Aubrey Huff traded to Houston

After years of trade deadline rumors coming and going, Aubrey Huff was finally relinquished from his baseball purgatory better known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The Drays dished him off to the Houston Astros for two minor leaguers, some cash, and a sack of Funyuns.

Welcome to Houston Aubrey! Until something opens up you can share a room with our trainer Gus!

All Star Break Wrapup

Well another All Star Game is in the books, and yet again the AL came out on top. Here's some quick notes about the game.

Brad Penny's 2-inning stretch was just phenomenal to watch. Penny blazed fastball after fastball topping out at 98-99 several times. Only the freak of nature Vlad Guerrero got anything off of him, taking a fastball that would've been over my head, to the right field seats. Lets just hope for Dodger fans' sake that Penny didn't destroy his arm doing it.

Tim McCarver. Just brutal. I don't know how many times I got a brain cramp trying to comprehend what the hell he was babbling about. Tim had some dandies early on too. At one point he said Brad Penny's fastballs were like "Mark Wahlberg....catch me if you can." Huh? This one still frickin' baffles me. Was he meaning Leonardo DiCaprio who starred in Catch Me If You Can? Was he referring to Mark Wahlberg's character running on the football field in the preview to the new movie "Invincible", which was shown about as many times as the promo for the next hit drama on Fox, "Vanished"?

Another dandy from McCarver came when he exclaimed that if they left Penny in for the full 9 innings, he could throw 20 strikeouts. Seriously? How is this moron allowed to talk in public? Look asswipe, its plainly obvious that Penny, who normally tops out at 94 mph on the radar gun, knew he would only pitch 2 innings of work so he just unloaded with nothing but heaters. After that I tried my best to tune him out or else risk suffering irreversible brain trauma.

Well its official. After two days of ESPN and Fox drooling all over David Wright every chance they got, I officially have a man-crush on him.

Did anyone tell Troy Glaus that he was in the All Star Game and he was allowed to smile a few times? Even in the home run derby he looked like he was about to file his taxes or something. Lighten up Troy!

Feel free to skewer me on this, but can we just stop with the "God Bless America" in the 7th inning schtick? Fine if you want to call me an unpatriotic asshole but last time I checked we usually honor our country before the game with the "Star Spangled Banner". Is it just a reaffirmation to show how "American" we all are? Or is it to weed out potential terrorists that may have shown up at the game late? Either way, it destroys the flow of the game. Would you interrupt a boxing match after round 7 to say the Pledge of Allegiance? I know it was the All Star Game but that crap happens in the frickin' regular season and playoffs too. "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at least keeps the crowd pumped up for baseball. Just stop already.

Oh and the AL frickin' won, which sucks balls because now we have to listen to every sports radio douchebag drone on today about how dominant the AL is over the NL. Really? Is that why it took until 9th inning to pull ahead for the 3-2 victory? All those superstar sluggers in the AL looked great against that wimpy NL pitching.....oh wait, aside from Vlad, your precious Yankee and Red Sox sluggers all looked like fools caught with their wang in their hand at the plate. If the NL had pulled it out we'd probably hear about them making a resurgance and how the leagues have evened out. But alas, why does the NL even bother. I mean, the way it seems we should just have a Yankees-Red Sox World Series every year since those are the only two teams that obviously matter. What? No I'm not bitter, not bitter at all.

And lastly, everyone, just stop with the "ideas to improve the All Star Game". The home-field advantage rule is retarded enough. But then I read this article saying they should switch to a USA vs. World format since the AL always wins. What? Did that guy really think at all before coming up with that? First off, MLB wouldn't go for it. The USA couldn't win against single countries in the WBC, so why would they pit them against all those countries combined? And secondly, you think the AL-NL is lop-sided? What the hell do you think the outcome of a USA vs. the World matchup would look like? I'm not sure how many guys you noticed last night that have a Latin sounding name but A-Rod and Nomar would be the only few on the American team. Just looking at this year's All Stars this is what a World team might look like.

C - Ivan Rodriguez
1B - Albert Poopholes, David Ortiz
2B - Jose Lopez
3B - Miguel Cabrera
SS - Jose Reyes, Miguel Tejada, Edgar Renteria
OF - Vlad Guerrero, Manny Ramirez, Ichiro Suzuki, Jason Bay, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Andruw Jones, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee
P - Johan Santana, Francisco Liriano, Mariano Rivera, Jose Contreras, Pedro Martinez, Carlos Zambrano

Who wants to face that team? Also switching to this format would absolutely destroy fan voting. Would fans be as eager to vote for Poopholes or Big Papi if it meant they would play for the World team? Hell I'd be casting all my votes for Neifi Perez at shortstop if it were this way.

The All Star Game is fine how it is. Please, just stop with the gimmicks.

Non-News of the Day

As my soul brothers at Dodgerblues.com put it, "The sun rises. There's gridlock on the 405. And Eric Gagne is done for the season." Knock me over with a feather...

Somehow Monsieur Gagne suffered a herniated disk while on the DL for his disintegrating elbow.

As quickly as he rose from crappy AAA starter, Gagne has plummeted back down to earth. The guy who two years ago couldn't fart without picking up a save can't move now without further injuring himself. Though I enjoyed watching him in his prime not only as a Dodger fan, but as a baseball fan, looking back now one has to wonder if he was on something. A half-assed junkballer bulks up, starts throwing in the high 90s and then mysteriously when MLB starts testing for steroids, his body starts literally falling apart. Gagne's short life span reinforces my view that closers are a dime a dozen, but thats another rant for another day.

Not to be outdone, Kerry Wood suffered a torn rotator cuff and will be out for the season. A few years ago, this kid looked like the next Nolan Ryan. Now who knows what will become of him. One thing is certain, if he is ever to pitch again, the Cubs had damn sure better not rush him back. Good luck with that as long as Dusty Baker is the manager though...

Anti-All Star Team Revisited: Part Two

Two months ago I put together a two-part series naming my early selections for the Anti-All Star Team. You can check out the AL team here, and NL here. Granted that was only after a month's worth of games, and some of the early ballot favorites have snapped out of their funk, some have not. Now as we've reached the close of the real All-Star voting, I thought we'd go back and tweak our AAS lineup, as we assemble a fresh crop of pure craptitude.

I covered the NL the other week. Today we tackle the AL. Once again joining me, is fellow Saloon member Brant Brown, to offer his insight.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

FIRST BASE - Travis Lee, TB - .197, 4 HR, 13 RBI

Brant: Once upon a time, there was a great debate going on between who would be the better rookie 1B; Travis Lee or Todd Helton. We’ve had our answer for quite a while now. If all else fails, Travis Lee and Ben Grieve will always be able to find employment with the Devil Rays.

Chip: How is this guy still starting? Couldn't Tampa play Huff at 1B and platoon Wigginton and Branyan at 3B? Or move one of their 26 promising young outfielders they seem to have, especially if it means getting the hot-tempered Delmon Young up to The Show once and for all? Oh and check out that pic of Travis. Would you trust that guy around your kids? Didn't think so. He looks like a deranged Tom Hanks, circa "Bosom Buddies"

SECOND BASE - Mark Ellis, OAK - .219, 3 HR, 13 RBI

Brant: Not that Ellis is a star by any means, but no one expected him to be quite this rotten. A .219 average is not conducive to the logic of Moneyball.

Chip: Nor is a .288 OBP. Oakland fans are beginning to resent him. Not for his poor play, but for getting injured, thus forcing them to endure a full month of Marco Scutaro.

THIRD BASE - Aubrey Huff, TB - .283, 8 HR, 28 RBI

Brant: Good luck trading Huff off dumbasses! Should have done that at least two years ago and gotten some value out of him.

Chip: What a butthole. I picked the players for this team two weeks ago, back when he was hitting below .240 with only 4 HR. Now look what the guy has done. Perhaps this will improve his trade value for Tampa and they can pawn him off next month.

SHORTSTOP - Russ Adams - .229, 3 HR, 24 RBI

Brant: Um, Toronto has been so miffed at his lack of production that they moved Troy Glaus to SS. Troy Glaus does not have incredible range, to say the least.

Chip: Russ is feeling dejected, especially when he couldn't get the domain name he wanted for his own personal website

CATCHER - A.J. Pierzynski, CWS - .320, 6 HR, 29 RBI

Chip: Yeah, so we originally had Toby Hall picked here, but the Devil Rays decided to fleece the Dodgers and dump little Toby along with Mark Hendrickson for an up and coming catcher in Dioner Navarro, and Jae Seo, who isn't great, but should still be better than Hendrickson. So instead I will make one last bitter jab at my most hated player of the moment. How? How did this ass-clown win the Final Vote? Seriously a "Punch AJ" campaign is the reason behind this crap? Speaking of which, I really liked how MLB.com made a big to-do and wrote an article on "Punch AJ", meanwhile other Final Vote candidates didn't get a whiff of recognition. Nice job MLB. You helped an unworthy catcher get the final spot on the All-Star Team while guys like Jorge Posada, Victor Martinez, Kenji Johjima, and Michael Barrett get to watch at home. Seriously, look at this, and explain to me why AJ deserved to be on that final ballot over those other three. F' that guy.

OUTFIELD - Brian Anderson, CWS - .192, 5 HR, 20 RBI

Brant: When the Sox traded Rowand for Thome, they figured they could make due with Anderson as their CF. Unfortunately, no one told Anderson that he had to participate. Hey, you guys want Juan Pierre? You can have him for .30 cents on the dollar.

Chip: He hasn't even played well enough to be the most notable Brian Anderson in the league. At least Ozzie knows that when his CF is struggling at the plate you don't have to keep batting him at lead-off.

OUTFIELD - Rondell White, MIN - .182, 0 HR, 15 RBI

Brant: With Shannon Stewart coming back, and the glut of young OF in Minnesota, Rondell White and his knees will soon be relegated to the bench, or removed entirely from the roster. There isn’t even enough room for this guy to be the DH, which is his only “natural” position. He should have been put out to pasture long ago.

Chip: There are only 3 frickin' teams left in Major League Baseball that still play on artificial turf. Why would Rondell White and his papier-mâché knees sign with one of them? He should fire his agent.

OUTFIELD - Luis Matos, BAL - .207, 2 HR, 5 RBI

Brant: – Matos has been vastly outplayed by Corey Patterson. That makes me sick.

Chip: Matos was designated for assignment last week. Forget being outplayed by Patterson. Matos couldn't even keep a spot on a team that now starts both Jeff Conine and Nick Markakis in the outfield.

That wraps it up. Enjoy the real All-Star Game. Go National League!

This guy voted for Pierzynski

Bartender Banter: All-Star Selections

Well the All-Star rosters have been released. All in all they're not horrible. I don't have my thoughts organized well enough for a full-fledged article so here are some rambling notes instead.

• OK I can live with Michael Barrett not being a catcher for the NL (People must've thought Mike Piazza still plays for the Mets under the alias Paul Lo Duca), but they could've at least thrown him on the Final Vote ballot. Which leads me to my next point.


• How the H did our favorite White Trash Backstop, A.J. Pierzynski get on the AL Final Vote ballot? The number of talented catchers in both leagues is incredibly lop-sided right now, with the AL greatly tipping the scales. Pudge and Mauer were picked to the AL roster, which no one can really argue, but to have A.J. on the Final Vote ballot while other catchers like Jorge Posada, Kenji Johjima and Victor Martinez are completely snubbed is ridiculous. Ramon Hernandez deserves to be on the Final Vote ballot. A.J. could've been left off for Jason Giambi. Guillen already picked 6 White Sox for the roster, we don't need a 7th.


• Speaking of Ozzie Guillen, he's this year's recipient of the Cito Gaston Memorial "Complete Homer" Award for picking Bobby Jenks to the pitching staff. Wouldn't it be great if it was late in the game and Ozzie opts to put in Jenks over Mo Rivera or the Papelboner?


• Seriously is anyone still arguing that we should keep the rule that requires an All-Star representative from each team? When Mark Redman goes to parties now, will he introduce himself as "2006 All-Star Mark Redman"?


• I can't say for sure, but I'm gonna guess that everyone pretty much has the same response to seeing Gary Matthews' name on the roster. "Wait, is that for real?" I for one, had no idea he was hitting that well this season. This is the same guy who was hitting .200 for the Cubs 5 years ago and was barely hanging on to a backup OF gig. Good for him I guess. I got nothing against the Son of Sarge. He's my early favorite for the Melvin Mora Trophy, which goes to the player whose career unexpectedly blossoms after his 30th birthday.


• After reading all the analysis and watching all the reports, my predicted score for the ASG: American League 24, National League 2.


• Lastly, as people scurry to stuff all the ballots they can for the Final Vote. Thunder Matt's Saloon would like to announce they are endorsing Travis Hafner and Chris Capuano as their Final Vote picks. Hafner should be on this team, no doubt about it, and while Nomar has played good enough that he should probably be in, we here at TMS cannot endorse a known war criminal. Therefore we're going with the Chris "the Cub Killer" Capuano. Chris has gone 4-0 in 5 starts against us dating back to last season. He's struck out 25 in 35.1 innings of work in that span and has posted an ERA just a hair above 2.00. To steal a quote from Wes Mantooth, “I hate you more than anyone else on Earth, Chris Capuano. But damn it, I respect you!”

An Early Independence Day Surprise

Lets all just take our minds off baseball for a second and enjoy a different slice of Americana. The brand new, recently released video from America's, no scratch that, the world's favorite recording star. Please watch it in it's entirety, because right when you think it can't get any more bizarre, it does. From this day forward, let 'Jump In My Car' become the new National Anthem. Watch it here.

Anti-All Star Team Revisited

Almost two months ago I put together a two-part series naming my early selections for the Anti-All Star Team. You can check out the AL team here, and NL here. Granted that was only after a month's worth of games, and some of the early ballot favorites have snapped out of their funk, some have not. Now as we've reached the close of the real All-Star voting, I thought we'd go back and tweak our AAS lineup, as we assemble a fresh crop of pure craptitude.

Joining me this time is fellow Saloon member, Brant Brown to offer his two cents to the cause.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

FIRST BASE - Lance Niekro, SF - .255, 4 HR, 26 RBI

Brant: J.T. Snow could put up these numbers.

Chip: The rapper Snow could put up these numbers.

SECOND BASE - Kazuo Matsui, COL - .200, 1 HR, 7 RBI

Brant: Fantastic job by Matsui of cheating the New York Mets out of money. At least this proves that not all Japanese stars can pan out in the Majors. Oh wait, Hideki Irabu taught us that. If Hideki Matsui felt obligated to apologize for breaking his wrist during a game, then this guy must be suicidal. Talk about dishonoring your country. Shame.

Chip: Wow, this guy when he's not hurt, is making more than half of the entire Marlins payroll to basically play in AAA.

THIRD BASE - The corpse of Vinny Castilla, SD - .237, 3 HR, 20 RBI

Brant: He sucked in RFK last year. What in the world would make Padres management think that this guy could hit in Petco Park? Yet he’s the kind of player that will hang around and end up swindling another team out of a chunk of cash next year. It defies logic. The only possible reasoning behind signing this guy must be the immense respect across MLB for the big-league cut.

Chip: I don't think there's another player whose career has benefitted greater from the "Coors Factor" than Castilla. This is his 16th season in the bigs. 8 have been in Colorado, 6 of which he hit for 30+ homers and 90+ RBI. Impressive yes, except he's never reached those marks when playing anywhere else. Well I guess if you combine his totals in 2001 with Tampa Bay and Houston he had 91 RBI. Nonetheless, this guy is pretty worthless now.

SHORTSTOP - Clint Barmes, COL - .209, 3 HR, 41 RBI

Brant: Well, you can’t blame his poor performance on the deer meat incident from last year. It’s amazing that a guy could hit under .250 playing half of his games in Coors Field.

Chip: Yeah .209 is pretty brutal. Sadly though his 41 RBI is only one less than current Cubs RBI leader Aramis Ramirez. I wanted to put Furcal in here, but his defense and steals kept him off the roster.

CATCHER - Jason LaRue, CIN - .178, 4 HR, 11 RBI

Brant: It’s amazing that this guy still has a job in the Majors. They just don’t grow good catchers anymore.

Chip: What can you really say? Here's what Chaim Witz said about him a few weeks ago: "Jason LaRue: I mean, really, Jason LaRue? I had previously thought he retired in the late 90's, but I must have confused him with one of the other vanilla, faceless catchers who stay around based on their ability to 'call a game'. That .171 batting average will not get you laid."

OUTFIELD - Chris Duffy, PIT - .194, 0 HR, 4 RBI

Brant: This kid has a thing or two to learn about baseball. He got hit in the head by Schilling in spring training and basically bitched to the media about Schilling afterward, to which Schilling replied, “Who’s Chris Duffy?” Then he goes AWOL when he gets assigned to the minors, like a baby, and takes a break from the game to “get his head straight”. Basically this kid has a combination of Rich Hill disease and Zack Greinke disease. The only cure is to grow a pair of balls.

Chip: Chris decided to create the sequel to "Operation Shutdown". We'll see if OSII has a happier ending. Operation Shutdown III is in pre-production and is to star Treat Williams as a down-on-his-luck cop, trying to clean up a city full of corruption. Look for it next month on Cinemax.

OUTFIELD - Juan Pierre - .252, 1 HR, 12 RBI

Brant: When the Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, it was assumed that he would steal upwards of 50 bases. What the Cubs failed to realize is that in order for this to happen, Pierre must first get on base. Sadly, the Cubs appear to be stuck with Pierre’s ineptitude for the remainder of the year.

Chip: Jesus, the one spot in the lineup Dusty doesn't tinker with when he probably should. And the next person that blames his struggles on the taller grass in Wrigley gets stabbed in the jaw.

OUTFIELD - Reggie Abercrombie - .218, 3 HR, 14 RBI

Brant: – I’m not sure that I’ve even seen this kid on a highlight reel. All I can be sure of is that he stands on the dugout steps with his shirt off during batting practice, as obnoxiously loud hip-hop music plays over the stadium PA system.

Chip: I knew nothing about him when he made the AAS Team last time. Since then he's done nothing to change that. Also I still hate Abercrombie & Fitch.

I'll be back later for the American League.....

Ri-COCK-ulous Part 2

Well we're about 30 minutes from game 1 of the Cubs-White Sox series at Wrigley. Not much to say here. At this point, for me, a series sweep of these buttholes would pretty much make my season (since there's not a snowball's chance in hell we're making it to the playoffs). And if we can't get the sweep, then my next wish is for an epic brawl involving a pileup on the mound that would rival the basebrawl in the Naked Gun. I wish we had Farnsworth still. Not for the bullpen but just to watch him body slam some poor schmuck from the White Sox just because he could. Who was that guy he annihilated from the Royals a few years ago? I'm rambling...

Today's matchup is Jon Garland versus Sean Marshall. Last time I talked about Marshall and gave him a glowing endorsement he got shellacked. I'll refrain from it this time around. But Jon Garland, the truth is in the numbers. His stats at Wrigley are less than stellar. He's given up 19 homers this season which is 4th worst in the majors. He averages 1.27 HR/start. Now that I've mentioned this I'm sure the bastard will throw a CGSHO on us. Lets hope not. Oh and good luck to Phat Bastard Nevin today, as he makes his 5th start at LF, while Thunder Matt rides the pine. I'm sure his .228 AVG will be a huge asset in the 6th spot today.......I hope you tear your ACL.

Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Lion-O

Thundercats, always the red-headed stepchild (pun intended) to Transformers, ran from 1985-1990. Don't ask me on what channel. Like I said, I was too busy watching Transformers. Anyway, Lion-O was the Lord of the Thundercats. According to Wikipedia, Lion-O has some sort of sword that 'is no longer than a dagger but can extend to full size during battle'. Ok, that is just gross and is obviously a not-so-subtle reference to his boner. Though judging from the nearly pornographic rendering to the right, Lion-O appears to have no genitalia whatsoever. (Cue the 'Unsolved Mysteries' music. Weiner tingles.)

Lion-O, an admitted alcoholic, was always jealous over the attention that He-Man received, so much so that he once snuck onto the He-Man set, where drunk on Pinot, he heckled the blonde hero with taunts of 'Gaywad!' and 'Murderer!'

For a while he and Cheetara were a rumored item, but his lack of a discernible penis, fiery temper and drunken rambles led to their demise. She was also totally weirded out by the odd lack of pigment or coloration around his mouth and eyes. Said Cheetara, "Even after the show went off the air, he would always yell 'Thunder, thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS HO!' I was like 'Wow, seriously just stop. That's just annoying. Duh. (Clapping hands together and yelling at Lion-O, standing off camera) Don't threaten to hit me asshole! I will take you down!"

In the mid-90's Lion-O tried to revive his career with a couple of straight to video releases, including 'Orange Crush' where he played a aging wrestler making the rounds in the southern independent circuit (co-starring Lex Luger, playing himself) and 'Jumping Jacks With Lion-O' a workout video that charted at number 3007 on the Amazon.com workout video list, ranking right behind this video.

Since then, Lion-O has held a variety of odd jobs, including one of those construction worker who hold the 'Slow' sign on the highway, one of those guys who responds to the 'Smoke weed! Get paid!' advertisements in the classifieds and a brief stint as a roving scout for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Lion-O currently resides in Fort Dodge, Iowa, working as a shift manager at J-Mar Burgers.

Axl Rose Bites a Swede

In case you haven't heard, Guns N Roses singer Axl Rose was arrested in Stockholm for biting a security guard. Beyond that, he was "too intoxicated to be questioned right away." What does this have to do with baseball you ask? Absolutely nothing, but its just another example of how Axl Rose is cooler than you will ever be. Do you have the sack to get drunk and bite a Swede? I think not. You probably wouldn't even bite a Dane.

OK here's something baseball related. What will happen first - a Cubs World Series victory or Chinese Democracy hitting record store shelves?

Phat Bastard: Phil Nevin

For those scoring at home, Phil Nevin is now 0-6 when he gets the starting nod at LF over Thunder Matt Murton.

Given that we have a day game today, perhaps Dusty will start Thunder Matt as well as Todd Walker and sit Nevin and Neifi "El Sapo Gordo" Perez on the bench, where they rightly belong.

I'm at the point now where I've convinced myself that Neifi would have to rape Dusty's kid while pouring sugar in his gas tank in order to get benched. Of course what do I know? He'd probably get moved to the lead-off spot then.

In order to help Dusty out, I took the liberty of creating this quick reference graphic for him. Just print it out the next time you're filling out the day's lineup and you'll have no problems.

An All-Star Coup

Here's the deal: There are three Pirates, in addition to Jason Bay, who are currently ranked in the top 4 at their respective position in All-Star voting. Jack Wilson and Jose Castillo could have a legitimate shot at starting in the game, but only if we all band together and stick it to Major League Baseball. Fan voting is a total farce, as idiot Yankee, Red Sox, and Cardinals fans stuff the ballot box year after year, with no regard to what players are actually deserving of this honor. So let's prove that it's a sham by voting in players from the host city, which happens to be one of the worst teams in baseball. Cruise over to MLB.com if you haven't already, and vote for Sean Casey, Jose Castillo, Jack Wilson, Joe Randa, Ryan Doumit, Jason Bay, Jeromy Burnitz, and (Lord help me) Chris Duffy. At least Bay has a legitimate reason to play. The great fans of Pittsburgh are doing their part, but fans across the rest of the country need to support them. Load your NL ballot with Pirates! The AL you say? It doesn't matter who you vote for there, they'll kill the NL regardless. Now is the time to take a stand, to do your part. Together, we can make this happen!