Poor Man's Live Blog

Today, I'm going to give the masses a running commentary of a special event. Is it a game? No. Is it an award ceremony? No. What I am going to provide are my gut reactions while opening a freshly purchased pack of 2008 Topps baseball cards, recently purchased from my local Target store.

Just like masturbation, opening a pack of baseball cards when you're 30 years old sounds like a good idea. You get really excited as you open the wrapper and begin flipping through the beautiful pictures, but before you know it, you're left sitting there feeling shameful, alone, and unfulfilled with your wet penis in your hand.

Manny Ramirez adorns the cover of the newly minted Topps pack. It is worth noting that the pack, consisting of 10 cards, cost me $1.99. They also had 2008 Upper Deck cards, but those were $2.99 per pack. When it comes down to it, I'm not spending the extra dollar on TMS. It's not worth it. But in all seriousness, I used to buy these for 45 cents, and they had a hell of a lot more than 10 cards in them. We really should be getting back to our innocence in this post-9/11 society, shouldn't we? If anyone cared about baseball cards anymore, they would probably do something about inflated prices. Alas, I suspect there are few anymore who care.

On to the show...

I caress the package like my kindergarten teacher's cold, hard nipples. With a quick tug, the wrapper comes open, immediately downgrading the cards from mint condition.

Card number one: The first chew-filled cheek I see belongs to a one Justin Morneau. Is his name French? Will he get along with Delmon Young? Is his best friend Joe Mauer? I would hope so. White guys have to stick together.

Card number two: Chris Sampson. I vaguely recall the name. He's an Astro, therefore his nationality is...pasty. No one cares about this guy, even his parents. Playing in Houston this year will garner him no notoriety, only shame and the vague whispers of promiscuous activities with Lance Berkman in the locker room.

Card three: Jason Michaels. I believe two years ago, when he first went to Cleveland, I declared him a sleeper in my 20 team fantasy league. I drafted him accordingly, and went on to rue his platoon-only existence. The back of his card says, "Jason doesn't play everyday, but his consistency is rare". Huh? So he's rarely consistent? What's the charm in that? How could he be consistent if he doesn't play every day? Hell of a thing to have declared on the back of your baseball card. Mom and pop Michaels are very proud, regardless of what the editor at Topps thinks.

Card four: Scott Kazmir. "Ouch, my elbow". Only a matter of time before this kid goes Tony Saunders on us. When healthy though, Kazmir makes the Mets look like the dipshit franchise that they are. Victor Zambrano anyone?

Card five: Kei Igawa. You ever play that video game "1942", with the airplanes? Lately when I play that game (and yes, I do) I like to think that I'm shooting down Kei's relatives. That's what he gets for fleecing the Yankees last year, and I don't even like the Yankees. Pearl Harbor II indeed.

Card six: Oops, first outdated card of the year. It's the aforementioned Delmon Young, playing for the (formerly Devil) Rays on the card. Waaaaa-waaaaa.

Card seven: Um, things just got weird. Card number seven? Take a guess who it is. Nope, it's John McCain. I jest not. This one deserves a picture. I'm speechless...

Card eight: This card is a Topps advertisement. It tells you to go to www.topps.com/rookievote to select the Topps 50th anniversary all-time rookie team. Lame. Moving on...

Card nine: Tim Redding. For the Nationals? Really? I had no idea he was still in the game. In fact, on closer inspection, it looks like he pitched in nine games for the Padres in 2005, followed that year by one solitary inning with the Yankees. Then he sat out 2006 for reasons I don't care to know, and came back with the Nats in '07. Well, at least he's keeping busy.

Card ten: Fuck. Jason Fucking Marquis. What an ass-hat. Because I hate him, and for that matter all Cub fans hate him, I will simply re-print the note on the back of his card. Read and feel free to make fun of this douche. "When Jason was a kid, he was feted to a baseball-themed bar mitzvah. His parents gave him a 20' x 15' replica of the scoreboard from the Little League World Series game in which he threw a no-hitter". Goddamn Jew. I wonder if he'll pitch on Yom Kippur?

Card eleven of the ten card pack: I guess they don't count their advertisement as a card. But apparently John McCain can take the place of a ballplayer. Isn't he from Vietnam anyway? That's not even America. Anyway, we end things with Gil Meche. Hooray. Gil Meche provokes a collective "Eh" from the crowd.

It's over. It was as underwhelming as I figured it would be. I'm ashamed, alone, unfulfilled, and my penis is now soft. However, there is hope. I might buy another pack just to score the elusive Mike Gravel. Or perhaps I can keep buying them to support the Ron Paul revolution.

Felix Pie twists testicle, earns my respect

A couple weeks ago, Brant Brown wrote a special article for Mark DeRosa, sharing his own experience with tachycardia. Well now I have a chance to share something with a Chicago Cub as well.

A few days ago it was reported that Felix Pie had a twisted testicle, also known as a testicular torsion. I could feel his pain as I too have suffered this ailment. When I was in 5th grade I suffered a twisted testicle and had to have surgery to correct it. It hurt like a son of a bitch and I lost about a month of my summer because of it. I did get a bunch of baseball cards though, so that wasn't bad.

Anyway, as funny as the situation sounds, I can empathize with Felix. It feels like someone is grabbing one of your nuts and constantly tugging hard on it. I wish him the best of luck and a speedy recovery.

I should mention I also have Type 1 diabetes, so when I found out Sam Fuld was a Type 1 diabetic as well I became a big fan of his and began rooting for him to win the starting CF spot. But now Felix's twisted nut has earned him some newfound respect from me, and may have evened the score a bit.

TMS MLB Preview '08 - AL West

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. As we wrap up the American League, we now take a gander at the AL West division. Giving you a peek at these four teams are Lingering Bursitis, Brant Brown, Daft Funk, and special guest E-Claire, who was happy to lend a hand and cover her beloved Athletics.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

1. LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM by Brant Brown
2007: 94-68 (1st)

So Long: SS Orlando Cabrera, P Bartolo Colon, 3B Dallas McPherson

Welcome: P Jon Garland, OF Torii Hunter

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Chone Figgins 3B
2. Gary Matthews RF
3. Vladimir Guerrero DH
4. Torii Hunter CF
5. Garret Anderson LF
6. Howie Kendrick 2B
7. Casey Kotchman 1B
8. Mike Napoli C
9. Erick Aybar SS

Starting Rotation - John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar, Jered Weaver, Jon Garland, Joe Saunders, Ervin Santana
Setup - Justin Speier, Scot Shields
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez

While the prospects for the season, particularly considering the state of the division, are good, there is mild discontent in Angel camp. Vlad, Hunter, Anderson, and Sarge, Jr. all want to play the field, but someone is going to have to DH. The likely pick will be Anderson for most games, as Matthews and Hunter have the defensive tools. If Vlad wants to play in the field, Scioscia will have to allow him, with the occasional spell for all involved. You have to make Vlad happy. Sure, Anderson has been with the club since the Donnie Moore incident, but he's a shell of the player who won the home run derby in 2003.

Bartolo Colon's bloated carcass is finally gone. If Hideki Irabu was the Japanese fat toad, Colon was the Mexican version. Or is he Dominican? Venezuelan? They all look the same. He's replaced by Jon Garland. Ugh, Jon Garland. Fortunately for all of the Angel fans that love whining ever so much, the club has retained Ervin Santana's services. Perhaps this year Scioscia will decide to only start Santana in home games. Seriously, look at his home and away splits. The Halos will also be throwing out the two-headed catching monster of Mike Napoli and Jeff Mathis. When is the last time a club that split catching duties made it to the World Series? Was it pre or post Great War? While Erick Aybar looks at a substantial chunk of playing time, it appears that perennial phenom Brandon Wood will once again wallow on the bench or in AAA, further deteriorating any trade value he has. At least Bill Stoneman is finally out the door as GM.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Torii Hunter - He has a lot to live up to, but he's totally qualified. The Angels have needed an extra bat for years. He may not be the slugger everyone has envisioned, but he's as solid of a package as Angel fans could have hoped for. The stellar defense and baserunning will make up for a few less homers that a Jason Giambi would have given you.

The Elijah Price (Mr. Glass) Award: 2B Howie Kendrick - Howie Kendrick. For the love of all that is holy, let this kid play a season without a fluke injury. I swear he will hit if his fingers remain unbroken.

The John Wooden "Yep, I'm Still Alive" Award: P Darren Oliver - Still gainfully employed, at 37 ripe years of age. He's just one of those guys that lingers, like a pedophile at a playground. He also probably belongs in the Reggie Cleveland Hall of Fame.

FOR MORE READING
Halos Heaven
Big 'A' Baseball


2. SEATTLE MARINERS by Lingering Bursitis
2007: 88-74 (2nd)

SO LONG: OF Jose Guillen, OF Adam Jones, P John Parrish, P George Sherrill

WELCOME: P Erik Bedard, 2B Miguel Cairo, 1B Greg Norton, P Carlos Silva, OF Brad Wilkerson

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Ichiro Suzuki CF
2. Jose Vidro DH
3. Adrian Beltre 3B
4. Raul Ibanez LF
5. Richie Sexson 1B
6. Kenji Johjima C
7. Brad Wilkerson RF
8. Jose Lopez 2B
9. Yuniesky Betancourt SS

Starting Rotation - Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Carlos Silva, Miguel Batista, Jarrod Washburn
Setup - Sean White? Cha Seung Baek? Eric O'Flaherty? Horacio Ramirez?
Closer - J.J. Putz

Well, it's Seattle. The rainiest place on earth, but there are several rays of sunshine for this middle-of-the-road franchise. As they continue to squander Ichiro's best years, we sit back and wonder when this ragtag bunch will finally wake up and make the playoffs. They came close last year, but the damp reality is the fact that it's been 6 rather damp squib years since they saw October.

They have tons of room for optimism: they caught a big fish in Erik Bedard who will compliment Hernandez well at the top of the rotation, and they do have some decent power in the lineup. Vidro, Wilkerson, Ibanez and Beltre can still hit [although not for average], and the Asian duo of Suzuki and Johjima are not to be overlooked either. Far from it. Their defense is young and solid up the middle with Lopez and Betancourt, and they play generally well in the field.

This team will live and die like so many: in the bullpen. Half of them I've never fucking heard of, and the other half aren't worth a toss. Carlos Silva, Batista and Washburn are passable but unpredictable, so even if they do get to the 6th or 7th with a lead, who knows if O'Flaherty and co can hold it long enough for Putz to get warmed up.

Let's be honest: all this promise doth not a playoff berth make. They'll slip up in the wake of Anaheim grabbing Torii Hunter, and even though Oakland pawned off their stars-for-prospects, they won't be as unlucky with injuries this season and will probably finish 2nd.

Seattle will finish 3rd, rain will keep falling, Kelsey Grammar will keep trying to recapture his Frasier glory days, and the world will continue to turn.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Felix Hernandez - It's a no-brainer. The guy is 21 years old, he outdueled the Red Sox in Dice-K's first start for Boston, and he's got a nasty array of pitches that have been baffling the league for 2 1/2 seasons. While his career 30-25 record might not tell the tale, his whopping 418 K in 465 2/3 career innings says it all. His K/BB is almost 4/1, and he's able to throw 200+ innings per season.

Hernandez holds the key for Seattle. If his arm holds up in 2008, they'll be a force to be reckoned with. He did see some injury problems creeping in last season, so they'll need to be careful.

Suck a cock, you bastard: 3B Adrian Beltre - I hate this guy so much. Not only did he poison my fantasy team in 2005, after I foolishly took drafted him high after his near-MVP season the year before, but he's a member of the worst group in baseball: those that overachieve during a contract year. I fucking hate those bastards.... they pull one magical summer out of their puckered assholes, parlay it into big money and fame, and then proceed to shit the bed [relatively speaking] since donning the Mariners' uniform.

Seriously though, from a .334 BA, 48 HR, 121 RBI season in 2004 to .255/19/87 the next? Go fuck yourself, Beltre. Admit you did the juice, and work on raising your batting average.

What the Fuck?: 2B Miguel Cairo - They signed him to a one-year deal in January as infield cover. The guy's played for almost everyone (I love hyperbole, so what?), including two tours of duty with the Cubs, Cardinals and Yankees.
What I find hilarious about Cairo, besides his mediocrity, is that he's the ultimate mercenary. He cares not for allegiances and rivalries and histories, he just plays for whoever the fuck will pay him a couple of million and play him in 50 games a season.

Three teams in the AL East, both New York teams and the Cubs/Cardinals? That's some impressive whoring.

Sure, he'll do nothing for the M's, but he'll have a fun time doing it, and I'll have a fun time making fun of him.

FOR MORE READING
Lookout Landing
U.S.S. Mariner


3. OAKLAND ATHLETICS by E-Claire
2007: 76-86 (3rd)

SO LONG: C Jeremy Brown, OF Jeff DaVanon, P Dan Haren OF Shannon Stewart, OF Nick Swisher, OF Mark Kotsay, INF Marco Scutaro, DH Mike Piazza

WELCOME: OF Emil Brown, P Dana Eveland, P Keith Foulke, C Matt LeCroy, DH Mike Sweeney, OF Carlos Gonzalez

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Mark Ellis 2B
2. Travis Buck RF
3. Daric Barton 1B
4. Jack Cust DH
5. Eric Chavez 3B
6. Emil Brown LF
7. Bobby Crosby SS
8. Chris Denorfia CF
9. Kurt Suzuki C

Starting Rotation - Joe Blanton, Rich Harden, Chad Gaudin, Justin Duchscherer, Lenny DiNardo, Dallas Braden, Dana Eveland
Setup - Kiko Calero, Keith Foulke, Alan Embree
Closer - Huston Street

2007 was an injury-riddled year for the A's (They used the DL over 20 times), and things were looking iffy for 2008 - 3/5 of the projected starting rotation (Harden, Duke, and Gaudin) were coming back from injuries/surgeries, Chavez had 3 offseason surgeries, and Bobby Crosby is...well...Bobby Crosby. So Billy Beane decided to pull the trigger and "rebuild," trading Dan Haren, Nick Swisher, Mark Kotsay, and Marco Scutaro for a grip of young prospects. And to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if more trades were made before the deadline (Blanton and Street could go, along with Ellis, and Chavez if he gets healthy). The majority of opinions seem to say that with all the prospects the A's acquired (Carloz and Gio Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, etc), it'll probably be a year or two before they start to get good. But if the A's keep their current roster, they could have a decent 2008. Harden is lights out when he's healthy (granted, that's not very often, but whatever. We'll go with it), and Blanton is solid. If Duke makes a good transition to the starting rotation, and Gaudin pitches like he did during the first half of last year, I'd say the A's have a pretty good starting rotation. And if Chavez has a good year, Barton lives up to the hype, Buck can go 10 minutes without spraining something, and Jack Cust proves last year wasn't just a fluke, you've got some pretty decent bats in the lineup. So I wouldn't completely count the A's out this year. On the other hand, everyone could get injured again, the rotation could suck, and Beane could trade all the prospects away for Single A players so he can rebuild the rebuilding project. We'll see what happens.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Stomper Ele Phant - There have been a lot of players to come and go through the Athletics organization over the past decade or so, but you can always count on the familiar face of Stomper. According to his homepage, Stomper enjoys vacationing at the All-Star game, likes peanuts, and he can beat box. I bet the damn Rally Monkey can't beat box...

The "If You Don't Stay Healthy I'll Beat Your Ass" Award: SS Bobby Crosby - Seriously. Stop. Getting. Hurt.

The "If You Don't Stay Healthy I'll Beat Your Ass" Award, Part 2: SP Rich Harden - (see above)

The "Most Entertaining Quote of the Offseason" Award: Billy Beane - During the Winter Meetings, a rumor spread about the A's, the Twins, and the Mets being involved in a 3-way trade that would send Jose Reyes (and some other prospect) to the A's. It wasn't true, and Beane responded to the rumor by saying "There's a better chance of me breeding unicorns than there is of that deal happening." I dunno Billy, if the A's have a crappy first half and you need a way to keep the fans coming to games, unicorn breeding might be something you'd want to consider. Especially if the unicorns can play defense and have a good OBP.

FOR MORE READING
Athletics Nation
Athletic Supporters


4. TEXAS RANGERS by Daft Funk
2007: 75-87 (4th)

SO LONG: OF Nick Gorneault, OF Freddy Guzman, OF Jerry Hairston Jr., P Edinson Volquez, OF Brad Wilkerson

WELCOME: OF Milton Bradley, 1B Ben Broussard, P Kazuo Fukumori, P Eddie Guardado, OF Josh Hamilton, P Jason Jennings, OF Kevin Mench, 1B Chris Shelton

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Frank Catalanotto DH
2. Josh Hamilton CF
3. Michael Young SS
4. Milton Bradley RF
5. Hank Blalock 3B
6. Marlon Byrd LF
7. Jarrod Saltalamacchia C
8. Ian Kinsler 2B
9. Ben Broussard 1B

Starting Rotation - Kevin Millwood, Vicente Padilla, Brandon McCarthy, Jason Jennings, Kason Gabbard, Kameron Loe
Setup - Joaquin Benoit, Frank Francisco
Closer - Eddie Guardado, C.J. Wilson

There really isn't much to say about the Texas Rangers that hasn't been said for the last 6 or 7 years: all hitting, no pitching. But this year, the Rangers are changing things up. Instead of a fantastic offense, the Rangers are now fielding a mediocre offense. And instead of a terrible pitching staff, this year's Texas squad is packing...a really terrible pitching staff. Seriously, this staff is the absolute worst. This staff is the 'Little Nicky' of pitching staffs. Take a look at those starters one by one? Would it really come as a shock if Kevin Millwood lost 15 games this year? Doesn't seem like such a stretch, does it? Now ask the same thing about Padilla. And Jennings. And McCarthy. What can you possibly say about a starting rotation that could lose 75 games all on its own? Another reason you know it's going to be a long season? When your best bullpen pitcher is known best for throwing a chair at an lady in the crowd during an altercation. I think it's time for them to call Rick Helling and John Wetteland and see if they can come out of retirement.

The offense is serviceable, but they'll really miss Teixeira this season. Then again, they missed him for the first 2 months of 2007 too when his bat was pretty much missing from the face of the Earth. I look over the Texas lineup and it's pretty much filled with Fantasy Baseball flash-in-the-pan players. If you've played Fantasy Baseball over the last 3-4 years, chances are you've owned a few of these guys. Hank Blalock? Didn't he used to be good a few years ago? Michael Young? He used to be good, right? Frank Catalanotto? He was ok that one year, right? If you got to hand pick a single season from each of the players in the Texas lineup from 2002-2007, this lineup would be pretty fearsome. But most of them are a few years off their prime. It doesn't matter. With their pitching staff, they could score 1,000 runs and still lose 90 games.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Milton Bradley - Look, some of you may say that there are much better candidates to be Mr. Sexy Time than Milton Bradley. But if those people show up tomorrow with broken kneecaps and black eyes delivered by one Mr. Bradley, I would not be surprised. Sure, Milton Bradley's lack of effort and general surliness got him kicked out of Montreal. And Cleveland. And Los Angeles. And Oakland. And San Diego. The point is, he's poised for a big year. If an angry loose cannon who shoots first and doesn't bother asking questions at all can't succeed in the grand state of Texas, where can he succeed?

Alright, now that I've written that, can you please let my family go, Mr. Bradley?

How Did I Wind Up Drafting Gerald Laird?: C Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Most people know Saltalamacchia as the hotshot catching prospect that was the crown jewel of the Mark Teixeira trade last season. That still leaves a lot of people that don't really know how to pronounce this guy's name, as Jarrod follows in the footsteps of the greats to come before him, such as Andres Galarraga and TJ Houshmandzadeh. This will most likely lead to a bunch of people accidentally drafting Gerald Laird in Fantasy Baseball drafts when they can't pronounce "Saltalamacchia" and just say they want to pick "That guy that catches for the Rangers". Adding "You know, that Jarrod guy" won't help much either, since Jarrod and Gerald sound pretty much the same when said out loud.

Please Let Them Have Lockers Next To Each Other: Frank Francisco and Milton Bradley - Frank Francisco gets his kicks by chucking chairs at people in the stands. Milton Bradley gets his kicks throwing everything that's not bolted down in the dugout at anyone that crosses his path. Further reading of their profiles over at Baseball Prospectus shows that they both enjoy throwing orphans under passing trains, beating up old people and peeing on sidewalks. Putting the both of them in the same clubhouse will be nothing short of genius.

FOR MORE READING
Baseball Time in Arlington

TMS MLB Preview '08 - AL Central

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. Today we look at the AL Central. Chaim, LB, Daft Funk, The Hundley and myself will be breaking down all 5 teams.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

1. DETROIT TIGERS by Lingering Bursitis
2007: 88-74 (2nd)

So Long: P Jose Capellan, 1B Sean Casey, P Chad Durbin, SS Omar Infante, OF Cameron Maybin, SS Neifi Perez

Welcome: P Denny Bautista, 3B Miguel Cabrera, OF Jacque Jones, P Dontrelle Willis

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Curtis Granderson CF
2. Placido Polanco 2B
3. Gary Sheffield DH
4. Magglio Ordonez RF
5. Miguel Cabrera 3B
6. Carlos Guillen 1B
7. Edgar Renteria SS
8. Ivan Rodriguez C
9. Jacque Jones LF

Starting Rotation - Justin Verlander, Jeremy Bonderman, Dontrelle Willis, Kenny Rogers, Nate Robertson
Setup - Fernando Rodney
Closer - Todd Jones

I don't really like the Detroit Tigers. There's something about the connection between the Motor City and wild cats that unnerves me, much like the time I got duped into watching "Running with Scissors". What the fuck was that shit about anyway?

So, moving on, the Tigers probably like to run with scissors, and I reckon they'll run a train through the AL Central. Their wheeling-dealing ways has brought them the two biggest Marlins assets (besides Hanley Ramirez), and they still have an irritatingly-balanced collection of young talent (Granderson, Verlander, Bonderman) and seasoned, productive veterans (Guillen, Sheffield, Ordonez, Polanco) to get good results.

The back end of their rotation is a little questionable, and their closer is so fucking old. No joke there, he's just really fucking old and his ERA is climbing higher than his cholesterol. However, with a lineup like that, with stratospheric OBPs and the addition of Miguel "Empanada" Cabrera raking in the #5 spot, there will be little need for Todd Jones and his mustachioed chicanery on the mound.

Seriously though, fuck this team. They'll win 90 games, most of them with big scores, but get swallowed up in the playoffs when the bats cool down.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 3B Miguel Cabrera - Um, he's 24, he's a little tubby, but he plays a decent third base and cannot. stop. fucking. hitting. Baseball Reference compares him to Hank Aaron and Ken Griffey Jr at this age, and it's hard to dispute it, averaging 31 HR, 118 RBI, a .313 BA and .388 OBP through just 4 1/2 seasons in the majors. Fuck. Gary Sheffield can go suck a cock if he thinks he's the alpha dog on this roster any more. They don't need his whining ways. Cabrera's sexy now.

I think that I piss excellence, but mostly I just piss: OF Jacque Jones - Jesus Christ. To think this hapless fuck has swanned his way onto another team on the way up is to not think at all. How did he parlay two mediocre seasons with our lot into a contract with Detroit? He plays a lot of games, has a terrible outfield arm, can't hit a lefty to save his life, and now he'll earn a pretty penny to platoon in left with Marcus Thames. It's just good to know there's a weak link on this team, and he's not named Brandon Inge.

Potential Scapegoat: RP Joel Zumaya - He's the key to a bullpen that's pretty shit. You've got Fernando Rodney who can throw hard, you've got Jones who can just about throw, then you have a mish-mash of AA- and AAA-relievers who haven't really found their feet in the majors yet (punished steroid user Francisco Cruceta, Yorman "Small Sample Size" Bazardo, Zach Miner, former Cub prospect Clay Rapada, Jason "Average" Grilli, Macay "Uncontrollable" McBride, Tim "Who?" Byrdak, Jordan "Titties" Tata, and Bobby Seay). Plus, you just signed Denny Bautista. The dude's "pitched" for Baltimore, Kansas City, and Colorado. 'Nuff said.

So, if Zumaya plays too much Rock Band and the Tigers lose the use of his 100mph fastball for any period of time and their season goes to shit, look no further for the root cause of evil, syphillis, ebola, the Great Depression and the death of New Coke. Joel will have to answer for all of it.

FOR MORE READING
Roar of the Tigers
TigerBlog
Tiger Tales


2. CLEVELAND INDIANS by Daft Funk
2007: 96-66 (1st)

SO LONG: P Keith Foulke, 3B Chris Gomez, OF Kenny Lofton, OF Trot Nixon

WELCOME: IF Jamey Carroll, P Brendan Donnelly, P Jorge Julio, P Masahide Kobayashi, OF Jason Tyner

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Grady Sizemore CF
2. Asdrubal Cabrera 2B
3. Travis Hafner DH
4. Victor Martinez C
5. Casey Blake 3B
6. Ryan Garko 1B
7. Jhonny Peralta SS
8. Franklin Gutierrez RF
9. David Dellucci LF

Starting Rotation - C.C. Sabathia, Fausto Carmona, Jake Westbrook, Paul Byrd, Aaron Laffey
Setup - Rafael Betancourt, Jorge Julio, Rafael Perez, Masahide Kobayashi
Closer - Joe Borowski

With a young team playing for cheap over the next few years, Cleveland looked like a new AL Central dynasty at the end of last season. The fact that they took the eventual World Series champs to the brink of elimination only strengthened their case for being a force in the AL and World Series contenders in 2008.

Then Detroit traded for Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. Now the Indians seem to be fighting for the Wild Card.

This whole "No respect" thing is played far too often in sports, but in Cleveland's case, I think it's true. After the Cabrera/Willis trade, everyone and their mother wrote off everyone else in the Central. But if you think about it, Detroit might not want to start printing up Division Champ t-shirts just yet. Sure, dropping an MVP-in-waiting player like Cabrera into an already stacked Tigers lineup is huge, but Detroit had no problem scoring runs last year. They didn't have the pitching to win the division, and Cleveland has it in spades. With the two-headed beast of Sabathia and Carmona leading the way, a lights-out bullpen (aside from Borowski, that is), and bats that can hang with Detroit in a short series, Cleveland may actually have a better shot at the Central than anyone else.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: The City of Cleveland - Face it, haters, Cleveland is on the upswing in a big way. Remember all those years ago when Drew Carey was on TV and every week the Presidents of the United States of America had to remind us that "Cleveland Rocks"? Well it may have taken about 10 years to happen, but Cleveland is rockin' again. The Indians are poised for a huge season, the Browns are relevant again, the Presidents have a new album coming out next month, and King James is holding court in the NBA. Plus, who doesn't want to 'Flee to the Cleve'? When someone asks you "What's that smell?", you can confidently tell them "Cleveland".

Hey, Aren't You Ray King?: SP C.C. Sabathia - C.C. Sabathia may be the only player to win a Cy Young award and the International Federation of Competitive Eating Overall Championship in the same year. Tipping the scales at close to 300 pounds, Sabathia, along with fellow Husky-section shopper Miguel Cabrera, can assure that the AL Central will certainly be a top-heavy division. Get it? Top heavy? Because they're really fat?

Awww...Fuck You!: DH Travis Hafner - Mention Hafner to any of his owners in Fantasy Baseball leagues last year, and that's the reaction you'll most likely get. Proving to be injury prone and a 2nd round bust last year, Hafner needs to have a rebound year or the Indians may do something bad to him. Like sell him all of their land for cheap.

FOR MORE READING
TeePee Talk
Indians Journal


3. MINNESOTA TWINS by Chip Wesley
2007: 79-83 (3rd)

SO LONG: SS Jason Bartlett, P Matt Garza, OF Torii Hunter, DH Matt LeCroy, P Johan Santana, P Carlos Silva

WELCOME: OF Carlos Gomez, 2B Brendan Harris, P Phillip Humber, OF Craig Monroe, P Kevin Mulvey, OF Delmon Young

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Carlos Gomez CF
2. Joe Mauer C
3. Delmon Young RF
4. Justin Morneau 1B
5. Michael Cuddyer LF
6. Jason Kubel DH
7. Mike Lamb 3B
8. Brendan Harris 2B
9. Adam Everett SS

Starting Rotation - Francisco Liriano, Livan Hernandez, Boof Bonser, Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey
Setup - Juan Rincon, Pat Neshek
Closer - Joe Nathan

There seems to be a split in the Saloon over the Twins this season. Some believe they'll have a rough year as they rebuild post-Johan. Others, like myself feel that they'll be just fine. If any franchise has been able to remarkably do more with less, it's the Twins.

Aside from losing Santana (Obviously a big loss) and Torii Hunter, this team still has a lot to look forward to. Francisco Liriano is coming back after missing last season due to Tommy John surgery. It'll take some time before he can get back into full lights out form, but he's the heir-apparent to Santana's thrown in Minnesota. Delmon Young was acquired in a trade from Tampa Bay and should see some nice pitches while batting between Mauer and Morneau in the lineup.

Will the Twins contend for the division with Detroit and Cleveland? I'm gonna say no. But my money is on them still having a respectable year and at least being better than the White Sox or Royals.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Delmon Young - He was the Mr. ST for Tampa Bay last season and he is once again this season, only for a new team. Looking to put the bat tossing incident behind him, Delmon was a gamer last season, playing in all 162 games in his first full major league season. The 22 year old is only gonna get better.

Throwback Stadiums are so Pre-9/11: The New Twins Ballpark - Have you seen this thing? I say kudos to the designers. The old-timey look fad was getting a little stale at this point, so it's refreshing to see a sleeker, more modern design for the new Twins park. With this park and the giant sailboat Tampa plans to play in, Toronto will be last remaining team to have artificial turf in the majors. Knee cartilage everywhere are rejoicing.

Seems older than Castro: SP Livan Hernandez - This guy is only 33? He's been around forever. Livan takes over for Carlos Silva as guy who somehow eats up innings but doesn't really strike anyone out. One of the most comparable pitchers to Livan at his current age is Daryl Kile, and we all know how that turned out. The Twins better have someone share a room with him on road trips.

FOR MORE READING
Twins Locker
Twinkie Town


4. CHICAGO WHITE SOX by Chaim Witz
2007: 72-90 (4th)

SO LONG: OF Darin Erstad, P Jon Garland, P Mike Myers, P Heath Phillips

WELCOME: SS Orlando Cabrera, P Octavio Dotel, OF Brad Eldred, P Scott Linebrink, OF Carlos Quentin, OF Nick Swisher

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Orlando Cabrera SS
2. Nick Swisher CF
3. Jim Thome DH
4. Paul Konerko 1B
5. Jermaine Dye RF
6. A.J. Pierzynski C
7. Josh Fields 3B
8. Carlos Quentin LF
9. Danny Richar 2B

Starting Rotation - Mark Buehrle, Javier Vazquez, John Danks, Jose Contreras, Gavin Floyd
Setup - Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink
Closer - Bobby Jenks

Although it seems like ages ago that the White Sox were (grimacing) 'World Series Champs', it was only a scant three years ago. They had a fiery manager, a scrappy team and a enthusiastic fan base. Fast forward to present day and they have a jackass manager, a unathletic team and a apathetic fan base. Ah, the fickle 'What have you done for me lately?' mentality rears it's ugly head again.

Will the Sox be 'Back in Black' in 2008? Oh God no. The signings of Orlando Cabrera and Nick Swisher provide decent upgrades at their respective positions, but lets be honest, when you're predecessors are Juan Uribe and Scott Podsednik, you're naturally going to be considered an upgrade. The Sox may win a few more games in 08 than they did last year, and might even surprise a few people initially. But any momentum will surely be undone by a drunken Kenny Williams trade that will set them back another five years.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF Nick Swisher - This is a bit of an oxymoron, since there is really nothing sexy about the South Siders. The closest thing they have is newcomer Nick Swisher, who brings some of that Oakland/'The Hills' vibe to the a fanbase more accustomed to 'sexy' players like Ron Kittle, Harold Baines, and of course, this guy. Interesting sidenote: Saloon bartender The Hundley is actually Nick Swisher's doppelganger. He'll even be the first to admit it.

Overrated, like Lunch: SP Jose Contreras - With the exception of the second half of 2005, when he was arguably the best pitcher in the AL, Contreras has been a trainwreck. He's never lived up the hype, is 'Sam Cassell ugly' and since he's from Cuba, you can probably add about 10 years onto his stated age. Despite all this, expect him to be quite popular again when the trading deadline rolls around. If Kyle Lohse can be cosidered a valuable commodity, why not?

I'm on the 10-Year Prospect Plan: SP Gavin Floyd - emember when the Phillies considered this guy a top prospect? Yep. Pre-9/11. The White Sox apparently haven't turned over their calendar for about 7 years. This guy has gotten more 'this will be the year' touts than Bobby Crosby. Of course Sox fans probably say the same thing about Angel Guzman. Either way, pay no mind and carry on. He's nothing more than a poor man's Brandon McCarthy, and we all know how that turned out.

FOR MORE READING
Black Sox Blog
South Side Sox
The Bard's Room


5. KANSAS CITY ROYALS by The Hundley
2007: 69-93 (5th)

SO LONG: OF Emil Brown, C Jason LaRue, P Odalis Perez, P David Riske, OF Reggie Sanders, DH Mike Sweeney, P John Thomson

WELCOME: OF Jose Guillen, P Ron Mahay, P Hideo Nomo, C Miguel Olivo, P Brett Tomko, P Yasuhiko Yabuta

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. David DeJesus CF
2. Mark Grudzielanek 2B
3. Mark Teahen LF
4. Billy Butler DH
5. Alex Gordon 3B
6. Jose Guillen RF
7. John Buck C
8. Ryan Shealy 1B
9. Tony Pena Jr. SS

Starting Rotation - Gil Meche, Brian Bannister, Zack Greinke, Kyle Davies, Jorge de la Rosa
Setup - Joel Peralta, Yasuhiko Yabuta
Closer - Joakim Soria

Raise your hand if you've heard of more than three of the Royal pitchers listed above. Oh, you did? Well, then you're a sabermetrician. And yes, it's possible and/or probable that Brett Tomko might be in the rotation, thus, we'll allow a one pick buffer between Saber-guy and normal baseball fan. What can you say about the Royals? The Little Engine That Could in the MLB? A classic example of why money wins in the game. It seems when they develop some good, young talent, they ultimately get swept up by the Big Boys as was the case with Carlos Beltran and Johnny Damon. Things appear to be looking up for KC once they selected ex-Atlanta Braves exec, Dayton Moore. Moore brought in Gil Meche and signed hot prospect Alex Gordon, as well as bringing in Jose Guillen and Brett Tomko. Sad thing is, they finally started spending some decent money, only to yield the likes of the Tomko and Meche, each of whom have career ERAs hovering around four and an 'arf. Though lets be serious here, this is a team whose 93 losses in '07 broke a string of three straight 100 loss seasons. A dynasty you are not.

Also new to the mix is manager Trey Hillman, who took over for the wildly unfullfilling Buddy Bell, who led the Royals to a workman-like career record of 174-262. Hillman has no big league experience, but has managed minor league teams and also had a successful stint in Japan, managing the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters to back-to-back Pacific League championships in 2006 and 2007.

Let's be realistic, barring an unforseen run, the Royals have no shot at the post-season, and would definitely be considered a success if they finish at or above .500. Playing in what may be the toughest division in baseball, it seems that for the next few seasons, the team will have to grin-and-bear-it, hoping that the Indians and Tigers implode, without the Twins and Sox resurging. Bleak to say the least. Perhaps should be knon as The Blue Jays of the AL Central.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: Tie - This one is a tie. Is this the year that young 3B Alex Gordon finally lives up to the big hype that surrounds him? Or will it be the only thing that gave Royal legend George Brett a run for his money as the hottest thing in KC - the bone-in Kansas City Strip Steak? Tough call on that one, be sure to stay tuned.

Point in their favor: Kaufman Stadium - Located adjacent to Arrowhead Stadium, Royals Satdium is easily accessible and has a pretty dag-gum nice stadium, complete with waterfalls in the outfield and Preparation H dispensers throughout.

FOR MORE READING
Royals Authority
KC's Royal Fan Zone
In Dayton We Trust

Papelbon Gets His Mad Money, Doesn't Bitch About It

Jonathan Papelbon signed a 1 year deal with the Red Sox for a fat $775,000 today. Earlier in the week, Papelbon had told the media that if the Red Sox hadn't shown him the money, he'd be upset.

Am I missing something?

When did it become 'ok' for second year players to complain so much? It seems like it's become the thing to do this year. I don't remember reading anything about this kind of thing in years past. But apparently all the cool kids are doing it. Within the last few weeks, Cole Hamels, Nick Markakis and Prince Fielder have all bitched about not getting as much money as they feel they should.

Is anyone else surprised that BJ Upton took his contract renewal like a man and said that it was a non-issue and just seemed grateful for the fact that he's being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to play a game for a living? I say good for BJ Upton. He gets a gold star. Same with Hanley Ramirez.

Look guys, I understand where you're coming from. I know it's not about the money, it's about the respect of having the team pay you as much as you feel you are worth. But what you have to understand is that your teams have no reason to give you more than they need to. They know that they're going to pay for it when you become a free agent. You can at least give them a year or two of bargain prices, right? And if you're going to be mad about not getting the money you think you deserve, at least keep your complaints private. Bitching to people at home about work is normal. Putting it in the press just makes everyone uncomfortable.

Complaining about your contract renewal when you knew darn well that you were probably going to be underpaid...it's the new black.

I'm in town to play the Dolphins you dumb ass

As a Bears fan, let me quote Wes Mantooth:

From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!

TMS MLB Preview '08 - AL East

Just like last season, TMS is previewing the upcoming 2008 baseball season division by division. This year we're starting with the AL East. So strap in and get ready for some of the worst analysis and lack of insight that only we can provide. I hope to have more bartenders involved with future installments. This week only Chaim was kind enough to help me out. I bribed him with toast.

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST

1. BOSTON RED SOX
2007: 96-66 (1st)

So Long: P Matt Clement, P Brendan Donnelly, P Eric Gagne, 1B Eric Hinske

Welcome: 1B Sean Casey, P Bartolo Colon

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Dustin Pedroia 2B
2. Kevin Youkilis 1B
3. David Ortiz DH
4. Manny Ramirez LF
5. J.D. Drew RF
6. Jason Varitek C
7. Mike Lowell 3B
8. Coco Crisp/Jacoby Ellsbury CF
9. Julio Lugo SS

Starting Rotation - Josh Beckett, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Tim Wakefield, Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz
Setup - Julian Tavarez, Hideki Okajima
Closer - Jonathan Papelbon

Hey remember when I idiotically picked the Sox to finish 4th last year? No? Oh, well never mind I mentioned it. Anyway while I originally picked them to finish 2nd this season, I was overruled by some other bartenders so here they are, at the top of the AL East. The cock of the walk if you will, emphasis on cock.

OK, so why are they on top? Aside from being the defending champion? Well they did rid themselves of Clement, Gagne, and Hinske, which is some fine addition by subtraction if you ask me. They've got a solid rotation with Beckett and Dice at the top of the rotation and Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz looking to make a name for themselves. The bullpen looks good, although having Pineapple Head Tavarez in a setup role is always a potentially volatile situation. The starting lineup is going to be tough with the exception of Nancy Drew in the 5 spot.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: CF Jacoby Ellsbury - Ellsbury was mentioned in the Santana trade rumors and fans reacted as if the Red Sox were putting their family dog to sleep. Jacoby emerged late last season and unseated Coco Crisp from the CF spot during the playoffs. Ellsbury has since become a cult hero in Boston and favorite with the female fans. Currently ranked as the #2 Boston prospect by Baseball Prospectus, Ellsbury is the first ballplayer of Navajo descent to play in the Major League.

Wake Me When It's My Contract Year: OF J.D. Drew - Seriously, if anyone was going to write their masters thesis on ballplayers magically playing way better then they usually do when they're in a contract year, Drew would be the ultimate case study. Him and about every NBA center.

I Got My Dance Moves From Joakim Noah: RP Jon Papelbon - Seriously, this guy.

FOR MORE READING
Surviving Grady
Out in Center Field


2. NEW YORK YANKEES
2007: 94-68 (2nd)

SO LONG: P T.J. Beam, P Matt DeSalvo, 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, P Ron Villone, P Luis Vizcaino

WELCOME: 3B Morgan Ensberg, P LaTroy Hawkins, OF Jason Lane, P Heath Phillips, 3B Chris Woodward

PROJECTED ORDER
1. Johnny Damon DH
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Bobby Abreu RF
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Hideki Matsui LF
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Jason Giambi 1B
8. Robinson Cano 2B
9. Melky Cabrera CF

Starting Rotation - Chien-Ming Wang, Andy Pettitte, Phil Hughes, Mike Mussina, Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy
Setup - Kyle Farnsworth
Closer - Mariano Rivera

So maybe some of them are old, or a bit overrated, or not the same since they stopped roidin' up. Nonetheless that batting order still makes me poop myself. There's really no discernible way you can pitch around that shit.

The rotation once again has a few question marks as Andy Pettitte and Mike Mussina are just about ready to get their AARP cards, and it remains to be seen what Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, and Ian Kennedy can do over the course of a full season.

Oh yeah, there's also that new guy in the dugout. Certainly familiar to us Cub fans, Joe Girardi comes in as the new skip. Girardi's no bullshit attitude 2 years ago in Florida was good enough to whip up a bunch of ragtag youngsters to a near .500 record. We'll see what kind of impact he'll have with this star-studded team.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: RP Joba Chamberlain - Joba is probably the biggest X factor this season. He's training as a starter this spring, but it's likely he'll start the season as a reliever to limit the number of innings he throws this season. In the bullpen or in the rotation, the amount of buzz around this kid is pretty intense. Also his dad was born on a Winnebago Indian reservation. Apparently the Mr. Sexy Times can only have Native American connections.

The Walking Oxymoron, a Likable Yankee: 2B Robinson Cano - Let's face it, you can name off most of the Yankees starting lineup and there's at least a 50/50 chance that each name will invoke negative feelings from folks. Robinson Cano is the exception. If you say Robinson Cano, most people will say, "Yeah, he's alright." Cano is like nachos. Honestly, who the hell has anything against nachos?

Overrated, Like Belgium: OF Johnny Damon - I'm not saying he sucks but with the decline of Jim Edmonds he clearly takes the top spot of most overrated outfielder in the majors.

FOR MORE READING
Paul Katcher
Lady at the Bat


3. TORONTO BLUE JAYS
2007: 83-79 (3rd)

SO LONG: 3B Troy Glaus, P Josh Towers

WELCOME: C Rod Barajas, P Shawn Camp, OF Buck Coats, SS David Eckstein, P Ryan Ketchner, P John Parrish, 3B Scott Rolen, SS Marco Scutaro, OF Shannon Stewart

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. David Eckstein SS
2. Alex Rios RF
3. Vernon Wells CF
4. Frank Thomas DH
5. Lyle Overbay 1B
6. Scott Rolen 3B
7. Aaron Hill 2B
8. Adam Lind LF
9. Gregg Zaun C

Starting Rotation - Roy Halladay, A.J. Burnett, Shaun Marcum, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch
Setup - Scott Downs, Jason Frasor, Casey Janssen
Closer - Jeremy Accardo, B.J. Ryan

Poor Toronto. Just being in Canada automatically makes them somewhat irrelevant to most Americans, but then they have to be in the same division with New York and Boston. The good news is they definitely have a leg up on Tampa Bay and Baltimore. This year, the Blue Jays aim to be the best damn 3rd place team in the league!

Not much has changed this year, except for the left side of the infield, where two former Redbirds have taken over at 3B and SS. Scott Rolen and Scott Rolen's pisspoor attitude were acquired for Troy Glaus and Troy Glaus' shitty batting average, and they also picked up everyone's favorite scrappy shortstop David Eckstein. I've come to realize that when the word scrappy is being thrown around a lot, it means said player is probably scrawny and not as good as we think/hope they are. For example, Ryan Theriot is scrappy. This blog is also probably scrappy.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: 3B Scott Rolen - Your incessant whining got you exiled to Canada. Way to go. Also playing on that great artificial turf will do wonders for your nagging injuries. Dumbass. Also Scott Rolen gave blankets infected with smallpox to Native Americans.

I'll Go Up There and Hit the Ball, And Then Someone Can Run the Bases For Me: DH Frank Thomas - Dude hasn't even stepped on a field to play defense in nearly 4 years. He did leg out 30 doubles last season. I'll just assume they were all ground-rule.

Underrated, Like British Women: SP Dustin McGowan - People seem to have a boner for this kid. His numbers after the All-Star Break last year (3.67 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, and .217 BAA) definitely justify the "Prospect Priapism".

FOR MORE READING
All Your Base Are Belong to Rios
Drunk Jays Fans
The Tao of Stieb


4. TAMPA BAY RAYS
2007: 66-96 (5th)

SO LONG: P Shawn Camp, OF Elijah Dukes, SS Brendan Harris, OF Delmon Young

WELCOME: SS Jason Bartlett, P Mike DiFelice, OF Cliff Floyd, P Matt Garza, 1B Eric Hinske, P Trever Miller, P Troy Percival

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. B.J. Upton CF
2. Carl Crawford LF
3. Rocco Baldelli RF
4. Carlos Pena 1B
5. Jonny Gomes DH
6. Akinori Iwamura 2B
7. Evan Longoria 3B
8. Jason Bartlett SS
9. Dioner Navarro C

Starting Rotation - Scott Kazmir, James Shields, Matt Garza, Edwin Jackson, Andy Sonnanstine, Jason Hammel
Setup - Al Reyes, Gary Glitter, Dan Wheeler
Closer - Troy Percival

They dropped the "Devil" as well as some of their problem kids and now look like a pristine new team that even Jesus would approve of. Asinine Chip Wesley Prediction #1: The Rays will finish above .500. Hey, why the hell not? They've pieced together enough top prospects together, they're bound to improve eventually right?

**crickets**

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: OF B.J. Upton - This guy was left to wallow in the minors long enough, and finally got his chance to shine last year. Upton certainly didn't disappoint either, batting .300 with 24 HR and 82 RBI in 129 games. While B.J. isn't Native American, he does like to frequent casinos run by them.

Hey Asshole, Didn't You Retire?: RP Troy Percival - When asked why he came back, he said he needed to notch a few more saves to "get back ahead of that son of a bitch Roberto Hernandez on the all-time list again."

I'm Pretty Sure He's Also Having Sex With Tony Parker: 3B Evan Longoria - How the hell can I take you seriously with that name?

FOR MORE READING
DRays Bay
Rays Index
Rays of Light


5. BALTIMORE ORIOLES
2007: 61-101 (5th)

SO LONG: C Paul Bako, P Kris Benson, SS Miguel Tejada

WELCOME: P Matt Albers, P Greg Aquino, P Lance Cormier, P Roberto Novoa, OF Luke Scott, P Steve Trachsel

PROJECTED LINEUP
1. Brian Roberts 2B
2. Luke Scott LF
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Melvin Mora 3B
5. Aubrey Huff 1B
6. Ramon Hernandez C
7. Adam Jones CF
8. Kevin Millar DH
9. Luis Hernandez SS

Starting Rotation - Jeremy Guthrie, Adam Loewen, Daniel Cabrera, Garrett Olson, Matt Albers
Setup - Chad Bradford
Closer - George Sherrill

There are times I look at people and see nothing worth liking. Case in point, this team.

PRESEASON AWARDS
Mr. Sexy Time: The Wire - I don't know, people really seem to love this show, and it takes place in Baltimore. Are there Native Americans in it?

Hopefully He Doesn't End Up Like That Other Adam Jones: OF Adam Jones - At least he just came from Seattle, where "making it rain" probably has a more literal meaning.

Holy Shit, Really?: Davey Johnson - He was manager the last time the O's finished with a winning record. That was 1997.

FOR MORE READING
Oriole Magic
Oriole Post
Camden Chat

Product Watch: The New 'INTANGIBLES' Line Of Video Equipment

Straight cheatin', homey.

Randy Moss was the best free agent on the market this year.

Randy Moss could have received mad money from just about any team that came calling.

Randy Moss decided to return to a Patriots team that will be significantly worse than they were last year.

From ESPN:

Randy Moss' return to the New England Patriots was no sure thing, made evident by the fact the Philadelphia Eagles somehow slipped into the negotiating picture during the past weekend.

But Tim DiPiero, Moss' agent, said in The Boston Globe there were "certain intangibles" that pushed matters in the Patriots' favor.

Intangibles = Knowing what coverage the defense is playing because you taped their last 15 games.

2008 Cubs Forecast: Gazing into Ronald's Crystal (Meth) Ball

Each week, Ronald McDonald will bring you his fearless, if not slightly inebriated Cubs forecast, position by position. His attempts to stay on subject will most likely fail and this experiment will be probably be abandoned quicker than you can say 'mustache diary'. So here we go with a second installment of this wildly unpopular feature.

Player Name: Ryan Theriot
Position: Reverse Cowgirl
Nicknames: The Riot
Hidden Talent: Impersonating Chip Caray, both in the clubhouse and at home with Chip Caray's wife; firewalking.
2007 Stats: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB
2008 Forecast: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB

Overview: Ryan Theriot is a sparkplug. He's the guy that everybody in the clubhouse goes up to and says, "Come here you little fucker", while they give him playful noogies. Ryan doesn't like that.

Growing up in Louisiana, Ryan's youth consisted of playing 'swampball' (which would in turn give him 'swampass') and eating dangerous amounts of jambalaya. He went to college with fellow teammate Mike Fontenot, and some announcers refer to them as the 'Cajun Connection'. Unfortunately, Mike Fontenot's career is on a downward spiral, so the 'Cajun Connection' may soon be a thing of the past, to be remembered alongside other famous duos, such as 'Horny Glen' (Bob Horner and Glen Hubbard) and 'Rape and Pillage' (Jose Mesa and Albert Belle).

Having always been nothing if not consistent, Ryan's 2008 numbers will be identical to last year's, across the board. While some may argue that he needs to take a step forward, I would counter that you should love Ryan Theriot just the way he is, and that he shouldn't change one thing. Which he won't. Plus, the statistical anomaly of having the exact same stats in every category will endear Ryan to Cubs fans forever.

In 2007, fans called for Coach Lou Pinella to 'Start the Riot'. In 2008, The Riot will get out of hand and armed police on horseback be called in. Things will turn ugly and you may be inadvertantly teargassed.

Overrated/Underrated: Appetizer/Side Dishes

As usual, I will state my unfounded opinions as if they were truths. If you're looking for logic behind my reasoning...well, if it's logic you seek, you're probably not a regular reader in the first place. I will cover all forms of appetizers and side dishes. No ethnic food will be left behind. Well, maybe some will. My choices are arbitrary, my decisions final.

Will this finally be the column where I bite off more than I can chew? (Rim shot)

Underrated

Toast: That's right bitch. Toast. 2 slices. The first one is buttered. The second slice, chunky peanut butter for protein and substance. You're ready to dive into another mind numbing work day. Feeling saucy? Try it with some jam (not jelly fool) or cinnamon and sugar. It's not an appetizer, but one could consider it a side dish to a bigger breakfast. Shut your mouth fatboy.

Edamame: It's soy beans, so you're supporting Midwest values. They're healthy too, a rare trait for an appetizer. It's like Chinese peanuts. A little salt on top and you're ready to roll.

Samosa: The Indian crab rangoon, these fried triangle treats are filled with everything you could possibly want out of life. Meat, potatoes, chili powder, onions and peas. Ok, maybe not the peas part. But slap my ass and call me Judy if these things don't make your privates tingle.

Falafel: Bill O'Reilly made it infamous. I'm bringing it mainstream. Try it, seriously. They're like hushpuppies, but green. Based on the little research I've done, they're made from chick peas. Better than dude peas I say.

Chicken Tenders: They've always played second fiddle to the more popular 'wings', but chicken tenders are easier to eat and just as tasty, provided they are hand-breaded. You've got a variety of dipping sauces (ranch, BBQ, etc) at your disposal and if you want, you can order them lathered in buffalo sauce. They work as both an appetizer and a main course, with fries. Those flattened, frozen dinner types don't count. I once beat a waiter to death with one of those.

Goat Cheese: People gasp in dismay and clutch their babies to their chest at the mere mention of goat cheese. Don't be a racist, just try it. Goat cheese, mixed with marinara sauce. Dip some garlic bread or toast points in that shit and it's like the Lord has given you a new lease on life. Where do I sign Lord?

The Forgotten Potatoes: Hash Browns. Mashed Potatoes. Tater tots. Often times these potatoes are assigned specific meals and not allowed to live their lives. Sloppy Joes/Tater Tots. Eggs/Hashbrowns. Steak/Mashed Potatoes. These potatoes should not be pigeonholed. Order tater tots with your breakfast and mashed potatoes with your sandwich. The status quo is overrated. The potato rebellion is at hand. Where will you be?

Naan: Indian bread that is as soft and fluffy. It's like eating a buttery cloud.

Rated Correctly

Crab Rangoons: Deep fried wontons filled with cream cheese and crab? Any time you can deep fry any kind of cheese, you're golden. Add a little crab for class? Mouth orgasm.

Everything Nachos: You really can't beat a giant plate of tortilla chips topped with every topping known to man. Ground beef, chicken, cheese, refried beans, scallions, tomato, onion, lettuce, jalapenos...and a dollop of guacamole and/or sour cream on top. Great for sharing. The one exception is when places use Cheese Whiz as the cheese topper. This effs everything up. The chips get all soggy and the whole middle of the platter turns into a hot, nasty mess that you have to eat with a fork. That's a hassle.

French Fries: They're a staple side dish of every good American sandwich for a reason. Would you like fries with that or our 'homemade chips'? Are you kidding me?

Breadsticks: Hard to go wrong with these, provided they're buttery and you've got some sauce.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip: Once trendy and overrated, this stalwart has held it's own and carved out it's own little identity in the sea of appetizer options.

Overrated

Wings: Wings are fine. I love wing sauce like I love your mother. But c'mon. They're messy, blue cheese is wildly overrated, and they're served with celery. God forbid you accidentally rub your eyes after you eat wings. That kind of searing pain is the equivalent of sports bar waterboarding.

Calamari: Again, nothing wrong with calamari. But only once in my life have I ever had calamari that knocked my dick in the dirt. Most times you eat it and think to yourself, 'Yep. That's calamari.' Nothing more, nothing less.

Kettle Cooked Chips: Since when did these damn things become the side dish of choice at every sandwich shop in the world? Why kettle cooked? What does that even mean? I go to Panera Bread. My options for a side are kettle chips or an apple. What? No. That's just ridiculous.

Quesadillas: See 'calamari'. This is the grilled cheese sandwich of Mexican food.

Antipasto: I'm not entirely sure what this is. Ignorance is bliss. I believe it's an assortment of cured meats, cheeses, olives and peppers, served cold. I see it on every Italian menu and wisely choose to forgo it every time. These seems like something that the hobbits in Lord of the Rings would pack in their knapsacks when preparing for a long journey. "Excuse me Pippin, could you pass me the cured meats, please?"

Onion Rings: Often times too greasy and too slimy, these are just too hard to get a good 'do' on. The worst is when you get the pre-breaded, frozen kind that are 90% soggy breading. To be fair, hand-breaded ones, with nice thick onions, are a different story. One of the few things that taste really good with ketchup.

'Mini' Sandwiches - I'll take 'hearty' over 'cute' thank you.

Eggrolls - Eh. It's an obvious and generic choice. Too often they're soggy and uninspired. Spring rolls on the other hand are borderline underrated. It's all in the wrapping.

Crab Cakes - Kind of like soccer, crab cakes have potential, but have failed to capture America's imagination.

Marquis vs. Piniella II: Out For Blood

Jason Marquis isn't happy. I don't think anyone cares.

Marquis went to the media yesterday and said that, although he loves being in Chicago, he signed there to be a starter and wouldn't mind going somewhere else if he couldn't crack the rotation this year.

When situations like this come up, there are a lot of things said that aren't really being said and mixed messages and vague statements. Luckily I can translate the situation for you.

Marquis: I love Chicago. I definitely want to stay here. This is the place I want to be. I signed here for a reason.
Translation: And that reason was the money. No one else wanted me. I could have easily been the Kyle Lohse of 2007.

Marquis: But I also signed as a starter, and I think that's where I help the team the most.
Translation: Sure that sounds good on paper, but really, who am I kidding? Everyone knows that 80 innings of 5.00 ERA out of the pen is much better than 160 of them as a starter.

Piniella: Well if that's the case, he can go somewhere else.
Translation: Fuck Jason Marquis. Never heard of him.

Piniella: Win a spot in the rotation, you don't have to worry about it.
Translation: I know I can say things like that because Marquis couldn't win a spot in the Pittsburgh rotation.

Some may argue that Marquis and Piniella are idiots for taking these comments public instead of doing everything behind closed doors. After all, if other teams know that the Cubs are desperate to unload a player, they'll never get anything good back in a trade (see: Sosa, Sammy).

To those people I say: What are you smoking? Anyone who thought that the Cubs could get anything more than a low-level prospect for Marquis even before this whole fiasco is not right in the head. If anything, I think that taking this argument public is a good thing. It gives Sweet Lou another chance to show everyone that he is the boss right now and that no one is going to give him any crap.

Apparently Lou made some kind of half-hearted apology to Marquis today. I saw the headline, but I didn't bother reading the article. I don't have to. Any apology that Lou Piniella made to Jason Marquis was strictly for PR purposes. We know who's boss.

And to anyone who thinks that the Cubs should stick Marquis into any trade that happens for Brian Roberts, the Orioles would have to be the worst run team in history to take Marquis right now. So yes, expect to see Marquis in Baltimore this season.

In other news...

- Soriano broke his finger today. I guess he's only supposed to miss a week or so. As long as he doesn't do anything to hurt those quads again, I'll be happy.
- The Cubs are still in the market for both Brian Roberts and Coco Crisp. Coco Crisp? How many outfielders do we need? Are we taking a page out of the Dodger playbook now?
- Add a 3-3 day to Thunder Matt's spring resume. The man is a hitting machine. What happens if Murton tears up Spring Training? Could the Cubs break camp with Fukudome in center and Murton in right? I'd be all for that.
- Prince Fielder is apparently pissed off that the Brewers gave him "only" $600K to play baseball this year. The dude is a selfish player. Remember last August when he was asked what his goal for the season was? Prince said his main goal was to get to 50 home runs because it's something his father never did. A better goal probably would have been "make the playoffs". But that's cool...Prince got his wish. And anything that can make the Brewers' clubhouse a little more dysfunctional than it already was is ok by me.