The Gist: Who Wants to Sex Soriano?

The New Cold War continued in Wrigley Field on Wednesday night, as the Communists and Cubs closed out another epic series. The Cubs were tied again with Milwaukee heading into the day.

Alfonso Soriano does what we hope to see a few times in October, hitting a leadoff homerun in the first inning. Adam Dunn, the Khrushchev to Soriano's Kennedy, pulls a homer in the fourth inning. The Reds have a 2-1 lead going into the bottom of the fifth, when super-dreamy Geovany Soto jacks a solo shot of his own.

In the top of the eighth, comrade Norris Hopper tries to score on the gun of Soriano. Oh no he di' n't! Soriano throws him out at the plate by a good 12 feet (four meters to them).

In the bottom of the inning, Theriot hits a single to Griffey in right, but has no intention of stopping at first base. Griffey realizes he is not the man he used to be, bobbles the ball, and Theriot is on second. Lee comes up and lines a base knock to Griffey again. As he pulls up to throw the ball in and prevent Theriot from scoring, he pulls up lame. Did anyone else just hear glass break? Theriot is held at third as Griffey writhes in pain. He's on the ground for a solid three minutes, allowing another Reds reliever to get warmed up in the 'pen. A groin pull? Bah. Griffey was just being selfish. It's a good thing that every time Griffey has a season-ending injury an angel gets its wings.

This brings Thunder Matt to the plate, pinch-hitting for Floyd. He slaps a looper to left field! Dunn traps the ball (or makes the catch, depending on who you're rooting for), and The Riot scores! The funny thing is how upset the Reds were since had they called it a catch there would have been a man at second after the run scored but since Lee had to hold up he was easily thrown out and Matt was left standing on first. Howry worked the final two innings and nailed down another Cubs victory!

Unfortunately, as of press time, the Brewers and Astros are tied at four runs apiece in the tenth.

Update: Backe pinch ran after Palmeiro walked, Berkman singled to left, and Pence doubled to drive in the winning run in the 10th. Houston won and the Cubs lead the central by a game once again!

Astros Tanking It? Relax.

There has been much discussion lately of the Astros pitching staff, specifically the absence of some regular starters. No Oswalt, no Woody Williams, just some scrub rookies. As a Cub fan, it was a tough pill to swallow. Why now? Why does it have to happen right as we're the middle of a pennant race? What in the heck did we ever do to the Astros to make them lay down for Milwaukee? I wanted answers and I wanted to drink the blood of Larry Dierker, er, Phil Garner, um, you know, whoever their manager is. Jimy Williams??

Then I started to look at things rationally. Can you really blame Oswalt for wanting to be with his labor-induced wife? And are people actually getting stirred up over Woody F-ing Williams voluntarily going to the bullpen? Christ, we should be so lucky. There's probably not too many opposing hitters who are fearing an 8-15 pitcher with an ERA over 5.00. I must have missed the memo that said he was on par with Johan Santana. (The one I got said Ruben Quevedo) Let's face it, we've been pretty damn lucky down the stretch in a lot of ways. We never had to face Oswalt in the last two series we played against them, we only had to face Aaron Harang for one inning in the series before last against the Reds, no Webb against the Diamondbacks, etc.

Okay, just a little bit more. Anyone care to remember how many times we've been in the Astros position at this point in the season? No hope of playoffs, morale is down, the Pirates are jockeying with you for last place, the fans are frustrated, yet we still turn on the TV to see a Jason Bere or Ismael Valdez toeing the rubber? I can remember thinking to myself, "If we're gonna get the snot kicked out of us, let's at least see what we have in the Farm System!" That's what MLB teams do when they're terrible. It's why they have expanded rosters at the end of the year.

The point is, we should only be worrying about ourselves at this point. It's not gonna do any good to be wasting time worrying about stuff like this. Heck, even the Astros President called Hendry to explain their actions. I'm not quite sure why that was necessary, but I suppose that would qualify as being "classy". Let's hope for the best, and when it happens, we can know that we earned it. And even if you say that the Brewers are getting off easy, they still have to face Smoltz, Hudson, and probably Peavy and Maddux.

Reason #243,296 Why ESPN Sucks

They're blacking out the Cubs game here. Are you freakin' kidding me? I live in the God damn Quad Cities! We're not even close to getting WCIU's broadcast! This is horse shit!

Go to hell ESPN.

A Mile High Minute: Week 2

To quote myself: "Well, that was ugly. A win is a win though, and especially in the AFC you have to win these BS games."

If not for Shanahan's Jedi mind trick in OT, they would have lost to the Raiders...blech. They probably deserved to lose, but losses to Oakland won't be tolerated. With the loss, Oakland starts their third straight winless year versus the AFC West.

Cutler looked bad in the 2nd half, which has to be cause for worry for Broncos fans everywhere. About the only thing I can say is at least he took that safety rather than throwing it away and potentially having a pick returned for a TD.

In OT, Denver got the ball first and promptly did nothing. Oakland then went downfield into Janikowski's field goal range, and shit, they've won... Wait, did I hear a whistle? Yes I did! Shanahan calmly and cooly called a time out just before the kick. Oakland has to kick again, and lets be honest, everyone in the stadium knows that fat sack of pork rinds and beer isn't going to hit two clutch kicks in a row. Denver gets the ball back, and finally show life, moving down the field for Elam to win on a chip shot.

Phew! Christ though, it never should have come to this. I've lowered my expectations now and only ask the Broncos to play a complete game one of these weeks. On the plus side, with the Chargers loss, they're in first for the moment.

Thoughts from Around the League

Houston - If Shanahan is Obi Wan, I guess that makes Gary Kubiak Anakin Skywalker by default. He's doing well now, but remember what happens to him. If Kubiak gets his arm and legs sliced off on a volcanic planet, I'm going into the psychic business. Call me now for your free reading!

Cleveland - Watch them get shut out this week.

New York Giants - 45 points to Tony Homo, now 35 to a guy in a walker. Unfortunately they don't play Cincinnati or we could see a 70-63 game.

Atlanta Falcons - The Joey Harrington experiment seems to be coming to a close. Long live Byron Leftwich! They've also signed 47 year old Morten Andersen. Morten is literally older than my mom.

Tennessee - The Titans are on the brink of actually being good. Get another year under Young's belt and they win that game. A memo to the rest of the NFL - look how a coach can turn a team around if you just let him do his job. You don't need to automatically fire a guy after a bad year or two.

and now for something completely different...

A View of Wrigley in 1938

Milling around the Illinois Natural Resources Geospatial Data Clearinghouse, I came across old aerial orthophotography from 1938. Here's a snippet of a photo that was shot on 11/24/38. It's kind of cool to look at.

• Since it's November you can see that the stadium was set up for football at the time (the Bears played at Wrigley from 1921 to 1970).

• This photo was also taken just a year after the bleachers were rebuilt. Before 1937 Wrigley had wooden bleachers. The new outfield wall of the concrete bleachers would be adorned with the famous ivy we know now.

• You can also see that the bleachers extended through the area which is now the "batter's eye". Those sections of the stands were open to spectators until around the late 1940's when they were then closed off.

• The railroad running adjacent to the stadium appears to still be intact. The rail right-of-way is now used as the player's parking lot.

Look at that. I think that's the first time the Saloon has ever been educational.

I WANT ACTION!!!

I knew it was coming, and I couldn’t wait.

Every reality dating show has it; the episode where the contestant’s parents are brought in so the person looking for love on the show can meet the folks and use that in his final decision. On “classy” shows like The Bachelor, said bachelor and each contestant are flown out to the contestant’s hometown to spend a few days with the family. But seeing how Rock of Love is on VH1, they decided it would be much cheaper (and volatile) to just fly in all 3 sets of parents at once.

Let the games begin.

The first set of parents that showed up were Heather’s. I was disappointed because her parents seemed really cool and Bret liked them, and I hate Heather. I did not want her parents to be cool. I wanted her parents to be overbearing. Damn.

Then Jes’ parents showed up. Jes was the only one of the girls that seemed legitimately excited to see her folks. Her parents were awesome too, and Bret liked them. Score one for Jes (I am completely pro-Jes and have been since I was able to start watching the show again).

RANDOM NOTE #1: Jes said that she and her parents have a “very open relationship”. Does this mean that she’s able to see other parents and that they are free to mess around with other daughters?

All of that was nothing. I mean, sure it was nice to see Jes and Heather’s parents just to see what kind of people they are, but everyone who is a fan of this show was waiting to meet Lacey’s parents. I could see it a mile away…her parents would show up, and she would be all innocent like she hadn’t been getting fall-down drunk and performing acts of unspeakable fellatio since she’d been in the house.

And I was right. Her dad was a very uptight dude, and he acted like Lacey was his “little angel” that never did anything wrong. It’s during episodes like this where you notice people like Lacey just realized for the first time ever “Oh shit…my parents are going to be able to watch this entire thing in 5 months when it’s on TV.” Good times.

RANDOM NOTE #2: Lacey said in the last episode that her mother died “recently” and that’s why she acts the way she does sometimes. And yet, 2 days later when her dad shows up, he’s got a wife (who looks about Lacey’s age I might add). So did he get over the loss of his wife in all of 3 weeks and move on already? Now maybe her parents split up a while back and her dad got re-married years ago, but that’s not nearly as entertaining in my head.

RANDOM NOTE #3: Lacey mentions that she’s “definitely a ‘daddy’s girl’. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but if your mother passed away, don’t you kind of have to be? I’m just sayin’…

Bret takes Heather and her parents to the Saddle Ranch on Sunset and they drink and ride the mechanical bull. Then he meets Jes’ parents at a rock clothing shop and they all have fun. If it seems like I’m skipping over all of this, it’s because I am. Nothing good happened during these parts. Heather’s dad talked about farting I think. That’s about all I remember.

The main event was dinner with Lacey’s parents. From day 1, Lacey has been playing the “I’m so much like Bret because I’m a starving artist” card. Bret learns in the first 10 minutes of lunch that Lacey actually has a lot of money. Apparently she has no real “job” and lives off of her investments in the stock market. It seems like Lacey’s father is also very wealthy himself, and says that if Bret ever marries his daughter, there’s going to be a pre-nup involved.

What?

Now look, Lacey’s dad may be really wealthy. He may have $10 to every $1 that Bret has. But the last time I checked, Bret Michaels sings for a little band named Poison who, while sort of a joke these days, were one of the last truly popular hair metal bands in the late 80’s. Bret isn’t interested in money…he’s only interested in sex! Duh!

Even though Lacey’s dad acted like a total condescending prick the whole time, he was directly responsible for dropping the biggest question in reality television history. It is a question that scholars have been asking for many years. The ancient Egyptians prayed to many gods for years for an answer.

Lacey’s Dad: “Bret, do you have any hair under that cowboy hat and bandanna?”
Bret: “Ummm…”

YES! FINALLY! Throughout the show, Bret has never been seen without either a bandanna, cowboy hat, or both. We’ve been wondering for MONTHS whether he has no hair or has the fashion sense of Vanessa Williams. Bret cleverly dodged the question, but at least I know I’m not the only one wondering. Rumor has it that the only ones who know the true answer are The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

The next morning, they show Bret working the punching bag. He claims that he had to work some of his aggression out. Suuuure…because everyone works out in jeans and sunglasses, right? Things turn from bad to worse when Lacey starts talking smack about Heather while Heather is within earshot. This leads to a blowup of epic proportions, where Heather drops the bombshell in front of Lacey’s parents: She saw Lacey…doing something…to Bret. You know…it involves her mouth…and Bret’s…”Southern Gentleman”.

RANDOM NOTE #4: Heather says that Lacey is the only one that did any “sex stuff” with Bret. And yet, Bret hooked up with 3 girls just in last week’s episode. Denial is a powerful thing.

So this pisses off Lacey’s dad (never mind the fact that it actually happened). So Lacey’s dad confronts Bret at the punching bag outside and drops the greatest line in the history of television:

“Sorry to bother you, big boy. I need to speak to you about who’s c*ck my daughter’s been sucking.”

Wow. Just…wow. Television history.

First of all, if you just found out that your daughter orally hooked up with someone who’s had his own sex tape with Pamela Anderson released, would you really want to call him “big boy”? Second of all, from a page right out of the “My Daughter Is A Tramp Damage Control” handbook, he says something along the lines of “My daughter’s sex life is no one’s business but hers.” Really…because it sounds like you’re making it your business. But whatever. I guess people from Texas are allowed to be hypocrites.

You may be asking yourself “Where’s Jes during all of this?” She’s smartly standing on the sidelines just watching the train wreck. Even her parents have enough sense to stay out of this crap. Smart play by Jes.

Elimination night comes around, and predictably, Lacey is sent packing. Then Jes and Heather are sent packing…packing their bags that is (HA)! It turns out that Bret, Jes and Heather are going to Mexico for the finale this Sunday!

I’d love to see Jes win, if only because Heather idiotically got Bret’s name tattooed to her neck already.

I’ll be back next week with a running diary of the final episode. And if you’re lucky enough (or if I’m bored), I may just recap the finale of The Pick-Up Artist too. But if that’s going to happen, I’m going to need some PBR to get me through it.

"I am not a problem solver. It is not my forte." - The Immortal Bret Michaels

Dodgers at Cubs, Thursday 09/06

Continuing our series of overlong, self-indulgent and not the least bit timely game recaps, here is one from the September 6th Cubs game vs. the Dodgers. It was a bit of a mini TMS meet up, with Chip, Dave Thomas and Chaim all along for the ride (and Mark, a co-worker of Chip). Just consider this insanely long piece three posts for the price of one!

DODGERS vs. CUBS, September 6th, 2007

Chip: Christ, like every Cubs game I go to these days, it all starts at the buttcrack of dawn with me leaving town around 6 am. Coming with me as usual is my friend from work Mark. The wife bakes us some kickass turnover deals stuffed with ham and cheese, and with that and a large cup of coffee, we embark down a virtually deserted I-88 to Chicago. Mark was able to snag his sister's I-Pass so we could buzz through all the tolls with ease. (A quick aside. I love how the I-88 tollway is called the Ronald Reagan Memorial Tollway. Is that because the drive is so agonizingly boring that one has a tendency to forget who they are after a while on it?)

BERNIE'S

Chip: After meeting up with Chaim, we take the bus up Ashland to Addison and walk a few blocks to Wrigleyville. We plan on meeting Dave at Bernie's. Never having actually seen him before we're relying on spotting him based on his detailed description of "I'll be wearing a red shirt and a Cubs hat." Not a whole lot of people at Bernie's when we arrive so we snag some stools right at the bar and commence to tie one on. Ahhh, that's the best $4.75 can of Old Style I've ever had.

Eventually Dave shows up and we converse as he shows off his iPhone. Just before we leave for Wrigley we notice the insane amount of people that are now pouring in, obviously having just gotten off one of the tour buses, thus making the majority of patrons at Bernie's Iowans.

Dave Thomas: I walk into Bernie's looking for anything that says Thunder Matt and just as the bartender brings me my first Old Style I see the guys at the bar. After some casual banter about how it may or may not rain on us in the next few hours and a few drinks, we head over to the park.

Chaim: Looks like Chip did the heavy lifting for this post, so I will just throw in the occasional snarky aside. Bernie's. Good bar but lots of old guys that wear Hawaiian shirts and have really red faces. And really white hair. Think Santa Claus if he retired, shaved his beard and moved to Arizona. It's like an AARP convention every time.

BLEACHERS

Chip: This was my first time in the "Bud Light Bleachers". New seats, new concourse, same shitty urinal troughs. Some things never change. Someone forgot to give us the memo on where the Old Style is sold now. The old beerstands in the middle of the ramps have been replaced with ATM's. The Old Style vendor is now tucked away in the side concession stand under the scoreboard bleachers. We snagged some seats in left field. The only Thunder Matt sighting comes during BP when he's spotted talking to Juan Pierre in the outfield.The wide array of various Cubs hats seen was reaching new heights on the unintentional comedy scale. My personal favorites were the pink Cubs hat (on a dude), some old guy wearing a Cubs batting helmet (taking Glenallen Hill's advice a little too serious I see), a hunter's orange camouflage hat, and a tree bark camouflage hat. While I didn't see it, apparently a chick and some dude got into a fight one section over from us, which ended with the dude shoving the chick backwards down the bleachers. Classy. While I have no real evidence, I'm just gonna say they were wearing White Sox gear. 3:00 rolls around and I realize I haven't eaten anything since the breakfast my wife made me early that morning. "Hmmm, maybe I should grab a bite to ea- hey another Old Style! Thanks man."

Oh yeah, the game. Pretty good up until Ryan Dempster ruined it. I have not attended a Cubs game where the actually won since 2001. I blame the time in 2003 that we opted to scalp our tickets and watch the game over at Bernie's instead since we had bleacher seats the following day. Cubs beat the Cards that game and the next day we get rained out in the infamous Hurricane Buechele* game. Since then I haven't seen them win. The lesson kids, is don't ever be a Cubs fan, because after a while you come up with weird conspiracies and retarded curses and superstitions as to why these clowns always lose.

Dave Thomas: I hadn't been in the bleachers since the renovation but they looked just about the same. More ATMs and micro brews have replaced the Bud Light and Old Style vendors. It took me an entire lap to find that they only sell Old Style in the main concessions counter under the scoreboard.

The bleachers are always a colorful crowd but this time I mean it literally. Between the guy to our right wearing a pink Cubs hat and the guy to our left wearing the orange and brown camo Cubs hat who wanted to make it painfully clear to everyone within earshot that he owned a salon, everyone was represented. There was a bit of a fight where a guy "tossed a girl down a few rows" but I can't confirm this since I was always the one sitting and holding the basketball during team pictures.

Chip started off the 8th inning by proclaiming the first song we should play on the jukebox at the Gingerman should be 'Baba O'Riley'. I think it's fair to place the blame for the impending Dempster collapse square on his shoulders. It should be noted that this declaration was fueled with the fine fresh taste of Old Style. At least it didn't rain.

Chaim: Remember how at the Media Social, Thunder lost his train of thought when he thought he saw Juan Pierre? Well no, you probably don't remember, but point being Thunder and Juan Pierre are besties.

First time I've been in the bleachers this year. With all that remodeling they did I wish they would have added seat backs. I'm getting old and need these creature comforts. I suppose one could argue that is part of the 'charm' of the bleachers but I would counter by making that person give me a backrub to work out all of the kinks.

Cubs lose as Dempster blows it. I place the blame on Chip's diabetes. We've got a good base of liquor in our systems and dangerously little food to counterbalance it.

GINGERMAN

Chip: "Hey, I really should probably think about eating something finally- Hey pitchers of PBR! Sweet!" I take it easy on pumping money in the jukebox as the dude before me appears to have paid for an entire box set worth of music. I plant some Thunder Matt's Saloon cards around the bar as part of my lame ass 'guerrilla marketing' campaign. All in all I probably just annoyed the barkeep who had to sweep them all off the floor at the end of the night. At one point Chaim and I began to clap loudly along to one of the songs playing, which somehow spurred on others to do so as well. I've always been a good loud clapper. Strangely this impresses no one. Mark being the oldest of the bunch begins to wear down, and starts refusing beer refills, telling us he needs to slow down. We acknowledge his wishes, but then continue to fill his glass while he's not looking or when he's in the can. With the will power of John Daly at a no stakes poker table, Mark continues to drink.

Dave Thomas: I knew I had been to this place before. Sure enough all the drunken memories flooded back to me along with a few pitchers of PBR while we watched people scatter like fire ants as the skies opened up moments after we sat down. We listened to some music and waited out the downpour and then it was off to Merkle's.

Chaim: My life is spiraling out of control already. PBR is flowing like some of the mullets in this place. Jake and I clap loudly to some random song on the jukebox. No one seems to notice or care. $12 seems like a criminal price to charge for a pitcher of PBR, but given the prices in Wrigleyville, I suppose...none-the-less I consider calling the police to report this crime but after another $12 pitcher I forget.

MERKLE'S

Chip: This is when things get a little fuzzy. My recounting of details beyond this point may conflict with the others'. Having ditched my pro drinking status for an amateur card about 5 years ago, the copious amounts of Old Style and PBR with no food intake begins to take its toll, so we set out for some sustenance. As we walk down Clark Street, it seems no one can decide on where to go. I then make an executive decision and head into Merkle's. We tried to order two chicken nacho platters, which if you read my game recap from May, you'd know are gigantic. The waitress laughs and says we'll only need one. With our masculinity crushed, we reluctantly agree and order one nacho platter and some waters. Dave not taking this lying down, decides to rally the troops back to respectable manhood and orders a round of Jager-bombs. I'm quite certain that every incident that I can recall in my past involving Jagermeister resulted in my face being planted firmly inside a toilet bowl. So like the pussy I am, I sipped my Jager bomb, eventually handing it over to Mark, who had officially given up on life at that point to finish it off. Maybe I lost a shred of dignity, but I was able to keep my dinner in my belly. After destroying the first nacho platter, we ordered a second one just to spite the waitress, and toss in some fries and chicken strips for good measure!

Dave Thomas: We sat down and I ordered a beer and a round of Jager bombs for the group. They ordered water and the waitress asked if they'll be ok. They countered with an order of nachos. Touche. The food came and the guys dove in just as the Colts Saints game started. I convinced the waitress to take a shot of Rumpleminz with me after which I promptly head to the bathroom. I couldn't have been gone more than five minutes but when I got back there was not only another full platter of nachos on the table but some fries and chicken strips as well. We finished the food up and headed out. This was the point where I had to head home and ready myself for work in the morning. After the lackluster Jager bomb "incident" my faith that the others would get home was wavering but I left them to their own devices.

Chaim: I hadn't done a Jager Bomb since my second tour of duty in 'Nam. For good reason I think. Ken brings over the glasses and it's overwhelming size is reminiscent of a Big Gulp. It takes me three tries to finish it off. Mama would be proud of her baby boy. We play a random movie game that is kind of like '6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon' where one person names and actor or a movie and then next one has to name something else they have been in or someone else in that movie. The game always ends with Mark, despite our numerous attempts to give him hints. Chip dusts the cobwebs off of Rick Ducommun. At this point in my life I'm not accountable for my actions. I killed a man in the bathroom.

BATTING CAGES

Chip: As we left Merkle's, we parted ways with Dave and were walking up Clark for what was appearing to be the journey back to Chaim's place when we pass Sluggers. The following exchange then took place.

Me: "Hey Sluggers, don't they have batting cages?"
Chaim: "Um, yeah."
Me: "Hey Mark! Batting cages!"
Mark: "Let's go!"

We started out with the slow pitch machine, which apparently was too "easy", despite that fact that our drunk asses couldn't hit 50% of what was thrown at us. So we moved on to the fast pitch machine, where we couldn't hit a god damn thing. Nothing like watching your friends swing wildly at chest-high fastballs. One ball ricocheted back and nailed me in the shoulder blade. Mark walked to the back corner of the place and fell asleep on a bench. We eventually moved on to air hockey on what was easily the worst air hockey tables in the world. In fact I think they advertise that on their door. That shit had huge gaping holes in the surface, hardly any air came through, and there were sticky spots from spilled beverages that appeared to be days old. Mark came to, and joined us, just in time for the dude working to kick us out. Not for being rowdy so much as we were the only stupid fuckers left in the place and he wanted to lock up and go home.

We get back to Chaim's to crash for the night where I have to convince Mark that going back out is a bad idea, despite his thinking otherwise. I think it was the second Jager bomb that sent him over the edge. Eventually after explaining to him that unless he was handy with a switchblade, we probably didn't stand a chance at one of the bars in Chaim's neighborhood, logic prevailed.

Chaim: Nothing like trying to catch up with an 80 MPH heater when you can't even see straight. I was seeing four different balls come at me and had to make crucial decisions as to which ball to swing at. Can I just say, worst bats ever? No plastic tubing on the handles, just masking tape, so that every time you made contact it took a year off your life. Seriously, no matter how solid you would hit the ball (not that we had many 'solid hits') it would send tremors through your hands that traveled all the way to the deepest recesses of your soul.

We head home and I try to blowup the air mattress for my guests. I sit there on the floor, despondent as the mattress doesn't seem to be blowing up. I notice a good sized gash in the mattress. Must be Chip's diabetes. I continue to try to blow it up, despite the fact that air is hissing out of it nothing less than an astonishing pace. I am sad and confused. I finally give up and just lay the flattened air mattress on the floor as a 'base' for Mark to lay on. Throwing them a few blankets and wishing them 'good luck with that', I retire to my bedroom, defeated and drunk, with dreams of a better tomorrow. And another nacho platter.

And now what you kids seem to be clamoring for these days. Game photos!

For the 6 of you that didn't know, didn't care, or was raised by wolves in the wilderness, this is what the front of Wrigley looks like.

Thunder Matt, fraternizing with the enemy. You can't tell but Matt is gazing in Juan Pierre's direction. "IDK, my BFF Juan."

This picture is a metaphor of Jock's relationship with the fans during his Chicago tenure.

Unintentional comedy hat #1 of 4. His girlfriend was pretty hot though. Apparently he owns a salon and is an avid hunter.

His playing days long behind him, we find Hector Villanueva outside the stadium in a weiner costume dancing and posing for the passersby in exchange for some bus fare and menthol cigarettes.

The jukebox at Gingerman. For the record, Baba O'Riley is not in it. Note in the bottom righthand corner of the jukebox window there's a small Thunder Matt's Saloon card.

Chaim trying to channel his inner-Julio Franco, while we anxiously await any possible nutshots.

Nice hack from Chip, despite the diabetes, as he channels his inner-Ron Santo. Unfortunately he can only muster up his inner-Ron Cedeno.

*Some day we'll tell you kids the legendary story of Hurricane Buechele. (staring off into the middle distance with a look of despair and somber remembrance) Some day...

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 2

We're back for Week 2 with a special "Hair of the Dog" Tuesday edition.

Pittsburgh 26
Buffalo 3
The Bills played this game wearing special “Everett 85” shirts under their pads. The shirts were originally set to be auctioned off for charity, but OJ Simpson sneaked into the Bills locker room after the game and stole them all, claiming they belonged to him. In other news, J.P. Losman is still terrible.

Houston 34
Carolina 21
In the “This is why I never go to Vegas” category, the Texans seem inherently pissed off that I picked them to go 0-16 this year. That’s alright…when they go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl, people will be lining up to pay me money to make such unfounded predictions about their favorite teams. On a side note, how much does it suck to be David Carr right now? Carr was sacked 249 times in his 5-year stint with the Texans, signs with Carolina thinking he’ll finally taste the playoffs, and then has his team fall to 0-2 while Houston whips his Panthers to improve to 2-0? Did Matt Schaub look over at him after each touchdown pass and laugh hysterically? Oh well…David Carr has no right to be on a playoff team as long as he’s wearing those fruity white gloves.

Jacksonville 13
Atlanta 7
Joey Harrington was sacked 7 times in this game.

(I literally sat here for 15 minutes staring at the screen trying to come up with something else to say about this game, but nothing else happened.)

Tampa Bay 31
New Orleans 14
Maybe New Orleans is playing like crap because there are so many women showing their breasts for beads. For some reason, this did not distract Jeff Garcia, who described his own 2 TD performance as “Yummy.”

“I’m just glad I was able to plow my team right into the end,” said Garcia after the game. When a reporter asked him if he meant end-zone, Garcia replied, “Ummm…sure?”

Green Bay 35
NY Giants 13
Two words: Fuvck Favre.

San Francisco 17
St. Louis 16
Frank Gore rushed for 2 touchdowns on the afternoon, the second on a spectacular run on 3^rd and 1, just days after his mother passed away due to kidney failure. To prove how much more talented professional athletes are than I am, I rushed to the bathroom once on the afternoon and it took so much out of me that I had to take a nap.

And don’t try to buy low on Steven Jackson in fantasy leagues. With Orlando Pace out for the year and the Rams’ defense playing so terribly, I have a feeling they’re going to be throwing the ball. A lot.

Cleveland 51
Cincinnati 45
I love it when a real-life game brings back fond memories of NFL Blitz, where the last team with the ball wins. At first when I saw the score, I assumed the entire Cincinnati defense had been suspended before the game for some kind of run-in with the law, but no…they’re just that bad.

Indianapolis 22
Tennessee 20
I know that people are tired of the cockiness and pompousness of the ’72 Dolphins, but if the Colts went 16-0 this year, would it necessarily be an improvement to have them be the new cocky assholes of the league 20 years from now? These are the things I ponder while watching the 187^th Peyton Manning commercial of the afternoon.

Detroit 20
Minnesota 17
Each week, there seems to be a “Who wants it less” matchup. Through 2 weeks this season, the Lions have been involved in both of those games. I don’t see them as a threat. It was cool to see one of the Detroit receivers continue to run after his helmet came off. No, I don’t know which receiver it was. I don’t care. He’s probably a loudmouth anyway.

Dallas 37
Miami 20
Trent Green throws 4 interceptions. Daunte Culpepper would laugh, but he’s too busy holding a clipboard behind someone who’s been cut by the Cardinals AND the Lions in his career. Awesome!

Arizona 23
Seattle 20
Does anyone else but me hate Matt Leinart for no reason? He seems like he has a good sense of humor, he’s a decent player, he’s never wronged me or my family, but every time I see him on TV, I want something terrible to happen to him. Also, would it surprise anyone else to find out that he’s been sleeping with Kurt Warner’s wife for the last year and a half? For some reason, this seems like a logical scenario to me.

(That last part was nothing more than an attempt to make you think of Brenda Warner naked. And if you weren’t thinking about it before, you sure are now. You make me sick.)

Baltimore 20
NY Jets 13
New York’s Roger Clemens gave up a record-setting 20 runs in this slugfest with the division-rival Orioles. Wait…that was Kellen Clemens? And it was the Ravens and Jets? Well then who the hell cares?

Denver 23
Oakland 20
Travis Henry’s line for the game: 26 carries, 128 yards, 3 conceptions, 6 paternity pending suits.

Chicago 20
Kansas City 10
Remember last year when Rex Grossman was phenomenal for half the season and then took a nose-dive? We aren’t even getting that good half-season this year. This is not good. Are there any everyday starting quarterbacks in the league (and some backups) that are worse than Rex Grossman?

New England 38
San Diego 14
There is nothing that can be said about this game that hasn’t been covered by 100 media outlets already. Except for the fact that Tomlinson is growing a pretty sweet neck-beard.

Washington 20
Philadelphia 12
The only thing Philly should be thankful for is that New Orleans has everyone talking about how shitty they look, thus sort of ignoring how incredibly bad the Eagles have been. Maybe we should start a running tally for offensive TD's between the Eagles and Notre Dame this season. The current score, Eagles 1, Irish 0. This looks like a real barnburner folks.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (401 yards, 6 TD)
RB - Jamal Lewis, CLE (215 yards, 1 TD)
WR - Chad Johnson, CIN (11 catches, 209 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Steve Smith, CAR (8 catches, 153 yards, 3 TD)
TE - Kellen Winslow, CLE (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 TD)
DE - Napoleon Harris, KC (12 tackles, 1 sack, 1 int.)
LB - Lofa Tatupu, SEA (12 tackles, 1 int.)
LB - Lance Briggs, CHI (12 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Trent Green, MIA (4 INT)
RB - Reggie Bush (10 carries, 27 yards)
RB - LaDanian Tomlinson (18 carries, 43 yards)
WR - Vincent Jackson (4 catches, 53 yards for the "super sleeper" of the year.)
TE - Vernon Davis (2 catches, 23 yards...that's 4 catches for 27 yards on the year total.)

Holy Gist! Cubs Win!

What a pants pooper! Oh man. In what may go down as one of the seminal games of the year, the Cubs rally from a 6-4 deficit in the bottom of the ninth to win this crucial game 7-6 on Mark DeRosa's fifth hit of the night.

Rich 'Kip' Hill looked good early on, making the Communists look downright silly. That, coupled with back-to-back moonshots from Huxtable and DeRosa, had the Cubs sitting pretty. Then in the fifth and sixth the Cubs fortunes took a hit courtesy of some kid that used to mow your lawn named Jeff Keppinger. The Cubs bats went into the witness protection program and despite the raucous crowd willing them on, things looked grim.

Luckily for us the Reds closer is...David...Weathers. (crickets) The Riot, who has been struggling lately, starts things off with a gutsy walk and then Lee follows with a solid single. Then Aramis hits a bomb to right center. Norris Hopper, who already robbed A-Ram once tonight is tracking it...oh shit....YES! He actually over-dives it by a bit and the ball clears his glove, plating Theriot and Lee. After an intentional walk and the Reds bringing in an additional infielder, DeRosa gets what can only be described as the most exciting infield hit you'll see. Professional pinch runner Sam Fuld comes home to score and Wrigley goes positively apeshit.

I fire a throw pillow across the room in jubilation. Un-f'ing-beleivable. Go Cubs go indeed. Fat Z takes the mound tomorrow afternoon looking to mow down some Commie bastards and get in a few jubilant fist pumps while he's at it.

The Gist: Emmy Special

Chi-Town Girl and I are here spontaneously deciding to blog the Primetime Emmys. Really we had no intention on doing this, but after happening to tune in for the first ten minutes of the pre-show, we realized that all these sons-of-bitches needed to be commented upon. Wisteria Lane? Who gives a shit? On to the diary:

7:18: Ellen DeGeneres has baggy eyes, and she's baggin' Portia de Rossi? Get out.

7:20: Felicity Huffman, your ribs stick out more than your chest.

7:26: Joely Fischer needs to put her boobs away.

7:27: Hugh Laurie should stop faking his British accent. Get off it you ass. Your European moodiness doesn't make you any more popular.

7:31: The Sopranos? Seriously, did anyone really watch that show? Stop crying.

7:34: Could Eva Longoria's boobs be any farther apart? Your husband cheats on you.

7:35: Jon Stewart, why don't you run for president?

7:36: Helen Mirren looks scary. To diversify her portfolio, she'll be playing Margaret Thatcher this year.

7:41: Apparently no one in Hollywood knows where to buy a bra.

7:42: The mom from Who's the Boss?! It looks like she's naked! And she's about to make out with Vanessa Williams.

7:44: The girl from Knocked Up looks like she's getting married with envelopes on her sleeves.

7:47: Is Friends up for anything this year? I like that Chandler guy. And, hey, is Seinfeld making a come back? I think I spotted Julia Louise-Dreyfus. She's looking pretty hot for pushing 50. Maybe Portia should reconsider.

7:50: Wow, Kelsey Grammer. I thought he was dead. No one born after 1970 watched his show. Get these people off the screen. Blah blah, we don't understand AARP.

7:53: Seal, cinch up the tie bud, you're at the Emmys. And christ, have you not heard of reconstructive surgery? Does anyone know what happened to his head anyway?

7:55: Mariska Hargitay, Law and Order, go hit on Ellen, or Portia, or both.

7:57: Why does everyone in Hollywood pretend to be British?

8:00: Opening with a Stewie and Brian musical number! Excellent. Awesome that they go off on Zach Braff immediately. And the Cavemen! Well, they're digging everyone. I bet those cougars from Desperate Housewives will make off with some kind of award. They'll still go to bed unsatisfied.

8:03: Ryan Seacrest would be funnier if he were drunk. He is wearing a seat belt as a tie. And he's trying to look up Eva Longoria's dress.

8:07: The show can end now. William Shatner has made an appearance.

8:08: Ray Romano is trying to be funny. Is this the Republican National Convention? Get rid of the 80's skater cut guy. You've never really been funny, no matter what the old people watching CBS say. Christ, cue the music on Ray, selfish bastard.

8:15: Best supporting actor in a comedy series goes to Jeremy Piven, Entourage. Boo. Dwight should have bagged that one. Everyone knows Piven is a pretentious asshole.

8:16: Vanessa Williams wishes she was a peacock. Brant Brown wants Ugly Betty to go to hell.

8:17: Best supporting actor in a drama goes to NOT the Asian from Heros. Terry O'Quinn. Sparkly tie, pink shirt, fat wife... who doesn't love Locke. Thank christ, something is right with the world.

8:22: Really, no one is wearing a bra.

8:23: Best supporting actress in a comedy goes to Jaime Pressly. Boo My Name is Earl. I like her better as white trash. Hold up, her fiance looks like a thug, she might still have a chance.

8:26: Best supporting actor in a miniseries/made for TV movie. Does anyone really care who wins this category? Seriously. Wait, we do if it's the airplane repairman from Wings. Thomas Hayden Church. Oh god, he's crying, and talking about westerns, cue the music.

8:35: Ellen, shut the F up and go sit back down by your hot girlfriend. Portia DeRossi! Damn!

8:37: How many members of Entourage are taller than Eva Longoria? Only one. That's a lot of small penises. Shocking. Best supporting actress goes to the girl from Knocked Up. Apparently she's also in Grey's Anatomy.

8:41: John Cryer still looks like he's 14.

8:45: Conan O'Brien's hair. WTF? He's already taller than everyone.

8:53: Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilara. Tony has a boner for a two bit whore.

8:55: Coincidentally Tony Bennett now wins an Emmy.

8:58: Best actor in a miniseries, unfortunately not Tom Selleck. Magnum was in need of a boost. No dice. Rick and Higgins were of no help.

9:06: LeVar Burton; why wasn't Roots one of the books on Reading Rainbow? Is Cicely Tyson Mike Tyson's mom? I think one of the actors from Roots is the dad from Coming to America. Robert Duval, getting the music for the second time this evening. Ray Ramono shouldn't have wasted so much time before.

9:10: Doogie Howser says he's gay so he can check out the cheerleader from Heroes on national TV, no questions asked.

9:18: I'd love to go off on this horrid Macy's commercial, but there is so much to say that it may actually warrant a post of its own. Go back to jail Martha Stewart, and stop making fun of your own stupidity Jessica Simpson.

9:22: I love Steve Carell. Everyone should love Steve Carell. John Stewart loves Steve Carell, and it earned him an Emmy.

9:25: Tony Bennett wins again for his musical special. He's 80 and looks like a sick dog. Don't get me wrong, I like his greatest hits and all, but he looks sedated. He needs to lie down. And they thanked everyone at Target as Tony stands there and smiles. His wife is about 22 years old. Very nice. Tony will probably be in the next triumvirate of celebrities that die. Right there with Abe Vigoda and Dick Cheney. Godspeed.

9:27: Really, there are no bras in Hollywood. Another one of the Housewife cougars affirms my theory of a braless society.

9:37: This thing is going downhill very fast. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee just won something. I couldn't even tell you what. From what I understand, no one watched that, and everyone was mad because it bumped the Sopranos one night. The Sopranos? Don't get me started.

9:39: And as if on cue, everyone starts sucking the Sopranos dicks, via The Jersey Boys. Waiting for their testicles to drop...

9:41: ..still waiting...

9:44: The entire cast of the Sopranos comes on the stage. And they cut to commercial. Excellent. The Sopranos. I've never even heard of that show. Is it on the FX?

9:49: Sally Field is on the stage. "You like me! You really like me!" Sorry Sally, you didn't win anything. But Helen Mirren did. Christ, this woman wins everything. And she's trying to be witty. Send her back across the pond.

10:05: This has nothing to do with the Emmys but Brant Brown just spilled red wine on his shirt, and immediately dumped a can of Fresca on the stain in attempt to get it out. Why Fresca? Why indeed. He's now frantically rubbing the stain with laundry soap and yelling "Daddy Gore is on!"

Al Gore just thanked the Academy.

10:10: Tony Bennett, still high. Thanking Target for being a wholesome company. Clearly this led to his Emmy Award. He also thanks his kids, and seems to forget just how many of them he has.

10:15: Ugly Betty, not getting any cuter. At least she's wearing a bra.

10:18: Finally The Office wins an Emmy. Thank the witches of Salem. Thank christ this guy accepting is behind the camera and not in front of it.

10:24: Ryan Seacrest is now wearing some kind of French military outfit. Drunk.

10:25: Bad humor has befallen the Emmy Awards. It involves Rainn Wilson and Kanye West.

10:30: Reality TV now has it's own category. We'd all be a lot better off without Reality TV. Reality TV is an oxymoron, and usually employs morons. How many people does it take to film Amazing Race? About 40. They're all contributing to America's societal problems. I have just lost brain cells watching them win an award.

10:37: These award shows are so contrived. Seriously, these people make enough money, do they really need to pat each others' egos even more? Yes, they do. It's what they do.

10:40: Felicity Huffman, no bra.

10:42: Sally Field, stop using uppers. You're fucking crazy.

10:51: William Shatner. Still not dead. And the girl from Ugly Betty wins the best actress category. The sight of her makes me writhe in pain. Ugh. That's OK, she's just having her fifteen minutes.

10:54: Jimmy Smits. Old. Needs to go away. Didn't he die in NYPD Blue? Is that show still on? No one ever watched that, except maybe Troy Ersland.

10:56: James Spader won the best actor in a drama. Didn't he do Cinemax soft porn? Does he really have a show? Is he trying to be British with those glasses?

11:04: 30 Rock wins best comedy. Brant Brown cheers, as he's in love with Tina Fey.

11:05: If whoever runs these shows could just do away with the "comedic" interludes, awards shows wouldn't run over their scheduled time. And again, why are we watching all these people who make a ton of money for being famous? Oh Hollywood. How we love thee.

11:09: And the Sopranos wins the big Emmy of the night. Really, who cares? Again, I ask of you, did anyone even watch that show? I thought it was about Pavarotti and his friends. Whatever. The night is young, Britney didn't show up, and everyone is gonna go out and get drunk at Skybar.

Done............................till the Oscars.....................................

Overrated: The Patriots Scandal

Well, this got out of hand faster than Charlie Sheen at a Pahrump brothel...

The Patriots got caught filming the other team from the sidelines during a game, something they were specifically told by the NFL not to do. Fans are outraged and hard-assed commisioner Roger Goodell has lowered the boom with massive fines and the loss of draft picks.

The way I see it, people are reacting in one of three ways based on how they feel about the Pats:

Patriot Haters

This proves what you've known all along: Bill Belichick dresses like a homeless man to keep you from realizing he is twice as evil and devious as Palpatine from Star Wars. You've been trying to tell people for years Tom Brady is too pretty to be this good and the stirring he causes in your crotchal region IS unnatural and must be repressed.

The Pats have been cheating your entire life and wouldn't have won a single game in the Belichick era without such underhanded tricks. They film the other team and then pour over every minute of it during the half to make adjustments for the 2nd half. Bunch of no-talent bums...

Cheaters! Oh, and by the way, the tuck rule is bullshit.

Patriot Fans

Move along, nothing to see here. That stirring Tom Brady causes in your crotchal region is perfectly normal and must be indulged daily.

Not a Patriot fan, but not a hater either

Yes, my category.

This is a relatively minor infraction. Punishment is deserved because they were told not to do this, but everyone needs to calm down. Roger Goodell probably went a little overboard.

How much tape can they look at during half time anyway? Not enough to make that big of a difference. Teams look at tape all week before games and it doesn't help half of them win.

If Belichick is so smart and has nothing to gain, why did he do it? Its like weaving in and out of lanes in traffic. You may think its moving you along faster, but in reality it isn't helping anything. Being smart doesn't mean every decision you make is right.

These teams like the Eagles and Jets coming out of the woodwork saying the Pats beat them because of the taping are absolutely laughable. No, the Pats beat you because they're more talented and have a better coach. They've now won two games this year 38-14...one with tape, one without, and the team they beat without tape is about 10 times better than the one they taped.

Can Belichick even afford a $500,000 fine? The poor bastard can't even afford a proper hoodie.

Limp-Wristed Mulder Devastated by the Thunder

All in all you're just another plaque on the wall.

Getting a rare start yesterday, Murton said, "I've had enough of this shit!" and proved to Lou why keeping him on the bench is a big mistake. Thunder Matt crushed a three run homer yesterday against Mark Mulder and his girl arm. Unfortunately Murton's power proved too overwhelming for the rest of the Cubs as they couldn't knock in any more runs and left several people on base. Poor hitting with RISP? Or were they too afraid they couldn't live up to Thunder Matt's awesomeness? Murton was unavailable for comments after the game, as he had to attend a feast in his honor in Valhalla.

The Gist: Sunday Diary

Coming to you live from the couch, it's a special Sports Sunday diary edition of the Gist. The Cubs will be at Busch Stadium today, trying to take three out of four from the El Caminos. We're getting things started off this morning an hour early though, so we can bring you inappropriate commentary on Peyton Manning, one of the arch rivals of the Saloon. Don't get us wrong though. Just because we hate Peyton doesn't mean we like the Patriots or anything. We despise both equally. On to the action:

All times PST

10:08: Peyton is soft-tossing on the sidelines, warming up his arm for the game. "Soft-Tosser" was also his nickname on the Tennessee campus in days of yore. It was likely in reference to something sexual.

10:13: A 37-yard pass to Marvin Harrison puts the Colts at 1st and goal, and Addai runs it in for an easy touchdown on the next play. What is it about the Colts? Why is Peyton Manning the way that he is? It's quite possible that they will go 16-0 this season. I know it's early, but Christ on a horse.

10:26: The Colts get the ball back on a punt. Can't someone plant video equipment and say that that it belongs to the Colts? Would it really be that difficult for someone to videotape the other team's signals, and then slip it in Dungy's jacket pocket? Seems like a no-brainer. Actually, Belichick is probably already working on that.

10:47: I'm in two separate suicide pools. One of them is a double elimination pool, and I took a chance on Carolina at home today. In the other, it's single elimination, so I had to go with a safer bet of Cincinnati over Cleveland. The Carolina bet looks safe in the early going. The Bengals pick? Not so much. Not that anyone reading this cares. But I care deeply.

10:50: Peyton Manning update. He threw a TD to Dallas Clark, which is great for my fantasy team. Again, not that you care.

10:58: This Peyton Manning thing isn't working. In summary, the Colts are good and Peyton is a choad. Let's move on to Chicago Cubs baseball!

11:01: Jason Marquis versus Mark Mulder. This could be a barnburner of crap. I'll be content with a 12-9 victory.

11:14: Just before the first pitch, it's time for the first drink of the day. A mimosa. Trust me, it's more manly than you think. At least it's not a mojito.

11:16: Looks like Murton's batting fifth today. We need a big game from Thunder, especially with this being a diary day.

11:17: Lee with a sharp double down the line. Mark Mulder is a southpaw. Shouldn't his arm snap at some point soon? Doesn't that happen to all lefties at some point in their career? Mulder also has apparently requested that the scoreboard operator not put up the speed of his pitches. What a baby. You don't throw hard anyway asshole.

11:19: A-Ram walks, and they review his staredown with Russ Springer from last night. A brawl today wouldn't be half bad.

11:21: Murton pops out to Poopholes. Sigh. Let's check in on that Colts/Titans game.

11:25: Only Peyton Manning has the audacity to throw into double coverage. Can anyone confirm whether or not Peyton Manning is married? I've never seen nor heard of him having a wife. He would be the obsessive dork that goes home and jacks off to X's and O's. Am I jealous of Peyton? Maybe. But I'd rather not look at it that way.

11:26: Rick Ankiel uses HGH to reach first base on a swinging bunt. He should be tarred and feathered.

11:27: Poopholes grounds into a double play. All is momentarily right in the world.

11:32: The thing about the mimosa is that it really loosens up your shoulders right away. This is good for typing. Anyway, Marquis flies out, and a double by Soto is wasted. Is Soto related to Mike Piazza? They look alike. In fact, Piazza, Soto, and Scott Speizio all look the same. Except Speizio is now dry after his rehab stint, and he maintains the incredibly homosexual red-dyed soul patch. I hate Scott Speizio.

11:37: Jason Marquis is pitching "lights-out". I do not expect this to continue.

11:38: Speizio is up. He strikes out on three pitches. Someone get this man a drink!

11:41: Soriano with a leadoff double! Edmonds smacks up against the wall. Unfortunately he is not concussed.

11:42: Brenly points out that the Cubs have three hits on the day, all doubles. Brenly calls this the bartender's special. Brenly will go home and drink a bottle of scotch tonight prior to beating his wife.

11:45: DeRosa walks, two on, no outs. Lee at the plate. Lee promptly grounds into a double play. Seems like he's had an inordinate amount of those lately.

11:49: A-Ram walks again, bringing Murton to the plate to do some damage. And he crushes a homerun down the left field line, hitting the foul pole netting! All hail Thunder Matt Murton! He comes through with said damage! Somebody get this man another wife!

11:51: Craig Monroe with another double down the right field line. We are doubling Mulder to death.

11:53: Cedeno with an RBI single. Cedeno looks like my retarded cousin. Actually, I don't have a retarded cousin, but Cedeno looks like a malnourished child with Down's Syndrome. I'm really not a fan. But God bless his resiliency, being a retard and all.

11:58: The mimosas are flowing like the blood of Cardinal fans. And Mulder is pulled for a pinch hitter in the bottom of the third.

12:06: Soriano with another double to lead off the fourth inning.

12:10: Bases loaded, nobody out with A-Ram at the plate.

12:12: Full count with the bases loaded, and a dribbler to the shortstop, throwing to the plate for the force out. That sucks ass. But it brings up Murton for the potential grand slam, which would thrust him into the lexicon of great Chicago Cubs.

12:16: Alas, Murton hits into a double play. Talk about a wet fart. Christ.

12:16: And my first WGN commercial comment of the day. The ad for that godawful show "Sister Sister". Those girls are not in the least bit attractive. Apparently they are the Black Olsen twins. Someone is going to say that's racist, but it's not. What have those girls done since this show aired. It was a gimmick and it ran it's course. Good riddance.

12:20: By the way, both of my suicide pools? Looking pretty dire right now. I'm in a shame spiral.

12:21: Jim Edmonds is the Mark Loretta of the Cardinals except he doesn't kill strange, foreign children that you don't care about. Every time Edmonds gets a base hit, someone you went to grade school with dies. Remember that girl you had your first crush on when you were in fourth grade? He got a hit. She just got in a car accident and died. Thanks Jim Edmonds. Asshole.

12:26: Geovany Soto with his third hit of the day. Seriously, why does Kendall start ahead of this guy?

12:28: Your cousin that nobody talks about, Ronny Cedeno, just got a solid base hit. However, it only gives Marquis the opportunity to hit into a double play. Marquis looks kind of like a hawk. Not Andre Dawson. And not that Harrelson a-hole. Like a real bird hawk. The kind that swoops down in the night to kill mice. Marquis probably kills mice in the middle of the night too. He kills them with his meaty paws and eats them like buffalo wings.

12:44: OK, I've been researching pictures of hawks for the last 15 minutes.

12:48: Chip Wesley has called and distracted me. He convinced me to take Carolina in the suicide pool. What an asshole.

12:50: Murton with a sharp single to right field. 2 for 4 on the day. Craig Monroe? Still thinks stud earrings are cool. Quick, someone give him a call.

1:02: The El Caminos have two runners on with Poopholes at the plate. He jerks a homer foul. Not gonna get the job done you ass. Seriously though, wouldn't Ankiel have logically given Poopholes some HGH. Even if Ankiel was in minor league rehab at the time? I think Poopholes is guilty. He looks like the kind of guy that would be guilty of a lot of stuff. He looks like a son of a bitch.

1:04: Edmonds strikes out. Your best friend in grade school releases the deepest of breaths.

1:09: One of my suicide pools is officially dead with the imminent loss by Cincinnati. Holy hell. The other one took a severe hit with Carolina's loss to the Texans. What is going on in this world? The Chuck Norris commercial for Mountain Dew? Not helping matters.

1:12: Wow, Geovany Soto is hitting .419. Lou! Play this kid! Who cares about veterans! Four hits on the day!

1:25: Marmol on the mound in the bottom of the seventh. Miguel Cairo, Cub of Yore, at third base now after a passed ball by the wunderchild Geovany Soto.

1:28: Boo, the El Caminos score a run. How dare they.

1:37: Bases loaded, Bob Howry comes in the game, and Edmonds is at the plate. Have no doubt about it, Edmonds will kill people you care about. Remember that highlight reel play Edmonds made about eight years ago with the Angels, where he was running toward the center field fence and dove and caught the ball? Remember that? Yeah. HGH. Anyway, he popped out to Lee, and another schoolmate will live.

1:45: Troy Percival is in the game for the El Caminos.

1:47: Murton walks, and then is pinch-run for. Murton doesn't need to exert himself. He's done enough, carrying this team on his shoulders today.

1:49: Goddamn Milwaukee. Why can't the Brewers just roll over and die? This is getting ridiculous. I refuse to acknowledge that someone else is competing against the Cubs to become the worst team ever to make the playoffs.

1:56: This Sam Fuld kid with a fantastic catch against the wall in right field. Is that how you spell his name? Hell if I know, he hardly plays.

2:00: Hell, runners on first and second with two outs. Dempster is warming up in the bullpen. Hide the women and children.

2:01: Fly ball to end the inning. We go to the top of the ninth.

2:03: The WGN commercials haven't particularly angered me today. And no Moesha commercial. I wonder if they took that show off WGN. Perhaps. Where's the garden weasel when you need it?

2:11: Dempster is on for the save. Cub fans everywhere hold their breath. Ground ball to first by Ankiel for an out!

2:13: Base hit for Poopholes. Imagine that. I'd love to say that Dempster is on thin ice, but you know what? He's not. Piniella seems to be sticking with this guy through thick and thin.

2:14: Taguchi grounds into a double play to end the game! Unfortunately Milwaukee won as well. Cubs are up by a game. This ends your diary for the day. Go Cubs! Pharrell Williams? Go to hell. Dane Cook? You follow Pharrell and keep your mouth shut.