Bartender Banter: Great Halls of Fire

Well the ballots are in and it's no surprise that Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken were overwhelming chosen to represent the Class of 2007 to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Here's the voting breakdown. Goose Gossage got a little closer than last year but still missed out by 21 votes.

Most alarming is that McGwire only got 128 votes on the record 545 ballots cast. I knew there would be backlash against him but I didn't think it would be that harsh. We'll see how he fares next year since there are those tools out there that weren't going to vote for him the first time around, which is one of the most asinine things I've heard. You either intend on voting for him or you don't. What difference does it make if he ends up getting in eventually on a later ballot? Do people really remember who got in after multiple tries as opposed to those who got in immediately? Lots of guys get in after a handful of years on the ballot (Ryne Sandberg, Gary Carter, Carlton Fisk, Harmon Killebrew, Duke Snider, Don Drysdale, Billy Williams, Fergie Jenkins, Hoyt Wilhelm, Juan Marichal to name a few). Does that make them lesser HOF inductees?

Then there's the whole blank ballot submission. There were two this year, one admittedly submitted by Paul Ladewski of the Daily Southtown. His reason was essentially in protest to players that played during the Steroids Era. Fine if you don't like the guys who fall under the dark cloud of performance enhancers, but Jesus, we all know Ripken and Gwynn most likely weren't a part of that. I mean has the guy ever seen Tony Gwynn's physique? Unless Denny's Moons Over My Hammy is considered a performance-enhancing substance, I don't think you have to worry about ol' Tony. And if you really wanted to send a message to the supposed juicers, then how about voting for those folks that played prior to that time, who are still on the ballot? Guys like Rice, Dawson, Mattingly, and Dale Murphy. Guys that were the most-feared sluggers of their era and have since been largely ignored, mainly because of the highly inflated statistics from the latter era that you so much abhor. Submitting a blank ballot is idiotic and you shouldn't be allowed the privilege to fill one out next year or any year for that matter.

This marked the 15th and final year for Steve Garvey to be on the ballot. Godspeed Steve. Say 'hi' to Ronnie on the Veterans Committee ballot for me.

I'll be back tomorrow with the TMSSS2000 results for this week's NFL games.

The All-80's Team: AL Starting Pitchers

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We've finished with the National League and now we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

In a close race, Reggie Jackson narrowly edged out Harold Baines to be named starting AL DH. Now we move on to starting pitchers.

AMERICAN LEAGUE STARTING PITCHERS

Bert Blyleven
Cleveland Indians (1981-85), Minnesota Twins (1985-88), California Angels (1989)

All-Star: 1985
Postseason: 1987 WS
League Leader: Shutouts 1985 & 1989

Notes: Blyleven is one of those pitchers that gets arguments from both sides of the fence on whether he should or should not be in the Hall of Fame. I think he should, but I'm also pretty liberal with everyone I'd like to see in. One thing's for sure. Bert's broadcasting skills probably aren't getting him a Ford Frick Award any time soon.






Mike Boddicker
Baltimore Orioles (1980-88), Boston Red Sox (1988-89)

All-Star: 1984
Awards: 1983 ALCS MVP
Postseason: 1983 WS, 1988 ALCS
League Leader: 1984 ERA, Wins, 1983 Shutouts

Notes: Boddicker was a stud early in his career, winning 20 games for the Orioles in 1984. In 1988 he was traded to the Boston Red Sox for a couple unknown young guys named Brady Anderson and Curt Schilling.






Roger Clemens
Boston Red Sox (1984-89)

Nickname: The Rocket
All-Star: 1986, 1988
Awards: 1986 AL Cy Young, 1987 AL Cy Young, 1986 AL MVP
Postseason: 1986 WS, 1988 ALCS
League Leader: 1986 ERA, Wins, 1987 Wins, Shutouts, 1988 Strikeouts, Shutouts

Notes: Well most of you should know this guy. Roger was the man in Boston for the latter half of the 1980's. While it's still purely speculative, many believe he is in fact the antichrist.





Ron Guidry
New York Yankees (1980-1988)

Nickname: Gator, Louisiana Lightning
All-Star: 1982, 1983
Gold Gloves: 1982-86
Postseason: 1980 ALCS, 1981 WS
League Leader: 1985 Wins

Notes: One of the most feared lefties in the early 80's, Gator had 2 of his 3 20-win seasons in this decade. Guidry was also known for his great glovework, winning 5 straight Gold Gloves. By the late 80's arm troubles had taken their toll and he officially retired in 1989.





Teddy Higuera
Milwaukee Brewers (1985-89)

All-Star: 1986

Notes: Milwaukee's answer to Fernandomania, this wily Mexican busted onto the scene in the latter half of the decade. Teddy went 78-44 during 5 seasons in the 80's and averaged 171.2 strikeouts per season. He quickly flamed out in the 90's and was last seen running a car wash in East Los Angeles.









LaMarr Hoyt
Chicago White Sox (1980-84)

All-Star: 1985 (with the Padres)
Awards: 1983 AL Cy Young
Postseason: 1983 ALCS
League Leader: Wins 1982, 1983

Notes: Often mistaken for a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dewey LaMarr Hoyt's short career peaked in 1982 and 1983 where he won 43 games for the Sox over that span. LaMarr loved pitching, but not as much as he loved cocaine. Hoyt's drug problems would push him out of baseball before the end of the decade.





Jimmy Key
Toronto Blue Jays (1984-89)

All-Star: 1985
Postseason: 1985 ALCS, 1989 ALCS
League Leader: 1987 ERA

Notes: For nine seasons, Jimmy Key was top pitcher for the Blue Jays, helping them make the playoffs twice but never winning the World Series. Then in 1993 he signed with the Yankees and Toronto went on to.....doh!








Mark Langston
Seattle Mariners (1984-89)

All-Star: 1987
Gold Gloves: 1987, 1989
League Leader: Strikeouts 1984, 1986, 1987

Notes: Talk about squandered talent. Langston spent his best years pitching for a horrible Seattle club that never had a winning record while he was there. Despite that, Langston still managed to have some solid seasons, including going 19-13 in 1987. Mark struck out over 200 batters in 5 different seasons in the 1980's, leading the league three of those times.






Jack Morris
Detroit Tigers (1980-89)

All-Star: 1981, 1984, 1985, 1987
Postseason: 1984 WS, 1987 ALCS
League Leader: 1981 Wins, 1986 Shutouts

Notes: Like Blyleven, Jack has a devout core of fans that are pushing for his entry into the HOF. Morris was a postseason stud. In 1984 he pitched two complete game wins for the Tigers to help them defeat the Padres in the World Series. He'd later top that with his effort in 1991 with the Twins. Morris posted a winning record in 9 of his 10 seasons in the decade including two 20-win years.





Bret Saberhagen
Kansas City Royals (1984-89)

All-Star: 1987
Awards: 1985 AL Cy Young, 1985 WS MVP, 1989 AL Cy Young
Gold Gloves: 1989
Postseason: 1984 ALCS, 1985 WS
League Leader: 1989 ERA, Wins

Notes: Saberhagen was an absolute ace for the Royals. In 1985 at the age of 21, Bret won the Cy Young Award as well as the World Series MVP after winning two games against the Cardinals including a complete game shutout. Bret would also have an outstanding Cy Young season in 1989 where he went
23-6 with a 2.16 ERA.



Dave Stewart
Texas Rangers (1983-85), Oakland A's (1986-89)

Nickname: Smoke
All-Star: 1989
Awards: 1989 WS MVP
Postseason: 1988 WS, 1989 WS
League Leader: 1987 Wins, 1988 Complete Games

Notes: Not to be confused with this Dave Stewart, the man known as Smoke was signed in 1986 by Oakland following what had been a pretty lackluster major league career so far. Stewart proceeded to rattle off 4 straight 20 win seasons and became the ace of the Oakland staff.





Dave Stieb
Toronto Blue Jays (1980-89)

Nickname: Sir David
All-Star: 1980, 1981, 1983-85, 1988
Postseason: 1985 ALCS, 1989 ALCS
League Leader: 1982 Shutouts, 1985 ERA

Notes: Stieb was a horse for the Blue Jays throughout the decade. He also made more All-Star teams in the 80's than any other pitcher on this list. Stieb was inducted into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame in 2005.







Frank Viola
Minnesota Twins (1982-89)

Nickname: Sweet Music
All-Star: 1988
Awards: 1987 WS MVP, 1988 AL Cy Young
Postseason: 1987 WS
League Leader: 1988 Wins

Notes: Viola was a major fan-favorite in Minnesota. In 1987, Frank won the World Series MVP as helped the Twins defeat the St. Louis Cardinals. He would then follow that up with a phenomenal season in '88, going 24-7 with 193 K's and a 2.64 ERA. The Twins would trade him to the Mets the following season.




Pete Vuckovich
Milwaukee Brewers (1981-86)

Awards: 1982 AL Cy Young
Postseason: 1981 ALDS, 1982 WS
League Leader: 1981 Wins

Notes: From Wikipedia: "Vuckovich developed a reputation for bizarre, hyper-competitive behavior during his eleven season career. He would fidget, twitch, pace, and convulse while on the mound. He was known to cross his eyes and stick his tongue out at batters. He would spit in his glove, scream at umpires while in the stretch, and sometimes step to the back of the mound and dry heave. His colorful personality made him a fan favorite." Never mind all that though. Aside from sporting a sweet man-perm, Pete is best known as Clue Haywood from the movie "Major League".


Mike Witt
California Angels (1981-89)

All-Star: 1986, 1987
Postseason: 1982 ALCS, 1986 ALCS

Notes: Witt was one of the best pitchers for the Angels in the mid-1980's. In 1984, Mike threw only the 11th perfect game in baseball history. The wheels came off his career in 1987 when he began to lose his overpowering stuff. His strikeout numbers began to decline and by age 32 was out of the league.








Be sure and vote for your choices for AL Starting Pitchers for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar. NOTE: You can vote for multiple players.

BCZzzzzz....

Well that was a title game for the ages. Can we just pretend the Boise State - Oklahoma game was the real championship? It's much more fun to pretend that the Broncos are the National Champs rather than another team from Florida. Although Florida's playground inspired, EA Sports-engineered playbook is mildly entertaining, the entertainment value was negated by Ohio State's inability to keep up. Oh, and did you hear that crash? That's Troy Smith falling to the second day of the draft!

On the positive side, I was able to finish my book, Fargo Rock City, and catch the last two-thirds of "Rambo: First Blood Part II". As a kid, my mom wouldn't even let me own toy guns, much less watch what was, at the time, the self proclaimed 'most violent movie of an era'. What a perfectly enjoyable cheeseball of a film, devoid of any dialogue. Sure, I'll pretend that I only enjoyed it ironically, but we all know the real truth. Indeed, at time the tension runs high, enough so that I once uttered hopefully, 'C'mon John!' I was immediately shamed. Not any more than the Buckeyes though.

Bartender Banter: Tony Homo Forever

For the last few weeks our site has received a good share of hits from people googling "Tony Homo", after the Governor's succinct War Criminal piece. At one time we were actually the top site listed in the search. Then recently I checked back and we were bumped down the search list by a blog entitled none other than "Tony Homo". This glorious blog was written entirely from the viewpoint of Dallas QB also-ran Drew Bledsoe. It looks as if the Tony Homo experience has officially ended though, following the homo-tastic finale Saturday in Seattle. Since then the author has moved on to his new site "Straight Cash, Homey". Anyway, if you have some free time, check it out and relive the majesty of TonyHomoMania '06. You can conveniently find it currently as our LF Link of the Week.

TMSSS2000 Works!
Well sort of. Both teams didn't cover but they did both win, and Tony Homo did fumble to end it for the Cowboys just like in the sim. I'll take that as a successful prediction, meaning you can look forward to some more glimpses into the super pixelated crystal ball later this week. I'm not sure if I'll do all the games but rest assured, the Bears-Seahawks will be examined.

Poor Man's War Criminal: Bill Belichick's Sweatshirt

You make millions of dollars every year. You've coached your team to three Super Bowl victories. You've been dubbed a 'genius' by sportswriters and pundits everywhere.

So take off that fucking sweatshirt.

I suppose your line of thinking is, 'I've won 3 Super Bowl's, so I've earned the right to wear whatever I damn well please.'

Well Billy Boy, you look like a jackass and you are disgracing your legacy. You think people outside of the ESPN/Massachusetts bubble are going to remember you for your Super Bowl victories? No. Hell, I had to Google how many Super Bowls you had won, because I couldn't remember if it was two or three. But what is etched, nay burned, into my mind is your slovenly wardrobe. No excuse. Just unacceptable by all accounts.

Take a cue from your contemporaries. When I saw Jack Del Rio roaming the sideline in a suit, I'll tell you what I did. Listen up Bill. Goddammit, I stood up in my living room and started clapping. Slowly at first. Then progressively faster, adding a few 'Hell Yeahs' and fist pumps for good measure. A bona fide one man standing ovation. He looked like a real man who was proud of his job. Not some hobo who slept on the El Train all night and awoke in the morning with pissed pants and breath reeking of danger.

Last nights game against your former lover Eric Mangini was a new low. You not only wore your customary gray sweatshirt (do you not at least own another color to rotate in?), but you cut off the sleeves! Hayseus Christ! What is that, a fleece poncho? It's like one of those lame potato-sack, multi-colored ponchos you bought in Mexico back in Spring Break 91'.

Well, if anything Bill, your slovenly appearance and surly demeanor have made me want to be a better person. I will start working out. I will update my wardrobe. I will smile more. And for the love of all that is sacred, I will keep the sleeves on my hoodies intact.

Bill, you are an inspiration to us all. I hope they bury you in that outfit.

Rollie Got Fingered

Rollie Fingers is the 7th biggest tax cheat in Wisconsin. Why do I care? I don't, but it gave me an excuse to post this picture:

Damn You Tony!!!!!!!

It was my chance to shine......Heart was in my throat....Down by 1.......1:19 on the clock.....

After winning a Super Bowl with the Buccaneers in '03, my life fell to shambles. I was cut from the Bucs in '04 after missing 5 consecutive field goals in a 2 game stretch including 2 possible game winners. I toiled in obscurity until the beginning of this year when the Patriots took a chance and invited me to camp only to cut me as camp expired. I was ready to hang up my cleats and retire to Paraguay to grow cocaine and play soccer. Then Jerry Jones called. He wanted me to join the Cowboys who were a legitimate playoff contender. Yahtzee!!! I had the game winning kick against the Giants and Coach Parcells wanted to bed me. Jerry Jones gave me head in the locker room. All was good in my life.

Even after losing games and making it into the playoffs by a thread, I was confident that I would have a chance yet again to be a Super Bowl Champion. Then there was our 1st round game at Seattle. First Quarter, I kick a 50 yard field goal to tie the score at 3-3. I could already envision myself in the next Chunky soup commercial. Third quarter, I kick yet another field goal this time of the 39 yard variety. Stuart Scott's voice was ringing in my head "Boo-Ya, kid's clutch when the games on the line" I could even see that one eye of his dancing all over my TV. Then after a bizarre series of events, there it was.....

Ball on the 2......snap was good.....my steps were on.....

Then Tony Homo drops the ball. I am forced to block (of all things) and Homo scrambles back to the line of scrimmage and Qwest Field erupts. The rest of the clock melts away and I, the great Martin Gramatica was left on the sideline to wait yet another day to be a hero. I may not be back in the league next year. The pundits will blame me for what happened. Not Tony the Golden Boy. He dates Carrie Underwood. I date the Undertaker. He's America's boy. I'm America's jack-ass.

I openly hope that Tony is released by the Cowboys and ends up in NFL Europe where he catches diphtheria and poops a lot. Then he will know how it feels to be screwed in the behind when all of the money is on the line.

Color Me Ignorant

So I just cruised over to espn.com. I had no idea Chris Leak was Black. See for yourself. As Jesus once said, "you learn something new every day".

Chip's Playoff Picks: Tecmo Style

Chip here, bringing my surefire can't-miss picks for this week's NFL playoff games. How can I be so positive on the accuracy of my predictions you ask? Well I've got a secret weapon. Behold, the TMS Super Simulator 2000!

Admit it you're impressed. No? Tecmo Super Bowl? I don't know what you're talking about this...uh....alright you got me. This is nothing more than Tecmo Super Bowl on an NES emulator with the rosters edited and retrofitted to the 2006 season*.

I didn't have time to do all the games so I picked two to cover, Seattle vs. Dallas and Indianapolis vs. Kansas City. Anyway, sit back and prepare to be dazzled by the magic of 8-bit technology!



Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks

This game has the closest spread of the four with Seattle favored by 3 according to most sports books.

Seattle won the toss and has elected to receive.

On the opening drive Seattle has no problem driving down the field as they score on a 12 yard QB keeper by Matt Hasselbeck (0-7 SEA).

Dallas isn't so lucky, as Romo is sacked once by Lofa Tatupu before throwing an interception to Ken Hamlin.

Seattle's ensuing drive lasts through to the beginning of the second quarter, where Shaun Alexander runs it in for TD (0-14 SEA).

Cowboys receive the kickoff with horrible field position. The TMS simulator has no regards for the touchback and will run every kick out of the endzone. With the ball on the 12, Romo is sacked on two straight plays, the second for a safety (0-16 SEA).

On the next drive Seattle takes it into Cowboy territory. But two straight sacks from Marcus Spears forces a FG on fourth down. Josh Brown nails it from 42 yards (0-19 SEA).

The Cowboys next drive looks good until Ken Hamlin once again picks off Tony Romo. With very little time left in the half, Seattle drives down close enough for Josh Brown to hit a 52 yard field goal as time expires (0-22 SEA at halftime).



Ken Hamlin gave Tony Homo fits in the first half.






The Cowboys come out firing on all cylinders and cap off an impressive drive with a TD pass to Terry Glenn. Over a full half has been played and not a single ball has been thrown T.O.'s way (7-22 SEA).

The Seahawks answer right back as Hasselbeck finds Darrell Jackson several times including one catch in the endzone. 8-bit T.O. can be seen shouting obscenities at Romo (7-29 SEA).

The shouting must have worked as the Cowboys use a bit of trickery and run a reverse with Owens. Terrell takes it 35 yards for the score (14-29 SEA).

Seattle goes nowhere on the next drive and is forced to punt. Dallas returns it to their 20 yard line to end the third quarter.

With a chance to make it a game Dallas begins their 80-yard drive. Romo throws two incompletions before being sacked for a 13 yard loss. On 4th and 23 on their own 7 yard line Parcells decides to go for it. They hand the ball off to Julius Jones who gets stuffed for a minimal gain. It appears 8-bit Parcells has lost faith in his QB.

Seattle goes nowhere with the excellent field position as Jason Ferguson sacks Hasselbeck twice. Josh Brown hits a field goal from 35 yards (14-32 SEA).

Dallas is hanging on by a thread and the crowd seems to be getting to them. They begin what looks like a promising drive, until Julius Jones fumbles and Seattle recovers. Josh Brown hits his fourth field goal of the game as it appears all but over for the Cowpokes (14-35 SEA).

With hardly any time left, Dallas attempts one last futile try for a score only to lose the ball on a Tony Romo fumble as time expires. Seattle wins, 35-14.

The player of the game is Ken Hamlin, whose two interceptions killed any momentum Dallas had in the first half. Here are the final stats:

Despite the high score it was a pretty anemic offensive showing for both teams. Much to my delight, Tony Romo was horrible, throwing two interceptions, fumbling once and getting sacked 4 times, once for a safety.

So rest easy gamblers. Seattle will easily cover the 3 point spread.








Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts

Indy is favored by 7 points in this match and many feel that KC has a shot here, given that Larry Johnson should have a field day running against the Colts horrible run D. Well let's see what the TMSSS2000 has to say about it. Hopefully it will be a little more exciting than the horribly lopsided Seahawks-Cowboys game.

Indy won the toss and was all business coming out of the gate. Manning had no problem finding his favorite target Marvin Harrison for the game's first TD (0-7 IND).

KC answers right back with a lengthy drive of their own as Trent Green finds Samie Parker for a 35 yard TD pass (7-7).

Early in the second quarter, Indy once again drives with ease as Joseph Addai runs it in for another TD (7-14 IND).

Like last game, thumbing it's nose at the prospects of a touchback, the TSMSSS2000 makes KC run the kickoff out of the endzone as they get murdered with horrible field position. Predictably, Trent Green is sacked by Robert Mathis for a safety. (7-16 IND).

On the following drive, Indy again cannot be stopped as Peyton finds Marvin Harrison yet again for a TD. So much for this being close (7-23).

With time running out in the first half, the Chiefs begin unleashing the fury that is Larry Johnson (who mysteriously looks a lot like Christian Okoye) onto the Colts D. Indy looks helpless as Johnson rumbles down the field and eventually scores. We can only imagine how much more damage he could have done if the TMSSS2000 knew how to do the zigzag running pattern trick (14-23 IND at halftime.



Christ! Peyton is even ugly in 8-bit graphics!






KC starts the second half, much like how they ended the first, with Larry Johnson running wild. Johnson finds the endzone again, as the Chiefs have made a game of this (21-23 IND).

Unfazed, Peyton begins another successful drive. He throws a long pass to Reggie Wayne, who fumbles the ball at the Chiefs 20 yard line. Patrick Surtain recovers. The Colts crowd is shellshocked.

The Chiefs take the ball down into Colts territory before having to settle for a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes. The Chiefs have now rattled off 17 unanswered points to take the lead (24-23 KC).



Lawrence Tynes stealing the "Point to Jesus" move from Carlos Zambrano. Apparently Lawrence also went 'throwback' sporting the single bar face mask of Nick Lowery glory.




The Colts begin the fourth quarter with yet another scoring drive. Reggie Wayne redeems himself by catching a big pass on 3rd and long. Joseph Addai runs in for the TD (24-30 IND).

The Chiefs follow up with more Larry Johnson. Faced with a fourth down well within field goal range and enough time on the clock for a second possession, 8-bit Herm Edwards stupidly goes for it and just falls short on a dump pass to Johnson.

With Indy just trying to run the clock down, Manning says 'fuck it' and launches it deep to Reggie Wayne to put the final nail in the coffin as he scores on a 60+ yard touchdown, covering the spread (24-37).

With barely any time left, KC just runs the clock out as Trent Green heaves a couple lame duck incompletions. The Colts wins 37-24.

Despite the loss I'm giving Larry Johnson, Player of the Game. Check out the stats. The guy ran for 17.4 yards per carry! That and like Chaim, I refuse to acknowledge Peyton Manning being any good, even in simulated 8-bit form.




















So that one came out fairly realistic. Larry Johnson did in fact run all over the Chiefs, but Indy's high-powered offense was just too much, coupled with Herm Edwards mismanagement of the fourth down in field goal range. So there you have it. Bettors rest assured that Indy and Seattle will have no problems covering their spreads thanks to the TMSSS2000.


*I know I'm a fucking nerd. No need to state the obvious here.

The Luck of the Muslims

Its official. The luck of the Irish has officially run out. It melted away in the Louisiana Superdome on Wednesday night as the seconds ticked off and LSU capped off their season with a resounding 41-14 victory over Notre Dame. Is anybody shocked? Besides the Notre Dame student body, faculty, alumni, parents, and the morons that flock to this program because they are part Irish, was there anybody that thought Notre Dame had a shot? Does anybody have any relief for Ol Chuck Weis and his Majerus-sized gut??

I do. Its not John Basedow and the Fitness Made Simple program. Its a name change. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish will now be known as The Notre Dame Fighting Muslims.

The luck has simply run out in South Bend and its high time that Touchdown Jesus turned into Touchdown Allah.

Lets face it, Irish people are drunks. They sit in taverns all night sipping black foamy lager listening to U2 and watching soccer. Muslims pray a lot. They can also be very violent. Ask any red-blooded American soldier in Iraq what their worst nightmare is and they'll likely tell you that its a cameljockey with a mange ravaged beard in a robe barking about Jihad with an RPG Rocketlauncher. Not a midget with a red beard and a four leaf clover stitched on his back.

Would there be anything more menacing for an opposing team than to come to Notre Dame Stadium in South Bend on a Saturday, run through the tunnel onto the field only to realize that it was made of sand, and to see the home team kneeling on rugs, kissing a copy of the Koran? Sounds much more scary than the current surroundings which make you feel like you are going to church.

Another good reason to take on the name of the Fighting Muslims would be that Americans could finally afford gas again. The trillion dollar oil companies in the Middle East would pack the stadium every week and gas prices would plunge in America. We could get a full tank of gas for the same amount it would cost us to go into a local watering hole and purchase a pint of that black foamy sludge the Irish call beer.

The cupcakes on the schedule would actually make interesting matchups for once. Imagine the storylines that would build up to the Air Force Vs Notre Dame game then?

I imagine that there would be some downfalls. For instance, it would be hard to know all of the players on the team. With names like El-Khazid Muhammed, Imaad Udeen Hussein, and Wajeeh Waahid Fateen, Brent Musberger would have his work cut out for him. Better yet, imagine what it would be like trying to listen to Pat Summerall call the game.

The cheerleaders would also be wearing blue and gold burqas. This would be a huge downfall from the hot sluts that currently patrol the Notre Dame sidelines. Instead of those great crotch shots that we currently get on TV, we would see.....well.....their eyes.

Maybe the Fighting Muslims isn't such a great idea. After all there is always room for lovable losers like the Irish. Just ask any Cubs fan. Worst of all, I'd hate to see what kind of tarp they would have to use to furnish Charlie Weis with a robe.

If the conversion to Fighting Muslims is unrealistic and unwanted, maybe we could try something else. How does the Notre Dame Fighting Pollacks sound?

Welcome our Newest Bartender.

Thunder Matt's Saloon is happy to announce the addition of a new member to our staff, Martin Gramatica. When he's not busy kicking for America's Team, or joining his brothers in a long-standing feud with Todd Sauerbrun, Martin can be found here, most likely down on the last barstool, taking naps and running our Coors Light tap dry.

To get to know Martin a little better, here's his TMS profile that will be added to our Meet the Saloon Staff page.


MARTIN GRAMATICA

Real Name: Cody

Where are you from? 3rd Level of Purgatory

Where are you now? Tyler Durden's Basement

Favorite Baseball Team: Minnesota Twins

Favorite Current Player(s): Joe Mauer

Favorite All-Time Player(s): Kirby Puckett (RIP)

First MLB game you attended: Don Larsen's no-hitter in the World Series.

Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Got in a knife fight w/Von Hayes & I spent a season as a correspondent tracking the ever elusive Pedro Guerrero.

Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Barry Zito and Rob Deer...at the same time.

Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Bonds and any member of the Yankees

Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Huh????

What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The moustache. It comes in oh so many shapes and forms....

What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Quiet Riot

What's your favorite beer? O'Doul's

What's the capital of Bolivia? Washington DC

What's the most valuable baseball card you own? '85 Topps Whitey Herzog

If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Summerall and Madden.

What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I'd rather see Kyle Farnsworth's feet tied to a cement pole and see his hands tied to the back of an 18 Wheeler and then set that bad boy in motion.

Commenting on the Commentary: Boise St. Vs. Oklahoma

It was a finale that was so jaw dropping, thrilling and inspirational that I can already hear Disney scrambling to buy the movie rights (Cuba Gooding Jr. as Ian Johnson!). A once in a lifetime pants-shitter. And I, along with most of America, missed it. Having been ravaged by subpar football throughout most of the weekend (Rose Bowl, the bottoming out of Rex Grossman), nothing led me to believe that the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl would be any different. I mean, hell, the game was on Fox. I didn't even know they carried college football. So I popped in Season 2 of The Office and went about my merry way. Life was good again. (*On a quite aside, let it be said that the 'deleted scenes' on The Office are possibly the only deleted scenes in the history of DVDs that are actually worth watching. It's like an extra five minutes of funny. But that's neither here nor there.)

So this morning, sitting in front of the computer, as I sipped my hot cup of joe in my Thunder Matt boxers, I stumble upon this 'miracle game' on ESPN.com. Are there video highlights to go with the story? Hell no. I could navigate my way through a sea of meaningless and unsatisfying Rose Bowl 'highlights', but the only one of this much ballyhooed Fiesta Bowl was of the press conference afterwards. What the shit? C'mon espen.

So I go over to foxsports.com and immediately find what I'm looking for. Glorious. The kind of stuff that sends a shiver up your spine. The hook and ladder play. Then the two plays in overtime: The fourth down TD thrown by a receiver followed by the fabulous Statue of Liberty two-point conversion. I think Boise State linebacker Josh Bean said it best, when about the playcalling he said, "Who does that? That was the most gangster thing ever."

But I'm not here to talk about the game (since I didn't see it, per se). I'm stuck giving you a quick 'Highlight Commentary Highlights'. Highlights made special by the fact that there were no talking heads (that's you Stuart Scott. Boo Yaa, Crazy Eyes!). Nope. Instead the dulcet and soothing sounds of play by play man Thom Brenneman beckoned to me from the speakers. Like and old friend that got lost in the woods, unseen for years. You assume he's dead, but no, he comes back into your life at your lowest point and makes life worth living again. You ask him how he got out of the woods and he winks, putting his finger to his lip and whispering 'Shhh.' He takes you out for a drink. He reads you a passage from 'Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul'. He gives you a backrub. Thats right. Thom Brenneman.

First watch the fourth quarter and overtime highlights (Quarters 1-3 are inconsequential). Thom is an obvious homer for Boise State, and the excitement in his voice every time the Broncos score is upstaged only by the fatherly disappointment he expresses when the Sooners strike back. I love it! Among the best is, "THE LATERAL! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!". Then comes the comically depressed call when Oklahoma scores on the first play of overtime. The sound in his voice is a the sound of a man who is crafting his letter of resignation. But then Boise State scores on the two most ri-cock-ulous plays in modern sports (Pee Wee League Coaches across the country are furiously scribbling that one down). Tom comes alive. Sportcoat off, his tie loosened, hair disheveled, doing back-to-back shots of tequila. Five minutes later he's wearing a sombrero and text messaging salacious messages to Chris Meyers and the Boise State mascot.

Speaking of Chris Meyers, the best commentary is yet to come. After the game, Ian Johnson decides to propose to his longtime girlfriend. Click on the 'Recap and a Proposal' link and then fast forward to the 3:40 mark. Chris Meyers interviewing star running back Ian Johnson who just won the game. Then, out of nowhere, Chris Meyers goes, 'Well I know you're going to propose to your girlfriend, congratulations.' The shock on Ian's girlfriends face is priceless. But fucking Chris Meyers totally wrecked it. Ian makes a brilliant recover (is there anything he can't do?) and drops to a knee and pops the question, but at that point it's a bit anti-climatic. Couldn't Meyers have just said, 'Now I know you have something you wanted to say to your girlfriend..' or something to that effect? But no, like a grade A douche, he lets the cat out the bag and steals Ian's thunder. I would have probably put Meyers in a headlock and/or punched him in the face, but that is because I have my own anger issues I need to work out.

When Ian does drop to one knee Meyers is like, 'Oh, hold up, he's actually going to do this.' Well what the fuck did you think he was going to do? Ian obviously told either Chris or the producers his intentions, and made the point to have his girlfriend stand right next to him. Did Meyers think Ian was just fucking with him and wasn't going to do it? Chris Meyers, wreck your life!

One last thing, and I'm just gonna throw this out there. This site needs a theme song. No, not a into that plays incessantly every time you access the site. Those types of things have been passe since about 97' (Geocities?) and wreck your life more than Chris Meyers. Instead, I'm talking about something that you can click on, and enjoy at your own leisure. Tap your foot to it, sing along if you wish while you get your daily chuckle and mutter, 'People actually read this shit?' And to answer that last question, no. No they don't.




"No, no..it's pronounced T-O-M. The 'h' is silent. How are you? Do you mind me asking, how old are you? Oh, ok. Good."

The All-80's Team: AL Designated Hitters

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We've finished with the National League and now we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

After an extended holiday break, we're back to bring you the AL DH finalists. Dave Winfield won the RF poll and will be the starter on the American League team.

AMERICAN LEAGUE DESIGNATED HITTERS

Harold Baines
Chicago White Sox (1980-89), Texas Rangers (1989)

All-Star: 1985-87, 1989
Silver Sluggers: 1989

Notes: Not that anyone is going to really count and call me out on this but Baines technically shouldn't be here since he played more games in the outfield than at DH in the 80's. It wasn't until 1987 that Harold became utilized as a DH majority of the time. Baines was a great slugger for the White Sox throughout the decade. In 1989 he was traded to the Rangers for Sammy Sosa and a couple other guys. The Sox retired his number after his departure, only to have it un-retired twice as Harold came back to play for them a couple more times.




Don Baylor
California Angels (1980-82), New York Yankees (1983-85), Boston Red Sox (1986-87), Minnesota Twins (1987), Oakland A's (1988)

Silver Sluggers: 1983, 1985, 1986
Postseason: 1982 ALCS, 1986 WS, 1987 WS, 1988 WS
League Leader: 1984-87 Hit By Pitch

Notes: Prior to his career as a mediocre manager, Baylor was a big slugging DH for a whole gaggle of ballclubs in the 80's. Baylor is 4th all-time for HBP. During his career, Don was beaned 267 times. Baylor also played in three consecutive World Series with three different ballclubs.





Reggie Jackson
New York Yankees (1980-81), California Angels (1982-86), Oakland A's (1987)

Nickname: Mr. October
Hall of Fame: Inducted in 1993
All-Star: 1980-84
Silver Sluggers: 1980, 1982
Postseason: 1980 ALCS, 1981 WS, 1982 ALCS, 1986 ALCS
League Leader: Home Runs 1980 & 1982

Notes: Most remember Reggie for his postseason heroics with the New York Yankees, but in the 1980's, Jackson spent most of his time with the California Angels. Towards the end of his career his reputation was mired by his assassination attempt against the Queen.



Hal McRae
Kansas City Royals (1980-1987)

All-Star: 1982
Silver Sluggers: 1982
Postseason: 1980 WS, 1981 ALDS, 1984 ALCS, 1985 WS
League Leader: 1982 Doubles & RBI

Notes: Hal originally started out as an outfielder for the Cincinnati Reds. He was a mediocre outfielder at best and eventually found his niche as a solid hitting DH for the Royals. While many DH's hit for power with a low AVG, McRae provided some pop while posting .300 seasons. Hal's son, Brian played a couple seasons with the Cubs at CF. In fact Brian could probably play CF right now better than any of the other options the team has.



Ken Singleton
Baltimore Orioles (1980-84)

All-Star: 1981
Postseason: 1983 WS

Notes: Ken was primarily an outfielder at the start of the decade, but eventually took on the full-time DH gig in his final three seasons. Ken is no relation to the former ballplayer and current White Sox radio color commentator, Chris Singleton. Ken is a commentator himself for the YES Network.








Andre Thornton
Cleveland Indians (1981-87)

All-Star: 1982, 1984
Silver Sluggers: 1984

Notes: Of all the certainties through the 80's, one of the most ironclad givens was that the Cleveland Indians were shitty, finishing no better than 5th in the AL East throughout the decade. Wasting away on those dismal teams was the sweet hitting of Andre Thornton. Thornton had a handful of solid seasons as the Indians DH, including his 1982 season where he finished with 32 home runs and 116 RBI's. A fairly disciplined hitter at the plate, Andre finished his career with more BB's than K's.




Be sure and vote for your choice of AL Designated Hitter for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar.