CCP: Let's Go 'Hang Out at the Track'

In one of his must insufferable rants, Colin today skewered Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca for what Cowherd assumes is a gross gambling problem. Yes, Lo Duca is in the process of a divorce, in which his wife has apparently submitted a petition to freeze some of their joint assets, presumably to avoid having Lo Duca blow the money at the horse track. "Hanging out at the track", according to Cowherd, is not the harmless good time it would imply, but is in fact the essence of moral decline in America. Admittedly speaking in "generalities", Colin proceeded to lecture his audience against those who "hang out at the track", equating them to the scourge of society, only one step above those who go to the dog track, and two steps above those who enjoy cockfighting.




Why am I getting picked on?





There are a bevy of flaws in this monologue, and we will detail three. Saying "I know I'm speaking in generalities here, but it's true" makes me want to stick a screwdriver in my temple. Webster's defines "generalizations" as "vague or inadequate statements". According to Cowherd then, vague and inadequate statements are true. Sigh....

Guys that "hang out at the track" are seedy individuals. Moises Alou and Michael Jordan must then be reprehensible people. Colin uses the example of Pete Rose and how "hanging out at the track" tainted his moral character. No, "hanging out at the track" was fine for Pete Rose, it was the whole "betting on baseball while playing and managing" that nailed him to the wall.

There's a big difference between guys who "hang out at the track" and those that bet on football and online. Really? Can you really generalize that? The contradictions to that statement are numerous, just ask this kid, or refer to the infamous Tocchet gambling ring, or note the rise in gambling addict hotline calls during March Madness. Note: No horses were harmed in bringing you these links. Now for the breakdown:

Was his topic/view informative?
Only if you're curious as to the happenings in Paul Lo Duca's personal life. -1
Did he dig a little deeper than just re-hashing the top story?
Probably, but it was certainly none of our business. Unless we're "hanging out at the track". -1
Did he give credence to the other side of the story?
No, and I'm sure he's not welcome to sit in on any Lo Duca marriage counseling sessions. -1
Did he use a fake voice?
12 minutes of the Pompous Ass voice. Does that count? -1
Did he repeat one thought/idea/analogy incessantly?
"Hanging out at the track". Upwards of 25 times. -1
Did he make an assumption or exaggerate to help prove his point?
The entire argument was based on generalizations and assumptions. -1
Did he contradict an earlier stance without saying he changed his mind?
Gambling is fine, but "hanging out at the track" apparently is not. -1
Did he alienate a good portion of his listening audience (like presumably over 30%)?
I'm not sure what percentage of his audience "hangs out at the track", but you can rest assured that they were offended. I'll dock him. -1

Final Score: 0 (out of 8) Astounding. At this point, I long for the days of his Pistons and Steelers bashing. At least those topics were timely and relevant.

Thunder Matt's Roundtable: Floyd Landis

So as a new feature, which may or may not reoccur, I’ve decided to convene a panel of athletes to discuss the major sports news of the day.

Governor Gray Davis (GGD): If you’re a red blooded American like me, nothing matters to you quite as much the integrity of the Tour de France. After a second positive test for high testosterone levels, which appear to be artificial, this year’s winner Floyd Landis seems to have cheated and may be stripped of his title.

Joining me to discuss are current and former MLB players Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, and Jason Grimsley - thanks for joining me guys.

So, it looks like Landis is a doper - any opening thoughts?

Jason Grimsley (JG): This guy took boatloads of testosterone. No way to get around that.

Mark McGwire (MM): On the advice of my attorney, I decline to answer that question.

GGD: Mark, you aren’t under oath.

MM: …

GGD: OK then…Jose, you’ve called out some of your former teammates about using performance enhancing drugs - care to comment?

Jose Canseco (JC): Well, I’ve personally injected Floyd Landis with these substances.

GGD: Jose, I have reliable evidence that not only did you not inject him with drugs, you’ve never even met him.

JC: You’re mistaken.

Barry Bonds (BB): Can I jump in here?

GGD: Of course Barry, go ahead…

BB: I believe Floyd when he says he didn’t take anything. This is just the media enjoying his fall. I mean, he doesn’t exhibit any of the signs - sudden weight gain , drastic increase in physical abilities, feelings of persecution, an enormous head, or…uh, crap - I think I better go…

(Barry leaves, ripping his shirt, turning green, and punching a hole in the wall on the way out)

GGD: We haven’t heard from you yet Mr. Palmeiro.

Rafael Palmeiro (RP): (wagging finger) I’ve never taken steroids, I have too much respect for the game.

GGD: We’re talking about Floyd Landis, not you Mr. Palmeiro.

RP: (finger still wagging) This is a witch hunt. I don’t have to stand for this.

GGD: Right…OK, its been a stimulating discussion guys - any parting thoughts?

JC: I’ve also injected Governor Gray Davis with steroids.

GGD: No you haven’t Jose - Mark?

MM: On advice of counsel, I decline to answer that question.

GGD: Yeah…Rafael?

RP: (wagging his finger faster than before, staring down Governor Gray Davis, but saying nothing).

GGD: Jason?

JG: Boatloads.

GGD: OK, thanks to all of my guests for joining me today. We hope you’ll read the next edition of Thunder Matt’s Roundtable.

CCP: Man-up You Sally Bitch!

Colin threw sports to the wind today, and decided to talk about televisions for 12 agonizing minutes. Apparently the poor sap can't decide what new television to buy. Claiming he's an Average Joe just like the rest of us, he detailed his trip to the electronics store over the weekend, where he debated the plausibility of dropping upwards of $3,000 on a new HD or plasma idiot box. Ah, what a problem for the Average Joe to have. It sure makes "paying the bills" or "assuring the children have a college fund" look like cake. This subject really spoke to us all I'm sure.

Cowherd then rants on all of the extra warranty and surge protection garbage, etc. that the TV salesman tries to add on to your purchase. A solid 10 minutes of his monologue is dedicated to comparing a television purchase to that of an automobile. This I totally understand; last time I bought a TV, the dealer continued low-balling me on my trade-in. I ended up selling it just a shade below the Bluebook price in my yard to an old lady who was only going to use it for the local news and Wheel of Fortune. Man, did I work her over.

My point is, instead of complaining about how difficult it is to buy a new TV, grow a pair and take care of it like a man. Do a little research on the Internet. One hour should suffice. You could even spread that time out into three 20-minute increments and have a new television this week.

On to the analysis:

Was his topic/view informative?
No, it wasn't even sports-related. -1
Did he dig a little deeper than just re-hashing the top story?
He harped on something that no one cared to hear on a Monday morning. I have no time for this. -1
Did he give credence to the other side of the story?
No, he did not tell of the plight of the commissioned salesman. Even though I hate them too, I cannot in good conscience let this stand. -1
Did he use a fake voice?
Amazingly, no.
Did he repeat one thought/idea/analogy incessantly?
Yes, he kept comparing the warranty and surge protection to getting rust-coating on a new car. Just stop. -1
Did he make an assumption or exaggerate to help prove his point?
Well, he assumed that all or most of his listeners have been through this process. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say they haven't. Some of them can't relate, and some have their own problems to worry about, they don't want to hear yours. They tune you in for the news, not Consumer Reports. -1
Did he contradict an earlier stance without saying he changed his mind?
I can't tell if he ever took a stance on anything here, unless "buying a new TV is annoying" is a stance. -1
Did he alienate a good portion of his listening audience (like presumably over 30%)?
It's highly likely that a lot of people tuned him out today. -1

Final Score: 1 (out of 8) Good God man, cover a sports story tomorrow.

New Layout

Well, as mentioned in a post on friday, something happened with our template and we were forced to revert back to an old template I had saved. I checked around and couldn't remember where I got the template I used to make the newest layout. So instead I just started from scratch with this one. Its not drastically different from the old one, but I did move things around a bit.

So once again, check out the new design of TMS.

Old Layout

So, something happened and our template was completely jacked up. I've reverted back to our old template for the time being, but unfortunately it means that any links I added to the sidebar after I switched to the new layout have been lost. It probably won't be until Monday before I can begin work on getting the layout back to where I had it. Sorry for the inconvenience and to those who's sites aren't currently linked by us. We will get them back up in a couple days.

CCP: Veering Into Oncoming Traffic

Cowherd's rant today was so boring and generalized that I almost purposely wrapped my car around a telephone pole on the PCH. Of course, I had no open bottles of tequila or Jew hatred in my car, so my death would have been as pointless as Colin's monologue. Essentially, he argued that the Dodgers and Yankees are on fire since they made moves at the trade deadline, and the Angels and Red Sox are floundering as they did not. These are apparently logical conclusions to be drawn from a three game sample size. Anyway, the abbreviated analysis:

Was his topic/view informative?
Nope. Nothing we didn't already know. The Red Sox and Angels didn't make a big move at the deadline? What? You're kidding me. That was Tuesday's news. -1
Did he dig a little deeper than just re-hashing the top story?
He didn't exactly tackle any new territory here. I'll dock him for un-originality. -1
Did he give credence to the other side of the story?
He discussed both sides of the trade story, but he didn't look at the trades of recent memory that failed. -1
Did he use a fake voice?
Unfortunately, no.
Did he repeat one thought/idea/analogy incessantly?
Yes, that big teams make moves and "hot" prospects suck. His same old line we've heard a million times. -1
Did he make an assumption or exaggerate to help prove his point?
Yeah, by looking at a three game sample size and drawing general conclusions that could very well be disproven in a week. -1
Did he contradict an earlier stance without saying he changed his mind?
I'm leaving the door open on this one. Like when the Red Sox win the division and he has to swallow his pride (I am not a Red Sox fan). -1
Did he alienate a good portion of his listening audience (like presumably over 30%)?
He certainly angered his Boston and Orange County listeners, but not brutally. I'll let this one go.

Final Score: 2 (out of 8) That's right about where we would expect him on any given day. If only he could have thrown in a crappy impersonation.

Thunder Matt busts out the Quad-Pow

Any doubts on whether Thunder Matt reads our stuff were quashed yesterday. Just a day after I spoke about his lack of extra base hits, Murton busted off 4 doubles and 5 RBI's in game 2 of the doubleheader against Arizona. He's the first Cub to hit 4 doubles in a game since Billy Williams back in 1969.

Lets look at the stats real quick. Murton is now batting .294 and since the All Star Break he's hit a robust .395. I think its about time Thunder Matt officially regained the full-time starting role at LF and Angel Pagan stays on the bench.

War Criminal Special Edition: Mother Nature

Greg Maddux made his Dodger debut tonight and took a no-hitter through six innings...then the god damned rains came. Maddux would not return after the forty six minute delay.

Maddux has never thrown a no-hitter, and nothing would have better illustrated how lopsided this trade was in favor of LA like Mad Dog throwing a no-hitter in his first start in Dodger Blue.

So go to hell Mother Nature and take your friggin "rain" with you.

CCP: We Need to Quit Coddling These Guys

I'm gearing up for a doubleheader with Ron and Pat, where the Cubs will again showcase a rookie SP, this time Juan Mateo, fresh out of AA. That's Double A, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Anyway, I'll keep this brief.

Today Cowherd tackled the subject of NFL training camps, and how the intensity of practices in brutally hot weather is being lightened across the league. He proceeded to explain how these athletes are already at elite status in their profession, and are more motivated by rewards rather than by being "toughened up" in preparation for the season; the carrot on a stick rather than the whip if you will. Mark Cuban babies his players, and they respond. Tom Coughlin is tough on his players, Colin surmizes, and many of them don't like him for it. For the most part, I agreed with Colin in that times and motivations have changed between say 1968 and now. But isn't that obvious, especially in light of the Korey Stringer incident five years ago? Anyway, on to the breakdown:

Was his topic/view informative?
Not really. His stance was already pretty obvious, even to the casual sports fan. And he made sweeping generalizations. -1
Did he dig a little deeper than just re-hashing the top story?
Well, he didn't really do any digging, but it was a slow news day. I won't dock him.
Did he give credence to the other side of the story?
Well, the players might not like Tom Coughlin, but are his methods effective? Look at his track record: His Jacksonville teams made it to the AFC Championship game (but lost) in 1996 and 1999. 1995 was Jacksonville's first year in the league, and he was their first head coach. He turned them into strong Super Bowl contenders in one year. Sandwiched between those years were a Wild Card game appearance in 1997 and a
Divisional Championship game in 1998. He went to the NY Giants in 2004, and led them to a Wild Card game appearance the next year. I would say his methods work. -1
Did he use a fake voice?
Well, kind of. He made a half-hearted attempt at a Louie Anderson impersonation. I mean, Christ, Louie Anderson? Even if he was spot-on, he still needs to get docked. -1
Did he repeat one thought/idea/analogy incessantly?
His analogy was the carrot vs. the stick. Or something. It didn't drive me crazy though, so he survives unscathed.
Did he make an assumption or exaggerate to help prove his point?
Yes, heavy in assumptions. Bobby Knight might be rough on his players, but it undeniably worked in the '80's. -1
Did he contradict an earlier stance without saying he changed his mind?
Not that I could tell, but we'll be on the lookout for his eventual change in position.
Did he alienate a good portion of his listening audience (like presumably over 30%)?
No, the topic was pretty mild.

Final Score: 4 (out of 8). Mediocrity again reigns on the airwaves.

Bartender Banter: Delicate Sound of Thunder

I didn't watch last night's 9-3 win over the D-backs. I was busy with other things and wasn't able to see it. Which is too bad because a) I missed Rich Hill's first major league win, and b) Thunder Matt went yard. Murton's 5th homer of the season was his first since Memorial Day. One has to wonder at this point what's going on. This is the same redheaded manchild who last season hit 7 homers in 140 AB's, or roughly half of what he's had thus far this season. We here at the Saloon still love Thunder Matt. We just were hoping for a little more 'thunder' is all. I guess we can take solace in the fact that his bat has woken up a little, as he finished up July hitting .360 on the month. Now if he could just translate those hits into extra bases, we may have something again. Of course his lackluster June at the plate must still be fresh in Dusty's mind, since he still gets benched for Devil Christian and Phat Bastard Phil.

Cedeno moves to 2B
So for the next few days Ronny will be practicing his foot and glove work from 2B as they prepare for his move to the new position following the recent acquisition of Cesar! Izturis. Of course this means we'll be subjected to Neifi at 2B for the rest of the week. While defensively a middle infield duo of Cesar! and Cedeno is solid, offensively we're not real impressed, especially with Cedeno. While I wish Ronny could figure things out at the plate, its likely not going to happen with the incompetent hitting coaches the Cubs currently have. So hopefully next year one of two things happens. Either the coaching staff is fired and we get some guys that can help the young hitters like Ronny and Thunder Matt improve. Or we sign a new 2B from free agency.

Izturis is not Neifi
Flash all the stat comparisions you want at me. I don't care. Cesar! Izturis is NOT another Neifi Perez. People actually like Cesar! Nobody except for Dusty likes Neifi. Nobody would start Neifi on their team except for Dusty, nor would they want him on their roster. Other teams would start Cesar! I could go on, but I've reached my quota of sweeping, subjective generalities.



Cesar! (at left) is what a real shortstop looks like. Neifi, doesn't look like this. Please, stop with the comparisons.






Uni Watch Moron Bashes Santo
So Paul Lucas, who regularly writes a column for ESPN.com's Page 2 about different uniform styles (reason #112 why ESPN has gone in the shitter), recently wrote in his Uni Watch blog about how horrible of an announcer Ron Santo is. Here's what he had to say.

"I know we're all supposed to feel sorry for Santo, what with the diabetes and the amputations (insert pants/stirrups joke here), along with the Hall of Fame snub. But seriously, is there a bigger embarrassment on the airwaves than this guy? Has there

ever been? Can't even imagine what it must be like to have to listen to this hokum on a daily basis."

The folks over at Goat Riders have been all over this. The reaction seems to be just about the same as the city of San Diego's when Ron Burgundy said to "go fuck themselves". Famine from Goat Riders put it best when he said, "While it's generally just good fun to make fun of the limbless, it's not alright to make fun of our limbless."

"Nobody talks about our Ron Santo that way! Paul Lucas is a dead man!"

Chris on Pace to Become First '06 Hurricane
TMS Fantasy Hurricane League

While Tropical Storm Beryl was pretty lackluster, Tropical Storm Chris is showing signs of reaching hurricane status. Chris looks to bring his fury on to the Bahamas in the coming days. I know the Governor is anxiously awaiting what will become of his first round pick.

CCP: A Reprieve From Colin

Colin Cowherd was not to be found on your radio dial this morning. And the villagers rejoiced. It can only be assumed that Colin was a) flying back to the city/corporation of Bristol, Conn. from his venture to Wrigley Field, or b) he was massively hungover from said venture. Filling in for Colin on his show today was John Kincade, a radio personality from Atlanta, and a frequent contributor to The Herd's "Spanning the Globe" segment.

As I have nothing against John Kincade, I will not be rating the monologue today. I will, however, tell you that it made me cringe. John had decided to discuss the use of religion at sporting events, primarily baseball. His particular focus was on a recent "Faith Day" held at Turner Field in Atlanta, where after the afternoon game, fans had the option of purchasing a separate ticket to stay in the ballpark where John Smoltz led the fans in a small Christian faith rally. Obviously the discussion then evolved into questions of where we draw the line on the appropriateness of preaching Christian ideals to others, how we should treat all religions equally (a Muslim faith rally at Turner Field anyone?), and how these matters should be kept behind clubhouse and office doors, rather than targeting the Christian market. Basically, it's not the kind of light conversation you want to start out with on your way to a busy day at work.

Though this subject is not the ideal one to begin a day with, it is a valid topic to discuss. My main beef was how Kincade went about presenting it, where he beat around the bush for the first five minutes and how he intentionally yet sarcastically made it sound like he was going to preach his religious beliefs to the audience. He made his point, but I'm sure he lost a lot of listeners in the process. I'll cross my fingers for a less sobering monologue tomorrow.

Weekends With Mel

This will be my last post until after the weekend, as the rest of the week I have a band of hooligans and former Crips taking residence on my couch.

Beers will be consumed, chest hair will be exposed, frat guys will be ridiculed, bands will be discussed, women will be oogled, twenties will be broken, farts will be deadly, Ron Burgandy quotes will be made, naps will be taken, DVDs will go half watched, toilets will be clogged, the 'one cover charge' per night rule will be in effect, juke box selections will be haggled over, Cubs games will be attended, iTunes will be put on shuffle, hangovers will be reluctantly tolerated, and deep, meaningful conversations will be forgotten the next day thanks to that 'one more' tequila shot.

That being said, on Saturday the Cubs will be facing off against the Pirates and I'll be in the bleachers. I'm certainly open to any 'Chris Duffy heckle suggestions' anyone may have. He seems like he would be a relatively easy target to fluster. Like preying on a sick gazelle.

Colin Cowherd Invades Wrigley

Before we start with our daily analysis, a quick unfortunate bit of news must be relayed. Apparently Colin Cowherd is going to attend the game at Wrigley tonight. Please throw things at him if you see him, as I will be unable to. To the left is a picture to refresh your memory.

This morning's monologue was somewhat enlightening, but flawed. Colin kicked it off by telling us that we should not make a big deal out of Chase Utley's hitting streak, or any other ballplayer that may in the future push for DiMaggio's record of 56 games. Though the 56 game mark is widely considered one of the most unbreakable record in all of sports, Colin proceeded to tell us how he didn't think it was that big of a deal, and would be broken soon. He then brough up a number of streak and records he considered more impressive, among them John Wooden's 88 game winning streak at UCLA, Ripken's consecutive games played mark, and Wilt Chamberlain's career rebound average.

Now, we all know that the National League is in a miserable funk compared to the American League. What really drove me nuts today was the extent of the NL/AL divide in the mind of Cowherd. He stated on two occasions that an NL batter could go 6 or 7 consecutive series without facing an "ace" pitcher, so an NL hitter like Utley would have a greater advantage over any random AL hitter. Well, we at TMS have some statistics that do not necessarily back up this claim. According to MLB.com, through July 31, the composite NL batting average was .266, while the AL average was .275. For the ERA in each league, the NL chimed in with 4.57, and the AL at 4.60. As you can see, these statistics between the two leagues are so miniscule, one cannot make a blanket statement that any given player from one league stands a better chance at breaking a record than any given player out of the other league. Regardless of league, if a player can put together another 56 game hitting streak, he is an absolute stud and has accomplished something that few have even sniffed in the sport. For the record, in the modern era, the second-best mark belongs to Pete Rose at 44 games.

Was his topic/view informative?
No, it was merely an outlying opinion with no substance. -1
Did he dig a little deeper than just re-hashing the top story?
Well, at least he didn't harp on the lackluster trading deadline from Monday, so I won't dock him.
Did he give credence to the other side of the story?
He did not research how incredibly difficult a 56 game streak would be, and made blanket statements about the difference between the NL and AL. -1
Did he use a fake voice?
Unfortunately, no, therefore I cannot take a point off.
Did he repeat one thought/idea/analogy incessantly?
I can't really say that he did, and he did bring up some other amazing streaks.
Did he make an assumption or exaggerate to help prove his point?
Yes, undeniably. -1
Did he contradict an earlier stance without saying he changed his mind?
Not that I could tell, although if anyone does break 56 games someday, he has no legs to stand on.
Did he alienate a good portion of his listening audience (like presumably over 30%)?
No, he just sounded dumb to any knowledgable baseball fan.

Final Score: 5 (out of 8), though the stupidity of his NL/AL statements is incalculable.