The Gist: Game #3

Cubs: 11, Hateful Texans: 6

Wow. The Cubs' offense hit the ground running today. To give you an idea of just how potent they were at the onset of the game:

• Ted Lilly put on a batting helmet before he picked up a rosin bag.
• Alfonso Soriano led off the 1st, 2nd, AND 3rd innings.
• Brian Moehler was knocked out by the second inning. His current ERA? 37.80. WHIP? 5.4. Schadenfreude? Tons.
• Fontenot continued to prove jerks like me wrong about him by unleashing a 3-run dong.
  
• After two, it was 8-0 Cubs.
  

In fact, I started to zone out until Keppinger and Berkman had back to back homeruns in the 3rd. Of course, I wrote that off as no big deal. Then friggin' Ivan Rodriguez (I refuse to call him Pudge and I will forgive Will F@&#ing Clark before I root for him) knocked in two with a ball that probably landed in Oklahoma. Still it was 8-4. And then Aramis (we're on a first name basis) knocked a number off the scoreboard with a two RBI double. 10-4.

Two random solo homeruns from Hazmat Sui and that mouthbreathing freak Hunter Pence brought the 'stros within striking distance. But Kosuke Fukodome (who apparently was channeling his April 2008 self by going 4-5 with a BB) made a solo jack of his own, to make it 11-6.

Angel Guzman (holy crap, he's actually playing for the Cubs?) finished the game up competently.

I don't know if I want to watch another Cubs game where 5 homeruns are given up any time soon, but at least our offense is nails right now. The Cubs are taking their traveling show to Milwaukee next, where hopefully they can stamp out the silly Wisconsinite notion that they are our division rivals.

TMS Beer Project: Old Style Lager

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Old Style

Brewery: G. Heileman Brewing Co.

Type: American Adjunct Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 10, Earlier this Spring when I heard that Old Style went back to the kraeusening process, I was absolutely giddy. Back when it was really brewed by G. Heileman (the brewing company now only exists in name only) kraeusening was an aging process that was used to make Old Style. Originally developed by the Germans as a means to carbonate beer, it also served as a second fermentation process. In the mid-90's when Stroh's took over the Old Style label they discontinued the kraeusening process.

So is the new/old kraeusened Old Style good? You're god damn straight it is. I can't really explain it fully but, as strange and disturbing as this may sound, it tastes like my childhood. In a good way, not in a sad "daddy drinks because you cry/this is what happens when you spill paint in the garage (shows cigarette burn in arm)" way.

There's just something nostalgic about it. I grew up with friends joking about Old Style and beers like it as "crap my dad drinks." Well if this is how it tasted back then, can you blame them?

Did any of that make sense? No? Let's just move on....

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6, Being that it's a traditional lager, one shouldn't expect this to be real heavy and slow-drinking. Granted the folks drinking their Michael Bolton Light will find it a bit jarring to them. Don't worry, that's called flavor. Flavor is a good thing.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 6, Old Style is only 4.7% ABV, but it's so damn tasty you'll be pretty well shitfaced by the time you've had your fill on this delicious nectar of the blue-collar gods.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Cadwallader C. Washburn, the cast of any John Hughes film from the 1980's, Jake the Neighborhood Guy, your dad.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$, This one would've been just one $ a few months ago, but with a new taste comes a new price and unfortunately it's a higher one. $10 for a 12 pack of bottles.

Overall: 10, I've made it quite known in the past that I hate pretty much all light beer. Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite? They're the adult contemporary pop music of the beer world. Watered-down, unoriginal, manufactured to appeal to the masses. No thanks, I'd much rather have a PBR, Schlitz, High Life, and of course, Old Style. With the revival of kraeusening as well as Schlitz returning back to it's 1960's formula (a beer project on that is forthcoming) it seems like the old school American lagers are seeing a bit of a renaissance, and I for one welcome it.

This guy enjoys Old Style. He also thinks Bud Light is for Communists and wonders why his wife can't learn to cook better.

The Gist: Game #2

Cubs 2, Elderly Hunters 3

Ryan Dempster, who will remain the most important offseason signing until Milton Bradley gets a hit, pitched six solid innings, giving up two runs. The real hero was Soriano, who tied the game with a gigantic solo shot in the top of the eighth. It was a bomb that nearly cleared the entire stadium, and was made even more sweet by being launched off of LaTroy Hawkins. Alfonso Soriano: 2009 MVP.

Koyie Hill entered the game in the sixth when (i heart) Soto left with a sore shoulder. He had an excellent play in the bottom of the seventh, gunning down Kaz Matsui trying to steal second. Who says you need properly functioning fingers? Aaron Miles made his Cub debut by striking out in a pinch-hitting role. This further proves that he is no Little Mikey Horse 'n' Phone (tip of the cap to Chuck Klosterman). Unfortunately, the re-vamped bullpen would go on to blow it in the tenth inning, when a broken bat single by Jeff Keppinger plated the game-winning run. The Astros broke a lot of bats tonight. I hope someone was checking for cork.

Be Like Mike (Except the whole gambling part)

Lost amidst all of the Opening Day hoopla and NCAA National Championship anti-climaticism (word? Doubtful) was the fact that yesterday the greatest athlete of all time, Michael Jordan, was elected to the Hall of Fame. Now I know you're thinking, "Really? He sucked at baseball."

Well rest assured stat geeks and purists, this accolade is for his hardwood accomplishments only. Because when it came to shooting that little orange ball into the peach basket, no one (not even Iron Maiden) has ever done it better. Not Kobe. Not LeBron (amazing to be sure, but let's reconvene when he gets 6 rings). Not even Jeff Hornacek. MJ was the best there ever was and the best there ever will be. If you don't agree, well, you're probably too young (visions of Jordan in a Wizard uni dancing through your head) or worse, a Jazz fan.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Iron Maiden

2008 Season: Did not play the game of baseball

SO LONG: Paul Day (V), Dennis Wilcock (V), Dave Sullivan (G), Terry Rance (G), Bob Sawyer (G), Tony Moore (K), Terry Wapram (G), Barry Purkis (D), Doug Samson (D), Paul Di'Anno (V), Paul Cairns (G), Dennis Stratton (G), Clive Burr (D), Blaze Bayley (V)

WELCOME: Nicko McBrain (D, P), Janick Gers (G, BV), Michael Kenney (K-live only)

WELCOME BACK: Bruce Dickinson (V), Adrian Smith (G, BV)

NEVER LEFT: Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio), Dave Murray (G)

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Eddie the Head (M)
2. Dave Murray (G)
3. Bruce Dickinson (V)
4. Nicko McBrain (D, P)
5. Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio)
6. Adrian Smith (G)
7. Janick Gers (G, BV)
8. "You, the Maiden fans! SCREAM FOR ME, LONG BEACH!" (A)
9. Michael Kenney (K-Live)

Starting: Probably some lesser act on the revival circuit, like Helloween, or some upstarts like DragonForce
Setup: About 6-7 hours, give or take local load-in times
Closer: Giant robotic Eddie breathes fire during "Running Free"

Well, Maiden has always done what it could to shock and impress fans, and their insistance that they can conquer Major League Baseball as easily as they conquered the New Wave of British Heavy Metal is nothing if not consistent with their storied career.

However, can this aging team of veterans (average age: 53) really take the world of baseball by storm? Sure, Eddie and Dave Murray provide both speed and evil at the top of the lineup, and the 3-4-5 punch of Dickinson, McBain, and Harris provides finesse, power, and sound fundamentals respectively. But one wonders if they will be able to translate their dominance of metal and hard rock into the dominance of a division, or even parlay that into a Wild Card berth.

As usual, the back of the order is a question mark. Adrian Smith is dependable when he's healthy, but will Janick Gers and Michael Kenney be around at the All-Star break? And will the #8 hitting Maiden Fans be able to "Up the Irons," or will their boss at the Body Shop refuse to let them take off work because he's "Understaffed."

Sure, these doubts plague all teams, but I think it's a safe bet that, given that no member of Iron Maiden has ever even picked up a baseball, that this is not to be their year. Like all expansion teams, they are doomed to mediocrity. However, I am confident in saying that they will finish ahead of the Washington Nationals.

PREASEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Well, there's nothing much sexy about these yobs. But Eddie the Head is still badassed after all these years. So, there you go.

"Keyboards? Really?" Award: Michael Kenney. In a band with THREE guitarists, it's no doubt he doubles as a band technician. I'd be surprised to learn he isn't their "Beer Bitch."

Ugliest Guy in an Ugly, Ugly Band Award: Nicko McBain. Ugh.

For More Reading
Official Website

Bring Out the Gist: Game 1

It's back and it figures to be underwhelming as ever. The Gist.

Boys in Blue 4, Elderly Wildlife Hunters 2

The game got off to a bang, with Soriano hitting a donkey punch. God 1, Satan 0. Then in the second inning...WHAMMY! A newly svelte Aramis Ramierez hit a bomb and had sex with Roy Oswalt's mother as he rounded the bases. Good 2, Evil 0.

Meanwhile a not so svelte Fat Z was mowing em down like it was 04'. (In high pitched sing song voice) Fatty Z! 6IP, 1R, 6K, 0 temper tantrums.

For good measure, Ryan Theriot sac flied his brother in Cajun arms, Michael Fontenot to make it 3-0 and then Micah Hoffpauir made a cameo appearance, stroking an RBI single. Stroke this Astros. Some dude that wasn't Kerry Wood came in and nailed it down in the ninth. Gave up a run, but that's ok. At least he didn't fuck it all up like the Cardinals closer did. What a bunch of jackasses the Cardinals are huh? But that's for another day.

Cubs win, Milton Bradley doesn't get hurt (almost), America wins.

Bring out the Gist
The Gist is sleeping.
Well I guess you're gonna have to wake him up now, aren't you?

Opening Day 2009

It's Sunday afternoon and the Phillies and Braves are mere hours away from kicking off the 2009 Major League Baseball season. Hope is springing anew, as you can finally throw away your NCAA bracket and prepare to ignore the NBA playoffs. You will hear John Fogerty's "Centerfield" tomorrow, and a smile will extend across your face. Each baseball squad is currently in a position to win their division. Your fantasy baseball team looks just as good today (if not better) than anyone else in your league. You may be skipping out on work tomorrow to attend a game, or just sit at home and take in all five being shown on ESPN. Opening Day belongs to you, your team, your city, and all of the fans who live and breathe baseball.

Here are some random thoughts leading into the season:

• Looking back, doesn't it feel a little odd that the Phillies are the defending World Series champions? And not only that, but the fact that they beat out the Rays for the title? Did it all really happen? Was it the rain delay disaster that leaves a bad taste in my mouth from the World Series? I don't mean to minimize what the Phillies accomplished; they clearly put it all together at the end and won the trophy on their own merit. Maybe it's just that I had no vested interest in either the Phillies or the Rays. Perhaps I just feel unfulfilled because us Cubs fans had set ourselves up for such an emotional let down.

• Dave Winfield is now on Baseball Tonight. Is he really that tall, or are Ravech, Gammons, and Kruk all that short? Winfield looks like a beast, but has a soft and comforting voice. Is Fernando Vina still employed by ESPN? I'd like to see Winfield and Vina stand back-to-back.

• A quick look at the always reliable MLBTradeRumors.com tells us that Matt Clement has retired. Clement and his chin beard but together a few decent seasons for the Cubs, so we give him an affectionate pat on the rear as he moves on.

• The trendy prognostications this pre-season seem to be that 1) anyone can win the AL Central, including the Royals, and 2) the Reds will make a push for second place in the NL Central. The Reds claim is plausible, particularly because the Cardinals and Brewers did little to improve their clubs. The Royals, however, are still a huge step behind the Twins and Indians, who will duke it out all summer for the division title.

• I wish Peter Gammons could just write a dependable, weekly Diamond Notes column like he did back in the day. I blame the Internet.

• It's nice to have the Cubs opening the season with a night game instead of a bitterly cold afternoon game in Chicago or Cincinnati. I'm all for a two city road trip to kick off the season if it means avoiding inclement weather.

• And to expound on the last point, the White Sox/Royals Opening Day game in Chicago has already been postponed due to snow. Clearly April weather has once again come as a surprise to the schedule-makers.

• Ugh, Steve Phillips joins the ESPN Sunday Night booth. He and Joe Morgan are just so unlikeable. Rick Sutcliffe needs to be promoted to the Sunday night game in the next few years, and that's not just a Cubs bias.

• One final Cubs note: As you're all sure to know by now, Samardzija has been sent to Des Moines, and Chad Gaudin was cut. It was pretty clear that the final two bullpen spots would go to Angel Guzman (out of options) and David Patton (Rule V pick) due to their contractual constraints.

So, are we picking the Cubs to win the 2009 World Series? Not today. Today anyone can win the World Series.

Well, maybe not the Pirates.

TMS MLB Preview 09: The New York Yankees

Man, fuck this team

SO LONG -
OF Bobby Abreu, 1B Jason Giambi, C Chad Moeller, P Mike Mussina (retired), P Carl Pavano, P Sidney Ponson, C Ivan Rodriguez

WELCOME -
SS Angel Berroa, P A.J. Burnett, C Kevin Cash, P Jason Johnson, P CC Sabathia, 1B Mark Teixeira


PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Johnny Damon LF
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Mark Teixeira 1B
4. Hideki Matsui DH
5. Xavier Nady RF
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Robinson Cano 2B
8. Cody Ransom 3B
9. Brett Gardner CF

Starting Rotation - CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang, Joba Chamberlain, Andy Pettitte
Setup - Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte
Closer - Mariano Rivera


The Yankees of 2009 are a lot different from the Yankees of 2008, in that they're now free of at least 3 guys who did steroids. While that sudden decline in "Cheaters on Roster" would be a glorious achievement for most teams, the Yanks still have the worst one on their books, and he's collecting more money than anyone else in the game.

Oh, Alex Rodriguez. This is a guy with worse image problems than Michael Jackson. On a squad of unlikeable, talent-laden douchebags, he's way out in front of the crowd on all counts. And it really, really, really pisses me the fuck off. A-Rod will rehab his injury until May, and his Yankees, swollen with money and pinstriped arrogance, will be just fine without him. Why? Because they've bought any Free Agent that could have possibly tripped them up.

Pitching? Sure, bring in CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett to complement the boring Asian, the fat Nebraskan, and Clemens' personal ass-licker. Trouble on offense? No worries. Dumb the mustached Oakland retard, the guy who made tearful steroid confessions en vogue for players past and present, and replace him with the shiny, bland 1B from Los Angeles. Yeah, that Mr. Clean was so irritating during his press conference, dazzling the slackjawed New York media with his homespun tale of family decision-making. Apparently, he let his wife pick the team for him, and not surprisingly, like any smart woman with an angle to play, she chooses the team willing to dump the most money in his pockets.

It's no surprise; the bloated, decrepit corpse that used to be George Steinbrenner has done well spending his pension checks this off-season. For a team with no holes to begin with, they look stronger than ever, and they have the dollar sign to thank for it.

Fuck you, New York Yankees.

You stole a fuckton of money from the city to pay for your shiny new overpriced Guido shrine in the South Bronx, soon to be filled with loudmouthed Wops paying 9 bucks for a 9oz Miller Lite (smaller bottles so they don't beat their wives too hard when A-Rod goes 0-4 with RISP) and some sort of Hard Rock Cafe.

You took money from them to pay for your arrogance, and then in the midst of a crumbling economy, you commit to spending close to $430 million on three fucking players, one of whom is so obese, he could play O-Line in the SEC. CC Sabathia is a walking ad for Type 2 Diabetes, but at least he has millions to pay for his medicine, and so does dying George, wasting away in his skybox that grazes the southern rings of Jupiter, while his fat, square-jawed, retard son continues to seek counsel from his double-chin in all things evil and morally reprehensible.

Mr. Sexy Time: fuck this shit.
I'm not picking one of these guys as some testament to America's Pastime. They're all idiots for buying into the evil empire, everything that's passe and irritating about America boiled down into one team with its own TV network and a retarded policy against facial hair. I guess if forced to pick someone, I'd go with Cody Ransom. Why? Because he's young and new to this satanism, so there's still hope of his salvation. Plus I saw him hit a 3-run HR against the Cubs tonight, so he's obviously a good fit to replace A-Rod in the lineup until that cheating, lying doublecunt returns to full fitness. Of course, as the Yankees are prone to do, they'll dump poor, hard-working Ransom down to AA until he learns to respect his fucking elders. That's what NYY is good for, and fuck 'em for it.

Fuck This Guy Especially: Joba Chamberlain
Another testament to the remarkable depths of humanity. A loud redneck with a good fastball and a damn good lawyer.

Triple Fuck This Guy With Satan's Barbed Cock: Derek Jeter
Mr. America, Mr. September, whatever the fuck you call him, he's about as culturally relevant as David Letterman. I wish his numbers would drop off and Hank would get so angry that he'd bench the fucker. It's irrational, sure, but the composite man known as Jeet is fucking loathesome to me. The 10-dollar smile, the retired golf pro hairstyle, the swagger, the endorsements from Gillett (ps. move the razor sideways next time, you fuck), the whole apple pie and high-five bullshit you adopt as the leader of this wretched cabal. You're a fucking prick, and I wish I could say that to your face. In the meantime, I hope you sprain your knee or something.
---

I hate this team. I hate what they do, I hate what they stand for, and I hate what they do to baseball. They almost made me stop paying attention to the sport, but I'll persevere, because I want the Yankees to lose at even that modest task this season.

I hope this team wins fuck-all and spends all Winter bitching and moaning at one another. Oh, and Robinson Cano? I know you shot something during your big sophomore season. You drop from hitting .342 and slugging .525 to .271/.410 in just two years? Get the fuck out, buddy. Your time will come too. Meanwhile, continue to wipe A-Rod's tears at the dissolution of his marriage, his laughable obsession with Maradona, and his generally dislikeable demeanor.

Fuck all of you and your entire fucking team. Except Cody Ransom. He seems like a stand-up guy.

Bears Trade for Jay Cutler, And Not the Mr. Olympia One

The Chicago Bears just pulled off a huge coup, shocking everyone (including Jesus) by trading for Jay Cutler. Not the weightlifting champ pictured above, but the perpetually sad quarterback with diabetes. Besides being sad and short on insulin, he's also very talented.

I did not see this coming. I mean, really, who ever expects the Bears to be involved with anything exciting, games included? This is huge. Bring back Ditka (if for nothing else than to get him off the air) and then they're really cooking with gas. Talk amongst yourselves.

Update: Now it appears the Bears have also signed Orlando Pace. No, not the heir to salsa throne, but the mildly obese, aging left tackle who still happens to be really good. The Apocalypse appears to be upon us.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Chicago White Sox

All through March (and early April), Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX

SO LONG: 3B Wilson Betemit, SS Orlando Cabrera, 3B Joe Crede, OF Ken Griffey Jr., C Toby Hall, P Horacio Ramirez, SS Juan Uribe, 1B Nick Swisher

WELCOME: P Bartolo Colon

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. DeWayne Wise CF
2. A.J. Pierzynski C
3. Carlos Quentin LF
4. Jermaine Dye RF
5. Jim Thome DH
6. Paul Konerko 1B
7. Alexei Ramirez SS
8. Josh Fields 3B
9. Chris Getz 2B

Starting Rotation: Mark Buehrle, Gavin Floyd, John Danks, Bartolo Colon, Jose Contreras, Clayton Richard
Setup: Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel
Closer: Bobby Jenks

Every year all the experts say that the White Sox will underperform. Every year I say that they will embarrass themselves with the collection of talent they put on the field day in and day out. For the last couple of years I've been dining on my words. Particularly when they returned the favor of sweeping the Cubs on their home turf.

I simply don't understand it. Thome should be getting discounts when he rides the bus. Opening day is less than a week away and they have no center fielder. Konerko and Dye will still be solid but truthfully they should have been traded last year for younger talent. Among everyone that they lost, they basically let Swisher, a fan favorite and an emotional leader, go without a fight. Jenks can still bring the heat but his control is still lacking. Contreras has always been a head case and Colon is in worse shape than most of the fans watching the game. At least they can shuck and jive the cops when they hop over the rail and onto the field.

I would now like to pause, reflect, and take this opportunity to tell A.J. Pierzynski that I will see him in hell. (Tips cap to Michael Barrett)

They do have some potential. Quentin will likely put up great numbers again and his injury was just a fluke. Gavin Floyd and John Danks are looking good coming out of the spring. Josh Fields was supposed to break out last year and never did. He's still young and could possibly do well. And finally Alexei Ramirez has shown that he can hit in the clutch.

The AL Central is a huge question mark this year. Detroit, Cleveland, and Minnesota are all built to be contenders but that didn't stop them all from crapping the bed last year. Let's face it, the White Sox have the potential to win 80-85 games again this year and could be in the hunt for back-to-back trips to the post season for the first time in franchise history.

PRESEASON AWARDS

Mr. Sexy Time: If Carlos Quentin can keep from injuring himself, he could be in line for another great year. For basically the cost of the plane ticket to Chicago, Kenny Williams picked up a gem from the D'Backs. He was on pace with MVP numbers (36 HRs in 480 ABs) until he broke his own wrist punching a bat after a foul-tip.

Are You Gonna Finish That?: Bartolo Colon just had surgery in the offseason to clean up some bone chips in his elbow. Speaking of chips, this guy weighs in at a svelte 245 pounds. He'll be 36 next month and even Don Cooper hasn't been able to locate the 2005 Bartolo who posted 21 wins for the Angels from inside that fatty husk. Pencil this guy in for a mid-season injury and a table near the kitchen.


Señor no me importa una mierda lo que piensas: I remember playing as the White Sox in Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball on my trusty Super Nintendo. There was a scrappy little guy on the roster with a twitchy elbow who would routinely rifle the ball into the gap. His name? Ozzie Guillen. Now instead of rifling anything, he's constantly under fire from the media for calling someone a fag or a punta. I bet Ozzie will be managing using nothing but Spanish by the All Star break, just so he can say whatever he wants. I'm sure that'll go over well with a guy like Thome. Ese? Did he just call me a term paper?

FOR MORE READING
South Side Sox
White Sox Interactive

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Minnesota Twins

All through March (and early April), Thunder Matt's Saloon will be previewing each Major League team. We'll give you the ins and outs of the upcoming 2009 season, how each team will do, and some other useless crap you'll wish you had never read.

Minnesota Twins

2008 Season: 88 - 75 (2nd Place in AL Central)

SO LONG: SS Adam Everett, P Eddie Guardado, P Dennys Reyes

WELCOME: P Luis Ayala, 3B Joe Crede

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Denard Span RF
2. Alexi Casilla 2B
3. Joe Mauer C
4. Justin Morneau 1B
5. Delmon Young LF
6. Jason Kubel DH
7. Joe Crede 3B
8. Nick Punto SS
9. Carlos Gomez CF

Starting Rotation: Francisco Liriano, Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Glen Perkins, Nick Blackburn
Setup: Jesse Crain
Closer: Joe Nathan

It's now or never for The Twins. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but this is their last year in The Metrodome, and this lineup and team are certainly built for playing there. The speedy, slap hitters wouldn't cut the mustard many other places or under other coaches. It isn't sexy, but Ron Gardenhire has them contending year after year, against all odds.

They certainly face a lot of "ifs" this year. They can contend in the AL Central if Francisco Liriano can become what he was before his injury. Their offense can get a boost if Joe Crede can stay healthy and if Delmon Young can find his power stroke. The Twins should be able to manufacture runs with their speed, if Denard Span and Carlos Gomez can get on base. Joe Nathan will save damn near every game if they have a late game lead. And if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.

Who knows with the AL Central? The White Sox will almost certainly regress this year, the Tigers still have no pitching, you figure the Indians won't underachieve like last year, and maybe the Royals won't be terrible...hey, this league is for the taking. I could see 86 or 87 wins getting you the central crown. Tampa Bay Light, anyone? It will all boil down to pitching, and barring some career years in the back end of the rotation, I see the Twins coming up just shy of the Central crown once again.

PREASEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Does anyone remember that Justin Morneau won an AL MVP in 2006 and finished second in 2008? Such is life for a Minnesota Twin. Doubly so since he's a Canadian, though theoretically that stance should have softened since NAFTA. You can pencil, no, strike that, you can permanent marker in .300/30/100 for this guy. He's the highest paid Twin ever and the only one to win the Home Run Derby. Booyakasha!

Soon-to-be-Seen In Traction Award: Even though he's getting pushed by nice guy and former QC River Bandit, Joe Mauer, this one goes to Joe Crede. For the past four years Crede's back has been creaky and subject giving out, driving his team and fantasy managers crazy. Rob Dibble and Dan Patrick said Salonpas works.

Rudy Gay Bad Name Award: Kevin Slowey. Really? A pitcher named Slowey? That's like a male porn star being named Ty Neekoch. (Reach)

For More Reading
Twins Geek
Twinkie Town
Field & Stream

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Cincinnati Reds

CINCINNATI REDLEGS

SO LONG: P Jeremy Affeldt, C Paul Bako, P Matt Belisle, P Josh Fogg, OF Ryan Freel, 2B Jeff Keppinger, P Gary Majewski, P Kent Mercker (deceased, or maybe just retired), OF Corey Patterson, C Javier Valentin

WELCOME: OF Jonny Gomes, C Ramon Hernandez, OF Jacque Jones, P Mike Lincoln, P Arthur Rhodes, OF Willy Taveras, OF Daryle Ward

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Chris Dickerson LF
3. Jay Bruce RF
4. Brandon Phillips 2B
5. Joey Votto 1B
6. Edwin Encarnacion 3B
7. Ramon Hernandez C
8. Alex Gonzalez SS

Starting Rotation: Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Edinson Volquez, Johnny Cueto, Micah Owings, Homer Bailey
Setup: Bill Bray, Arthur Rhodes, David Weathers
Closer: Francisco Cordero

Oh the Reds. Last year they finished 5th. This year, who knows? They've certainly got some promising talent and the NL Central is a giant pile of shit this season so they could place second for all I know. On the other hand they have Dusty Baker, who is perfectly capable of driving any fanbase to rampant alcoholism.

I do have a contractual obligation with the Saloon to say "Joe Morgan is an ass." Other than that I don't have anything else to bring to the table here.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Jay Bruce - This firsty firsty is going to be a stud in no time. What do you mean I need to write more than one sentence about him?

I got your ROY right here!: Losing out to Geovany Soto last year in the NL ROY race, 1B Joey Votto seems primed to have an even bigger season in 2009. At the very least, his presence in the starting lineup will allow dumb white guys to shout "Ayyy Votto!" in a terrible Mexican accent.

The last time Cincy had a winning season they had this guy: Norm Charlton - This was also Griffey's first season with the Reds and the last season he ever had 100 RBI. They also had Dante Bichette. Remember when Dante Bichette started for them? Neither do I.

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TMS MLB Preview 2009: The Kansas City Royals

'Scuse me, waiter? You got some crazy in my baseball

The AL Central's worst team will still be that by season's end, and yet, with a subtle move here and there, they've cemented a place in my heart with their slavish adherence to crazy.

I'm not sure if it's hormones in the barbecue there, or the complete dearth of excitement, but KC loves it some crazy. From George Brett's ref-spittling mania to the cuckoo joy of Jose Lima (and his giant-titted wife!), KC has become a little Midwestern haven for baseball's lunatics.

This year, in addition to the existing skittishness of Zach Greinke, one of MLB's few to land on the DL for psychological issues (does John Rocker count?), they have Coco Crisp, Sidney "Drunk Punch" Ponson, and Kyle "Fuckin'" Farnsworth, a guy as loud and angry as he is terrible on the mound. Seeing him try to bridge the 8th inning successfully for his closer, the Mexicutioner, will be hilarious, considering it's not an honor he'll enjoy very often.

Jose Guillen: don't ever try to separate him from his baseballings

I mean, this team isn't very impressive, although if a few streaky players hit a hot patch at the same time, they could do some damage (and by "damage" I mean "steal a series or two during interleague play"). DeJesus is a decent hitter, as is Guillen right behind him, and the biggest intangible could be the late-order duo of Gordon and Butler.

Mike Jacobs will have another typical Mike Jacobs season, hitting plenty of HRs with a shitty average, and of course, their complete failure to build a rotation around big-money SP Gil Meche (note: never worth the money they paid for him) will prove their bigger doom. That rotation rivals Baltimore in terms of its Special Olympics-like qualities.

There is one upside to KC, thankfully: at least the ribs at Arthur Bryant's are fucking incredible.

LET'S GIVE OUT SOME AWARDS, SHALL WE?

Mr. Sexy Times Two: Alex Gordon and Billy Butler.
In fantasy baseball, you look for guys like this and hang on tight, confident that eventually, the rookies will climb to the statistical heavens like all their projections said they would. After reasonable seasons last year, I expect 'em to shed the yoke of mediocrity and become the studs that they are. I mean, c'mon Billy, you're a fucking DH. What else can do you for us?

Why, God, Why?: Coco Crisp
I realize that KC is a small-market team, but fuck, trading for the decrepit 30-somethings of the league won't help you pull a Tampa Bay and suddenly ascend to greatness. After all, you're doing it backward; the Rays won by trading old fucks for youth, while you're tossing out all the minor leaguers you own in order to cling desperately to deadwood. He did have a decent year in '08 (like most guys reaching the end of a contract), but even so... the vast expanse of Kauffman Stadium won't do him many favors.

The Ulysses Award for Player that's Wasted on a Team Like This: Joakim Soria.
The Mexicutioner is a beast on the rubber; it's just a shame we rarely get to see him pitch when it counts. As a closer he has a bright future, but it involves him being able to get out of Kansas City first.