You Make the Call: Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler..................................or..................................Jay Cutler

Nobody cares how great of an arm you have if you keep throwing your perfect spiral 15 yards ahead of your receiver!

Target: Making My Life a Living Hell

I always used to like Target. I mean when I would compare it to it's evil nemesis, Walmart at least. I don't even shop at Walmart, absolutely refuse to. But recently I have been rethinking all the good memories I've ever had about shopping at Target, and by good memories I mean that in the most abstract way a person who hates shopping can have about entering a store that is an acre full of mindless walkabout zombies.

Mashed potatoes, the most impossible thing to make since the scotch egg.

The scene is this: a couple weekends ago I decided to make mashed potatoes to accompany the Beef Bourguignon I was making for traditional gameday feast that we have when my friends and I get together for the Bears games on Sunday. Like most Americans, I prefer my mashed potatoes of the real variety. None of that boxed, dried, or Country Crock in-a-tub shit. Unlike most Americans though, I make my own mashed potatoes, which I was grossly unaware of when I went on my extremely long and frustrating journey to find a hand potato masher. You see, I don't own a mixer, like Rachael Ray I don't bake, and I also prefer my mashed potatoes to be a little lumpy. You know, some texture so that it doesn't taste like grandma's nursing home food.

I was sure the aisle with all the kitchen gadgets in the grocery store would have one, no problem I assumed. But you know what they say about people who assume don't you? So when the grocery store that I went to purchase the potatoes, butter, cream, cheese, bacon and scallions (I was making cheddar-bacon mashers) didn't have one I didn't fret. Surely the Target next to my house would have one, it's even one of those "Super" Targets. But like I was saying, you know what they say about people who make assumptions.

Like the record player and Brant Brown's happiness, this object is nearly impossible to find nowadays.

Fifteen minutes at staring into a 30 foot long aisle of every kitchen gadget ever known to man outside of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store later I felt like someone was playing a horrible joke on me. With only 30 minutes till the Bears game kickoff and all my friends on their way to my house, I was astounded that even though Target carried 10 "sandwich crust removers" (apparently knives are too difficult to operate nowadays), they didn't carry any potato mashers. Well, this just couldn't be right, I had to ask an employee if they were just out and had some in the back, even though the 2 empty rings were clearly not marked for potato mashers.

I know we throw the term around pretty loosely here at the Saloon, but I truly believe this to be a War Criminal: people that wear red shirts in Target. Why the fuck would you wear a red shirt in Target unless you are there specifically to fuck with me when I need to find something? I must have walked up to at least 3 different people before I realized they were just shoppers and not employees. And fuck Target for not handing out real uniforms. What, they can't afford them? Have you ever noticed that the employees get to pick their own red shirt to wear, and they usually pick one that is so common that fifteen customers in the store will also be wearing the same exact shirt at that moment?

Target employees: too young and fat to be strippers, for shame!

After FINALLY finding an actual employee I was told that they didn't have any and that they also thought it was strange that they didn't carry them. Fucking-a-right it's strange. But I guess it's just America today, too lazy to mash their own potatoes. Fortunately, the good people across the street at Walmart (like I said, I never shop at Walmart, but am reconsidering) had a potato masher, even if it was basically a 3" plastic circle with a couple holes punched into it that was attached to a handle flexible enough to be a Chinese gymnast. I might as well have used my hands to mash those potatoes. So my point is this, 'Merica, if you plan on mashing your own potatoes this Thanksgiving and don't have a masher or a mixer, make sure to reserve an hour of your day to travel to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a real, old-school metal masher. Enjoy your fucking potatoes!

Person of Interest: Guy On a Bike at Night

Hey you. Yeah, jackass with the skinny jeans, unkempt beard and thrift store t-shirt. Yeah you, asshole. Riding your bike at night? Not cool. Riding without any sort of reflectors or lights? Well, all I can say is that you deserve whats coming to you, be it an accidental run in with a rogue car door or me purposely running you off the road into the storefront window of a record store that you probably work at part time.

Listen, I love a good bike ride, I really do. Get some fresh air, get the blood flowing, see the beautiful sights of Chicago. It's economical, it's good for your body and it helps clear the mind. But for the love of Lance Armstrong's one remaining testicle, just stop with the reckless night time bike riding. Given the fact that the majority of most roadways don't have dedicated bike lanes and the streets here are skinner than your emo-stunted cock make this practice even more absurd.

If you want to do some organized late ride, that's cool. But when I see you run a stop sign, hog the lane or flippantly dismiss the rules of the road, I can't help but want to see bodily harm come to you. At the very least, I'd like to go to your house, drink all of your PBR, switch all of your radio presets to HOT A/C, superglue the pages of your graphic novels and show your girlfriend how a real man makes love.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings (no I'm not). You can always take solace in the fact that Death Cab for Cutie are still releasing albums and no one has touched your soy milk that's been sitting in the work fridge for a solid 6 weeks. Better hop on the ole' 12 speed and head over to Jewel at midnight to replace that shit and buy a pack of Lucky Strikes. Just know that I'll be in my car....watching....waiting...

Brant's Rant

NFL 'hang time' clocks:
What in the hell is the point of showing the 'hang time' of a punt in digital format on an NFL broadcast. The point of a punt is to pin the receiving team as deep into their own territory as possible. Why in God's name would I care if it takes that punt 4.9 or 4.3 seconds to land? How much money went into creating that graphic on each broadcast. Better yet, how many wasted dollars are going to some chump in a truck starting and stopping that fucking clock? Yes, these are hard economic times, but that ass hat would serve us a lot better if he were washing our cars or serving our drinks.

The term 'bogo':
If you're not hip to it yet, the term 'bogo' stands for 'buy one get one'. It is often associated with shitty restaurants and second-rate merchandisers. If you're like me, you often hear 'bogo' at your place of work, possibly in the form of a mass e-mail sent throughout the office by an overweight post-menopausal woman, with a coupon attached. You know what bitch? I don't give a shit if Souplantation has a buy one meal, get one half off promotion. Take your fat ass and barren womb over to that shithole buffet with one of the other hags and eat clam chowder until you have a fucking coronary. Please. Just don't bother me with your cost-savings nonsense, I don't give two shits about your frivolity. I feel so sorry for your husband, who likely lost his will to live 20 years ago. I shit on your 'bogo'.

Kids playing stickball in the street and their ignorant parents:
I'm all about our nation's youth getting exercise, being outdoors, using their imaginations and such. But for Christ's sake, don't play stickball on the street that's full of parked cars! How stupid can you be? My car was parked in my own goddamn driveway and you hit it twice you pieces of shit! If you're going to knock a projectile, go down four blocks to the fucking park! How is that not clear? Do you not have parents? Are they unaware that it's their designated weekend to be responsible for you? If they were worth their salt, they wouldn't allow you to play ball in the street and destroy other people's property. Or perhaps they're too busy smoking drugs or cheating on their spouses, and are just glad that you're not in the house to witness their various indiscretions. Either way, here's to hoping that you mature quickly enough to not knock up some girl before you graduate high school.

Overrated: international friendlies; Tim McGraw; USC football; Bill Belichick's ego
Underrated: the Bengals being good; the word 'cocksure'; Colts vs. Patriots

Ha Ha, Look at You!

Wow. Just wow. Up by 6 with less than two minutes to play and you elect to go for it on 4th and 2 on your own 28? You don't make it, Peyton gets the ball on the 25....ballgame. The Evil Genius costs his team the game and home field advantage in the playoffs in one fell swoop.

I honestly can't recall a more irresponsible coaching decision in all of my grizzled, slightly homosexual days, especially in such a crunch time spot. A lesser coach would be fired. If he were a soccer coach, he'd likely be murdered. (No joke)

As The Hundley aptly stated, 'Ego is a bitch'. Guess that sleeveless hoodie/cum towel is gonna be used to dry the tears of New England tonight Billy Boy!

Bill Belichick: This couldn't have happened to a bigger asshole. Love it!

Holy Christ, Please Trade for Granderson

Word in the rumor mill (thanks MLB TradeRumors, Paul Sullivan, Jon Heyman, etc.!) is that the Tigers may be willing to listen to offers for Curtis Granderson. Unless God hates us all, the Cubs are sure to at least kick the tires. How often can you kill two birds with one stone (leadoff hitter and lefty pop) in these times of economic hardship?

Oh, we would bring up the economics of it all, wouldn't we! Granderson's contract has him due for $25.75 million over the next three years. That's nothing for the Ricketts, who have said that they intend to keep the Cubs among the top three spenders in baseball. You have to spend money to make money, right? I think Jesus said that. Check the Bible. He's in the New Testament part.

Surely Hendry would be required to move Uncle Milton first, eating the better part of his $21 million. They'll certainly have to absorb another bad contract in that move, which the Tigers wouldn't want. That probably leaves the Cubs in a position where they would be forced to cough up a slew of youngsters. Hopefully that would start with Jake Fox (future DH extraordinaire) and the mythical Starlin Castro. I'd like to see them move Samardzija (completely overrated), but again, we would have to eat some cash. The bottom line is that it could be done, and it would be much more satisfying than going into next season having only brought in Luis Castillo and Marlon Byrd.

Would Granderson cure all our ails? Probably not, but he's the one piece that would fit best. Sure he strikes out a lot, but at least those strikes are swinging, as opposed to Bradley who never lifted the bat off his shoulder. He doesn't really hit lefties worth a lick, but you can spell him on occasion if you retain Reed Johnson. And maybe Granderson doesn't steal as much as you would like, but he's certainly more of a threat to steal a base than anyone else on the roster (we're looking at you Crazy Legs Soriano). Plus, by Dusty Baker logic, Curtis should be able to handle all the hot afternoon games better than someone like Pat Burrell.

Granderson is an Illinois boy and a seemingly all-around good guy. You know, the kind that you might want in a clubhouse. Yep, it might hurt the back pocket, and it will further thin out an incredibly thin farm system. But the Ricketts need to make their mark. Let's do this thing! We can worry about the consequences after the 2010 playoffs.

Update: If the Cubs were to actually acquire Granderson, we have dibs on being the official Curtis Granderson Cubs blog. Perhaps that would entail a name change. Thunder Granderson's Saloon? Lightning Curtis's Saloon? Something like that.

Let's Make a (Bradley) Deal!

As has been documented on numerous occasions at TMS, other Cubs blogs, sports talk radio, and basically any every modern media platform, we are tired of Milton Bradley, and wish the saga would end. With any luck, Jim Hendry can work some magic (and take on an equally bad contract) this week at the GM meetings. To have to go into January, or God forbid Spring Training knowing that Bradley is still on the club would just be a tad bit ridiculous.

Now, we also tend to overstate things as sports fans. Many of us use the term "we" when referring to our team's performance on the field. Milton Bradley does not know us personally. He will never go to your home or have a beer with you. He doesn't necessarily care about you, and off the field, you likely do not care about him. He is a player on the team you have chosen to follow; nothing more, nothing less. Milton is a real human, he has feelings, he cares passionately about his performance. If he didn't, he would just be Adam Dunn. Milton wanted this to work out, and we wanted Milton to work out. Unfortunately, neither happened, and we all know it is time to move on.

So, who would you rather have for the next two years in place Bradley? Who would you rather open your heart to? Who would you rather bunk with? Who would you rather invite on a fishing trip or to a strip club? Aaron Rowand? Really? Luis Castillo? Vernon Wells? Barry Zito? Pat Burrell? Are any of those options that much more attractive? Ugh. Better yet, what would you rather have than Bradley? Assuming the money washed out in the end, would you trade him for proper urinals instead of troughs? What if it meant Dave Otto replaced Bob Brenley? Would you do it then? What if you could get rid of Bradley, but you had to start going to Church every Sunday? What if you could be free of Bradley, but it meant that you would have to go through a bout of chlamydia? What will this freedom be worth? Feel free to post what you'd be willing to sacrifice or take on in lieu of Milton Bradley.

War Hero: Tony Bennett

We often throw the term 'War Hero' around loosely at the Saloon. Today we assign that designation to one of the great crooners of our time, who just so happens to have truly earned it.

Anthony Dominick Benedetto was born in New York City in 1926. Tony's talents in painting and singing were apparent at an early age, earning him enrollment at New York's High School of Industrial Art. At the age of 18, he was drafted into the United States Army, where he served as an infantry rifleman. Bennett was stationed in France and Germany during the waning days of World War II. He would later describe the horrors of war in his autobiography, including the struggles brought on by the harsh winter landscape, and the experience of house-to-house combat while driving back German soldiers. When the war ended, he remained in Germany for a period of time, assisting in the liberation of a Nazi concentration camp.

When Bennett returned to the States, he picked up on his vocal training. He opened for Pearl Bailey in Greenwich Village in 1949, where he was spotted by Bob Hope. This was the break Tony needed, as he was soon after signed to Columbia Records. A string of chart-topping hits would follow throughout the 1950's, including two standout albums in which Bennett collaborated with the Count Basie Orchestra. "I Left My Heart in San Francisco", widely recognized as Bennett's most popular song, drew acclaim after it's 1962 release.

In the mid-1960's the musical landscape began to change, and Bennett found it increasingly difficult to wade these new waters. He went to great lengths in an attempt to change his professional fortunes over the next 15 years. A failed record label, a relocation to London, and a near-fatal overdose brought Tony face-to-face with the 1980's and some hard choices. He brought his two sons into the fold in a last-ditch effort to rehabilitate his career. Gone were the residences in Las Vegas; in was a new deal with Columbia, and the embracing of popular culture.

The youth of America, weened on rock 'n' roll, had until this point been relatively oblivious to the standards genre. An appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards, along with an MTV Unplugged recording, endeared Bennett to this new audience. The record that resulted from his Unplugged session went on to earn him an Album of the Year Grammy, and went a long way in rejuvenating his career.

Aside from being known as one of the great male vocalists of the past century, Bennett has delved into other passions. He was an active member of the Civil Rights Movement, participating in the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches. In the same vein, he would refuse offers to perform in apartheid South Africa.

Perhaps what he would prefer to best be known for, however, is his painting. His works are featured in numerous galleries throughout the world. He was the official artist for the 2001 Kentucky Derby, and was commissioned by the UN for two paintings. The UN would go on to honor him with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees' Humanitarian Award in 2006.

In total, Bennett has won 15 Grammy Awards and two Emmys. These, however, are mere symbols of the greater work that he will one day leave us with. Tony Bennett, the vocalist, entertainer, human rights activist, soldier, and multi-talented artist, is a true American treasure. Most of all, he is a legitimate War Hero, of the caliber that only Thunder Matt's Saloon can properly recognize.

*Biographical facts were largely culled from Wikipedia. We can trust that thing now, right?

Steven Tyler Quits Aerosmith?

Word on the Internets is that Steven Tyler has, for all intents and purposes, left the band Aerosmith. Lead guitarist Joe Perry has alluded to this in recent interviews, though he admits that it is not out of the ordinary for Tyler to go incommunicado for lengths of time.

If it is indeed true that Tyler has given up his post as the frontman for one of America's most iconic rock 'n' roll bands, Perry says they will seek a new lead singer and new direction. However, it would be a daunting task to replace the flamboyance and showmanship of Tyler. It likely could not be done, thus making it difficult to promote an Aerosmith tour at $75 per ticket. If he is replaced, the more likely scenario is a downshift in ambition, and a prominent place on the state fair circuit next summer.

In my more impressionable days, I held Aerosmith in incredibly high regard. They were my first exposure to good old-fashioned dirty rock music. Unfortunately, they've been largely irrelevant over the last decade. Such is life, especially when you've been going at it for nearly 40 years. Aerosmith has certainly overcome adversity in the past, but if Tyler is truly gone, the rest of the boys will be facing a steep uphill battle.

Happy Berlin Wall Day!

The Iowa Hawkeyes Finally Lose

Doesn't the James Vandenberg Era look exciting?!?!

The Team With Jerry Hairston Jr Won

"Good game Jerry."

"Thanks man. You too."

John Grabow......Why?

According to Bruce Levine on ESPN 1000, the Cubs are working on signing lefty reliever John Grabow to a multi-year deal worth between $6.5 million and $7.5 million.

Agent Paul Kinzer represents Grabow, who would be the team's left-handed set-up man and a possible back-up closer in the event Carlos Marmol is injured or needs a day off.

Jesus, really? Grabow as our set-up guy? Grabow closing games? Maybe I'm missing something here but at no point last season when I watched Grabow did his pitching knock my dick in the dirt. Fine, I realize we need a lefty in the pen, but keep Grabow away from the eighth and ninth innings if at all possible. Wouldn't a set-up/closer combo of Angel Guzman and Carlos Marmol make more sense?

Ugh, we'll see how this goes but Grabow is my front-runner for the 2010 Glendon Rusch Award, given each year to the Cubs southpaw reliever that completely implodes on them. Here's a quick look at past winners.

2009: Neal Cotts
2008: Scott Eyre
2007: Will Ohman
2006: Glendon Rusch

So once they get Grabow locked up, how about figuring out that second base situation? Maybe sign someone that isn't a hobbit?

Away to the shire Treebeard!