Move Over Capuano

There appears to be a new Chris in town that is baffling the Cubs offense. Chris Sampson went out yesterday and blanked Chicago over 5 innings, allowing only 3 hits. While Sampson's MLB resume is incredibly short at this point, he's had success with the Cubs in the past. I doubt anyone remembers this gem from last season, where Sampson threw 7 shutout innings. That game also was one of a handful of quality starts from Sean Marshall squandered by an anemic offense. Seriously folks. This is Chris Sampson, not the second coming of Jesus. Couple yesterday's sad hitting display with the "Cesar the Clown Juggling Hour" and the ever popular "GiDP Rally", and we have the most depressing game so far this season.

Hopefully things will be looking up today, as the Cubs face Wandy Rodriguez, and in case there's any questions about today's lineup I'll offer this simple equation.

Wandy Rodriguez = Lefty = Start Thunder Matt!

Wandy is one of only two pitchers Murton has taken yard multiple times. If Uncle Lou doesn't start him today, then we know for sure that Thunder Matt must not be on his good list right now.

Of course today's forecast calls for rain mixed with snow and possibly locusts (this weather f'n blows), so who knows if we'll even get an official game in today.

Calm Down Thunder. Calm Down.

Watching Thunder Matt at the plate so far this season it is clear that he is nervous. He's already looking over his shoulder at Clifford Floyd. Like a young boy who wants nothing more than to impress his loving yet overbearing father, young Matty is striving for the approval of Papa Lou. It is an approval that has thus far remained more elusive than conclusive proof of the Tibetan Yeti, leading to some expected first week jitters.

Playing for 'Sweet Lou' Piniella can be stressful. Being called an 'adorable redhead' in the press by your own manager can lead to feelings of self doubt and anxiety. "Does he really think I'm adorable in a non-sexual way? Or does that signify some deeper issues that he has concerning growth as a player or perceived lack of testosterone due to my laid back nature and boyish good looks?" These thoughts and questions can make even the strongest man's emotions wilt like a plate of wet gnocchi. Even Thunder Matt. Even Thunder Matt.

My advice? Personally, I'd suggest ingesting a bit of liquor before batting practice, but that's just me. If it worked for Babe Ruth, why not Thunder Matt? Just a few quick pulls from your flask. Maybe even hide your flask in your cap when you're out there in the field. When Michael Wuertz is taking his sweet time with his warm up pitches, you take a couple swigs when nobody is looking. All of the sudden that cold weather doesn't seem too bad and you lose any inhibitions you may have had to dive for that sinking liner. That ouchie you get on your knee from diving? One pour directly on the wound to sterilize, two pours directly in your mouth to party.

Lets go Matthew. Just relax up there. Take a deep breath and do some stretching exercises. Pull a few clubhouse pranks. (The old 'cream pie in the face' standby wins friends AND draws big laughs!) Rassle with Dempster. Dress up like Sammy Sosa and parade around the locker room with an over sized boombox, making stereotypical (and lets be honest, offensive) comments in broken English. Above all, just relax. Calm down. Everything will be ok. Cliff Floyd will be injured in a matter of weeks, if not days, and who's kidding who, Angel Pagan is no Thunder Matt.

I think the best thing we can do here is to quote a scene from "Swingers", taking a few liberties to make the scene applicable to Thunder. Trent and Sue, take it away.

Trent: You know what you are Thunder? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...

Sue: ...big fucking teeth, man.

Trent: Yeah... big fuckin' teeth on ya'. And the ball is just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.

Sue: Shivering.

Trent: Yeah, man just kinda... you know, you got these claws and you're staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"

Sue: And you're poking at it, you're poking at it...

Trent: Yeah, you're not hurting it. You're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny's scared Thunder, the bunny's scared of you, shivering.

Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs...

Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?

Sue: You're like a big Cubbie bear, man.

NBA Update

We really haven't covered the NBA much here at TMS. And by 'much' I mean not at all. So now is as good of time as any for a quick NBA update.

Sources close to TMS tell us that the NBA regular season has almost concluded and that the playoffs will begin shortly. Stay tuned for more exclusive breaking news!

Oh and also, in order of importance, Luke Walton is dating Britney Spears, Kobe Bryant has yet to allegedly rape anyone this season, Mark Cuban plays by his own rules and Michael Jordan remains retired, but often rubs his chin thoughtfully and thinks about a comeback, if for just a minute.

The $126 Million Dollar Man

What does a guy making $126 million look like after giving up 8 runs to the Dodgers on Sunday? Something like this:



LA swept the Giants, which is sweet, in their park, which is extra sweet, and have won 8 in a row overall in the House the Kevin Elster Built.

My early thoughts on the Dodgers? Its time to take Luis Gonzalez out back behind the shed and put him down. When Barry Bonds is running on you because your D is so bad, its time to hang it up. Also, memo to Grady Little: Quit fucking around with Andre Ethier's head. The kid hit .308 last year and you're jerking him in and out of the lineup. Kemp in left, Pierre in center, and Ethier in right - thats what god intended.

As for the arch rival Giants, they look BAD. They had 12 hits on Friday and only mustered one run because Gonzo dropped a routine fly ball. There isn't a scary hitter in their lineup anymore, including Barry*. Whats he going to do, solo-HR you to death? Unlikely. It would take 9 solo homers to compensate for all the runs Barry Zito is giving up right now.

Gracies and Neifis

This will be a new weekly feature*, where I will look at which players are currently hot and which are not. Instead of going with the generic name of "Studs and Duds" or "Champs and Chumps", I came up with Gracies and Neifis. I don't think I need to explain which one is which.

*I give it 4 weeks before I get bored with it and give up.

Week One (4/2 - 4/8)

THE GRACIES - The cream of the crop this past week

Alex Rodriguez (NYY- 3B) - Never mind his glove. A-Rod got it done at the plate this week, going 8 for 21 with 4 home runs and 11 RBI, including a game-winning grand slam on Saturday vs. the Orioles.

Eric Byrnes (Ari - OF) - Byrnes went 11 for 31 with 2 homers, 7 RBI, and 4 stolen bases, yet most folks in Phoenix probably couldn't spot him in a police lineup.

Miguel Cabrera (Fla - 3B) - He's batting .500 with 2 home runs, 8 RBI, and a K/BB ratio of .333. Oh and he's 23 years old. What the hell were you doing when you were 23?

Jose Reyes (NYM - SS) - Jose went 7 for 21 this week, with 5 of those 7 hits being for extra bases, including 3 triples. You know who else hit 3 triples?

Vladimir Guerrero (LAA - OF) - One of the few guys that was lucky enough to play all week in weather that didn't require a skimask. Vlad ripped 3 homers for 10 RBI.

Roy Oswalt (Hou - SP) - After being baffled by the Pirates, the Astros finally broke into the win column Saturday against the Cardinals, thanks to a complete game five-hitter from Oswalt.

Johan Santana (Min - SP) - Santana got the win in his season opener despite giving up 4 runs to Baltimore. He looked better yesterday against the White Sox, allowing only one hit over 7 innings and striking out 9.

John Lackey (LAA - SP) - Lackey picked up two wins this week, striking out 11 over 12 innings. Lackey has only allowed one run thus far.


THE NEIFIS - Desperately in need of a Slumpbuster

Alex Gordon (KC - 3B) - Looks like the young phenom has some kinks to work out. In his first week in the bigs, Gordon went 1 for 19, with 8 strikeouts and 0 walks.

Ryan Shealy (KC - 1B) - It's just an overall lack of pop from the corners in KC. Shealy didn't fare much better than his counterpart, managing only 2 hits in 16 at bats.

Kevin Kouzmanoff (SD - 3B) - Apparently it's "Rip the Rookies" week. The Kouz' is batting a Neifi-esque .143 through 21 at bats.

Jermaine Dye (CHW - OF) - Dye's 2 for 17 start shouldn't be too much of surprise. Looking at the splits, it appears that Dye plays poorly in April on odd-numbered years. You won't find that on ESPN's "Did You Know?".

Adam LaRoche (Pit - 1B) - A real poster boy for plate discipline, LaRoche struck out 13 times in 27 plate appearances.

Brad Lidge & Dan Wheeler (Hou - RP) - Yikes. It's been said that if Lidge struggled that Wheeler would be considered the backup. Well what if Wheeler struggles as well? The two combined this past week for 9 hits, 5 earned runs, 4 walks and only 1 K, through 3 2/3 innings.

Jose Contreras (CHW - SP) - And the winner for most abysmal Opening Day start goes to....... (1 inning, 7 hits, 1 walk, 8 runs)

A.J. Burnett (Tor - SP) - A.J. got rocked by the Tigers last Wednesday, giving up 6 runs on 5 hits and 4 walks.

Chaiming In

• It was a solid, if unspectacular series versus the Brew Crew up in Milwaukee. I'm encouraged by the way our team is hitting early on. Usually the Cubs bats stay as cool as Jack Nicholson at the Golden Globes and don't come out of hibernation until around the time when old people without AC start dying of heat stroke. Other than Alfie, they seem to be hitting the ball fairly well. Unlike years past, if the Cubs are trailing past the 7th inning, I probably won't find myself giving up hope quite as fast. Those 'King of Queens' reruns may have to just wait.
  

• I was talking with a guy from Milwaukee by way of California. He was saying how he missed the coast and the differences between when he would go out in California as opposed to going out in Milwaukee. In California, everybody was kind of chill and laid back, but in Milwaukee people just get shitfaced, lose their minds, punch things, dance uncontrollably and are totally unaccountable for their actions. He referred to it as being 'Milwaukee drunk'. Let this enter the lexicon of terms used here at TMS.
  

• Was I the only one who knew Zach Johnson would win The Masters. Wait, Zach who? According to Wikipedia (inside joke!) he's from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Finally a celebrity from my home state I can be proud of. The other Iowa celebrity I refer to is, of course, my father Tom Arnold.

• Hopefully sooner rather than later I'll muster the willpower to post a couple of exciting and potentially arousing columns. On the horizon is an all new Realm of Red, a 'Who Is Tommy Buzanis?' profile and an intoxicating new column I will debut that profiles Wrigleyville bars. Bad pun intended, yes. I plan on doing lots of research for this column. And by research, I mean getting 'Milwaukee drunk'.

Milwaukee Drunk

And on a lighter note...

We can't send everyone into the weekend full of fire and brimstone now can we? Well, yes we could and would have, had I not been alerted to this little gem.

A drunk Tracy Morgan on live TV makes for a good way to kick off any weekend. I like how at the end he revisits his earlier promise to get someone pregnant, and the host just concedes he's going to get fired.

Check it out. Good Friday indeed.

Douchebag of the Year

Yes it's early in the year to be truly declaring the douchebag of the year already, but two things occurred to me.

1. I haven't called someone a douchebag in a while.
2. Colin Cowherd deserves the all-out wrath from every blog out there.

Deadspin reported yesterday about what amounted to a DNS attack on the sports blog, The Big Lead (I'd link to it, but at this moment it is still down). Cowherd essentially called for the attack to happen. The Deadspin article explains what a DNS attack is a little more, but it basically crashes the targeted site.

Wow, just wow. I realize Cowherd was a sniveling, insecure asshole, who rips off and plagiarizes sports blogs, but this is a whole new low for him. If any of you listen to Cowherd or ESPN Radio for that matter, we here at TMS urge you to boycott them immediately. It is time for ESPN to realize they aren't the only thing that matters and to rid themselves of cockweasels like Cowherd once and for all. Of course the Worldwide Leader divorced credibility for entertainment value a long time ago.

War Criminal: Steve Alford

Growing up, I was a huge Iowa Hawkeye basketball fan. My earliest memories are of those spectacular Hawkeye teams in the 80's with the likes of Roy Marble, Ed Horton, B.J. Armstrong, Brad Lohaus, Jeff Moe and such. The coach leading them was Dr. Tom Davis. The Hawks were perennial favorites in the Big Ten throughout Dr. Tom's tenure and he proved successful at getting his team into the tourney just about every year. But by the late 90's, some were beginning to grow tired of Dr. Tom. While the constant tourney bids were nice, the Hawks weren't getting beyond the second round and many felt that it was time for a change. So at the end of the 98/99 season, Iowa chose not to renew his contract.

Enter Steve Alford, Indiana legend and member of the Pat Riley Hair Club for Men. Alford was coming off a nice season at Southwest Missouri State where he led the Bears to a Sweet 16 appearance that year. There was a buzz of excitement in Iowa that hadn't been there in a while. Things were surely going to take a turn for the best, and when they opened their first game the following season with a 70-68 victory over the defending National Champion UConn Huskies, I was firmly on board the Alford train.

One problem. The train was heading the wrong direction.

That UConn win was the highest point, at least for me, during the entire Alford tenure at Iowa. As Hawk fans remember, that first season was pretty lousy as Iowa finished 14-16, their first losing season since 93/94. Things picked up in year two for Alford. Despite only a 7-9 conference record that season, the Hawkeyes ran the table in the Big Ten tourney and won the automatic bid, earning a 7 seed in the NCAA tournament. Iowa would win their first round game against 10 seed Creighton before losing to 2 seed Kentucky. This would be first and last time Alford's Hawkeyes would win an NCAA tourney game.

After that the wheels really started to come loose. In 2002, Iowa star player Pierre Pierce was charged with sexual assault. He ended up with what amounted to a slap on the hand from the law and when he only received essentially a red-shirt as punishment from the team, it was a slap in the face to the fans and the school. Many, wanting Pierce removed from the team completely were not happy and felt Alford's handling of the matter was piss poor at best. The integrity and class that Dr. Tom ran the Iowa program with had vanished. To make Alford and the school look even more foolish was that model-citizen Pierce would run into trouble with the law again in early 2005. This time he was being charged with a slew of crimes including sexual abuse, burglary, and false imprisonment. Alford dismissed his leading scorer from the team, a move that should've been done three years earlier. Pierce spent just under a year in prison and now has to register as a sex offender. Still under probation, a judge denied his request to leave the state to pursue an NBA career.

Not that Pierce made much of a difference anyway. The three years following their 2001 tourney appearance saw the Hawkeyes only able to earn bids to the NIT, which was rather unfamiliar territory for Hawk fans before Alford came to town. It wasn't even until the 03/04 season that Alford was able to put together a winning record in Big Ten play.

Somewhere between their lucky late season run in 2001, the Pierce debacle, and their return back to the tournament I had gone from rooting for Iowa to general indifference. With his pompous arrogance, and lackluster coaching to back it up, Steve Alford had essentially ruined a team I used to love. When they entered the 2006 tournament with a 3 seed and their best season yet under Alford, I not only didn't care, I openly cheered for Northwestern State and was happy to see them nail the buzzer-beater, bouncing the Hawkeyes in the first round. This past season I took pleasure in watching Iowa lose over and over again. Anything to get Al"fraud" out of Iowa was good to me. Shortly after the season ended, the news I was hoping for came. Alford was leaving for New Mexico.

Amazingly there are still folks out there that liked Alford as Iowa's coach. For those folks I offer you the following facts and stats.

• In 8 seasons Alford was 152-105 with Iowa (.591 winning percentage)

• In 13 seasons Davis was 269-140 with Iowa (.658 winning percentage)

• Alford had 3 NIT bids and 3 NCAA bids (winning only once in the NCAA tourney)

• Davis had 2 NIT bids and 9 NCAA bids (never losing a single first round game in the NCAA tourney)

• Alford had 3 seasons out of 8 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Davis had 11 seasons out of 13 with a .500 or better record in the Big Ten

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Alford's tenure = 0

• Number of NBA Draft Picks during Davis' tenure = 12 (Brad Lohaus, Kevin Gamble, Jeff "The Vanilla Gorilla" Moe, B.J. Armstrong, Roy Marble, Ed Horton, Les Jepsen, Acie Earl, Russ Millard, Ricky Davis, Ryan Bowen, J.R. Koch)

To be fair with the draft picks, the rise in high school and international picks does play a little bit of a factor. But even Iowa State managed to have a few guys get drafted during Alford's time. The most he has to show for having a former Iowa player in the NBA is everyone's favorite nut-grabber, Reggie Evans.

So bring on the Todd Lickliter Era. It's been rough for me the last few years, but with this deserved war criminal finally exiled to Lobo country, I can finally end my self-imposed boycott of Iowa basketball and once again enjoy the team I grew up with.

Bartender Banter: Baseball in the AM

11:30 start today. That's always fun. Well Ted Lilly showed us that he was worth the money (at least for one start). Now we get to see how Jason Marquis will fare. My expectations are pretty low for him. Remember that an ERA below 6.00 this season would be consider an improvement. Last year Marquis faced Cincinnati only once, and lasted for only 2.2 innings, giving up 9 hits, 1 walk and 4 runs. Yeesh. Also Eric Milton Kyle Lohse, I'm getting the Thunder Matt HR trophy ready, just in case.

The Winds are Blowing
Well with the latest reports that the 2007 hurricane season is expected to be a busy one, rest assure that we'll be doing the Fantasy Hurricane League again this season. For those not familiar, check out these posts regarding last year's season. Last year El Nino ruined what promised to be a good season. I have higher hopes this year. Come on global warming, don't fail me now! Expect the draft results sometime in the coming weeks.

Check out the Newbies
It's been almost a year since our humble blog got it's start and it seems like yesterday we were pumping out our nonsensical posts with nary a reader who cared. Now, thanks to tireless networking with several other great blogs out there, we've developed a following that I can only estimate numbers in the 20's at this point. How far we've come (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song).

Anyway, now that we've got what some could possibly conceive as a genuine readership, I thought I'd help out some of the newer Cub blogs, who were much like us in our early days, just trying to get our voice heard (and by voice, I mean Ronald McDonald's drunken ramblings of course). So here's a quick plug for a few of the new guys out there.

Fire Lou Piniella!/Hire Jim Essian! - From the folks that brought you Fire Dusty Baker!, comes Fire Lou Piniella! and Hire Jim Essian! Don't be confused by the other Fire Dusty/Lou sites out there. This is the one that matters. It appears since they couldn't get a decent domain registered for Hire Lou that they'll be writing at Hire Jim mainly now. Be sure to check out their Bottom 126.

A Hundred Next Years - An aptly titled blog, with the Cubs approaching a century of no World Series ring. This site features thoughts and opinions from a lifelong Cub fan.

Lollygaggers - The most recent addition to the Cubs Blog Army, the guy known as Clute is one of the few that could be considered a regular customer of the Saloon and one of the first to regularly refer to Murton as 'Thunder Matt' on his site. Lollygaggers is one of only two blogs out there I know of that reference Bull Durham in their name.

Lost In the Ivy - Part of the Sweet Home Sports site, Lost In the Ivy provides some funny takes on the Cubs travails.

Wrigleyville23 - Despite only being up since November, Wrigleyville has already put up almost twice as many posts as we have here at TMS. Needless to say, you can expect new content up frequently.

Raise the W Flag - And lastly we bring you the newest of the new. Raise the W got of to their humble beginning just last month. I actually found them by doing a "Thunder Matt" search on Technorati. Anyone using the Thunder Matt nickname is always a friend in our book.

So if you have some time, be sure to give them all a read.

Pulling a Buzanis
We have a new term for you to add to your daily lexicon, and that term is "Pulling a Buzanis". Named for our incredibly aloof bartender Tommy Buzanis, who on several occasions has promised to write his first article for TMS over a weekend, only to disappoint us with his failure to come through on his word.

Just like your uncle that promised to take you to Chuck E. Cheese but instead got drunk, and wound up at the dog track instead. Or your buddy drinking half your pitcher of beer and then claiming "I'll get the next one," only to ditch out 5 minutes later. Or Axl Rose's periodic claims that Chinese Democracy is coming out soon, pulling a Buzanis can be a great disappointment for many. Hell it's even garnered it's very own t-shirt at the TMS store.

Yet as I write this, I am reminded that I'm pulling a Buzanis myself, by repeatedly saying that a "Steve Alford: War Criminal" column is coming soon, yet I haven't delivered. Honestly I wanted to have it done by now, but the baseball previews took more time than I thought they would. That and with Alford's move to New Mexico, the whole piece seemed to lose some of it's urgency. Anyway, I expect to have the column up......uh......soon.

Machine Gun Lilly Mows Down Reds

Dateline Cincinnati: Ted 'Machine Gun' Lilly made an impressive debut with the kids in red, white and blue on a blustery night in Cincinnati. Ted thrilled the mostly Caucasian Cincinnati crowd with his array of crazy pitches, mowing down the Reds batters execution style.

Machine Gun went 7 strong innings, striking out nine hapless Reds, keeping the same stone-faced expression throughout. Equally impressive was zany Cubs closer Ryan Dempster. The infamous clubhouse cutup worked a perfect ninth inning for a save as flawless as Thunder Matt's swing.

Alas, our own Thunder Matt was given some much needed rest and Cliff Floyd was given a rare start. Floyd was surprised by the starting nod, as last time he checked, he had some sort of injury or malady.

All in all, a great day for Cubs Nation. Start looking over your shoulder Pittsburgh. Here we come!

Billy Packer to 'Fag Out' on Sleepover at Tim Hardaway's House

Oh Billy Packer. You've always had a curious way with words now haven't you? While I do think that his transgression was probably fueled more by a poor and rather outdated vocabulary rather than menace, this is as good of a reason as any for CBS to fire him and promote everybody's favorite mama's boy, Gus Johnson.

Check out Gus' greatest hits from this year's tourney. Boom goes the dynamite.

Colin Cowherd's "Big Announcement"

Many of you ESPN Radio listeners will surely not be sleeping tonight in anticipation of the "Big Announcement" on Colin Cowherd's show tomorrow morning. While we at ThunderMatt don't really care enough to try to get a scoop on this potentially life-altering event, we can surmise that it will pertain to one of two things. Either his lackluster radio show will now be broadcast on ESPNNews ala Mike and Mike (or possibly a live webcast each day), or Cowherd will be awarded with a spot in the announcer's booth for college football games. Whichever this may be, rest assured that Colin will bask in his own self-importance, yet remind you that he is a "normal guy". For more on his wiles, I would kindly refer you to the Colin Cowherd Project on the left sidebar. Thank you for your time.