3OH!3 WTF?

December 10, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

If you ever wondered where music videos went, they’re on in the middle of the night. Having recently reverted back to my nearly nocturnal natural state, I’m now privileged enough to see them again. Occasionally, something comes on and I’m not entirely sure if I like it or not.

This was the case with 3OH!3’s Don’t Trust Me. If you give it a listen, it’s a pretty run of the mill pop song more or less about sex. It reminds me a bit of the Bloodhound Gang, which I’ve been known to enjoy. After hearing it again, I found the tune running through my head. It was official: I like this.

Like any normal person, I looked into their other work. Would it be more of the same? Disposable sex pop? Or would this enjoyable little song be completely unlike anything else they did?

Well, Don’t Trust Me is unlike anything else they do, but I had no idea what I was in store for. As it turns out, 3OH!3 is a crunk band…but they’re white and from Boulder, Colorado and met in physics class.

WTF?

I’m no fuddy duddy. I know what crunk is. Lil Jon wants me to get crunk in this bitch and drink booze out of a jewel encrusted gold goblet. I get it. Its southern hip hop party music. So just what are two white boys from Boulder (and I mean white) doing making crunk?

I’ve been to Boulder. Crunk isn’t what comes to mind. Hiking, pot, and rotting away in a large lecture hall listening to Ward Chruchill come to mind. I suppose you can say something for filling a void. Before 3OH!3, I’m going to guess there was a dearth of crunk in Colorado. How exactly would you find such an obscure void to fill though? Another post for another day…

Back to the music. Unable to stop myself, I picked up their CD Want. Again, I’m absolutely floored, but I like it. It’s catchy, and in spite of the fact that it’s very clearly white boy crunk (the lyrics suggest these kids didn’t exactly struggle for money growing up), it never devolves into being pure novelty. I own it, I like it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand its purpose on this planet.

Albums of the Week

December 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Albums of the Week is a recurring feature at Pomp Culture where we will select three albums for our readers to check out. To listen to any of the Albums of the Week just click on the links provided in the sidebar. Live streams of each album can be played in iTunes, Winamp, or Windows Media Player. There is also a link to purchase music by the artists on Amazon, which I strongly encourage if you find something you like.


Something Old - "Greatest Hits" by Huey Lewis and the News
Released: 2006
Label: Capitol
Genre: Pop

Submitted by: Chaim Witz

Huey Lewis and the News (or HLATN if you're hip) best represent the 1980's phenomenon of relatively older, nondescript singers and bands dominating the pop charts. Think about it. Today's music is ageist. You basically have to be under 30 and sexy to be relevant on the pop charts. Think of all the popular stuff in the 1980's. HLATN, Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Phil Collins, Dire Straits, The Pointer Sisters...Good Lord, I could go on forever. They all could have passed for our parents, yet they were hugely successful.

HLATN was the cream of the crop. Not many bands before or after have used a saxophone to their advantage as much as these guys did. "Power of Love" conjures up images of a young Michael J Fox, with his whole life in front of him and sweet ass Deloreans, which I still argue are the cars of the future. Surprisingly effective music for tailgating. The CD jewel case doubles as a great cocaine plate. I could have picked a studio album, "Sports", but c'mon this is all you really need, even though it inexcusably leaves out their second best song, "Bad is Bad".

Tracks to stay tuned in for: The Heart of Rock N Roll, Power of Love, If This is It


Something New - "Day & Age" by The Killers
Released: 2008
Label: Island
Genre: Alternative

Submitted by: Governor X

The Killers never fail to mix things up and their new release Day & Age is no exception. The electronic rock and quasi-western sound of their previous three CDs is gone, replaced by something that straddles the long forgotten line between pop and disco. It can take a few listens to "get" it, but it's steadily been growing on me. Not growing on me? Brandon Flowers' feathered jacket. Please go back to the Colonel Sanders look.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Spaceman, A Dustland Fairytale, This is Your Life


Something Different - "Us and Them" by London Philharmonic Orchestra
Released: 19925
Label: Philips
Genre: Classical

Submitted by: Brant Brown

I stumbled upon this disc of the London Symphony Orchestra performing a collection of Pink Floyd songs sometime in college. I'm a fairly avid Pink Floyd fan and thought it would be interesting to hear the depth that an orchestra could provide, and if the disc would be able to get across the same emotions without any lyrics. The result held up pretty well, and went into my rotation of late night studying music. Ten years later, I still enjoy breaking it out after lengthy rock and roll spats. As much as I love Dark Side of the Moon, I've grown tired of "Money". The version on this album is much more pleasing.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Breathe, Nobody Home, Money

Like what you hear? Have a suggestion or recommendation? Please feel free to leave a comment or drop us a line at pompculture@gmail.com.

Underrated: Cash

December 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley

I don't understand why cash has become such a bad thing. After dining with some friends a few nights back, they were amazed that I had enough cash on me to cover a $50 meal. I was the one amazed shortly thereafter, when the other three couples divulged that none of them had more than ten dollars on them. Really? What the hell is so bad about cash?

I'm not a total old curmudgeon, I do have a credit card. I know how handy it can be, especially if you're in a position where you have to expense things for your place of employment. With a company credit card, I no longer have to spend time saving receipts or filling out expense reports. Just swipe the card, sign for it, and answer my boss's questions only if they take the time to ask.

An incident that happened at a convenient store last week really got me thinking of how underrated cash is. I stopped in for my standard breakfast of a ninety-nine cent bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a Diet Dr. Pepper. At 7am, the store only had one clerk working, and a long line had quickly formed. The source of the problem turned out to be a guy buying the daily paper with a debit card. Really? You're going to use a debit card for a one dollar purchase? Predictably, the machine wouldn't read his card, and the ever-growing line of patrons grew longer and more impatient with each swipe. I kind of felt bad for the guy initially, until I realized that I was now running late for work. Murmurs of "Jesus Christ" and "what the fuck?" were heard throughout the store. The gal behind the counter was not happy either. Finally, after a few minutes, the card went through, and the line sped by as people paid cash. I couldn't help but thinking how totally OPPOSITE this experience was from the Visa commercial. You know, the one where everything is going along so harmoniously in the cafeteria until someone tried to pay with cash?

Cash is great. You actually see how much money you have. A credit card can be so distant. Yeah, that steak and lobster dinner is $45, but I can just put it on the card. Spending is easier on the credit card. It's no secret. Just look at all of the people who inexplicably go into ungodly depths of credit card debt. I don't even know how you'd go about that. If I have $500 in my savings account, I'm not going to buy a $3,000 guitar. If you're making payments on a credit card, game over, man. If this recession has taught us anything, you shouldn't outspend your means.

Just look at all of the advantages of cash:

- an impromptu game of horseshoes breaks out, and the stakes are $1 per game.
- you head to a bachelor party and inevitably go to a Gentleman's Club. Where are you going to swipe the card? Well, where can you swipe a card that WON'T get you beaten and kicked out?
- a stack of plastic isn't as cool as a pimp roll.
- you've checked into a hotel and you need to tip the bellhop.
- Bribery via credit card = not possible.
- you're watching the Bears play and you bet one dollar that Rasheed Davis will drop at least two passes.
- you're in a crowded bar and you want a beer. Paying in cash allows you to avoid being That Guy who pays for one beer with a credit card.
- if paying in cash is out of style, you're automatically part of the cool counterculture.
- Cash Discounts. You'd be surprised how many places will do it if you ask.

And there you have it. Cash in hand allows you to see better just how much you're spending. $2 here, $6 there, $5 there, on a credit/debit card, it adds up fast, sometimes so fast that it's too late by the time you look at your statement. When cash is gone, it's gone. And one last comment on cash - how uncool would the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase, have been if he didn't have cash? The Million Dollar Man with a single credit card? Boo! Shit, how lame would The Million Dollar Dream finishing move had been if he didn't have cash to shove down unconscious opponent's throats?

The Worst Album Covers Of All Time: All-Crotch Edition

December 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

I'm well aware that the whole "Bad Album Covers" thing has been done before. Googling the phrase comes up with 43 million results. But just because it's been done doesn't mean it's still not funny. And considering the thousands and thousands of albums that came out in the 80's, which is considered by many to be the Golden Age of terrible album covers, there's always a chance that you'll run into some albums that you haven't seen somewhere else before.

Speaking of the 1980's, let's take some inspiration from the decade of decadence. Groins were huge in the 1980's. This is the decade that spawned the term "Cock Rock" as well as bringing us the movie Cocktail. So enjoy this list of crotch-centric terrible album covers that'll get you so excited, you'll have to tell passersby that "It's the pleats..."



Boned - Up At The Crack

Never mind the fact that Boned stole the font for their band name from AC/DC. Let's say you wandered into a record shop in the 1980's and saw this album. Would you be able to resist buying it. What if you saw it in a store in 2005? Seems even more awesome, right? Well despite what the artwork may make you think, this album was released just 3 years ago. There really isn't much to say about this album cover. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this album art only needs the 4 words that were mentioned in some kind of band meeting, a meeting I wish I could have been at: "Guitar For A Cock".

(NOTE: Don't forget to visit Boned's website to download your free MP3's of such timeless classics as "Loaded On Love" and "Ain't No Talkin' With Your Mouth Full".



Pooh-Man (M.C. Pooh) - Funky As I Wanna Be

I'd like to think that Pooh-Man was the first pioneer rapper to decide that one name isn't enough (Say thanks, Puff Daddy). So what exactly is he doing in this album cover? Is he searching for a new name? Did he drop his cell phone in there?

More importantly...is...is that...Shaq?!?



Boxer - Below The Belt

Another album that looks like it should have been released in the 1980's. Sadly, this one was a bit before its time, coming out in 1975. I can only assume that it was inspired by one Ron Burgundy. It's one thing to tell a woman that you're going to punch her in the ovaries, a straight shot right to the baby-maker. It's another to slap a depiction of it on an album cover for the dozens of people that are going to buy it to see.

Two Anchorman references in one day? Looks like my job is done.

Santo Denied Hall.....Again

December 08, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Dear Veterans Committee,

Why do you hate baseball so much?

Sincerely,
The fans

College Football: End-Of-Season Awards

December 08, 2008 | Comments (0) | by ,

The regular college football season came to a close this past weekend...And the BCS selections have been made. But instead of discussing relevant college football issues in this post - like which teams got snubbed and which bowl games have the best match-ups - I'm going to do what I do best (apart from downing whiskey shots): Talk about completely useless crap. So without further ado, I give you my college football end-of-season awards.

The Kanye West "Take This, Haters!" Award: Nick Saban. Say what you want about his loyalty issues, but Saban is a pretty good college football coach (notice how I said "college football." We all saw what happened in Miami). After several years' worth of up-and-down seasons , Saban led the Crimson Tide to their first SEC title game since 1999 and a BCS berth. And this is only his second season as head coach. In short, Saban seems to have the team on a path to consistency. That is, if he doesn't bolt next year for another coaching job...

The "What The Hell Happened To You?" Award: Michigan Wolverines. I know this was supposed to be a rebuilding year, but holy crap! Rich Rodriguez's first season in Ann Arbor resulted in a 3-9 record (the worst season in school history). This broke their streak of 33 consecutive bowl appearances. And just to throw another turd in Michigan's punchbowl, this year also brought their first loss to a Mid-American Conference team ever. Some people claim that Michigan will improve once RiRod gets players that fit his offensive style...But until then, he's not in the Big House...He's in the Dog House...

Best Quarterback Name: Colt McCoy. Come on, you have to admit, that's a pretty bad ass name. Here's the way I see it: If Colt doesn't make it in the NFL, his name allows him to have 2 choices for a backup career...He can star in Westerns, or he can sell used cars.


The "1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers" Award:
Washington Huskies. They finished 0-12 (the worst football season in school history). They're the only winless Division 1-A team. They're the first 0-12 team in PAC-10 history. Do I need to say anything else?


The "Let Somebody Else Win For A Change" Award: Florida Gators. They won an NCAA championship in 2006...The BCS title in 2007...Another NCAA title in 2007...And now, after a one-year hiatus, they're back in the BCS title game. Come on, Gators! Ohio State had the decency to stop making it to title games...Why can't you? Besides, do we really want this guy to win another national title?


The "Oh Shit! I Actually Have To Play?!" Award: Kevin Craft, UCLA Bruins. After both the first and second-string quarterbacks got injured on THE SAME DAY, UCLA had no choice but to turn to junior college transfer Kevin "don't call me mac and cheese" Craft for the starting job. He gave Bruins fans a glimmer of hope after leading the team to a rousing upset over then-ranked Tennessee in the opening week of play, but after that, he pretty much played like we thought he would: He threw tons of picks, made questionable decisions on the field, and wasn't so hot when it came to moving around in the pocket. As a UCLA alum, Craft's season caused me to utter 7 words that I never thought I'd hear myself say: "I wish Ben Olson would get healthy."

The "You Taught Us To Dream" Award: East Carolina Pirates. After starting off the season 3-0 (with 2 of those wins coming against ranked teams), the Pirates seemed to be on their way to a Cinderella season. But unfortunately, they followed those 3 wins with 3 straight losses, thus ending their BCS hopes. However, they finished with a respectable 9-4 record, won the Conference USA Championship, and will play Kentucky in the Liberty Bowl. So I think it's safe to say that the Pirates did "Arrrrghhhhhh-right" this year.*

*editor's note: I am fully aware that the Pirate joke was completely lame.

Link Bulimia

December 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

Welcome to Link Bulimia, where purging never felt so good. This is your one stop shop for all the stupid, violent, and horrifying links that I stumble across during my weekly laps around the internets. If you happen to find something particularly jarring to where you'll never be able to "un-see" it, please pass it right along to linkbulimia@gmail.com. Enjoy and make sure to wash your hands afterward.

This is real? What happened to simple toys from when I grew up that would just cut you with sharp rusty edges and poison you with lead? (YouTube)

I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before someone takes their iPhone into a sex shop to see if they can get a discount. And that person definitely, probably won't be me. (New York Times)

Roger and Gene talking shit. (YouTube)

Here's Wikipedia's take on unusual deaths. A few of my favorites? The first man killed by a robot. An actor decapitated by a helicopter blade filming The Twilight Zone movie. Man dies after playing Starcraft for 50 straight hours. (Wikipedia)

Nightman doesn't get any creepier than this. "Boy's soul." Say it five times fast. Sounds like "boy's hole" every time. (Night Man)

I don't know, I've heard Mexico is pretty nice this time of year. Except for the green cabs. Don't take the green cabs. (YouTube)

The 10 best beer slogans of all time. And yet somehow this list doesn't include Old Style: A beer you can believe in. (Holy Taco)

What's cooler than cool? ICE COLD! (YouTube)

Planned Parenthood of Indiana is now offering gift certificates. I'm heading to Purdue, my alma mater, this weekend so I hope that doesn't spoil the surprise for my office secret Santa gifts...(PPIN)

I want my energy drink to be able to set fire to an aircraft carrier. (Brawndo)

Sometimes my job gets a little stressful. I think the next time something doesn't go quite like I planned it, I'm just going to go completely apeshit. That seems like the way to go. *may* not be real. (YouTube)

Roger and Gene talking even more shit. (YouTube)

NFL Picks: Week 14

December 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

With their local team in dire need of a boost, this week our NFL picks turn an eye to San Diego, with local legend and broadcasting god Ron Burgundy helping out with this week's picks. Without further ado, let's do this thing.

Oakland at San Diego
A lot of people don't know this, but I'm not really a football fan. Sunday mornings are meant for sleeping in after a wild night in the sack with a few luscious ladies.

Pick: San Diego 31, Oakland 9

Jacksonville at Chicago
Chicago's too cold. And boring. And stupid. Jacksonville is in Florida. Florida is full of old people.

Pick: 0-0 Tie

Minnesota at Detroit
Champ told me that Detroit is worse at football than Barbara Walters is at staying out of my pants. Hey-o!!

Pick: Minnesota 57, Detroit -3

Houston at Green Bay
Why must they play all of these games in places where it's too cold to get any kind of erection going?

Pick: Houston 27, Green Bay 24

Cleveland at Tennessee
While I was digging through the newspaper the other day looking for Family Circus, I saw something about how Tennessee just hired themselves a new coach. His wife is a stone cold fox. Good enough for me.

Pick: Tennessee 38, Cleveland 17

Cincinnati at Indianapolis
Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen: Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Indianapolis 42, Cincinnati 6

Atlanta at New Orleans
This Drew Brees is a real man. A man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man he is. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of him. It's science.

Pick: New Orleans 75, Atlanta 45

Philadelphia at New York Giants
That Donovan McNabb doesn't even know the rules of his own workplace? I'm not even mad. That's amazing. Like Bridget Fonda's behind. I want to be friends with that thing.

Pick: New York 17, Philadelphia 14

Kansas City at Denver
Kansas City doesn't have much of an offensive line. I guess having protection doesn't really concern them. Sounds to me like a wild night with your good buddy Ron Burgundy!

Pick: Denver 37, Kansas City 28

Miami at Buffalo
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on Bill Parcells.

Pick: Miami 21, Buffalo 17

New York Jets at San Francisco
San Francisco? What do they have that good old San Diego doesn't? That Mike Singletary though...he could rip the arms off a live bear and beat the bear to death with them.

Pick: New York 31, San Francisco 22

New England at Seattle
What do I love? I love...poetry. And a nice glass of scotch. And, of course, watching Bill Belechick lose games. Not going to happen this week though. Seattle...now there's a team the pooped the fridge this season.

Pick: New England 35, Seattle 0

St. Louis at Arizona
Kurt Warner has to face his old team, with many of them still close friends of his. That stadium in Phoenix that I can't be bothered with looking up the name of will sure be a glass case of emotion for this one.

Pick: Arizona 41, St. Louis 14

Dallas at Pittsburgh
Jerry Jones and I used to go chasing tail back in his glory days. My glory days? Still going, brother.

Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17

Washington at Baltimore
Tony Romo is a whale's vagina. That's all I have to say about him. Good day!

Pick: Baltimore 14, Washington 10

Tampa Bay at Carolina
I don't care about this game. To be honest with you, I'll probably be fornicating. How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Pick: Carolina 20, Tampa Bay 19

Albums of the Week: GnR Edition

December 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Albums of the Week is a recurring feature at Pomp Culture where we will select three albums for our readers to check out. To listen to any of the Albums of the Week just click on the links provided in the sidebar. Live streams of each album can be played in iTunes, Winamp, or Windows Media Player. There is also a link to purchase music by the artists on Amazon, which I strongly encourage if you find something you like.

This week is a special edition of AOTW. In honor of the long overdue release of Chinese Democracy we're having a special Guns N' Roses Week.

Something Old - "Use Your Illusion II" by Guns N' Roses
Released: 1991
Label: Geffen
Genre: Hard Rock

Submitted by: Governor X

If you can believe it, the epic Use Your Illusion I and II were the last studio albums released by Guns N Roses before Chinese Democracy. Use Your Illusion II is the harder cock punching rock of the two and represents the band at their best. You Could Be Mine is easily my favorite G N R song and features everything a man could want in hard rock. Another classic, Estranged clocks in at over nine minutes, making it one of the better buys at the jukebox, and inspired a video where Axl, wearing a Charlie Manson t-shirt, jumps off an oil tanker to swim with the dolphins. Hard rock never again came close to this level of awesomeness and excess.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Civil War, Estranged, You Could Be Mine


Something New - "Chinese Democracy" by Guns N' Roses
Released: 2008
Label: Geffen
Genre: Hard Rock

Submitted by: Daft Funk

Last month brought us America's first black president and Chinese Democracy. What can we expect for December, a YouTube video of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy making out? Although no album will ever be good enough to justify more than a decade of waiting, this is still the kind of balls-to-the-wall rock you'd expect from a band named Guns 'N Roses, even if it's not really them anymore. Stop wishing for the same style of Use Your Illusion and accept the fact that this is a solid record by a new band that just happens to share the name of one of the greatest rock bands ever and you'll be fine.

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Chinese Democracy, Better, Scraped


Something Different - "Izzy Stradlin & the Ju Ju Hounds" by Izzy Stradlin
Released: 1992
Label: Geffen
Genre: Rock

Submitted by: The Hundley

Riding high from his work in GnR, Izzy went off on his own, clean and sober. It's almost as if he was told in rehab to "go make a record that sounds like the Stones". Is that high praise or an insult? Depends on how you look at it. What Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds is is a great record of straight ahead rocking songs. No frills, no over-productions, just a rockin' drum beat, driving guitars, some roadhouse piano, and raspy vocals. Throw in some homages to reggae and punk, and you actually have a pretty diverse record. Worth noting that the lead guitarist is Rick Richards of Georgia Satellite fame, who lends some nice slide work and some tasty, Southern licks. Good driving music and a good one to pass a spliff around to, as is reinforced by a ten second bong rip sound effect in "Train Tracks". Clean and sober, huh, Izzy?

Tracks to stay tuned in for: Shuffle It All, Cuttin' The Rug, Somebody Knockin'

Like what you hear? Have a suggestion or recommendation? Please feel free to leave a comment or drop us a line at pompculture@gmail.com.

It's OK to Like The NBA

December 02, 2008 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley

The NBA is not a bad word. Really. It's OK, you can like it. Somewhere along the way you got the idea that you were supposed to hate the NBA and professional basketball players. They're too rich, too arrogant, too selfish, too black, too European. They don't play defense anymore, all they do is dunk, and they're more concerned about their image and bank account than the team and its record. Nevermind the fact that you could make these claims about the MLB and NFL. No, the NBA doesn't get a free pass. Even though their sport requires the most athletic ability, even though it's played at faster pace, even though they have to hold that pace for a longer time.

Let's be realistic, the NBA has it's share of bad apples, just like the other sports of The Big Three. However, let's think of the negative connotations that they receive. Latrell Spreewell went after his coach, ultimately putting him in a choke hold. Spree went on to claim how his contract offer of over $10M was insulting and that he had a family to feed. Rightfully so, he was vilified by the media and court of public opinion. Likewise, ex-Reds (Cincinnati and Cedar Rapids) closer, Rob Dibble put then coach, Lou Piniella in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground, and it was caught on tape. Later in his career, The Nasty Boy even went on to throw a ball into the stands, hitting a fan. And let's not forget his intentional pegging of Lil' Doug Dascenzo after a bunt down the firstbase line. Dibble now? A beloved (and wealthy) radio personality. The NFL and Ray Lewis. He's still playing - need I say more?

Fear not, people. There are reasons to watch the NBA. It's a league that is full intriguing players. Just give it a chance. Here are five reasons to watch:

1. Chris Paul. You can have your LeBron James, I'll take CP3. He's not the same punk nut-puncher that he was at Wake Forest. He's a throwback to the glory days of the NBA. Well, at least mine, which were the run-and-gun days of the mid-80's. His vision and court presence is actually detectable when you watch him play. Someone who has no idea about basketball could see him play and would be able to say that #3 knows what he's doing. He plays enough defense to keep people honest, but when he has the ball, the game revolves around him. He can shoot the deep ball, he's got a great handle, he's one of the best passers in the game, he's a force when driving to the hoop, he rebounds like he's 6" taller than he is. Basically, he's the total package. Oh yeah, and you Old Schoolers? He plays hard.

2. Kevin Garnett. Speaking of guys who play hard, there's this guy. He's the scrappy, Charlie Hustle that drove you nuts on the court in Junior High. The guy you wanted to tell to take it easy, that it's just a game. That's Garnett, he plays like Rudy did at Notre Dame, only he has superstar talent. A seven footer who can handle the ball, has a better than average outside shot, you'd swear he could jump out of the gym, and the guy is a monster on the defensive end, one capable of changing a game. No one wants to win as much as KG. On a personal note, I absolutely abhor the Celtics, but I couldn't help but be genuinely happy for him when he won the championship. If the worst knock on you is that you sometimes care too much, I think you're doing OK.

3. Derrick Rose. I'll admit, I thought the Bulls should have taken Mike Beasley with the number one pick this year. I could not have been more wrong. This kid (Jesus, he was born in 1988!) is special, no SPECIAL. Hard to believe that he's only 20 years old and only had one year of big time playing (Memphis University) up until now. He's playing like a bigger Steve Nash right now. He's making passes and plays from angles that don't exist. Sure his jump shot is a bit shakey, but it's bound to improve. Teams know that, so the play off of him, and he still beats them to the hoop. His potential is scary. Just watch a Bulls game and you'll gush about him. He's not hard to spot, he's the lone bright spot on a team of absolute turds and an overwhelmed coach.

4. Kobe. Yeah, I said Kobe. Keep your rotten produce to yourself. He's the guy you love to hate. And he's the guy you hate to say is the best player in the NBA. Sometimes, the truth hurts. He's become more dangerous now that he understands that he doesn't have to do it all alone. More than anyone else in the league, he's making the players around him better. He's still arguably the best offensive player in the game (him or LeBron), and he is a lockdown, first team All NBA defender. How many guys can you say that about? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, kids.

5. Greg Popovich. He gets respect. Just look at his team. In an era of the NBA where teams can rarely stay at the top for long, Pop has been a mainstay. And he does it his way. Is it the most popular way? No, not at all. Here's a guy who has no problem playing Hack-a-Shaq early in the game. He's a rare breed in the NBA, a coach who can intimidate opposing players. The aforementioned Diesel was so frustrated at being ineffective that he tried to call out Pop's manhood in the media. Pop's reply: no comment. But a look that said, "Make your free throws and it wouldn't happen." In an era where coaches frequently experience very short tenures and inability to keep their team's trust, Pop has been a rock. Helps that his volunteer and charity work worldwide is legendary as well.

Honorable Mention: LeBron James, comically questionable officiating, Deron Williams, Dwyane Wade, Jerry Sloan, Rajon Rondo, Dwight Howard, Tim Duncan, Bradon Roy, Team USA, Tony Parker-Longoria, OJ Mayo, Chris Bosh, horribly biased home team announcing crews.

Pick Up Artist CliffsNotes

December 02, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Sunday night marked the end of the second season of The Pick Up Artist on VH1. It was a rousing competition from start to finish that was ultimately won by this toolbag. His name is Simeon. Put that name with that face and throw in a handful of lispy/affeminate voice, and you've got a recepie for lovin'.

But one thing I noticed over the last 9 Sundays is that you don't need to watch this show to become a pickup artist (or PUA as the kids say). You don't need to attend Mystery's seminars or buy his books. All you need is my patented method below. Just follow the instructions and you'll be skeezing it up in no time!

(Click to enlarge. Like my johnson.)


Overrated/Underrated: Sports Edition

December 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Overrated: The BCS - Wow, I know, big shocker. It seems easy to pile on the ridiculous bureaucracy the BCS has become. The system is an absolute joke. No matter what the outcome, somebody is going to cry "foul" and bitch that they got the shaft. Hell ragging on the BCS could be deemed overrated at this point. Everyone knows a playoff system is the only way to legitimize the national title at college football's highest level, and yet it seems like we're stuck in this horribly flawed, archaic system for the unforeseeable future.

Underrated: The FCS Playoffs - Amazing! A 16 team playoff involving all the conference champions* along with some at-large bid teams? That's crazy how that works huh? Amidst all the overhyped drama of the rivalry games, the I-AA (now called the FCS) playoffs began. I encourage any football fan to tune into these games. Of course I have a rooting interest as a UNI alum, but I have to say the FCS playoffs provide for some highly entertaining football. And if you think the talent is lacking at this level, let me give you a list of NFL players that are I-AA alumni to show you otherwise: Joe Flacco, Tim Hightower, Tyler Thigpen, Laurent Robinson, Vincent Jackson, Tony Romo, Brian Westbrook, Josh McCown, Jared Allen, Robert Mathis, Stephen Cooper, Rashean Mathis, Yeremiah Bell, and Edgerton Hartwell just to name a few. Oh yeah, and I believe a certain Sultan of Stubble hailed from a I-AA school as well.

*Yes, I know not all the I-AA conferences participate in the playoffs.

Overrated: Notre Dame's bowl eligibility - Give me a freakin' break. The Irish finished 6-6. The six teams they defeated are a combined 21-49 on the season, and only one of the six had a winning record. For God's sake ND, join a freakin' conference already! The Big Ten was more than ready to bring you in. Although I'd much rather see the Irish join the Big East and have the Big Ten snipe one of the other schools like Pittsburgh or West Virginia.

Underrated: Boise State's bowl eligibility - You go undefeated yet again, but lose out on the BCS bid to Utah. So instead you're looking at...... the Poinsettia Bowl? Jesus.

Overrated: Arizona Cardinals - I'm surely going to draw the ire of a few members of the Pomp Culture Collective for this one. While they did pull out a win against Dallas ages ago, the Cardinals seem to be more the beneficiaries of an incredibly weak division than they are a potential NFC champion. They'll more than likely make the playoffs, even if it means with a 8-8 or 9-7 record. But with most of their wins coming either at home or against division foes, or sometimes both, I can't see Arizona going any further than the Wild Card round at best.

Underrated: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Let me get this straight. A team with Jeff Garcia at QB and Warrick Dunn at RB is 9-3 and in first place in their division and it's not the year 2000? The Bucs have really flown under the radar this season, but with smart coaching and a solid defense they're now looking like a serious playoff team.

Overrated: Madden Tournaments - Call me old-fashioned but today's games have so many god damn features and options in the game play that you have to push a million different buttons to run one god damn play. Then you get paired up with the asshole that runs the same 3 plays anyway that you can't seem to stop for the life of you. This just seems like a Randall-sized hassle.

Underrated: Tecmo Super Bowl Tournaments - I'll say it. Fuck Madden. Tecmo Super Bowl was the greatest football video game ever created, and playing a tounament with TSB is 100 times more fun than Madden. The games are shorter, the playcalling simpler, and the nostalgia greater. There's no fooling around with defensive formations. You're forever stuck in a 3-4. If you wanna blitz, you guess the opponents play. To me it's much more fun to strategize and guess the other person's play. Of course you can still run into the douchebag that does the diving nose tackle trick on every play, but a simple gentlemen's rule beforehand can stop that. Above all you can get completely smashed while playing and still manage to play alright.

I've been invited to take part in a TSB tourney in two weeks. I'm sure a future post chronicling the events will follow.

Overrated: Quoting the Big Lebowski at the bowling alley - OK, I love that movie as much as the next guy, but there's only so many times you can shout "Over the line!" or "Shomer Shabbas!" or "Don't fuck with the Jesus!" before it becomes not that funny any more and you become the annoying SOB no one wants to bowl with. That's why I say mix it up and try something like....

Underrated: Quoting Kingpin at the bowling alley - Remember this movie? It was the main source for bowling quotes before Big Lebowski came out. Next time you're at the alley with your buds try doing some classic Ernie McCracken lines and put your Walter Sobchak to rest. Bonus points if you ask the barmaid passing by for a "Tanqueray and Tab and keep 'em comin".

I'm A Lousy Californian

December 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by ,

I have lived in California for most of my life - I grew up in the Bay Area, went to college in Los Angeles, and now live in San Diego. However, when it comes to being a "Californian," I really suck. Don't get me wrong...There are some ways in which I am a good Californian - I love Sierra Nevada beer, I wear flip flops 9 months out of the year, and one of my most frequently used words is "gnarly." But in most other qualifications, I come up short. So allow me to list the areas in which I fail as a Californian:

1. I don't surf. I really wish I could surf - it looks like a lot of fun. But I can't. I tried to learn a few years ago - but failed miserably. My last experience with surfing involved me falling off the board so many times, that I came to work the following Monday completely bruised from my shoulders to my ankles. It took weeks for the bruises to fade. The sad part was that all of that damage had come from me simply trying to paddle - I hadn't even gotten to the part where you try to get up on the board. I am pathetic.

2. I hate the beach. This is probably the one I get the most crap for. My friends who don't live here always say things like "I can't believe you don't go to the beach! I bet you'd miss the beach if you lived where it snowed 5 months out of the year!" Look - here's a brief history of me and the beach:
  • 1998: I laid out too long and ended up with second degree burns on my face. It was so bad, my boss at the sandwich shop I worked at in high school sent me home because I was "grossing out" the customers.
  • 2000: I give the beach another try - this time while wearing many layers of sunscreen - and still get badly burned. My ankles swelled up so badly, it looked like I had "cankles" for about 2 weeks. Needless to say, I wore pants during those 2 weeks.
  • 2007: I give the beach one more try - wearing SPF 30 - and end up sunburned on about 70 percent of my body. I could barely walk. I also got sun poisoning the next day and fainted at a shopping center. An elderly lady ran up and started rubbing aloe vera plant on my skin. God bless her, but the whole experience was humiliating.
So now can you see why I hate the beach?

3. I've never auditioned for anything - ever. The only brush I've had with television is when I went ice skating on the day that a new ice rink opened near the town where I grew up. The local news channel was there, and apparently, I skated by as they were doing their story. My friend called me and said "I saw you ice skating on TV." I have no idea why I didn't get a 3-picture deal out of that...

4. I don't call anyone "bro." Nor do I use the variations of bro, which include "broham," "brohamulus," "broseph," or "brah."

5. I don't play hacky sack. According to Wikipedia, this game originated in Oregon, but it seems like everyone in California plays it. And this is another activity that I tried to participate in - but ended up looking like a jackass in the process. For those of you who don't know what hackey sack is, it's basically a game where you (usually) stand in a circle and kick a little ball around. Sounds simple, right? I know...That's why it makes it even more sad that I cannot grasp this game. Every time I try to play, I miss the ball and usually end up kicking either the person next to me or the air around me. People think this is funny at first, but then they grow annoyed with me. I guess that's why no one asks me to play anymore. E-Claire FAIL.

6. I don't do yoga. I tried it once - and almost threw my back out. Besides, what the hell is the appeal of twisting yourself into a pretzel? I also don't do pilates. I'm scared of pilates.

7. I have never started a web-based business. However, I just learned that "buy my cheap crap dot com," is available. So this might change...