springsteen - Magic

The Hundley - This list has been busted for performance enhancing drugs.

1. Eddie Vedder - Into The Wild Soundtrack - There's really no explanation other than it's just an album full of great songs. Not entirely long, but not too short either. Pearl Jam fans will appreciate it as it (obviously) is similar to the stuff that Eddie Vedder writes. Great driving music. Be sure to listen to "No Ceiling" and "Far Behind"

2. The White Stripes - Icky Thump - Seems like people are love/hate with Jack White. I'm not sure what's to hate aside from his goofy clothes and sometimes "David Bowie" look. The music is raw, loud, and raunchy much like their past stuff, while managing to distinguish itself nicely. Best part about this band is they don't try to do too much. I'll say it, Jack White is this generation's Jimi Hendrix with his talent and creativity. Hit play on "Icky Thump" and "Catch Hell Blues"

3. The Fucking Champs - VI
4. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky - They went all Grateful Dead.
5. Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
6. Grace Potter and the Nocturnals - This is Somewhere
7. Pearl Jam - Live at the Gorge 05/06
8. Silverchair - Young Modern
9. Interpol - Our Love to Admire
10. Bowerbirds - Hymns for a Dark Horse - I only voted for this because I am friends with the lead singer.

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 15

It's the most exciting time of the year, what with all the playoff "races" coming down to the wire. And yet, here at the Saloon, responsibility for writing the Hangover is passed off more times than a case of herpes at a frat party. Consider Mel and I infected.

Houston 31 Denver 13
The Texans continued their march toward respectability by notching win #7 on the season. This is 7 more wins than I had predicted for them at the beginning of the season. Andre Johnson continues to impress, and Texans fans have to wonder if they would be on the way to the playoffs if he hadn't missed time this year due to injury. Meanwhile, Denver fans wonder if they could have been on the road to the playoffs, if only they built a time machine and abducted the '99 team to play today.

San Francisco 20 Cincinnati 13
Shaun Hill starts at QB for the Niners...and wins? It helps when you play a team like the Bengals. "We definitely knew who we were up against today," said head coach Mike Nolan, "and we adjusted our game plan to it. Every time a Bengals receiver was going to catch a pass, we just yelled out 'Hands where I can see 'em!' and it usually spooked them enough to cause an incompletion."

Cleveland 8 Buffalo 0
People may mock Buffalo for laying the proverbial "goose egg", but look at Cleveland. They actually laid what looks like 2 goose eggs. Isn't that worse? Unless it's a snowman. Or a set of balls.

Tennessee 26 Kansas City 17
Seeing how Herm Edwards' mom probably didn't even care about this game, I will move on.

(Quick question: Does anyone else think that Herm Edwards and Tony Dungy are both clones of Tyrone Willingham? Remember in that movie Multiplicity where they cloned Michael Keaton twice, and the clones were all wacky? That's what happened. Herm is the direct clone of Ty Willingham that just yells a lot and tries to show everyone that he's a badass, and Tony Dungy is the clone of the clone that ended up mentally challenged and hates gays.

Green Bay 33 St. Louis 14
Rumor has it that the Rams tried some shady business to take Brett Favre out of this week's game. On Saturday night, the Rams found out Favre's hotel room and tried to have Steven Jackson barrel through the wall and take him out, but Favre was tipped off by a note attached to a blanket that was thrown by Matt Leinart from an unknown warehouse somewhere in the US. Sources say the warehouse is located on the Arizona bench and nowhere near any of Leinart's illegitimate kids.

Miami 22 Baltimore 16
The Dolphins finally won a game and Jason Taylor's wife cried like she'd just been donkey punched. No one outside of Florida cared, which means that no one important cared.

New England 20 NY Jets 10
Sure the weather was bad, but the Patriots were a decent Jets quarterback away from losing their first game of the season. Of course, the Jets have been one decent Jets quarterback away from winning a lot of games over the last, I don't know, 30 years or so.

Miami winning ruins my fantasy of the 0-14 toppling the 14-0 team next week, but I think it'll be just as sweet. Mark it down: Miami beats New England next week. Baltimore ALMOST beat the Patriots and ALMOST beat the Dolphins. That means that the Dolphins are just as good as the Patriots. You heard it here first.

New Orleans 31 Arizona 24
In my fantasy league, RoboWarner outscores Carson Palmer from my bench for what seems like the 245th straight week. What is Carson Palmer's problem this year? I'd start Warner this coming week, but I know as soon as I do that, he'll break every bone in his body and Palmer will go off for 7 touchdowns.

Jacksonville 29 Pittsburgh 22
Pittsburgh made a decent comeback in this game, but the power of Jack Del Rio and his impeccable sense of style kept the Jags in front, and the Steelers are now tied with the Browns in their division.

(There's a very juvenile joke in there somewhere involving one or both of the words "Jag" and "Browns" but I'm too lazy to come up with it.)

Tampa Bay 37 Atlanta 3
This was probably the worst week imaginable for the Atlanta Falcons. They lost twice, their coach bailed on them before the season was over, and their franchise quarterback is in jail showering with tons of other guys. Fellow quarterback Jeff Garcia was asked about the Michael Vick situation, to which his only response was "Lucky..."

Carolina 13 Seattle 10
This game was scoreless until the 4th quarter. The NFC is officially worse than anyone ever expected.

Indianapolis 21 Oakland 14
Why won't the Raiders just start JaMarcus Russell already? Could they have not knocked out an agreement with Indy that they would start Russell if Indy gave the nod to Jim Sorgi? These are the reasons the league would be more fun if it was run like a giant Madden game. I had one game once where I started Doug Flutie at QB, RB, WR, LB and kicker in the same game and it was awesome. We should replace all head coaches with 20 year old college students for a season and see what happens.

Philadelphia 10 Dallas 6
You have to admit, that play by Brian Westbrook at the end of the game was incredibly smart. The Eagles inviting Jessica Simpson to the game was smart as well. However, the Curse of Jessica Simpson pales in comparison to the Curse of Alyssa Milano. Brad Penny...Carl Pavano...Barry Zito...apparently whatever pitcher she dates eventually gets overpaid and then underperforms. Maybe that's not such a bad curse after all...

San Diego 51 Detroit 14
Living in San Diego, I am pummeled with the Chargers every Sunday. I can't stand the Chargers. People give me weird looks when I tell them that I have no interest in the Chargers. But those looks aren't nearly as weird as the ones they'll have after I punch the next Charger fan I see in the face.

Washington 22 NY Giants 10
Who cares about Jeremy Shockey's broken leg. Who delivered the hit that completely mangled Eli Manning's face like that? What? That's how it always looks? Bullshit. I don't believe you.

Minnesota 20 Chicago 13
The Good: The Vikings' Adrian Peterson was held under 100 yards. The Bad: The Bears' Adrian Peterson was held under 30 yards. The Ugly? Kyle Orton's facial hair.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (315 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Jamal Lewis, CLE (135 yards, 0 felonies)
RB - Tomlinson/Sproles, SD (238 yards, 4 TD)
WR - Marques Colston, NO (114 yards, 1 TD)






The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

The Bears: How much does this team miss last year?

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #26 The Two Towers

Title: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Year: 2002
Genre: Adventure, Fantasy
Main Actors: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Viggo Mortensen, Ian McKellen
Ranked: Chaim #3, Brant #20

Synopsis
Christ, how do you summarize this movie? I could go all nerdy geek fanboy on you and use all the character names and terminology, thus losing some of you. Plus this is the second installment of the LotR trilogy and pretty much picks up right where the last one left off, so it's tough to describe without giving some backstory. Oh well, here it goes....

Basically the kid from the Good Son (not Macaulay Culkin) and Rudy are hobbits out on a quest to dispose of a ring that holds a powerful force, by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom deep in the evil region of Mordor. Meanwhile a giant eye is after it and has banded with Count Dooku from Phantom Menace to create a giant army of orcs. Meanwhile the guy from Hidalgo, Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean and Sallah from Raiders of the Lost Ark are on their way to the kingdom of Rohan only to find that the king's mind has been taken over by Count Dooku, who is being aided by the doctor from Deadwood. Eventually Magneto shows up and breaks Dooku's control of the king. At this point though, Rohan is in ruins as Dooku's orcs have raided and pillaged the countryside. The king decides to take his people to the fortified keep at Helm's Deep to ward off the oncoming horde. While this is going on, two other hobbits played by Charlie from Lost and the lead singer of Beecake are in the forest talking to large trees in an effort to get them to fight against Dooku and the orcs. Also the Good Son and Rudy come across the creature Gollum who once held the ring in his possession and agrees to lead them to Mordor but also has plans to take the ring back for himself. Also Liv Tyler briefly appears in this installment along with her father V.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
I'm about to commit what some may deem cinematic heresy, but here goes. The Lord of the Rings is the greatest movie trilogy of all time. Yes the original Star Wars trilogy is still great, but the prequels have deeply tainted them. Plus LotR had a much better story and much, much better acting overall.

The effects are breathtaking as well. While there is a fair share of CGI in the Two Towers as well as the other two movies, it's very well done. They used not just CGI but the combination of that with elaborate sets, scale models, the beautiful scenery of the New Zealand countryside and characters with costumes and makeup. The costumes and makeup is a huge deal to me. With so many movies opting to create characters completely by computer and having some actual humans acting entirely on a green screen, it was a real breath of fresh air to see that the orcs were played by actual people wearing makeup and many of the sets were tangible. Much more real looking then any lame ass squidmonkeyfish that George Lucas cooked up on his laptop. You hearing me Lucas? This is how this shit should be done! Michael Bay I'm looking at you as well.

Even when they did do motion capture and whatnot it was pretty phenomenal. The creature Gollum is lifelike at times you forget he's just a computer graphic and think he's an honest to god living person working with the other actors.

Monster Role
This one without a doubt has to be lead singer of Beecake, Billy Boyd. The finest Scottish actor this side of Billy Connolly.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
Such an epic movie would have plenty of KYDD moments, and Two Towers is no exception. But if I had to pick the one single greatest KYDD moment, it had to be when Viggo Mortensen's character had rough, awkward sex on the staircase with Maria Bello.

Watch this movie if you like...
Living in your parents basement, dressing up for renaissance festivals, Cool Ranch Doritos, swords, Ian McKellan's sexual prowess.

50 States/50 Bands: Massachusetts to New Jersey

Suffering from insomnia one night, a vision came to me. It was, of course, not particularly useful. It was a vision of me recommending a musical act from each of the 50 states. More motivated than I have been in years, I sat down and hammered it out. Eons came and went. Civilizations rose and fell. Now I'm ready to share my baby with the world in five easy to digest posts. Naturally, the list reflects my own personal biases, so bring on the arguments. In some cases, there was no band or artist I liked from a particular state, and you can generally tell which ones those are.

Those download recommendations with an * can be heard on TMS Radio - so tune in and have a go.

Massachusetts - Aerosmith - Any street cred these guys had left faded away with that dreadful Armageddon song, but apparently they were a serious and important rock band at one point. I'm just too young to remember that time.

*Download - Love in an Elevator

Michigan - Kid Rock - I’m going to take some shit for this, but bring it on. The guy is good and helped spark the resurgence of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

*Download - You Never Met a Motherfucker Quite Like Me

Minnesota - tie - Bob Dylan and Prince - I can’t make the call. Both have contributed so much in their own way. To date though, Dylan is the only one to be portrayed by Kate Blanchette in a movie and Prince is the only one to have a silhouette penis during the Superbowl.

*Dylan Download - Rainy Day Women
*Prince Download - 7

Mississippi - Bo Diddley - The blues singer beats out Faith Hill and Lance Bass…I’m sure you’re surprised.

Download - Diddley Daddy

Missouri - Chuck Berry - Berry learned everything he ever knew from Michael J. Fox, or so the movies tell us. Without Chuck, there might not have been rock n roll as we know it.

Download - Roll Over Beethoven

Montana - Dan Seals & Marie Osmond - Neither are from Montana, nor ever lived there as far as I can tell, but they put out a song called Meet Me in Montana and there are no other options.

Download - Meet Me in Montana

Nebraska - 311 - Holy shit…311 is from Nebraska. Who knew? White guys doing reggae are apparently very big in Kearney.

Download - Love Song

Nevada - The Killers - I’ve said it before on this blog, but The Killers are one of the best new bands around. Think androgynous alien era Bowie meets U2 before Bono decided to save the world.

*Download - Bling (Confessions of a King)

New Hampshire - University of New Hampshire Marching Band - No one famous or remotely interesting hails from this state. They suck wicked hard. Hats off to the UNH kids who are apparently the only people putting out music up there.

Download - your favorite marching band song

New Jersey - My Chemical Romance - MCR: Brining legitimacy to emo one song at a time. If you lived in New Jersey, you’d probably dye your hair black and sing about death too. Music snobs everywhere cancelled their subscriptions to Blender after they named The Black Parade the best CD of 2006.

*Download - Famous Last Words

The (Im)Perfect Season is Over

Congratulations to the Miami Dolphins for finally ending their streak of futility. Cleo Lemon found Greg Camarillo (isn't he a punter?) for the game-winning TD in overtime to give the Dolphins the win.

But wait, there's more. This loss marks number 10 this season for the Ravens and thus has fulfilled the Governor's prophecy he made back in Week 5, when they were 3-2.

Also, this loss obvious snaps the Dolphins losing streak which was the longest one currently going in the NFL. So who has the longest current losing streak now? Why that would be Brian Billick and his Baltimore Ravens with 8 in a row.

It's getting hard out there for a genius....

Busey the Elf

Caution, you most certainly will be dumber for having looked at THIS.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

A Thunder Matt Movie Minute

Juno

Release Date: Friday, December 14

The first (il)legitimate comedy all year NOT to have to use Judd Apatow's name in the advertising.

A year from now pundits will decry stories about unplanned pregnancies as 'soooo 2007'. First 'Knocked Up' and now 'Juno'. Being a bastard has never been so trendy.

'Juno' is a bit of bastard itself, and I mean that in the best possible way. Like that unwanted baby that you found at the bottom of your clothes hamper, 'Juno' is annoying and burdensome at first, but quickly wins you over and forces you to rethink your impending vasectomy.

The story revolves around the title character, Juno MacGuff (Ellen Page), a teenager who is accidentally sperminated by, of all people, Michael Cera. Whoops. She makes hasty plans for an abortion, but then decides to (pun alert!) 'abort' that idea, instead deciding to go ahead and have the baby. She finds a wholesome yet appropriately hip couple (Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman) in the Pennysaver Ad and decides that they will be the proud owners of her little pants-pooping bundle of joy. Ah, if it were only that easy.

For the first 15 minutes, 'Juno' simply tries too hard. It's cloying and overtly quirky just for the sake of being quirky. Look, a 'hamburger phone'! Look, she's gnawing on an unlit pipe! Instead of saying 'oh my God', one character exclaims (via phone conversation on said hamburger phone) 'oh my blog'. (Pulling on collar) Is this thing on?

But then a funny thing happens on the way to the delivery room, both literally and figuratively. Juno is stuck with the unpleasant task of confronting her parents and telling them about her little mistake. From that point on 'Juno' does a 180 and becomes one of the most charming and funny movies of the year*. The story becomes the focus and the characters gain more depth and you genuinely start to care about them, which is really what you ask for in a movie like this. Juno herself is sarcastic and tries to play it cool, but you see that underneath she is scared and vulnerable. The performance by Ellen Page is award-worthy.

Equally good is the supporting cast. Juno's parents, played by JK Simmons and Allison Janey, are anything but the stereotypical movie parents. Both of them are supportive and loving and also get some of the funniest lines of the film. Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner are equally superb as the adoptive parents. She was born to be a mother. He's unsure if he's ready. Their performances are both funny and painfully real.

'Juno' will be the big indie hit of the year, a la 'Little Miss Sunshine'. Some people will probably hate it for that. These people also enjoy French cinema and have a reserved aisle seat in hell. 'Juno' is smart and charming. If I have a daughter, I want her to grow up to be like Juno. Minus the whole getting knocked up as a teenager part.

*Guys, this is that one movie that you can finally take the girlfriend/wife/spouse/whore to that she will enjoy and that you don't have to feel really gay about.

Thunder Matt Rating: 4 Children Out of 5 Tries

Overrated: The Mitchell Report

We should have known better. This whole thing had all the makings of a cocktease of epic proportions.

We should have known last night when news broke that there were going to be former "All-Stars and MVP's" named. Well duh...we already knew that. Hell, the inclusion of Ken Caminiti by himself covers those bases.

Sure, some good will come of this. There's a whole bunch of pages (that I skipped) in the report that talk about what baseball should do about the problem and steps they could take to help. But let's be serious here...we all came for the names. Frankly, I liked the list of fake names that was going around this morning.

Of course, the list in the Mitchell report is probably the tip of the iceberg. The majority of the players named today were the ones dumb enough to leave a trail, whether it's handwritten love-notes to the person buying for you (Paul LoDuca) or having their steroids shipped directly to the stadium (Jose "Oops" Guillen). Of course the big names are Clemens, Pettitte and Tejada, but we knew about those guys months ago when Jason Grimsley got busted.

The only joy I am getting out of this report is knowing that the Yankees have had a history of steroid users stretching from their glory days of the late 90's till now. Point and laugh at Chuck Knoblauch, Mike Stanton, Jason Giambi, Denny Neagle, Kevin Brown, Roger Clemens, and Andy Pettitte.

I don't know why I got my hopes up so much. I should have known that no huge names were going to get nabbed for 2 reasons:

1. Any halfway intelligent player would not get caught by this investigation because they would have someone they know call some guy they know who has a brother that met some dude that is best friends with a guy that could order the steroids for him. Why would you write a personal check for steroids? Why wouldn't you just use straight cash, homey?

2. The superstars of the game can afford HGH and unless they bought it from BALCO or some other place that's been busted by the Feds, they are still at large since there is no test for HGH in baseball right now.

First the Santana circlejerk and now this...

Overrated: This Offseason.

Read the report of you want. I'm sure there's other cool stuff in there. But when the most entertaining thing in there is finding out that Denny Neagle uses checks with little girly flowers on them, you know there was too much hype.

War Hero: Japan

Well, we've come a long way since December 7, 1941, haven't we? Internment camps, nuclear bombs, and poor recollections from Clint Eastwood aside, we found out after the war that these "Japs" as Harry might call them weren't so bad after all. Just a little off. When the dust and body parts settled, we naturally occupied their country, which has become status quo. The U.S. then installed a democratic regime, assisted in rebuilding the Japanese economy, and voila! New Japan.

The Japanese are a proud culture, where custom and tradition are held in steep regard. Thus, the Japanese are grateful for our help in restructuring their country in the wake of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. At the same time, they are consciously looking to subvert American culture on our home turf. What do we have to say about this blatant cultural assault? Thank you! Thank you very much, Japanese friends! We very much appreciate your efforts (while bowing down and acting submissive). Here is what the Japanese have offered back to our fair country:

• Baseball. No other country shares our love of baseball like the Japanese. Their players have begun to infiltrate the MLB, but we're turning the other cheek on this one. Any league that incorporates Ichiro is fine by us. Plus now the Cub fans have #1 Slugger Kosuke Fukudome, and Hideki Matsui was kind enough to share his massive collection of pornography with the United States.
• Speaking of porn, they gave us Bukkake. Enough said.
• The Karate Kid II. OK, certainly it doesn't hold up to the original. But it perpetuated the myth of Mr. Miyagi and gave Pat Morita something to do. Seriously though, the Karate Kid franchise? Perhaps that's best saved for an Overrated posting. The movies are classic, and fine by themselves, but it seems that when people want to discuss classic '80s pop culture, they always start off with the Karate Kid as if they're breaking some new ground. Yes, Daniel San had a hell of a summer that year, beating the Kobra Kai in the All-Valley Tournament, going to Japan and fighting to his death, and his trials and tribulations that we prefer not to refer to in the third installment of the franchise. Yes, he dated three different girls over the span of that summer. Yes, he introduced Mr. Miyagi to girls as his "best friend". Of course there was sexual tension between the sage veteran of the arts and his nubile apprentice. Get over it Bill Simmons and Dave Damashek. It's a tired subject. Joe Esposito sang the theme song? What, that was his only hit? You're kidding me. I'll say it. Fuck the Karate Kid.
• Sushi. I don't like sushi necessarily. I'll continue to keep trying it in social circles, but it's nothing I'll seek out on my own accord. Raw fish? Eh. Whatever. Rice is good, but I'm not going to suggest we go find a sushi place in order to sound cultured or high and mighty. I'll take my fish baked, thank you.
• Hot chicks. They have some, contrary to popular belief. I can't name any, but I've seen them here and there. One of them was in Sin City. I can't recall her name, but generally they are small of stature and cute. Look 'em up.
• Dark movies. I can't say I've seen one, but the Governor tells me the Japs make a mean horror movie. I think all of the U.S. horror movies of late were remakes of popular Japanese flicks. I'd believe this. We like to steal things from other people, be it movies, oil, or African children.
• Chinese food. This stuff is great. I particularly enjoy lemon chicken and Mongolian beef.
• Whaling. Really, it's about time someone stood up for the whalers of the world. Talk about a bum rap. Scientific studies have shown that for every 100 whales that are killed, the sea level lowers by three inches. Take that Al Gore, and your Holy War against Mother Nature and coal. Killing whales offsets the melting of the Arctic ice caps. Who really loses out in this debate? The whales? They're fucking animals!
• Asahi and Kirin. Both are a quality beverage, but I can't necessarily agree with them at a Teppan restaurant. Have you ever been to one of those? Christ, me and the wife go with a group of six other people. Sure we're having a gay old time, and the cook makes a vagina out of rice, but then we get the bill and we each owe sixty bucks? What the fuck? Seriously, have some modesty in the prices of your food. It's not that elegant of an establishment if you're cooking the food in front of me.
• The movie Rising Sun. Probably the defining role in the career of Wesley Snipes, plus Sean Connery at his post-Bond best. It also had Japanese guys in it, and Harvey Keitel. Hard to go wrong with that one.
• Finally, the Japanese gave us karaoke. At least, I think they did. It could have been the Koreans for all I know. It doesn't matter, Japan will get a pass on this one.

So there you have it. Japan? Not so bad after all. Don't tell that to grandpa though. He still puts them right alongside "the coloreds" on his shitlist.

Breaking News: America Is Stupid. Also, The Sky Is Blue

Did you graduate from 2nd grade? Can you tell the difference between letters and numbers? Can you read the words that are in front of you right now? Seems easy, right?

Not for everyone.

Yes, it is hard to imagine that there are people out there that don't know when it's right to use letters or numbers, but they are out there, huddled in the darkest corner of their parents' basement jacked up on Mountain Dew Game Fuel searching for the latest hackz for Halo 3.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you're about to enter the world of l33t speak.

What the crap is that? I'm glad you asked.

"(Internet) Gamers commonly substitute numbers and symbols for the letters they resemble, creating what they call "l33t speak" — that's "leet" when spoken, short for "elite" to the rest of the world."

So basically, there's a subculture of internet gamers that are so lazy and outcast that they decided to make their own language up where they stick numbers into the middle of words where they don't belong?

Look, I'm all for people being able to do their own little dorky thing as long as it doesn't come into my life unexpectedly. But guess what? That's exactly what happened. According to a story that came out this morning, Merriam-Webster's Word Of '07 is "w00t", a commonly used l33t word.

No, not "woot". It's "w00t" numbnuts. Get it right. Apparently if you spell it wrong, you're opening yourself up to some major pwnage.

Apparently, there was an online poll on the Merriam-Webster website to decide the word of 2007. Let me say that again...there was an ONLINE POLL to decide the word of 2007. Online poll? Was there any doubt that w00t would win? Who else has the time or lack of social life to vote on the official website of a dictionary for the word of the year? People who use the word w00t, that's who!

This is all a continuation of a recent pattern of old people that decide stuff to seem more young and hip than they really are. When TIME magazine named "You" the person of the year last year, that was the start of it. I would have been fine with it if it had stopped there, but it didn't. Soon, the iPhone was named the invention of the year, Brittany Spears' new album got good reviews, The Departed won Best Picture, etc. It's just old farts trying to show that they are young and cool and showing that they are hip to Generation Y. This would have worked a few years ago, but now it seems like too little, too late.

Other '07 words that were contenders were quixotic, hypocrite and conundrum. My personal favorite was "blamestorm" which is a meeting in which mistakes are aired, fingers are pointed and much discomfort is had by all.

The timing would have been perfect, because after losing out on Miguel Cabrera and Fukudome to a division rival and a crosstown enemy respectively, I'm sure there's quite a few blamestorms going on in Kenny Williams' office right about now.

Early favorite on the Word Of 2008? Fukkake. Spread the word.

"OMG!!11! L33T CEREAL IS TEH SHZT!!1!!LOLZ!!!1!"

You Make the Call

Jim Hendry...................................or..........................Jim Hendry

Welcome to the Fukudome!

It's official, Kosuke Fukudome will be wearing Cubby blue for the next 4 years to the tune of $50 million. This is the guy Peter Gammons described as "a cross between Ichiro and a young healthy Mark Kotsay." Ok, I have to admit I don't really know what that means but our lineup is going to look an awful lot better with his left-handed bat in it next year. Chances are he'll probably bat between Ramirez and probably Thunder Matt or DeRosa. One GM said he should hit about .300 with 15-20 hrs and nab 30 steals. Plus he's supposed to be a great outfielder. Having Soriano's cannon in left with his in right is going to make Wrigley field seem like my backyard. We'd better take advantage of it now since after his contract he immediately becomes an unrestricted free agent.

Finally, what's the over/under on times Santo says the word Fuck accidently while introducing this guy? Could we possibly be in store for the greatest season of Cubs baseball on WGN radio ever? Will the cough button make it through April?

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 14

My desire to write a Hangover better than last week's is the only thing keeping me going. Let's see how I do.

Washington 24
Chicago 16
What did I miss? Jason Campbell got jacked up, Rex Grossman got jacked up and the Bears lost yet again.

Enter the Neckbeard for Week 15. I'm stocking up on Jack Daniels already.

Cincinnati 19
St. Louis 10
Holy shit, Brock Berlin is gainfully employed in the NFL? At this point I see Carson Palmer somehow dropping to like the 8th or 9th ranked QB in next year's preseason fantasy rankings, then blowing up. Also a "welcome back" goes out to Rudi Johnson who ran for 92 yards and a touchdown. Where the hell have you been all season asshole?

Dallas 28
Detroit 27
Detroit wins this week's "Haha Look at You!" Award for blowing the game against Dallas. Yep, I'm pretty sure Jesus hates the Lions. That's 5 losses in a row for Detroit now, as they find themselves on the wrong side of the playoff fence.

Green Bay 38
Oakland 7
Is anyone supposed to be intimidated with an offense that features Josh McCown and Huggy Bear Fargas? The Packers certainly weren't as they rolled to victory. The jury was still out for me on Green Bay earlier in the season, but with Ryan Grant establishing himself as a viable option in the running game, and with the Bears out of the running, I'm putting my suppoert behind the Pack. (Dodge flying beer bottles) What?! Screw you assholes, who else in the NFC should I cheer for, the Cowboys?

Buffalo 38
Miami 17
7-6 or not, beating the piss out of a Miami team that has for all intents and purposes given up doesn't make you a good team. What do you think is greater, the number of catchers the Cubs used this past season or the number of RB's the Dolphins have used? Answer: It's a tie at 7.

Houston 28
Tampa Bay 14
With Ahman Green out of the picture, the Great Daynes certainly had something to cheer about this week.....but not for long. Dayne eventually got hurt, which made way for Hootie and the Blowfish frontman, Darius Walker.

"Haha Look at You!" Award runner-up to the Houston front office for essentially throwing away draft picks for the ineffective Matt Schaub when they had the perfectly capable Sage Rosenfels already on the payroll.

San Diego 23
Tennessee 17
The Chargers win again and pretty much punch their ticket into the playoffs. Speaking of playoffs, the TMS Tecmo Simulator 2000 is already being calibrated for the upcoming playoffs. I'm going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out how to program inevitable bad coaching from Norv Turner.

Jacksonville 37
Carolina 6
I think I've said it before but I'll mention it again. Carolina Panthers, not very good. Christ, how far they've fallen without the incredibly overrated Jake Delhomme at QB.

How about the Jags by the way? Solid defense, David Garrard has turned into a pretty good QB, and Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew provides them with two great running options. At this point I'm pretty much putting my support behind any playoff-bound teams that aren't from New England, Indy, San Diego, Dallas, or Seattle. Packers-Jags in the Super Bowl!

New York Giants 16
Philadelphia 13
Hey Donovan McNabb is back. Obvious Philly can get back to winning again.....oh wait.

God damn Giants. They're 9-4 and yet I'm wholly unimpressed by this team, and that's without my hatred of Mongoloid Manning clouding my judgment. My prediction: Giants get bounced in the first round by Minnesota.

Seattle 42
Arizona 21
There's only so much the Sultan of Stubble can do in this post-9/11 society.

Minnesota 27
San Francisco 7
Adrian Peterson, 14 carries, 3 yards. Thankfully San Francisco is the worst team in the league, and I am counting Miami when I say that. I'm sure Frank Gore is happy that his best years are being utterly wasted in a Niners uniform.

New England 34
Pittsburgh 13
New England ran 8 run plays all game. EIGHT! You know what they're going to do and it still doesn't matter. I think it's clear that Belichick has sold his soul (and his wardrobe) to Satan. Don't you worry Billy Boy, as this article from Cubby-Blue points out, you'll get your's in due time.

Denver 41
Kansas City 7
If only Denver could have played 16 home games against the Chiefs, then maybe my pick for them to win the Super Bowl wouldn't have seemed so ridiculous. Oh well, it's still not as bad as my atrocious 4th prediction for the Red Sox last season. In other news, there have been multiple confirmations that Brandon Marshall can in fact catch a football.

Indianapolis 44
Baltimore 20
You know 37-7 would have been a suitable final score for a blowout game. In this case that was the score at halftime. Holy crap, did you see the stands in the middle of the second quarter? It was like a ghost town. Can you blame them though? Who would want to watch Kyle Boller take a shit in the rain for 3 hours?

Cleveland 24
New York Jets 18
You gotta be happy for Cleveland. After years of being the doormat in the AFC they finally appear to be playoff-bound. I guess they should enjoy it now, since next year they'll take a huge step back when Derek Anderson is playing for someone else and Brady Quinn is struggling mightily behind center.

New Orelans 34
Atlanta 14
Chris freaking Redman started at QB. Last time Redman started a game in the NFL, the DC snipers were still at large and the Bush Administration was just in the process of duping everyone into thinking we should go to Iraq.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

Road Salt - God bless you in all your ice melting glory

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

People overreacting to an ice storm - Holy shit, we live in the Midwest people! We have the capable means to mitigate such winter storms. There is no need to ransack the local Hy-Vee in case you get stuck in your home for 18 hours.