The Hell's Kitchen Drinking Game

I was going to do a Drunk Blog about the season premiere (actually 2 episodes) of Hell's Kitchen last night, but I ran into a technical difficulty, namely, I don't have a laptop computer so I can't watch the show and write a blog post at the same time. So I did what any good blogger would do, I drank a shit load of Smirnoff (neat, of course) and I took notes. Unfortunately, taking handwritten notes while drinking and having the handwriting of a doctor combined with a two year old has left me with 10 scraps of paper of pure gibberish. And so we go by memory.

As expected, the "chefs" for this season suck at cooking. The Red Team (girls) took 11 times before getting the first appetizer correct. Fancy pants Melinda went through enough pasta to feed Italy for her appetizer before she got it right. The Blue Team didn't do much better, as 3rd generation Chef and Diner Owner Louie goes through lamb chops like it was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for Andre the Giant. Chef Ramsay sent Louie home before the end of service, only to bring back Fatty McRobert, who had to left last season because his weight problem forced him to quit for health reasons. Guess what, he's still a fatty. He goes to the Red Team though, after Melinda, who cooks for rich fucks on their yachts, was eliminated.

Oh, and we already have some of our "key" players, including our token gays: Tenille (or Whoopi Goldberg in disguise) and Tony from Chicago, who somehow manages to get a reference to sticking things in his mouth into every interview he has. We also have Van, who almost fights JP the Maitre'd in the first episode and Bad Ass USMC Joseph, who at the end of the second episode challenges Chef Ramsay to, "take it outside". Then we get the "To Be Continued", followed by what looks like firetrucks and ambulances in what can only be a Columbine type massacre. What will happen next week? I'm sure it's not nearly as exciting as you think...or care.

So what can keep you tuned into Hell's Kitchen if you don't have an unusual obsession with reality cooking competitions like myself. How about making a drinking game out of it? Let's setup some rules.

1 drink for a bleeped swear word.
This alone will get you trashed, as I counted 59 bleeps throughout the first episode alone. That's more than one bleep per minute, if you take out the commercials, so I would recommend not watching from your DV-R.

1 drink per contestant crying in an interview.

3 drinks per Chef Ramsay throwing down undercooked/overcooked/shitty-looking food on the floor.

2 drinks per every time Tony makes a reference involving his mouth.

4 drinks for every time Van is going to "Fuck someone up"

1 shot for every animal reference by Chef Ramsay, as in "You stupid donkey"
The producers must have told him to not do this as much, as I counted only 1 reference the first two episodes.

These are your rules so far, hopefully I will be updating and making more rules as we go along. And for the record, the guys are 2-0 in challenges and 1-0-1 in service, unlike the past seasons where the girls pretty much kicked ass. I'm sure if there was more tail on the Red Team, we would see the producers helping out the Red Team to go on bikini trips around Cali, but as it is, I would rather see JP in a banana hammock than most of the girls in a bikini. Also, season 2 winner, Heather, is back as the Sous Chef for the Red Team, making her the most attractive girl on the Red Team unfortunately.

So in review: Louie and Melinda sent home. Fatty McRobert from last season comes back and is a girl. Joseph is on massive amounts of steroids and freaks out, so we don't know who goes home yet for episode two. Next episode will feature firefighters and people freaking out. And Chef Ramsay will be pissed, you fucking donkey!

Go Cubs!

Hell's Kitchen is Back, You Donkey!

Tonight marks the sixth season of Hell's Kitchen, one of my favorite shows on tv. The greatest thing about Hell's Kitchen is even though it's a cooking game/reality show, it really doesn't focus much on the actual job of cooking. Plus you've got Gordon Ramsay, probably the most pissed off person on the face of the planet. If Gordo ran the Chicago Cubs, they would have only 3 players: Ted Lilly, for his unflappability and his murderistic stare that would even scare Ramsay; Koyie Hill, because even though he cut off most of his fingers on one hand, he still came back less than a year later; and Derrek Lee, because, well, Gordon is afraid of tall black guys (see Rock, Season 3 winner). The rest would have quit, or been "You're fired." Oh, wait, that's a different show, you pathetic pig.

The second greatest part of Hell's Kitchen is that they get the most incompetent cooks and chefs alive to be on the show. Last season, Coi couldn't even cook a hamburger for one episode. A fucking hamburger, you donkey! Plus, they all think they are the shit, so arguments and fights between the contestants are always hyped up by the producers. Sure it's a little cliche, but it makes for entertaining television. So here are the contestants for Season Six.

First the Red Team, or the ladies:

Amanda is a 27 year old Sous Chef who has been cooking for 3 years. Her nickname is high school was "Rodman". She went to a real culinary school and is one of the actually attractive female contestants (for chefs, anyways), which will of course piss off Chef Ramsay.

Tek has been a Line Cook for 9 years. She must suck, because usually in 9 years, you move up in your job. Tek is also a self-proclaimed member of the NYC punk scene. She's probably the gay one.

Ariel has worked as a Sous Chef for 8 years. She is also 27 (just like Amanda and Tek). Her bio is super boring and lists her grandmother as her inspiration for cooking. She will be the boring one that just flies under the radar.

Lovely is from Chicago, so normally would be my favorite. Except her name is Lovely and not Lovey. She is the "Executive Chef" at a children's camp, which means she might be able to cook hamburgers, but has no idea what fois gras is. She will be soon to leave, but not before trying to stand up to Gordon's rants.

Melinda is a Private Chef to rich people on yachts, which translates horribly to being a line cook. Plus she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She used to be part of corporate America, but decided she wanted to be more "creative". Now she puts caviar on crackers and calls it cooking.

Sabrina is a Restaurant Manager from Texas who works somewhere here in Phoenix. If she could cook, she would, instead she's a Manager. Enough said.

Suzanne is from Milwaukee and is the youngest female contestant, which will piss off Chef Ramsey. Hell, what doesn't piss that man off? She will probably stick around for a while because Gordo loves to give cutish, inexperienced girls a chance while yelling at their perky boobs.

Tenille just lost 100 pounds by cheating and getting gastric bypass. She will be the feisty black one that gets into with Chef Ramsey because as she proclaims in her bio, she is the greatest chef.

And in the Blue Corner (guys):

Andy is a 39 year old Owner and Executive Chef at his restaurant in Boston. He has published a cookbook and is an award winning BBQ competitor. Somehow he made it to Hell's Kitchen, as he is way over qualified and experienced. Andy is the front-runner for the winner.

Tony is a Culinary Store Manager living in Chicago. Why is Chicago getting the shaft on this show? Tony has a Flock of Seagulls type haircut so he might be the gay one. The gay ones always lose...and piss off Chef Ramsey.

Louis is a 45 year old, 3rd generation Cook and Diner Owner. He has spent all his life in the kitchen, so he might give Andy a run for his money. Look for the two to battle it out for the leader of the Blue Team.

Dave is an Executive Chef in California whose most notable accomplishments include hiking the Appalachian Trail. He can cook a mean can of beans, which will of course piss off Chef Ramsey.

Jim is a Sous Chef at some fancy restaurant in Nashua, NJ. He is self-trained and just like most of the females are under 35, Jim is over 35, just like the most of the guys. Looks like Gordo is setting up the guys for success, although Jim won't be a part of it.

Joseph is a former Marine who learned to cook in the service. Since he is well disciplined, he might not clash with Chef Ramsey, which will then piss him off.

Kevin is a fancy pants living in Connecticut, where he designs menus for his job, the country club, his high school, and college interns, who he lets blow him, even though he is married with a son.

Van is a young fish cook from Dallas, who actually has line experience, so might also do good on the show. That is until Chef Ramsey puts him on apps and Van pisses him off.

Show Info:

Tuesday nights will sizzle this summer when Chef Gordon Ramsay welcomes the nation's most talented and trained chefs yet to a sixth course of his unscripted series HELL'S KITCHEN.

Each week Ramsay grills the ambitious hopefuls, putting them through rigorous culinary challenges and testing them to see who can handle the pressure of a fast-paced kitchen where only the skilled survive. In each episode, Ramsay will eliminate one chef while the rest remain to fillet their way toward the grand prize of a Head Chef position at Araxi Restaurant in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada.

Canada eh?

Drunk blog to follow tomorrow morning!

Go Cubs!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 22 Hits & Counting

Koyie Hill rapped out another 3 hits since the last update. He's been stellar behind the dish as well and has made some nice pickoff throws. Personally, I think any catcher should get some kind of hazard pay any time Carlos Marmol comes in to pitch these days and Koyie has handled Marmol about as well as you could hope for. Unfortunately, none of Hill's recent hits came against the Phillies yesterday.

Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

Koyie Hill has a BÖC tattoo. Guess where.

Koyie Hill's official energy drink is Wild Turkey.

Like Michael Barrett, Koyie Hill was once hit in the groin by a baseball. Whereas Michael Barrett has a mangina, Koyie Hill now has a third testicle.

Underated: Going to the Moon (and Mars)

Yesterday we celebrated the 40th anniversary of what is one of the biggest events to occur in human history. First there was the invention of beer, then the wheel and fire. It wasn't until the 1960’s when man wrangled a big f-cking Saturn V rocket, cathode tube computers, liquid oxygen, hydrogen and big hairy American balls and then shoved it up the drunken USSR’s ass that we truly solidified our place in history. On the eve of the anniversary of first moon landing the astronauts from the Apollo 11 mission want the US to embark on a new mission - have man set foot on Mars in what could be the biggest goal of our generation, and I couldn’t agree more with them.

Dear USSR, F-ck You
Sincerely, USA

Now given the current state of the economy and world affairs you may be saying “SbC, this is a terrible idea...” but you would be terribly wrong because it could be a economic stimulus package that lifts several industries out of their slide and a diplomatic and political home-run (Pres. Obama pay attention now, even though I know you won’t read this, not because you don’t have the time but because you’re a White Sox fan...)

What we should do is create incentives for private companies to develop the technology necessary to get us to Mars. We could get congress to pass incentives for private industry that offers tax breaks, which would outsource the research, planning and design which would then leave NASA to pick the best and most cost effective. The Government could then use the money from the scrapped F-22 Raptor program (Obama shut down the "Dream Factory") to fund NASA and build it with the winners plans and parts. This would create jobs in both private and the public sectors, bolstering the technology, information technology, education and investment sectors of the economy, maybe even housing in localized areas.

Just imagine if you could sell the idea of a mission to Mars to a state like California which already has a ton of people that are smart enough (hell, even Steve Jobs could turn a profit off the iRocket, although it would just be operated by a single button and wheel) and enough debt to make Zimbabwean loaf of bread look expensive.

iRocket v1.1 - A New Apple Product Better than the iPhone

And you may be asking how it is a political imperative: China. When we first went to the moon it was to battle the Soviets into space (and maybe show that our nukes weren’t to be messed with) so why not do it again since we have a new enemy. They are already starting to develop their programs. Do you really want China to get to Mars before we do? I didn’t think so...

With China’s industrial might they be successful after a few tries (dying for Mao is a great honor) and will then mass produce cheap carbon copies of their rockets and sell them to the Chinese population so that they can colonize and turn the Red Planet into the Peoples Red Republic of China. Then they will undergo a massive public works project to carve Mao’s face into the planet, which is exactly what the future clients of my space tourism business will not want to see. They could also harness the alien race and turn them all against us, and Will Smith won’t be able to help us (Tommy Lee Jones maybe...)

Do you want your kids looking at this in telescopes?

So in closing I think building a new rocket to Mars isn’t only necessary, it needs to be done soon. I refuse to lose. Lets build a rocket that show how big our man hood here in 'Merica really is.

'Merica, F-ck Yeah

Summer Games: Cornhole

Now that summer is here, it's time to get that itchy shirt off and get outside. This is doubly true in times of Cub woe that we're currently experiencing - we need something to pass the time and dull the pain. Summer Games will examine some classic outside games, carefully choosing ones that lend themselves to shirtless participation and the coexistence of your favorite summer beverage.

Yeah, the name should scare you. Cornhole, or Baggo, or Bags, or the bastard step-child of horseshoes. Different names, all the same game. It seems the gaming industry has tried to distance itself from the original name of Cornhole. Jeez, why would they ever want to do that? Cornhole is a game that was once described by Stephen Colbert as a cross between horseshoes and sodomy. And as resident bartender Dave Thomas will tell you, cornhole was something entirely different on the fierce streets of Purdue University, and in retrospect, maybe it's not so prestigious to brag about winning a (Purdue) cornhole contest.

Regardless of what you call it, the basics of the game are virtually the same. The bags are supposed to be made of duck material, which is the fabric Carhart jackets are made from, not feathers and bills. The bags should be 6" x 6" and filled with dried feed corn (traditionally) and should end up weighing one pound. Obviously corn is not a must, plastic pellets could be substituted, which will help if the bags ever get wet. (Please don't tell me about "tradition" with corn. Do you use sheepskin condoms in lieu of latex?)

All bags are thrown at the boards, typically measuring 2' wide and 4' tall. Dimensions may vary depending on material, but I'd strongly suggest throwing on wooden structures and NOT the crappy plastic ones they sell at Walmart or the local Piggly Wiggly. The boards have a 6" hole in them placed 9" on center from the back of the board. The boards are set on an angle with the rear of the board being 12" off the ground. Ah, the heck with this, if you want to build your own, you can find tons of plans online. A good one here. The boards are set apart so that from hole to hole there is 33'.

Scoring is perhaps one of the few attractive parts of cornhole, it's fast and furious. If you throw your bag in the hole, you got a cornhole (glory hole!) and are awarded three points. If your bag lands on the board you get one point. Bags are tossed alternately between contestants and after each cornholer has thrown four bags, you calculate the scoring. Points cancel out points, cornholes cancel out cornholes. So, if Cornholer A throws two cornholes and two points, and Cornholer B throws one cornhole and three points, then Cornholer A gets 2 points. Cornholer A would throw first in the next round, scoring goes to 21.

Like it or not, cornhole has really gained popularity year by year. It lends itself greatly, I'll admit, to tailgaiting. In a crowded parking lot it's not exactly feasible to pitch horseshoes or bowl bocce balls. One pound bags of corn are pretty much harmless. Obviously drinking plays a part as in most, if not all, outdoor summer games. If you've played enough, you've probably come across one of the many drinking games associated with cornhole. Rumor has it that weed can also play a role as well.

The boards, themselves, have become a way for the owners to express their personal flair or allegiances to sports teams. The aforementioned plastic boards that you get from the grocery store will typically come adorned with your local college or pro team. Please stay away from these. They're smaller boards, they bounce like no other, and last you maybe a few years at most. The wood boards are easy to build, and you can paint or decorate them as you see fit. Are you torn by who you like more - Pink Floyd or The Cubs? An Iowa fan (Jeez, nice effort)? Even goths play cornhole!

Chad Cordero could not be reached for comment. It's ALLEGED that he blamed his pitching injuries and subsequent regression on cornholing.

But really, nothing is truly a legitimate game until it has officially jumped the shark, right? Or, as we say around The Saloon, "nuked the fridge". You can even play

A Grown Man Attempts to Review NES Games, part 3

Or, Smiting Pagans With the Power of EXODUS!

I've been holed up in my apartment for roughly a week now, sick as a dog, so I decided to dust off the old NES emulator, and write a review. However, I'm just not up to discovering another lost gem like The 3-D Adventures of World Runner or the face-meltingly odd 8-Eyes. I'm sticking with one of my own personal favorite games from "back in the day," a classic of non-licensed, religious-themed, oddity.

Of course I mean...EXODUS!

I first discovered this classic when I was in High School, at The Good News Bookstore in Mt. Pleasant, SC. This blessed place was a combination Fundamentalist Christian bookstore, deli, music store, and toy store that I used to refer to as "The Christian Chuck E. Cheese." The 17-year-old obnoxious punk version of Wolter used to come there after school with his obnoxious punk friends to play this classic of the genre on an NES they had set up in the back. Why?

Well, you are Moses, leading your people out of Israel. According to the game's description you...

But, ultimately, that really means

SMITING PAGANS WITH THE POWER OF THE LORD!

Oh sure, once I read the instructions (when I caved a bought a copy in college), I discovered that you are ostensibly using the "Word of God" (it's shaped like a W, but it's a lighting bolt, people. Trust me on this) to "convert" them. But when they are converted, they explode and disappear. Sounds like a smiting to me, chief.

But does this game live up to my fond memories? Let's find out using science (by "science," I, of course, mean "arbitrary ranking scales based on my whims"):

Graphics: Okay, these are pretty basic, even by 8-bit standards. But Moses is actually surprisingly cute. And unlike some games, I know what the hell is going on at any given moment. Also, there are plenty of subpar single picture "scenes" in-between levels, but not every game can be Ninja Gaiden. The graphics are nothing special, but nothing awful. Plus, you get to SMITE PAGANS WITH THE POWER OF THE LORD. (3/5)

Sound: Oy. This is where it gets bad. Unless you love an endless midi loop of "Father Abraham had many sons" playing for all eternity. I usually turned off the sound and listened to the Misfits on my walkman back in the day. (1/5)

Gameplay: Okay, this game is a lot like some sort of weird allegorical Dig Dug. You're Moses, and you shoot little W-shaped bolts out of your staff (the "Word of God") these in turn help you dig tunnels through "The Murmuring of the Israelites" and "convert" assorted Egyptian soldiers, magicians, and etc. (as mentioned above). You can also "convert" the pagans by pushing boulders on their heads. While moving through the level, you collect "manna" jars, bibles, and "questions" while looking for the door to the next level.

At the end of each level are 5 questions from the Bible. You get a bible for answering each question correctly. Every 7 bibles gets you an extra Moses. Oh, and when Moses dies (usually from failing to avoid the unclean touch of a pagan), he puts his hands over his eyes in a truly adorable fashion.

Really, though, the point of this game is SMITING PAGANS WITH THE POWER OF THE LORD. (5/5)

Level of Adult Confusion: Dude, you walk around SMITING PAGANS WITH THE POWER OF THE LORD. What's not to get? (0/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent Money on This: I doubt I would have been angry as a child. I was pretty religious, plus I loved smiting things. (0/5)

Time Spent Playing As An Adult Before Quitting in Annoyance: Hell, I'm only annoyed that I had to quit long enough to write this review. I need to get back and SMITE PAGANS WITH THE POWER OF THE LORD.

Composite Grade: Sound issues aside, I give this one five bibles out of a possible five. Because I'm pretty sure I have literally every track the Misfits recorded.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some smiting to do...

All Favre'd Out

Hey Brett Favre, are you cool? No, seriously, I want to know.

Hey ESPN, are you okay, too? Because every top story or interview seems to be about or involving Brett Favre. Seriously? I know it's a slow time in sports right now, but I don't care about Brett Favre. I don't care what he ate for breakfast. I don't care how many passes he threw today. I don't care if he sleeps on his stomach or his back (my guess is his stomach, better access if you know what I mean).

I mean, this story was great...LAST YEAR! Oh wait, it was retarded then too. At least last year Favre was moving to a major market. Now he's going to Minnesota. You know, Prince, Fargo, a big ass mall. That's great, I get it. You want to get back at the Packers for treating you like shit. I mean, it's not like you were idolized there or anything. I'm pretty sure some stupid ass kid didn't wear your jersey for like 2 years straight. Oh, wait you were, and he did.

So last year...didn't work out how you expected, did it? All that ESPN penis in your vagina might have hampered your throwing arm I guess. You were probably pretty overwhelmed when Mike Greenburg of Mike and Mike changed all his kids names to Brett Favre.

Welcome back to the NFC North, Brett. Personally, I'm glad to see you're back. I look forward to November 29th and especially Monday Night Football on December 28th. You see, that's when the Bears get to play the Vikings. I'm sure you remember those guys right? No? Well, here's a photo to remind you.


Yeah, expect more of that. That is if your arm hasn't already fallen off or you're benched after throwing 80 interceptions. And thanks again for taking time out of my precious SportCenter to cover your stupid ass. I mean, it's not like football doesn't start for another month. Wait, is it that soon? Time to order my Cutler jersey. GFY #4, wherever you play.

Go Cubs!

Sweeping the Nats, The Cure for What Ails

Few things are better for a scuffling .500 ballclub than a four-game set with the Washington Nationals. The long weekend kicked off Thursday with an increasingly rare quality start for Rich Harden. Remember a year ago when you eagerly anticipated each Harden start? I don't either. Friday saw the triumphant return of A-Ram's home run prowess, in support of Carlos Zambrano's sixth victory. The amazing part about this game is that the Cub bullpen pitched four scoreless innings. Saturday night saw the (cross your fingers) rebirth of Alfonso Soriano, who hit an opposite field three-run shot to bring the Cubs back from a two-run deficit. Randy Wells got beat around a bit in the first two innings. However, the bullpen pieced together the rest on consecutive days, despite Aaron Heilman's best efforts to give it away. Little Mikey Horse 'n' Phone also got off the schnide with his first homer since the Bush administration. The boys capped off the series by bringing the broom handles to the ballpark Sunday, to the tune of 11 runs in a classic beatdown. Poor Jim Riggleman. We really wish him the best of luck down the stretch.

So there are 11 days remaining until the trade deadline. What, if any, moves will Jim Hendry be making? There is no urgent need for a starting pitcher. We have more outfielders than you can shake a stick at. Theriot has been fine at the plate and in the field, and Soto looks to be returning soon. So what are our needs? A lefty out of the bullpen and possibly an upgrade at second base. Paging Andy MacPhail. The Orioles are looking to deal George Sherrill, and desire a third baseman for the future. Brian Roberts, as always, can probably be had. Would anyone be opposed to a deal centered on Josh Vitters, Samardzija (we pay his contract) and a couple minor league arms going to Baltimore for Sherrill and Roberts? That would give us a lefty that can close, freeing up Marshall for spot starts. Then you get the switch hitting Roberts, which Hendry has pined over for many a moon. Baltimore is our new Pittsburgh; Hendry can work the magic.

And for those of you that are opposed to trading Vitters? Gary Scott just called. C'mon, name the last Cubs offensive prospect that panned out.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: Final Four

I know, I know. Really there's no excuse for such a long hiatus of the Battle Royale. Well there is. I'm an incredibly lazy bastard. But that excuse doesn't work with the wife so why would it here?

So here we are, the Final Four. It's been a long hard battle but we're down to these quadfecta of Cubs of Yore titans:

Keith "Zonk" Moreland - The O.G. (Original Ginger) of the Cubs. Keith was recently seen on a Cubs broadcast alongside Len Kasper as a color analyst.

he battles...

Dwight "Awww shit, you know" Smith - The Billy Dee Williams of the Cubs. Dwight was recently seen showing off his World Series ring to Jerome Walton for the zillionth time.

* * *

Glenallen "Is that a spider?" Hill - The Bad Ass Motherfucker of the Cubs. Glenallen was recently seen shopping at a Whole Foods Market wearing his batting helmet.

he battles...

Steve "Rainbow" Trout - The Wild Card of the Cubs. Steve was recently seen at Chipotle challenging any who dared compete against him in a burrito eating contest.

Moreland vs. Smith! Hill vs. Trout! Cast your votes now in the polls in the sidebar. We'll close the polls on Tuesday at noon central time.

Cubs sign B.J. Ryan

According to ESPN Chicago, the Cubs have signed recently waived relief pitcher B.J. Ryan to a one year minor league deal. He'll be heading to Mesa to work with minor league trainers.

If he can regain his strength and command he had prior to injury, this could be a huge pick up for the Cubs. It would also give them a much-needed additional southpaw in the bullpen and could allow for an eventual move to put Sean Marshall back in the rotation and Rich Harden to the pen later on down the road.

Bradley's Second Half

It's no secret that Cubs management and fans have had their fill of "Milton Bradley Drama" during the first half of the 2009 campaign. Whether he's bumping umpires, smashing Gatorade coolers, or leaving the ballpark mid-game, no one can say that they're surprised by his behavior. However, even the most stringent Bradley cynic would have a hard time arguing that he wasn't starting to put things together in the last ten games or so leading up to the All-Star break.

We all remember how Bradley was crushing everything in sight in Spring Training. So what switch flipped off when the season started? Was it really as simple as letting go of Gerald Perry and promoting Von Joshua as the Cubs hitting coach? Well, from what the Joe Morgans of the world tell me, yes, it's possible. Even bloody likely. Bradley has always had a great eye in the batter's box, which has been proven throughout his career by a solid .371 lifetime OBP (.436 last season). Maybe he picked up some bad habits, combined with his natural tendency to press too hard and his April leg injury. So let's push all that out of our minds. What's done is done, and no one can honestly attribute the team's position in the NL Central standings to Bradley alone. Pairing him up for extra sessions in the batting cage with Joshua has seemed to help, as was evident through the latest series with the Cardinals.

So what does Lou do with Bradley from here on out? Everyone will point to Milton's poor home run and RBI totals thus far and claim that he's not producing. So what? The man specializes in getting on base, not hitting the ball out of the park. He's only hit over 20 home runs once in his ten year career. Hendry knew that going into the contract negotiations. As it stands right now, Bradley is getting on base at the same clip as guys such as Mark Teixeira, Dustin Pedroia, and Jason Bay.

For what it's worth (likely nothing), I would try batting Bradley in the two-hole behind Fukudome when facing a righty. You want your first two batters getting on base for Lee and Ramirez. Theriot is a fine hitter, with a solid average, but he may be more valuable hitting seventh when Soto is healthy. Granted, Bradley is probably not as adept as Theriot at laying down a bunt, much less running one out. However, if Fukudome and Bradley are drawing walks, as is their M.O., then you're putting your team in the best possible position to score, and score early. It seems like sound logic, or at least it wouldn't hurt to try out for a series. Piniella is always tinkering with the lineup anyway.

Thoughts from the readers?

Press Release: TMS Endorses Wells

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Thunder Matt’s Saloon Endorses Wells

Chicago, IL – July 16, 2009

The following is a transcript of the speech delivered by TMS Bartender “Wolter” this morning (annotated with hyperlinks, and edited to be printable):

“Thank you all for coming. I’m here today to talk about a matter near and dear to my heart: the Chicago Cubs.

“Given the poor quality of the Cubs’ offense in the current season, it has been a temptation to say that “This whole damn team sucks,” and indeed many Cubs fans and TMS bartenders alike have joined in iterating some variation on that theme.”

[Wolter pauses for a moment, clutching the podium with white knuckles and mutters something that sounds like "Sori-f@ckin'-a55h0le."]

“However, this fails to take into account the bright spot of this year. The anemic offense (God, has that cliché ever been more accurate) is at least being offset by the solid, and occasionally brilliant starting pitching. As much of a “f@cking nutpunch” (per a high-ranking TMS insider) it is to lose close, low-scoring games, at least the Cubs are not being utterly annihilated in the field, like the residents of ”NATSTOWN!”

“One of the linchpins of this rotation is the surprisingly competent rookie, Randy Wells. Once thought by many Cubs commentators, including this speaker, to be a career Quadruple-A player (much as the namesake of The Saloon is sadly turning into), by picking up a surprisingly devastating “Slutter” (a slider/cutter hybrid that just defeated the "Slurve" to become the Best-Named Pitch in Baseball History), Wells may even garner some votes for Rookie of the Year (like first ballot HoFer Jerome Walton…).”

[Wolter coughs nervously.]

“Moving on…

“Wells, like pre-sex change Rich Harden last year [Note: Harden’s agent will neither confirm, nor deny, Mr. Wolter’s assessment], has been the victim of a few atrociously bad offensive games which have kept his W-L record from being particularly impressive”

[Wolter balls hands into fists and smashes them into podium]

“Can we please agree, as thinking people, that wins are as meaningless a stat as “holds” and move on with our lives?

[Wolter again coughs, and an unnamed TMS intern approaches the podium nervously. Wolter waves him off]

“I can do this. If you look at Wells’ performance, he is pitching damn well. In 81 innings, he has an ERA of 2.55, with about six K’s per nine, and only about 2 walks. His WHIP is is like 1.1, and most importantly…seriously guys…his slider is sickhouse.

“In conclusion, I have been authorized by the Powers That Be at TMS to give Randy Wells our blog’s official support. May God have mercy on his soul.”

[Wolter pauses for applause, then realizes he has been delivering this speech standing on his desk, alone, in an empty office.]

“Holy crap. This cold medicine is awesome…”

Mr. Wells has not yet commented on this announcement.

Contact:
Press Secretary
c/o Thunder Matt’s Saloon
Chicago, IL and Parts Unknown
TMS RSS Feed
TMS Facebook Fan Page
TMS Twitter Page
TMS Hellspawn

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Thunder Matt at the All-Star Game

No, no, all you dearly beloved Matt Murton fans. Our amiable Thunder did not make the roster for Tuesday's Taco Bell MLB All-Star Game, brought to you by Taco Bell. His night to shine was Wednesday, as he donned the uniform of the Colorado Springs Sky Sox for the Triple-A All-Star Game in beautiful Portland, Oregon. Joining Matt were future star Eric Young, Jr., and a bunch of white guys who will be playing for different teams in two weeks.

Thunder was slotted as the DH for the Pacific Coast League. He hit in the three-hole, striking out looking in his first two plate appearances and grounding out in his third. Eh, who cares how he did? It's just another meaningless All-Star game.

While he's been with Colorado Springs, Murton has hit for a .374 average in 187 at-bats. He has nearly as many doubles (15) as he does strikeouts (18). Matt is clearly maturing under the tutelage of the venerable Sal Fasano.

So what becomes of Murton now? Clearly the Rockies have a glut of talent in their OF. We've exhausted this in the past, but the bottom line is that Murton needs to go to an AL club where he can serve as a DH and have spot starts in the outfield corners. The Twins would seem logical, due to Matt's fair skin and propensity for hitting in the gaps. Unfortunately they too have an abundance quality hitters, spreading the at-bats thin. The Orioles? Occasional rumors have the Red Sox inquiring on bringing Matt back. With a bit of luck, he'll be leaving Colorado Springs in two weeks for greener pastures. Of course, we've been hoping he sees those pastures for the entire three-plus years of this blog's existence. Rest assured though, dear reader, that the boys at the Saloon will keep you posted on all developments Murton.

Also of note in the game: Dave Winfield (tall) threw out the first pitch, and the San Diego Chicken was present. Winfield played for the Padres during the Chicken's heyday. The two were never on the field at the same time. Coincidence, or irrelevant? The International League was leading the Pacific Coast League 6-3 after Murton's third at-bat in the bottom of the sixth. I'll have to assume that he was pulled at this point, as I can't bear to watch the rest of the game.