A few days back, we received the nifty little graphic to the right and unabashedly took an opportunity to toot our own horn. Yes, all of us bartenders here at Thunder Matt's Saloon are geeked that Paul Sullivan reads our little blog, and wholeheartedly (maybe?) approves of it. We decided to extend an invitation to Mr. Sullivan, to see if he'd like to belly up to the bar and answer a few questions. What follows will most likely shock you. No topics were off limits. It was kind of like ESPN's "The Budweiser Hot Seat", only we're not affiliated with any particular beer, we ask more questions, and we're not employees of ESPN. Shoot, we don't even get paid to bring you hard-hitting interviews like this!
1. Being baseball nuts, we have always wondered if we could perform your job up to professional standards. How hard is it to keep the relationship with the players professional rather than personal? Do you find it hard to criticize a player that you find genuinely nice and sincere?
I don’t know you guys well enough to know if you could do my job because not sure how you’d handle the deadlines and the demands of my bosses, but it’s not exactly brain surgery. I even type with three fingers. The hardest part, as you may realize, is dealing with the players and management and finding a way to be honest and still have them talk to you. You just hope they all realize what your job is and don’t take it personally. It’s much harder to criticize Ryan Dempster than Mark Prior because Dempster is a great guy and Prior is… oh, never mind.
2. Do you have any memorable run-ins with players or coaches (that you can share of course)?
Royce Clayton got in my face with a bat in his hand before Sox hitting coach Gary Ward (Daryle’s dad) pulled him away. We didn’t speak for a year, then ironed it out the next spring and have been on good terms ever since. Frank Thomas and I had some blow-ups, and of course, Terry Bevington and Ed Lynch… I could go on and on, but you’ll have to wait for the book.
3. Were you an athlete growing up? What sports did you play and what teams did you root for in your youth?
I was an athlete as far as playing in my back yard with my friends, but too small to make it to the bigtime. We played every sport. Grew up rooting for Chicago teams and, for some reason, I liked the Boston Red Sox when I was a kid.
4. What sportswriters / news columnists did you read in your formative years? What writers are you currently reading regularly, baseball or otherwise?
Bob Verdi, Jerome Holtzman, Dave Condon, Tim Weigel, who was a great writer at the old Daily News before he became a sportscaster. And Gary Deeb, Mike Downey, and of course, Mike Royko, who later became my boss. Now I read everyone online, but the best sportswriters in America, in my opinion, are Bernie Lincicome, Lee Jenkins of SI, Roger Angell of New Yorker, and Sam Smith, formerly of the Trib.
5. In your opinion, what role has management played in the Cubs legendary futility? Have they (and the fans) concerned themselves too much with the experience of Wrigley rather than the product on the field?
Cubs management is almost completely to blame for Cubs ineptitude, though Hendry is probably the best GM they’ve had in my lifetime. I think the fans are also to blame for falling in love with mediocre players who are huggable.
6. With rumors whirling about, what are your thoughts on the remodeling of Wrigley Field and the chance that the Cubs may play an entire year at US Cellular?
That’s not ever going to happen. Yes, I know I wrote it, and I had to because Crane Kenney said it, but I would bet my house that it will never happen.
7. Who was your favorite past Cubs player to interview? Current?
Terry Mulholland, Kevin Tapani, Rod Beck, Mark Grace… actually, most of the ’98 Cubs. They actually tried to be quotable. Not too many current players try to be quotable because they think if they say something interesting they’ll get in trouble. The good old days are over.
8. You refer to our blog as 'esoteric'. We, perhaps foolishly, took this as a compliment. Please elaborate. Also, have you ever met Tommy Buzanis? He seems to think he knows you.
I do not know Tommy Buzanis*. I’m not sure why I referred to your blog as esoteric. I must have been doing a crossword puzzle that day.
9. We here at the Saloon are obsessed with lunch. What does a typical beatwriter ingest on game day?
Actually, I usually eat the ballpark food, so it differs. Most of it is over-priced crap that I would never eat if I couldn’t put it on my expense account. When the season ends, I eat sensibly and have not had a hot dog since Fenway Park last October during the Red Sox-Cleveland series.
10. What's the best place in Wrigleyville to grab a beer (please don't say The Cubby Bear)? Also, confirm or deny that all sportswriters eat dangerous amounts of steak.
I prefer Justins on Southport. I rarely grab a beer near Wrigley, except perhaps at Bernie’s. Haven’t gone to Cubby Bear in 10 years, and I boycott Murphy’s. I may try the new Harry Caray’s place when I get a chance. I seldom eat steak, unless I’m grilling it myself. Can’t speak for the rest of the hacks.
11. Why does Thunder Matt always get the shaft? And do you think he reads our site?
I don’t think Thunder Matt gets the shaft. He was the odd man out because he can’t play center like Reed Johnson. If the Cubs didn’t have Daryle Ward, he’d be here. He’s a good hitter, but needs to improve defensively. Great guy, one of my favorite Cubs. I’m sure he reads your site, as he should since it’s named for him. I hope he’s traded to a team that will give him a real chance to play, but I agree with Hendry that they shouldn’t just give him away.
*We can only assume this was said for Income Tax purposes or following the Stop Snitchin' Clause in Tommy's self-made Rules of the Sea.
A very special thanks to Paul Sullivan for being gracious enough to take time out to answer our questions. You can check out his work at the Chicago Tribune's Hardball Blog.
The Gist: Game #7
April 07, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Cubs 10, Pirates 8 in 12 hernia inducing innings at beautiful PNC Park.What a game. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was Sam Cassell ugly. But in the end, the Cubs prevail in Pittsburgh's home opener, 10-8, after blowing a early 7-0 lead and benefiting from a mental gaffe by the Pirates in the 9th that allowed the game to go into extra frames.
It's too exhausting and frankly too confusing to recap all the action. Suffice it to say, the Cubs built up a big lead early off an uncharacteristically wild Tom Gorzelanny with some timely hits by (shocker - *sarcasm*) Fukudome and (shocker - *no sarcasm*) Ronny Cedeno. Geovany Soto also had a couple of big ribbies, solidifying his status as the greatest Cubs catcher since Gabby Hartnett.
Unfortunately, our lefty (birth name: Lilly, Theodore) was just as wild as theirs, allowing the Luis Rivas and Chris Gomez-led Buccos right back into the game. Lilly didn't even make it out of the fourth inning, thus doing nothing to discount my pre-season musing that 'Ted Lilly might suck this year'. After the Pirates cut it to 7-5, the Cubs tacked on another run only to allow the Pirates to tie it at 8. Leading the charge was Nate McLouth, the greatest bleach blonde Pirate to suit up since the illustrious Craig 'Thor' Wilson.
Things looked grim, especially after Ryan Doumit led off the ninth with a double. His pinch runner, rookie Brian Bixler was advanced to third on a ground out. After an intentional walk, Jose Bautista somehow takes the initiative to bunt the ball. Not a bad bunt, but apparently no one told Bixler on third. Instead of scoring the winning run, Bixler hesitated before retreating to third and Bautista was tagged out by Lee. Sure, Bixler should have scored, but what is Bautista doing bunting without a signal with only one out, and a rookie on third? Either way, we'll take it. Crisis averted.
Luckily for us the Pirates soon ran out of pitchers and had to throw young Evan Meek to the wolves. Living up to his last name, he proceeded to walk five dudes (including one with the bases loaded) and give up a sac fly for good measure. Cubs go up 10-8 and Marmol comes in to nail it down, as Kerry Wood's beard gets a much needed day off.
This was a game that the Cubs had to win, as blowing a 7-0 lead, exhausting your bullpen and losing in extra frames would have been pretty demoralizing. It wasn't text book, but these are the kind of games that good teams find a way to win.
Of note, Lilly's performance is disconcerting and Carmen Pignatiello was our Evan Meek, walking two guys on 8 pitches. Fukudome (a beast on the basepaths!) continues to impress and by my count, Soriano is only about our 5th best position player. Also, take this to the bank. Reed Johnson will end up with almost double the amount of at bats as Pie at the end of the year. 400-450 AB for the lead singer from Staind and about 250 AB (but lots of pinch running!) for Blueberry Pie.
Tomorrow is an off day. One of those weird 'one game then an off day' things that I'd normally complain about, but after today, it's much needed. To quote Ronny Santo, "Geeeeeeez".
Fernando's Musing From the Taqueria: Week 1
April 07, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.La Semana Una
Wet Fart of the Week: The Detroit Tigers - OH (no!) and 6. Where is this vaunted, record-setting offense? We knew the bullpen would be bad, but the offense was supposed to be able to compensate. The importance of the first week is often overstated, but in this case, go ahead and hit the panic button.
Best Beard: Kerry Wood, Cubs - Some guys look like dumbasses with a beard (see: me, Matt Clement). Kerry Wood's beard is badass. It's got a warrant out for the statutory rape of the Houston Astros. Kerry Wood's beard had 2 saves this week. Kerry Wood had 1.
Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Nate McLouth, Pirates - I've been touting this guy's prowess to anyone who would listen, which was basically no one. He rewards me, and other astute owners with a .429 average, 2 steals, 7 RBI's, 6 runs and 5 doubles. He's Hunter Pence without the hype.
Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Matt Kemp, Dodgers - This was an intriguing and popular pick in fantasy circles this year, but it appears he's drawn the short straw in the 'Juan Pierre Stolen At Bats' sweepstakes, a distinction which was supposed to go to Andre Either. A 2-16 start will do that to you. Pierre hasn't fared much better, going 1-11 and getting caught stealing in his only attempt, thus negating his only useful trait.
Dave Dravecky Knocked the Kool-Aid Out of My Hand with His Good Arm: Rich Harden and Ben Sheets - Both guys make Kerry Wood look like Cal Ripken in comparison, but both also have ceilings higher than the Sistine Chapel.* This week they proved what they can do when healthy. Through two starts, Harden is 1-0 with a 0.82 ERA and 15 K's in 11IP. Sheets was even better. 1-0, 15 IP, 15 K's, only 2 walks and no runs allowed, including a complete game shut out. Harden sure would look good in Cubby blue come the All-Star break.
An Aberration (and Abomination), Like a Lake in the Middle of the Desert: The Orioles and Cardinals: They started the year 4-1 and 5-1, respectively. Don't place that call to Vegas just yet. Both teams would be hard pressed to compete in a youth t-ball league, much less The Show. Look for both teams to spiral out of control, and Tony LaRussa to once again look to the bottle for answers.
Dusty Baker Will Wreck Your Life: Johnny Cueto - He was as good as advertised in his first start, going 7 strong, only giving up one run and fanning 10. But clearly it's only a matter of time before Dusty gets cocky and starts using a 3 man rotation to maximize his starts. He'll also use him as a closer on his days off. He may even have him run the scoreboard between innings. Dusty Baker will wreck his life.
You Can't Take the Devil Out of the Rays: (Devil) Rays - Whatever you want to call them, these kids can play. Too bad they play in the American League East, which is essentially like the NBA Western Conference of the Majors. Put these guys in the West or even the Central and they'd be a good starter or two away from seriously contending.
Rising Sun, And I Ain't Talkin' About the Wesley Snipes/Sean Connery Masterpiece: Kosuke Fukodome and Hiroki Kuroda, Cubs/Dodgers: KFuk, F-Bomb...whatever you want to call him, he's taken the Windy City by storm. Fukodome is the new 1998 model Sosa. He's doing it with his bat, his glove, his arm and his raw, unfiltered sexuality. Meanwhile, over on the left coast, Kuroda is bringing back memories of the short-lived and ill-fated Nomo-mania after pitching 7 innings of 3 hit ball in his debut. Remember when there were only like 2 Japanese players (Ichiro and what, Hideki Irabu?) and they were something of a novelty? It's the Asian Invasion and it's just getting started. This is like when the NBA brought in Tony Kukoc as a European experiment and then all of the sudden like half of the teams rosters were filled with white guys with hard to pronounce names.
Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:
Derrek Lee, Cubs: 3 HR, 10H, 6 runs
Xavier Nady, Pirates: 3HR, 9RBI, .385 AVG
Brian Bannister, Royals: 1-0, 7IP, 0R, 4K, 0BB
David Murphy, Rangers: .409 AVG, 5R, 2SB
Jake Peavy, Padres: 2-0, 0.56 ERA, 12K
Howie Kendrick, Angels: 12H, 6R, 2SB
Doug Davis: Pitched while he had cancer
Give These Guys a Tortilla Filled with Cilantro:
Pedro Martinez, Mets: 3.1 IP, 4R, HIV
Adam LaRoche, Pirates: .091 AVG, 0RBI, 10K
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers: .143 AVG, 1RBI, 5 total bases
CC Sabathia, Indians: 2 starts, 0-1, 7.59 ERA, 9K
Johnny Damon, Yankees: .136 AVG, O RBI, 6 total bases
David Ortiz, Red Sox: 3-26, 1 HR, 3RBI
Andruw Jones, Dodgers: .136 AVG, O HR, 1 RBI, fat
*Is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel really high? I just assumed for the sake of the analogy that it is.
The Gist: Game #6
April 06, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown
With the Cubs clubhouse sufficiently stocked with bananas and potassium supplements, Carlos Zambrano prepares to take the mound against the newly ethnic Houston Astros.Soto needed the day off, no problem with that. But Johnson makes his second consecutive start in CF. Is it strategery on Piniella's part, or is he already losing faith in Pie at a Dusty Baker-esque pace?
No-hitter for Zambrano? Nope. A single and a double to start the game.
Berkman and Wigginton are out with injuries, but where is Biggio in the lineup? And for that matter, Bagwell doesn't appear to be playing first base.
Zambrano gets out of the first inning jam with a fantastic throw by Soriano to nail Michael Bourn at the plate. Zambrano is pumped. Who needs caffeine?
I predict Soriano will bust out of his slump today. Mark my words.
Fukudome catches a fly ball with Backe at third base. Backe does not challenge the F-Bomb. The Cubs have perhaps the best corner outfield guns in the league.
Oh yeah, the "Bud Light Real Men of Genius" are in the television booth. They can leave any moment now.
Bottom of the fifth, Soriano slams a hanging curveball into the left field basket. Now if he can string together a few more hits over the next couple days, all will be well.
Tejada just crushed a solo shot off Zambrano. Did we prove yet that Tejada did steroids? I'm pretty sure he's still doing them in the clubhouse today. Or maybe it's just B-12 that he's shooting into his butt.
Derrek Lee with a 397' shot deep into the left-center bleachers. Cubs lead 3-2.
Jose Cruz Jr. is on to pinch hit for the Astros. This guy has been around the block like few other in the majors. Is he the hitting equivalent of Mike Morgan? Possibly. But hey, he gets to spend every day with his dad. Do you think when they're on the road, Jose Jr. and Sr. go out to strip clubs together? Maybe they're religious, and they just go to church together every day. I find that hard to believe though. With Jr.'s relative crappiness and the fact that he's stayed in the big leagues so long, I'd have to say that he's juicing. Religious ballplayers don't juice. Jr. dropped the Lord and picked up the HGH. That does not make Sr. happy.
Kerry Wood and Kerry Wood's beard come on for the save in the ninth. Two groundouts and a strikeout of Tejada later, and it's another Cub victory. Keep rocking the beard Kerry.
Charlton Heston is Dead
April 06, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Can someone go pry the rifle out of his hands now?Chuck Heston was 84. 4 points have been awarded to The Hundley.
The Fantasy Death League standings now look like this.
1. Governor Gray Davis - 25
2. Daft Funk - 10
3. Dave Thomas - 8
4. Tommy Buzanis - 6
5. Chip Wesley - 5
6. The Hundley- 4
7. Brant Brown - 0
8. Chaim Witz - 0
The Gist
April 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Break out the Busch heavy, put on your camo tees and crank up the Toby Keith, the Astros are in town!Currently my most-loathed team in the NL Central, Houston kicked off the series with a 4-3 win over the Cubs. Chris Sampson continued to baffle the Cub bats until the seventh inning when Ramirez and the F-Bomb finally scored on a single from Soto. Unfortunately a couple errors and goofy bounces in the eighth cost us and Houston was able to pull ahead 4-2. Workingman hero Mark DeRosa tried to rally the team in the ninth with a solo homer off Jose Valverde, but it wasn't enough.
Now, here come the bullet points.
- Honestly, Rich Hill didn't pitch bad at all. Take away the 2-out homer by J.R. Towles and he was pretty sharp. Unfortunately Hill seems to still be plagued with Kerry Wood Syndrome*
- The F-Bomb has been brilliant at the plate thus far. Through 4 games he's batting .500. DeRosa's .333 is second followed by Lee and The Riot's .222 average.
- Reed Johnson is batting 1.000. Quit while you're ahead man.
- Michael Bourn in the field. Holy Shit! That guy is like a giant net in centerfield.
- Speaking of Michael Bourn, it's good to see Cecil Cooper and the Astros bringing some color to the team. The amount of country music and camouflage clothing has decreased slightly this season.
- In case you forgot, Kaz Matsui is out with anal fissures.
- Good news, we're facing Roy Oswalt today, who the Cubs have generally hit well against. Bad news, the Astros are facing Jason Marquis, who EVERYONE generally hits well against.
Damn you Houston for waiving Woody Williams, thus denying us the ugliest ginger battery in baseball of Woody and J.R. Towles.
- If you read this far, I can assume you really enjoy baseball. Why else would you endure my retarded third grade writing? If so, go check out our spinoff site Steve Finley Was Here. You can read some more baseball talk that's of greater quality, and by greater quality I mean slightly less retarded fifth grade writing.
*Kerry Wood Syndrome infects at least one Cubs starter each season. Despite pitching well on a regular basis, the infected pitcher constantly lacks any run support from his offense.
Doctor Octagon
April 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley
Now that the baseball season is officially underway, the logical step for us is to have an interview with an athlete. What is the ball player's name, you wonder? Well, he's not exactly a baseball player, though he may have played some Little League ball. No, today's interview deals with an MMA fighter - that's mixed martial arts for any newbies out there. Bob Williams, who trains at the world renowned Miletich Fighting Systems is here to answer some questions and maybe debunk the myth of the mono-syllabic, kill-at-all costs fighter. Bob was gracious enough to sit down with us and explain to us what this MMA world is all about. Strap on some 4oz gloves, grab a Xyience Energy Drink and enjoy.
Can you list your vitals?
I am 5'6, 155 lbs currently 3-1 and fight in the Featherweight Division (145 pounds).
Those who've known you for some time say it was weird to think of you as a fighter. How did you get involved in MMA? What did your family and friends think of your decision?
There were a couple reasons I got into MMA. The first was actually just a fun way to stay in shape and to do it as a hobby. The other reason was that I was taking care of my elderly grandpa full time for about 3 years, and he was a former professional boxer, so I like to think of it as a tribute to him. My family didn't really have a reaction at first, probably from not knowing much about the sport. After a little while they just thought I was plain crazy to do it when i would walk around with bruises, cuts and black eyes. Now everybody is really supportive though, except for a grandma who thinks its too dangerous.
What is your response to people who say that the sport is 'barbaric' and appeals to 'meatheads'?
I think that most people who think that MMA is barbaric aren't aware of the rules and have never really watched it. If the only thing you've seen is a highlight video of the best knockouts, then you will think that it is a lot more barbaric than it really is. The same thing goes for football too, if you watch a video of the worst injuries and hardest hits you would think that the NFL is barbaric. People feel that sports such as MMA and boxing are barbaric because they don't understand the science and skill involved in them. They also aren't aware of all of the rules in place to protect fighters such as no kicks or knees to the head of a downed opponent, small joint manipulations, eye gouges, etc. As far as it appealing to meatheads....it does, but it appeals to a lot of other people too. I've met people from all walks of life who are interested and entertained by it. Men, women, doctors, athletes, blue collar workers, and everything in between.
Did you have any sort of fighting or wrestling experience growing up?
I did karate and kickboxing as a kid and always liked it. I always enjoyed the contact from sparring.
You're currently training at the legendary Miletich Fighting Systems in Bettendorf. Obviously there are world class fighters like Tim Sylvia, Jens Pulver, and Spencer Fisher in there 7 days a week. How hard is it to start your MMA career in an environment like that?
For me it was the perfect start, but that's because I went in wanting to learn from people who have been doing it for years. So many people come and go from there that come in wanting to impress people. It's a matter of earning respect. All of the people you mentioned have been extremely helpful the entire time. I train with Spencer on a daily basis which has helped me make huge strides all around. For the most part everybody are nice guys who enjoy helping fighters who are trying to get better. They want people to represent the gym just as they do and want everybody to do well. Even though it isn't a team sport such as football, it's very much a team environment. I want everybody there to win as much as I want myself to win, and vice versa. They're all really great and genuine guys who are very supportive of the people who put in the work that's necessary to get where they are.
Can you take us through a typical day?
My typical day consists of waking up at 7, eating something light and heading to the gym. I will lift weights for an hour to an hour and half, run on the treadmill or outside for 30-45 min, and work MMA technique for an hour after that. That hour of technique could be anything from hitting pads, focus mitts or the heavy bag to ground and pound drills to jiu-jitsu. I usually get out of the gym between 11 and noon and have a protein shake and eat a high carb and protein meal when I get home. I'll relax, take the dog for a walk, and maybe watch a movie until I eat again, then usually take a nap for an hour, and then head back to the gym. Monday, Wed and Friday nights are sparring and Tuesday/Thursday are jiu-jitsu nights for 2 hours.
Many of us have seen the reality show, The Ultimate Fighter, on Spike TV and have seen how the guys train. Is that pretty realistic of life as a fighter (with respect to the training)?
Yeah the workouts are realistic on the show. I think I've done everything that I've seen on there at least once. It's not realistic in the way of the life of a fighter by taking away outside contact, TV and the internet, but then again, it is a reality show, and those just aren't 100% real.
How important is nutrition?
Nutrition is huge, one of the biggest aspects of the sport. Staying hydrated, repairing the muscles, and keeping energy levels up are the goals. We have to eat enough food to sustain energy through the rigorous hours of training, but not too much to get our weight off. Personally I walk around between 155-160 pounds, but cut down to 145 for a weigh in. By the time I fight I weigh close to 155 again. Eating clean and not drinking alcohol are very important. I won't drink any alcohol a month away from a fight.
As a guy who's never been in a fight, what does it feel like getting punched and kicked? Does it affect your level of concentration during a fight?
It depends on how hard you get hit and where you get hit. They say there are two reactions to getting hit: backing up or hitting back. The thing about getting hit is that it's not as much about how hard you get hit as it is about where you get hit. A light kick or punch to the liver is 5 times as painful as a hard strike that misses the liver by an inch. Same thing with getting kicked right above the knee or in the hamstring compared to the thigh. That's why being technical and accurate is so important. Also, the kick or punch that you don't see coming hurts the most and is usually why people get knocked out or dropped. As long as you have your chin tucked and see the punch coming it doesn't hurt as bad as you would think. Part of the reason for that is your body gets conditioned to it. Blocking leg kicks with your own shin used to be torture, but now its a natural reaction and doesn't bother me. A lot of that is because conditioning kills the nerve endings there.
How do you prepare for a fight? Do you typically know anything about your opponent? Do you and your coaches develop a 'game plan'?
My corner men and trainers will develop a game plan for every fight, but you never know what will happen in a given night. We train for the fight in all aspects off MMA so that we're always prepared for standing or fighting on the ground. Training partners will mimic the style and what you know about the guy you're fighting so you have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. If your fighting a strong wrestler then you will train with a wrestler. There are so many great training partners at the gym that push you and make you better everyday. Another important thing is having a good corner because they see things that you don't in the cage. In every fight I've had my corner walk me through it, with simple commands and adjustments to make during the fight. They are the ones who see if someone is dropping their hands or if a submission is there that you don't see. I always have great coaches, training partners and corner men.
What is your ultimate goal in MMA fighting?
I got into this as a hobby and its turned into a career. My goals are to travel and fight in places that I never would have visited otherwise - Japan, Thailand, Brazil,and Europe. I want to be able to make a good living and get into training other people when I get older. My other goal is to hold the featherweight or bantamweight for a major organization like the WEC or Shooto. Sadly, the UFC doesn't have 145 or 135 pound division yet. Fighting in the UFC would be a huge goal but I am too small to fight at the 155 pound weight class.
Fashion question: board shorts on the Speedo-ish shorts?
I have considered wearing the Speedos but just don't have the penage to pull it off. So far only board shorts but I may rock the Speedo one of these fights.
Last question, what advice would you give someone who's thinking about getting into MMA?
I do think a lot of people fight too soon when they get involved in MMA, which isn't a good idea. It's just like anything else, the more you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Don't get discouraged and keep going. Leave your ego at home and just do it. Everybody gets beat, you just can't let it get to you. You have to be willing to get beat up and submitted in training so you know what to do next time. By taking those beatings, you get tougher physically and mentally. Nobody became a champion overnight.
For those interested, you can catch Bob Williams in action on Saturday, April 26th at The Moline Community Center in Moline, IL. Doors open at 6pm and the fights will go until 11pm.
Can you list your vitals?
I am 5'6, 155 lbs currently 3-1 and fight in the Featherweight Division (145 pounds).
Those who've known you for some time say it was weird to think of you as a fighter. How did you get involved in MMA? What did your family and friends think of your decision?
There were a couple reasons I got into MMA. The first was actually just a fun way to stay in shape and to do it as a hobby. The other reason was that I was taking care of my elderly grandpa full time for about 3 years, and he was a former professional boxer, so I like to think of it as a tribute to him. My family didn't really have a reaction at first, probably from not knowing much about the sport. After a little while they just thought I was plain crazy to do it when i would walk around with bruises, cuts and black eyes. Now everybody is really supportive though, except for a grandma who thinks its too dangerous.
What is your response to people who say that the sport is 'barbaric' and appeals to 'meatheads'?
I think that most people who think that MMA is barbaric aren't aware of the rules and have never really watched it. If the only thing you've seen is a highlight video of the best knockouts, then you will think that it is a lot more barbaric than it really is. The same thing goes for football too, if you watch a video of the worst injuries and hardest hits you would think that the NFL is barbaric. People feel that sports such as MMA and boxing are barbaric because they don't understand the science and skill involved in them. They also aren't aware of all of the rules in place to protect fighters such as no kicks or knees to the head of a downed opponent, small joint manipulations, eye gouges, etc. As far as it appealing to meatheads....it does, but it appeals to a lot of other people too. I've met people from all walks of life who are interested and entertained by it. Men, women, doctors, athletes, blue collar workers, and everything in between.
Did you have any sort of fighting or wrestling experience growing up?
I did karate and kickboxing as a kid and always liked it. I always enjoyed the contact from sparring.
You're currently training at the legendary Miletich Fighting Systems in Bettendorf. Obviously there are world class fighters like Tim Sylvia, Jens Pulver, and Spencer Fisher in there 7 days a week. How hard is it to start your MMA career in an environment like that?
For me it was the perfect start, but that's because I went in wanting to learn from people who have been doing it for years. So many people come and go from there that come in wanting to impress people. It's a matter of earning respect. All of the people you mentioned have been extremely helpful the entire time. I train with Spencer on a daily basis which has helped me make huge strides all around. For the most part everybody are nice guys who enjoy helping fighters who are trying to get better. They want people to represent the gym just as they do and want everybody to do well. Even though it isn't a team sport such as football, it's very much a team environment. I want everybody there to win as much as I want myself to win, and vice versa. They're all really great and genuine guys who are very supportive of the people who put in the work that's necessary to get where they are.
Can you take us through a typical day?
My typical day consists of waking up at 7, eating something light and heading to the gym. I will lift weights for an hour to an hour and half, run on the treadmill or outside for 30-45 min, and work MMA technique for an hour after that. That hour of technique could be anything from hitting pads, focus mitts or the heavy bag to ground and pound drills to jiu-jitsu. I usually get out of the gym between 11 and noon and have a protein shake and eat a high carb and protein meal when I get home. I'll relax, take the dog for a walk, and maybe watch a movie until I eat again, then usually take a nap for an hour, and then head back to the gym. Monday, Wed and Friday nights are sparring and Tuesday/Thursday are jiu-jitsu nights for 2 hours.
Many of us have seen the reality show, The Ultimate Fighter, on Spike TV and have seen how the guys train. Is that pretty realistic of life as a fighter (with respect to the training)?
Yeah the workouts are realistic on the show. I think I've done everything that I've seen on there at least once. It's not realistic in the way of the life of a fighter by taking away outside contact, TV and the internet, but then again, it is a reality show, and those just aren't 100% real.
How important is nutrition?
Nutrition is huge, one of the biggest aspects of the sport. Staying hydrated, repairing the muscles, and keeping energy levels up are the goals. We have to eat enough food to sustain energy through the rigorous hours of training, but not too much to get our weight off. Personally I walk around between 155-160 pounds, but cut down to 145 for a weigh in. By the time I fight I weigh close to 155 again. Eating clean and not drinking alcohol are very important. I won't drink any alcohol a month away from a fight.
As a guy who's never been in a fight, what does it feel like getting punched and kicked? Does it affect your level of concentration during a fight?
It depends on how hard you get hit and where you get hit. They say there are two reactions to getting hit: backing up or hitting back. The thing about getting hit is that it's not as much about how hard you get hit as it is about where you get hit. A light kick or punch to the liver is 5 times as painful as a hard strike that misses the liver by an inch. Same thing with getting kicked right above the knee or in the hamstring compared to the thigh. That's why being technical and accurate is so important. Also, the kick or punch that you don't see coming hurts the most and is usually why people get knocked out or dropped. As long as you have your chin tucked and see the punch coming it doesn't hurt as bad as you would think. Part of the reason for that is your body gets conditioned to it. Blocking leg kicks with your own shin used to be torture, but now its a natural reaction and doesn't bother me. A lot of that is because conditioning kills the nerve endings there.
How do you prepare for a fight? Do you typically know anything about your opponent? Do you and your coaches develop a 'game plan'?
My corner men and trainers will develop a game plan for every fight, but you never know what will happen in a given night. We train for the fight in all aspects off MMA so that we're always prepared for standing or fighting on the ground. Training partners will mimic the style and what you know about the guy you're fighting so you have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. If your fighting a strong wrestler then you will train with a wrestler. There are so many great training partners at the gym that push you and make you better everyday. Another important thing is having a good corner because they see things that you don't in the cage. In every fight I've had my corner walk me through it, with simple commands and adjustments to make during the fight. They are the ones who see if someone is dropping their hands or if a submission is there that you don't see. I always have great coaches, training partners and corner men.
What is your ultimate goal in MMA fighting?
I got into this as a hobby and its turned into a career. My goals are to travel and fight in places that I never would have visited otherwise - Japan, Thailand, Brazil,and Europe. I want to be able to make a good living and get into training other people when I get older. My other goal is to hold the featherweight or bantamweight for a major organization like the WEC or Shooto. Sadly, the UFC doesn't have 145 or 135 pound division yet. Fighting in the UFC would be a huge goal but I am too small to fight at the 155 pound weight class.
Fashion question: board shorts on the Speedo-ish shorts?
I have considered wearing the Speedos but just don't have the penage to pull it off. So far only board shorts but I may rock the Speedo one of these fights.
Last question, what advice would you give someone who's thinking about getting into MMA?
I do think a lot of people fight too soon when they get involved in MMA, which isn't a good idea. It's just like anything else, the more you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Don't get discouraged and keep going. Leave your ego at home and just do it. Everybody gets beat, you just can't let it get to you. You have to be willing to get beat up and submitted in training so you know what to do next time. By taking those beatings, you get tougher physically and mentally. Nobody became a champion overnight.
For those interested, you can catch Bob Williams in action on Saturday, April 26th at The Moline Community Center in Moline, IL. Doors open at 6pm and the fights will go until 11pm.
The Gist
April 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
The Cubs got off the schnide and finally won today, thus preventing the sky from actually falling.We got 6IP, 1ER and 5K's from Ryan Dempster, who I truly believe, when the dust finally settles, is going to be our second best starter (from Chaim Witz's mouth to your ears), behind the caffeine-addled Chazz Zambrano.
After a bruising home plate collision and ensuing errant throw gave the Brewers a brief 2-0 lead, the Cubs came back and plated two of their own courtesy of a double by KFuk (who also had a steal), a single by MDR and a sac fly by the man who will finally make us forget Rick Wilkins, the man, the myth, the legend, Geovany Soto. A-Ram got into the act in the 5th, contributing a solo dong for his first hit of the season. The next inning, after RBI's by Alfie and The Riot, the Cubs were in cruise control, as Dempster was...wait for it...here we go...straight ballin'.
Kerry Wood and his new kickass beard come in the ninth to nail it down. That slider makes lesser men shit their pants while batting. 6-3 Cubs. I cracked an Old Style. Or was it a can of Bret's Brew? I can't remember.
I listened to a good portion of this game on the radio while being driven to the airport (I love that readers are like, 'Why the fuck does he have a driver?') and I got into a brief tiff with my driver, Pubes, about Ronny Santo. Pubes, see, is a lifelong Sox fan. He enjoys the dulcet tones of Pat Hughes, but Santo drives him nuts. I told him that actually, he wouldn't know this, but that Ron Santo is my grandfather and he would be well served to shut his goddamn mouth.
Oh you should have seen Pubes face! Priceless! Of course I kid with Pubes all the time like that. I told him that part of 'Ronny charm' is that he wears his homer-ism like a badge of honor. This badge being placed right next to the beer he spilled on his shirt. And c'mon Sox fans. Hawk Harrelson? Yeah, that's what I thought.
The Cubs kick off a three game set in Houston this weekend. Friday, Rich Hill takes the Hill versus some guy named Chris Sampson. What, Woody Williams was busy? Oh wait, he retired? Well fuck me in the goat ass. The Astros were pretty much counting on him to get them back to the World Series weren't they? Is that Clemens guy still around?
I digress. And undress. (Cue Baba O'Riley)
Party at Fatty Matty's
April 02, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Oh Matt Leinart, you're incorrigible. Twenty five years old and still holding frat keggers at your house, home of your own two man frat "Eye Ama Douchebag", with your brah for life Nick Lachey...While Kurt Warner was off praying quietly with his life-partner Brenda, you and Nick were laughing it up while pouring beer and god knows what else down the throats of 18 year old ASU freshman girls. Wait, 18 year olds can't drink can they? They can if they go to EAD!
Wouldn't you know those stiffs in Arizona who elected Barry Goldwater for half a century don't understand your need to have a good time? Just because you're supposedly the future of a long suffering franchise that looks like it may finally turn the corner, they jump all over your ass for looking like a total choad and breaking the law. Weak man...
Dan Bickley of The Arizona Republic was particularly rough on you, saying you and Lachey, "have become the male equivalent of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, somewhat laughable and always in search of the next party." Not cool.
From Left to Right: Your daughter after church, human petri dish Fatty Maddy Weinberg, Fatty Matty Leinart. Not pictured: Jessica Simpson's Ex.
R.E.M. - Accelerate
April 02, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Every few years a blessed event occurs in my life: R.E.M. releases a new CD. Last year's R.E.M. Live was spectacular, but a poor substitute for new material. April 1st has been circled on my calendar for months. This was the day Accelerate hit the store shelves. Always good to their fans, the band released the first single Supernatural Superserious early enough to quench your thirst, but not so early that you went mad waiting for the rest of the CD. The wait is now over. Accelerate is in my collection.
At lunch I made the trek to Best Buy and picked up the CD for $9.99 (also out today and purchased by me, Muse - HAARP a live CD/DVD from their Wembley Stadium concert last year). To celebrate the happy event, I treat myself to Indian food for lunch. Then the waiting begins. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve. I couldn't wait for the clock at work to strike something sufficiently close to 5pm so I could legitimately slip out the side door and go listen to my new treasure.
I rip open the package...huzzah! Its so lightweight and environmentally friendly. I would expect nothing else from the Oracles of Athens. With great anticipation, I open it up and see the magic words BUCK MILLS STIPE. Its really here! They included the lyrics too, which is something they have only recently started to do.
The door is shut to prevent distractions, TV is off, and I've got a fresh can of Pepsi. Lets hit play!Track 1 - Living Well is the Best Revenge - Nice. Really peppy with hard guitars. Almost gives off a punk vibe. Some of the hardest rock they have put out since their college radio heyday. Great start to the CD.
Track 2 - Man-Sized Wreath - Track 2 – Man-Sized Wreath – More hard stuff…excellent. I loved their last couple CDs, but I don't think they could have gotten away with putting out another CD of spacey keyboard sounds. This is going to rock live at the Hollywood Bowl in May.
Track 3 - Supernatural Superserious - The first single...absolutely fantastic song. You probably heard it on ESPN during Baseball Tonight on Sunday. Its definitely in keeping with their more recent rock (what there was of it), but with more of a biting guitar like the best CD of all time, New Adventures in Hi-Fi. Think Bittersweet Me on steroids.
Track 4 - Hollow Man - Slowing it down a bit. Stipe and a piano to kick it off…here comes the guitar, gentle and strumming. Wow, here we go…its all a tease, rock on Peter Buck you magnificent son of a bitch.
Track 5 – Houston – “If the storm doesn’t kill me, the government will.” Gee, I wonder what could have gotten them hopped up to write this one? Simultaneously hard and slow…interesting.
Track 6 – Accelerate – …and indeed they do. Picking up the pace again after Houston, the hard and fast REM is back. Solid little rock song.
Track 7 – Until the Day is Done – Acoustic guitar returns…another tease? I get the feeling no. Heavy, political lyrics: “the verdict is dire, the country’s in ruins.” Easy going and deep. Definitely feeling this one more than Houston. Note: The only time Stipe’s lyrics can be taken at face value is when the band is grousing about the current administration, be it Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, or Bush II. President Obama will no doubt feel their wrath one day as well. Track 8 – Mr. Richards – Keith or Michael? Does it really matter. No. Who gives a fuck? This song is great. Conveniently, it offers a good example of those vague Stipe lyrics I hinted at a minute ago: “Mr. Richards, your position is a messenger pigeon, left behind when the camp moved on.” Indeed. The rhythm of this song definitely reminds me of something, but damned if I can place it.
Track 9 – Sing for the Submarine – Nice little reference in the lyrics to Electron Blue, one of the best songs of their last CD Around the Sun. Ringo go fuck yourself. THIS is the new submarine song.
Track 10 – Horse to Water – Wow…I just came in my pants. R.E.M. putting out “pump up” rock? Who knew Stipe and the boys still had it in them. Even an f-bomb. Well done boys.
Track 11 – I’m Gonna DJ – This one wrapped up last year’s live CD. I’m sure its about something, but I have no idea what. Perhaps it really is about collecting vinyl. I’m gonna dj at the end of the world!
Aww…no hidden track. That would have been too much to ask for I guess.
Well, there it is. I'm not sold on "Houston", but the rest of this blew me away. R.E.M. is an arena rock band again. Clear a path motherfuckers!
BREAKING NEWS ON ZAMBRANO INJURY!!!
April 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
Remember in 2005 when Carlos was having elbow troubles because he spent too much time on the internet chatting and e-mailing his family? Well the same injury seems to be back as Deadspin reported yesterday that Zambrano may be hurting his elbow again from spending too much time online.
But he's not writing to loved ones this time. Now he's sacrificing his elbow because of a possible addiction to internet porn. The picture above of Zambrano and Anna Benson, wife of former pitcher Kris Benson, may or may not have actually happened.
Read the full story here.
TMS MLB Preview '08 - NL West
April 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. Today we finally wrap this motherfucker up with the NL West. Chaim, LB, Daft Funk, and Governor Gray Davis offer their expertise on how this division is shaping for 2008.
NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
1. LOS ANGELES DODGERS by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 82-80 (4th)
So Long: OF Luis Gonzalez, P Mark Hendrickson, C Mike Lieberthal, P David Wells, P Randy Wolf, P Rudy Seanez
Welcome: C Gary Bennett, OF Andruw Jones, P Hiroki Kuroda
Yes, He's Still On the Team: P Jason Schmidt
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. SS Rafael Furcal
2. LF Andre Ethier
3. C Russell Martin
4. 2B Jeff Kent
5. CF Andruw Jones
6. RF Matt Kemp
7. 1B James Loney
8. 3B vacant
Starting Rotation - Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Chad Billingsley, Hiroki Kuroda, Esteban Loaiza
Setup - Scott Proctor, Jonathan Broxton, Joe Beimel
Closer - Takashi Saito
The Dodgers' off-season strategy seemed to be sit around, do nothing, and wait for the rest of the division to get worse. With the exception of Arizona, mission accomplished. Unfortunately, literally doing nothing wasn't an option and OCD GM Ned Colletti has to make sure the team has too many outfielders or Jodie Foster will die. To this end, the Dodgers signed AndrEw Jones. If you're a regular reader, by now you know AndrEw is on the official shit list, so I won't bore you again. Suffice it to say, because of his salary (which is almost as fat as he is) Dodger fans can now look forward to paying $25 for a plate of nachos while we watch him strike out 150 times a year. Yippie.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Joe Torre - Screwed by Steinbrenner, Torre is looking to prove he still has it in Los Angeles. He's also looking to spread the "family business" to Los Angeles. In fact, if I hadn't named him Mr. Sexy Time, I would get whacked and thrown in the LA River.
Take This Job and Shove It: Third Base - With Mr. Mia Hamm and Gingerbread LaRoche injured again, the third base job is up for grabs.......just as it has been for the last two decades or so. The Dodgers will be holding open tryouts this Wednesday at a Best Buy parking lot in Pasadena. All you have to do is be the first one in line at 8am and the job is yours.
The Bitter First Wife: Vero Beach, FL - After 60 years, the Dodgers have divorced their first Spring Training wife, Vero Beach. She's old and insists on dying her hair blue. Not Dodger Blue, just blue. With plenty of money in the 401k, the Dodgers are re-locating to Phoenix and will be banging ASU coeds two at a time starting next Spring.
FOR MORE READING
Dodger Blues
Sons of Steve Garvey
Dodger Thoughts
2. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS also by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 90-72 (1st)
SO LONG: 3B Jeff Cirillo, 1B Tony Clark, P Livan Hernandez, P Jose Valverde, P Bob Wickman
WELCOME: P Dan Haren, OF Trot Nixon, P Chad Qualls
PROJECTED ORDER
1. Chris Young CF
2. Orlando Hudson 2B
3. Eric Byrnes LF
4. Conor Jackson 1B
5. Chris Snyder C
6. Mark Reynolds 3B
7. Stephen Drew SS
8. Justin Upton RF
Starting Rotation - Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, Doug Davis, Micah Owings, Edgar Gonzalez
Setup - Chad Qualls, Tony Pena
Closer - Brandon Lyon
The Diamondbacks kick off their 10th anniversary season with what is probably the youngest roster in Major League Baseball. If you set Methuselah aisde, their oldest player is Augie Ojeda, clocking in at 33 years of age. Last year saw the DBacks win the division and sweep the Cubs out of the first round (sorry for the bad memories), only to run into the Jesus-fueled but ultimately doomed Rockies in the NLCS. In 2008 Cactus League play, the offense has been on fire, but the pitching has been pathetic. Its OK though, because they play in the NL West, which may be able to reclaim the title NL Worst this season.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Dan Haren...I suppose - Sexy? Not really in any sense of the word, but he was the only acquisition of note for the Diamondbacks this offseason. Trot Nixon couldn't even make the big league club, and frankly, Chad Qualls can go fuck himself with a rusty lamp that shoots sparks even when it isn't plugged in. Haren put up a 3.07 ERA last season in the American League, which should translate to roughly 0.37 in the National League.
Christ, Go Away Already: Randy Johnson - Methuselah will be 45 in September, if he lasts that long. I suspect Arizona may be trying to kill him. His back is made of PVC pipe now after the 4000th surgery on it (the latest on March 25th) and can't be relied upon as a starting pitcher any longer. Its time for Randy and his mullet to go away. There's a double-wide and a case of PBR waiting for him in Apache Junction if he'll just take the bait.
Eli Manning "My Brother is a Douchebag" Award: Stephen Drew - I never hated JD Drew like a lot of people, but the consensus is that he's a douchebag and who am I to argue with the consensus (particularly when I need to give out a third award to this team). Now I know there are a lot of Stephen Drew haters out there in Cubland who will say he is too, but remember, having a douchebag older brother doesn't preclude one from being a douchebag themselves (see again the Manning brothers). To me, he seems OK, but what's with the DBacks drafting all these inbred hillbillies?
FOR MORE READING
AZ Snakepit
3. SAN DIEGO PADRES by Chaim Witz
2007: 89-74 (3rd)
SO LONG: 2B Geoff Blum, OF Milton Bradley, P Doug Brocail, OF Mike Cameron, P Jack Cassel, 3B Morgan Ensberg, 2B Marcus Giles, P Ryan Ketchner, OF Jason Lane, OF Rob Mackowiak, P Brett Tomko
WELCOME: 1B Tony Clark, OF Jeff DaVanon, 1B Robert Fick, 2B Tadahito Iguchi, P Mark Prior, P Randy Wolf
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Brad Giles RF
2. Tadahito Iguchi 2B
3. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B
5. Khalil Greene SS
6. Paul McAnulty LF
7. Scott Hairston CF
8. Josh Bard C
Starting Rotation - Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux, Randy Wolf, Justin Germano
Setup - Cla Meredith
Closer - Trevor Hoffman
Every year you'd like to write the Padres off, and looking at their uninspiring lineup card, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. Yet every year, playing in the dead zone known as the NL West, they compete for the division crown. They enter the playoffs, scare no one and by the second week in October are back to eating fish tacos and having beach parties, or whatever people do in California. They face the opposite problem of the Rockies, who can't recruit any good pitchers to play in the unfairly lambasted Coors Field. What hitter wants to play in Petco and see home runs turn into long singles? Thus, their team is a sort of weird mixture of young and old, injury prone and castoffs from other teams...their team indentity is as big of a mystery as Jason Bourne. Will they compete this year? Undoubtedly. Will anyone care? In a word, no.*
*I stopped caring after 1996, when Fernando's short lived resurgence with the Padres ended. A small part of me died after that.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Greg Maddux - Mr. Sexy Time is theoretically supposed to represent an young up and comer. But San Diego, a very 'sexy' city in and of itself, fields a team every year that is about as sexy as a chain-smoking Marge Schott. Nothing about the Padres is sexy, from their uniforms to their pitcher friendly park, to the gang of castaways they trot onto the field every year. But much like Maddux, who has never been the sexiest member of the '300' club, they get the job done. It may be about as pretty as the omnipresent bags under Mad Dog's eyes, but year in and year out, somehow this team manages to be there right til the bitter end.
Overrated, Like British Accents: Brian Giles - He gets a 'Seriously, This Guy?' from me. I guess he's probably not really rated highly by anybody anymore, except for Padres management, who are content give him a starting job based on past glories and a killer tan. Surfs up dude.
You Son of Bitch: Mark Prior - Both Kerry Wood and Prior will probably be forever linked together, for better or worse, in that they both exhibited tremendous talent and potential at the onset of their careers with the Cubs, only to have been derailed time and time again by injuries. The similarities end there. Cubs fans love Kerry. He's a tough competitor who doesn't make excuses and feels indebted to the team for sticking with him. Prior on the other hand is a prima donna; a no personality whiner who always seemed to resent the fans, the city of Chicago and the Cubs organization. Well Mark, you'll be happy to know that the feeling is mutual. Cubs fans all resent you too, you son of a bitch. I'm glad you're gone so you can stop wrecking our lives and you can stow all of your baggage elsewhere.
FOR MORE READING
Gaslamp Ball
Ducksnorts
4. COLORADO ROCKIES by an inebriated Lingering Bursitis
2007: 90-73 (2nd)
SO LONG: P Jeremy Affeldt, P Elmer Dessens, P Josh Fogg, P LaTroy Hawkins, P Jorge Julio, P Rodrigo Lopez, 2B Kaz Matsui
WELCOME: 2B Marcus Giles, P Josh Towers, P Luis Vizcaino, P Kip Wells
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Troy Tulowitzki SS
3. Todd Helton 1B
4. Matt Holliday LF
5. Garrett Atkins 3B
6. Brad Hawpe RF
7. Yorvit Torrealba C
8. Jayson Nix 2B
Starting Rotation - Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales
Setup - Brian Fuentes, Luis Vizcaino
Closer - Manny Corpas
They're the God Squad. They prayed so fucking hard last season that they made it almost all the way. If you want proof that God doesn't answer and doesn't listen and perhaps doesn't even exist, look at the Colorado Rockies. I guess Boston prayed harder, right?
God bullshit aside, they've got a good young team, with a couple of key oldies to creche it up and babysit. Tulowitski is great, Matt Holliday has boyish good looks and a beast of a batting average, Willy Taveras is fast and stuff, and Garrett Atkins has a name like a country singer. Fuck! [Phoning it in].
Todd Helton and the pre-pubescent rotation are the keys to the season. If Helton can stay fit and marshal things in the middle of the order, they have a chance. If the teen trio of Francis, Morales and Hirsh can pitch deep into games and protect their bullpen, they have a chance. If Clint Hurdle goes on a diet, they have a chance.
Realistically though, they have no fucking chance. Pray up, and pack up. The R0X0Rs are destined for a holier-than-though third place in a tough fucking division. At least they have bibles to keep them busy during the postseason.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: The Lord God himself - You can't hate on God. He works miracles, including hauling these guys' asses into the playoffs last year. He always bats 1.000 for this team. It's just a shame that he took Kaz Matsui away.
Where in the World is...?: Clint Barmes - What happened to this asshole? The guy had a promising future, and then injured himself carrying frozen deer meat up some stairs or something? Who does that? He's a white guy in Colorado living on a fat baseball salary. Have the hired help lug that shit next time. Now, you're who-the-fuck-knows where doing I-don't-give-a-fuck what. And some guy Troy took your place. Ouch, Clint, ouch.
Best left-hander with a weird throwing motion award: Brian Fuentes - This guy is great. He throws all crazy, he's got an acne-scarred face, and he loses the closer's job to some 20-something guy who looks stoned all the time, what with the crazy angle tilt of his cap. [Kids these days]. And yet, his role as the setup man is gonna be fun. He's the kind of pitcher who'll give you 15 scoreless innings, then blow back-to-back saves with 3 ER or more in an inning. He pitches like life, full of ups, downs and weird throwing motions, and I like him.
Plus, I like to imagine that he's related to Daisy Fuentes, and that one day I can meet Brian, be real nice, and score Daisy's phone number. That, and only that, might be enough to dampen the Campbell Brown forest fire that rages in my loins like a force of nature. Sweet Georgia Brown, Campbell.
Oh yes, sorry. Fuentes is a good guy. [Paging editorial, paging editorial.... stop me writing when I'm drunk please. Fact: I wrote this whole thing in 10 minutes]
FOR MORE READING
This.
5. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS by Daft Funk
2007: 71-91 (5th)
SO LONG: OF Barry Bonds, 3B Pedro Feliz, 1B Ryan Klesko, C Mike Matheny, P Scott Munter, P Russ Ortiz
WELCOME: OF Aaron Rowand
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Dave Roberts LF
2. Ray Durham 2B
3. Randy Winn RF
4. Bengie Molina C
5. Aaron Rowand CF
6. Rich Aurilia 1B
7. Jose Castillo 3B
8. Brian Bocock SS
Starting Rotation - Barry Zito, Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum, Kevin Correia, Jonathan Sanchez
Setup - Steve Kline, Tyler Walker, Brad Hennessey
Closer - Brian Wilson
There's no dancing around this, so I'm just going to come out and say it: The San Francisco Giants are going to be absolute shit this year. Here's a number for you: 254. That's the combined number of years old the Giants 1-8 hitters are. That's an average age of 31.75 years old. Take out this Bocock fella, and that average age bumps up to 33.0. That means that pretty much everyone in the lineup falls into at least 1, if not more, of the following categories:
1. About 5-6 years past being useful
2. Not any good
3. A pitcher
That's why I present you with the number 254 again. That's how many runs the Giants are going to score this season.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Tim Lincecum - I saw this guy pitch at Dodger Stadium last year, and he's the real deal. Unfortunately, his herky-jerky delivery has "arm surgery" written all over it. But you gotta love this picture of him. "Sexytime" indeed. How old is this guy, 12?
Unrest In The Middle East Makes Me Give Up Runs: The Giants Pitching Staff - Practically everyone on the Giants' staff is being lit up like a Christmas tree this spring. I know that Spring Training stats don't count and all that jazz, but it's not like their starting 5 were setting the world on fire last year either. I'm going to set up a chart on my desk and watch the Giants team ERA and gas/oil prices go up all summer long side by side. Things are bad when you can kick Russ Ortiz out of your rotation and somehow it's worse than before.
The Reason To Tie Your Child's Right Arm To Their Body: Barry Zito - Zito proved once again that as long as you're a lefty and you can have only one great year, you'll be overrated forever. Combine that with a terrible pitching market, such as the one in the 2006/2007 offseason, and you've got yourself $100+ million to suck for the rest of your career. How bad is Zito? Defying both physics and God's will, he switched from the AL to one of the better pitchers parks in the NL and still sucked a hard one.
FOR MORE READING
McCovey Chronicles
Generic MLB Giants' Site
El Lefty Malo
NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
1. LOS ANGELES DODGERS by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 82-80 (4th)
So Long: OF Luis Gonzalez, P Mark Hendrickson, C Mike Lieberthal, P David Wells, P Randy Wolf, P Rudy Seanez
Welcome: C Gary Bennett, OF Andruw Jones, P Hiroki Kuroda
Yes, He's Still On the Team: P Jason Schmidt
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. SS Rafael Furcal
2. LF Andre Ethier
3. C Russell Martin
4. 2B Jeff Kent
5. CF Andruw Jones
6. RF Matt Kemp
7. 1B James Loney
8. 3B vacant
Starting Rotation - Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Chad Billingsley, Hiroki Kuroda, Esteban Loaiza
Setup - Scott Proctor, Jonathan Broxton, Joe Beimel
Closer - Takashi Saito
The Dodgers' off-season strategy seemed to be sit around, do nothing, and wait for the rest of the division to get worse. With the exception of Arizona, mission accomplished. Unfortunately, literally doing nothing wasn't an option and OCD GM Ned Colletti has to make sure the team has too many outfielders or Jodie Foster will die. To this end, the Dodgers signed AndrEw Jones. If you're a regular reader, by now you know AndrEw is on the official shit list, so I won't bore you again. Suffice it to say, because of his salary (which is almost as fat as he is) Dodger fans can now look forward to paying $25 for a plate of nachos while we watch him strike out 150 times a year. Yippie.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Joe Torre - Screwed by Steinbrenner, Torre is looking to prove he still has it in Los Angeles. He's also looking to spread the "family business" to Los Angeles. In fact, if I hadn't named him Mr. Sexy Time, I would get whacked and thrown in the LA River.Take This Job and Shove It: Third Base - With Mr. Mia Hamm and Gingerbread LaRoche injured again, the third base job is up for grabs.......just as it has been for the last two decades or so. The Dodgers will be holding open tryouts this Wednesday at a Best Buy parking lot in Pasadena. All you have to do is be the first one in line at 8am and the job is yours.
The Bitter First Wife: Vero Beach, FL - After 60 years, the Dodgers have divorced their first Spring Training wife, Vero Beach. She's old and insists on dying her hair blue. Not Dodger Blue, just blue. With plenty of money in the 401k, the Dodgers are re-locating to Phoenix and will be banging ASU coeds two at a time starting next Spring.
FOR MORE READING
Dodger Blues
Sons of Steve Garvey
Dodger Thoughts
2. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS also by Governor Gray Davis
2007: 90-72 (1st)
SO LONG: 3B Jeff Cirillo, 1B Tony Clark, P Livan Hernandez, P Jose Valverde, P Bob Wickman
WELCOME: P Dan Haren, OF Trot Nixon, P Chad Qualls
PROJECTED ORDER
1. Chris Young CF
2. Orlando Hudson 2B
3. Eric Byrnes LF
4. Conor Jackson 1B
5. Chris Snyder C
6. Mark Reynolds 3B
7. Stephen Drew SS
8. Justin Upton RF
Starting Rotation - Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, Doug Davis, Micah Owings, Edgar Gonzalez
Setup - Chad Qualls, Tony Pena
Closer - Brandon Lyon
The Diamondbacks kick off their 10th anniversary season with what is probably the youngest roster in Major League Baseball. If you set Methuselah aisde, their oldest player is Augie Ojeda, clocking in at 33 years of age. Last year saw the DBacks win the division and sweep the Cubs out of the first round (sorry for the bad memories), only to run into the Jesus-fueled but ultimately doomed Rockies in the NLCS. In 2008 Cactus League play, the offense has been on fire, but the pitching has been pathetic. Its OK though, because they play in the NL West, which may be able to reclaim the title NL Worst this season.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Dan Haren...I suppose - Sexy? Not really in any sense of the word, but he was the only acquisition of note for the Diamondbacks this offseason. Trot Nixon couldn't even make the big league club, and frankly, Chad Qualls can go fuck himself with a rusty lamp that shoots sparks even when it isn't plugged in. Haren put up a 3.07 ERA last season in the American League, which should translate to roughly 0.37 in the National League.Christ, Go Away Already: Randy Johnson - Methuselah will be 45 in September, if he lasts that long. I suspect Arizona may be trying to kill him. His back is made of PVC pipe now after the 4000th surgery on it (the latest on March 25th) and can't be relied upon as a starting pitcher any longer. Its time for Randy and his mullet to go away. There's a double-wide and a case of PBR waiting for him in Apache Junction if he'll just take the bait.
Eli Manning "My Brother is a Douchebag" Award: Stephen Drew - I never hated JD Drew like a lot of people, but the consensus is that he's a douchebag and who am I to argue with the consensus (particularly when I need to give out a third award to this team). Now I know there are a lot of Stephen Drew haters out there in Cubland who will say he is too, but remember, having a douchebag older brother doesn't preclude one from being a douchebag themselves (see again the Manning brothers). To me, he seems OK, but what's with the DBacks drafting all these inbred hillbillies?
FOR MORE READING
AZ Snakepit
3. SAN DIEGO PADRES by Chaim Witz
2007: 89-74 (3rd)
SO LONG: 2B Geoff Blum, OF Milton Bradley, P Doug Brocail, OF Mike Cameron, P Jack Cassel, 3B Morgan Ensberg, 2B Marcus Giles, P Ryan Ketchner, OF Jason Lane, OF Rob Mackowiak, P Brett Tomko
WELCOME: 1B Tony Clark, OF Jeff DaVanon, 1B Robert Fick, 2B Tadahito Iguchi, P Mark Prior, P Randy Wolf
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Brad Giles RF
2. Tadahito Iguchi 2B
3. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B
5. Khalil Greene SS
6. Paul McAnulty LF
7. Scott Hairston CF
8. Josh Bard C
Starting Rotation - Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux, Randy Wolf, Justin Germano
Setup - Cla Meredith
Closer - Trevor Hoffman
Every year you'd like to write the Padres off, and looking at their uninspiring lineup card, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. Yet every year, playing in the dead zone known as the NL West, they compete for the division crown. They enter the playoffs, scare no one and by the second week in October are back to eating fish tacos and having beach parties, or whatever people do in California. They face the opposite problem of the Rockies, who can't recruit any good pitchers to play in the unfairly lambasted Coors Field. What hitter wants to play in Petco and see home runs turn into long singles? Thus, their team is a sort of weird mixture of young and old, injury prone and castoffs from other teams...their team indentity is as big of a mystery as Jason Bourne. Will they compete this year? Undoubtedly. Will anyone care? In a word, no.*
*I stopped caring after 1996, when Fernando's short lived resurgence with the Padres ended. A small part of me died after that.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Greg Maddux - Mr. Sexy Time is theoretically supposed to represent an young up and comer. But San Diego, a very 'sexy' city in and of itself, fields a team every year that is about as sexy as a chain-smoking Marge Schott. Nothing about the Padres is sexy, from their uniforms to their pitcher friendly park, to the gang of castaways they trot onto the field every year. But much like Maddux, who has never been the sexiest member of the '300' club, they get the job done. It may be about as pretty as the omnipresent bags under Mad Dog's eyes, but year in and year out, somehow this team manages to be there right til the bitter end.Overrated, Like British Accents: Brian Giles - He gets a 'Seriously, This Guy?' from me. I guess he's probably not really rated highly by anybody anymore, except for Padres management, who are content give him a starting job based on past glories and a killer tan. Surfs up dude.
You Son of Bitch: Mark Prior - Both Kerry Wood and Prior will probably be forever linked together, for better or worse, in that they both exhibited tremendous talent and potential at the onset of their careers with the Cubs, only to have been derailed time and time again by injuries. The similarities end there. Cubs fans love Kerry. He's a tough competitor who doesn't make excuses and feels indebted to the team for sticking with him. Prior on the other hand is a prima donna; a no personality whiner who always seemed to resent the fans, the city of Chicago and the Cubs organization. Well Mark, you'll be happy to know that the feeling is mutual. Cubs fans all resent you too, you son of a bitch. I'm glad you're gone so you can stop wrecking our lives and you can stow all of your baggage elsewhere.
FOR MORE READING
Gaslamp Ball
Ducksnorts
4. COLORADO ROCKIES by an inebriated Lingering Bursitis
2007: 90-73 (2nd)
SO LONG: P Jeremy Affeldt, P Elmer Dessens, P Josh Fogg, P LaTroy Hawkins, P Jorge Julio, P Rodrigo Lopez, 2B Kaz Matsui
WELCOME: 2B Marcus Giles, P Josh Towers, P Luis Vizcaino, P Kip Wells
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Troy Tulowitzki SS
3. Todd Helton 1B
4. Matt Holliday LF
5. Garrett Atkins 3B
6. Brad Hawpe RF
7. Yorvit Torrealba C
8. Jayson Nix 2B
Starting Rotation - Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales
Setup - Brian Fuentes, Luis Vizcaino
Closer - Manny Corpas
They're the God Squad. They prayed so fucking hard last season that they made it almost all the way. If you want proof that God doesn't answer and doesn't listen and perhaps doesn't even exist, look at the Colorado Rockies. I guess Boston prayed harder, right?
God bullshit aside, they've got a good young team, with a couple of key oldies to creche it up and babysit. Tulowitski is great, Matt Holliday has boyish good looks and a beast of a batting average, Willy Taveras is fast and stuff, and Garrett Atkins has a name like a country singer. Fuck! [Phoning it in].
Todd Helton and the pre-pubescent rotation are the keys to the season. If Helton can stay fit and marshal things in the middle of the order, they have a chance. If the teen trio of Francis, Morales and Hirsh can pitch deep into games and protect their bullpen, they have a chance. If Clint Hurdle goes on a diet, they have a chance.
Realistically though, they have no fucking chance. Pray up, and pack up. The R0X0Rs are destined for a holier-than-though third place in a tough fucking division. At least they have bibles to keep them busy during the postseason.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: The Lord God himself - You can't hate on God. He works miracles, including hauling these guys' asses into the playoffs last year. He always bats 1.000 for this team. It's just a shame that he took Kaz Matsui away.Where in the World is...?: Clint Barmes - What happened to this asshole? The guy had a promising future, and then injured himself carrying frozen deer meat up some stairs or something? Who does that? He's a white guy in Colorado living on a fat baseball salary. Have the hired help lug that shit next time. Now, you're who-the-fuck-knows where doing I-don't-give-a-fuck what. And some guy Troy took your place. Ouch, Clint, ouch.
Best left-hander with a weird throwing motion award: Brian Fuentes - This guy is great. He throws all crazy, he's got an acne-scarred face, and he loses the closer's job to some 20-something guy who looks stoned all the time, what with the crazy angle tilt of his cap. [Kids these days]. And yet, his role as the setup man is gonna be fun. He's the kind of pitcher who'll give you 15 scoreless innings, then blow back-to-back saves with 3 ER or more in an inning. He pitches like life, full of ups, downs and weird throwing motions, and I like him.
Plus, I like to imagine that he's related to Daisy Fuentes, and that one day I can meet Brian, be real nice, and score Daisy's phone number. That, and only that, might be enough to dampen the Campbell Brown forest fire that rages in my loins like a force of nature. Sweet Georgia Brown, Campbell.
Oh yes, sorry. Fuentes is a good guy. [Paging editorial, paging editorial.... stop me writing when I'm drunk please. Fact: I wrote this whole thing in 10 minutes]
FOR MORE READING
This.
5. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS by Daft Funk
2007: 71-91 (5th)
SO LONG: OF Barry Bonds, 3B Pedro Feliz, 1B Ryan Klesko, C Mike Matheny, P Scott Munter, P Russ Ortiz
WELCOME: OF Aaron Rowand
PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Dave Roberts LF
2. Ray Durham 2B
3. Randy Winn RF
4. Bengie Molina C
5. Aaron Rowand CF
6. Rich Aurilia 1B
7. Jose Castillo 3B
8. Brian Bocock SS
Starting Rotation - Barry Zito, Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum, Kevin Correia, Jonathan Sanchez
Setup - Steve Kline, Tyler Walker, Brad Hennessey
Closer - Brian Wilson
There's no dancing around this, so I'm just going to come out and say it: The San Francisco Giants are going to be absolute shit this year. Here's a number for you: 254. That's the combined number of years old the Giants 1-8 hitters are. That's an average age of 31.75 years old. Take out this Bocock fella, and that average age bumps up to 33.0. That means that pretty much everyone in the lineup falls into at least 1, if not more, of the following categories:
1. About 5-6 years past being useful
2. Not any good
3. A pitcher
That's why I present you with the number 254 again. That's how many runs the Giants are going to score this season.
PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Tim Lincecum - I saw this guy pitch at Dodger Stadium last year, and he's the real deal. Unfortunately, his herky-jerky delivery has "arm surgery" written all over it. But you gotta love this picture of him. "Sexytime" indeed. How old is this guy, 12?Unrest In The Middle East Makes Me Give Up Runs: The Giants Pitching Staff - Practically everyone on the Giants' staff is being lit up like a Christmas tree this spring. I know that Spring Training stats don't count and all that jazz, but it's not like their starting 5 were setting the world on fire last year either. I'm going to set up a chart on my desk and watch the Giants team ERA and gas/oil prices go up all summer long side by side. Things are bad when you can kick Russ Ortiz out of your rotation and somehow it's worse than before.
The Reason To Tie Your Child's Right Arm To Their Body: Barry Zito - Zito proved once again that as long as you're a lefty and you can have only one great year, you'll be overrated forever. Combine that with a terrible pitching market, such as the one in the 2006/2007 offseason, and you've got yourself $100+ million to suck for the rest of your career. How bad is Zito? Defying both physics and God's will, he switched from the AL to one of the better pitchers parks in the NL and still sucked a hard one.
FOR MORE READING
McCovey Chronicles
Generic MLB Giants' Site
El Lefty Malo
