Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

Each, ahem, month (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: (beating bare chest, flicking cigarette at camera): Danny Bonaduce

Don't laugh at that picture. Seriously. If you do, Danny Bonduce will find you. What will ensue, more than likely, is the following:

Danny Bondaduce driving to your house and knocking angrily on your door. A verbal confrontation, to include adult language and frantic hand gestures. Danny Bonaduce headbutting you ("That was out of nowhere," you think to yourself). Danny pulling you off the ground by your lapels, your vision blurred and the metallic taste of blood in your mouth. Danny apologizing, saying he's had a rough time lately, and asking you off the cuff if you've ever watched 'Breaking Bondaduce'. You say no. He says, well you should, then you would know the head space that that he's in. You resolve to Netflix the DVDs when they come out. A shaky truce is reached.

Weeks later, after consulting with your lawyer, you move forward with a lawsuit. Danny shows up in court shirtless. The judge is confused and slightly aroused and calls for a mistrial. In the end, you settle out of court, but for a sum that is much lower than what you had hoped for. In fact, after paying your legal fees, you are essentially breaking even. Long story short, Danny Bonaduce just wrecked your life. So please, look at that picture, but do so respectfully.

Danny Bonduce may be the toughest of all the redheads. He gained fame as a child actor in The Partridge Family, playing the aptly named 'Danny Partridge'. He apparently would get confused when called by a different 'character' name, which led to lots of on-set awkward silence and more than one pants peeing. Given the fact that Danny looked nothing like any of the other members of the family it is widely assumed that he was the product of a tequila and ecstasy fueled tryst between Shirley Partridge and their manager, Reuben Kincaid. Anyway, the show was apparently about four Vietnam vets, framed for a crime they didn't commit, who helped the innocent while on the run from the military. Shit, actually that may have been The A-Team, but lets be honest...The Partridge Family would have been way cooler had that really been what it was about.

After doing the whole 'child actor gone bad' thing (you know, drugs, unemployment, the erosion of one's boyish good looks, general strife, etc), Danny took the next logical career step, boxing Donny Osmond in a charity boxing event. Was the outcome of the fight really ever in question? I mean, really, Donny Osmond? Really? Barry Williams of Brady Bunch fame was next in line for the prestigious 'former 70's child star middleweight title' and was handled by Danny as well. Naturally, this fight aired on Fox. Todd Bridges patiently awaits his title shot.

Danny is famous for beating up a transvestite in 1991. This saddened Eddie Murphy. So Eddie allegedly had sex with said transvestite. It was a win-win for everybody in the end.

Danny then went on to disc jockey fame, hosting various radio shows and generally pissing off the listening public. He also starred on the ill fated male version of The View called The Other Half, with Dick Clark and Slater from Saved By the Bell. Color me shocked that that one never took off. Sure sounded like a foolproof ratings bonanza on paper.

Danny, always one to think things through and make rational choices in both his career and personal life, later married his wife after knowing her for seven hours, so that he could have sex with her. Always a good idea. He then lived out his marital and personal strife on the VH1 series 'Breaking Bonaduce', which as I mentioned before might be a good idea to Netflix, lest he show up on your door and headbutt you. His verbal confrontation when he was approached by some dude from a 9/11 conspiracy theory website (named John Connor...huh, Terminator?) while eating lunch helped seal his legacy and did nothing to dispel the notion of redheads having tempers. That fact that he continues to eat throughout the confrontation leads me to believe that Danny is nothing if not hungry.

Danny now is one of the co-hosts on Adam Carolla's radio show. He will occasionally interject something in his 4-pack-a-day rasp, which I often mistake for radio static, so I fiddle with the radio dial, trying to correct what seems to be an interrupted signal. Nope, just Danny.

He wears very tight t-shirts (when he decides to wear a shirt) and has a fitness workout called Podfitness. The basis of this fitness program is that is you don't want to work out, Danny will make you. He will come to your house, and if you try to stop exercising he will put a cigarette out on your arm. He will threaten your children by glaring at them and cracking his knuckles. He will rummage through your cupboards, crying out "What is this shit?" as he violently rips open boxes of sugary cereal and rummages through your medicine cabinet. He will then watch Survivor as you complete your 3rd hour on the treadmill, running up a gigantic long distance bill while he's at it. This really pisses you off, as you at least wanted to be able to hear who got kicked off Survivor, but Danny is blabbing to his shrink. How rude. Never the less, the Bonaduce regimen is a proven winner. Podfitness helped me lose 12 pounds and add muscle. I can wear a swimsuit without shame for the first time in years. Thanks Danny!

As for what the future holds for Danny, look for him to soon star in a sitcom pilot with David Spade, playing two womanizing brothers who are taught a lesson in humility at the end of every half hour. This show will serve as a midseason replacement to a failed Michael Richards 'comeback vehicle' and will fare poorly in the ratings. After only 3 episodes, 2 backstage tirades and countless annoying promos of Danny getting David in a 'playful headlock' for the camera, Fox will cancel the show.

Despondent, Danny will box, but not other celebrities. He will literally just stand on the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and challenge everyone that walks by to try to kick his ass for five bucks. Few will take him up on this offer and even fewer will succeed.

I couldn't find a good enough picture of young Danny. Instead, by default, I will post this picture of a young Jonathan Lipnicki.

A Fast Food Enigma

I'd say on average I go out for lunch at least three days out of the work week. When I go out, I usually stick to fast food joints since I can grab my food and just head back to work to eat. The sucky part though, is the dearth of choices in the general proximity of my job. Essentially when I go out I have the following choices

• McDonald's (The closest drive for me, thus usually the lazy default choice)
• Wendy's (Eh, nothing is that great about Wendy's but their drive-thru is extremely fast)
• Hardee's (Usually I have a death wish to go here. Never, have I eaten Hardee's then immediately said, "I'm glad I ate that.")
• Taco Bell (Nice change from the burgers, but their drive-thru is the exact opposite of Wendy's. It usually takes at least 15 minutes to get through, and that's when you're the only car)
• Subway (This franchise can go to hell. They offer nothing that you can't get a better version of somewhere else.)
• Quizno's (One just opened nearby. I give them 2 years before the idiots can make a sandwich at a normal speed)
• Checkers (You know what, let's just forget I mentioned this as it really is not a legitimate option. Even I have standards)
  

So anyway, I was feeling lazy so I went to McDonalds for lunch today. I ordered the quarter pounder with cheese value meal. Everything goes smoothly and I get back to work and take out my burger that is in the box clearly marked "Quarter Pounder with Cheese". I open it up and proceed to take off the top bun to remove the pickles and onions. Please don't ask me why I don't just order the burger plain if I'm removing the pickles and onions. I just find it easier to do it myself then having to ask them to make it plain, only to trigger mass chaos in the kitchen, and be told to pull off to the side while they try to concoct a burger without toppings, and 50% of the time I still end up with crap on it.

Back to the subject at hand, I remove the pickles and just then I look at my burger and realized it looked kind of funny. Instead of the standard brownish-grey disc of bovine carcass I've grown to know and love, I instead see a golden breaded square. Yep, they slapped a fish filet on the bun and proceeded to top it with the standard kethcup, mustard, pickles, and onions that a quarter-pounder would receive. Now I understand accidents happen and if I got a straight up Filet-O-Fish sandwich in a quarter-pounder box I would be upset but would deal with it. But this is just weird. Obviously the person putting the toppings on had to notice it was fish and not a burger. So there can only be two obvious scenarios here.

1. The McDonalds staff likes playing the occasional joke and flip-flop their sandwiches around.
2. The retard making my sandwich obviously can't look at the pretty picture diagram of how sandwiches are put together and properly decipher the difference between a burger and a deep-fried piece of pollock.

I'm literally at a loss here. I guess it could be worse, I could've ordered a fish sandwich and instead got a burger with tartar sauce slathered on it. No way that would even be remotely salvageable.

Oh well. Now if you excuse me I have a fish-burger to eat.

War Hero: Predator

When I was an undergraduate majoring in Geography, I once entertained the possibility of pursuing an MA, and writing a thesis concerning the use of remote sensing techniques and global warming trends to predict future regions of "heat and conflict" that could potentially lead to localized Predator outbreaks. I then did a keg stand and threw up. The point is, at one time in my life, I thought the Predator was the problem. I rooted hard for Arnold, Carl, Jesse, and Coltrane himself. Man was I wrong.

First we must agree that Predator is one of the seminal action movies of the 1980's. Naturally the acting was iffy. The dialogue between Arnold and Carl Weathers is about as stiff and uncomfortable as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at the Holocaust Museum. But this movie presented an extremely captivating new villain, one that not only was a technologically superior killing machine, but genuinely looked like a badass. There's no arguing the quality of this movie compared to the rest of its genre, not to mention the future political starpower we were being exposed to. Overall, it presented a good collection of likeable characters. As much as I love it though, one thing has always bothered me: the closing credits. Perhaps I'm just being picky, but they do that thing where they show each actor looking into the camera and smiling as their character name and real name are shown. You know what I mean. They catch a tin of chew, turn to face the camera, and smile. Well, that's all well and good, but everyone in the cast did this except for Arnold. For him, they just showed stock footage. What the hell was Arnold doing that was so important that he couldn't take a minute out of his day to smile into the camera? Was he rehearsing for Saturday Night Live that week? Was he busy fondling a breast and couldn't step away? Bah, and to think this guy runs California. Anyway, what you need to leave here understanding is that the original Predator stands apart from the rest of the franchise as a classic action flick, legitimately a top ten movie for any male between the ages of 20 and 40.

So let's put aside Predator for a moment and move on to Predator 2. You know what, I'm not ready to discuss this yet. Let's skip ahead.

When Alien vs. Predator came to the theaters in 2004, I was less than excited. However, I received a free ticket to the film with my recent purchase of the Predator special edition DVD. After a couple weeks, I mustered up the courage to make the solitary journey to the theater to take in this assuredly lackluster film. I pulled my hat down low when I handed the lady my ticket, as if I was going in to see Showgirls or something. Anyway, I'm glad I went. If you're a general fan of the Predator, then you should definitely have seen this film by now. On the other hand, if you're an Alien fan, well, I'm sure they'll make another shitty Alien movie for you in a few years. Sigourney Weaver in a nursing home with aliens popping out of her colostomy bag or something like that. How could it not be fantastic?

Anyway, don't get me wrong about Alien vs. Predator. I'm not really saying it's a good movie. In fact, I'll say it's a terrible movie. It obviously has no quality acting by any stretch of the imagination. It's a glorified slasher flick with a ridiculous plot. But what it serves to do is tie up some loose ends for the franchise. Albeit tied loosely, but tied nonetheless. It gives the audience the back-story of how Predators came to be on Earth, and how they relate to Aliens. I'd give it an "A" for mythology, but an "F" in every other regard. Probably the biggest disappointment is the lack of the traditional Predator theme music. Certainly could have used that to get me a little more pumped up.

Now we move back to Predator 2, which over time has become the redheaded stepchild of sequels. First off, the cast. Danny Glover as the hero. OK, he's a decent role player in his films, a quality sidekick like we all know from the Lethal Weapon movies. But what made any casting director think that Coltrane could carry an action movie on his own? You go from Arnold, Jesse Ventura, Action Jackson, and Sonny Landham (who ran for office in Kentucky in 2003) to Danny Glover? Glover is just tired, out of breath, and old during the whole movie. The only thing that can trump Glover as the hero is........drumroll please...............................Gary Busey! as the main villain. Well, technically some would say that the Predator is the villain, but in my opinion, he's just a victim of circumstance. It's not his fault that they cast Danny Glover and Gary Busey! Rounding out the cop force in this one is Maria Conchita Alonzo as the "tough as nails Hispanic chick", and Bill Paxton in one of his more forgettable roles (but are any of his really memorable?) as the wisecracking young cop. His death in particular was very satisfactory and well deserved. Then you have Special Agent Johnson from Die Hard. Not that Special Agent Johnson from Die Hard, the other Special Agent Johnson from Die Hard (you see, they both had the same name in Die Hard, which provided one line of amusement before they both met a fiery death in a helicopter). And the cherry on this goddamn sundae of a film was Morton Fucking Downey Jr. as the brash investigative reporter. Oddly enough, you never saw him smoking a cigarette during the film. Is he dead now in real life?

Anyway, if you can get over this illustrious cast, you then have to look at the setting and plot. The film was made in 1990, yet is set in the futuristic Los Angeles that is 1997. Bad idea. Never base a futuristic movie only a few years in the future. It's too awkward and immediately discredits the entire film when we inevitably hit that year. But the good thing for them is that they didn't stretch many of the intricacies of the future. About all you see that could be considered "futuristic" are the enhanced police guns, the fact that all police vehicles were now AstroVans, and that someone decided to build a magical "bullet subway" from Los Angeles to Long Beach. Also of note was that while this one was made in 1990, somehow the special effects were actually better in the 1987 original. This helps guarantee the makers of Predator 2 an "F" for effort.

The plot of Predator 2 is naturally a mess. The basic premise is that the cops of LA are fighting terrible drug lords that are taking over the city during a hot summer (remember, heat and conflict bring about localized Predator outbreaks). The cops vs. drug lords plotline allows for the greatest moment of unintentional comedy in the Predator franchise. What is the name of the biggest drug gang you may ask? Why of course, it's The Jamaican Voodoo Posse. Led, of course, by King Willie. King Willie's Jamaican Voodoo Posse. I just gave myself a vasectomy. If you can get past this ridiculous setup, you'll only become further befuddled when it is Gary Busey!'s character who imparts the "heat and conflict" knowledge which has come into play numerous times in my daily life. This is used to explain why the Predator only seems to be killing policemen and Voodoo Posse members. Whatever. If Gary Busey! said it, it must be so.

The end of Predator 2, as some of you may remember, has a showdown between Coltrane and the Predator in the Predator's spaceship. Viewing this movie for the umpteenth time (I hate it and I love it, all at once), am I the only one that can't understand how an alien spacecraft was parked underneath an apartment complex? Wouldn't the landlord become suspicious? It's the middle of fucking LA! He didn't land in the desert in the middle of the night! He parked his ship under a goddamn apartment building! And then inside the spacecraft, you see the various trophies the Predator has collected, including, yes, an Alien skull. People I've talked to have been so amazed that they planted this skull in the film to "spark interest in an Alien vs. Predator film". Well, Christ, it was 14 years in the making, it was about goddamn time they had this pay off! Bah!

To sum up, Predator 2 gets a hearty thumbs down. But if you've never seen it, please subject yourself for comedy's sake. Predator 2 will also help you build compassion for the Predator, as things that he does in 2 and 3 lead you to understand that he is not as ruthless as he is made out to be. He is actually quite compassionate, and I feel genuine admiration for who he is and what he stands for. You'll understand if you view the entire franchise.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your second War Hero: Predator.

RIP Kevin Peter Hall

Bond, James Bond

So my contribution to the TMS Vacation 2007 will be a series of posts about James Bond movies. To begin, I'm going to hit up the actors. I had the opportunity to write a paper about this as an undergrad (got an A), but I had to update it to include Daniel Craig and condense it a bit into a quick and dirty blog format. Without further ado, from worst to first, the James Bond actors:

6. Timothy Dalton 1987-1989
The Living Daylights, License to Kill

We find Timothy Dalton at the bottom of our Bond list, as was the case with many Bond lists before it. He wasn’t witty. He wasn’t tough. He wasn’t cool. In other words, he wasn’t anything James Bond is supposed to be. To be fair to him though, he really wasn’t given very good material to work with. The Living Daylights features a plot built around a cello player and a villain who likes toy planes, and if you take away the theme music, there’s really not much evidence License to Kill is a Bond movie at all. I won’t even get into the Wayne Newton cameo in it. Could he have done a better job in the role had he been given a decent script? We’ll never know.

5. Pierce Brosnan 1995-2002
GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day

A lot of fans are big into Pierce Brosnan. I can’t say that I am. He was too much of a pretty-boy to really take on the persona of James Bond - not to mention that weird accent. I think many Bond fans were just grateful to have the series back after a six year lull following the Timothy Dalton era. As for his films, it’s a mixed bag. Tomorrow Never Dies is among the best in my opinion, with one of the original villains ever (basically Rupert Murdoch gone mad as portrayed by the guy from the Infiniti commercials) and while completely absurd in virtually every way, I enjoyed The World is Not Enough. Bonus points to the filmmakers there for having the balls to throw in the “Christmas” line at the end. On the flipside, GoldenEye was totally boring and the series absolutely bottomed out with Die Another Day. If the use of the satellite laser yet again wasn’t enough, there was Madonna fencing, an ice palace, an invisible car, and a North Korean guy who got plastic surgery to look like a white dude.

4. George Lazenby 1969
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Its hard to give a fair assessment of Lazenby since he only did one film. He was OK in the role. That one film he did however, is great. Since it was the one and only Lazenby film, and sandwiched in between two Connery films, it often gets lost in the shuffle. If any of you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend having a go at it. Its probably best remembered for the fact that Bond marries in it, but it really brings a complete package to the table. Plot, stunts, wit, Bond-girls, villain - its all here. I’ll just close by pointing out George Lazenby’s decision to leave the series was not one of the better career moves of all time…

3. Sean Connery 1962-1967, 1971
Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds are Forever

I can already read the hate mail… I like Sean Connery, and feel he did a good job in the role, but I must point out being the first doesn’t necessarily make you the best. He deserves a great deal of credit for bringing the role to the big screen, and getting the most successful franchise in movie history rolling. I have only two issues with Connery: First, as the films evolved from the relatively simple plots of Dr. No and To Russia With Love into the more fanciful style of Goldfinger and You Only Live Twice, he really didn’t “go with the flow” as the kids say. The films changed, but he didn’t. Secondly, he agreed to star in the horrendous remake of Thunderball, Never Say Never Again. I just can't forgive this. This was not an official Bond film which is why it didn’t make his list above. Connery’s best film as Bond is Diamonds are Forever. Bond in Las Vegas & a character clearly modeled after the insane Howard Hughes? You can’t go wrong. Its also the only time the villain Blofeld has hair. By the way, Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay for You Only Live Twice? Who knew.

2. Daniel Craig 2006-????
Casino Royale

After the debacle that was Die Another Day, I wasn’t sure if the series could recover. Thanks to Craig’s superb portrayal of Bond and the excellent idea of restarting the series with a “Bond begins” story, its back and as good as ever. Its gritty, funny, and above all absolutely riveting. Craig strikes precisely the right chord as James Bond after he receives his famed double-o status. Casino Royale was intentionally stripped down, so we’ll have to see if Craig can adapt if they decide to go big again. I believe he can.

1. Roger Moore 1973-1985
Live and Let Die, The Man With the Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, A View to a Kill

To put it simply, Roger Moore “got it”. While I love it and it has provided me with endless enjoyment over the years, the role of James Bond is completely ridiculous. A super spy, whom everyone knows, goes around the world seducing women, and foiling plots like Hugo Drax’ attempt to destroy all life on earth except for the pristine specimens he took into space on his Moonraker space shuttle. OK OK, so Moonraker is a little more over the top than most but you get my point. Moore understood the character better than any one else who has taken on the role. His best film, and my favorite of the series, is Live and Let Die. Voodoo, drugs, James Bond walking around Harlem, and Jane Seymour when she was still hot keep this one great from beginning to end. Also well worth another viewing if you haven’t seen it in a while is A View to a Kill. Moore is starting to show his age here (he was nearly 60 at the time), but it still features some of the best action sequences in the Bond series with a fight on top of the Golden Gate Bridge and a chase on the Eiffel Tower. It also has Christopher Walken as a genetically engineered East German computer baron who wants to destroy Silicon Valley. Classic.

Coming soon: Bond themes and Bond girls...

Ski Masks

So it's pretty fucking cold here in Chicago. With windchill it clocks in at a hearty 30 below. So I guess I shouldn't have been shocked when I got on the train this morning and there was a guy standing there wearing a ski mask. But I was. He was fat. He was wearing a maroon ski mask. I panicked. It took all the restraint I could muster not to tackle him and hold him down until help arrived.

So that's what it has come to has it, ski mask? Seriously, what ever happened to those? I remember when I was a kid and I had a navy blue one. And Sweet Iris was it warm. I would run around the front yard, oh so innocently, making snow forts and sweating like Marlon Brando vacationing in Cuba. But then as Bruce Hornsby would croon, "This is the eeeennndddd...of the innocence."

Now ski masks have become an international symbol of terror. Hell, even looking at the picture to the right, I literally pooped my pants. Yes literally. Cleanup in aisle one.

Who wears ski masks now? Bad guys. Terrorists. The occasional thug. Tough guys. Bank robbers. Home robbers. Rapists. Serial killers. Hippies. You won't catch any self respecting 'skier' dead in one. Though you may actually find a skier dead at the hands of a terrorist who was wearing one.

Well guess what? I'm going to bring the innocence of the ski mask back. That's right. I'm the least threatening person that I know, so I think it is appropriate that a peace loving man (see: wuss) such as myself brings it back. I'll start out with a non-threatening color. Black implies menace. Pink, homosexuality. Maybe a solid, non-threatening royal blue. Dress it up with some nice khaki slacks. Accessorize with a scarf. If this doesn't work and people still flee at the mere sight of me, I will start to skip. Yep, that's right, might as well bring skipping back too while I'm at it. Two birds with one stone. After all, what is less threatening then skipping? Perhaps galloping, but that's neither here nor there and could be debated into the night.

Now this may all sound a tad absurd and frankly you are probably angered that you have read this far into the post without getting so much as a chuckle. But one day, when you see your next door neighbor watering his lawn in a ski mask ('Howdy Neighbor!') or your grandmother knits you a ski mask for Christmas, you'll know where the trend started.

I'm bringing ski masks back. Next up: the fanny pack.

TMS Vacation 2007

In the grand scheme of things, February is quite possibly the worst month of the year for sports, most notably the nearly two week gap between the Super Bowl and when catchers and pitchers report.

So with nothing really worth reporting about (except for maybe tennis, which if you want good tennis coverage you can go here), we here at the Saloon have decided to take a vacation.

When we say vacation, we're not really talking about an actual hiatus, but rather a break from writing about sports. So from now until February 15, in a move that will surely kill off any regular readership we've built, our posts will be, for the most part, entirely sports free. I have no idea what this vacation will all entail, except for Tommy Buzanis' pledge to wear his banana hammock for the duration while crooning his favorite Buffet tunes.

One last thing before this extended sports break kicks off. Art Monk being snubbed once again for the HOF is complete horseshit, especially since Michael 'Cokey McSnortfuck' Irvin got in.

Whatever

Ugh. Fine, you have your stupid ring, now please get out of my life.

Oh and Peyton. Be sure and share that MVP award with Vinatieri, Dominic Rhodes, and your defense since they were the one's that actually won it for you. You winning the MVP is the equivalent of letting the retarded kid play 5th quarter basketball in junior high.

These sour grapes taste delicious. No seriously, try some.

Makaveli Branded

I don't have much to say about these, but I think everyone should be aware they exist and remain vigilant:

Tecmo Super Bowl XLI

It had been nearly two weeks since I last heard from the TMSSS2000. After the disaster that were his AFC/NFC championship predictions our favorite Tecmo simulator went into seclusion. I eventually found him holing up at the downtown YMCA, reeking of cigarettes and Night Train Express. His melancholy, down on his luck attitude wasn't so much about the bad sims from a couple weeks ago as it was from the news of Barbaro's death.

Like any classic 80's movie, just imagine me then delivering some inspirational speech to TMSSS2000, convincing him to get back into game shape and deliver just one more simulation for the Super Bowl, or else the hot dog stand at the ski camp will be taken over by the rich bully played by Billy Zabka. Then, just picture some long training montage with this song playing in the background.

Come on! You can't let Billy Zabka win!

So without further ado, here is the TMSSS2000 Version 2.0 bringing you Super Bowl XLI

Indianapolis Colts vs. Chicago Bears

Welcome to the most overhyped sporting event of the year! You can feel the 8-bit excitement as both teams have been introduced and we're ready to get underway.

Chicago wins the toss and elects to receive. Devin Hester gets things off right for the Bears with a nice return to the 50 yard line.

After an incomplete pass, Cedric Benson breaks away for a big gain and takes the Bears down to the 20 yard line. Grossman throws an incompletion, then finds Bernard Berrian in double coverage for a gain of 14.

On second and goal at the 6, Grossman dumps a short pass off to Thomas Jones who scores the touchdown (0-7 Bears). Chicago comes out swinging and puts the pressure on Indy early.

Colts begin their drive rather conservatively, running the ball on their first two plays for little to no gain. On third down, Manning drops back to pass, only to get sacked on the blitz by Brian Urlacher. Colts go 3 and out and punt.

Starting on their own 33 yard line. Benson breaks out for another big run taking it to the Colts 46. This is followed up with Benson fumbling on the very next play. Gilbert Gardner recovers and the Colts are back in business.

As the second quarter begins, the Colts continue their drive as Manning connects deep to Reggie Wayne, who takes it down to the 11. Peyton then proceeds to throw an incompletion before being sacked twice by Ogunleye and Ayanbadejo. TMSSS2000 begins to bitch to me that these names are too hard to spell and asks if we can change them to Dent and Hampton.

Vinatieri misses a 46 yard field goal. Perhaps his postseason magic was left behind in Foxboro.

Taking over at the 28, the Bears continue to feed the ball to Cedric Benson who drives them down to the Indy 42. After being sacked by Rob Morris, Grossman forces a bad pass on the next play which is picked off by Bob Sanders.

Manning, begins another drive, this time finding his man Marvin Harrison down at the Chicago 38. Another pass to Wayne gets them to the 22 yard line and the Colts are once again threatening to score.

Two incompletions and a 1 yard Joseph Addai run later and Vinatieri is kicking a 40 yard field goal to make it 3-7 Bears.

The Bears run a couple plays as time expires and we head to half time.

Being a huge Prince fan, the TMSSS2000 was pissed that he didn't sing Darling Nikki.

The Colts get the ball to start the half and do nothing with it going 3 and out.

Grossman throws for incompletion, Grossman throws for incompletion, Grossman throws for incompletion, Chicago punts.

Wow just like most Super Bowls, the TMSSS2000 is simulating this game to be equally boring apparently. The commercials haven't been too bad though. Being originally made in 1991, the TMSSS2000 has been playing Super Bowl commercials from back then. Oh MC Hammer, you really like your Pepsi don't you? Proper!

Finally some signs of life here as Manning connects with Dominic Rhodes on a short pass who breaks a tackle rumbles down to the 16. Peyton then appeared to take a page out of the Sexy Rexy playbook: Manning throws for incompletion, Manning throws for incompletion, Manning throws for incompletion. Vinatieri hits a 33 yard field goal (6-7 Bears).

Hester returns the kickoff close to the 50 again and the Bears are looking to widen their lead once more.

Benson still finding openings, has another big run, taking it down to the 21 yard line. Grossman throws a couple more incompletions before being sacked by Rob Morris for a huge loss. Robbie Gould then misses a 49 yard FG attempt.

Now in the fourth quarter, Manning and company try to take the lead as Joseph Addai takes them into Bears territory on a screen pass. The drive stalls however and being out of field goal range, the Colts are forced to punt.

The Bears are controlling the clock and are keeping the ball on the ground with runs by Jones and Benson. Benson once again breaks loose on a big run only to fumble for the second time today. The refs clear the pile on the ball and Bob Sanders has come up with it. The Colts get another chance.

With time winding down, Peyton finds Reggie Wayne on two consecutive plays and gets them down to the 8 yard line. With three seconds on the clock, Indy takes their final timeout as Adam Vinatieri heads out on the field for yet another chance to be a postseason hero. This should be a chip shot for him, and it is. The Colts win 9-7 on a field goal from Adam Vinatieri as time expires.




Adam, you son of a bitch!






Well that blows. The Bears defense did everything in their power to hold the Colts offense, but their own offense couldn't get the job done. This is sort of similar to how the Colts/Ravens game played out.

Super Bowl MVP, undoubtedly goes to Adam Vinatieri, who saved Manning's butt. Peyton may have his ring, but it was his kicker that earned it for him. Wait, why am I talking like this actually happened? For all I know (and hope), the Bears will trounce them.

Well that's it from us here at Tecmo Stadium. See you next year as a revamped and retooled TMSSS2000 will bring you more 8-bit entertainment.

2007 TMS Fantasy Baseball Player Rankings

For the Overall Top 150, go here.

I've played fantasy baseball for about 7 years now, and if there's one important thing I've learned, it's this: If you paid for a preseason fantasy cheat sheet or draft kit, you're a moron. So many sites out there put together these draft kit packages with rankings, projections, auction values, etc., and then sell it for around $15 to $20. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the folks that do this spend a lot of time and hard work on them. But for the average fantasy manager, for every draft kit/cheat sheet/whatever you dropped your hard-earned cash on, there was probably something just as useful for you out there for the great low price of free.

So to further help the frugal fantasy manager, I have decided to publish my 2007 positional rankings for you to peruse this preseason. I will update this post as the rankings change, so be sure and bookmark it. I'll also create a sidebar link to it for easy access from the front page.

A couple notes:

• Multi-positional players are ranked at every position they're most likely eligible at for your league. There may be some discrepancies based on different league formats. I hate it when you look at rankings and you see someone like Lance Berkman ranked amongst the 1B, but they don't bother ranking him at OF as well. Having said that, I realize there are several players that are eligible at certain positions on Yahoo that I do not have ranked. I may add them eventually, but for right now I'm going with what I've got.
  
• I don't have an overall ranking list, and I do not plan on publishing one any time soon.
• You can assume a basic 5x5 scoring system for these rankings. If your league is some wacky points league that's counting sacrifice hits during day games played on odd-number dates, or you have one of those iditotic leagues that is 12x12, you probably should be making your own rankings. If you just joined a public league for the first time and you have no idea what the hell 5x5 means, these rankings will work fine.
• Feel free to post comments, giving your own thoughts. Don't be a dick though, and don't just post some crap like "Matsui is waaaay too low and Abreu is waaaay too high", without actually giving your input or reasoning as to why.

Last updated: 3/23/07 - Note: I've now expanded the lists to top 30 and 60 at the respective positions.

CATCHER
Mike Piazza has dipped a little in the catcher ranks in recent years. But this season he's seeing a little boost to his value. Slated as the main DH for Oakland, Piazza should produce pretty solid numbers without being hampered with catching duties. We just hope he gets the minimum amount of starts behind the plate, so we remains eligible here for 2008.

1.	Joe Mauer, MIN
2.	Brian McCann, ATL
3.	Victor Martinez, CLE
4.	Kenji Johjima, SEA
5.	Ramon Hernandez, BAL
6.	Mike Piazza, OAK
7.	Jorge Posada, NYY
8.	Ivan Rodriguez, DET
9.	Michael Barrett, CHC
10.	Russell Martin, LAD
11.	A.J. Pierzynski, CHW
12.	Jason Varitek, BOS
13.	Paul Lo Duca, NYM
14.	Johnny Estrada, MIL
15.	Jason Kendall, OAK
16.	Bengie Molina, SF
17.	Gerald Laird, TEX
18.	Miguel Olivo, FLA
19.	Ronny Paulino, PIT
20.	David Ross, CIN
21.	Josh Bard, SD
22.	Gregg Zaun, TOR
23.	Chris Iannetta, COL
24.	Mike Napoli, LAA
25.	Rod Barajas, PHI
26.	Dioner Navarro, TB
27.	Miguel Montero, ARI
28.	Yadier Molina, STL
29.	Brian Schneider, WAS
30.	Chris Snyder, ARI

FIRST BASE
While they don't have eligibility here, and may not even get it this season, I hate having a DH ranking separate from everything else. Most leagues don't have a set DH slot, and the utility/flex slot can be used for anyone, so essentially you would need rank all the batters together then. So instead I am ranking the sole DH players at the position they would most likely play.

1.	Albert Pujols, STL
2.	Ryan Howard, PHI
3.	David Ortiz, BOS
4.	Lance Berkman, HOU
5.	Travis Hafner, CLE
6.	Mark Teixeira, TEX
7.	Justin Morneau, MIN
8.	Derrek Lee, CHC
9.	Paul Konerko, CHW
10.	Jim Thome, CHW
11.	Carlos Delgado, NYM
12.	Prince Fielder, MIL
13.	Richie Sexson, SEA
14.	Jason Giambi, NYY
15.	Victor Martinez, CLE
16.	Nick Swisher, OAK
17.	Todd Helton, COL
18.	Adam LaRoche, PIT
19.	Lyle Overbay, TOR
20.	Adrian Gonzalez, SD
21.	Frank Thomas, TOR
22.	Howie Kendrick, LAA
23.	Nomar Garciaparra, LAD
24.	Conor Jackson, ARI
25.	Nick Johnson, WAS
26.	Kevin Youkilis, BOS
27.	Mike Jacobs, FLA
28.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
29.	Ryan Shealy, KC
30.	Shea Hillenbrand, LAA

SECOND BASE
I know what you're thinking, no Neifi? Blasphemy! Also I realize that Felipe Lopez doesn't currently have 2B eligibility, but sources I've read have Lopez starting at 2B for 2007 with Cristian (how the hell do I still have a job) Guzman is at SS for the Nats. Update: I have added Ryan Freel to the list.

1.	Chase Utley, PHI
2.	Brian Roberts, BAL
3.	Robinson Cano, NYY
4.	Felipe Lopez, WAS
5.	Julio Lugo, BOS
6.	Rickie Weeks, MIL
7.	Dan Uggla, FLA
8.	Josh Barfield, CLE
9.	Tadahito Iguchi, CHW
10.	Ian Kinsler, TEX
11.	Jeff Kent, LAD
12.	Brandon Phillips, CIN
13.	Howie Kendrick, LAA
14.	Ray Durham, SF
15.	Freddy Sanchez, PIT
16.	Ryan Freel, CIN
17.	Orlando Hudson, ARI
18.	Marcus Giles, SD
19.	Jorge Cantu, TB
20.	Luis Castillo, MIN
21.	Jose Lopez, SEA
22.	Chris Burke, HOU
23.	Placido Polanco, DET
24.	Mark DeRosa, CHC
25.	Craig Biggio, HOU
26.	Ty Wigginton, TB
27.	Jose Castillo, PIT
28.	Jose Vidro, SEA
29.	Aaron Hill, TOR
30.	Adam Kennedy, STL

THIRD BASE
Remember when third base was a cesspool for fantasy talent? You either drafted Rolen or Chipper right away, or else you were stuck with Joe frickin' Randa at the hot corner. Not the case any more. Hell, David Wright is an absolute stud and he's the third best option at his position. Also Alex Gordon looks to be the run away favorite for the preseason "young player every manager is freaking out about" award. If he is as good as he appears, how many years will it be before he's in Yankee pinstripes as A-Rod's replacement?

1.	Alex Rodriguez, NYY
2.	Miguel Cabrera, FLA
3.	David Wright, NYM
4.	Aramis Ramirez, CHC
5.	Garrett Atkins, COL
6.	Ryan Zimmerman, WAS
7.	Chone Figgins, LAA
8.	Scott Rolen, STL
9.	Chipper Jones, ATL
10.	Troy Glaus, TOR
11.	Chad Tracy, ARI
12.	Adrian Beltre, SEA
13.	Eric Chavez, OAK
14.	Mark Teahen, KC
15.	Joe Crede, CHW
16.	Melvin Mora, BAL
17.	Edwin Encarnacion, CIN
18.	Hank Blalock, TEX
19.	Freddy Sanchez, PIT
20.	Alex Gordon, KC
21.	Morgan Ensberg, HOU
22.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
23.	Brandon Inge, DET
24.	Akinori Iwamura, TB
25.	Mike Lowell, BOS
26.	B.J. Upton, TB
27.	Rich Aurilia, SF
28.	Kevin Kouzmanoff, SD
29.	Pedro Feliz, SF
30.	Shea Hillenbrand, LAA

SHORTSTOP
Nothing shocking here really. You may notice that last year's preseason MVP favorite and ESPN mancrush Bobby Crosby doesn't even crack the Top 20 this year.

1.	Jose Reyes, NYM
2.	Derek Jeter, NYY
3.	Jimmy Rollins, PHI
4.	Hanley Ramirez, FLA
5.	Miguel Tejada, BAL
6.	Rafael Furcal, LAD
7.	Michael Young, TEX
8.	Carlos Guillen, DET
9.	Bill Hall, MIL
10.	Felipe Lopez, WAS
11.	Julio Lugo, BOS
12.	Edgar Renteria, ATL
13.	Orlando Cabrera, LAA
14.	Freddy Sanchez, PIT
15.	Stephen Drew, ARI
16.	Jhonny Peralta, CLE
17.	Omar Vizquel, SF
18.	Khalil Greene, SD
19.	Troy Tulowitzki, COL
20.	Rich Aurilia, CIN
21.	Jason Bartlett, MIN
22.	Yuniesky Betancourt, SEA
23.	David Eckstein, STL
24.	Aaron Hill, TOR
25.	Bobby Crosby, OAK
26.	Juan Uribe, CHW
27.	J.J. Hardy, MIL
28.	Alex Gonzalez, CIN
29.	Jack Wilson, PIT
30.	Nick Punto, MIN

OUTFIELD
A couple guys here aren't technically eligible at OF, yet. Bill Hall and Mark Teahen both are slated to play outfield this season. If that's the case, they should have OF eligibility within the first week or so. Hall may seem a little high, but his possible dual-eligibility at SS and OF bumps up his value a bit.

1.	Alfonso Soriano, CHC
2.	Carl Crawford, TB
3.	Vladimir Guerrero, LAA
4.	Carlos Beltran, NYM
5.	Lance Berkman, HOU
6.	Grady Sizemore, CLE
7.	Matt Holliday, COL
8.	Manny Ramirez, BOS
9.	Jason Bay, PIT
10.	Carlos Lee, CHW
11.	Ichiro Suzuki, SEA
12.	Vernon Wells, TOR
13.	Bobby Abreu, NYY
14.	Andruw Jones, ATL
15.	Jermaine Dye, CHW
16.	Johnny Damon, NYY
17.	Chone Figgins, LAA
18.	Adam Dunn, CIN
19.	Juan Pierre, LAD
20.	Hideki Matsui, NYY
21.	Gary Sheffield, DET
22.	Bill Hall, MIL
23.	Torii Hunter, MIN
24.	Delmon Young, TB
25.	Alex Rios, TOR
26.	Nick Swisher, OAK
27.	Raul Ibanez, SEA
28.	Magglio Ordonez, DET
29.	Rocco Baldelli, TB
30.	Jeff Francoeur, ATL
31.	Michael Cuddyer, MIN
32.	Mike Cameron, SD
33.	Corey Patterson, BAL
34.	J.D. Drew, BOS
35.	Mark Teahen, KC
36.	Coco Crisp, BOS
37.	Willy Taveras, COL
38.	Pat Burrell, PHI
39.	Nick Markakis, BAL
40.	Eric Byrnes, ARI
41.	Barry Bonds, SF
42.	Dave Roberts, SF
43.	Josh Willingham, FLA
44.	Gary Matthews Jr., LAA
45.	Aubrey Huff, BAL
46.	Ryan Freel, CIN
47.	Brad Hawpe, COL
48.	Carlos Quentin, ARI
49.	Brian Giles, SD
50.	Chris Young, ARI
51.	Curtis Granderson, DET
52.	Craig Monroe, DET
53.	Jacque Jones, CHC
54.	Austin Kearns, CIN
55.	Ken Griffey Jr., CIN
56.	Scott Podsednik, CHW
57.	Aaron Rowand, PHI
58.	Chris Duncan, STL
59.	Moises Alou, NYM
60.	David DeJesus, KC

STARTING PITCHER
Starting pitching is usually the most disputed position as far as fantasy rankings go. Everyone has their own personal opinion. Some highly rate the up and coming youngsters, while others like the proven record of a seasoned vet. I try to find the happy medium here.

1.	Johan Santana, MIN
2.	Chris Carpenter, STL
3.	Roy Oswalt, HOU
4.	Brandon Webb, ARI
5.	Roy Halladay, TOR
6.	Jake Peavy, SD
7.	Carlos Zambrano, CHC
8.	John Smoltz, ATL
9.	C.C. Sabathia, CLE
10.	John Lackey, LAA
11.	Ben Sheets, MIL
12.	Felix Hernandez, SEA
13.	Jeremy Bonderman, DET
14.	Aaron Harang, CIN
15.	Daisuke Matsuzaka, BOS
16.	Scott Kazmir, TB
17.	Brett Myers, PHI
18.	Dan Haren, OAK
19.	Chris Young, SD
20.	Curt Schilling, BOS
21.	Jason Schmidt, LAD
22.	Dontrelle Willis, FLA
23.	Jered Weaver, LAA
24.	Bronson Arroyo, CIN
25.	Matt Cain, SF
26.	Rich Harden, OAK
27.	Mike Mussina, NYY
28.	Erik Bedard, BAL
29.	Cole Hamels, PHI
30.	Barry Zito, SF
31.	Justin Verlander, DET
32.	Randy Johnson, ARI
33.	Chris Capuano, MIL
34.	Jonathan Papelbon, BOS
35.	A.J. Burnett, TOR
36.	Dave Bush, MIL
37.	Andy Pettitte, NYY
38.	Ervin Santana, LAA
39.	Josh Beckett, BOS
40.	Freddy Garcia, PHI
41.	Derek Lowe, LAD
42.	Kelvim Escobar, LAA
43.	Rich Hill, CHC
44.	Scott Olsen, FLA
45.	Kevin Millwood, TEX
46.	Javier Vazquez, CHW
47.	Brad Penny, LAD
48.	John Patterson, WAS
49.	Ian Snell, PIT
50.	Anibal Sanchez, FLA
51.	Greg Maddux, SD
52.	Chuck James, ATL
53.	Josh Johnson, FLA
54.	Chien-Ming Wang, NYY
55.	Tim Hudson, ATL
56.	Cliff Lee, CLE
57.	Jose Contreras, CHW
58.	Ted Lilly, CHC
59.	Jon Garland, CHW
60.	Adam Wainwright, STL

RELIEF PITCHER
This is such a volatile position that keeping a decent ranking for it becomes tough. While the top 15-20 is remains fairly steady, the fringe guys are tough to gauge. Since they're not reflected in my rankings here's a quick note of closer situations around the league to keep in mind.

BOSTON - Looks like the Papelboner is in fact closing now.
TAMPA BAY - Seth McClung has looked like shit. Al Reyes or Chad Orvella could takeover.
CHICAGO (AL) - Bobby Jenks has been miserable this Spring. Keep Mike MacDougal on standby.
FLORIDA - Avoid this situation like the plague for now. Tankersley is not a decent option and probably shouldn't be ranked right now. Matt Lindstrom may become the Marlins closer.
CINCINNATI - The Stanton/Weathers combo is vomit-inducing. But the possible re-emergence of Dustin Hermanson is worth keeping an eye on.
PITTSBURGH - Torres appears to have the job for now, but if you're in a keeper league, consider grabbing Matt Capps.

1.	Joe Nathan, MIN
2.	Francisco Rodriguez, LAA
3.	Mariano Rivera, NYY
4.	B.J. Ryan, TOR
5.	Billy Wagner, NYM
6.	J.J. Putz, SEA
7.	Huston Street, OAK
8.	Trevor Hoffman, SD
9.	Takashi Saito, LAD
10.	Bobby Jenks, CHW
11.	Chad Cordero, WAS
12.	Francisco Cordero, MIL
13.	Chris Ray, BAL
14.	Tom Gordon, PHI
15.	Brad Lidge. HOU
16.	Brian Fuentes, COL
17.	Eric Gagne, TEX
18.	Bob Wickman, ATL
19.	Jason Isringhausen, STL
20.	Jose Valverde, ARI
21.	Todd Jones, DET
22.	Salomon Torres, PIT
23.	Joel Zumaya, DET
24.	Octavio Dotel, KC
25.	Joe Borowski, CLE
26.	Ryan Dempster, CHC
27.	Scot Shields, LAA
28.	Armando Benitez, SF
29.	David Weathers, CIN
30.	Taylor Tankersley, FLA