A Very Modest Proposal That Most People Probably Don't Agree With

The All-Star Game Sucks. Get rid of it.

I should probably say more on this subject.

St. Louis sucks. Get rid of it.

Ok, I'll elaborate on both of these notions.

First: St. Louis, you couldn't get any classier if you assigned monocles to every single bemulleted Jorts-wearer in St. Louis County. Booing Ted Lilly? Classless. Booing the sitting president? Seditious. Cheering the former president louder than any other, despite the fact that man-ape ran the country about as well as Peter Angelos runs the Orioles? Dumber than Ronny Cedeno opening a baserunning school.

Second: the All-Star Game is just a giant letdown. It always is. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the NL couldn't win against the Washington Generals. I'm talking about the fact that it isn't really ever much of a good baseball game, involves more lineup changes than even Tony LaRussa can stomach, and is about as culturally relevant as a Pro-Bowl with a better publicist.

Once upon a time, the All-Star Game made sense. There were two leagues that only played each other for 4-7 games a year, max - and that was only the two best teams. Free agency was an insane pipe dream that hadn't even twinkled in Marvin Miller's eye. Good players on periennial sucky teams (like Ernie Banks or Warren Spahn) didn't have a chance to show their stuff against the other league. And beer cost a nickel, dammit!

Even after Curt Flood made a small crack in the reserve clause, and those after him shattered it, the All-Star game was still a fun little break from the regular season. It was a meaningless game, meant to be an exhibition of the best talent baseball had to offer. For fun. The fans voting for whomever they wanted to see play made sense. Because, you know, it was for fun. A game.

But then, Bud Selig had to do what he does best and douche it up by doing the following:

1. Starting Interleague play
2. Making it count.

Addressing the first point: I'm not 100% opposed to interleague play. At least not opposed enough to rant about it. But, alongside the rampant team-hopping of the free agency era (which I am not opposed to at all - I'm glad players aren't the slaves of the owners any more. As greedy as some of these jagoffs players are, they are saints compared to most owners) it renders moot the coolest part of the All-Star Game: finding out how good your favorite player is against the best of the other league. My dad (though a lifelong Cubs fan) idolized Stan Musial as a kid. What a thrill it was for him to find out just how well The Man would do against an AL ace like Whitey Ford or Early Wynn (assuming they ever faced each other...I'm just being rhetorical here).

Fast-forward to today. Most fans with google and patience could tell you how well any given All-Star has done against the other league in general, and often, any other player in specific. Using my own pathetic favorite team, I don't have to wonder how well my favorite Cubs would do against any of a number of AL players, because at some point I've seen the matchup before. Although, to be fair, I could safely assume that the Cub player would probably screw it up this year.

But I digress. More than usual. My point being: it's not a big deal to see these player matchups these days.

I'm going to do my best to be brief and not to rehash the numerous criticisms many have made regarding the second point: making the ASG "count." The main problems I have with this are that

A) That can't be much motivation to the numerous skilled players who are playing in cellar-dwelling (or at least mediocre) teams. If you play for the Orioles, why on earth should you hustle and possibly injure yourself so that some Massholes will be the ones celebrating in October? Honestly, if you're the kind of person to play your hardest with that low a level of incentive, you're the kind of person who would play that hard in an exhibition anyway.

B) Most people playing in the ASG are very good at what they do. But most of them have never played together before this week, and probably never will until next year. This isn't a team playing another team. This is a lineup of skilled individuals that have no vested interest in each other playing against the individuals on the other team. I don't really believe in the hokey notions of team chemistry overriding talent, but on some level not playing with the group you've gotten used to working with day-in, day-out over the course of a season has to be a tricky prospect.

C) It's just not as much fun. Christ, there are 162 regular season games that "count." If you have to have an exhibition game midway through the season, make it a joyous celebration of playing a game on a summer evening just for the joy of the game. Baseball is awesome, folks. It doesn't have to mean something to be awesome. I for one would love to be able to watch a great AL homerun or defensive webgem without thinking to myself "dammit, even if the Cubs somehow pull this shit off, they're going to lose home advantage."

Ultimately, all this is moot because it's not really like watching a real baseball game. By the time one pitcher finds his rhythm, his inning or so is done. There's no real sense of "uh oh, Player X is running out of gas and the heart of the lineup is coming up. Who do we have in the pen?" There's no thinking "if Player Y strikes out, Player X might be able to finish out this inning against the bottom of the lineup." It's just: "Inning over. Next inning will be a new #1 starter or last year's best closer facing 3 solid hitters." No flow, no game rhythm, no dynamics. That gets old. It's the reason hardcore bands don't make 18 minute songs.

In conclusion: the All-Star Game sucks. Get rid of it.

Unless the NL ever wins one of the damn things.

All Star Drunkblog: The Late Edition

I'm here, I'M HERE! Sorry I'm late what did I miss? Top of the 5th and the NL is leading 3-2? Oh sweet Jebus let's hope they can hold on.

9:02 - Just sat down for the 5th inning and Utley and Pujols made great defensive stops. It's amazing to see a second baseman with ability for a change.

9:04 - Joe Mauer is a motherfucker. Jesus was Ryan Braun playing in CF? How far was he from that ball? AL ties it 3-3.

9:06 - When it comes to handheld devices, U2 are a fickle bunch of assholes aren't they? First it's iPod and now they're shilling for Blackberry. Have you no shame Bono?

9:08 - Joe Maddon is a helluva manager. I also loved his work opposite Will Smith in "Enemy of the State."

9:09 - Wait, Edwin Jackson is good? When did that happen?

9:11 - All Star record for fastest half inning right there. The bottom of the 5th was over before it started.

9:15 - Ryan Zimmerman is only 24 years old? He's gonna be something whenever he gets to play for a major league team.

9:17 - You make the call. Joe Maddon.....or.....Joe Maddon?


9:19 - Adam Jones looks like the bastard child of Eric Davis and I mean that as a compliment.

9:22 - This drunkblog is brought to you by Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA, the official beer of watching the ASG on the couch with a hot notebook on my lap. I'm sweating like Brando here.

9:23 - Jesus, don't blink or you'll miss the NL bat apparently.

9:24 - Last commercial break there was the largest advertising abortion I've ever seen. It was like a 5 minute Taco Bell commercial that was a blatant ripoff of Andy Samberg's music videos. I hate Taco Bell. I can't remember the last god damn time I went there and was happy with their food. Just a pile of AIDS-laced shmag meat in a tortilla shell.

9:26 - Albert Pujols being interviewed right now. I had no idea he was in the All Star Game. You'd think being in St. Louis they would've made a bigger deal about that.

9:28 - Francisco Cordero is pitching. You know who's not pitching tonight? Chad Cordero.

9:29 - Another quick half inning. This drunkblogging is a breeze.

9:32 - Allow me to be a dick for a second. This singing of "God Bless America" at the 7th inning stretch is complete and utter bullshit. I think I ranted about this before in an old post. I'm close to deeming it a War Criminal. I can do that now and not worry about Dick Cheney secretly wiretapping me.

9:36 - My wife just mentioned that Jayson Werth looks like Leif Garrett. I don't even know what to do with that information.

9:37 - Who would be a bigger douchebag if you bumped into them at a bar, Ryan Braun or Jonathan Papelbon? That's a question for the ages.

9:39 - Leif Werth strikes out to end the 7th inning. Not an exciting last couple innings. Both teams seems to be happily burning through their pitchers though. Is anyone concerned about extra innings? I mean this one "counts" remember?

9:42 - Just saw the one play I missed while I was getting another beer. Carl Crawford robbing a possible homer from Brad Hawpe. The one exciting thing since I logged on thus far and I missed it.

9:45 - 1 out in the top of the 8th and V-Mart is being intentionally walked to bring Adam Jones up. Sure it sets up a possible double play, but I have a bad feeling about this.

9:49 - Eric Davis bastard child with the sac fly. 4-3, AL takes the lead now. Damn it all to hell.

9:51 - Ben Zobrist is now up. Mark it dude, Zobrist will be the Alexei Ramirez of next year's fantasy draft with positional qualifications at 2B/3B/SS/OF.

9:54 - New Mercedes E-Class, basically drives itself according to the pompous commercial. Why can't they work on more important shit like making cars fly and cooking me a steak?

9:56 - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, tonight's game has been deemed the most boring ASG of all time.

9:58 - Adrian Gonzalez. Screw Jake Peavy, this is the Padre you want for your team. Adrian Gonzalez is a grown ass man! He built the Eiffel Tower out of steel, and brawn.

10:00 - Email from former TMS bartender Brant Brown a few hours ago: "Wow, the guy driving Musial in the cart was classic. Didn't even look at Obama until Obama stuck his hand in front of him to shake. Hopefully that shows up on YouTube." St. Louis still acknowledges Jim Crow laws, don't they?

10:02 - Meanwhile a game has started as the NL has men on the corners with Ryan Howard up. 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th. My weiner is alert but not tingling yet.

10:05 - Orlando Hudson steals second. A fine time to mention he was a fucking free agent this offseason, ahem, Mr. Hendry! I'm not a science major but last time I checked as far as second basemen go it's Orlando Hudson > Mike Fontenot > Teri Schiavo > Aaron Miles.

10:07 - Howard strikes out. AIDS.

10:08 - Spiriva for people who have COPD. What the fuck is COPD? Why do I need a commercial for this. If my breathing is fucked up, my doctor will prescribe something. War Criminal: Prescription drug ads. They should be banned right along with tobacco ads. Fucking waste of money. "Your Lipitor will be $117 sir. Yes I know that's a lot for a 30 day supply but did you see how great their last commercial was?"

10:10 - 9th inning has begun. K-Rod is pitching. Mariano Rivera is warming up for the bottom of the 9th. It doesn't matter that he's 52 years old. Mo will probably mow the NL down.

10:12 - The band Jet has to be happy that Budweiser commercials are helping to keep them mariginally relevant by using their one big hit.

10:13 - But we don't broadcast in a 1,000,080p? You don't really broadcast much in 1080p either DirecTV. Stop being such misleading fuckers.

10:16 - I missed the first half of the game. Did a demented Tim McCarver refer to President Obama as a negro or colored? I'm sure Stan Musial's golf cart driver did.

10:18 - Brad Hawpe looks befuddled against Rivera. Speaking of closers, put Lee Smith in the HOF already. Then we can be done arguing for a while until Hoffman and Rivera are eligible. Beyond that I don't see anyone being remotely close to consideration right now.

10:19 - Brad Hawpe might as well have left his bat in the dugout. Down to Miguel Tejada.

10:21 - Lazy pop fly ends the game. The AL wins again. Dammit all to hell. Rivera gets his 4th save in an All Star Game.

10:23 - The NL still has not won an ASG since 1996. Think about that. In 1996 the NL All Star team included Barry Larkin, Tony Gwynn, Matt Williams, Ricky Bottalico, Mark Grudzielanek (as an Expo!), and Steve Trachsel as the lone Cub representative. Yeah that should make you feel depressed.

10:26 - Ugh, why am I still drunk blogging? Carl Crawford is being presented with the ASG MVP Award to a nearly empty Busch Stadium.

10:30 - Flomax will decrease your semen.

10:31 - "The Taco Bell postgame show is sponsored by Taco Bell." -Joe Buck. That's why you get the long dollar Motherbucker!

10:32 - What's with the sad bastard symphony music? Is this the fucking Oscars?

10:34 - Eric Karros interviewing Prince Fielder. "Hey Prince, how did it feel to get that pinch hit double?" "Uh it felt good." Hardhitting shit right there that only Eric Karros can bring you.

10:37 - A new sitcom on Fox with Michael Strahan and Carl Weathers? How can that possibly fail?

10:40 - Alright folks, McCarver and Buck are signing off and so am I. Good night.

Rockies in 6!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 19 Hits & Counting

For each hit Koyie Hill tallies in 2009, I will remove a square of the picture below, until the image underneath is revealed.
Koyie Hill delivered two hits since the last update, so two more squares fall off the board. Hill caught all four games in the weekend series, ceding the plate to Jake Fox late in the second game of the double header on Sunday. He didn't provide a ton of offense, but he's been solid behind the dish for the Cubs since Soto went on the DL. He did lace a sharply hit ball through the legs of Pujols in the first game of the double header, which was ruled an error.

A Koyie Hill Fast Fact Timeline:

June 1st, 2007: In between innings, Koyie Hill tells Carlos Zambrano that catcher Michael Barrett referred to Zambrano as a "beaner". Result: Zambrano wipes the clubhouse with Barrett, Hill comes in to catch.

July 15, 2007: Rob Bowen requests a trade after discovering the brake lines on his SUV had been cut. Jim Hendry trades him to the A's for Jason Kendall. Bowen never arrives in Oakland. Koyie Hill presents Jason Kendall with a big bag of lawn fertilizer to welcome him to the Cubs.

March 15, 2009: During the WBC, Geovany Soto receives an enormous bag of weed at his hotel in Puerto Rico from an "anonymous source". Result: Due to the munchies, Soto comes back from the WBC out of shape, resulting in more playing time for Koyie Hill.

March 30, 2009: Koyie Hill leaves several copies of RamRod magazine in front of Paul Bako's locker. Result: Paul Bako doesn't make the team, Koyie Hill is named backup catcher.

July 7, 2009: Koyie Hill lends Geovany Soto a bat for batting practice. A bat with lead weights secreted inside. Soto pulls his oblique muscle and goes on the DL, resulting in Koyie Hill becoming the starting catcher in the interim.

Send your Koyie Hill Fast Facts to: khillas55@gmail.com

TMS Beer Project: Hop Juice Double IPA

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Hop Juice Double IPA*
(AKA Left Coast Hop Juice)

Brewery: Oggi's Pizza & Brewing Co.

Type: American Double / Imperial IPA

Receptacle: 22 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7, If you're looking for a cool, refreshing beer on a hot 112 degree day, this beer is NOT for you. If you're looking for a beer with a flavor that is going to kick you in the dick with it's skunky hops, then step on up to the bar, son. This beer will put hair on your chest and grow your balls back from when your girlfriend took them and made you watch "The Notebook". I would compare the drinkability of this beer using my good friend K-Wil as an example. We once gave him a glass of Macallan 18 Year Old and he cringed. This is why we no longer give him good Scotch, and this is why when he comes over to watch the Cubs games he always brings Coors Light. The point is, if you have sophisticated and mature tastes, you can handle this beer. If you prefer Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, this beer probably isn't for you.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 10, This beer is hop to the max. From the description on the label:

The recipe calls for hops to be used in every step of the brewing process: in the mash, in a hop back, in the fermenter and in the bright tanks. We use hop extract, hop pellets and hop flowers, hence the name Hop Juice. Hop Juice spends more than 4 weeks dry hopping in the fermenter and the bright beer tank. It is approximately 9.4% abv and has massive IBUs.

This beer is not to be taken lightly, but if you love hoppy beer, then this is for you. It's taste also includes a citrus and malt background to support the hops and has a piny and warming alcohol sensation that lingers long after your last sip, although does not leave that rancid taste in your mouth like many IPA's. It drinks like a nice Scotch that should be enjoyed rather than as a means to an end of getting wasted. Think of it as the Ravinia of beer, rather than the Double Door.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 9, Hope Juice is 9.4% ABV which makes it more of a session beer than anything. It's served in a bomber, which will get you a nice a buzz. Drink one and you'll be feeling fine, drink more than one and you'll be on the floor.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Would celebrities drink this beer? I highly doubt it, it's limited availability to California, Arizona, Philadelphia and Long Island make it a brew that is known by a select few. If a celebrity would be involved, it would include one who likes a real beer (hard to find around those pansy asses) so maybe Jaime Oliver, Zane Lamprey, or Gordon Ramsay.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$, This beer was $5.49 for the 22 oz. bottle, but I've tasted much worse beer that paled in comparison to this for a much higher price. If you can find this beer, it's definitely worth any price just to try it once. Of course, my first taste was free at a beer festival, and now I have to pay for it, which kinda makes it like the crack of Double IPA's.

Overall: 9, But I'm biased, because I love IPA's. The hoppier, the better. Plus at almost 10%, this beer will make feel good afterward whether you like it or not. Personally, it's one of the few high alcohol content beers that I've had that doesn't push the alcohol flavor too much. If you like hops, this should be on your list to try, as it is one of the more drinkable "super IPA's" that you will find. Either you'll love it, our you'll hate it, and by that I mean either you know how to change your oil, throw a football, and smoke cigars, or you like ballets and crocheting.

Go Cubs!

*Two Brothers Brewing Company out of Warrenville, IL also makes a beer by the name of Hop Juice. This is not that beer.

It's Pop Culture Quiz Time!

Featuring: The Exquisite Existential Horror of 16 and Pregnant

Ok. First and foremost: I am not here to praise this show.

I know TMS has a long and storied history of promoting incredibly crappy television. But that isn't my style.

This nightmare is merely on while I am in the room (actually, in the interest of full disclosure, it just ended and my fiancee changed the channel to the slightly less hateful Chelsea Lately). But it is the single bleakest thing I have ever been exposed to. And I have read almost everything Samuel Beckett ever wrote, and own Joy Division's complete discography.

So I did what my father taught me to do when encountering a tough chore. I made a game out of it.

The rules: Pick out the false statements from these random true facts about this show. Every right answer earns you $50 in TMS Fun Bucks, which can be redeemed for Mustache Rides from Chaim Witz¹

The "Facts":

1. Whitney is 16 years old and pregnant.

2. She has dropped out of school to have the baby, because she is ashamed of being pregnant.

3. Her mother is also pregnant.

4. Both she AND her pregnant mother are living at her "Mee-Maw's" house.

5. Her "Mee-Maw" is renting said house.

6. Said house is already overcrowded. Before Whitney's son and her brother are even born.

7. Her "Mee-Maw's" landlord is selling the house.

8. Once the house sells, they are evicted, meaning the only good thing about the crappy housing market is that maybe the depressed economy of whatever backwater community they live in will actually keep a roof over their head.

9. Since dropping out of school, Whitney was a social recluse. Because her friends will not hang out with her for fear of "getting pregnant theyselves."

10. Did I mention everyone in East Dogpatch, or Hooterville, or St. Louis, or wherever this takes place sounds and looks like an extra from Deliverance? Because they hella do.

11. When she ran into her friends at the mall on the first day she left the house in weeks, it was more awkward than discussing "Black Quarterbacks" with my extended family...

12. Oh, remember that House of Despair currently on the market? "Mee-Maw" has to sleep on the couch.

13. Whitney and her Babydaddy Weston (WESTON?) go looking for an apartment. Despite the fact that they live far enough from human civilization that the rent for AN ENTIRE HOUSE costs less than an efficiency in Lincoln Square, they still couldn't afford it. Because they are sixteen.

14. Weston.

15. Weston has a job, but his hours are being cut gradually...

16. While clearing a drawer out in "Mee-Maw's" old room (remember, she's on the couch now!), they found her New Orleans souvenir mug with a ceramic penis for a handle.

17. This made "Mee-Maw" so angry that she told them they had to move out. To recap this one: Whitney's grandmother kicked her pregnant granddaughter out because she found her mug with A CERAMIC PENIS FOR A HANDLE.

18. In an hilarious twist of fate, Whitney goes into labor on what would have been her Prom night. If she hadn't dropped out. Because of her baby.

19. Oh, and there were complications with the labor, necessitating a C-Section. Even after the labor inducing drugs were given.

20. Oh, lest I forget, the baby was not moving enough before delivery, which necessitated being placed on a Fetal Heart Monitor.

21. I still almost forgot...she was just going in for a check-up. The baby wasn't actually due.

22. The baby was born healthy, and Weston actually ended up being good with him. Which is fortuitous, because Whitney was clearly suffering from post-partum depression.

23. The notion of a happy ending was introduced, when Weston's parents offered to let them move into their storage room.

24. A few weeks later, Whitney sat with her baby, and stated in a flat voice "I was too young to have a baby. Thank goodness I had help."

25. The baby looked like a Gray with a pignose. Or, I guess...Sean Marshall.

26. Did I mention the baby is named Weston, Jr.?

27. In celebration of their life maintaining subsistence levels, Whitney ends up baking a cake. Which looks like the easter bunny had diarrhea. Only more depressing.

28. I was just reminded on re-reading this list that Whitney cannot tie her own shoes. She has reproduced.

29. Weston, Jr.

Answer key: If you said every single one of these things was absolutely true, give yourself a mustache ride!

Tune in next week, when a weeping teenage couple decides to re-enact the plot of Juno, only with more heart-wrenching despair, as they decide to bring a baby to term for adoption!

MTV, you truly are devoted to the joy and fun of youth!

---

1. The Chaim Witz Wild Mustache Ride is unfortunately closed for repairs.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 17 Hits & Counting

Since the last KHAS post, Geo Soto remembered that the bat was for hitting, not for grinding his weed. Thus Koyie's opportunities have been limited. The backup backstop tallied his 17th hit against the Braves last night, 3 since the last post.

Some Koyie Hill Fast Facts:

Koyie Hill recently used his beard to sand down 100,000 Pinewood Derby Race cars for underprivileged Illinois youth.

Koyie Hill uses a donut weight for a cockring.

Koyie Hill's chest protector contains no padding and he only wears it for show as Koyie Hill feels no pain.

Have a Koyie Hill fast fact? Send it to khillas55@gmail.com

Down on the Farm with Aramis Ramirez & Reed Johnson

As everyone in the free world knows, Aramis Ramirez and Reed Johnson spent three days with the Peoria Chiefs in preparation for their return to the Cubs' lineup. My Ramirez love has been previously documented on this site, and as Peoria is only about fifty minutes or so from LeRoy, there was no way in hell I was going to miss the chance to see my favorite player for the super low price of 9 bucks a ticket. Minor League Baseball: It Fucking Rocks. In previous years I've seen Kerry Wood, Hank White, and Nomar Garciaparra play for the Chiefs whilst rehabbing various injuries and I also got to see a pre-Cubs Darryl Ward play in Nashville against the Iowa Cubs.

Both Reed and Aramis got good reactions from the sizable crowd on hand. The two Cubs both singled in the first, Johnson (wearing #22) scoring on a single by Peoria first sacker Rebel Ridling (Jesus, what a great baseball name!). Rami would finish the day 1 for 2 with a walk, departing after the fifth inning. He did hit a deep fly ball, which the wind knocked down, otherwise it might have had a chance at getting out. Johnson was 1 for 4, but turned in some solid D before leaving after 7. Ramirez didn't get many defensive chances, but did snag a foul ball with an over the shoulder catch. I believe this was his first appearence in the field since his injury, as he served as DH during his two previous rehab starts.

Johnson's run and Nelson Perez's solo shot weren't quite enough, as Beloit put up four runs. Peoria's player of the game was Michael Brenly, who was 3 for 4 with a double.

If you've never been to a Chiefs game, it's well worth the trip. O'Brien Field is a great little ballpark, one of the better minor league facillities I've been to. There isn't a bad seat in the house and you can get a whole family's worth of tickets for less than it costs to park around Wrigley Field. For five bucks, you can park in Caterpillar's lot, right across the street from the field. However, concessions are almost comparable to major league prices, with beer going for $5.50 a bottle. I guess they have to make their money somewhere, though.

Pictures: Top-Ramirez adjustng his $300 shades while holding down the hot corner, Middle-Reed Johnson scoring the first run of the game, and Bottom-Michael Brenly cruising into second with a double.

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part Two

I adjusted my list for the Underrated since my last post to include a couple more topics. However, since this post would pretty much be a novel if I included them all, and I still have to pick up Chaim's tuxedo pants from the dry cleaner (I accidentally picked up Chip Wesley's dry cleaning last night, no wonder it was shaped like a fairy princess dress) I moved a couple of the original items to Perfectly Rated.

Perfectly Rated:

Black Beans: Order them instead of refried beans. Tastier and healthier.
Mexican Beer: Corona is shit. But Negra Modelo is underrated, so it evens out.
Numero Uno: How can you go wrong with one beef taco, one beef enchilada, and one beef tostada, served with beans? Perfect staple menu item.

And so I bring you the Underrated:

Free Chips and Salsa.
Chips and salsa are far superior to rolls and butter. Period. Okay, your one exception is the Red Lobster Cheese Biscuit, but if you're that desperate, here's a tip: Go to Red Lobster, sit down and order your drinks. Wait for the rolls and then book out of there. Trust me, your stomach will thank you later. Anyways, the free chips and salsa are great for so many reasons. First off all, they are a tasty treat that is perfect for lining your stomach with the carbs it will need to soak up the grease and beer that will follow. In addition, the nachos are great for scooping up your beans (preferably black) when your meal does come. Plus, you can pour the salsa on top of your meal, adding that little something extra your double-steak chimichanga was missing.

Living in AZ, there are way more Mexican Restaurants to chose from than in the Midwest, and I actually will pick one over the other because of the chips and salsa. Here are some examples: Chevy's makes there own tortillas, hell, most places out here make there own tortillas. They even have cool machines or guys that are on display to prove to you they are fresh. Serrano's not only includes salsa, but also a spicy bean dip. And then there is Chuy's. Chuy's offers a full chip and salsa bar, with 5 different salsas to chose from. So skip the stale rolls and "fancy" churned butter. You know you want something salty and spicy instead.

Margaritas.
Where can a man go and enjoy a fruity, yet tart and refreshing alcoholic beverage and not get hit on by guys named Ken? That's right, the Mexican restaurant. Sure, I enjoy beer and whiskey just as much as the next heterosexual male that shaves his chest, but a man should have choices in life, alcohol included. Margaritas are like the nectar of the gods, especially on a 112 degree day when your shoes melt to the pavement before you even make it to the car.

Frozen or on the rocks, with or without salt, I don't give a fuck (actually I prefer frozen with salt, but I love anything slushy). Whoever figured out you could take a liquor as horrible and dirty as tequila and make it into a tasty beverage is a genius. If only "man-code" would allow me to drink these anywhere, but unfortunately when I'm walking around Hohokam Stadium with my $8 little green cocktail (Dos Gringos tent, center field grass area) I get those looks. And I'm not talking about from all the beautiful tail running around in skimpy Cubs bikinis. So thank you Mexican restaurants, for not questioning my sexuality.

Pollo Fundido.
Most of you are probably asking yourself, "Ginger, WTF is a Pollo Fundido?" It's probably because your idea of a Mexican restaurant has a .79, .89, .99 cent value menu. I kid, I kid. Honestly, I had never seen it on a menu when I lived in the Midwest either, so don't feel too bad. But really you should feel bad, because this treat that Taco Hell has yet to discover and turn into rat poison is a fat man's paradise.

Literally translated, Pollo Fundido means Chicken Something (I looked it up and the translator said fundido meant fade to black). Basically it's a burrito filled with shredded chicken and a mix of vegetables, from chiles to peppers to onions, and then deep fried. It's then topped with a cheddar/jack cheese, cream cheese and jalapeno mixture and baked in the oven till the topping is a gooey goodness. Top it off with some sour cream, some salsa and a black olive and you've got the best chimichanga you've ever had, son. Granted, it's not going be on your Jenny Craig's weight watchers menu at 585 calories and 31 grams of fat, but if you're looking for a belly buster at your Mexican restaurant, then order it up. And if they don't have it, just ask, maybe the cooks are from Mexico, or something.

El Pinche Restaurante.
Looking for a quick place for a bite during your lunch break and want some Mexican food but don't have the time and/or money for the whole waiter experience? Skip the Taco Hell and go across the street to that shady Mexican joint that has a whole pig skin, advertisements for phone cards and candles with the Virgin Mary in the window. Be warned, the menu board is probably going to be in Spanish so this is going to take a little bit of effort on your part, but don't worry or be scared, you racist bastard, it will be worth it.

First off, if you don't speak Spanish, just ask. Plus, there is a high probability the menu board will be covered with horrible photos of their food. They have everything that the Taco Hell has. Okay, so maybe they don't serve Volcano tacos, but it's pretty much the same fare, plus they have other great dishes you've probably never heard of. Just be careful to ask about the meat. In addition to the normal chicken, beef and pork selections, you may accidentally order stomach, tongue or even brains, which if you're up for a Andrew Zimmern adventure just might taste good. And here's another hint: these places make awesome breakfast "platos". If you've never had juevos rancheros, you're missing out. Personally I skip most of the greasy food and order myself a carnitas torta with avocado.

Tortas.
Speaking of tortas, here's another little known Mexican food secret that it's amazing Taco Hell hasn't bastardized yet. Basically a torta is a Mexican sandwich. It's served on a 6-8 inch crusty white bread roll called a bolilo, which is usually toasted on the flattop. You might be familiar with it's Cuban cousin, the Cubabo, which is made with roast pork, ham, swiss cheese and dill pickles.

But a torta can be so much more. Basically you pick your meat, which as I mentioned before can include almost any part of the pig, cow or chicken you want. Some of the more popluar versions include al pastor (marinated pork), carne asada (marinate steak), carnitas (fried tender pork), chile relleno (cheese-stuffed pepper), jamon (ham) and huevos (scrambled eggs). Then you pick your toppings which include avocado, sour cream, lettuce, jalapenos , tomatoes and cheese. I hear Wolter orders his with extra cilantro. Slap it on the grill for a minute and you got yourself a torta.

So what makes the torta so special? You know what, I haven't got a fucking clue. It's just great. Maybe it's because I'm used to eating Subway if I want a sandwich. It could be because the grill is perfectly seasoned. But the real reason, and I'm not being racist here, is that Mexicans know how to cook. Whether it's your corner-market taco stand, or the fancy French restaurant downtown, odds are that a Mexican is cooking your food, and if he is, it's more than likely it's going to be damn good.

Go Cubs!

Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants, Part One

Without an idea to write about and my intern weekly post deadline growing near (yes, Chip Wesley, I will pick up your tuxedo pants from the dry cleaners still), I turned to a horrible first trip to Chipotle and one of my favorite TMS posts of yore as motivation for my next craptacular abortion. So here is Part I of Overrated/Underrated: Mexican Restaurants.

I give you the Overrated.


Table-side Guacamole
Honestly, up until a few years ago, I hated guacamole. It was texture thing, and avocado has a weird texture to me. When I finally came around I understood the tastiness of guacamole, but I never understood why it cost so much. I guess those fruits don't travel well. Living in AZ, this is not a problem, and I swear I never had a really good guacamole until I moved out West. The best way to compare it to someone who hasn't been west of the Mississippi is if you've ever eaten a tomato from your garden, and then compared that to one you just bought at the store. No contest. But I digress. Few restaurants still offer this table-side theater, as it's pretty much gone the way of the Caesar salad in Italian restaurants and saganaki (OPA!) in Greek restaurants. Because when it comes down to it, no one really gives a fuck how you make the guacamole. Sure, you can specialize your guacamole if it's being made in front of you (more cilantro please!) but shouldn't the restaurant be the one making the recipe. I mean, that is their job! So guacamole: good. But table-side, I'm not paying an extra couple bucks to watch you do your job, get back in the kitchen.

Mexican Salad Garnish
Stop wasting valuable beans and rice space on my plate with your stupid "salad". Yes, I am a fatty, and I don't have anything against vegetables, but does anyone ever eat that little corner of shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes that accompanies every meal you order at a Mexican Restaurant? But Ginger, "It's a garnish thing," you say. Well, then it's time it went the way of curly parsley. Look, your food isn't even really Mexican food. It's Tex-Mex. The taco, the burrito, the chalupa, do you think they were Mexican staples? No. So don't try to fool me by adding lettuce and tomatoes to my dish and calling it "classy". If I'm eating a greasy pile of carne asada tacos and bean enchiladas, I don't care if my plate is colorful. It's taking up valuable fat and calorie space.

Fried Ice Cream
How can you take ice cream and improve it? How about deep frying it and covering it with honey? Genius! Everything taste better fried. Exhibit A: Chicken Fried Bacon. Sure this dessert which spans both Mexican and Asian fare might seem like a tasty treat at the end of your greasy meal, but is dying for that treat worth it? If so, then go ahead. But if you want to live to eat another Pollo Fundido understand that to make fried ice cream you have to dip the ice cream in raw egg, which is then not cooked enough to remove the possible salmonella poisoning. Plus it's not even a good tempura batter like at a Chinese restaurant. Usually it's stale cornflakes. So keep your fried ice cream away from me, and while you're at it, stick your churros up your ass as well.

Menudo
To be honest, I've never had Menudo, so maybe it's actually good. And it's supposed to be a great hangover cure, which I could use many a Tuesday morning when I'm pulling a Wolter and calling in sick because of a Listerine and Binaca binge from the night before. But anything that involves cooking a part of an animal for an extended period of time (like 6-8 hours) just to make it edible is not good eats in my book. Plus the smell is horrible. So much so that I won't even venture near a Mexican restaurant on Sunday's. Which sucks, because that's the day that my hangover needs a greasy taco and hair-of-the-dog margarita to get me through the day the most. So GFY menudo, for making Mexican off-limits to me on Sunday. Oh, and the band sucked too.

Chipotle®
I had Chipotle last night for the first time and it was probably the most disappointing experience of my life, other than losing my virginity, although both ended up with me praying to the porcelain goddess afterward. I had heard so much about Chipotle. How great it was. How the burritos were the size of basketballs. How the salsa was the best ever. And this is probably true for 85% of the population whose closest competition is Taco Bell, but for me it was shit. Growing up in DeKalb, IL we had 3 different burrito joints. And that's all they did: burritos. Sometime during the late 90's they decided to all out-do each other. So within a couple months, you could order a 4 pound burrito that was twice the size of the one I got at Chipotle for half the price (usually around $4-$5), and didn't taste like a baby pooped in a soggy tortilla and covered it with baby puke sour cream.


Fish Tacos
Growing up in the Midwest, I had never heard of fish tacos. But since moving to the valley of the sun, I have noticed that they are everywhere. Every Mexican restaurant has some form or another, and if my 6 hours of watching the Food Network each night has taught me anything, it's that these California treats are sweeping the nation. At first, I was down. It was something new. But then I soon realized that really all I was getting was a small piece of breaded cod and some cole slaw in a mini tortilla. The only people who should be eating fish tacos are vegetarians, who are also probably munching on pink tacos as well.

Next installment, the Underrated, which will include: Free Chips and Salsa, Margaritas, Pollo Fundido, Black Beans, Mexican Beer and the Numero Uno.

Go Cubs!

TwitterLog: Day Three

As Day Three of my week long immersion into the fiery depths of Twitter marks the halfway point of my week long experiment (In the contract that the Interns Union signed with TMS via collective bargaining we are forced to take the weekend off... if we don't we are stoned to death, or Wolter will punch us in the face...)

The "Like OMG I can use the series of tubes and clog up the Internets!" Tweet: @MileyCyrus: http://twitpic.com/8y2vf - Rocking out to "BAD" in my bathroom. MJ is my hero!

Miley: I'm sorry to say this but this is in no way original. If you were to take a poll of people this past week who listened to the song "Bad" you would probably have the discovered that it was quite popular, I mean hell even I'm sure you know how to use iTunes. P.S. Until today every song for the past four days on the iTunes Top Ten has been a Michael Jackson song.

Americas Daily Asshat Tweet: @DaneCook: Just stubbed my toe. Smashed it. Hard. I really want to hunt down & destroy all known sofas on this planet so no one else suffers this fate.

Wow Dane you are just so F#CKING HILAROUS. I bet you couldn't come up with another joke, just like that one, but different. Bet you couldn't. Wait? You mean thats all you do? Well lets pay this guy millions of dollars to tell the same joke... over and over and over and over and over...

Oh You Tweet Eh?: @WilliamShatner: Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian fans and friends. My best, Bill

I wonder if he uses Scotty or Priceline to get to Canada? I'll drink a LaBatt for Canada Day.


ShaqTweet: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Wit love like all the twitterers show me, I don't want no enemys Love you all

Shaq: You're da man too.

Best Tweet (And Marketing Ploy) of the Day: @HyundaiNews: Hyundai's "1.49 Fill Fuel Up" in LA: Hollywood 76, 5890 Hollywood Blvd. (SE corner of Hollywood & Bronson). 1.49 gas 12-2!

Hyundai used Twitter to its full advantage and caused a scene like an Amish Bank Run outside of three gas stations around the US. Cars were lined up outside to get the cheap gas as a part of the larger marketing ploy that CNBC covered today where Hyundai will give you $1.49 gas for a year. While CNBC said that the average annual savings would be just over $500 at currently expected price levels, it could increase the market share of Hyundai in the US if it proves to be successful. Well I know one thing is for sure: It will have to work better than the Kentucky Fried Chicken campaign to fill pothole in Louisville a few years ago.

Fun Fact: The Col. Sanders Impersonator here actually
used to be a bank robber! Seriously!

Worst Tweet of the Day: @DeadSpin: The Jay Mariotti Online Express Could Be Headed Back To Chicago http://deadspin.com/5304711 #mediameltdowns #jaymariotti

This is the worst not because I hate Deadspin but rather because I just hate Jay Mariotti that much, but I am not going to sink to his level.

Death League Update: Karl Malden

Born Mladen Sekulovich, Karl Malden was best known for his roles in A Streetcar Named Desire (for which he received the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 1952), On The Waterfront (for which he received the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 1955), and the TV show, The Streets of San Francisco (nominated for an Leading Actor Emmy four times). He served as the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences from 1988 to 1993. He was also known for his commercials for American Express.

I honestly don't know enough about Mr. Malden to write something clever or funny. He leaves behind an impressive body of film and television work. One point to me in the Death League.

---

CURRENT DEATH LEAGUE STANDINGS

RK	Manager	Deaths	Score
1.	Brant Brown	Bettie Page, Chuck Daly, David Carradine	14
2.	Chaim Witz	Carl Pohlad, Ricardo Montalban, Dom DeLuise	10
3.	Dave Thomas	Farrah Fawcett	8
4.	The Hundley	Eartha Kitt, Paul Harvey	6
4.	Daft Funk	Jack Kemp	6
6.	Chip Wesley	Ed McMahon	3
6.	Jordi	Bea Arthur	3
8.	Arcturus	Karl Malden	1
9.	Governor X	-	0
9.	Tommy Buzanis	-	0
9.	Lingering Bursitis	-	0

TwitterLog: Day Two

Today I delved deeper into the infinite powder-blue and white madness that is Twitter. I discovered some Gems hidden beneath the surface, so lets delve in:

Tweet that made me want to drink my sorrows away: @ TilaTequila: Yea seriousy yall...there's more to life than being really, really good looking! Am I am really good looking! Ahahhahaa

Wow, I thought that I really liked Zoolander until the Playboy Model turned Reality TV Star turned Singer turned Playboy Model used a line from it and then inserted herself. Derek Zoolander is far to great of a man to be taken down to your level, Tila. By the simple fact that I mentioned her on TMS might bring her out of the D-List into the C-List... a risk I'm willing to take.

Dog Eat Tweet: @Casar Millan: A pack leader doesn’t project emotional or nervous energy, so neither should you.

Helpful advice, If I were a dog leading a pack of dogs.



ShaqTweet: @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Just shook the hand of the greatest artist since picasso Peter max is the best, I just left his art studio, we are doin a project togetha

Nice, I can't wait for the follow up to Shaq Diesel. Best Album of this or any century!

Best Tweet of the Day: @Deadspin: Police Called To Break Up High School Softball Game http://deadspin.com/5304735 #highschoolsoftball #softballteamsfight

Wow, a high school softball team brawl! Where can I buy tickets?

Worst (And Most Shameless) Tweet of the Day:

First some background. While covering celebrities is easy and fun, because you never know what in the world they might say. Yet just on day two I discovered that Tila Tequila is indeed quite possibly a very very sad person. She is now using Twitter for the proverbial "Booty Call" posting her phone number and asking for new "boos" to call her. After all of these it was then followed with this Gem:

@ TilaTequila: Ya'll be ready....I am up late working. I am currently writing an open letter to the PRESIDENT right now. U heard it 1st. Be ready!

Ha ha ha ha ha... you'll get back a "Thanks for writing to the White House..." letter and a photo of the President. What kind of shrewd argument will you be making to President Obama? I'm really interested to hear.

In a side note: Casar Millan is now following me. Looks like I'm the leader of the pack now.

Dear Jeff Tweedy: Please Rediscover Drugs

PLEASE, GOD, NO

So the new Wilco album is out, and it kinda sucks. It sounds as if the band, complete with guitars, dusty memorabilia and memories, have decamped to an old person's home to record their dying days. It sounds like stagnation. It sounds like lack of effort. It sounds like late-era Steely Dan.

In their dotage, Wilco have become rather comfortable, and as such, their music lacks a certain cutting edge that it might still possess were its members embroiled in scandal, heartbreak, drug addiction and financial hunger, for it is from those difficult corners of life that great art often swells.

It's not just music, either; the second Stephen King signed himself to a gargantuan book deal worth millions upon millions, he stopped writing coherent, legitimately scary fiction and began phoning it in. Seriously, did anyone read "The Tommyknockers" or see that TV mini-series? What the fuck was that all about?

But back to music again, as there's where the bulk of this rant originates. I merely wish that musicians and artists would stop being so fucking selfish and would pick up the needle or the bottle again in order to give us, the paying public, some more of that good, old-fashioned, visceral, knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt music again! Or at least default on a couple of mortgage payments having blown $80,000 playing baccarat with Charles Barkley just to show that you still need the money and the fame to get by.

While I'm pleased that you fought an addiction to painkillers and won, Mr. Tweedy, the tough truth is that your music fucking sucks without that stuff, and I fear it shall taint your legacy permanently. If Rolling Stone gets a whiff of your current obssession with releasing hackneyed Americana records, you're well and truly fucked.

Songs like "Shot in the Arm" and LPs like "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" were born in some gloomy, gloomy neighbourhoods of the human psyche, and now you're peddling rock lite that no amount of tongue-in-cheek branding can hide! Seriously! "Sky Blue Sky" was fucking awful! Music to mow the lawn to! Music to play while chauffering the elderly from doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment! Music to feed to patients in a methadone clinic while they lie in an apathetic stupor. Nothing intriguing or challenging about it, and that's the death knell for music, books, or really any creative enterprise.

To his eternal credit, Kurt Cobain gave us album after album of grimy, pessimistic music, and then followed through on his torment by putting a bullet in his head. That shows some guts! Meanwhile, Tweedy, you went to rehab and became a rather withered husk of that angry former self who is content to release drive-time dreck like "Impossible, Germany". Don't get me wrong; your human struggle almost cost you a marriage and several close relationships, but it also made your music kinda suck.

It's a difficult relationship between life and art, and normally, the two are forever inverse. When you're angry, you tend to write better.

Ask Chip Wesley, whose seething Cubs rants read better than anything on TMS.

Ask Billy Corgan, who got out all that teen angst on the first couple of albums while the rent checks were still due, and as soon as his debts were paid, we were forced to endure weighty, retarded concept albums about star-crossed lovers on imaginary planets, all of it backed by awful-sounding industrial rock that not even the most atonal, drooling moron could appreciate.

Ask Brian Wilson. In the first era of the Beach Boys, you could begin to hear the thin veneer barely holding that tubby composer together. When it finally did all go wrong, the band fucked off to Europe and recorded "Holland", easily my favourite Beach Boys record for its off-kilter mood and still-beautiful instrumentation.

Or maybe ask Axl Rose. Shit, if he'd have shown some balls in releasing "Chinese Democracy" during those weird, wild days of punching Tommy Hilfiger and slowly going insane, it might have been half-decent. As such, he waited until life calmed down again and he was able to "focus" on finishing those songs, with the ensuing album sounding like warm garbage being filtered through Fran Drescher's lower intestine.

Frusciante: demented, addled genius on drugs. Shitty, noodly guitarist off drugs.

Conversely, John Frusciante's weird, homemade solo albums while hooked on heroin may have been hard to listen to, but at least they bared his struggles for us to appreciate. Which reminds me, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are equally culpable of this curse... since they all got clean (and we all know they did because it seemed like all of "Californication" was explicitly, unrelentingly telling us this much), their music is now absolutely intolerable.

So that's just a small slab of the music world covered. If you look at film, check out George Lucas, whose bloated oeuvre became a sad parody of itself once the dude had more money than Jesus. Or books (we already mentioned King), where John Grisham can ejaculate a 372-page law/crime/scandal-packed novel every 12 months, each more contrived and devoted to legal minutiae than the last. In his new one, I hear some guy exploits a 401(k) loophole in conjunction with new legislation offsetting tax liens for offshore companies, with spooky, violent, and breathtaking results! Thrills ensue!

But I digress, and shift back to Wilco with the full brunt of my ire.

I beg the soft-rock collective to get Tweedy a forged 'scrip or two so we might be able to enjoy their output once again. Until then, their tunes are fast approaching Michael McDonald territory.

And you know what's funny about Michael McDonald? Never did a fuckin' drug in his life. Never had a nervous breakdown in his life, either, and you can hear it in that debilitating, nerve-damaging shite he calls music.