The Official Catchup Cubs Post

In all the excitement over the last week, with the Cubs sweeping both the Pirates and Nationals, I totally didn't write anything. And neither did anyone else. So if you're one of the...two people that loves The Gist, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to go elsewhere to get the latest and greatest Cubs news. Welcome back.

To get everyone caught up to speed, here's a bunch of random thoughts that have to do with both the Cubs and whatever comes to mind over the next 20 minutes that I'm giving myself to grind this out.

Welcome To Sweeps Week: Man, the Cubs were amazing all of last week. And they definitively answered the question of whether they could beat the best teams in the NL. The Cubs did what they do all week: timely hitting, great pitching and a little bit of luck. Maybe if the wind wasn't blowing out on Friday, helping the Cubs smack 4 homers off Max Scherzer, they don't take that game. Maybe if Bryce Harper makes the catch in right field on Saturday the Cubs don't win that game. Maybe if Strasburg pitches against the Cubs once during their series, the Nationals could have taken one.

But none of that happened. And the Cubs beat up on the Nationals, with Javier Baez's 312th inning homer in the early evening of Mother's Day serving as the exclamation point for the week.

How Much Do We Hate The Padres?: After the Cubs smacked around the Padres on Tuesday night, they racked up 25% of their total losses for the year in a single day, getting swept by San Diego in a day/night doubleheader. The Cubs could have easily wound up winning either of those games, with the Padres not taking the lead until human impostor Brett Wallace (more on that in a minute) hitting a 3 run homer late in the early game to take the lead, and then John Lackey only making one mistake in a 1-0 heartbreaker for the Cubs during the nightcap. But that's how luck swings sometimes.

Don't Panic: The Cubs are still great even after losing 2 out of 3 to the Padres. Put it this way: if last Monday I would have told you that the Cubs would take 2 of 3 from the Pirates and 3 of 4 from the Nationals and then sweep the Padres in Chicago, you would have been ecstatic! Well guess what? The Cubs still went 8-2 over those same 10 games, so it all evens out in the end.

But Back To Brett Wallace: Brett Wallace is an alien walking around in human skin. You cannot convince me otherwise. Look at how absolutely wrong his face is:

HURR I'M A REAL HUMON

Remember in the first Men In Black movie where the alien crashes into the Earth and climbs inside of a human being, but looks all weird because they don't know how to be a human being? That's what Brett Wallace is, only the Padres are so bad at baseball that he somehow is one of the best 8 hitters on the team. It's gross, and really this won't stand in Trump's America.

And it's not just his face! I had the pleasure of being at the Cubs game on Tuesday night and took a picture of how weird Wallace's body is. Look at this shape and tell me that it's human and I will call you a goddamn liar:

LOOK HOW WEIRD HIS BODY IS!

Those are the legs of someone that would be 6'4 and the upper body of a man put together from flesh colored Play-Doh that was probably supposed to be 4 feet tall. After Wallace hit his home run in game 1 of the doubleheader, the Padres stuck him in front of a TV with a tube of cookie dough and turned on Doc McStuffins. He sat there for 12 hours.

Here Are Some Other People That Think The Cubs Are Great: As predicted, there has been a crap ton of ink written (typed?) about the Cubs so far, and with good reason - they are really good. At Sports Illustrated, Charlie Pierce wrote a great piece about the Cubs. Fangraphs LOVES the Cubs. They also love Kris Bryant's new and improved swing. Oh, and Hector Rondon could be the best closer in baseball right now (read this one, because it's awesome and has tons of info about next level pitching stats).

Enough With The Braun Rumors: I don't know where it started, but the Cubs are not going to trade for Ryan Braun. And for all the Cubs fans boo-hooing such a move, are you nuts? Even at what, 32(?) years old, Braun is still one of the better hitters in the league. I mean, 10 times out of 10, I would rather the Cubs trade for another pitcher for the stretch run, but Braun is great and even if he's a douchebag, he could help the Cubs win. We already have Lackey and remember when we traded for Jim Edmonds? Good players are good players.

But this particular move is not happening, so stop talking about it.

That's all I got. Take us home, Chong Li!

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

ARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!! The Pirates come into town starting tomorrow at 1:20 CST with Jason 'First Half' Hammel against Francisco 'Fist Half' Liriano. Let's murder them on the field all weekend.

From the TMS Vault: War Hero, The Wicked Game Video

As we celebrate the Saloon turning 10 years old this year we'll be digging into our archives from time to time to unearth some classic posts from way back when. Aside from reposting these pieces we'll also be talking with the TMS bartenders that wrote them and getting a little more insight on them.

In July 2007 we decided to expand our ranks and bring in some more bartenders to the Saloon. Nick was the first to join the fray, writing under the pseudonym "The Hundley". I was able to talk with Nick recently to discuss this memorable War Hero piece.

Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan: How much of this do you remember writing? It's been nearly 9 years ago.  

The Hundley: To be fair, I was doing a copious amount of peyote at that stage in my life. That being said, it would be tough for a boy to forget that video as he was coming into adolescence. If I remember correctly, that article was my "test piece" to see if I made the cut for TMS. I remember it went pretty quickly because obviously that video had a profound effect on me.

JTCF: Yeah it was your "test piece" as you were the first outsider we brought into the fold. We didn't have a vetting process in place (Did we ever?) so I just sort of let you write whatever you want. I have to say it's the most impressive debut we ever had. Bursting onto the scene with the swagger of a young Doug Dascenzo. 

Music videos seem to have fallen out of favor with today's kids and aren't really that big of a deal anymore. You have two young boys now. When the time is right, will you teach them the ways of the "Wicked Game" video, or will they have to find their own path? 

TH: There's no way that I'd want them to suffer from the awkwardness of watching something like that in the presence of parents. You have to remember, that was a super risque video in the 90's. I'm not sure if Cinemax showed that much at the time. I think videos still have a place, if they didn't, then they'd stop making them. Thus far I've been blessed to have toddlers that incessantly ask for Johnny Cash and Nathaniel Rateliff videos instead of Wheels on the Bus and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'll take that.

JTCF: Well no one's probably fighting off boners to Johnny Cash, that's for sure.

TH: Can you be so sure? (ruing the fact that I wore sweatpants)

War Hero: The Wicked Game Video

The full version of this post ran on July 2007 and can be found here.

Have you ever stopped to look back on your life? Thought about certain things that you've experienced and how they had a profound impact on your life? Maybe you learned the valuable lesson of taking nothing for granted after living through the 2003 Cub postseason or Brant Brown's gaffe in 1998. Perhaps you were taught a lesson on how to be a 'Class Act' by worshiping guys like Andre Dawson, Dale Murphy, and Walter Payton growing up. Quite possibly you learned to never give up after watching Jim Valvano's speech or simply by watching Stallone, Pele, and Michael Caine in "Victory". Yes, sports and pop culture have the power to teach us valuable lessons that will help us all on our journey through life. One of the greatest things I've learned in my 29 years from television, is how to fight off a boner. And I have Chris Isaak to thank for that.

When 'Wicked Game' was shown on MTV in the early 90's, I was but a lad trying to transition from elementary school to junior high. You remember, don't you? All of the girls were starting to get breasts and wearing bras while you sat there with a few whiteheads, your hair chock-full of Dapper Dan, parted on the side, sporting "The Wave" hairstyle that Tyler from "Life Goes On" had (sans mullet, of course). Hypercolor shirts were taking precedence over your Rude Dog shirts from 6th grade. Those were the bomb, but could do little to suppress the stiffy you got from staring at your partner's chest in Spanish class. Something had to be done, and quick. You couldn't possibly sit cross-legged all the time. Sure baggy shirts were in, but what if you got called up to the chalk board? You can't hide that thing.

Luckily Chris Isaak helped me out. This was back when MTV actually showed videos (a novel concept). My family had exactly one TV in the house so consequently, we watched it together as a family. Perhaps I was being punished by God, but 'Wicked Game' seemed only to come on when I was watching TV while my parents were around. Talk about awkward. Hopefully my parents were distracted reading the paper or playing Jenga, because watching Helena Christensen rolling around on a beach half naked was a bit "off-putting" to view in the presence of your parents, to say the least. Changing the channel was out of the question, you couldn't bring attention to it, and goddamn, that was one video that was too steamy to leave. Nevermind the fact that Chris Isaak looked like he was stuck in the 50's with his get-up, that guy quickly became my hero. It was a video you watched over and over, thinking perhaps you missed a nipple slip the first 100 times you saw it. It made good conversation in the lunchroom, bragging up your macho-ness by saying jugs, tits, rack, set and the like. As a good friend of mine states, "Any male between the ages of 22 and 32 remembers EXACTLY where and when they saw 'Wicked Game' for the first time." This was life-altering stuff. Once I found that I could get through that video while still managing to hold back "The Glory", I pretty much had Junior High figured out. No longer would I feel that slow dancing with a female was impossible. Teen Night at the YMCA swimming pool? Bring it on. Walking on a nude beach in Cancun as an 8th grader? Well...okay, just like the Pull-Out Method of birth control, it isn't 100% effective, but it's better than nothing.

It sure was a groundbreaking experience for me. And I'll be damned if I've ever seen a video since that leaves me more uncomfortable when in the presence of family. Christ, that's saying something when you're 29 years old. God bless you, Chris Isaak. Now, if we could only get your show back on the air and more of you on Leno...

The Gist: Game 27 (Cubs 5, Nationals 2)

What Happened Wednesday: So I'm a little behind on the Gist, so here's what happened on Wednesday in Pittsburgh in two photographs:

Continuing what is easily the toughest week of the season so far, the Cubs opened up a 4 game series against the Nationals last night. How did that go?

What Happened: The Cubs did what the Cubs have done all year: they won. But they didn't do it by knocking the opposing starter out of the game after the 4th inning (Joe Ross went 6.2 innings) or by drawing a million walks (they only got 2 all night), but we knew that to take a few games from the Nationals, we would have to work for it. The Nationals are one of the only teams in the majors that can match the Cubs in pitching, so runs and walks are going to be harder to come by this series.

The Cubs got a whole lot of timely hitting from Ben Zobrist, who has been on fire since he calendar flipped to May, and Addison Russell, who seems to have at least one big base hit per homestand. Travis Wood got into a little trouble with Jayson Werth in the 9th, but Rondon came in to nail down the final out, giving the Cubs their 4th straight win over a quality opponent.

That's It?: No, but I spent last night seeing Captain America: Civil War instead and it was fantastic. So to tie this into the game, The Cubs are Captain America and the Nationals are the nameless HYDRA agents that get slapped around for 4 hours.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

It's an early one today, with the Cubs and Nationals squaring off at 1:20. The Cubs go with John Lackey while the Nationals counter with Max Scherzer. The last time Scherzer faced the Cubs he struck out like, 14 or 15 guys. I know because I was there as part of my Failure Tour of Wrigley in 2015 when the Cubs went 1-14 with me in attendance during the regular season.

The Gist: Game 25 (Cubs 7, Pirates 1)

Hey Cubs fans, I have one piece of advice at this point of the season.

Let's stop and take a deep breath here. Really stop and think about what it is that you're seeing.

I mean really sit back and look at what the Cubs have done to this point.

Things are getting historic, and they're getting there pretty quickly.

This is the best Cubs start in over a hundred years by just about any measurement - record, run differential, defensive ability, walks, runs scored, zany suits worn. I know I wasn't alive for a lot of them, but this really looks like the best Cubs team of many people's lifetimes through the first month of the season.

It's the first week of May and the Cubs have not lost two games in a row yet. They have three starting pitchers with ERAs under 1.90. And we've taken 2 of 3 on the road against what looks like one of the top 3 teams in the NL.

This is going to be a season to remember, so take as many chances as you can to sit back and really appreciate how good this team is.

What Happened: It was Jake Arrieta against the Pirates in Pittsburgh, so you know what happened. When the Cubs scratched 2 runs across in the top of the 3rd, everyone in the stadium knew that the game was most likely over, and it was.

Game MVP: Obviously Jake Arrieta. The greatest measurement of how dominant he is right now? The look of the Pirates batters from the 3rd inning on. They had the worst body language in the world. It was the kind of body language that you have when you have to come in to work on the 4th of July - you don't see what the point is and it shows. They knew the game was over.

Game LVP: Another reason the game seemed to be over in the 3rd inning was because there was no one in the stands. You'd think a matchup between the top two teams in the NL Central with the reigning Cy Young winner would attract more than 300 people, but you would be wrong. I don't know what else the people of Pittsburgh need to show up to Pirates games. Maybe 'Bring A Random Homeless Guy From Outside To The Game' night? Or maybe just show old Penguins and Steelers highlights the whole time on the Jumbotron?

Gist Stat (or GISTAT): Over their last 90 regular season games, the Cubs are rocking a .720 winning percentage. That's a 117 win pace over a 162 game season. The record for most wins in a season is 116. That's not to say that the Cubs will set a new all-time wins record...but things are going good.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

Game three against the Pirates kicks off at 11:35 AM CST. The Cubs go for the backbreaking sweep behind Jon Lester, who faces off against starting pitcher and human gasoline fire Juan Nicasio.

The Gist: Game 24 (Cubs 7, Pirates 2)

What Happened: Man, I hate the Pirates. I've always disliked them, but this year I REALLY hate them. They're a lineup of one awesome outfield and a bunch of scrubs on the infield, and yet somehow they're in the top 3 of nearly every offensive category because they're hitting way over their heads. I keep telling myself that the BABIP Gods will eventually regress them into the ground, but waiting for that to happen is frustrating. Every time Jordy Mercer gets a base hit, I die a little on the inside.

That's why last night's win was such a satisfying one. The Cubs came into last night's game with the best record in baseball, but they really hadn't had too many tests so far. Even the Cardinals are showing definite signs of concern. So going on the road and laying the smackdown to the Pirates against their ace was immensely satisfying. As the broken record of the 2016 Cubs always says, we did it by making their starter throw 100+ pitches in only 5 innings of work and feasted on the sweet, sweet underbelly of the Pirates bullpen.

Game MVP: This is a tough one. On one hand, Jason Hammel held one of the more productive lineups in baseball to just 2 runs in 5 innings of work. He might have been able to go longer, but Joe wanted to go to the bullpen and everything worked out beautifully, with the pen delivering 4 innings of shutout ball. Also, Dexter Fowler added 72 more hits to his total for the year. So let's split the game MVP between all of them. It's like the '3 Stars' thing in hockey.

Game LVP: I have no doubts that Gerrit Cole is a good pitcher, but man, you gotta step up in these big games dude. With Arrieta going tonight and Lester tomorrow, last night's game was probably the best chance at a win that the Pirates had on paper. That makes 2 Pretty Important Games in a row that Cole has pitched against the Cubs and not gotten the job done. If the Cubs could set up shop inside his head and just stay there for the rest of the time that Cole is a Pirate, that would be just fine by me.

But none of that matters because...

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS WE'RE BACK WITH ANOTHER THUNDERWATCH!

YES!!!! For the first time in almost a decade, the Cubs are on RED (get it?) ALERT because a stormfront of THUNDER may be making its way to Chicago.

That's right...THUNDER MATT MAY BE ON HIS WAY BACK!

Matt Murton maybe just got called up?? At the I-Cubs game & he left w/ bats & a team rep. Didn't look hurt #Cubs #iowacubs #mattmurton

— Jonathan Martz (@jbmartz13) May 3, 2016

WOOOOOO!

If Murton is on his way up, I would think that means that Szczur may be a bit more banged up than first thought. If he's going to need 3-4 days off, it makes sense to bring up an OF for depth. And the bullpen is so rested that we could afford to send down a RP to make space until Szczur is well enough to play again.

This was going to be a really tough week regardless, with 3 games against the Pirates and 4 against the Nationals coming up, but having the Ginger Thunder around the clubhouse can only help matters.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

Game two against the Pirates kicks off at 6:05 CST with NL Pitcher of the Month Jake Arrieta squaring off with Jon Niese. Expect Anthony Rizzo to homer.

The Gist: Game 20 (Cubs 4, Brewers 3)

What Happened: How many times have you seen this happen so far in the 2016 Cubs season: The Cubs get shut down offensively for the first 5-6 innings by some scrub pitcher and then all the sudden they bust things open in one big inning and end up scoring 6 runs in a final that doesn't look like the game was ever close at all?

That's how this game looked like it was going for a while, with the Cubs pretty much ineffective against the Brewers Jimmy Nelson through 5 scoreless innings (the cold weather helped). But right when it looked like the Cubs could bust the game wide open, loading the bases with one out in the 5th, all they could do was scratch out one measly run off a Fowler sac fly that might have been a home run on any other night that didn't feel like it was below 40 degrees. The Cubs would tack on three more runs on an Addison Russell (hustle?) triple in the 6th and a Rizzo RBI in the 7th before things got interesting.

After a Ryan Braun pinch hit, 2 run double made the game 4-3 in the top of the 8th, the Cubs bullpen stepped in and locked things down and the Cubs won, which is good because the Brewers are awful and good teams beat bad teams, especially at home.

Game MVP: I'd say that this was a collective team effort, so no one person sticks out more than any other. The weather was really helpful in making sure that everyone in attendance drank a ton of beer to forget the cold which can then be used to pay Jake Arrieta ludicrous amounts of money for his extension.

Game LVP: Tommy LaStella. It's well known around these parts that I hate Tommy LaStella and when he's somehow involved with the Cubs doing well, I hate him even more because of his attempts to make me hate him less.

Awesome Stat of the Day: The Cubs are now 10 games over .500 after just 15 games. Last season, they weren't 10 games over .500 until game 104. Thanks, super easy April schedule!

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

Game two against the Brewers happens at 7:05 CST tonight with Jake Arrieta taking the mound for the first time since his no-hitter last week. He'll be opposed by Taylor Swift Lautner Jungmann, who has an ERA quickly approaching 9.00.

Thunder Matt's Saloon Turns 10 Years Old

It started with a simple post on April 26, 2006.

Caught the game in Los Angeles where Rafael Furcal maimed Derrek Lee. Thunder Matt entered the game late, I think he ended up with two at-bats. I tried numerous times to get a "THUNDER MATT" chant going, but the LA crowd wasn't having it. That's OK though, cause they all left in the 7th inning.

With that simple paragraph a humble little blog at thundermatt.blogspot.com was born. A silly Cubs blog based on a young outfielder whom we dubbed "Thunder Matt" for no real reason other than we thought it sounded cool. We chose pseudonyms for ourselves. Brant Brown, Chaim Witz, Governor Gray Davis, and for myself, Chip Wesley.

We were never very good at sticking to only blogging about the Cubs. We did however find our niche, which was not really having any niche at all. We just started writing about anything we felt like, and as such set ourselves apart from other Cubs blogs with our weird posts about damn near anything not related to the team. We were the most un-Cub Cubs blog ever, and for whatever reason it worked. And when I say "worked" I merely mean we managed to find a small cult audience that enjoyed us being weird bastards.

As time went on we brought on new writers and in our heyday had nearly a dozen different guys contributing. We quickly got bored and tried new ventures. Remember Pomp Culture? How about Exile on Clark? Or were you one of the four people that read Steve Finley Was Here? As fickle as we were about switching blogs, the Saloon was always our main home. It was Mom and Dad's house we could always move back to when our latest dumb idea didn't pan out, and it usually didn't.

For us blogging was mostly a hobby. And like lots of hobbies, real life can eventually consume your time to do them. So little by little the Saloon died off in 2010. A brief revival in 2012 was exactly that. Brief. This latest iteration has been fun and while I certainly can't write as much as I'd like to, it's good to be back home again, for however long it may be.

Looking back the thing I certainly value most with this whole venture are the friends I've made. This blog and the writers we managed to bring in, allowed me to meet some great people I never would've known otherwise and for that I'm grateful.

Well this is certainly getting sappier than I intended. I assure you I'll be back to my sailor-mouthed cursing self again soon. So here's to Thunder Matt's Saloon. And here's to our original crew. Ted, Ben, Brad, and myself. And to all the guys we added along they way: Nick, Ken, Rich, James, Jon, Jack, Jordi, Adam, Other Ben, Russ, and John. Thank you.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 San Francisco Giants

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series. More or less anyway. It's nearly May and no one cares.

Still? Yep. Still.We're so close to the end though... It's the Giants.

2015 Finish: 84-78, 2nd in the NL West

So Long: Middle Class Residents, Affordable Housing

Welcome: Silicon Valley Assholes on company buses, even more hobos, Johnny Cueto

Projected Lineup:
1. Dirty Harry, CF
2. Fog, 2B
3. The Golden Gate Bridge, 1B
4. Gay People, C
5. The Car Chase From Bullitt, SS
6. Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom, LF
7. Overrated Burritos, 3B
8. Rice-A-Roni, RF
9. Big Trouble in Little China, P

Nickname Rotation: San Fran, Frisco, The City by the Bay, The City (eyeroll), Peestenchburg
Setup: Internal Affairs was setting them up all along!
Closer: Kyra Sedgwick

Something something even year. Buster Posey and so on. Is Tim Lincecum still high? Yes.

Reason to Watch: The X-Files is now in HD on Netflix. That's a good reason to watch. The makeup on the episode where they age fast on the boat is a little rough, but generally it looks pretty good.

Reason to Drink: You can drink on Caltrain going to the game, which means you should. Nothing quite like arriving at the park with a solid buzz going.

The Food: The crab sandwich in the outfield is the best ballpark food I've ever had. Frankly it's my #1 sandwich ever. Unfortunately they are small and like $16, so the cheapskate in me only allows the purchase of one. I'd gladly eat like 10 of these.

Greasiest Player: The Giants love them some greaseballs, but it comes down to Angel Pagan and Brandon Crawford, and really it's no contest. Brandon Crawford's hair has more oil in it than the Alberta Tar Sands. They should build a pipeline to his house.

Fantasy Standout: I dunno, Brandon Belt?

Fantasy Bust: I dunno, Brandon Belt?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Greasy Brandon Belt eating a crab sandwich while drunk on Caltrain heading home to watch The X-Files on Netflix.

None of these people are Brandon Belt.

TMS Late Night: Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters We Haven't Heard From In A While

Game of Thrones is back! Prepare yourself for all the hot takes every time something horrible happens. "OMG, how could they be so insensitive to rape victims/animals/short people/land use planning/religion???? (continues to watch the show for five years)" I love the show, but one of its major issues continues to be the fact that seemingly important characters tend to vanish without a trace. Here are my Top 5  characters we haven't heard from in a while:

5. That guy who couldn’t die – Do you remember that guy who couldn’t die? There was that guy in a cave and he couldn’t die. He scared The Hound with fire.

4. Edmure Tully - He married the only non-homely Frey girl and was luckily whisked away before the Red Wedding, but that was that. Are they happy? Do they have kids? Does he drive a Dodge Stratus now?

3. Daario Naharis – Whatever happened to that long haired Fabio looking asshole? What, he turned into this guy? Seriously? I guess those casting agent certifications don't mean much do they...

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) – He got some of that sweet Melisandre action and it only cost him a little blood, but then Davos put him in a boat and we never saw him again. Given that so much of the plot revolves around who is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, we have to see him again at some point right? Hey, his name was Gendry. I forgot until just now.

1. Rickon Stark – Assuming that fall left Bran impotent, Rickon is the only male Stark capable of carrying on the line.  Sure he’s a bit of a weenie, but these are desperate times. Last we saw him, he had run off with Tonks from Harry Potter. When he's old enough, he should get on that. A half-Stark/half-wildling would unite "The North."

Yeah. You totally forgot about me didn't you?

TMS Investigates: The Power of Determination in Milwaukee

Hello there, welcome to Science. I am your bartender and lecturer, Dr. Science Muldoon. I come to you today in search of the truth. Namely: how long will it take a stadium full of Milwaukee fans to suffocate themselves in bratwurst-and-Lite-beer-leavings, given unlimited time and under the condition that the material itself remains static indefinitely?

I know you're shocked. That's because science is about asking uncomfortable questions. Except political science, which is for people who don't know what to major in, but aren't popular enough to drink with the marketing or communications students..

Anyhow, let's start with some Science Facts:

• An adult produces about 1 ounce of stool per 12 pounds of person. 
• We realize that the 1 ounce measure refers to weight, but since we're speaking of a certain state of matter, we'll convert it to volume, since water itself is about 1 oz of weight per 1 oz of volume.
• The average adult human is 166 pounds. Since this is Wisconsin, we're bumping that up to 185, Tommy Thompson be damned! So that's a per-capita production of roughly 15.42 ounces daily.
• Average attendance in 2015 was 31,390 per game.
• Miller Park covers 8.4 acres, and has a roof height of 220 feet.
• It would take 4,655,926,995 baseballs to fill Miller Park.
• That's a total of just over 224,784,545 gallons of Ryan Braun t-shirt dye.
• One game, with everyone doing a day's worth of dirty sinful business, would create 3,776.67 gallons.
• Top TMS scientists worked with these numbers and came out with a figure of roughly 2.5 baseballs of liquid volume of Milwaukee Yuck Juice (TM) per person per day.

Disclaimer: Muldoon majored in the humanities and was at best an indifferent student of mathematics.

The Maddening Crowd

Ever see your team blow a game so bad that you just want to unload your bowels in anger? We've seen Ryan Dempster, Kevin Gregg, and Neal Cotts in pinstripes, so we definitely have. It got us thinking, what if an average Milwaukee baseball crowd got so mad at a blown lead that they began to simultaneously defecate? They don't get super powers or anything, but they do fall into kind of a diarrhea trance (this also explains living in Milwaukee for decades on end). How long until they tax the volumetric capacity of Miller Park and suffocate themselves? More importantly, how can we measure this in baseball games and seasons? 

It would take 59,330 games for them to achieve this monumental feat of self-destruction. And at 81 games (we aren't assuming playoffs because hahahhahahahhaha), it would add up to 732 seasons of horrifying futility.

Now, if we're being super accurate, that number of fans, at a liquid volume of 17.54 gallons per Brewer fan, would cause a total displacement of 549,002 gallons. But we're ignoring that for now, because more math make brain hurt.

That's an intimidating amount of time for a human to ponder, but it's also completely within human scale. The Weihenstephan Brewery traces its roots to 768 AD, and even the brewer making the beer you can buy at the store today claims their founding date as 1040 AD. That's plenty of time to watch a future-cathedral full of robust men and equally robust women meet their ultimate end in a self-generated sea of torment. Hell, that's enough time for an ageless Nosferatu brewer to watch it start to happen a second time and go "FOOLSSSSS! Do they not learn from the misssstakesssss of the passsssst?!?"

Wow! That's good science.

The Lonely Sentinel

But say we just wanted one person to achieve this on their own, standing eternal guard in the ruins of Milwaukee with naught for company but a Ryan Braun jersey, a decaying handlebar mustache, and an endless supply of White Castle sliders soaked in raw chicken juice.

The age of mankind comes to a gentle twilight. The stars burn out and ignite anew. The aeon of science gives way to the aeon of magic, then to the aeon of the Battletoad. Benevolent alien archaeologists descend on the our home of antiquity and investigate the sole remaining life form - the lonely, determined sentinel. Like a single grain of cocaine on a velvet blacklight painting of a panther, he stands alone in the darkness.

He cries a single tear and says "I was ageless when your world was young." 

"GLEEP GLOP," they reply, which is a very touching and bittersweet sentiment. 

He cannot die, save for in a Hellish Jacuzzi of his own devising. How long will he torment, reader?

5,102,385 years and 9 months.

That's what you get for making a Bartman joke in 2016, dick. 

Lessons

Science is magic. But the real magic ... is inside YOU.

Wait, I didn't mean it like that. That's gross.

The Gist: Game 16 (Cubs ∞, Reds ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

When you think about truly special seasons in any sport, these are always images and moments that immediately come to mind. The more magical the season, the more of these moments you have to look back on. Take the 2015 Cubs season for example. Remember Rizzo's tarp catch? Bryant's home run that almost cleared the scoreboard? Addison's flip to second? Rondon's fist pump after closing out the sweep of the Giants at Wrigley? Schwarber's bomb in the NLDS that landed on top of the scoreboard in right? There's a pretty good chance that with just those quick descriptions, your mind conjured up vivid images of each and every one of those moments. Those are the moments that you remember where you were when they happened. They define the seasons that stick with you forever.

We're only three weeks into the baseball season and the Cubs have already delivered two of those moments. The first was Addison Russell's go-ahead home run during last Monday's home opener. It's pretty hard to have a playoff-like atmosphere in the first of 81 home games against a terrible team, but that's exactly what happened, and replays of Russell doing his airplane impression are going to be in so many hype videos this season.

And just 10 days later, we already have another:

I don't need to give you all the stats and trivia about how amazing it is that Arrieta threw 2 no-no's so close to each other because if your phone is anything like mine, it threw all of them at you all night last night. Let's just all let the greatness of this Cubs team and the best pitcher in baseball wash over us and keep in mind that it's only been 16 out of 162 games and we have a whole summer of excitement to come.

MVP: Jake Arrieta, obviously. He may not have been the most dominant we've seen him as far as strikeouts go, but he was in complete control the entire game and there wasn't much doubt that he was going to finish off the no-no when things got to the 7th inning or so. He was locked in. And this Reds lineup isn't full of a bunch of stiffs either. I mean, they're no Murderer's Row, but Votto and Bruce and Suarez and Phillips are all legitimate bats. Speaking of legit bats, Arrieta had two more base hits and a walk, bringing his average up to .273, higher than Rizzo, Heyward, Soler, Zobrist and Russell. Dude can rake.

Greg Vaughn MVP: Remember Greg Vaughn? If that name sounds familiar, it's because he's the guy that hit the quietest 50 home runs in MLB history. No one remembers that he hit 50 dingers because he did it in 1998 when Sosa and McGwire did their whole steroid fueled run into the record books. But like, 50 home runs is a lot! Way to pick a time to get overshadowed, guy.

There are actually a ton of Greg Vaughn MVP awards to go around last night. On any other night, we'd be talking about Bryant's monster game, with 2 homers (including a grand slam) and 6 RBI. Or Zobrist's first home run as a Cub. Or David Ross' awesome old man home run and subsequent dugout hip thrusting. But no, this was no ordinary night, so all of you take a backseat to the reigning Cy Young winner.

Ok Fine, One Stat: This blew my mind:

Last 24 starts Arrieta: 178 IP, 0.86 ERA, 0.70 WHIP

HIS ERA IS ALMOST LOWER THAN HIS WHIP.

HAHAHA LOOK AT YOU: Now I wasn't there, so this could be off by a bit, but from what I saw on television it looked like there were about 60 people a the game last night. Way to go, Cincy!

We get to play the Reds for 3 more games in a row??? Really??? HAHAHAHAHAHA awesome. The Cubs are back at it at 6:10 CST with Jon Lester vs something called a Jon Moscot. JON v JON! NO H'S ALLOWED IN THIS CAGE MATCH!

God, I wish we could play the Reds forever.

The Gist: Game 15

HURRR I'M TOMMY LASTELLA

What Happened: This game was played during work hours, so I wasn't able to watch any of it, but I feel confident in saying that it was all Tommy LaStella's fault. I don't know why he's even on the team anymore now that Baez is back. If I'm going to have to sit there and watch someone flail away at the plate, I'd at least like it to be someone that can sometimes run into a pitch and crush it 400 feet.

The Good News: Hey, we get to play the Reds again!

The Bad News: LaStella will also be in Cincy, so he'll probably play at some point and make me want to vomit.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs go to one of the worst states in the union (Ohio) to play one of the worst teams in baseball (the Reds). What? The Reds are 8-7?? Have they been doing nothing but playing the Brewers? The Cubs have Jake Arrieta going against Brandon Finnegan. Hopefully the Cubs do better against him tonight than they did in the home opener. Game time is 6:10 CST.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Los Angeles Dodgers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the decaying husk of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Or just take a nap like Tommy. They stink anyway.

2015 Finish: 92-70, 1st in the NL West

So Long: Zack Greinke, Jimmy Rollins, Jamey Wright, Adam Liberatore, Bronson Arroyo's Contract

Welcome: Kenta Maeda, Scott Kazmir, Joe Blanton, Aroldis Chapman (lol no, just kidding)

Projected Lineup:
1. Carl Crawford/Scott Van Slyke, LF
2. Howie Kendrick/Chase Utley (seriously)/Kiké Hernandez, 2B
3. Justin Turner until his knee explodes, 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
5. Yasiel Puig, RF
6. Corey Seager, SS
7. Yasmani Grandal/AJ Ellis, C
8. Joc Pederson/Kiké Hernandez, CF

Starting Rotation: Clayton Kershaw, Scott Kazmir, Kenta Maeda, Alex Wood, Ross Stripling
Bullpen: Chris Hatcher, J.P. Howell, Louis Coleman, Pedro Baez, Joe Blanton, Yimi Garcia
Closer: Kenley Jansen

Disabled List: Hyun-Jin Ryu, Brett Anderson, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Bolsinger, Andre Ethier

Screech Metal Lyric That Sums Up My Feelings About This Team:

"Fuck everything, everything!"
- Suicide Silence, Fuck Everything

Welp, this is probably it for me. I can't see myself caring about baseball after this season, and honestly, I'll be faking it this year. The team of my youth is now a sad shell of its former self, run into the ground by the Frank McCourt debacle and now by a misguided small-market philosophy that doesn't suit the team or the city. It's over gang. Time to tap out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be one of those assholes that goes and roots for Anaheim. I'm just leaving baseball altogether. Let's face it. It's always been boring anyway. Vin Scully has been carrying me through the last few years, but even he's had enough. Calling it a career after 67 years. Quitter.

Look at that starting rotation. Or don't. Alex Wood's terrible delivery hurts the eyes. Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy are on the DL because they are Brett Anderson and Brandon McCarthy. Platoons everywhere. I can't even hope for a trade because it's just going to be some half assed reliever from the Devil Rays anyway.

Nothing went right this offseason. They lost Zack Greinke to a division rival and replaced him with Scott Kazmir. They tried to trade for Aroldis Chapman, but he shot a wall. They had an agreement to sign Hisashi Iwakuma, but then he failed a physical...not that it would have been a particularly good move anyway. Kenta Maeda might be good, but then again he might be Kaz Ishii too. No one knows. They're just buying lottery tickets and hoping for the best at this point.

Reason to Watch: None. I exaggerate of course, but no, none. Sure it's Vin Scully's final season, but that's just depressing to think about. Yeah, that Kershaw guy is good, but the Dodgers are pissing away his best years hoarding prospects and fielding other teams' leftovers. I'm not wasting my time and you shouldn't either. If Kershaw wasn't so damn polite, he'd probably demand a trade.

Reason to Drink: Like I said, it's Vin Scully's final year. You want more? Well, we're going to be here for a few years. The front office is engaged in the most expensive rebuilding job in baseball history. Maybe by 2020 enough prospects will pan out for the Dodgers to contend, but by then I won't care anymore.

The Fans: By and large, we're assholes. Right now there is a split between TRUST THE PROCESS dopes who think the team can do no wrong because Fangraphs likes every move they make and the chuds that call in to Dodger Talk and write for the LA Times bitching about how NERDS are ruining baseball. I remove myself from this equation by hating everyone. Also, we'll fucking cut you in the parking lot.

Their Worst Contract: Andrew Friedman thinks he's smarter than everyone and spends money like an idiot hillbilly that won the lottery. He's attempting to recreate the magic they had in Tampa Bay where they fielded a boring product and never won anything. He's the highest paid executive in baseball and under contract through 2019.

Don't believe me? He actually thought Alex Wood and Fat Latos were going to help this team last year. Spoiler: They didn't. Neither did Jim Johnson. For most of this offseason, Friedman was content to start a platoon of Chase Utley and Kiké Hernandez at 2nd base. Chase Utley...getting regular playing time in 2016. Fortunately the market for Howie Kendrick was nonexistent and they were able to bring him back. The invisible hand saved Friedman from himself. This team is doomed as long as he's in charge.

Fantasy Standout: Corey Seager, but you knew that

Fantasy Bust: Any Dodger outfielder on your list is a terrible choice. Yasiel Puig has gone bad, Joc Pederson has the ugliest swing in baseball history, and left field is a radioactive wasteland with Carl Crawford still smoldering in the impact crater. Also, since they all stink, there are going to be lots of platoons so you'll have no idea about playing time.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Playboy Mansion - Sure it has a glamorous reputation and storied history, but it's just old and sad and full of legionnaire's disease now.

Welcome to Dodger Stadium. Remember how cool that Kirk Gibson home run was? Don't forget to take your Cipro.