TMS Request Line: Rating the Selfies of Ryne Sandberg's Instagram Account

It might seem like Thunder Matt's Saloon is just an excuse for a bunch of aging Gen X-ers and Millennials to complain about how everything sucks and relive their blogging glory days that weren't really even that glorious. But we are here for the people, and we give the people what they want. This...is TMS REQUEST LINE!

Even though we haven't really pushed it on anyone and there's not much of a way to find it anywhere on this site, we do have a Facebook page (check it out here). We mostly use it to push our content in front of unsuspecting social media users and hope to pad our traffic numbers from toddlers who have commandeered the closest smartphone and are attracted to the colorful pictures.

(Seriously though, like our page on Facebook. We'll be doing some random giveaways starting soon-ish and you don't want to miss out on the random Cubs stuff we've collected around these parts over the years.)

One thing that Facebook allows us to do is interact with you, the people. And sometimes you people (not 'you people' like...you know, right?) have requests for us. And we will fulfill them. So what's the first request to come in to our TMS ThunderPhone you ask?

Blurring used to protect those who probably don't want an employer to find out they have any connection to us

Ah yes, with the news that Ryne Sandberg has joined the Cubs as an ambassador (AKA 'Sorry you got fired from being a manager and since we feel bad for you we'll just pay you to be around), Sandberg Fever is returning for the first time since 1997. And if someone is going to be one of the faces of your team, you want to make sure that face is putting in work, right?

After reviewing Mr. Sandberg's Instagram account, we're going to split this into 2 parts. I am going to review the top 3 selfies in Ryno's account and my colleague Governor X will pick what he considers to be the bottom 3 and rank those as well. The twist is that I won't know which selfies the Governor has picked until after my rankings are done, so there's a good chance of overlap.

Let the great experiment begin!

Rich's Top 3 Ryno Selfies:

1. The "Cover All The Bases" (GET IT? BECAUSE BASEBALL??)

When you think of the face of a franchise, a guy you're paying money just to hang out and be an ambassador, THIS picture is what you should be thinking of. It checks off all the boxes.

Does he flash that politician smile? You better believe it. Ol' Ryno has still got the look that made all the ladies of the 80's swoon. Look at those goddamn teeth. Those are some high-quality Joe Biden-level teeth/possibly dentures. That is a smile you can vote for.

Is he showing off the brand? Ain't no cheap '47 Brand Cubs hat here. Ryno only sports the best and toughest for his #1 selfie. That's the league authentic model right there. One of his jobs is to sell merch to the masses, so he might as well sport the most expensive Cubs hat out there.

Does he care about the people? He absolutely does. Look, this guy is going to be shaking a ton of hands all summer. And Ryno knows better than anyone that warm weather colds are worse than losing to the Brewers, so he's got his giant sized bottle of hand sanitizer strategically placed over his left shoulder. It tells you "Hey, I'm not afraid to get in there and make a connection, but I'm going to do it in a germ free way, so no need to sweat it!" THAT is an ambassador I want.

2. The "Your Youngest Uncle Just Got An Instagram Account"

I like where this is going. If you've got an ambassador for your team, you want them to be approachable and likable. This picture has both in spades.

Approachable: "Hey man! You work in your yard too? I love yard work. And there's nothing I love more than yard work, except for following it up by stopping at Lou Malnati's, the best deep dish in the city! See? I'm just like you! We have so much in common! So let's go get some pizza and maybe drop $650 to bring your family of 4 to a Platinum date Cubs game!"

Likable: "Whoa man, how does this crazy smartphone work? I'm not even centered in the picture! Even though I have enough money to pay someone to take these pictures for me, I want to do it myself! Man, I'm super likable, but in that way where it just comes naturally! So about those Platinum games..."

3. The "Just Hangin' With Bae"

If you want to reach these young kids today through their constant fog of Dan Fogelberg music, hula hoops and Pac Man video games, you have to relate to them. What better way to do that than to snap a picture of you and your Beyonce in front of your favorite Santa Monica coffee place? Could a man bun for Ryno be next? Solid pic.

Governor X's Bottom 3 Ryno Selfies

3rd Worst

Why are there two pictures here? That’s poor selfie game. Also, why is there a box on the green? That’s going to make it very difficult to putt. Do you think Ryne uses a “long putter?” I hope not. If you use a long putter, you’re cheating and need punched. Take note Mr. Sandberg.

2nd Worst

There’s a dating app for singles over 50 called OurTime.com. I’m sure Ryne is happily married or whatever, but this seems very much like a selfie your divorced dad would take for that site. “Ladies will dig the hat and how I nonchalantly have my glasses hanging from my Kohl’s collared shirt.” – Divorced Dad before receiving no replies to his ad and quietly masturbating to Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair.

The Worst

No no. Nothing adds up here. Tree trimming day? Well OK Ryne, why do you have some horrible ball-crushing torture device slung over your shoulder? That’s for extracting information from prisoners, not trimming trees. Also that smile. No one is that happy to be trimming trees. Some people really like crushing prisoner’s balls though. Just who is he holding captive? Has anyone seen former Cubs manager Tom Trebelhorn lately? It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Minnesota Twins

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Twins

Keeping it trim fellas!

2015 Finish: 83-79 (2nd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Neal Cotts, Brian Duensing, Torii Hunter, Mike Pelfrey, Aaron Hicks

Welcome: John Ryan Murphy, Ryan Sweeney, Carlos Quentin

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Byron Buxton, CF
2. Brian Dozier, 2B
3. Joe Mauer, 1B
4. Miguel Sano, LF
5. Trevor Plouffe, 3B
6. Byung-Ho Park, DH
7. Eddie Rosario, RF
8. Kurt Suzuki, C
9. Eduardo Escobar, SS

Starting Rotation: Phil Hughes, Ervin Santana, Kyle Gibson, Ricky Nolasco, Tyler Duffey
Setup: Kevin Jepsen, Michael Tonkin
Closer: Glen Perkins

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:
"If you're tired of the masturbator/Come on over 2 my neighborhood/We can jump in the sack and I'll jack U off"

   -Prince, Jack U Off

If it hasn't become obvious yet, I'm terrible at finding rap lyrics for this shit. Prince is from Minnesota and his filthy ass lyrics always seem like a fun juxtaposition to the overall wholesome nature of the state. So there you go.

The Twins really had no business finishing the AL Central in second place last year. Yet there they were, actually vying for a Wild Card spot late in the season. Gone is Torii Hunter who seemed to be a pretty big leader in the clubhouse last year. We'll see if his absence will have a big impact on the young players or not. Joe Mauer is still around though and largely forgotten about in the other 49 states. Two of their longtime hot prospects Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano should start the season with the club and look to make big strides in the majors.

The pitching staff is about as bland as you get. From Phil Hughes to Kyle Gibson to other non-descript caucasian I can't remember. None of them are big time strikeout artists. I'm not saying you need to have a team full of Kershaws to win but it helps to have ANYONE that could maybe post a K/9 north of 6. But man it'll be something to watch these guys pitch to contact huh?


Reason To Watch: Miguel Sano's bat. This kid has legit power and if he can settle in at the major league level he will be a real treat to watch on offense.

Reason To Drink: Miguel Sano's glove. From what I've gathered, Sano has bricks for hands apparently. While DH is always an option I'm sure the Twins would like to have a little more positional flexibility on their hands here. With big Korean import Byung Ho Park on board as well, Molitor will have to do a bit of lineup juggling to get Sano's bat in there without causing a massive defensive liability.

The Fans: I don't know. They're probably pretty good people and come April most of the ice has melted up there so they won't be ice fishing. You know what I like about you Minnesotans though? Grain Belt beer. That's some good stuff.

Their Worst Contract: Joe Mauer. Well, this is by default as he's the only player on the team with an actual contract. The rest of the roster are unpaid interns or have been funded through Kickstarter or other crowdsourcing ventures.

Fantasy Standout: Prince. He can play like 25 instruments!

I only read Hustler for the Bukowski pieces...

Fantasy Bust: Any Twins pitcher. Just stay away. None of them are gonna win a lot of games and they strike out no one. Also you can't tell them apart except for Ervin Santana. Is that racist? That kind of sounds racist.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Kenny Loggins. Completely non-offensive and there's at least one song of his you probably like. Like the Twins, can anyone really HATE Kenny Loggins?

Keep that fire going Kenny. You fucking keep it going!

7 Ballplayers With Insightful Twitter Handles

Thanks to social media, fans today have more access to their favorite baseball players than ever before. One of the preferred platforms for many players is Twitter. In 140 characters or less, they can interact with fans on a regular basis and make them feel like they're a bigger part of the game. But did you know some players have become rather creative when making their Twitter handles? The following 7 guys have some of the most interesting handles we've seen that offer a little more insight into their lives.

1. Dan Haren - @ithrow88

Seems like every new pitcher to emerge these days is a fireballer. Guys throwing in the mid-to-upper 90s. Some even topping out at 100. Recently retired Cubs pitcher Dan Haren however was not one of them and his handle let's you know. 

2. Omar Infante - @kingofwhittling

When he's not being a utility infielder, Omar Infante is a master whittler. "He's really quite good," says Royals manager Ned Yost. "He's made me two walking canes and a nice pair of salt and pepper shakers." In fact, in his native Venezuela, Omar has received two presidential medals of honor for his whittling. While taking his knives on road trips can be a security issue, the officials at Kauffman Stadium turn a blind eye to his woodcarving blades. As teammate Lorenzo Cain tells us, "He's just gonna whittle man. He ain't gonna shank nobody."

3. Dustin Pedroia - @NotBrustinPedroia

Poor Dustin. No matter how hard he works and how many successes he's had in the big leagues, folks still confuse him with his twin brother Brustin. "Just the other day I was out to lunch and had two people come up for my autograph," Dustin explains. "I of course have to immediately point out that I'm not my world famous LARP champion brother Brustin. Only about a quarter of the folks still want the autograph after that."

4. Mike Trout - @poliosurvivor27

I bet you thought polio was all but eradicated in this country. Well not only are you wrong, it turns out one of the biggest players in baseball had it his rookie season. "It was a real bummer to get called up at 19 and find out you have polio," says Trout. "At least I got better and won Rookie of the Year the next season, so it's all good."

5. D.J. LeMahieu - @lildaveynobones

You may know that former Cub and current Rockies second baseman D.J. LeMahieu won a Gold Glove in 2014. But what you probably didn't know was that D.J. plays with absolutely no bones. Born without a skeleton, D.J.'s parents were told he wouldn't probably live any more than a few days let alone become a major league ballplayer. Yet here he is. Having defied the odds he's out there making plays in the field with his goopy gelatinous body, inspiring folks everywhere.

6. Evan Longoria - @sonofacentaur

As Evan puts it, "I'm not ashamed of who my dad is. He's a great guy. Even if half of him is a horse." Longoria even spearheaded an effort to get more centaur-accessible facilities at Tropicana Field in 2013 and is currently working with Major League Baseball to get the other 29 stadiums to follow suit. Way to go Evan!

7. Mat Latos - @theREALgreenriverkiller

While most serial killers try to keep a low profile, Mat Latos isn't exactly hiding his devilish crimes very well. Way to keep it real Mat!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Baltimore Orioles

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Baltimore Orioles

2015 Finish: 81-81 (3rd Place in AL Central)

So Long: Chris Parmelee, Wei-Yin Chen, Gerardo Parra, Steve Pearce,

Welcome: Mark Trumbo, Joey Terdoslavich, Yovani Gallardo, Dexter Fowler

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Dexter Fowler Hyun Soo Kim, LF
2. Manny Machado, 3B
3. Chris Davis, 1B
4. Adam Jones, CF
5. Mark Trumbo, DH
6. Matt Wieters, C
7. Jonathan Schoop, 2B
8. JJ Hardly, SS
9. Henry Urrutia, RF

Starting Rotation: Yovani Gallardo, Ubaldo Jiminez, Chris Tillman (hurt), Miguel Gonzalez, Kevin Gausman, Dylan Bundy (hurt), Vance Worley
Setup: TJ McFarland, Darren O'Day
Closer: Zach Britton

Rap Lyric Describing Their 2015 Season:

"Not good enough for her man but good enough for access
Too good for the racks, not good enough for the actress"

    - Big Sean, Not Good Enough

Going into 2015, you can't be mad at the Orioles for thinking they were good enough as-is to make a second straight playoff run. After all, they were just coming off a 2014 season in which they won the AL East and made the playoffs for just the second time since 1997. They didn't make any huge moves in the 2014/2015 offseason, hoping that the departing Nelson Cruz would be made up for by a rebound from Chris Davis.

And then reality set in and the team stumbled to a 81-81 finish. Despite getting MVP type numbers from Davis and Manny Machado, the O's combined the 9th best offense in the majors with the 18th worst pitching staff and just sort of treaded water, not good enough to make a real playoff push like Toronto, and not bad enough to blow the entire thing up and start over.

So what does 2016 bring us? I would say more of the same. Despite getting turned down by Dexter Fowler for a team with a better chance of winning the World Series, the Orioles still have what looks on paper to be a top 10 offense, resigning Chris Davis to go along with Machado and Matt Wieters. And Adam Jones is still around to carry the 'Hey, I'm still around and I'm not as good as I was but I'm still decent' torch dropped by Nick Markakis when he left after 2014.

Sadly, the pitching is again going to be tough to watch. Sure, the team signed Yovanni Gallardo, but that just pushes Ubaldo Jiminez from being your #1 starter to being your #2 starter. That's like having to barf when you already have to take a shit - one is now only your second worst problem, but it's still just as big of a problem. Oh, and it turns out having a Gallardo/Ubaldo-led rotation isn't good because this isn't 2010. Kevin Gausman seems to have lost his confidence after being yanked between the rotation and bullpen for the last 3 seasons. Dylan Bundy is never healthy. If the Orioles can hold a lead into the 8th inning where they can turn it over to O'Day and Britton to slam the door shut, things will work out. Unfortunately, Orioles hitters won't be able to bat against their own pitchers.

Reason To Watch: Manny Machado is better than your 3rd baseman. I don't care what team you root for, he's just plain better. In 2015 his bat made huge strides to catch up with his glove and the result is Machado not just becoming one of the best 3B in the league, but one of the best players in baseball, regardless of position. Machado won his second Gold Glove in 4 seasons and finished 4th in MVP voting. It seems like the only thing that can stop this guy is the health of his knees.

Reason To Drink: I know I already got my shots in on Gallardo and Ubaldo, but holy crap are they going to be the worst 1/2 punch in the league. Their division mates can roll out guys like Tanaka and Pineda and Price and Stroman and Archer and Odorizzi when they have a must-win game. Gallardo's ERA last year was 3.42, but his FIP and xFIP show that he got SUPER lucky and should have had an ERA in the mid-4.00 range. And he's also moving to a division where he has to face the Red Sox/Yankees/Blue Jays for 80% of his divisional matchups and is working with diminished velocity. Ubaldo's ERA over the last 2 seasons is somewhere in the 4.40 range.

HURR THERE GOES MY ERA

The Fans: I don't know that I've met more than a handful of Orioles fans. I also never hear anything bad about them in the press, so they have to be pretty good, right? Ed Norton and Larry King are O's fans. That's perfectly adequate.

Their Worst Contract: I mean, Ubaldo Jiminez makes $13 million, but at least he can go out there and record a few strikeouts when he's not walking the bases full, right? Meanwhile JJ Hardly (get it?) is making $12.5 million to be just as bad with his bat as he is decent with his glove. I mean exactly. Hardly's defense cancels out his offense so well that last year he had a 0.0 WAR. That means the Orioles are paying $12 million to a SS that produces exactly on the same level as any SS off the street. That's like paying for a steak and lobster tail at a high end Tampa restaurant and getting canned cochinita pibil.

Fantasy Standout: Dexter Fowler. Guy can do a little bit of everything: take a walk and produce an OBP around .350, hit about 12-15 homers and steal about 12-15 bases. And by waiting until the end of free agency, the Orioles were able to....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I couldn't make it through that section. The truth is that Dexter Fowler would have been a great leadoff hitter and addition to this lineup, but because the Orioles dicked around and basically waited to be the only team available, Fowler had time to listen to his heart and come back to the Cubs for less money than the O's offered. Womp womp.

Fantasy Bust: I dunno. The guys that are worth rostering (Jones, Davis, Britton) have pretty good track records of performance the last few years and will most likely perform like you expect them to. I guess maybe don't get suckered into the "yeah, but how good of a cheap power source is Mark Trumbo toward the end of the draft blah blah blah" talk. Trumbo is trash. If you want a cheap 25 homers that won't cost you anything, at least go with Chris Carter in the last round.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: House of Cards coming back on Netflix for its newest season. You get yourself all hyped up for the return but then when you see it in action, all the same things that pissed you off last year are still there pissing you off and you wonder why you even bothered again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays...yeah I know they dropped the devil years ago, but what are you gonna do about it?

Did your white trash great aunt in Clearwater die? Give her the gift of eternity.

2015 Finish: 80-82 (4th place in the AL East)

So Long: Boog Powell, Nate Karns, J.P. Arencibia, Daniel Nava, Jake McGee, Asdrubal Cabrera, John Jaso, Grady Sizemore

Welcome: Brad Miller, Logan Morrison, Hank Conger, Steve Pearce, Corey Dickerson

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Corey Dickerson OF
2. Steven Souza OF
3. Evan Longoria 3B
4. Logan Morrison DH
5. Logan Forsythe 2B
6. James Loney 1B
7. Kevin Kiermaier OF
8. Tim Beckham SS
9. Hank Conger C

Starting Rotation: Chris Archer, Jake Odorizzi, Drew Smyly, Erasmo Ramirez, Matt Moore
Setup: Enny Romero, Danny Farquhar, Alex Colome, Steve Geltz, Xavier Cedeno
Closer: Brad Boxberger

Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season or Something: 
"Louboutin shoes, she got too much pride/Her feet are killing her. I call it shoe-icide."
 - Fabulous, You Be Killin Em

Let's be honest, you don't care about this team. I know it, you know it, the American people know it. Instead I have a cautionary tale about canned cochinita pibil (aka puerco pibil). I saw it at the Food4Less (which is the type of discount grocery chain you can find in Tampa) and couldn't help but grab a can. What magic awaits inside?!?!?!

Christ. I no longer fear death. I opened the can and a powerful stink like metallic dog food swept over the kitchen. I immediately regretted my decision, but cheered on by the TMS crew, I pressed on. I scooped it out and heated it up in the pan, the stink filling the house as it cooked. Finally it was ready and I dumped it on a plate.

The serving size on the nutrition label was 1/4 cup, which seems absurd for heavily seasoned shredded pork. One pound sounds more like it. In this case, 1/4 cup was accurate. That's all I could choke down. Imagine if you filled a pot with shredded credit card statements, doused it in as much salt as possible, and warmed it up. There is nothing quite like a lunch that proves there is no god and reminds you that we all die alone. Go Rays!

Like looking into the cold nothingness of a black hole

Reason To Watch: The internets tell me Tampa has "too much" pitching. Well there you go. There is also a reasonable chance your Google search for Evan Longoria will bring up pictures of Eva Longoria.

Reason To Drink: You live in Tampa. Also that problem of too much pitching? Well guess what, I have seen at least three of your starters come up in trade rumors. Hope you like minor leaguers as much as you seem to like strip malls, trailer parks, and oppressive humidity.

The Fans: Approximately 55% illiterate swampbillies, 30% Walmart clerks, 14% strippers, 1% all of the above.

Their Worst Contract: Most of the roster is a bargain, so the obvious choice is their lease at Tropicana Field which will keep them playing in that IKEA warehouse for another decade or so. Matt Moore is pretty terrible too I guess.

Fantasy Standout: Chris Archer? Sure. Why not. He has solid numbers which are likely to improve once he's traded to a real team.

Fantasy Bust: James Loney and/or Evan Longoria, but you really don't expect much out of them anymore do you? I certainly don't.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Whatever TV show you forgot still exists. Bones is still on I think.

Thou art banished! Be gone from this place!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Milwaukee Brewers

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current last week's Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today it's time to tailgate outside general indifference with the Milwaukee Brewers.



2015 Finish: 68-94 (4th in NL Central)

So Long
Kyle Lohse, Francisco Rodriguez, Adam Lind, Khris Davis, Jean Segura, Whole Bunch of Nobodies

Welcome
Chris Carter, Chris Capuano, Eric Young, Will Middlebrooks, Different Bunch of Nobodies (and Kirk Neiuwenhuis)

Projected Lineup (via rotochamp.com)
Scooter Gennett 2B
Jonathan Lucroy C
Ryan Braun RF (injured)
Chris Carter 1B
Aaron Hill 3B
Domingo Santana LF
Jonathan Villar SS
Shane Peterson CF (this is a weird projection)

Starting Rotation
Matt Garza
Wily Peralta
Jimmy Nelson
Taylor Jungmann
Zach Davies

Setup
Jeremy Jeffress

Closer
Will Smith



Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season

"Is being cool that cool? Is being a tool that much of a tool?"
- Chance the Rapper, "Wanna Be Cool"

The 2015 NL Central was a historically great division, with the Cubs, Pirates, and Trash Birds all sniffing around the 100-win mark. And they all got there by spending a good chunk of the season cleat-stepping on the asthmatic fat kids in Milwaukee and Cincy. In what resembled the world's saddest game of junior high dodgeball, the Brewers went a combined 11-28 against the Cubs and Cards. Luckily, no one in Wisconsin was paying attention.

Look, this team sucks, and it's going to suck for some time. It's a tiny, disinterested market where Marquette Basketball is far and away more popular. They're overshadowed even by the Twins and the White Sox, which is a hell of a trick to pull. They lost a bunch of semi-useful guys, and they brought in a bumper crop of slightly-less-useful guys. Theoretically the minor leagues are better, but we won't have reason to care about that for a couple of years at least. Instead, let's talk about what annoys me about the Brewers:

- They got ONE (1) playoff season out of the Gallardo/Fielder/Braun prime years. Yet their fat mouth-breathing fans got a dynasty's worth of shitty, obnoxious behavior from it. Just fat guy after fat guy showing up at Wrigley in Braun jerseys with the tags still attached, yapping about how overrated the Cubs were. They wore Badgers hats but went to UW-Whitewater. They professed love of MMA but had visible man boobs. You could profile them sure as a face-wearing serial killer, and they all deserved the same punishment.

- I hold an unreasonable amount of animus toward Ben Sheets to this day. After I write this, I'm gonna go egg the Dairy Queen he manages in New Berlin.

- They abandoned County Stadium, which perfectly represented the franchise (shitty, old, somewhat charming in its irrelevance) and built a brand-new retractable roof stadium with all the charm of a male fertility clinic. Even with the roof open, you feel like you're stuck in Schaumburg watching a mall demonstration of baseball.

- As part of that move, Bernie Brewer could no longer slide into a stein of beer after home runs. That was a perfect representation of the region - vaguely Bavarian good times. But god forbid we acknowledge what brewing is, or have to talk to our kids about beer. Now Bernie and his rictus smile joylessly descend a cheap slide that goes nowhere, like a kid whose mother drank too much mouthwash during pregnancy. And what's more, I'm just now realizing that this is a much better representation of metro Milwaukee. Carry on.

- There are two ways to park at the stadium. And you'll be driving, because a) Milwaukee is an oasis of decaying nightmares and b) the park's in the middle of nowhere anyhow. The cheap parking option puts you on gravel lots a short walk away from the stadium over a bridge. Traffic's a nightmare going out. The VIP option puts you on asphalt right next to the park, and you're basically in and out, no matter when you leave the game. The price differential the last time I was there was $4. That is the line between the haves and the have-nots among Brewers fans. If you really want a pleasant tailgate experience and easy exit, I say go ahead and pull some overtime at the sweatpants factory. You'll thank me later.

- Imagine how fat and gross you have to be for Chicago fans to call you fat and gross. Yet here we are.

- We make better sausages in Chicago. Fight me.

Reason to Watch: This is basically a triple-A team with Ryan Braun along for the ride. If you're watching this, then congrats on selling the most pre-owned vehicles at Waukesha County Hyundai during the month of June. You really need to talk to your sales manager about the terrible incentive program he's running.

Reason to Drink: You're in Wisconsin - a gorgeous state filled with amazing scenery, fantastic craft beer, and delicious food. You could be anywhere, doing anything, and you're stuck chasing a foodservice-grade bratwurst with sips of lukewarm Miller Lite from a plastic cup. Might as well get full-hog drunk and see if you can call one of the city's six Ubers to take you home.




The Fans: You know that guy/gal from your hometown who is weirdly, obnoxiously prideful of their "accomplishments"? Fill the stands with them. Then bomb the stands.

"Oh, you're in your last year of residency at Harvard? Boston's a ripoff man. No big deal or anything, but I'm about to be promoted to assistant manager at a little Fortune 500 company called JIFFY LUBE."

(cranks Drowning Pool album)

(dies slowly each day)

Too many Brewers fans would be intolerable. But our good friend entropy keeps their numbers pretty low.

Their Worst Contract: Ryan Braun is going to cost $7 million more this year than his 3.8 WAR season last year. That's eating half of a sandwich you don't like that much, then deciding to finish it anyway, except the other half is filled with BEES.

Fantasy Standout: I bet you can get your mitts on Braun for pretty cheap. It's like riding a bike with a slow leak in the tire. How far can it take me? Will the value outlast the risk? Why does everyone keep telling me they want to punch my bike in the face?


Fantasy Bust: Domingo Santana has some theoretical potential, and should see some decent at-bats with Khris Davis gone. On the other hand, he has to show up and play every day in front of people who buy their groceries at K-Mart and have Bob Uecker as their greatest living legend.

Uecker is still alive, right?

The Pop Culture Equivalent to This Team Is: A "Very Special Episode" of Roseanne. It's lower-middle class, there's not much hope on the horizon, and it's too close to home for comfort. Let's see what's on Netflix instead.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cincinnati Reds

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the trash fire that is the Cincinnati Reds.

Some shit you can't unsee.

2015 Finish: 64-98 (Last Place in NL Central)

So Long: Sean Marshall, Skip Schumaker, Brennan Boesch, Todd Frazier, Aroldis Chapman

Welcome: Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, crippling depression

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Zack Cozart SS
2. Joey Votto, 1B
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Devin Mesoraco C
5. Jay Bruce RF
6. Eugenio Suarez 3B
7. Scott Schebler LF
8. Billy Hamilton CF

Starting Rotation: Anthony DeSclafani, Raisel Iglesias, Michael Lorenzen, Brandon Finnegan, Homer Bailey (Injured, back in May)
Setup: Jumbo Diaz
Closer: J.J. Hoover

I hate the god damn Reds. I take great joy in seeing them be miserable. So imagine my glee last season when they finished dead last in the NL Central. Even the fucking Brewers were better than them, but that's another story for tomorrow. 64-98 marked their worst finish since 1982. When the highlight of your season is Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby you know there's a problem.

So now what? Only one way to go but up right? Well...

If 2015 wound up being disaster, strap in for 2016 because it's gonna be worse. The Reds lost 4 of their top 6 WAR guys from last season and the only main players they brought in are rookies and prospects. Todd Frazier is gone, as is Cueto and Leake who were traded last season. So now you have Eugenio Suarez at 3B and a rotation led by Anthony DeSclafani and Raisel Iglesias, who both do have some promise, but are far from polished yet. Good news though, you couldn't trade Brandon Phillips! I'm sure Walt Jocketty has a rebuilding plan in place. Like the Cubs a couple seasons ago, it's just going to be atrocious to watch for a while, and I'm going to revel in it.

The Reds 2015 Season in Brief.

Reason To Watch: None. I can't think of a single reason to watch this bullshit. The only good player they have is Big Canadian Asshole Joey Votto and fans can't even appreciate him properly. "HE'S GOTTA STOP WALKING AND HIT MORE!" Fuck you. The man is an on-base phenomenon that still hits for a .300+ average. Maybe worry more about your super fast outfielder getting on base so he can actually do what he's good at. You can't steal first Billy! Anyway my point is, Joey Votto is a piece of shit but good at baseball and you guys need to enjoy him while he's still there.



Reason To Drink: Well if you're a Cincy fan you're probably on crystal meth, but holy shit this bullpen. Now that Chokey McBangBang has been traded to the Yankees the closer job has been handed off to J.J. Hoover who is qualified simply because he's been there for a while. It's like the dude who's worked at Arby's for 6 years and just gets handed assistant manager simply because everyone else has been there for only 7 months. If he fails they could give the job to Jumbo Diaz who at least is better in the "interesting backstory" category. Dude was in the minors for 13 years before getting the call up in 2014. He's the Dominican Bobby Scales. So that's something, I guess.

The Fans: Buncha fucking CHUDs that eat chili on spaghetti. No one wants to hear about the Big Red Machine you asshole. I guess you can talk about the Nasty Boys though. They were cool. And Chris Sabo's goggles. Actually I'm kind of OK with the whole 1990 Reds minus Nazi sympathizer Marge Schott. Barry Larkin was legit too. So yeah, if you wanna talk about one very specific sliver of time regarding the Reds I'll listen. Otherwise fuck off.

Their Worst Contract: Joey Votto is signed on until the Rapture. He's getting $20 million this season, then he'll get $22 million in 2017. Then in 2018, the fifth year in a TEN YEAR CONTRACT, when he'll be 34 years old, Joey gets $25 million. And he gets $25 million the year after that, and the year after that, and they year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2024 he has a $20 million club option. He'll be 40 years old. After that he'll be encased in amber and put on display behind the right field stands. Pete Rose will be signing autographs for $20 at a card table next to it.

Fantasy Standout: Joey Votto. Without a doubt. If you play in an OBP league his value skyrockets. I hate the guy and I think he's a prick but that's not stopping me from putting him on my roster. If he can stay healthy he'll put up decent numbers, even if his surrounding cast is a massive garbage fart.

Fantasy Bust: Billy Hamilton. Look, I realize stolen bases are at a premium now more than ever. But is drafting him at the round or price he's going for really worth it? There's other guys that can steal plenty of bases for you that won't light your AVG on fire and may even help out in other categories. The dude had a .563 OPS last year and can't even be relied on in the leadoff spot. Pass.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 6 of "According to Jim". Why the fuck did you start watching this to begin with? Why are you STILL watching it? You're a terrible person and you should feel bad.

NO.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Oakland Athletics

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we pull back the tarp on the unused seats that are the Oakland A's.

2015 Finish: 68-94 (Last Place in AL West)

So Long: Edward Mujica, Barry Zito, Jesse Chavez, A.J. Griffin, Craig Gentry, Ike Davis, Drew Pomeranz, Brett Lawrie, Aaron Brooks

Welcome: Rich Hill, Liam Hendriks, Jed Lowrie (again), Yonder Alonso, Marc Rzepczynski, John Axford, Ryan Madson, Henderson Alvarez, Khris Davis, Chris Coghlan

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Billy Burns CF
2. Jed Lowrie 2B
3. Billy Butler DH
4. Josh Reddick RF
5. Khris Davis LF
6. Danny Valencia 3B
7. Stephen Vogt C
8. Mark Canha 1B
9. Marcus Semien SS

Starting Rotation: Sonny Gray, Jesse Hahn (Injured), Rich Hill, Kendall Graveman, Henderson Alvarez (Injured), Chris Bassitt, Jarrod Parker (Injured)
Setup: Ryan Madson
Closer: Sean Doolittle

Rap Lyric That Describes Their 2015 Season:

"I got furniture to move/And we'll both be 30 soon/In Oakland, in Oakland"
     - Childish Gambino, Telegraph Ave.

It's hard not to feel bad for Oakland fans sometimes. They're really doing the best they can with the payroll and facilities they have, but nothing ever seems to work out right. In the Moneyball days of the early 2000's, they had as impressive a young core as any team in the majors, with the three headed beast of Hudson/Mulder/Zito backed up by All-Stars and MVP candidates in Eric Chavez, Jason Giambi and Miguel Tejada. In 2001, they won over 100 games and were rewarded with a playoff series against the 3-time World Series champion Yankees, who eliminated Oakland from the playoffs. They won 100 games again in 2002 and were eliminated by the upstart Minnesota Twins. In 2004, they blew a 2-0 lead in a best of 5 series against the eventual World Series champion Red Sox.

Every year, the A's would lose their best players and every year, they would remain competitive under the shrewd moves of GM Billy Beane. In the 16 seasons since 2000, the A's have finished either first or second place in the AL West 11 times and have nothing to show for it. No World Series wins. No World Series appearances. One ALCS appearance (a 4-0 sweep at the hands of the Detroit Tigers).

So where do we find the A's in 2016? In the same place they always are - stuck in limbo between competing and rebuilding without committing to either. Maybe they like things in limbo. After all, it's full of unbaptized babies, right? Babies are cool. And it gives Billy Beane a chance to tap into a new pipeline of talent - amazing baseball players that were born before the coming of Jesus.

Billy Beane: "Can any of you heathens play center field?"

I look at the current A's lineup and I see nothing worth liking. Billy Burns looks like he could be the next Great A's Leadoff Hitter, picking up the torch that was held by the likes of Ray Durham and Coco Crisp and Johnny Damon. But then what? Josh Reddick seems to always have a busted wrist, Jed Lowrie hasn't had a healthy season since Chris Perez was relevant and Billy Butler is always a threat to roll a teammate into a tiny ball and eat him for lunch.

Billy Butler just now finished rounding the bases on a home run he hit in 2011.

And on top of the metaphorical shit sandwich that is the Oakland lineup, they also have to live in a literal shit sandwich because their stadium is so old and decrepit that it floods with poop 1-2 times a year. That's not an exaggeration. They continue to play in a toilet of a stadium that even the Raiders found a way to escape. The Raiders! You know who runs the Raiders? This guy:

"HURR I'M MARK DAVIS AND MY MOM CUTS MY HAIR"

Oakland was middle of the back in runs scored in 2015 and in the bottom third of the league in ERA. Expect more of the same this season.

One bright spot to call out is the truly out of nowhere emergence of Rich Hill last year, cashing in some late season success with the Red Sox into $6 million this season. Cubs fans may remember Hill from his awesome 2007 on the North Side. That was NINE seasons ago! And now he's back with his killer curveball. Hopefully he fares better with the A's than he did in his later seasons in Chicago because we all know what happens after Rich Hill goes away: He's replaced by Shawn Estes (gross).

Reason To Watch: Not all is dark and gloomy for the Athletics. They have one of the game's top young shortstops in Addison Russell. Or at least they would have if they didn't trade him for 2 months of this:

Thanks, Oakland!

Reason To Drink: They gave up a top 10 prospect for 2 months of this:

What looked like a curious move at the time seems downright laughable now. Maybe that's the next evolution of Moneyball: trade your best players before they even get to the majors!

The Fans: Do they have fans?

Their Worst Contract: Nothing truly terrible, but holy crap are there a lot of contracts that just seem awful when you look at them all at once. Bully Butler and Coco Crisp at $11 million each? $7.5 million for the corpse of Jed Lowrie? Let's hope Billy Beane and Assistant GM Virgil can hit paydirt before they get to the 3rd circle. Cerberus is a bitch to negotiate with.

Fantasy Standout: Sonny Gray is somehow a little bit better and a little bit worse than you remember at the same time. Sure, there are signs that Gray is a true ace in the making: he won 14 games for the second consecutive season, finished 3rd in the AL Cy Young race and posted a 2015 season ERA below 3.00...

Fantasy Bust: ...but his strikeout rate dipped for the 3rd straight season and his FIP the last 2 seasons (3.46/3.45) were significantly higher than his actual ERA (3.08/2.73) meaning he's had a lot of luck on his side. Some pitchers can maintain a track record of having a FIP higher than their ERA (Matt Cain did this for years), but it almost always catches up to you. Plus, again, Gray will have a home stadium clogged with turds for at least another few seasons. There's no luck in that.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Arrested Development season 4. On paper, everything looked like a great idea but holy shit was it just not worth doing. Does that mean I think the 2016 Oakland A's should just not bother playing this season? Yes it does. Would anyone notice?

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 San Diego Padres

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we throw things back to Cali (ugh) with the San Diego Padres!

2015 Finish: 74-88 (4th place in NL West)

So Long: Dale Thayer, Josh Johnson, Ian Kennedy, Nud Borris, Justin Upton, Cory Luebke, Joaquin Benoit, Craig Kimbrel, WIll Middlebrooks, Yonder Alonso, Jed Gyorko

Welcome: Josmil Pinto, Philip Humber, Drew Pomeranz, Jon Jay, Fernando Rodney

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Cory Spangenberg 2B
2. Derek Norris C
3. Wil Myers 1B
4. Matt Kemp LF
5. Yangervis Solarte 3B
6. Alexei Ramirez SS
7. Melvin Upton RF
8. Jon Jay CF

Starting Rotation: James Shields, Andrew Cashner, Tyson Ross, Robbie Erlin, Brandon Maurer, Colin Rae, Drew Pomeranz, Brandon Morrow (really??)
Setup: Jon Edwards
Closer: Fernando Rodney

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Rumor has it, I steer the ship with my eyes closed"
    - Drake, 'Charged Up'

Holy crap, could the Padres use some new direction.

It seems like every year, there's at least one team that barely did better than expectations the season before and blindly goes all-in during the offseason trying to buy their way to a playoff berth. Remember when the Marlins signed Jose Reyes and Mark Buehrle before the 2012 season only to trade both of them just a few months later? Or the spending spree the Diamondbacks have gone on this offseason? That was the Padres prior to last season, beating out the Cubs to sign James Shields to a long term deal. But the Padres weren't done, trading not only for Craig Kimbrel to shore up the bullpen, but also Wil Myers, Justin Upton and Matt Kemp, hoping they would provide enough offense to snag at least a Wild Card spot.

That did not happen. While Kemp had one of his better seasons in recent memory, Myers hurt himself and Jed "Gyork Store" Gyorko proved that his rookie season was a complete fluke and the Padres fell apart. The only thing keeping them from finishing in the basement of their division was the grease fire that is the Colorado Rockies.

So the Padres pushed all their chips in and traded most of their future for Kimbrel/Upton/Myers/Kemp and it blew up in their faces. Where do they go from there? If you guessed 'sink further into the toilet', you win! Justin Upton left as a free agent, so that was a complete sunk cost. Trading Kimbrel brought back nothing of note in return. And Matt Kemp's awesome hamstrings are due for a blowout any day now. Seriously, look at that lineup. Spangenberg? Yangervis? Sorry, but I don't watch that show. And judging from the team they're putting on the field this year, neither will anyone in San Diego. Oh well...at least they still have the Chargers, right? Right?

Reason To Watch: Honestly, there are none. Kemp may be their best player, but his best days are way behind him. Wil Myers can't stay healthy. They have no 'ace' in the rotation (The closest thing is Tyson Ross and he's halfway out the door). Honestly, if you can name one legitimate reason to watch this team,...AJ Preller will probably trade half his roster for it and cover 30% of their remaining contracts.

Reason To Drink: Take your pick. There are about 10 things that immediately come to mind that could cause even casual Padres fans to drink straight gasoline before swallowing a match and going all Thích Quảng Đức on the Saigon World Tour. One of the worst is that after trading away most of their assets, the Padres still don't have a single prospect in the top 50 of Baseball America's rankings, and just 3 amongst the top 100. So not only are the Padres terrible now, but they're going to be bad until...always?

The Fans: As a San Diego resident for a few years, I can say that the Padres fans I met were all very passionate and knowledgeable and realistic about whatever their team's current state was. And there are about 32 of them total. I'm not kidding.

Their Worst Contract: Honestly, there's not a single awful contract on this team. Sure, James Shields and Matt Kemp both making $21 million each isn't great, but both can provide decent seasons, even at their current advanced ages. And having Justin Upton at only $15.4 million is a steal!

Wait...they're paying MELVIN Upton $15 million? The other Upton? The TERRIBLE Upton?

PICTURED: 2016 Padres fans. And the 2016 Padres season.

Fantasy Standout: Tyson Ross is good. On one hand, he has no idea where any of his pitches are going. On the other hand, he does it in the old Kerry Wood way where it leads to a ton of strikeouts. I have no idea how he throws as many sliders as he does without having his elbow go all Scanners. Hey, the Kerry Wood comparisons might not be finished!

Tyson Ross' elbow come June or so

Fantasy Bust: Some people are going to be targeting James Shields thinking he'll have a bounce-back from his sub-par 2015. Those people are going to be kicking themselves when he has the same inflated home run rate while striking out even less batters.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Shameless on Showtime. Sure, it's still going, but is anyone actually watching it? Either way, it's best times are in the past. Yeah, you can watch it, but don't expect to be able to talk about it with anyone at work because they aren't.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Miami Marlins

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Light up the gaudy flamingo because it's time for the Miami Marlins!

Subdued and tasteful...just like Miami.

2015 Finish: 71-91 (Third Place in NL East)

So Long: Reid Brignac, Donovan Solano, Casey McGehee, Henderson Alvarez

Welcome: Justin Maxwell, Dustan McGowan, Chris Johnson, Edwin Jackson, Wei-Yin Chen, Craig Breslow

Projected Lineup: (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Dee Gordon 2B
2. Christian Yelich LF
3. Giancarlo Stanton RF
4. Justin Bour 1B
5. Marcell Ozuna CF
6. Martin Prado 3B
7. J.T. Realmuto C
8. Adeiny Hechavarria SS

Starting Rotation: Jose Fernandez, Wei-Yin Chen, Tom Koehler, Jarred Cosart, Edwin Jackson
Setup: Clearly made up people like Brad Hand, Carter Capps, and Kyle Barraclough
Closer: A.J. Ramos

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Jeffrey Loria wants all the glory-a, so he fired his manager and hired another...manager"
    - Drake, '305 Rhapsody'

Last season was a uniquely Marlins tire fire. Their two best players missed huge chunks of time due to injuries and their owner fired yet another manager midseason only to replace him with the GM who had never coached or managed baseball before. On the bright side Dee Gordon had a surprisingly fantastic year and Ichiro pitched. Nevertheless, the season ended pretty much how you would expect with a 71-91 record. Somehow there were two worse teams in the division, so hey, third place! That's almost respectable.

The Marlins looked at all of that and pretty much said, yeah, more of that will be fine. Their big offseason acquisitions were Wei-Yin Chen, Chris Johnson, and Edwin Jackson who I assume is working for tips at this point. They have another new manager in Don Mattingly (more on him below) and a new GM. Check that. They don't actually appear to have a GM. Classic Marlins!

2016 will likely be better only because Jose Fernandez and Giancarlo Stanton are back. On the other hand, Don Mattingly and Chris Johnson exist, so it looks like another sub-500 season for Miami. If anyone actually cared, they would be disappointed.

Reason To Watch: Giancarlo Stanton and Barry Bonds. What will happen when one of the best hitters in the game today pairs with possibly the best hitter of all time? A few possibilities:

(1) Nothing - Bonds gets bored by May and goes home. Stanton continues on his natural course.
(2) Bonds teaches him something - Can Barry actually coach him up? If Stanton can learn anything from Bonds, holy shit we're in for a treat.
(3) Bonds hooks him up with a "supplement" guy - This is my preferred scenario. I miss the steroid era and want to see Stanton hit 80 home runs. Make it happen.

Reason To Drink: Don Mattingly. Given that Loria made his GM with no coaching experience the interim manager last year, I shouldn't be surprised they hired Mattingly, but as a Dodger fan, I can only assume he's never seen Donny in action. Don is one of the worst tacticians in the game today. He was reportedly a "good clubhouse guy," but that's the managerial equivalent of calling someone "scrappy." It's a polite way of saying they suck. Mattingly was so bad with the Dodgers I tried to think of an equivalent of WAR for managers. WARM (Wins Above Replacement Manager) would have clearly shown how terrible he is. I gave up after a few minutes.

The Fans: The Marlins have exactly three fans: (1) Ira Liebowitz - Mr. Liebowitz moved to south Florida after retiring from a long career at a New York bank. He loves golf and his husky Goldie. (2) Eddie "Stink" Mulvane - Eddie runs a junk yard outside of Homestead and lives with his common law wife Maureen. Together they have 6 children. (3) Marco Rubio - A sweaty ne'er-do-well and son of Cuban immigrants, Marco spends most of his time interviewing for jobs way over his head.

Their Worst Contract: Don Mattingly. See above. Did he ever shave those sideburns? I hope so. He recently instituted a no facial hair policy for the Marlins. If anyone could get caught by his own facial hair policy, it's Don. Mattingly will be the 10th Marlins manager since Loria took over the team in 2002, so at least it'll all be over soon.

Fantasy Standout: Giancarlo Stanton. My "Stanton-on-roids" wet dream aside, this guy is still amazing. In 74 games last year, he lead the majors with 27 home runs and 67 RBI before his season ended due to injury. A healthy Stanton could easily jack 50+ home runs even without roids. Seriously though. Please do steroids.

Fantasy Bust: Dee Gordon. You don't think that's going to happen again do you?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Every Pitbull song ever. Haha, Mr. 305! That's Miami's area code gang.

Ira's dog Goldie - She likes Jarred Cosart and eating cat poop.

BREAKING NEWS: Folwer Spurns Orioles To GET THAT RING With The Cubs!

Coming WAY out of left field (or technically center field), Dexter Fowler is now back with the Cubs!

Wait...what?

Yes, it's true. Apparently Theo took the field at Spring Training to announce the deal right as Fowler walked out to join his teammates. That's some total WWE Surprise Entrance shit right there!

With Schwarber and Heyward and Soler in the OF, does this point to a trade coming? All we heard in the offseason was how much the Cubs front office loves Soler, so if he is the odd man out, I feel like he'd only be moved for a BIG return. Obviously this has something to do with Coghlan being shipped to Oakland about an hour ago.

Either way, the best team in baseball just got BETTER. I can't even take it. Opening Day cannot get here fast enough.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Colorado Rockies

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Colorado Rockies!

HURR I'M WALT WEISS

Last Season: 68-94 (Dead Last Place in NL West)

So Long: Kyle Kendrick, Justin Morneau, John Axford, Rex Brothers, Wilin Rosario, Corey Dickerson, Christian Friedrich

Welcome: Jason Motte, Chad Qualls, Mark Reynolds, Gerardo Parra, Jake McGee

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
Charlie Blackmon CF
Jose Reyes SS
Carlos Gonzalez RF
Nolan Arenado 3B
Gerardo Parra LF
DJ LeMahieu 2B
Mark Reynolds 1B
Nick Hundley C

Starting Rotation: Jorge de la Rosa, David Hale, Chad Bettis, Chris Rusin, Jon Gray, Yohan Flande
Setup: Jason Motte, Jairo Diaz
Closer: Jake McGee

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season:

"Hey yo, where'd you get this place from, the Hellhole Store?"

    - Das Racist, 'Rainbow in the Dark'

Ahhh, Denver. Those fans don't know how lucky they truly are. If it wasn't for the legal marijuana and the Super Bowl Honeymoon Afterglow, they would have nothing to really distract them from how piss-poor the Rockies are. And they really do run the gamut of truly sucking both on and off the field. Yes they have what looks like a pretty good offense, but here's exactly what the Rockies are gonna do to the prime years of Nolan Arenado's career: surround him with juuuuust enough talent on offense to score 6 runs a game at home and fold that right in with a pitching staff that's a safe bet to give up 9. It's what they did for Tulo's prime. And Carlos Gonzalez's. And Todd Helton's. And Matt Holliday's. And Larry Walker's.

I will give their front office this: I sure as hell don't know what to do with this team either. They tried to out-bash the other team in the early Andres Gallaraga/Dante Bichette/Blake Street Bombers days and that didn't work. They tried to go pitching and defense in the Mike Hampton/Denny Neagle/Juan Pierre days and that also didn't work. Hell, the World Series run they went on 2007 (Rockies in 6!) came off the back of a fluke win in the Wild Card game to even reach the first round (Holliday was out so get over it, Denver).

That said, the front office is quickly moving up the speed dial of every other GM in the league. They trade Tulowitzki for Latin Chris Brown at SS after wasting all but one of his seasons in Denver. Then they fail to cash in on John Axford before he turned back into a mouthbreathing 4.20 ERA (ha ha 420 get it???) pitcher. Then they sign Gerrardo Parra to an already-full outfield, losing leverage in any/all trade talks because everyone knew the Rockies had to move someone. When they did move their one cheap and talented asset (Corey Dickerson), they got back...a closer? What kind of rebuilding team trades for a closer? Corey Dickerson doesn't even go to arbitration until 2017 and you trade him for a closer?

And Denver fans still have the 'Carlos Gonzalez For 2 AA Pitchers With Control Problems And A Used Treadmill' trade to look forward to this season!

Reason To Watch: There's only one acceptable reason: a hitter on your fantasy team is playing at Coors. That's it.

Reason To Drink: Not only did the Rockies give up Troy Tulowitzki for Jose Reyes and some Mad Dog 20/20, but now Jose Reyes goes all Josh Brolin with the domestic violence thing? Seriously, I cannot stress how awful this front office is.

The Fans: Come mid April? Something like this:



Their Worst Contract: They're paying Jose Reyes $22 million this season. They're paying Jorge De La Rosa $12.5 million this season. Christ, even Justin Morneau is making $750K and Justin Morneau is legally dead (#ctegone2soon).

Fantasy Standout: Nolan Arenado. Kid is legit and he actually got kind of unlucky on home run % last year (or I've had too much to drink already and it's the exact opposite but I know I read something at some point in a blog much better than ours there I said it don't you look at me like that whatever just go to the next one

Fantasy Bust: How have we gotten through three team previews before I realized that we're typing 'FANTASY BUST'? That sounds like a push up bra you would find in a gas station. And not a nice gas station. Like a gas station for dogs who are poor. Don't ask me why the dogs stick to cars that still burn oil and refuse to go electric, thus continuing demand for locally dog-owned gas stations to exist. It's probably why they're poor.

The Human Behavior Oddity Equivalent To This Team Is: That touristy thing to do in your area that everyone from out of town wants to do but because you live so close to it you actually never get around to it because you take for granted that it's there for you to do any time. Maybe 2 times over an entire summer you think "Oh yeah, that's still a thing, huh?" and then completely forget about it all over again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Atlanta Braves

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Atlanta Braves!

2015 Finish: 67-95 (Fourth Place in NL East)

So Long: Ross Detwiler, Edwin Jackson, Andrelton Simmons, Sugar Ray Marimon, Cameron Maybin, Pedro Ciriaco, Mike Minor, Shelby Miller, Christian Bethancourt, Joey Terdoslavich

Welcome: Reid Brignac, Erick Aybar, Nud Borris, Jim Johnson (again), Gordon Beckham, Jose Ramirez, Emilio Bonifacio, Dansby Swanson, Ender Inciarte, Tyler Flowers, Jhoulys Chacin, Kyle Kendrick, Alexi Ogando, Kelly Johnson, Jeff Francoeur,

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ender Inciarte LF
2. Erick Aybar SS
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Freddie Freeman 1B
5. Adonis Garcia 3B
6. Jace Peterson 2B
7. Michael Bourn CF
8. Tyler Flowers C

Starting Rotation: Julio Teheran, Mike Foltynewicz (Injured), Manny Banuelos (Injured), Matt Wisler, Nud Borris
Setup: Jim Johnson
Closer: Arodys Vizcaino, Jason Grilli

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 

"FUCK YOU!"

    - Cee Lo Green, 'Fuck You'

Long an envied franchise in the majors, things have become a bit bleak in Atlanta these days. At 350-1 "favorites" to win the World Series, these ain't your dad's Braves! Wait. Actually they might be. See, your dad probably remembers the Superstation TBS days when if they weren't airing Sanford & Son reruns or Clash of the Titans, they broadcast Braves baseball. And from 1985 to 1990 that was some shiiiiiiiitty baseball.

The Braves are in a rebuild right now. Getting ready for a new stadium (About time! Turner Field is 2 decades old!), the team is gearing up for another run in a couple years. So until then, fans will get to sit by and watch their team get trounced in 2016. At least that race to the bottom of the NL East with Philadelphia will be fun to watch, right? OK, maybe not.

Reason To Watch: Freddie Freeman (1B) If there's one dude that's still underrated it's him. He's been in the majors for a while now but is only 26 years old. He had a down season last year due to injury but has always had a solid OBP and can hit for power. He should bounce back this season and with a contract that locks him in until 2022, he's a critical piece to the eventual renaissance in Atlanta.

Reason To Drink: Break out the moonshine because it's gonna be a long season. While there's going to be plenty of things to drink about, that bullpen may be the top one. Arodys Vizcaino could very well settle in as closer just fine, but I'll bet you Jim Johnson doesn't finish out the year in this pen, or even the team for that matter. Jason Grilli is another aging question mark as well. The good news is they might not have too many leads to preserve anyway, so...yay?

The Fans: I was gonna go all shitty stereotypical about Southern people here, but then I read this piece about the new stadium and lack of reasonable access to get there and I just felt bad. So on top of your team being shitty you could also die crossing a highway just to get there? Jesus, take the wheel.

Proposed highway signage outside SunTrust Park

Their Worst Contract: Michael Bourn and Nick Swisher. Last season the Braves traded Chris Johnson to the Indians for Bourn and Swisher and cash. While Cleveland is paying for $10 million toward their 2016 salaries this season, the Braves are still on the hook for another $19 million between the two of them. Would they be better off with Chris Johnson then?  Probably not. Cleveland released him outright and will still owe him like $15 million to play baseball for another team over the next couple seasons. Both Bourn and Swisher have vesting options in 2017 but each needs to reach 550 plate appearances to get there. I have little faith either could reach that goal this season. Hell, is Nick Swisher even alive any more? Also can I just say fuck Chris Johnson? He'll get his TMS Most Wanted feature soon enough.

Fantasy Standout: Freddie Freeman. The down 2015 makes him a bit of a value pick at 1B, and if your league plays OBP instead of AVG, even better.

Fantasy Bust: No one. To say "Bust" would be to assume they were gonna be good in the first place, which they're not. Most of these guys range from shitty to cromulent to cromulently shitty.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Seeing a popular 80s band now. Yeah everything sort of looks and sounds familiar, but it's just not the same and overall pretty depressing. Do you guys like the Doobie Brothers? Because the Braves got one of them!