10.00 -- Oh my lordy lord. We've moved to BBC America, and my roommates are laughing in my face. This is going to be a long hour, if we make it that far.
No-one on this channel pronounces anything like they do. This is hilarious. The new drinking game rules involve drinking games whenever anyone says anything typically "English".
10.05 -- Drink for anything droll that is said. The BBC Correspondent at the Romney camp is a midget stood on phonebooks. Romney's party HQ is playing U2's "Vertigo". I hate him more than I thought I ever could. Fuck Bono, and fuck that song.
HELLLOOO HELLOOOOOO
I'M AT A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO
IT'S EVERYTHING I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW
EXCEPT YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING I COULD FEEEEEEL
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL
Here's the video. Watch it, and then drink a gallon of paint thinner.
10.09 -- Unsurprisingly, BBC America is killing it on actual campaign coverage so far. In the first 10 minutes, we've seen no pundits, heard no bullshit, and just listened to campaign speeches. They're dry, like week-old turkey. And yet, they're a hell of a lot better than the douchebag combover crew that strut around MSNBC like guys who won HS football state titles, and never played again.
Huckabee is talking. He looks like that uncle we all have, the well-dressed one who tells PG-13 stories around the dinner table. I have no idea what this means. I'm just glad that I can't vote.
10.15 -- BBC America has some sweet techno music during their intro/outro music. This wins points.
What loses them points was the Kenny G promo during the last ad break. They can fucking burn in hell for that.
10.17 -- Finally, a delegate count! Eat shit, American news! This is why I read the BBC website and don't watch any of your crap! BECAUSE YOU TELL ME NOTHING! NOOOOTHING!
10.18 -- Philipa Thomas and the worst mustache/tie combo ever in history, on some idiot sat next to her. Name in a minute. Hopefully a picture too. This guy should be a failing magician somewhere.
His name is.......Larry Sabato from the University of Virginia. For any students at that college: SCHEDULE CLASSES WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. He will rock your faces like your significant other never could.
10.23 -- One of the best things about being English is the ability to sound condescending in such a casual fashion. Our perceived superiority is so glorious, as it's thrown into conversation or speech with such little fanfare that it almost slips by, almost like Kevin Nealon's Subliminal Man. He just referred to America's system as being "rather archaic". And you know what? He's dead fucking right.
The BBC guy thinks he's gonna score an interview with Mitt Romney after the break, who is "having an awful campaign day so far".
BBC America: telling it like it motherfucking is. God Save the Queen!
10.32 -- Kim Ghattas. Get some! She's sexier than a dog's rear end.
Romney's HQ is playing "A Little Less Conversation," which is hilarious, but that's exactly what politicians are not good at.
Romney is now talking a lot of bullshit, which is also common for people in his profession. He's doing a good job of saying lots of stuff that doesn't mean anything, much like me in this series of liveblogs.
10.36 -- I miss Campbell Brown. Where is she? I want her back. I long to serenade her with butterfly kisses and sweet clitoral delight. Maybe I'll switch back to CNN when no-one's looking, and revive my imagined love affair.
A fellow bartender just informed me that she was recently pregnant. I do not care. She gave birth a few weeks ago, and she's surely in good enough shape to succumb to my lust. Sorry newborn, those tits are mine now.
In the meantime, Mitt Romney's still talking. I can't stand it. The woman right behind his head needs to stop waving that fucking flag around.
10.41 -- Mitt Romney never changes his speech. He also loves to use the glorious speech device that is epistrophe. He's really good at it. Shame that the things he says are annoying and meaningless.
10.43 -- Time for a 15-minute break! We're all flagging a little bit, so it's time to shotgun a beer and listen to Rage Against the Machine for a quarter-hour.
As for results? Fuck if I know what's actually happening. Go to CNN.com. Maybe they have more pictures of Campbell Brown there.
Shit, I might just do the same! See you at 11, when we maybe go back to CNN, and I can continue this weird, non-sequitur discussion of Campbell Brown's statuesque beauty!
SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 9pm - 10pm
February 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous
9.00 -- Well, now we're on FOX News, and the results are already retarded across the board. We've instantly noticed how much more unflattering the portraits and snapshots are for the candidates. Hillary Clinton looks like an 80-year-old mental patient, for example. The graphics are crappier, looking positively cable-access compared to CNN's vast array of touch-screens and hi-tech bollocks.
They have a much smaller studio, and so far, it's only men delivering the facts to us, including some Norm McDonald-looking motherfucker in Tempe [pronounced by him as "Tempeeeeee"].
9.05 -- FOX is, unsurprisingly, terrible. It's all white folk in their 50s, all men, aside from one token black guy and one token woman who is dressed in the reddest blouse ever. I imagine their use will boil down to: "Hey, let's talk about Barack. Black guy, what do you think?"
That's the kind of amazing coverage we can expect from the retard network.
9.08 -- I fucking hate this hour. New drinking game rule: drink whenever a minority analyst or a woman is allowed to speak.
Clinton bagged Tennessee and Oklahoma, and now New Jersey. She's ahead in MA and MO by a decent amount so far.
I hate FOX News. Their correspondent in McCain's party HQ looks like a Duracell battery. Would it kill this channel to have a female reporter?
Their graphics are still woefully terrible. SNL has better graphics, for fuck's sake.
9.13 -- Yep. 13 minutes was all it took for us to change the channel. MSNBC now, because FOX News is like listening to my father. Worse, probably my grandfather.
Problem is we're stuck with the Sandwich-smuggling Chris Matthews, who is the loudest, most annoying person on TV besides Tucker Carlson, who is also on MSNBC, I'm pleased to report. I think we'll get on better with this channel because it's not named FOX News.
Their graphics are so sophisticated, with lots of bad graphics of Greek columns behind their number counts. I think they figured out that Greece was where democracy was born. Win for them!
New drinking game rules: every time Chris Matthews says something retarded, you drink at least a 5-count, then smash the bottle over your head. It's better than listening to him.
9.14 -- Tom Brokaw in the studio as well? Fuck. Bring back FOX News! [not really]
NEW DRINKING GAME RULE: drink at least half your beer every time Ron Paul is mentioned. We casually assume it won't be much.
9.17 -- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now Keith Olbermann? I repeat: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least their intro/outro music is better, more respectful. It's like Sousa rose from the dead and learned how to create .wav files.
9.21 -- MSNBC doesn't believe in women either. Their picture of Hillary is fucking frightening. She looks like a hyena on ecstasy. And don't question me on that image. I've seen what that looks like.
9.23 -- MSNBC is all middle-aged man with the right-to-left combover. Also, don't listen to this asshole, Chuck Todd, when he talks. He's an idiot.
9.26 -- Someone just said the word "punditocracy". Fuck. That's an awesome word. Holy shit. We're finishing our beers for that. Obama also fucking destroyed Clinton in Alabama. Two huge southern states, Alabama and Georgia, and both were overwhelmingly Obama Country. This bodes well.
AND we hear the word triumvirate! Goddamn, these MSNBC bastards know how to work the dictionary.
9.27 -- Howard Fineman from Newsweek is the fellow with the big lingo. I'd love to meet him just to hear him talk, but the shit-eating grin he wears is grounds for punching him in the face. Oh well.
EVERYONE on this channel has the right-to-left combover. Olbermann. Matthews. Fineman. Todd. The stylist for MSNBC is getting an easy fucking paycheck every week.
9.37 -- Add Joe Scarborough to that combover All-Star Team. He's a fucking douche as well.
UH OH... LOOK OUT! Pat Buchanan is here! His combover goes the same way, but man, is he fucking entertaining. Everyone's favourite confused, miserable old fuck!
There's a lady on the panel, the first we've seen talking in 25 minutes on any network. Alas, she has the left-to-right combover, thus losing at life.
9.43 -- Apologies that this is getting less and less insightful [not that it was particularly insightful to begin with]. I'm about 18 beers deep now [spread out over the course of the day, mind you, with appropriate bathroom breaks and hearty meals], but the beer consumption has raced up since 8pm thanks to the wonderful drinking games and the glorious predictability of the analysts and news channels to play right into our hands.
Clinton has been killing the early states [OK, NY, AR, TN, NJ, MA and MO], but Obama is taking his shit too [GA, IL, CT, KS, ID, ND, MN]. It's a heck of a race, to this point. I have no fucking idea how the breakdown of delegates would go if all these numbers and calls hold up. That's what actual news is for. I'm just a drunk Englishman in a loft in Harlem. I am no news network, alas, although I'd do a better job of news than FOX News has so far.
The Republican race is crazy, interesting and tight, much like a 18-year-old Courtney Love's pussy [I'd imagine].
9.53 -- MSNBC has the Best Exit Poll [drink] display. It looks like a phantom slab of crystal, but it's all CGI shit! Amazing! Eat a dick, George Lucas! You're not the only one who can use fancy graphic techniques to pointless effect!
ANOTHER right-to-left combover. Fuck. FOX News still wins for having the most status quo glass ceiling. No ladies or minorities, there.
David Gregory, the monkey-esque new combover guy. Good for him. How old is this guy? He looks young and playful, but his hair suggests retirement.
OMG, polls to close in Utah soon! Expect no surprises from those idiots!
They have a much smaller studio, and so far, it's only men delivering the facts to us, including some Norm McDonald-looking motherfucker in Tempe [pronounced by him as "Tempeeeeee"].
9.05 -- FOX is, unsurprisingly, terrible. It's all white folk in their 50s, all men, aside from one token black guy and one token woman who is dressed in the reddest blouse ever. I imagine their use will boil down to: "Hey, let's talk about Barack. Black guy, what do you think?"
That's the kind of amazing coverage we can expect from the retard network.
9.08 -- I fucking hate this hour. New drinking game rule: drink whenever a minority analyst or a woman is allowed to speak.
Clinton bagged Tennessee and Oklahoma, and now New Jersey. She's ahead in MA and MO by a decent amount so far.
I hate FOX News. Their correspondent in McCain's party HQ looks like a Duracell battery. Would it kill this channel to have a female reporter?
Their graphics are still woefully terrible. SNL has better graphics, for fuck's sake.
9.13 -- Yep. 13 minutes was all it took for us to change the channel. MSNBC now, because FOX News is like listening to my father. Worse, probably my grandfather.
Problem is we're stuck with the Sandwich-smuggling Chris Matthews, who is the loudest, most annoying person on TV besides Tucker Carlson, who is also on MSNBC, I'm pleased to report. I think we'll get on better with this channel because it's not named FOX News.
Their graphics are so sophisticated, with lots of bad graphics of Greek columns behind their number counts. I think they figured out that Greece was where democracy was born. Win for them!
New drinking game rules: every time Chris Matthews says something retarded, you drink at least a 5-count, then smash the bottle over your head. It's better than listening to him.
9.14 -- Tom Brokaw in the studio as well? Fuck. Bring back FOX News! [not really]
NEW DRINKING GAME RULE: drink at least half your beer every time Ron Paul is mentioned. We casually assume it won't be much.
9.17 -- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now Keith Olbermann? I repeat: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least their intro/outro music is better, more respectful. It's like Sousa rose from the dead and learned how to create .wav files.
9.21 -- MSNBC doesn't believe in women either. Their picture of Hillary is fucking frightening. She looks like a hyena on ecstasy. And don't question me on that image. I've seen what that looks like.
9.23 -- MSNBC is all middle-aged man with the right-to-left combover. Also, don't listen to this asshole, Chuck Todd, when he talks. He's an idiot.
9.26 -- Someone just said the word "punditocracy". Fuck. That's an awesome word. Holy shit. We're finishing our beers for that. Obama also fucking destroyed Clinton in Alabama. Two huge southern states, Alabama and Georgia, and both were overwhelmingly Obama Country. This bodes well.
AND we hear the word triumvirate! Goddamn, these MSNBC bastards know how to work the dictionary.
9.27 -- Howard Fineman from Newsweek is the fellow with the big lingo. I'd love to meet him just to hear him talk, but the shit-eating grin he wears is grounds for punching him in the face. Oh well.
EVERYONE on this channel has the right-to-left combover. Olbermann. Matthews. Fineman. Todd. The stylist for MSNBC is getting an easy fucking paycheck every week.
9.37 -- Add Joe Scarborough to that combover All-Star Team. He's a fucking douche as well.
UH OH... LOOK OUT! Pat Buchanan is here! His combover goes the same way, but man, is he fucking entertaining. Everyone's favourite confused, miserable old fuck!
There's a lady on the panel, the first we've seen talking in 25 minutes on any network. Alas, she has the left-to-right combover, thus losing at life.
9.43 -- Apologies that this is getting less and less insightful [not that it was particularly insightful to begin with]. I'm about 18 beers deep now [spread out over the course of the day, mind you, with appropriate bathroom breaks and hearty meals], but the beer consumption has raced up since 8pm thanks to the wonderful drinking games and the glorious predictability of the analysts and news channels to play right into our hands.
Clinton has been killing the early states [OK, NY, AR, TN, NJ, MA and MO], but Obama is taking his shit too [GA, IL, CT, KS, ID, ND, MN]. It's a heck of a race, to this point. I have no fucking idea how the breakdown of delegates would go if all these numbers and calls hold up. That's what actual news is for. I'm just a drunk Englishman in a loft in Harlem. I am no news network, alas, although I'd do a better job of news than FOX News has so far.
The Republican race is crazy, interesting and tight, much like a 18-year-old Courtney Love's pussy [I'd imagine].
9.53 -- MSNBC has the Best Exit Poll [drink] display. It looks like a phantom slab of crystal, but it's all CGI shit! Amazing! Eat a dick, George Lucas! You're not the only one who can use fancy graphic techniques to pointless effect!
ANOTHER right-to-left combover. Fuck. FOX News still wins for having the most status quo glass ceiling. No ladies or minorities, there.
David Gregory, the monkey-esque new combover guy. Good for him. How old is this guy? He looks young and playful, but his hair suggests retirement.
OMG, polls to close in Utah soon! Expect no surprises from those idiots!
SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 8pm - 9pm
February 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous
Well, it's finally here. I, Lingering Bursitis, your trusty bartender for the democratic force of Primaries, and picking who you like best based on things you care about.
Small backhistory: I'm about 11 beers in, thanks to a steady day of gentle ale quaffing. Food has been ordered, the TV is tuned to CNN for this hour, and every hour I'll be switching to a different channel to make fun of their coverage. So, for the time being, we're stuck with Wolf Blitzer's depressing, stuttering mess, and the self-trumpeted "Best Political Team on Television." I have a couple of my roommates with me, and together, we shall guide you through this quagmire. No cutting and running here [groan], I promise.
Without further ado.... drinking game rules!
Drink 1 for the following word of phrases:
- "The Best Political Team on Television"
- "Exit Poll"
- "Missoura"
- "Evangelical"
- Any time Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer pulls out an SAT II word like preponderous [said approx 11 minutes ago]
On the Democratic side, according to these exit polls [drink] so far:
Obama's won Illinois and Georgia.
Hillary snagged Oklahoma.
For Republicans:
Huckabee won West Virginia.
McCain has Connecticut and Illinois.
Romney snoozed through Massachusetts.
8.09 -- they're projecting that New Jersey belongs to John McCain. Thanks, you salami-chompers! You've voted for the jowliest man in the world.
I wish I could curl up with new CNN anchor-lady Campbell Brown [not a particularly sexy name], and listen to books on tape while feeding her organic fruit. She's delicious looking [she's the one next to Chevy Chase].
8.10 --Fuck! She's married. Curse the gods!
The Georgia race is interesting on the Republican side, as all three candidates have a fair shout there. The religious counties to the south love themselves some Huckabee, the military areas love McCain, and the annoying douchebags love them some Romney.
Meanwhile, Obama's dickstomping Hillary in Georgia.
They're also talking a lot about superdelegates. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I imagine that it's a self-nominated title, thrown about by the saddest, loneliest of folk. The kind of person who goes to bars alone and sits at the corner of the bar, eating beer nuts, hoping that people that are forced to sit either side of them will engage them in conversation.
8.12 -- Well, Wikipedia cleaned that mess up.
8.13 -- Wikipedia ruins things sometimes. I enjoyed my definition better. Much darker, much more literary and suited to TV and film. Bastards.
8.16 -- CNN sure spends a lot of money on TVs and touch-screens. They're distracting from what was just a good little debate from their current quartet. I wonder how often the quartet tags out... seems that they have about 8 folks who rotate through their little nook of the studio.
8.17 -- Fuck. CNN's graphics/sound package is overwhelming. To quote a friend, "We just got AK'd by Stars and bass drum." Note to TV news producers: adding lots of bass drum tones to your graphics doesn't automatically make it more important.
8.19 -- I realize that I'm on the East Coast, hence my time notations. Deal with it. I also realize I haven't really said anything profound about politics yet. You can fucking deal with that too.
8.20 -- This drinking game is killing me. I fully expect to have lost command of the English language by the time California closes its polls. I hope all our CA-based bartenders voted for the right people [aka the ones I like]. If they didn't, I will visit them all one-by-one and bring the pain via a series of painful, heavy blows with an axe. That's fucking democracy!
8.24 -- Obama's supporters just drowned Suzanne Malveaux out. Meanwhile, John McCain's party HQ is playing "Up on the Roof" in the background while Dana [pronounced "Danna"] Bash speaks. One wonders alone if this is a subtle Hurricane Katrina reference.
8.26 -- Fuck. I want to go on a diving trip between Campbell Brown's firm, milky thighs. She's soft, but strong. Like good-quality toilet paper. I would give about $50 to have a chance to kiss her. Delicious. She's "watching the numbers", and meanwhile, I am lustily watching her.
8.27 -- Huckabee's campaign HQ is playing some slow, agonized blues music. It's so appropriate, it hurts. HOLY SHIT, ARKANSAS'S CLOSING THEIR POLLS IN 3 MINUTES! I wonder who will win that shit. You figure Hillary and Huckabee.
8.30 -- I was right! Wolf Blitzer never fails to speak the obvious. "You figure Huckabee and Clinton would be deeply embarrassed to lose Arkansas, a state they've both spent a lot of time." No shit, buddy.
8.31 -- I find it hilarious that in terms of color-coding used on CNN, Mitt Romney drew the color dark brown, while Huckabee gets light pink. Begin Reservoir Dogs and/or scatalogical jokes immediately.
8.33 -- Fuck! Stop saying Exit Polls! I can't feel my left leg!
8.38 -- I'm going to try and slow down just a little, because I know you all hate reading. Obama is raping Hillary [yes, that's right, by a factor of 4] in Alabama; I am playing Rage Against the Machine every half-hour just to remind me of what tonight's all about: saying fuck you to the man. Or something.
8.45 -- Oh snap. Jowly McJowl wins Delaware. Delaware is famous for two things: Dogfish Head beers, and oh, being the first state. It was also the place where Gebhart v. Belton happened, one of the four court cases that eventually bloomed into Brown v. Board of Education. I have no idea where I'm going with that! Drink!
8.53 -- Blitzer said we have a "potential bonanza of delegates" getting announced at 9pm. Which sounds great!
Also, CNN has a blog expert? And she's petite, English, and has unusually dark hair? I need to know what the fuck that's about. However, in 6 minutes, we're changing channel, so who the fuck knows. That means new drinking game rules!
8.57 -- Paul Begala supports Hillary. That means he's a douche. I wish he'd shut up now. Only 3 minutes until we switch to FOX News, and that's when the fun really happens. That's when I begin self-mutilation and shove kitchen knives in my ears to prevent their prejudiced bullshit from getting in.
Small backhistory: I'm about 11 beers in, thanks to a steady day of gentle ale quaffing. Food has been ordered, the TV is tuned to CNN for this hour, and every hour I'll be switching to a different channel to make fun of their coverage. So, for the time being, we're stuck with Wolf Blitzer's depressing, stuttering mess, and the self-trumpeted "Best Political Team on Television." I have a couple of my roommates with me, and together, we shall guide you through this quagmire. No cutting and running here [groan], I promise.
Without further ado.... drinking game rules!
Drink 1 for the following word of phrases:
- "The Best Political Team on Television"
- "Exit Poll"
- "Missoura"
- "Evangelical"
- Any time Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer pulls out an SAT II word like preponderous [said approx 11 minutes ago]
On the Democratic side, according to these exit polls [drink] so far:
Obama's won Illinois and Georgia.
Hillary snagged Oklahoma.
For Republicans:
Huckabee won West Virginia.
McCain has Connecticut and Illinois.
Romney snoozed through Massachusetts.
8.09 -- they're projecting that New Jersey belongs to John McCain. Thanks, you salami-chompers! You've voted for the jowliest man in the world.
I wish I could curl up with new CNN anchor-lady Campbell Brown [not a particularly sexy name], and listen to books on tape while feeding her organic fruit. She's delicious looking [she's the one next to Chevy Chase].
8.10 --Fuck! She's married. Curse the gods!
The Georgia race is interesting on the Republican side, as all three candidates have a fair shout there. The religious counties to the south love themselves some Huckabee, the military areas love McCain, and the annoying douchebags love them some Romney.
Meanwhile, Obama's dickstomping Hillary in Georgia.
They're also talking a lot about superdelegates. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I imagine that it's a self-nominated title, thrown about by the saddest, loneliest of folk. The kind of person who goes to bars alone and sits at the corner of the bar, eating beer nuts, hoping that people that are forced to sit either side of them will engage them in conversation.
8.12 -- Well, Wikipedia cleaned that mess up.
8.13 -- Wikipedia ruins things sometimes. I enjoyed my definition better. Much darker, much more literary and suited to TV and film. Bastards.
8.16 -- CNN sure spends a lot of money on TVs and touch-screens. They're distracting from what was just a good little debate from their current quartet. I wonder how often the quartet tags out... seems that they have about 8 folks who rotate through their little nook of the studio.
8.17 -- Fuck. CNN's graphics/sound package is overwhelming. To quote a friend, "We just got AK'd by Stars and bass drum." Note to TV news producers: adding lots of bass drum tones to your graphics doesn't automatically make it more important.
8.19 -- I realize that I'm on the East Coast, hence my time notations. Deal with it. I also realize I haven't really said anything profound about politics yet. You can fucking deal with that too.
8.20 -- This drinking game is killing me. I fully expect to have lost command of the English language by the time California closes its polls. I hope all our CA-based bartenders voted for the right people [aka the ones I like]. If they didn't, I will visit them all one-by-one and bring the pain via a series of painful, heavy blows with an axe. That's fucking democracy!
8.24 -- Obama's supporters just drowned Suzanne Malveaux out. Meanwhile, John McCain's party HQ is playing "Up on the Roof" in the background while Dana [pronounced "Danna"] Bash speaks. One wonders alone if this is a subtle Hurricane Katrina reference.
8.26 -- Fuck. I want to go on a diving trip between Campbell Brown's firm, milky thighs. She's soft, but strong. Like good-quality toilet paper. I would give about $50 to have a chance to kiss her. Delicious. She's "watching the numbers", and meanwhile, I am lustily watching her.
8.27 -- Huckabee's campaign HQ is playing some slow, agonized blues music. It's so appropriate, it hurts. HOLY SHIT, ARKANSAS'S CLOSING THEIR POLLS IN 3 MINUTES! I wonder who will win that shit. You figure Hillary and Huckabee.
8.30 -- I was right! Wolf Blitzer never fails to speak the obvious. "You figure Huckabee and Clinton would be deeply embarrassed to lose Arkansas, a state they've both spent a lot of time." No shit, buddy.
8.31 -- I find it hilarious that in terms of color-coding used on CNN, Mitt Romney drew the color dark brown, while Huckabee gets light pink. Begin Reservoir Dogs and/or scatalogical jokes immediately.
8.33 -- Fuck! Stop saying Exit Polls! I can't feel my left leg!
8.38 -- I'm going to try and slow down just a little, because I know you all hate reading. Obama is raping Hillary [yes, that's right, by a factor of 4] in Alabama; I am playing Rage Against the Machine every half-hour just to remind me of what tonight's all about: saying fuck you to the man. Or something.
8.45 -- Oh snap. Jowly McJowl wins Delaware. Delaware is famous for two things: Dogfish Head beers, and oh, being the first state. It was also the place where Gebhart v. Belton happened, one of the four court cases that eventually bloomed into Brown v. Board of Education. I have no idea where I'm going with that! Drink!
8.53 -- Blitzer said we have a "potential bonanza of delegates" getting announced at 9pm. Which sounds great!
Also, CNN has a blog expert? And she's petite, English, and has unusually dark hair? I need to know what the fuck that's about. However, in 6 minutes, we're changing channel, so who the fuck knows. That means new drinking game rules!
8.57 -- Paul Begala supports Hillary. That means he's a douche. I wish he'd shut up now. Only 3 minutes until we switch to FOX News, and that's when the fun really happens. That's when I begin self-mutilation and shove kitchen knives in my ears to prevent their prejudiced bullshit from getting in.
Proposition Man-Hug
February 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
Today is Super Tuesday, and there is a very important question that we all have to answer as American Citizens:
Can the "man-hug" replace the handshake as the preferred way for men to greet each other?
Now years ago, this would be a preposterous claim to make, one that could get you thrown in the stocks with a fresh coat of tar and feathers. The man-hug has long been frowned upon. Why would a man embrace another man in a hug when he could just as easily shake his hand and keep him at arm's length? What if this man is trying to kill me? Surely I don't want to expose my back to a man that may or may not have reason to stick a knife in it!
Part of the reason the man-hug has gotten such a bad rap is for ones that look like this or this. Society has long believed that the man-hug was somehow homosexual in nature and the handshake reigned supreme.
Despite this, the man-hug was still alive and well. There were even special circumstances where it was considered to be "ok" to do.
1. You can hug other male family members.
2. You can hug another man at a special event (Wedding, funeral, etc).
3. You can hug another man after a big win in any kind of sporting event, but both men must be wearing shirts.
4. If your friend gets engaged or has a child, you may hug him.
5. If you serve in the military with someone or are in any kind of near-death experience with them, hugging is ok upon seeing them again.
But for every 1 rule saying when it was ok to hug another dude, there seemed to be 2 rules specifically outlining times or circumstances where hugs were absolutely unacceptable. Men were even instructed to avoid the man-hug if at all possible by not reciprocating (See picture, left). The future looked bleak for the man-hug. The handshake looked at the man-hug, saw nothing worth liking, and drank the man-hug's milkshake.
But just like the '92 Bills, the man-hug has staged a miracle comeback. This is due to a few factors working together:
Hip Hop
There's no doubt that the man-hug owes much of its comeback to the hip hop world. Hip hop artists seem to be credited with inventing the next evolutionary step from the handshake, the "pound hug" or "pound shake". This starts off like a regular handshake, but can sometimes involve complicated moves such as "padlockin' it" and "puttin' the chain on it". From here, both parties can pull the other in and embrace quickly in a pound hug, which ends with one to two slaps on the back. While definitely a step toward the man-hug, the fact that the original handshake is still between the two men still classifies this move in the handshake family. But progress is being made.
9/11
In this post 9/11 society, it's ok for men to show emotion. I actually read that somewhere recently. True story.
The Sopranos
The man-hug made one of its biggest gains on the handshake when The Sopranos hit the airwaves. Here were a bunch of badass Italian mobsters and hitmen who almost never used the handshake. These guys completely skipped over the pound shake and went directly into the hug. Finally, America had some man-hug role models. Hell, they even went so far to practice the two-cheek kiss!
But still, the man-hug was being held back. Sure, Tony and company hugged like there was no tomorrow...but what about us men who aren't Italian? Or mobsters?
Entourage
Maybe HBO should be known as the Martin Luther King Jr. of the man-hug. HBO started the man-hug revolution with The Sopranos and arguably finished the job with Entourage. Entourage brought us the man-hug Jesus himself, Ari Gold. It seemed like not a week would go by without Ari telling us that the best solution to any problem was to "Hug it out, bitch!"
Pro man-hug groups rejoiced. Here were the biggest, richest, most powerful men in Hollywood, and they were hugging like there was no tomorrow. Not only was man-hugging acceptable, but Ari Gold was making it cool! What better way to show how masculine you were than not asking for a hug, but demanding one and calling someone else a bitch at the same time?
So now hugs seem to be on the upswing. There are free hug campaigns. Athletes are hugging each other more and more, even before the game is over. John Kerry and John Edwards showed in 2004 that man-hugging could get you nominated for office, just not elected.
But the hug still has a lot of ground to make up before dethroning the handshake. I mean, the handshake is the handshake, the staple of meeting strangers and closing deals for as long as we can remember. On the other hand, the man-hug has made leaps and bounds in popularity over the last 10 years. Who knows where it'll be in another 10 years?
So is it now acceptable under almost any circumstances to lay a man-hug on another dude? Are we doomed to live under the iron fisted rule of the handshake for the rest of eternity? These are the real issues today.
Are you for or against Proposition Man-Hug?
This is what the Man-Hug will look like in 2025.
Can the "man-hug" replace the handshake as the preferred way for men to greet each other?
Now years ago, this would be a preposterous claim to make, one that could get you thrown in the stocks with a fresh coat of tar and feathers. The man-hug has long been frowned upon. Why would a man embrace another man in a hug when he could just as easily shake his hand and keep him at arm's length? What if this man is trying to kill me? Surely I don't want to expose my back to a man that may or may not have reason to stick a knife in it!
Part of the reason the man-hug has gotten such a bad rap is for ones that look like this or this. Society has long believed that the man-hug was somehow homosexual in nature and the handshake reigned supreme.
Despite this, the man-hug was still alive and well. There were even special circumstances where it was considered to be "ok" to do.
1. You can hug other male family members.
2. You can hug another man at a special event (Wedding, funeral, etc).
3. You can hug another man after a big win in any kind of sporting event, but both men must be wearing shirts.
4. If your friend gets engaged or has a child, you may hug him.
5. If you serve in the military with someone or are in any kind of near-death experience with them, hugging is ok upon seeing them again.
But for every 1 rule saying when it was ok to hug another dude, there seemed to be 2 rules specifically outlining times or circumstances where hugs were absolutely unacceptable. Men were even instructed to avoid the man-hug if at all possible by not reciprocating (See picture, left). The future looked bleak for the man-hug. The handshake looked at the man-hug, saw nothing worth liking, and drank the man-hug's milkshake.But just like the '92 Bills, the man-hug has staged a miracle comeback. This is due to a few factors working together:
Hip Hop
There's no doubt that the man-hug owes much of its comeback to the hip hop world. Hip hop artists seem to be credited with inventing the next evolutionary step from the handshake, the "pound hug" or "pound shake". This starts off like a regular handshake, but can sometimes involve complicated moves such as "padlockin' it" and "puttin' the chain on it". From here, both parties can pull the other in and embrace quickly in a pound hug, which ends with one to two slaps on the back. While definitely a step toward the man-hug, the fact that the original handshake is still between the two men still classifies this move in the handshake family. But progress is being made.
9/11
In this post 9/11 society, it's ok for men to show emotion. I actually read that somewhere recently. True story.
The Sopranos
The man-hug made one of its biggest gains on the handshake when The Sopranos hit the airwaves. Here were a bunch of badass Italian mobsters and hitmen who almost never used the handshake. These guys completely skipped over the pound shake and went directly into the hug. Finally, America had some man-hug role models. Hell, they even went so far to practice the two-cheek kiss!
But still, the man-hug was being held back. Sure, Tony and company hugged like there was no tomorrow...but what about us men who aren't Italian? Or mobsters?
EntourageMaybe HBO should be known as the Martin Luther King Jr. of the man-hug. HBO started the man-hug revolution with The Sopranos and arguably finished the job with Entourage. Entourage brought us the man-hug Jesus himself, Ari Gold. It seemed like not a week would go by without Ari telling us that the best solution to any problem was to "Hug it out, bitch!"
Pro man-hug groups rejoiced. Here were the biggest, richest, most powerful men in Hollywood, and they were hugging like there was no tomorrow. Not only was man-hugging acceptable, but Ari Gold was making it cool! What better way to show how masculine you were than not asking for a hug, but demanding one and calling someone else a bitch at the same time?
So now hugs seem to be on the upswing. There are free hug campaigns. Athletes are hugging each other more and more, even before the game is over. John Kerry and John Edwards showed in 2004 that man-hugging could get you nominated for office, just not elected.But the hug still has a lot of ground to make up before dethroning the handshake. I mean, the handshake is the handshake, the staple of meeting strangers and closing deals for as long as we can remember. On the other hand, the man-hug has made leaps and bounds in popularity over the last 10 years. Who knows where it'll be in another 10 years?
So is it now acceptable under almost any circumstances to lay a man-hug on another dude? Are we doomed to live under the iron fisted rule of the handshake for the rest of eternity? These are the real issues today.
Are you for or against Proposition Man-Hug?
This is what the Man-Hug will look like in 2025.
TMS Vacation 2008
February 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Well the Super Bowl is now behind us and pitchers and catchers are still over a week away from reporting. That can only mean one thing. It's time for TMS Vacation 2008.For those that aren't familiar with what the Vacation entails, basically from now until Spring Training we will be taking a break from posting about anything sports related*.
So what the hell will we write about? Who knows? Last year we covered everything from ski masks to Predator to who played the best James Bond.
*A special exception will be made for an upcoming drunken diary from The Hundley following the U.S.A. vs. Mexico soccer match.
Superbad: Why the Giants' Victory is Bad for America
February 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
1. The Manning brand just doubled.
If you're like me and cringe in disgust every time you see the commercial with Peyton and Eli licking oreos, brace yourself, like bacteria in the primordial ooze, the Manning brand name just reproduced asexually. Peyton fills the airwaves hocking everything from Sprint phones to tampons and now there is another marketable Manning to sell corporate America's wares. There is only so much advertising time to fill. By my calculations, by the end of 2008, two out of every three commercials will have either Peyton or Eli as pitchman. The only thing saving us from total Manning saturation of the airwaves is the fact that the third inbred Manning brother can't play football because of his club foot and seven fingers.
2. The '72 Dolphins will never go away now.
This was our last best shot to rid ourselves of the bitter bastards who made up the 17-0 Dolphins team before they start dying off. Every year we have to see video of these miserable old farts popping champagne as the last unbeaten team falls. Do we have to wait another 36 years for another shot at perfection?
3. Tom Coughlin won't be fired.
Get used to stories about how he's "changed" and is no longer the shitty school marm who made his players go to bed at 8pm, Tom is here to stay. Naturally, when they start off 2-5 next year, New Yorkers will be calling for his head, but we all know he isn't going anywhere, but that brings me to my next point...
The one group of fans more irritating and obnoxious than New England fans hail from New York. New Yorkers start from the premise that they're the center of the universe and get worse from there. Giving Vinnie and Guido a huge upset over a Boston team will do nothing but make their heads swell up like Violet Beauregarde.
5. New England fans can claim they were robbed.
Always in search of a new chip to attach to their shoulders, New England fans may have one in the officiating. By my count, there were three horrendous calls in the Superbowl and every one of them went against the Pats. It will be hard for Pats fans to excuse away Brady's lackluster play, Hoodie's failure to make ANY second half adjustments, and the collapse of their geriatric defense, but the bad calls will certainly give them ammo.
6. Eli Manning is now a superstar, whether he deserves to be or not.
In the long run, this may be the worst result of the game. Eli, who only a few months ago was nearly run out of town, is now New York's conquering hero. Louis Boombots from Queens is already boasting that they got the better end of the trade with the Chargers even though San Diego got Philip Rivers AND Shawne Meriman out of the deal. Back in October, Louis was planning to throw Eli in the East River.
SuperBlog Aught-Eight
February 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown
The time is here, Superbowl 42, battle of the colonies, New England versus New York. The Queen has tapped the keg and fired up the grill. Pregame is underway, the beers have been cracked, and the inappropriate comments will be delivered shortly. We're about 45 minutes away from kickoff, and Terry Bradshaw is stroking Tom Brady's ego and cock. Why is Tom Brady getting so much attention today? Well, first of all, he's dreamy, just as any straight woman or effeminate man. And yes, the Patriots of the National Football League are aiming for the first ever 19-0 season. Are the Patriots great? Yes. Do they cheat? Yes. Are they overrated? Only TMS can determine their rating, but we can't have that discussion until the game has concluded. Superbowl 42 and Frank Caliendo, up next!
Howie Long just put on a Boston Red Sox hat. Was he recently concussed? Why doesn't he go make "Firestorm 2"?
Enough! Time for the game (all times PST)...
3:09: Resiliency. Resiliency. Resiliency. Does anyone else hate when companies or commercials state the same word three times when they're trying to say how great they are? Am I the only one that notices this? It's hard to explain. We can get into it another time.
3:13: Me? Not drunk yet. Junior Seau? Not retired yet. We'll consider that a push. For now.
3:18: A failed American Idol winner is singing the National Anthem. If she could record this on a disc and sell it, she might actually make some money. Alas, no. She will continue to suck.
3:24: A tribute to Walter Payton. Awesome. I guess he's not in attendence though. Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins won the Walter Payton award. That's the only thing any Dolphin won.
3:28: Just so you know, I'll be making my world famous bean and cheese dip at halftime.
3:35: And another. 2 for 2 on third downs. It's early, but Eli is off to a quality start. Oh, and in regards to Eli? Surprisingly he's NOT the retarded Manning brother.
3:46: Wow, these commercials are scraping the bottom of the barrel right now. Just awful. I wonder if the Sarah Connors Chronicles actors are going to be in the crowd.
3:52: So apparently they're putting all the Superbowl ads on Myspace. This guy has still never fallen prey to the wiles of Myspace and Facebook. I'd like to keep it that way.
4:02: Start of the second quarter, touchdown New England. 7-3 is the score.
4:07: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will provide the halftime entertainment, and the bags of weed. Actually I swear I read once that Tom Petty doesn't smoke weed. I'm not sure about this. It requires more research, which I am simply not willing to do.
4:11: Can you tell that TMS would prefer that the Giants win? I'll try to make that more obvious as the game goes on.
4:19: Patriots have to punt, and we're subjected to a commercial for Garmin's GPS device. GPS for personal use? Overrated. I dare someone to argue with me on this topic.
4:27: Tom Brady sacked on second and third downs! The Patriots are punting from their own 15. Excellent position for the Giants. Hopefully Eli can calm the fuck down.
4:35: Eli fumbles, there's a flag, and the Giants have third down and 18 yards.
4:50: Brady fumbles with ten seconds left in the half. The Giants recover. Nothing will come of it I'm sure. Maybe the Patriots will go over some illegal videotape at halftime and make adjustments.
5:13: Wow, this halftime show is dragging on like my first marriage. Petty is obviously going through all his hits from the 70s and 80s. Nothing is happening. People are aging. Cars are staring. Ducks are quacking. Someone just handed me a hotdog lathered in ketchup. I'm dying on the inside, the outside, and everywhere else. I thought Britney Spears was supposed to join Tom Petty onstage. I guess I was wrong. She's probably due for a new album and a tour, huh?
5:37: Seven minutes later, we find out that the Giants has 12 men on the field, and thus the Patriots get the ball back. Again, ugh.
5:41: Nothing is happening. Guys catch the ball and fall over the first down line. To say that this game is uneventful would be an understatement.
5:49: Yesterday I asked the good Lord for death to visit me. He said "watch the Superbowl". I can confirm that it is a fate worse than death.
6:06: There is nothing to say. LL Cool J is in the house. Oh, Frank Caliendo! Peyton Manning, looking miserable in the box seats.
6:10: Terry Bradshaw's brother again, and then a touchdown pass to some guy. No one in the room knows who caught the TD, because no one is really paying attention! The NFL! It's fantastic!
6:17: Less than 11 minutes left and Randy Moss just made his second catch of the game.
6:20: The Giants stop the Patriots again and force another punt. Hmmmmm, maybe there will be some excitement yet.
6:25: Nope, not yet. The Giants are punting with 8:24 left in the game.
6:26: Tom Coughlin! BRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
6:40: Third and goal for the Patriots. Game potentially on the line here. Brady to Moss, touchdown! Patriots take the lead. The Giants will have to come back with a touchdown. They'll have 2:42 left to get it done.
7:00: Holy hell, Brady just got creamed for a sack.
Ladies and gentlement, your last two Superbowl MVPs:
War Criminal: Frank Caliendo and all of his impersonations. I mean, seriously, even the writer's strike can't kill this guy's career. He's like the monster in Cloverfield.
And now they're trying to tie the Superbowl in with the Founding Fathers. Something about the constitution. There's a Ben Franklin impersonator on the screen now. It can't be verified whether or not the actor has syphillis. Now various football players and coaches seem to be reciting the Declaration of Independence. I'm sorry, did another 9/11 just happen? I haven't been watching CNN yet today. Things have taken a somber turn. New York firefighters are hanging out with Michael Strahan. I've really become depressed. The beer cannot permeate the sadness that is being forced upon us. They just slandered the British Crown. The Queen has become upset. Get her another strawberry daiquiri. Lots of motherland bashing. We at TMS do not condone such a tone.
3:03: Fuck. Joe Buck.
3:12: What's that Joe Buck? The Patriots are undefeated? Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Apparently they work well as a team. Hell of a thing, that teamwork. It can never be questioned. Never be questioned. Never be questioned.
3:18: A failed American Idol winner is singing the National Anthem. If she could record this on a disc and sell it, she might actually make some money. Alas, no. She will continue to suck.
3:23: I hope Robert Goulet does another Emerald Nuts commercial this year.
3:26: The Giants win the coin toss and elect to receive. This could allow them their best field position of the day.
3:29: Chris Myers with an abbreviated interview of Tedy Bruschi. Stroke-inducing tension in the precious minutes before the game!
3:33: The Giants with the ball, and they come out blazing with a surprising first down!
3:40: Ahmad Bradshaw, Terry's second cousin, with two impressive runs, one for another first down.
3:47: Good return for the Pats. Tom Brady, everyone's hero and lover, is on deck.
3:56: The Patriots are in the red zone. Flag on third down. Pass interference. New set of downs.
4:04: Pretty sure that the only advertisements GoDaddy.com purchases are for the Superbowl. It's all well and good. I also just ate a meatball, and Gostkowski just whiffed a kickoff and knocked it out of bounds. Not a wise move with the formidable Eli Manning taking possession.
4:09: A heave to Amani Toomer and he catches it on the sideline for a huge gain!
4:13: Manning throws his first pick of the day. It was really only a matter of time.
4:21: Eli is sacked on first down. Ouch. Second down? Fumble, but recovered. Third down? Throws the ball away. And a punt. Painful.
4:34: This Ahmad Bradshaw kid is tearing it up for the Giants running game.
4:49: Totally uneventful end of the second quarter. Just a series of incompletions and timeouts. Is this America's new pasttime? I'd prefer the European football at this point.
4:56: Halftime. Ugh. Overrated: Every Superbowl halftime show ever. Can you name one that was good? Really? Don't tell me U2. They were preying on American emotion after 9/11. I call horseshit. The Janet Jackson nipple? Please. No one saw it when it happened. That was a fabrication of the liberal media. No, the conservative media. Wait, how can the media be both liberal and conservative? Oh wait, the media runs down the middle, and people decry it for their own personal reasons. Nevermind. I better watch my American Idol and keep to myself.
5:30: Patriots can't convert on the third down. They're punting to the Giants, but Eli won't be able to capitalize.
5: 39: Jesus just came back from the dead and asked if this was the most boring Superbowl ever. I told him yes, to which he started bleeding from the hands, feet, and head.
5:42: The Patriots went for it on fourth down with a bomb to the endzone. And it failed. The Giants take over on downs. The game isn't even exciting enough to involve punts anymore.
5:54: Three minutes left in the third quarter. The Patriots are leading 7-3, as has been the case since the first quarter. Penalties are amassed, no field progress is being made. 1,500 Chinese children have starved to death since the last score.
6:07: The Giants move the ball across the field. Jeremy Shockey is in the boxes drinking. Better than Peyton in his suitcoat. Much rather have a beer with Shockey.
6:12: James Carville and Bill Frist just made out on national television. Hell has frozen over, the Eagles are back together, Eminem is fat, and Hillary Clinton is going to be our next president. America! It's fantastic!
6:18: I'm not drunk enough, and this game isn't exciting enough. I can't wait to end this diary and get on with my night.
6:25: Nope, not yet. The Giants are punting with 8:24 left in the game.6:27: Will Ferrell with the only funny commercial of the night. "Bud Light: Suck one".
6:47: 4th and inches for the Giants!
6:48: Jacobs gets the first down. 1:22 left in the game.
6:51: Get right out of town! Manning eludes about ten sacks and wings the ball up. David Tyree leaps up and pulls the ball down for the first down!
6:53: 50 seconds left and the Giants have used their last timeout.
6:55: Steve Smith with the reception for the first down.
6:56: Manning floats one into the corner of endzone to Burress! Touchdown Giants! Holy shit! The invincible Patriots are going to fall! Eat a dick Bill Simmons!
6:59: The Patriots have the ball with 39 seconds.
7:03: Last play of the game. Brady lets loose a hail mary, and the Patriots fail miserably! The Giants win the Superbowl! The Mannings go back to back! That is horrible! No one wants the Mannings to succeed! But they defeated the mighty Patriots, whose cocks were stroked by the nation for the last five months! Ah, good times in the National Football League. Another season is done. The Patriots have been vanquished. Pitchers and catchers report in 11 days. God bless America!
Ladies and gentlement, your last two Superbowl MVPs:
War Criminal Lifetime Achievment Award: Bill Belichick and the post-Tony Eason Patriots
February 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
When the original Patriots 'Spygate' broke back in September, it caused a minor stir, but it really wasn't much more than a small popcorn fart on the way to a 'perfect' season. It gave the haters all the more reason to hate Bill Belichick (It's official: The Patriots are the new Yankees. Also, this spring, yellow is the new black!), but even the haters soon just kind of shrugged their shoulders in defeat.
"The Patriots are good enough that they don't need to cheat. They would have killed these teams anyway. There's no quantifiable effect. Besides, it was against the Jets for Christ Sakes."
To be naive is bliss.
Clearly there was a precedent for these things. The Pats didn't just wake up on day and decide to tape the Jets because of Bill Belichick's irrational hatred for Eric Mangini. Yet the NFL and it's crackpot team of investigators, made up of old cast members team from the Police Academy movies, decided that there was no real reason to look any deeper than this isolated incident. Apparently the black guy that makes sweet sound effects (Michael Winslow for those playing along at home) said it was 'all good'. He then made a weird robot noise.
Now back to the perfect season! Ooohhh...record numbers. Ahhhh...Tom Brady is purdy.
Now comes word that the Patriots may have (see: did) taped the St. Louis Rams before the 2002 SuperBowl walk through. If this is in fact true, this is some serious shit.
Let's keep in mind, that in 2002 the Patriots were two touchdown underdogs to the mighty Rams. This wasn't the 18-0, 'eat your babies', 'I drink your milkshake' squad of 2007-2008 that doesn't need need no stinkin' tapes man. This was a unheralded 11-5 underdog who shocked the world and created what would soon become the surly but decidedly handsome dynasty that it is today. To this 11-5 squad of ragtag misfits (I believe Keaunu Reeves was on that team) every little competitive advantage would have counted. Especially in the Super Bowl, going up against a physically superior team like the Rams.
Sure, it's hard to quantity just how much stealing signals and videotaping practices actually pays off. It obviously helps a little though. How else do you explain why the Pats were still doing it, 5 years later? Who is to say that they haven't been cheating all along? Maybe that's how they got so good in the first place.
There are eerie parallels between this and the steroid issue in baseball. An unquantifiable cheat that is widely believed to help gain a competitive advantage, but to what extent no one knows (except perhaps Bilichick and his gang of snaggletoothed henchmen). They are both serious issues that are more widespread than we think but are swept under the rug by each respective league, only to come back and bite them in their overfed, scotch-soaked asses. Sweating profusely and desperate for a stiff drink, they dangle shiny objects like home run records and perfect seasons in front of us and hope that we all high five and dance to Bob Seger songs, like some sort of ill-conceived Coors Light commercial.
No. This is a problem that needs to be fixed. Now. The integrity of the most popular sport in America is on the line. Punishments need to handed out the guilty. Hordes of unwashed masses need to march to Commissioner Goodall's office, with pitchforks and torches kept aflame by gasoline soaked Patriots hoodies (sleeveless, natch). I want some answers Bill-O. And by 'answers', I don't mean a condescending 'I'm better than you' smirk. I'll shove this torch so far up your ass that you'll actually call Eric Mangini 'daddy'. Who knows...maybe the torch will get far enough up your ass that it will singe the hidden camera that you have up there.
This time, it's personal.*
*It really is personal for me. As you all know, the Sultan of Stubble, Kurt Warner is my favorite player of all-time. My man crush has been well documented. He's the Brandon Walsh to my David Silver. Kurt of course played for the heavily favored Rams in that ill-fated 2002 SuperBowl. We've all heard of the 'SuperBowl Hangover' that often times afflicts the losers of the big game. Well, for the 2002 Rams and especially Kurt, this effect was even more pronounced. The next season the Rams finished 7-9. The Sultan of Stubble became the Sultan of Suckiness, throwing 3 TDS and 11 INTS in 7 games before succumbing to a season ending (and long lingering) injury. He would never be the same. Nor would the Rams for that matter.
Kurt would bounce from team to team, finally somewhat resurrecting his career with the Cardinals this past season. Mike Martz, once dubbed a mad genius (see: Belichick) was run out of town, his label switched from 'genius' to 'loon'. The Rams have reverted back to the Rams of the early 90's. Just a downward spiral for everyone involved. I can't help but wonder how all that would have changed if the Rams had won that Superbowl, creating a mini-dynasty of their own. Kurt becomes a two-time SuperBowl winner and secures his legacy amongst the greats as opposed to being a 3 year phenom. Martz gets cut more slack and is seen as 'unorthodox' instead of 'stupid'. One can't help but wonder. So yeah...this is personal.
Sweet Jesus, Finally!
February 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
I've been ranting about this for years, but finally the selection committee got their heads out of their ass and voted in Redskin great Art Monk to the Hall of FameFrom the Associated Press:Congratulations to Art, who was far and away my favorite player when I was a kid.
Monk finally was chosen in his eighth year of eligibility. He concluded his career after the 1995 season with Philadelphia, but spent 13 years with the Redskins as one of the NFL's premier receivers. Monk held records for most consecutive games with a reception (164) and career catches (820). Both have been surpassed, but Monk didn't play in as wide-open an era on offense as many other receivers. He was one of the most consistent possession and third-down receivers in the league throughout his 14 pro seasons.
Johan Santana: Still A Douchebag!!!
February 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
The Mets want to give Santana 5 guaranteed years on his new contract, with the option of the 6th year. Johan Santana says no. He wants 6 or 7 years guaranteed.I like option years, especially for pitchers. Pitchers, even the good ones, are always an injury risk. And sometimes they just start to suck for no reason. So unless it's an unfair offer, any time a pitcher says no to option years, he might as well say "Sorry, but I might not be very good by then and I want to make sure that even if that happens, I still get my money."
So that's even more evidence that Santana is all about the Benjamins. That and the fact that Santana came into negotiations with an initial asking price of $28 million a year.
Mr. Santana - Thank you for showing us all twice in one week how much of a greedy prick you are.
Free Willie!
February 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown
Willie Mays Hayes (pictured right) was found not guilty today by a jury of his peers on charges of tax fraud, aiding and abetting a tax scheme, and failing to file multiple tax refunds. Hayes gained notoriety as a speedy, slick-talking outfielder for the 1989 Cleveland Indians. Hayes terminated his baseball career prematurely to become a Hollywood figure in a number of action films, including Passenger 57 and Rising Sun. It is believed that Mr. Hayes also coined the term "always bet on black". More on this story as it develops...
ThunderSim 2008: Super Bowl XLII
February 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
It's been weeks since I had seen or heard from ThunderSim. After being completely off on his predictions of the conference championships, he had become a ghost. As Super Sunday drew closer I felt it was finally time to stop by his apartment and see if he was still alive.
Knock knock.
Me: Well at least he hasn't gone Jonathan Brandis on us yet.
I walk in. The place reeks of stale beer, piss, cigarettes, and failure. ThunderSim is situated at the TV playing a game. All the blinds are closed and not a single light is on. Surrounding his chair are numerous open bottles of Gatorade filled with what I can only assume is urine.
Me: What's happening buddy?
TSim: Nothing (in a barely comprehensible groan).
Me: Christ are you playing Ikari Warriors II again? How many times have I told you? It's impossible to beat that game!
TSim: Shut your mouth, I was really close last time!
Me: Look, the Super Bowl is only a few days away and we still got to run our simulation.
TSim: You son of a bitch! After everything you've done to me, you really expect me to do the Super Bowl?
Me: Me? What the hell did I do?
TSim: You programmed the rosters, I just simmed them. I can't help it if you did a piss poor job of setting the players' abilities.
Me: So I'm the asshole? Well I can't help it if you suck ass at Tecmo Super Bowl. I could beat you blindfolded.
TSim: Is that a challenge?
Me: Let's do this, you can have first pick of teams. Patriots or Giants?
TSim: Giants. I'll whoop your ass with the underdogs as they will surely crush the Pats on Sunday.
Me: You're clearly delusional, but suit yourself.
Giants start with the ball. On the second play of the game, Brandon Jacobs fumbles. I recover with Tedy Bruschi and take it in for the first score.
TSim: Dammit! You got lucky on that one.
The Giants get the ball again and quickly go 3 and out as my defense stuffs them.
Me: Feel free to start trying any time now.
On the first offensive play for the Pats, I launch it deep to Randy Moss. 80 yards, touchdown.
TSim: Any dope can just throw bombs all day and have the best receiver bring them down.
Me: Fine, next time I'll run the ball.
I pick off Eli Manning and start with great field position. As promised I run the ball with Maroney.
TSim: What! What's this zigzag running bullshit? Why can't you run straight like a real man?
This goes on all game. At some point in the third quarter with the score Pats 51, Giants 7......
TSim: Horse shit! You're obviously cheating.
Me: (sarcastically) Yep, I have a guy behind us videotaping your controller so I can read your plays.
TSim: I wouldn't doubt it. Screw this, I'm hitting reset. I wanna play with different teams.
Me: Don't! I wanna see how many yards Moss can get.
TSim: Whatever, but let the record show that I gave up before the 4th quarter.
TSim: You honestly aren't going to count this as the simulation are you? (tosses controller in disgust)
Me: Sure, why not?
TSim: Because it's highly unrealistic. You honestly believe Eli is going to complete no passes?
Me: No but I do believe the Patriots will put forth an absolute massacre of the Giants with a score reminiscent of some of the Super Bowls in the 80's.
Don't buy the hype that New York will make this a close game. New England is going to crush Eli Manning's soul, and if we're lucky maybe his ribcage or spleen as well.
Knock knock.
Voice from inside: It's open!
Me: Well at least he hasn't gone Jonathan Brandis on us yet.
I walk in. The place reeks of stale beer, piss, cigarettes, and failure. ThunderSim is situated at the TV playing a game. All the blinds are closed and not a single light is on. Surrounding his chair are numerous open bottles of Gatorade filled with what I can only assume is urine.
Me: What's happening buddy?
TSim: Nothing (in a barely comprehensible groan).
Me: Christ are you playing Ikari Warriors II again? How many times have I told you? It's impossible to beat that game!
TSim: Shut your mouth, I was really close last time!
Me: Look, the Super Bowl is only a few days away and we still got to run our simulation.
TSim: You son of a bitch! After everything you've done to me, you really expect me to do the Super Bowl?
Me: Me? What the hell did I do?
TSim: You programmed the rosters, I just simmed them. I can't help it if you did a piss poor job of setting the players' abilities.
Me: So I'm the asshole? Well I can't help it if you suck ass at Tecmo Super Bowl. I could beat you blindfolded.
TSim: Is that a challenge?
Me: Let's do this, you can have first pick of teams. Patriots or Giants?
TSim: Giants. I'll whoop your ass with the underdogs as they will surely crush the Pats on Sunday.
Me: You're clearly delusional, but suit yourself.
Giants start with the ball. On the second play of the game, Brandon Jacobs fumbles. I recover with Tedy Bruschi and take it in for the first score.TSim: Dammit! You got lucky on that one.
The Giants get the ball again and quickly go 3 and out as my defense stuffs them.
Me: Feel free to start trying any time now.
On the first offensive play for the Pats, I launch it deep to Randy Moss. 80 yards, touchdown.
TSim: Any dope can just throw bombs all day and have the best receiver bring them down.
Me: Fine, next time I'll run the ball.
I pick off Eli Manning and start with great field position. As promised I run the ball with Maroney.
TSim: What! What's this zigzag running bullshit? Why can't you run straight like a real man?
This goes on all game. At some point in the third quarter with the score Pats 51, Giants 7......
TSim: Horse shit! You're obviously cheating.
Me: (sarcastically) Yep, I have a guy behind us videotaping your controller so I can read your plays.
TSim: I wouldn't doubt it. Screw this, I'm hitting reset. I wanna play with different teams.
Me: Don't! I wanna see how many yards Moss can get.
TSim: Whatever, but let the record show that I gave up before the 4th quarter.
TSim: You honestly aren't going to count this as the simulation are you? (tosses controller in disgust)Me: Sure, why not?
TSim: Because it's highly unrealistic. You honestly believe Eli is going to complete no passes?
Me: No but I do believe the Patriots will put forth an absolute massacre of the Giants with a score reminiscent of some of the Super Bowls in the 80's.
Don't buy the hype that New York will make this a close game. New England is going to crush Eli Manning's soul, and if we're lucky maybe his ribcage or spleen as well.
The Governor's Press Conference: 1 February, 2008
February 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Periodically, I open the floor to questions. Its been awhile since there have been better topics, like the Cardinals' aborted run at the playoffs and scotch eggs. Well, if it isn't obvious, we're out of ideas. Lets begin:
The Superbowl is this weekend - who ya got?
Since Eli Manning is a turd that must have fallen off his big brother's shoe and the '72 Dolphins popping champagne haunt my dreams, I have no choice but to root for New England.
With an overabundance of outfielders this year, where does Juan Pierre fit into the Dodgers' plans? Also, do you think the rumors that his throwing arm has been replaced with a worn-out Slinky are true?
I'm really torn about Pierre. He's fun to watch when he actually gets on the bases, but he never walks and yeah, his arm is made out of an old slinky. Not even one of the good metal ones. One of those plastic ones that stretch out and never work right again. Ned Colletti is a retard. Last year he had too many outfielders, and when Luis Gonzalez walked away he could've corrected the situation by doing nothing. Unfortunately Ned pissed away more money than I'll ever see in my life on a human windmill who can't even spell the name Andrew properly.
Which movie has the inside track for Best Picture at the Oscars?
I have to say No Country for Old Men. I had it #1 for 2007. A lot of people will tell you There Will Be Blood has a shot. It does, but I tend to think it won't win. Even those who liked it often tell you the film is not without its flaws. The Academy will probably be satisfied giving Daniel Day Lewis the Best Actor award. I disagree with that as well. I don't think his impersonation of Clint Eastwood impersonating John Huston is all that compelling, but I seem to be in the minority there.
What are your thoughts on the writer's strike in Hollywood?
Since I generally loathe network TV, it hasn't really affected me. They're certainly in the right though. The first new network show I've dove into in something like five years is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Once you get passed the new actors it's not bad.
Did you seriously call Eli Manning a "turd that must have fallen of his big brother's shoe" earlier in this press conference?
I never said that.
...but you just did!
No, I said nothing of the sort. I'm not playing your little gotcha game. Next question.
Your new official state portrait is pretty queer - how did that happen?
I blame that guy on the right with the orange hair and German accent. I never agreed to those flowers. My concept had a bunch of nude women like the Houses of the Holy cover.
Which political candidate are you putting your support behind this year?
Well, TMS generally tries to stay non-partisan and I will do my best to keep that up. I won't name names, but I think Hillary Clinton is a cow and support the skinny chain smoker from Chicago. That will probably take you hours to figure out.
What is your stance on Props 94-97?
I've always been pro-gambling and general debauchery. Yes on 94-97.
Any truth to the rumors that you were part of a package headed to Minnesota for Johan Santana?
No, but there is truth the rumor that Johan Santana is a douchebag. I'm really going to enjoy watching the "Mets Malaise" sink in with this guy. By the All Star break, he should have an ERA closing in on 5. I actually saw people debating whether he was now the best starter in the NL. Can you believe that shit? From the NL West alone I would take Peavy, Webb, and Penny over Santana any day of the week.
Are you smarter than a 5th Grader?
Yeah and I don't need some hillbilly who cracks jokes about the confederate flag to tell me that. Your slave holding inbred ancestors lost Foxworthy! Get over it!
What about Beecake?
That's an excellent question, and I thank you for it. That's really the question of our time isn't it? Who are we? Why are we here? And what about Beecake? Well, I don't have to tell you, scholars have wracked their brains for millenia over that very question and I think we would be naive to think we could answer it today.
Is it true you're looking to outlaw the seedy practice of Rickrolling?
I am. People ask me all the time what I do since leaving office. This is the answer. I try to outlaw Rickrolling. I can think of no greater threat to Western society. Its a detriment to public health and a drain on our national treasure. New studies from Universidad Nacional de Bolivia or somewhere equally prestigious suggest Rickrolling may spread the AIDS virus, not unlike Rick Astley himself.
Would you be attracted to the human end of a female centaur?
I don't think so, but I guess it would depend on what she looked like. If she looked like Kathy Bates, no. If she looked like that little sexpot Winona Ryder, yeah, I'd at least consider it.
What is your reaction to the fact that your wife recently told the press that she's looking for a "taller husband" for red zone posessions?
Thanks everybody!
If you have questions you would like the fake deposed Governor of California to answer in a future press conference, email us.
