The Mustache Diaries - Days 18 and 19, aka The Big Reveal

In a futile and ill-advised attempt to gain the respect of firefighters and police officers everywhere, as well as to inject some much needed testosterone into my aura, I've decided to try to grow a mustache. I will chronicle the impending fallout. This is my story.

*Pictures have been altered to protect the innocent. And guilty.

As I sit here and type this, my upper lip is naked and cold, utterly soulless. A piece of me is gone and I fear it will never come back. Me and my mustache had many good times together. I would stroke him thoughtfully and he would laugh at all my jokes. My mustache had a name. His name was Dale. Dale is gone...but not forgotten. I love you sweet mustache. (whispers) I love you.

It all happened last Thursday, on a sunny day in Southern California while preparing for the bachelor party of Saloon bartender Brant R. Brown. The 'R' stands for Randall. I nervously put the razor to my delicate chin, and within minutes, I became something more than just another douchenozzle with a goatee. No. I became the proud owner of a Fu-Manchu. Immediately I could feel the effect. I developed a previously unseen bulge in my pants. I had muscles, whereas before I was built like 1991-era Dustin Diamond. My voice lowered and I became adept at juggling and long division. So this is what its like to be a man? Yes. Yes it is.

I liked this look. A little gay cowboy/YMCA meets hipster sheik. But it worked in a strange way. Bars up and down the coast of Southern California quivered in my presence. From the backseat of our minivan cab I repeatedly yelled at our cabbie, "I have a mustache!" and cackled maniacally. (I really did do that. Sadly, that's not made up.) This was the greatest day of my life. Later that night, I passed out. Was it from too much alcohol or too much testosterone? Results are inconclusive.

The next day I took a gamble. Whilst shaving and nursing a hangover that would slay the mighty Zeus, I decided to go one step further and shave this glorious Fu-Manchu into the patented 'motorcycle cop' look. So I did. There was a knock on my door almost immediately. Chris Hansen from 'Dateline NBC' stood there, his hair perfectly coiffed. I invited Chris and his camera crew in, offered to whip up some French Toast, and proceed to innocently tell him how much I love kids.

Let's be honest with each other. Let's call a David (spade) a David. I looked awfully creepy. What was once kitchy was now terrifying. It worked a little better when I was hearing a hipster t-shirt and a pair of Chip Wesley's aviator shades. But later in the day, when I had to throw on a nice shirt for Brant's wedding rehearsal? When the t-shirt comes off, so does the irony. Now I was just a nightmare for concerned parents everywhere. There goes the neighborhood.

Alas, that look only lasted half a day. After I shaved I felt really awkward. It was like Sampson (Ralph) without his hair. It was terrifying, but with the help of some expensive group counseling I was able to get over it. The recovery period wasn't pretty and I may end up relapsing into facial hair purgatory before it's all said and done.

I think a lot of good came out of my experiment. The world was held captive and followed me (and Dale) on my journey. If I inspired but one baby-faced man (or woman) to push their chips to the middle of the table and exclaim, "I'm all in", then I've done my job. Hop aboard the daddy's mustache and let's go for a ride. You'll see things you never could have imagined.

Day 18 (The Fu-Manchu)

Comments: Ok, I have dark black hair. Why the shit is my mustache brown, bordering on a whispy blonde? Oh Dale!


Comments: You can only partially see, but my t-shirt is just a blue shirt with a bearded guy's face on it, no explanation. It couldn't have been more appropriate.

Comments: One nasty side effect of the stache? I became a huge Rush Limbaugh guy. Well, not so much me as Dale. Dale loves to read.

Day 19 (To Catch a Predator)

Comments: The bright lights of the Dateline camera crew left me temporarily dazed.

Comments: No, I will not smile. Dale is not happy-go-lucky anymore. Dale is angry and not so much 'law abiding'.

Bartender Banter: Winter Doldrums Edition

God damn snow!

I used to hear people in Southern California say that people living in the Midwest were fools to endure such miserable weather. Well you know what? After spending 5 days in Laguna Beach for ThunderFest 2008 I'm finally in agreeance* (sic) with them. We're complete assholes for sitting through shitty winters up here.

Not much news about the Cubs discussed around here lately. I guess they signed Jon Lieber. Makes sense since bringing back Trachsel worked out so damn well. Next on their wish list, Kevin Tapani. Yeah he's 44 years old, but he's a spry 44.

I decided to put my name on the waiting list for Cubs season tickets, just to see where I would be in line. 79,363rd bitch! No budging.

Can we officially declare this the Dark Ages for sports talk radio? ESPN Radio isn't almost unlistenable now, it IS unlistenable. Seriously, how in the hell did Stephen A. Smith get his own show? All he does is yell at you. I feel like I did something wrong. Pair him up with Hillary Clinton and it feels like your parents are scolding you, but it's not like when you stayed out past curfew as a teenager. It's more like you did something unforgiveable like punch out a nun or something. In fact if I heard them both yelling at the same time I'd feel like punching out a nun. Don't even get me started on Stephen A's strange stints on MSNBC.

ANYWAY, back to sport talk. It's terrible. Apparently they all follow the same steps.

1. Find the hot button topic of the day.
2. State your stance on topic.
3. Continually repeat your stance over and over for 2 hours.
4. Take phone calls while you keep repeating stance.
5. Yell a lot and cut off your callers mid-sentence.
   
6. End show, go back to your lonely darkened apartment.
7. Drink scotch by your lonesome until you pass out in your easy chair.

That's about it. My personal favorite is when they talk about "not talking about" something. I kid you not, I once tuned in and listened to Linda Cohn talk about how she was not going to talk about the Michael Vick story. She talked about "not talking about it" for a full hour! Christ, fine if you're not going to discuss it, but move on and talk about something else then.

Not all is lost however. There are two shows I can still fully endorse out there. The first is the Dan Patrick Show. Dan was the anchor of ESPN Radio for years and without him that ship drifted out to sea and got lost. You can tune in to a live stream of his show in the mornings at his website http://www.danpatrick.com/. The second show is Tony Kornheiser, which made it's return this week after another hiatus for Monday Night Football. Kornheiser can be heard at DC radio station 3WT. He's still by far my favorite sports talk show, despite the fact he hardly talks about sports. You could almost say that TMS is the "Tony Kornheiser" of Cubs blogs. You know because of the lack of Cubs coverage, not for the exemplary writing.

What else? Oh yeah, the Cubs posted their depth chart on the official site. Thunder Matt is listed as Soriano's backup in LF. Thanks for playing Matt. We'll enjoy the occasional times you get a chance to pinch hit.

New England vs. New York in the Super Bowl, or as I called them, "God Dammit!" versus "Ahhh Horseshit!" I hope Eli contracts airborne AIDS.

If you haven't noticed the spiffy little button for TMS Radio in the sidebar yet, it's about damn time you acquaint yourself with it. We've pumped over 1100 songs into that son of a bitch at this point. I'm not going to guarantee you'll like every song but at least it's better than hearing the same .38 Special song at the same time every day on your shitty FM classic rock station.

Oh yeah we have another death to report. No, not Heath Ledger. Suzanne Pleshette passed away.

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Suzanne Pleshette, best known for her role as Bob Newhart's wife on television's long-running "The Bob Newhart Show," has died, just days before a ceremony honoring her with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Pleshette, who underwent chemotherapy for lung cancer in 2006, died of respiratory failure Saturday evening at her Los Angeles home, said attorney and family friend Robert Finkelstein.

I'm a little too young to recall the original Newhart Show, but I do remember her in the movie "Hot Stuff" starring alongside Jerry Reed and Dom DeLuise. That movie earned a spot in the pantheon of "Movies that HBO constantly aired during the 80's that I always sat and watched". Other members of the pantheon include "Just One of the Guys" and "Midnite Madness".

Score 6 points to Tommy Buzanis in Death League.

That's all for now. Rockies in 6.

* I included the (sic) because I never feel like people will understand it's a lame joke about Fred Durst.

Pointless Game in Big China

"You know what Jack Burton always says... what the hell?"

Such is the reasoning behind the big (only) MLB news of the day, the Dodgers and Padres will play some spring training games in
China. Why China? Why the hell not?

The only real positive I see coming from this is the smoggy air in Los Angeles will seem clean to the Dodgers after breathing the toxic air in Beijing for a few days.

Oh, and by the way, this is another big fuck you to Vero Beach from Frank McCourt. This will be the team's last year in their long time Florida Spring Training home before they move to the Cactus League in 2009 and they've just lost three games to the land of brocoli beef and lead paint.

Working on MLK Day? Boo....

Corporate America doesn't care about black people.

Thats all I can take away from the phenomenon that has swept the nation: people are at work on Martin Luther King Day.

My last job was with a small company where the hiring was done by a batty old woman who probably still used the term "colored". There weren't any black people working there and the only latinos were exceedingly white. Given these facts, it wasn't much of a shock that we didn't celebrate the late Dr. King's birthday.

Since then, I've moved into the hellish and soul sucking world of corporate America. Eleven thousand employees in sixty countries, lots of lip service paid to diversity, but no MLK holiday. Wow...

Are we regressing? Twenty years ago Arizona lost a Superbowl because the gaggle of ninety year olds who ran the state refused to acknowledge Martin Luther King Day as a holiday. Today, its on the books in every state, but unless you work for the government, chances are you're sitting in your life crushing cubicle like me.

The Man is still alive and well. He runs corporate America and he runs the government. Its the perfect way for him to play good cop/bad cop. The Man in Congress can say, "Sure, here's your holiday Black America." Then The Man in a shadowy smoke filled board room somewhere can say, "Not so fast - we're still in charge here. Everyone is going to work to pay for my cokehead son's new yacht."

Is it really any wonder why race relations are still an issue when 99% white corporate board rooms can't even acknowledge a fucking holiday to celebrate a truly great man that brought our country out of the racial dark ages?

Eat my ass corporate America.

Cubs of Yore: Domingo Ramos

Hey-o, hey-o, hey-o, hey-ooooo! Don't worry, we haven't left you. It's me, The Hundley, here, one of the few bartenders not currently attending the wedding of fellow barkeep, Brant Brown. As the self-appointed "leader" of the remaining B-Team, I've (temporarily) put Rygar on pause, set down the Mt. Dew and the Cheetos, and put on my tending apron to keep ya'll enlightened. Recently, our beloved Cubs have inexplicably signed ex-White Sox, Shingo Takatsu to a minor league deal. The only fathomable reason is for him to rejoin his ex-teammate, Neal Cotts, in the minors , where they can keep each other company and talk about the 'Good Old Days' of when they (their teammates) won a World Series. I can't believe Shingo Time didn't make the list of the top free agents this offseason. That Hendry sure can pick the sleepers!

In the meantime, take a trip down memory lane...


Nickname: Sunday Branch, DoRam

Played for The Cub: 1989-90

Random Write-up: It's funny, but I always remember him being a lot heavier than the baseball card shows him. I have no idea why I always think of him in a Cub uniform, it was probably because my dad pronounced his name with an extremely exaggerated Mexican accent, which would cause my brother and I to have pop shoot through our noses. And yes, this was in the days that pop came in a glass bottle, sonny. Little did I know that life would never be better...but I digress. Domingo Ramos was certainly not known for his power. In 12 big league seasons, he hit a mere 8 dongs and had a career slugging percentage of .297. Needless to say, he made his living as a "defensive replacement". Had a very respectable .955 fielding percentage as a lifetime infielder. He played most of his career in Seattle, which would explain his career high 3 steals in 1983, most likely attributed to the caffeine-heavy house blends at Starbucks. With his gaudy career numbers, he inexplicably fleeced the Cub for $310,000 in 1990.

What the hell?: He was once involved with Lloyd McClendon and Vance Law in a triple play against the Expos.

Rangers scouting director Joe Klein almost cried the night he heard Righetti had been swapped as part of a nine-player trade. What made the deal worse was that the Rangers were supposed to get back one of the jewels of the Yankees' farm system, second baseman Damaso Garcia. Corbett had been instructed to demand Garcia be included in the deal but got confused and asked for Domingo Ramos instead. "Brad!" he was told after the trade. "You were supposed to get Garcia." Legend has it that Corbett hung his head and apologized, saying: "Hell's bells. All those Latin names sound alike." (source) cannot verify

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $605,000. Was born in The Dominican Republic. Hit below the Medoza Line five times during his career. You can view all of Domingo's jerseys at Dressed to the Nines. I made up the nickname "Sunday Branch" because it's a literal translation from Spanish to English. Actually "DoRam" is made up as well. Let's be honest, he wasn't good enough to have a nickname.

Death League Update: Checkmate Bobby

Up until yesterday Bobby Fischer was enjoying his golden years in Reykjavik, the same place he defeated the evil Russian chess master Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union during the Cold War in 1972. He will be remembered for a lot of things: child genius, recluse, outspoken critic of America, Chicagoan, anti-semite, the founder of professional chess.....wait, what was that? Yep, you read that right. In an interview with a Philippines radio station hours after September 11th, he allegedly called reports of a plane hitting the Pentagon "wonderful news" and said American foreign policy had provoked the attacks. After calling for President Bush's death, Fischer also stated he hoped that a Seven Days in May-type military coup d' etat would take over power in the U.S. and then execute "hundreds of thousands of American Jewish leaders", "arrest all the Jews" and "close all synagogues".

Bob also enjoyed a game of pinball every now and again. But really, who doesn't? He was 64. 8 points to me.

Worst. Offseason. Ever.

Is revenue sharing good for baseball?

Yes.

...and no.

With the rich sharing with the poor and every team raking in millions of dollars a year just from TV and internet revenues, even the lowliest teams can afford to lock up their young talent and prevent them from reaching free agency (Unless that team is run by an owner that would rather line their pocket than put a decent team on the field. See the Marlins, Twins and A's.)

The downside of this is that there aren't as many high-profile free agents hitting the market as there used to be. Everything seemed to come to a head this offseason. Between the A-Rod fiasco and the continuing Johan Santana/Erik Bedard circlejerks, this offseason has been boring as hell.

All you have to do is take a look at the top 10 rated free agents left on ESPN.com to really get an idea of how truly bad this offseason has been. I know it's about 6 weeks till pitchers and catchers report and most of the "decent" free agents have already been signed, but it's not like we had a bunch of Hall of Fame players on the market this year.

Let's take a look at that list.

1. Barry Bonds
The best free agent on the market is a 43 year old with no knees that's guaranteed to infect a clubhouse faster than an outbreak of the clap? Awesome. Remember that Barry is in a little legal trouble right now and that he may not be able to play baseball this season, unless you count the softball team that Cell Block E is putting together.

2. Kyle Lohse
You thought last year's spending spree on pitching was crazy? Wait until Kyle Lohse gets a 4-year, $40 million deal. I think he deserves it. It's not every day that someone puts together a season for the ages like Lohse did last year for the Phillies: 9-12, 4.62 ERA. The Phils didn't make the playoffs becuase of Lohse, they made it despite him.

3. Mike Cameron
At first I thought that this wasn't too bad a ranking. Sure, Cameron's batting average isn't scaring anyone, but he's a legit 20/20 threat every year and plays stellar defense in center field. But then I remembered 2 important things. First, Cameron is suspended for the first 25 games of next season. And, a bit more importantly, HE'S ALREADY SIGNED WITH THE BREWERS! Way to stay on top of things, ESPN.

4. Brad Wilkerson
I have nothing against Brad Wilkerson, but there's no way he should be ranked the 4th best free agent right now. Come to think of it, the only thing Brad Wilkerson should be ranked as high as 4th in is "Guys That You Can Tell Smoke Pot Just From Looking At Their Picture".

5. Bartolo Colon
Sure, he won the Cy Young a few years ago, but he has yet to crack 90 MPH in the Winter Leagues. Not once. Oh, and I seem to remember the Expos trading for him years ago. Anyone the Expos have ever wanted can't be any good in my book.

6. Octavio Dotel
This guy couldn't even stay as the closer for the Royals. The Royals, people. And speaking of, doesn't it seem like the Royals haven't had a decent fantasy closer in forever? Sure, they've sucked, but even crappy teams can have a guy rack up 25-30 saves. I seem to vaguely remember Mike McDougal being decent a few years back, but other than that? Nothing.

7. Shannon Stewart
With Bartolo Colon being at #5, Shannon Stewart is looking up at him on this list. Anyone who has seen Colon over the last 10 years knows that he is one of the last people anyone would ever want to view from directly below. Being below Colon is Stewart's punishment for conning his way onto any top 10 list.

8. Kenny Lofton
Don't you think someone who is 145 years old is owed a little more respect than being 8th on this list?

9. Livan Hernandez
See #8 (As you can probably tell by now, I'm getting bored with this list. Do you blame me?).

10. Armando Benitez
I'm pretty sure the only reason Benitez is on this list is because no one wants to see a "top 9" list. 10 is much more even and acceptable. Benitez is lucky, because if that weren't the case, he'd have to lift that 5.36 ERA from last year and find another list to be on. I suggest the National Competitive Eating Rankings.

Why is this guy making $40 million more than you will see in your life?

The Mustache Diaries - Day 17

In a futile and ill-advised attempt to gain the respect of firefighters and police officers everywhere, as well as to inject some much needed testosterone into my aura, I've decided to try to grow a mustache. I will chronicle the impending fallout. This is my story.

DAY 17

Comments: This may be the last day for the full goatee. I board a plane headed for California tomorrow to attend Brant Brown's wedding. Tomorrow night is the bachelor party. What screams 'crazy bachelor party' more than the over-hyped unveiling of a patchy mustache? That's right, nothing does. Seriously, this thing is like the Cloverfield of mustaches. Alas, it will probably be gone the next day, as I'm not one to try to steal Brant's thunder on his wedding day and sully all of his memories. I'm thinking fu-manchu though for tomorrow night. Any other suggestions? Pictures forthcoming, probably on Monday.

ThunderSim 2008: Conference Championships

Christ I'm sorry. I've just ran out of time folks. I'm flying out to California tomorrow and don't have enough time to give a full report on these games.

Why am I heading out to California? Well for TMS Summit 2008, in sunny Huntington Beach. Estimates have shown that possibly 5 bartenders could converge for this historic occasion. Well actually 6 if you want to count the J.D. Salinger of the Saloon, the elusive Martin Gramatica. Some of the hot button issues to be discussed include:

• Coming to an official consensus on which condiments are in fact over/underrated.
• Is Chaim's mustache truly real, or just an elaborate hoax?
• What about Beecake?
• Establishing a Thunder Matt Disaster Mitigation Plan, to implement if and when Matt Murton gets traded.
• Who needs another beer?

Full reports with photos of various bartenders in comprising and provocative situations are to come.

*One note about that Chargers-Pats game. Randy Moss got hurt, and the Pats lost in overtime after a botched kick return plants them on their own 2 and they give up the safety. Yeah, that's gonna happen....

Under/Overrated: All-American Edition, Vol. 1

Underrated

Puppies: You might say, 'But Chaim, everybody loves puppies!' You'd be wrong. You don't know some of the people I know. Plus, with all this rampant dogfighting going on*, the popularity of puppies is at an all-time low. In this post-Vick society we live in, saying you love puppies is akin to aligning yourself with Hitler. All that said....puppies are underrated. Fucking puppies dude. They're cute. Sure they may piss on your new shirt and eat your copy of the New Yorker before you're finished reading it. But look at the little guy. Awwwww....he's just a little fucking puppy!

Baseball: Football is really king here in America. And I'm not talking about the kind that Mexican people pronounce 'futbol'. But really, baseball is America's past time. And with the advent of the Mitchell Report, I fully expect baseball to reclaim it's crown as 'America's Game'.

Tractors: I forsee a day when this is really all anybody drives. John Deere Tractors. These things are beasts. Hey pretty boy...I raise your Hummer with my industrial size Combine Tractor! Who's got the bigger dick now?

Bikes: Are bikes uniquely American? Don't tell that to those folks living on that landmass known as 'Asia'. But for our purposes, and according to a few Norman Rockwell paintings I've seen, yes, they are. I'll ride one of these things. Shit. They work your leg muscles, help reduce fumes and whatnot, and are useful for popping sweet wheelies.

Jeans: I have an abnormally short torso, so I'm not a fan of tucking in shirts. In khakis, where tucking is mandatory, from a distance and to those with vision problems, I appear to be a head perched atop two legs. With jeans, there is a distinct 'no tuck' rule, which I love. Jeans can be dressed up, dressed down...they don't give a shit. They last for years and are one of the few articles of clothing that actually look better when they're a bit worn in and faded. Though don't be tricked into thinking that you can make this American standard into shorts and still look cool. You would be wrong, as these are mockingly referred to as 'jorts'. And for Christ Sakes, don't swim in your jeans either.

Overrated

Apple Pie: Booo! Screw this noise. The only time I will accept this into my life is if it's accompanied by a half melted slab of vanilla ice cream. Do people still put these on their windowsills to let them cool down? What a gay practice that was. You could do such much better. Stop living inside your little box. Chocolate Mousse, Key Lime, Rhubarb, Cherry. I could go on folks. I imagine you listen to Nickelback while you eat your Apple Pie.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: See 'Apple Pie'. Are you that unimaginative? Are you a shut-in? Is your favorite drink 'tap water'? Chances are if you answered 'yes' to any of the aforementioned questions, then you love chocolate chip cookies. Oatmeal. Sugar. Peanut Butter. Hell, even a godddamn Monster Cookie is a better choice. Also, these cookies must be chewy. Who likes the little hard ones? Gross. If you enjoy hard chocolate chip cookies, you have probably also been seen on 'To Catch a Predator'.

Mickey Mouse: This guy just needs to be put in a wood chipper. Bugs Bunny bitchslaps Mickey Mouse.

Pizza: I'm gonna get it for this one. Sure, it's easy and it's cheap. That's half the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good slice as much as the next fat American. But given it's insane popularity, pizza is probably overrated. It epitomizes how fat, lazy and unimaginative we've become as a society. That said, I made a frozen pizza tonight. Alas, I am fat and lazy. Case closed.

All-American Teams: Does anyone watch the McDonald's All-American game? Liar. All-Americans have been dead to me since Bob Hope stopped announcing the football All-Americans on his Christmas Special. That last statement definatively puts to rest any speculation. Yes, I am in my late 70's.

McDonalds: Though I've cheated and ordered their breakfast on occasion over the past few years (when I've been in the mood to get explosive diarrhea), I have pretty much eliminated this corporate monstrosity from my life. I'm not a big fast food guy to begin with, unless I'm on a road trip or high on heroin, but this place is the lowest of the low. I don't get why people jizz all over their fries either. They're about as limp as Bob Dole before he found Viagra. When and if I have kids, they won't be eating here. I'm a sadistic son of a bitch.

The All-American Rejects: There's a reason this country has rejected you. What song do you even sing? Who's to say really? I would venture to guess that your jeans are too tight and at one point or another you made a suggestive pass at Ashlee Simpson.

*Oh if I had a nickel for every weekend where I uttered the phrase, 'No, really, I'd love to come to the dogfights tonight, but I promised my wife that we'd spend some quality time together. You know how it is.'

TMS Presents: Last Guy to the Party Cubs News

Hey guys, did you hear? The Cubs might get Brian Roberts! And word on the street is that the Cubs might sell the naming rights to Wrigley. If all that weren't enough to make you literally rip your dick off your body, the Cubs Convention is this weekend!

Oh, you heard already? What? You checked our blog on a daily basis since the news broke last week, hoping to have a forum on which to discuss such titillating tales? Seriously? You finally gave up and decided to pledge your allegiances to Hire Jim Essian instead, given our recent track record of shoddy and uninformed reporting? I have to admit, you make some valid points.

What? No, sure. Go on. You don't give a shit about our taste in movies, music or books and think that I look like a 'gaywad' with a goatee? The new layout looks like it was designed by Poopypants McGee? You son of a bitch. I don't like you, but I respect your opinion.

Well, here you go. Let this be your forum to discuss Cubs news, both old and new. Actually, could you just break the news for us? In the comments section? Chances are we won't get around to it.

Yeah. I did steroids. I did steroids while I made love to your mother at the same time. Tricky, but doable. I also stole her wallet. I don't give a shit. I'm Brian Roberts motherfucker.

You Make The Call

Terrell Owens..............................or..............................Terrell Owens

50 States/50 Bands: South Dakota to Wyoming

Suffering from insomnia one night, a vision came to me. It was, of course, not particularly useful. It was a vision of me recommending a musical act from each of the 50 states. More motivated than I have been in years, I sat down and hammered it out. Eons came and went. Civilizations rose and fell. Now I'm ready to share my baby with the world in five easy to digest posts. Naturally, the list reflects my own personal biases, so bring on the arguments. In some cases, there was no band or artist I liked from a particular state, and you can generally tell which ones those are.

Those download recommendations with an * can be heard on TMS Radio - so tune in and have a go.

*Note - TMS Radio appears to be fucked at the moment. These will be uploaded at a later time.

South Dakota - Native American Indian Elder Joseph Flying Bye - Thunder Matt would listen to this if he were into Native American music, which I’m sure he is.

*Download - The Night is Sacred

Tennessee - Isaac Hayes - Hello Children, I’m a scientologist loon.

Download - Chocolate Salty Balls

Texas - Willie Nelson - Where is this guy’s Realm of the Red? Willie credits pot with saving his life.

*Download - Pancho and Lefty

Utah - The Used - Ah yes, the unbathed, foul mouthed products of Mormon oppression. Take a look at the lead singer and think twice before you force your son to go to church against his will.

*Download - The Taste of Ink

Vermont - JoJo - Who? 17 years old and more accomplished than I will ever be. What a bitch.

Download - Too Little, Too Late (if you really must)

Virginia - Missy Elliot - The only big time rapper on the list. There are better ones, but they have the misfortune of hailing from states that had better music to offer.

*Download - Work It

Washington - Nirvana - The band that almost single handedly resurrected rock after the synthesizer era deserves a place in any serious music fan’s collection. Did you know Kurt Cobain killed himself?

*Download - Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam

West Virginia - Brad Paisley - One of the other decent modern country artists I mentioned in an earlier post. Old school style, but modern subject matter.

*Download - You Need a Man Around Here

Wisconsin - Garbage - Sure the singer is Scottish, but the band formed in Wisconsin. Its for the best, the backup candidate was Liberace.

*Download - #1 Crush

Wyoming - Chris Ledoux - Wyoming is a beautiful state, but a dry hole musically. Rodeo star/country musician Chris Ledoux lived there for awhile. He died.

*Download - Western Skies