A Grown Man Attempts to Review NES Games, part 1

The Exquisite Horror of 8 Eyes

Okay, the premise is simple: I have several hundred NES roms that I have downloaded; I have never/rarely played most of them. I am currently 32 years old and need to face my nostalgia for the old NES days fairly (rejected title: “Overrated: Retro Gaming”). To wit, what sort of first impression do I get from any given NES game from “Back in the Day^TM?”

I will be rating this on a Points Scale of my own devising that makes absolutely no sense. Also, I will be doing no research on the game – I don’t want my viewpoint colored by learning anything other than what I see on the screen.

The game in question is 8 Eyes. I’ve never played this game, nor even heard of it before last week. It comes from the Golden Age of the NES, circa 1988-89.

Graphics: The graphics on this game were about par for the course for that era. The first level looks a little busy, but maybe the designer was going for an “Arabesque” feel. Points detracted for kinda ripping off the look of Castlevania, but added back in because, dude, if you’re gonna rip off a game, there are worse ones. Although, I’m not 100% sure if your character is supposed to be an albino, or coloring was deemed “too expensive.” (3/5)


Sound: The music, or what I heard before turning the sound down in annoyance, sounded like a shitty demo harpsichord played by your best friend’s kid sister who later dreamed of joining Dead Can Dance. Given the unabashed radness of sound design on games like the Mega Man, Castlevania, and Ninja Gaiden series, that is unacceptable. (1/5)


Gameplay: This game plays like a not very fun Castlevania ripoff, which I can only assume it is. And that means you have the same lame gravity and jumping physics that marred that series. Otherwise, you run around and stab culturally sensitive A-rabs and Skeletons and birds (and apparently Jawas). Add to it the total tease of board that looks like you’re given the choice to select worlds a la Megaman, while not really being given a choice, and this game can go to hell. Oh, and like all games made between 1987-1991, it’s ridiculously, unrewardingly hard and there is no password function (2/5)


Level of Adult Confusion: Very, very high. Maybe the instruction book would explain the premise of this game (I somehow doubt it), but apparently you are an Albino Knife Guy with a Pet Bird that May or May not be Helping You When You Fight. You are clearly traveling the world to accomplish something. Or find someone. Or just because you like stabbing things. The first level consists largely of stabbing things and opening doors. Which you open by stabbing the switches which are…um…well


More than a little phallic. Thank God once you stab them they look…


Oh.

Nevermind.

Oh, and speaking of God, this game is apparently religious or something. When you stab the not at all racist Turbaned Arab Guys, they turn into crosses, as do all the other villains – except for the Jawas. Apparently, they drop throwing weapons. These include (as far as I’ve gotten) ANOTHER KNIFE (so you can stab people from far away) and a ball that rolls around and seemed to do little or no actual damage.

Wait a minute…albino hero…crosses…is this game made by Opus Dei? Do I have to fight a giant Tom Hanks head that shoots Audrey Tatous at me? If not, why not?

Maybe this would be cleared up if I could make it to the end of a level, but I somehow doubt it. (5/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent My Own Money On This: Pretty damn high, I’m guessing. Games weren’t cheap back then, and I didn’t have a job. If I had spent between 25 and 40 bucks on this swillpile because the store was out of Mega Man 2 (and not buying a new game was not an option), I would have been beside myself with fury. Oh, I would have played it for hours, because it’s not like I had a life, but I wouldn’t have been pleased. Oh, no. (5/5)

Time Spent Playing as an Adult Before Quitting In Annoyance: Not including making screen caps? 3 minutes, tops. To put this into perspective, I spent at least 2 minutes just fantasizing about miniature Amelie's raining on me when composing this.

Composite Grade: D-

Honestly, even Castlevania 2 was more fun than this pile o’crap. Of course, if you like crypto-religious games about albinos that like to stab doorwangs, by all means download this. If you ever see me replaying it, then I am punishing myself for my sins and couldn’t find my flail.

Clive Davis, Exit Stage Left of My Life

Can we please have one music awards show, particularly the Grammys, without having this pompous old man take up valuable screen time? Seriously, why is everybody always sucking this guy's dick? I don't care if he discovered a pre-crack whore Whitney Houston or Earth Wind and Motherfucking Fire. He is old and he should be put down.

Enough is enough. Did he discover music? I should think not. This fawning and dick-sucking must cease immediately. Pomp Culture is calling for an immediate ban on any further Clive Davis tributes, lifetime achievement awards or even simple 'thank yous'. This will not stand.

*The views expressed in the piece above are both irrational and hateful, but represent the views of all of America (outside of the recording industry).



L-R: Clive Davis, Bono, Hannah Montanta

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Second Base Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

SECOND BASE
Chone Figgins just barely qualifies at 2B under Yahoo's rules, so I have added him here.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Ian Kinsler, TEX
2.	Dustin Pedroia, BOS
3.	Chase Utley, PHI
4.	Brandon Phillips, CIN
5.	Brian Roberts, BAL
6.	Alexei Ramirez, CHW
7.	Dan Uggla, FLA
8.	Robinson Cano, NYY
9.	Chone Figgins, ANA
10.	Jose Lopez, SEA
11.	Kelly Johnson, ATL
12.	Howie Kendrick, ANA
13.	Placido Polanco, DET
14.	Mark DeRosa, CLE
15.	Rickie Weeks, MIL
16.	Mike Aviles, KC
17.	Freddy Sanchez, PIT
18.	Orlando Hudson, FA
19.	Felipe Lopez, ARI
20.	Akinori Iwamura, TB
21.	Kazuo Matsui, HOU
22.	Aaron Hill, TOR
23.	Mark Ellis, OAK
24.	Alexi Casilla, MIN
25.	Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE
26.	Clint Barmes, COL
27.	Luis Castillo, NYM
28.	Ian Stewart, COL
29.	Maicer Izturis, ANA
30.	Blake DeWitt, LAD

Just missed the list: Mike Fontenot CHC, Emmanuel Burriss SF, Ronnie Belliard WAS

Cook This!

Honey Tarragon Carrots

This sweet, delicious recipe can serve as a side dish or a meal itself. It's so easy a bachelor can do it.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound baby carrots (they're in a bag! totally easy!)
• 1 cup water (the landlord pays for the water!)
• 2 tablespoons honey (honey moves slowly)
• 1 teaspoon tarragon, dried (no one really knows what tarragon is. little known fact: a good grocery store will alphabetize the spices).
• 1/4 teaspoon salt (negotiable)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper (equally negotiable).

Gameplan:

• In a medium pan, simmer the carrots in the water, covered, for 10 minutes.
• When that's done, add the rest of the ingredients (spread the honey out a bit if possible).
• Then turn the flame to high and cook until the liquid is gone.

Word to the wise: Keep moving the carrots so they don't end up black on one side.

(Please note that yours will not look as good as the ones in this picture)

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: First Base Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

FIRST BASE
* denotes player technically only qualifies as a DH, but having a separate DH ranking is worthless so I include them in the first base rankings since that is what they typically played in the field.

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Albert Pujols, STL
2.	Miguel Cabrera, DET
3.	Mark Teixeira, NYY
4.	Ryan Howard, PHI
5.	Lance Berkman, HOU
6.	Prince Fielder, MIL
7.	Justin Morneau, MIN
8.	David Ortiz, BOS*
9.	Kevin Youkilis, BOS
10.	Adrian Gonzalez, SD
11.	Derrek Lee, CHC
12.	Adam Dunn, FA
13.	Garrett Atkins, COL
14.	Chris Davis, TEX
15.	Joey Votto, CIN
16.	Carlos Pena, TB
17.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
18.	Carlos Delgado, NYM
19.	Conor Jackson, ARI
20.	James Loney, LAD
21.	Victor Martinez, CLE
22.	Jim Thome, CHW*
23.	Carlos Guillen, DET
24.	Adam LaRoche, PIT
25.	Paul Konerko, CHW
26.	Jorge Cantu, FLA
27.	Mike Jacobs, KC
28.	Hank Blalock, TEX
29.	Nick Swisher, NYY
30.	Travis Hafner, CLE*

Just missed the list: Jason Giambi OAK, Billy Butler KC, Pablo Sandoval SF, Casey Blake LAD, Todd Helton COL, Casey Kotchman ATL

Happy Birthday Rick Astley

Rick Astley turns 43 today. Most of you by now know and have grown tired of the phenomenon of "Rickrolling".

But before the Rickroll even came about, Chaim Witz saluted Mr. Astley in his classic "Realm of Red" series on our old site Thunder Matt's Saloon. So in honor of Rick, I bring you this classic post yanked from the TMS Vault.

Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week
Posted by Chaim Witz on July 30, 2006

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Rick Astley

Rick Astley is hardcore. In 1988 this gangly Brit burst onto the stagnant American music scene with the rocker 'Never Gonna Give You Up', which bitchslapped it's way to #1. He then followed that up with another right hook, this one a little ditty called 'Together Forever'. A musical hurricane like this hadn't been experienced since Ole' Blue Eyes. The world had been effectively 'Ast-raped'.

Then the bottom fell out. Quicker than Mel Gibson can say 'I hate Jews', Rick Astley's once promising career swandived into a Brien Taylor-like oblivion. Desperate to revive his flagging career, Rick enlisted a team of crack scientists (Rick thought this meant, 'skilled and first rate', but alas they actually were scientists who abused crack) to help his cause. They decided the best way to preserve his greatness would be to clone him. Unfortunately, the experiment went haywire, with lots of explosions, overflowing beakers and spilled toxic chemicals. The end result was Clay Aiken.

These days, Rick makes the rounds on the British pub circuit, touring with Basia and selling CD's online to my mom and probably the Saloon's own Brant Brown, who likely buys his CD's on account that Rick is British. His voice is still deeper than it has any right to be and even though he claims that he's "happier than he's ever been", deep down he is wretched and resentful.

Rick was last seen at a Liverpool flea market, trying to pawn off boxes of leftover 'I was Ast-raped. Rick Astley World Tour 1988' t-shirts.

Happy Birthday Rick.

Governor X's Kitchen: Tequila Lime Chicken

With boredom beginning to consume my life, I have recently decided to be somewhat productive and learn how to cook. This man here, Chef Gordon Ramsay, is my inspiration. I've grown absolutely addicted to his various shows on BBC America and his cursing is impressive and legendary. He is prone to making some strange dishes like pigeon salad and his love of scallops borders on sexual, so with rare exceptions, I'm not going to be trying his recipes right off the bat. For one, where the hell am I going to buy pigeon meat? Instead I will be focusing on my favorites, and to kick things off I had a go at tequila lime chicken, one of the finest dishes to be found on a Mexican menu.

I began the process by reviewing a variety of recipes online and taking bits from one or the other, based on my own tastes and what is available in the kitchen, to come up with a coherent plan. So after getting some chicken breasts and lime at the store, I was ready to start cooking. I was pretty excited, even if you aren't while reading this.

No one ever really tells you the nuts and bolts of cooking. How do you mix all this shit together? I remembered I had a food processor, which has literally never been used in the 8 years or so that I've owned it, so I opted to toss all of the following ingredients in there and hack it into a chunky salsa like liquid:

1/4 cup tequila
1 lime (interior only – no peel)
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 dash Mexican seasoning

I used 1800 Reserva Reposado because the bottle was full, but I doubt it matters much. Every recipe I saw called for lime juice, but I opted to use the entire lime. This made enough for about three chicken breasts. After marinading the chicken for a couple hours, I tossed them on the grill. To have with the chicken, I made some grilled squash using this Food Network recipe.

The chicken and squash turned out perfectly. Using the food processor and a real lime was a great decision because it gave the taste on the chicken a bit of texture. I'd never grilled squash either, but I can see it becoming a staple. This dinner was positively delicious. For my first hack, I'm exceedingly pleased with the results. So far, this is my signature dish. It is my only dish too I realize. Whatever. As Gordon would say, now fuck off...

I need to work on presentation, but the taste was superb.

Everything That's Wrong With America

A 67 year-old "occasional" golfer from Manchester, N.H. lost his eye when his shot ricocheted off a yardage marker and hit him in the head. He claims:

...the course did not warn him about the markers. He says they were too rigid to be safe for the course and improperly placed in the middle of the fairway.

Jesus Christ. This might actually eclipse the woman suing McDonald's for her coffee being too hot as the most frivolous lawsuit I've ever heard of. We need labels on hemorrhoid medication so that no one eats it, instructions for hats, and now soft yardage markers so that they don't bounce balls back into our faces (ed. note: hehe). I get upset when there aren't any markers on the course. Plus, they're usually no higher than a foot or two off the ground, where golf balls tend not to fly. Was he standing directly in front of the marker? The course should file a counter-suit for assault.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Catcher Rankings

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

CATCHERS

RK	PLAYER, TEAM
1.	Brian McCann, ATL
2.	Russell Martin, LAD
3.	Joe Mauer, MIN
4.	Geovany Soto, CHC
5.	Victor Martinez, CLE
6.	Ryan Doumit, PIT
7.	Chris Iannetta, COL
8.	Bengie Molina, SF
9.	Jorge Posada, NYY
10.	Mike Napoli, ANA
11.	Ramon Hernandez, CIN
12.	A.J. Pierzynski, CHW
13.	Matt Wieters, BAL
14.	Pablo Sandoval, SF
15.	Dioner Navarro, TB
16.	Chris Snyder, ARI
17.	Brandon Inge, DET
18.	Kurt Suzuki, OAK
19.	Jeff Clement, SEA
20.	Gerald Laird, DET
21.	Yadier Molina, STL
22.	Kelly Shoppach, CLE
23.	Jarrod Saltalamacchia, TEX
24.	Ivan Rodriguez, FA
25.	Jesus Flores, WAS
26.	John Baker, FLA
27.	Miguel Olivo, KC
28.	Jason Varitek, BOS
29.	Rod Barajas, TOR
30.	Taylor Teagarden, TEX

Just missed the list: Kenji Johjima SEA, J.R. Towles HOU, Jeff Mathis ANA, Jason Kendall MIL

An Open Letter to David Beckham

Dear David,

First and foremost, you are a shadow of the player you once were. Kim Jong Il is bolstered by less mythology. Second, thank you for pilfering the Los Angeles Galaxy. If any good is to come of this, it will be that the MLS recognizes the necessity of greater self-promotion and proactively works to nurture a more polished crop of American players so that we do not have to rely on has-beens and never-weres with controversial haircuts. Third, please take comfort in the fact that we will not miss your gaunt wife, and our economy will rebound just fine without her credit cards.

Really, it wasn't you David. It was me.

Yours,
America

P.S. Enjoy your time lying underneath flopping Italians.

Overrated: Signing Day

I'm no college football expert, but holy shit, national signing day is quite possibly the biggest farce in all of amateur sports. We're talking about high school kids, man! This day only serves as a jerk-off fest for sweater vest-wearing alumni who think that their personal post-graduate financial success gives them a right to dictate personnel moves that competent school athletic directors should be making. A meddling bunch of douchebags if I've ever seen one!

Sure, these football coaches bust their balls to visit and recruit these kids, but again, they're still only four years removed from their first pubes and their driver's licenses are still warm from the lamination. Teenagers that show talent are under a microscope oftentimes while they're still in eighth grade. I'm certainly not the first person to bring any of this up, but hearing about signing day on talk radio all day really lit a fire under my ass.

Here are the top recruits from 2002, 2003, and 2004. Judge for yourself, and the quarterbacks in particular. Pictured here is Kyle Wright, the number one recruit from 2002. Don't worry, I've never heard of him either.

Governor X's Book Report: The Road

After subjecting myself to the horror that was Twilight, I decided my next book was going to be The Road by noted curmudgeon Cormac McCarthy. Being a fan of bleak post-apocalyptic tales of woe and dread, the idea of the book had intrigued me since I first heard of it, but I held off for a long time for a couple reasons.

First, no one I know who has read it liked it. I'm not going to dismiss something simply because my friends are opposed, but when everyone says it's terrible, I take note.

Second, I couldn't find a copy that didn't have Oprah's seal of approval on it. I'm not contributing to that woman in any way. I had to bite the bullet and vote Obama in spite of her support, but that's where it begins and ends. Fuck Oprah.

Finally, and most importantly, Cormac McCarthy has an unpleasant writing style. He can tell one hell of a story (No Country for Old Men, All the Pretty Horses), but for some reason none of his editors ever insisted he use proper punctuation and avoid sentence fragments. I had previously slogged through Blood Meridian and it was brutal.

Now it's available in the movie tie-in edition at Walmart for $6. I can handle that. Instead of Oprah's seal for her bleating army of sheep, it has Viggo Mortensen on the cover. He was Aragorn so its OK. History of Violence was a real disaster though... I would just have to deal with his awkward writing style.

The Road is, in fact, quite good. When you think of it, its truly amazing to tell the story of a father and son wandering through a dead world with no hope searching for food and hiding from the odd human they see and still have it be so completely gripping. I have read comments online from people who said they started to read it but simply couldn't finish it because they grew too depressed. Saying this book is bleak is the understatement of the year and some of the more shocking imagery will stick with you for awhile (no spoilers, but check out pages 110 and 198 if you want a gut punch), but I couldn't imagine stopping once I had started.

I can't imagine the upcoming movie is going to be worth a damn. No one in Hollywood is going to stick with the absolutely hopeless tone of the book and they've already tinkered with it including more flashbacks with The Man's wife. Weak.

So go pick up The Road and please don't hold this blog responsible for the prozac prescription your doctor will be writing when you're done.

Much of The Road was filmed in Pennsylvania without any CGI. Its just that horrible there.

"Choose Your Own Joke" starring Michael Phelps and Rippy the Bong!

Our beloved Michael Phelps was in a bit of hot water this weekend when pictures of him smoking weed out of one of the biggest bongs I've ever seen hit the internet. Michael, what do you have to say for yourself?

(Insert bubbling bong noise and Cyprus Hill playing in the background)

Excellent point, Mr. Phelps.

There are so many jokes that can be made about this situation. In fact, I'll let you choose your own joke! It'll be just like those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books like when you were a kid. What? You never read one of those? Such things were below you as a child? You think you're better than me? I know where you live!

Choose Your Favorite Punchline!

1. Michael Phelps is in danger of being removed from the 2012 Olympic swimming team...and being placed on the 2010 Olympic snowboarding team.

2. No wonder that dude eats 12,000 calories a day!