Hi Guys!

War Criminal: Commercials

Not many things annoy me. I can handle the screaming baby on the plane, the flat tire in the rain (in AZ, nonetheless), and even shopping on the day before Christmas. But commercials annoy the living b'Jesus out of me. Fortunately, thanks to modern technology like Tivo and DV-R most the shows I watch are recorded so I can triple-f (fast-fucking-forward) right over them. But once in a while I have to watch something live. Like sporting events. And Jersey Shore. Here are a couple that piss me off the most.

Subway, Michael Phelps and the Winter Olympics
So Michael Phelps just smoked the biggest bag of weed ever. So much that he is SO hungry that he just keeps swimming and swimming, all the way to Subway, which unlike where I live is not right around the corner. No, Mr. Bongwater wants Subway from Canada. Why? Because it's the Olympics, dumbass. The ad whiz's at Subway figured that America is so stupid that we can only equate the Olympics with Michael Phelps, even though his Olympics won't be around for another 2 and half years.

The Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet
Taking directly from our previous brand, Taco Bell has launched it's all new diet menu. Yep, cause when I think healthy, I think Taco Bell. So they took off the cheese, big fucking deal. I still yo no quero Taco Bell. Unless it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm wasted, which is exactly the time that I am thinking about my girlish figure. How can the same restaurant offer a healthy menu and a fourth meal? Apparently eating only 3 times wasn't good enough for you fatty. Honestly though, four meals isn't enough for me. Brunch isn't only for Sundays anymore. But don't worry, one of those meals is off the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet Menu, so I'm eating healthy.

Ford F-150 and Reading
You know, I like Denis Leary (in spite of the fact that he spells his name like a douche). I like his stand-up. I like Rescue Me. But I can't stand his fucking commercial for the Ford F-150. A recent trend in commercials is to have a top named celebrity do the overdubbing. The theory is simple-you recognize the voice, but can't quite place it, so you think about more and more, thus making you so insane that you remember the product. Except you don't. I know J.D. from Scrubs is water, but I can't remember what fucking water to drink. DAMN IT! But I digress. The thing I hate most about the Ford F-150 commercials is that every time Denis Leary says something, the words he has just spoken fly onto the screen in some "hip and edgy" manner in a "grungy" and "manly" font. It's almost as cliche as a Michael Cerra movie title being in some hand drawn font. On the upside, if I was deaf I would still understand the commercial. If only there was some type of way they could get the words to what everyone was saying on the screen for all the other shows and commercials. Fuck, until then I guess I will just have to read the lips of everyone on TV. Was that, "I love you" or "elephant juice"?

Cialis
Even though I am on the fast track to needing this stuff, what with the heavy drinking, poor diet, chronic masturbation and all, I still hate thinking about old people boning down. It's gross. Unless you're talking about Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. HOT! But that's not what annoys me the most. How the fuck do these old people get those tubs everywhere? Oh, it's just a metaphor. I get it. Because when I think of sitting in a tepid pool of my own filth, I immediately get horny.

Southwest Airlines
Southwest loves my bags. You know how I know? Because they tell they do right in their commercials. Apparently the guys at my airport didn't get the memo though, as whenever I see my bags boarding the plane, they are being thrown about without a care in the world. And when I say my bags, I really mean your bags, because I'm a guy and even a 2 week vacation will not stop me from using only carry on luggage.

Well, I don't think I can take it anymore. Got any commercials you hate?

Have You Seen Me?

One of my friends has a coworker who recently went to the Cubs convention. Before she went he gave her a ball to collect a few signatures. It came back with a few obvious ones (Lou, Marshall, etc...). It also came with this signature. I have no idea who this could be. The first name starts with an S or a G and the last name looks like it begins with "Mc". Could it be that some random person just convinced this poor girl that they played for the Cubs?

Here are our guesses thus far:

Sark McGuire
Sammy McDonalds
Gammy McSosa
Sodd McHollandsworth
Sadaam McDreamy
Gary McCord
McG

The Great McGwire Mea Culpa Dilemma

Bigger than the return of Greg Maddux to the Cubs organization yesterday, was Mark McGwire's announcement about his steroid use. The ginger behemoth admitted to the world that he did in fact use performance enhancing drugs, including in 1998 when he broke the single season home run record. In other news, water is wet, the sky is blue, and Jenna Jameson has seen more dick than the Boston Celtics' locker room. While I'm sure that for Cardinal fans, this comes as a bigger shock than finding out Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father, the rest of the baseball world lets out a collective meh. But I'm not here to talk about the past.

Oh, bullshit, yes I am. This announcement by McGwire might have had a little more meaning if he'd manned up and mentioned it in front of Congress. Oh, I know, he was advised by his lawyers not to speak, even though he now claims he wanted to come clean. And I'm sure that same lawyer had a gun in McGwire's back the whole time he was testifying or whatever it was that he did at that sorry excuse for a hearing. And Cardinal fans, I'm not giving the Cubs' own Slammin' Sammy a pass on this one either, as he was just as embarrassing as your boy. At least McGwire didn't have a lawyer read a written statement, claiming poor English as an excuse. Now that McGwire has owned up to his misdeeds, I would hope that Sammy has the good sense to follow suit.

What annoys me about the McGwire statement is that I personally believe that the only reason he's repenting now is because he's been given the position of hitting coach for the Cardinals this season. I'm sure he's only coming clean is so he won't have to answer questions about this for the entirety of the season. At this point in the whole steroid debacle, maybe it's a little ridiculous of me, but I think having a hitting coach who's an admitted cheater might just affect the credibility of whatever performance he gets from the players this season. What kind of example is he going to be setting for the kids who come up from AAA ball? "Make sure you practice your fundamentals, kids!" Wink wink nudge nudge. "It's what worked for me!" The Cubs find themselves in a somewhat similar situation, as Rudy Jaramillo comes over from the Rangers, a hotbed of PEDs at the height of the steroids era. However, Jaramillo never set a homerun record or served as a co-saviour of the sport. McGwire did.

If baseball is truly to put the specter of PEDs behind it once and for all, it needs to divest itself of those who profited the most from that era. Rewarding McGwire and others like him by allowing them to return to the game after sullying the sport and then lying about it sends the wrong kind of message. If you're going to do that, then you might as well allow Pete Rose in the Hall and just stop this nonsense about testing and maintaining the "purity" of the sport. What I see is this: McGwire cheated. He lied about cheating. Now he's given a chance to return to the game and the fans are expected to believe that he will do an honest job with the Cardinals' young players. Because he says so. Because Tony LaRussa says so. Because Bud Selig says so? It's not the past we should be talking about. It's the present and future of the credibility of the sport.

The Mad Dog Returns to Chicago

Greg Maddux is returning to the Cubs, not to step back on the Wrigley Field mound, but as an assistant to GM Jim Hendry. Maddux will assist the coaches at the both major and minor league spring training and most notably will be "assisting in the development of Cubs minor leaguers during the regular season and assisting Hendry and the baseball operations department in talent evaluation." (per the MLB.com article).

Granted, Maddux might know shit-all about developing minor league talent. However, I'm more than willing to take that chance. This is probably the best goddamn move the Cubs have made in two seasons, which really says something about the trades and free agent acquisitions of the past couple offseasons. The only sucky thing is that they didn't hire him to be the pitching coach. Cub pitchers learned more from Maddux in his second tenure with Chicago then they ever did from Larry Rothschild. Welcome back to Chicago, Professor!

Pop Culture Gauntlet Results

Boba Fett (13 votes) vs. Fried Chicken (13 votes)
Remarkably, these two combatants tied in their duel. Instead of "two men enter, one man leaves", they just kind of got winded, shook hands, and limped out of Thunderdome bow-legged. Sure, Boba Fett carries a little too much of a nostalgic fanboy base. But seriously, fried chicken? Of course it tastes good, but man, it's just not good for you. Perhaps the fried chicken voters will get their cummupance when they resort to watching the Star Wars films whilst recouperating from their enevitable quadruple bypass surgery. Will we replay this battle due to the tie? C'mon, of course not.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (6 votes) vs. Boxer Briefs (15 votes)
This was a relative blowout. One of the most influential voices of dissent in the Soviet era lost his matchup to underwear. How embarrassing. OK, he may have been a bit cantankerous, but surely Solzhenitsyn's cultural contributions were more important than snug-fitting junk. But the people have spoken, and the result is honored. We attempted to get a quote out of Chip Wesley's boxer briefs, but they were busy around Chip's ankles as he wiped his ass while standing up.

The Karate Kid (14 votes) vs. Miles Davis (22 votes)
Our readers have spoken, and they indeed prove that The Karate Kid is overrated. Sure, it was a memorable film, and we were all at an impressionable age when it was released. But 25 years on, it's been relegated to fodder for Bill Simmons columns, it's overly misquoted by drunk thirty-something males, and it is being remade with Jackie Chan and Will Smith's son. Horrible! When you stand it up to the imcomparable Miles Davis, there is really no competition. If the Karate Kid were wiped from the Earth, no one would be the wiser. If Miles Davis' music was suddenly nonexistent, well, music just may not be what it is today.

More Lost Diary

Did I also mention that I'm trying not to drink for the entire month? At any moment I may suddenly veer sharply away from the plot and start racially categorizing the work crew fixing the train tracks across from my window.

Season 1, Ep. 5

Sweet Jesus, enough with the eye zoom. Just once it would be nice to start an episode zooming away from Hurley's gaping belly button. Jack just had his ass handed to him trying to stick up for a schoolyard friend. And now he's awake and swimming out to rescue a woman in the ocean because Charlie can't swim. No one thinks to help him. Great job guys.

There's that guy in the suit again. And he's gone. Of course he is.

There are 46 people in the group? I keep forgetting that since only about ten of them have names. And they're running low on water. Back to Jack's memory. He's talking to his dad about making decisions. His dad "has what it takes". His dad doesn't think Jack does. That's a little harsh. Suit sighting number three. Hello Jack's dad.

Locke hasn't done something cool in over 15 minutes. I DEMAND SOMETHING AWESOME!

There, phew!

Now Jack's father has left home and his mother need Jack to go bring him back. From Australia. Claire fell down. Where's your astrology now, huh Claire? Someone stole the water and Locke is going to get it back. MOUNT UP!

Jack can't find his father in Australia or the jungle. There he is! Wait, no, that's a cliff. Does Jack "have what it takes" to climb up? Ah, Locke is there to save him.

We have another tattoo sighting, and this one's on Charlie. "Living is easy with eyes closed." For those keeping track, the Asian couple are both Korean and Chinese.

"A leader can't lead 'til he knows where he's going." Jack's father is dead. Now Jack is back in the jungle chasing a sound. Water! And...a doll? And...more dolls. And Jack's father's casket. Without Jack's father. OK, I didn't see that coming.

Turns out the lifeguard took the water. And before they can crucify him, Jack comes back and starts to lead. Yes we can!

Season 1, Ep. 6

Ah, we've reached the "previously on Lost" stage of the game. No turning back now. It looks like Kate is just as curious as I am about the meaning of tattoos. How terribly interesting.

House of the Rising Sun. Her name is Sun. I see what you did there. NICE form tackle! He didn't expect the weak-side Chinese blitz. No one ever does. Sayid to the rescue.

Drugs? DON'T MIND IF I DO! And after that, how about a whole mess of bees? BEES! THEY'RE RIPPING MY FLESH OFF! Quick, take refuge next to these mummified corpses. White and black again. Perhaps a doomed race of backgammon champions?

Aw, a puppy. And a workaholic! Jack wants to bring people into the mummy cave. Seems REASONable.

Oh man, the husband is a ninja. A management ninja!

I was totally right about Locke wanting to join Drive Shaft. Mark it. Wait, where did Sayid get an ax?

People are divided about what to do. Again. Uh oh, we've a runaway bride situation developing. A runaway bride that speaks English, no less.

Alright, Locke knows how everything works. Prepare yourselves for some face-melting acoustic guitar solos! From now on each episode will be given a Locke rating.

Oh man, there's no time like ax time! Did you feel that? Yeah, you felt it.

This episode wasn't great but it had its moments and took care of some necessary plot details. I award it three Lockes.

Lost Diary

After all the initial introductions, plot, etc...I'm back for more; this time armed with a fresh pot of coffee and a sandwich.

Season 1, Ep. 3

Back on the beach. The cop is talking to Jack about his missing handcuffs and Jack learns that Kate is the criminal. So much for that mystery. Sayid is giving us a geography lesson with a rock and a stick. Sawyer suggests that they turn their attention back to the haunting broadcast they heard a bit earlier. He looks like he should be working at PacSun. He's smarter than he looks. Sayid suggests they keep this nugget of information secret. I'm sure that won't have any repercussions. Hurley finds out about Kate.

More gun talk. I say they give it to Sawyer, who managed to kill a charging polar bear with a handgun. Smash-cut to Kate's backstory. Annie? She helped an old Australian farmer with a fake arm. Alrighty. Back to the present. Kate breaks the pact! That took less than ten minutes.

Surprise, Hurley doesn't want to go into the plane. Jack and Sawyer have an enlightening back-and-forth. Shellfish AND heavy lifting for the pregnant woman? At this pace she will give birth to a chicken burrito. Hurley is afraid of everything. With his shadow we would always have six more months of winter.

Back to the Kate/Annie story. She's leaving the farm but is persuadedto stay one more night. "Everyone deserves a fresh start."

Ominous music.

The marshall wakes up and strangles Kate until Jack intervenes. How hard can it be to defend yourself against a guy who just underwent major surgery on a beach with a straight razor? Kate wants Jack Kevorkian to off the guy. Jack doesn't respond well to this. Back to Kate being driven to the train station. There's a black (evil) suburban following them and we find out the farmer sold her out for the reward money. Bummer.

Now we know checkers' name is Mr. Locke. The secret was that a miracle happened to him. That doesn't help at all. The search for Vincent continues. That doesn't sound like a golden lab. NAKED! Locke is making a whistle. Perhaps he has a future in Drive Shaft. Why are they making 12 separate small fires instead of keeping one large one burning? There's only one bullet left in the gun. Back to the outback. Kate flips the truck and saves the one-armed man but gets caught. Hurley calls Kate "the fugitive" but she SAVED the one-armed man. GUNSHOT! I know what happened. Wait, I was wrong. Sawyer shot him...in the chest. Dumbass.


I bet Locke's whistle is to call the dog. Ha! I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! Here we go: what Kate did. Or not. Again, starting over. I'm beginning to think that's some sort of "theme". Everyone is BFF now, even the Osmonds. F-A-T-E to L-A-T-E. SLOW MOTION RUN TO VINCENT! Wait, more ominous music and Locke. C'mon!

Season 1, Ep. 4

They really love using the "zoom in on the opening eye" shot. Vincent knows there's something afoot. What's in the plane? Wild boar. Jack thinks they should burn the bodies so they won't attracts more animals but Sayid protests saying that it would be disrespectful.

Sayid is like the professor on Gilligan's island. Next on the docket, a coconut iPod. A blue one, please. Hurley and Sawyer are fighting over the last peanuts. Food committee: fail. Things Locke knows a lot about: backgammon, whittling, throwing knives and wild boars.

Sayid
TPS reports. Nice.

C'mon people, put the knives on sticks and make spears. Doesn't anyone watch Man vs. Wild? Claire says her little burrito is doing well and thinks they should hold a memorial for the dead in the plane. Clearly Jack = Science and Claire/Sayid = Religion.

"Yes yes, I am the bass guitarist for..." Classic Charlie.

Back to the jungle. YES. Locke is like Danny from Predator. "Ain't no man." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk instead of use signs. Is Locke playing Risk? His stock is rising by the minute. Locke's boss Randy is a gigantic asshole. "Don't tell me what I can't do."

Charlie and Hurley fishing was brilliant. Locke's first name is John? That's interesting. Perhaps Locke is also an empiricist? Yikes, Helen costs $89.95 an hour and doesn't want his extra walkabout ticket. That's awkward...um, does anyone need a refill on coffee?

Kate climbs trees like a ring tailed lemur! Annnnnd Locke sees the huge thing in the jungle. But we don't. Charlie likes Shannon. That is, until he finds out he was used. Women are cruel.

GUY IN A WELL-TAILORED SUIT!

Kate thinks Locke is gone. Locke is not gone. There's Locke! With dinner! Names being read. Charlie is almost out of hash. Jack is not among those mourning the dead.

The walkabout company...LOCKE COULDN'T WALK AND NOW HE CAN!

Dammit, the Championship is on tonight. That's going to cut into this. I'll have to put in some OT tomorrow.

Pop Culture Gauntlet: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners

Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.

Today's match: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners

William "Refrigerator" Perry

As most of you know, The Fridge was a defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears from 1985-1993, followed by a season with the Philadelphia Eagles. He was one of the most dominant and terrifying, yet charismatic players ever to grace the National Football League. His menacing physique (6' 2", 382 lbs) struck fear in the hearts of opposing offenses. Though he primarily played defense, Perry was occasionally used as a blocker for running back Walter Payton. He even scored two running touchdowns in his career, including one in Super Bowl XX.

Even before his playing career ended, The Fridge was a sought-after pop culture celebrity. Perry had a memorable guest spot in an episode of The A-Team, participated in Wrestlemania 2, and lent his considerable rapping skills to groups such as The Fat Boys, not to mention the infamous Superbowl Shuffle. In 2002, you may remember that he participated in a celebrity boxing match against former TMS Man of the Year, Manute Bol. Unfortunately, The Fridge lost that battle in the third round. More recently, Perry has suffered from complications due to Guillain-Barre syndrome, an inflammation disorder which he was diagnosed with in 2008. Our sincerest hopes that The Fridge, one of our most beloved cultural icons, is doing well.

Strengths: intimidating size; beloved by an entire city, and most of the country; recorded a pro-peace, anti-drug rap song with Walter Payton called "Together" in 1999.

Weaknesses: appeared in an episode of According to Jim; only lasted five minutes in the 2003 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest; participated in the 2006 Lingerie Bowl.

Fun Fact: Perry had his own G.I. Joe action figure in the 1980's.

Cocktail Wieners

If there was ever a food item that cried "mystery meat", it is the cocktail wiener. In some regions, these miniature variations on a hot dog are known as Lil' Smokies; in Missouri, they are known as Christmas Dinner. Cocktail wieners are thought to have been created long ago by a farm wife in Iowa. Though your divorced and unemployed uncle eats these wieners as a meal unto their own, please note that you should only consume cocktail wieners if they are being served at a poker party or high school open house. You should never eat more than three in any one sitting. Despite their dainty size and shape, cocktail wieners should not be placed directly into the anus.

Traditionally, cocktail wieners are prepared in a crock pot. The general rule is one package of wieners per one bottle of barbecue sauce. Variations exist, however, such as using one can of cranberry sauce and 12 oz. of chili sauce in place of barbecue. At most grocery stores, one can find both beef and turkey wieners. You might be tempted to think that the turkey wieners are a healthy alternative. Think about that for a moment, then opt for the veggie tray. Regardless of the negative health and social ramifications, cocktail wieners are an explosion of taste in your mouth. Just ask your ghey cousin.

Strengths: bite size portions; often tangy taste; incredibly simple to prepare.

Weaknesses: the health factor; high probability of staining clothing if not handled properly; name is misleading, as they should never actually be served at a cocktail party.

Fun Fact: The number of wiener jokes you make at a party directly correlates with the likelihood that your wife will make you sleep on the couch.

Unemployed Blogger Watches Lost for the First Time

Since the launch of the show Lost on ABC, I've been strongly encouraged by friends and enemies alike to start watching. Things began to get ugly until I finally gave in, due to lack of alternatives and a general coldness outside. In order to finish the 101 episodes before the premiere on Feb 2nd, I'll need to average 4 episodes per day. Hulu has posted every single episode online so I'll be watching them, alone, in my darkened apartment on my aging computer. I'll be writing up a little play-by-play as I watch and posting it here for all to enjoy. Let the insanity begin!

Season 1, Ep. 1

Dog shows up. Dog runs away. Disoriented guy with scratches on his face finds booze in his pocket. So far this is like me on a Tuesday. Evidence of some type of "plane" crash. LOUD NOISES. Hot girl in skirt. Seems like a pretty nice day out. Guy screaming for help. Pregnant girl on the beach. It's Go Time! Guy gets sucked into the engine. Fat guy looks like Raggedy Anne. KABOOM! Hobbit is unfazed.

Jack is hurt. Hurt real bad. He's got a tattoo, like Chaim. It's sewing time! Fear something something. These two like each other. Like like. F-A-T-E. Hot girl is kind of a bitch. Raggedy Anne is eating all the rations from the plane. Raggedy Anne will now be called Milhouse. The front and the back of the plane are missing. Smoke in the valley. Probably not important. Some pretty loud noises in the jungle and the trees are going crazy.

Back on the plane. Just a little turbulence, everything is fine. Just the masks, everything will be fine. Kate just stole that guy's Jordans! Kate and Charlie don't know each other...OR DO THEY? Charlie is in Drive Shaft. There's that damn dog again. The trees do not like the rain. Hello front of plane. How are you today? Pilots were in the cockpit. Not anymore. One pilot is alive. Transceiver! What's that sound? What's right outside? The dog? Is the dog right outside? OK nowwww the pilot is out of the cockpit. Running and then the 1-5 fear thing. Got it. Bloody pilot up in the tree.

Rub some dirt on it, pussy
Season 1, Ep. 2

Transceiver is still busted. Charlie death stare. Back to the plane. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Ah, drugs. Shockingly, the plane breaks apart again.

Ever seen a Hobbit...ON WEED?
Hot girl is sunbathing. I do not mind. Pregnant girl looks like she's thinking of sunbathing. I mind. Asian girl finally says something to the guy from the crappy Matrix movies. Oh the DOG belongs to the KID! It's the KID's DOG!

Smear the queer on the beach. Sayid and Milhouse are friends. Transceiver might work from the mountain. It will not work. Ha, yeah, the big guy needs some food. Charlie is trippin' balls. Hot girl is named Shannon. Shannon. I'm making a prediction now: the guy smoking all the time was the one that did it.

The "two players, two sides, one is light, one is dark" speech is important. Kid, don't listen to the crazy man who wants to tell you a secret.


Shouldn't pregnant women avoid shellfish? The "thing" is chasing the group in the jungle again. GUN! POLAR BEAR! What?

Down goes Milhouse! So KATE is the criminal. That's probably important. And Jack is working on the cop. Sayid has a bar! Something else is transmitting? Iteration 17294532. "Please help me, please come get me. I'm alone now, on the island alone. The other are dead. It killed them. It killed them all." It's been playing for 16 years and 5 months.

OMFG
Tune in tomorrow afternoon for the next bunch.

Randy Johnson Retires

Brace yourselves, one of the greatest mullets of our generation is about to call it quits. Randy Johnson was one of the most feared pitchers of all time. Seeing his mug staring at you from the mound would have been enough to shake most batters but he backed that up with enough talent to net five Cy Young (4 in a row) awards on his way to 303 career wins. One of those was perfect. During the 2001 WS with the Diamondbacks, he won 3 games including two CGs and a SO. He also struck out 4,875 batters, which is good enough for second place. That translates to a career average SO/9 of 10.67. Yikes.

Plus he can make birds magically disappear. Adios, Big Unit.

Bartender Banter: 2010, the Future is Now!

It's been sort of quiet around the Saloon the last month or so.  Allow me to update our loyal readers* on the latest happenings and what the future will hold.

NEW BLOG COMING THIS SPRING
That's right, Thunder Matt's Saloon is shutting it's doors, again**, but this time for good.  We're joining forces with two other Cubs blogs to bring you Exile on Clark Street.  A new Cubs blog with the same disappointing coverage you've come to love from the Saloon.  More details will be coming in the next couple months so stay tuned.

BEST OF 2009 POSTS
I've been getting a flood of emails from readers wondering when our Top Music and Top Movies of 2009 posts will be coming out.  Just keep your pants on for a little bit longer.  Both should come out some time in the next couple weeks.  Also look out for our "Best of the Decade" lists that will be ready in 2014.

POP CULTURE GAUNTLET

The PCG started up again this week after taking a brief hiatus.  I encourage everyone to read them and post comments arguing for or against a competitor.  The trivial debating is what makes the PCG great.  Oh, speaking of comments....

RIP HALOSCAN
Haloscan is set to die this weekend.  The company that owns them offered me a chance to keep the comments going for a monthly fee.  Seeing as how TMS's days are numbered anyway I respectfully declined.  So don't be shocked next week if the old comments are gone and any new comments are through Blogger.  I'll keep them archived in a file, most likely never to see the light of day again.  Farewell old commenting service.  While you may be gone for good we'll always have the memories.  We'll always have the crazy Billy Boyd fans ("What about Beecake?").  We'll always have Hossrex (that dumb douchebag).  And we'll always, always have Chad Cordero's dad.  Godspeed Haloscan.

DEATH LEAGUE 2010
Speaking of death, at some point I should get around to posting the latest draft results and rosters for the new season of Death League.  Over a month in and no one has scored points. None of us had picked Brittany Murphy as a wild card.  In hindsight that seemed like such an obvious pick.  Meanwhile Courtney Love amazingly remains alive, at least in the medical sense.

So anyway, I know we've been slack-assing a bit lately.  But I assure you we're still committed to keeping you satisfied with the same esoteric bullshit that you so dearly love.  At least until we close down.  Then we'll just have the esoteric bullshit at a different URL.

*All eleven of you.
**You don't recall Pomp Culture?  Good, let's keep it that way.

Pop Culture Gauntlet: The Karate Kid vs. Miles Davis

Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.

Today's match: The Karate Kid vs. Miles Davis

The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid was released in 1984. The movie follows Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio), a high school kid who moves from Jersey to Reseda, California. He's a skinny wuss who quickly becomes the target of a group of toughs who all practice karate at the Cobra Kai dojo, run by a psycho named John Kreese (Martin Kove). To make matters worse, Daniel falls for Ali (Elizabeth Shue), a rich girl who just happens to be the ex of the #1 Cobra Kai, Johnny (William Zabka). Daniel finds a friend in the mysterious Okinawan handyman who maintains his apartment complex. Mr. Myagi (Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) agrees to teach Daniel karate after saving his bacon by beating up the entire group of Cobra Kais. In order to secure protection for his young student, Miyagi agrees to enter Daniel in the same karate tournament the Cobra Kais regularly dominate. Thus follows the strangest karate training ever as Miyagi has Daniel wax his collection of antique cars, paint his fence, sand his deck, and paint his house, all with very precise instructions on how is supposed to perform these tasks. It turns out that all this manual labor Daniel has been doing is actually teaching him the defensive moves he needs for the tourney. In the meantime, his relationship with Ali goes up and down and Mt. Miyagi gives him a sweet convertible for his 16th birthday. One drive in the car, and everything is apparently forgiven. Daniel also sees Miyagi performing a stylized kick on top of some old deck pilings on the beach. This is apparently the "Crane Technique" for which there is no defense (except in the second movie, where it fails miserably). Cut to the tourney and we're treated to one of the best montage sequences in film history, set to "You're The Best", a quintessential 80's song, perhaps topped only by the incredibly homoerotic montage in Rocky III. Being as this is an 80s movie, Daniel naturally wins the tournament with the Crane Technique, but not before Kreese plays some dirty pool and has one of his boys attempt to cripple the Jersey kid.

Strengths: Mr Miyagi, "sweep the leg", montage of awesomeness, "wax on, wax off", the Crane Technique, and perhaps most importantly, Elizabeth Shue.

Weaknesses: Daniel's whiny ass, Jersey, the fact that many Americans view this movie as great insight into Japanese culture, the three sequels-one with Hilary Swank(!)

Fun Facts: Pat Morita was intially turned down for the Mr. Miyagi role. Elizabeth Shue left Harvard to do this film. "You're the Best" was supposedly written for Rocky III, but was rejected in favor of "Eye of the Tiger" (Thank you to imdb.com for fun fact info)


Miles Davis
Miles Davis was one of the most influential, if not the most influential jazz musician of his time. His trumpeting style prompted a plethora of imitators and throughout his life he stayed on the cutting edge of jazz. Miles was part of the jazz evolution as it transformed from cool jazz to bop. His modal compositions on albums like Milestones and Kind of Blue lifted the music to new heights. He experimented with funk on On the Corner and fusion was partially born from the ambitious Bitches' Brew. Some of the best jazz musicians of the time served in his groups, among them John Coltrane, Herbie Hancock, Bill Evans, Julian "Cannonball" Adderly, Philly Joe Jones, Paul Chambers, Wayne Shorter, Elvin Jones, Art Taylor, Chick Corea, John McLaughlin and many, many others.

In many ways, Davis was one of the first African-American superstars. He could be arrogant and dismissive towards fans, and with few exceptions, didn't really care for white jazz musicians. Like many jazz musicians, he suffered from a heroin addiction, but was able to get clean. His influence and legacy remain one of the lasting forces in jazz, Kind of Blue perhaps being the best known jazz album of all time.

Strengths: Soulful trumpet playing, the Coltrane years, helped define bop and invent fusion, successful African-American before the Civil rights movement, lasting influence, Kind of Blue.

Weaknesses: Hated Whitey, helped invent fusion, arrogant, was cheap when it came to paying his band members.

Fun Fact: Davis had recorded an album for Columbia while still under contract to Prestige Records. He owed Prestige four albums, so he and his quintet spent two days in the studio, recording enough material to fulfill the contract so he would be able to release his Columbia album. All four albums (Workin', Steamin', Relaxin' and Cookin' with the Miles Davis Quintet) are considered classics.