TMS Team Preview: The 2016 San Diego Padres

February 29, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we throw things back to Cali (ugh) with the San Diego Padres!


2015 Finish: 74-88 (4th place in NL West)

So Long: Dale Thayer, Josh Johnson, Ian Kennedy, Nud Borris, Justin Upton, Cory Luebke, Joaquin Benoit, Craig Kimbrel, WIll Middlebrooks, Yonder Alonso, Jed Gyorko

Welcome: Josmil Pinto, Philip Humber, Drew Pomeranz, Jon Jay, Fernando Rodney

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Cory Spangenberg 2B
2. Derek Norris C
3. Wil Myers 1B
4. Matt Kemp LF
5. Yangervis Solarte 3B
6. Alexei Ramirez SS
7. Melvin Upton RF
8. Jon Jay CF

Starting Rotation: James Shields, Andrew Cashner, Tyson Ross, Robbie Erlin, Brandon Maurer, Colin Rae, Drew Pomeranz, Brandon Morrow (really??)
Setup: Jon Edwards
Closer: Fernando Rodney

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Rumor has it, I steer the ship with my eyes closed"
    - Drake, 'Charged Up'

Holy crap, could the Padres use some new direction.

It seems like every year, there's at least one team that barely did better than expectations the season before and blindly goes all-in during the offseason trying to buy their way to a playoff berth. Remember when the Marlins signed Jose Reyes and Mark Buehrle before the 2012 season only to trade both of them just a few months later? Or the spending spree the Diamondbacks have gone on this offseason? That was the Padres prior to last season, beating out the Cubs to sign James Shields to a long term deal. But the Padres weren't done, trading not only for Craig Kimbrel to shore up the bullpen, but also Wil Myers, Justin Upton and Matt Kemp, hoping they would provide enough offense to snag at least a Wild Card spot.

That did not happen. While Kemp had one of his better seasons in recent memory, Myers hurt himself and Jed "Gyork Store" Gyorko proved that his rookie season was a complete fluke and the Padres fell apart. The only thing keeping them from finishing in the basement of their division was the grease fire that is the Colorado Rockies.

So the Padres pushed all their chips in and traded most of their future for Kimbrel/Upton/Myers/Kemp and it blew up in their faces. Where do they go from there? If you guessed 'sink further into the toilet', you win! Justin Upton left as a free agent, so that was a complete sunk cost. Trading Kimbrel brought back nothing of note in return. And Matt Kemp's awesome hamstrings are due for a blowout any day now. Seriously, look at that lineup. Spangenberg? Yangervis? Sorry, but I don't watch that show. And judging from the team they're putting on the field this year, neither will anyone in San Diego. Oh well...at least they still have the Chargers, right? Right?

Reason To Watch: Honestly, there are none. Kemp may be their best player, but his best days are way behind him. Wil Myers can't stay healthy. They have no 'ace' in the rotation (The closest thing is Tyson Ross and he's halfway out the door). Honestly, if you can name one legitimate reason to watch this team,...AJ Preller will probably trade half his roster for it and cover 30% of their remaining contracts.

Reason To Drink: Take your pick. There are about 10 things that immediately come to mind that could cause even casual Padres fans to drink straight gasoline before swallowing a match and going all Thích Quảng Đức on the Saigon World Tour. One of the worst is that after trading away most of their assets, the Padres still don't have a single prospect in the top 50 of Baseball America's rankings, and just 3 amongst the top 100. So not only are the Padres terrible now, but they're going to be bad until...always?

The Fans: As a San Diego resident for a few years, I can say that the Padres fans I met were all very passionate and knowledgeable and realistic about whatever their team's current state was. And there are about 32 of them total. I'm not kidding.

Their Worst Contract: Honestly, there's not a single awful contract on this team. Sure, James Shields and Matt Kemp both making $21 million each isn't great, but both can provide decent seasons, even at their current advanced ages. And having Justin Upton at only $15.4 million is a steal!

Wait...they're paying MELVIN Upton $15 million? The other Upton? The TERRIBLE Upton?

PICTURED: 2016 Padres fans. And the 2016 Padres season.
Fantasy Standout: Tyson Ross is good. On one hand, he has no idea where any of his pitches are going. On the other hand, he does it in the old Kerry Wood way where it leads to a ton of strikeouts. I have no idea how he throws as many sliders as he does without having his elbow go all Scanners. Hey, the Kerry Wood comparisons might not be finished!
Tyson Ross' elbow come June or so

Fantasy Bust: Some people are going to be targeting James Shields thinking he'll have a bounce-back from his sub-par 2015. Those people are going to be kicking themselves when he has the same inflated home run rate while striking out even less batters.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Shameless on Showtime. Sure, it's still going, but is anyone actually watching it? Either way, it's best times are in the past. Yeah, you can watch it, but don't expect to be able to talk about it with anyone at work because they aren't.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Miami Marlins

February 26, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Governor X

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Light up the gaudy flamingo because it's time for the Miami Marlins!

Subdued and tasteful...just like Miami.

2015 Finish: 71-91 (Third Place in NL East)

So Long: Reid Brignac, Donovan Solano, Casey McGehee, Henderson Alvarez

Welcome: Justin Maxwell, Dustan McGowan, Chris Johnson, Edwin Jackson, Wei-Yin Chen, Craig Breslow

Projected Lineup: (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Dee Gordon 2B
2. Christian Yelich LF
3. Giancarlo Stanton RF
4. Justin Bour 1B
5. Marcell Ozuna CF
6. Martin Prado 3B
7. J.T. Realmuto C
8. Adeiny Hechavarria SS

Starting Rotation: Jose Fernandez, Wei-Yin Chen, Tom Koehler, Jarred Cosart, Edwin Jackson
Setup: Clearly made up people like Brad Hand, Carter Capps, and Kyle Barraclough
Closer: A.J. Ramos

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"Jeffrey Loria wants all the glory-a, so he fired his manager and hired another...manager"
    - Drake, '305 Rhapsody'

Last season was a uniquely Marlins tire fire. Their two best players missed huge chunks of time due to injuries and their owner fired yet another manager midseason only to replace him with the GM who had never coached or managed baseball before. On the bright side Dee Gordon had a surprisingly fantastic year and Ichiro pitched. Nevertheless, the season ended pretty much how you would expect with a 71-91 record. Somehow there were two worse teams in the division, so hey, third place! That's almost respectable.

The Marlins looked at all of that and pretty much said, yeah, more of that will be fine. Their big offseason acquisitions were Wei-Yin Chen, Chris Johnson, and Edwin Jackson who I assume is working for tips at this point. They have another new manager in Don Mattingly (more on him below) and a new GM. Check that. They don't actually appear to have a GM. Classic Marlins!

2016 will likely be better only because Jose Fernandez and Giancarlo Stanton are back. On the other hand, Don Mattingly and Chris Johnson exist, so it looks like another sub-500 season for Miami. If anyone actually cared, they would be disappointed.

Reason To Watch: Giancarlo Stanton and Barry Bonds. What will happen when one of the best hitters in the game today pairs with possibly the best hitter of all time? A few possibilities:

(1) Nothing - Bonds gets bored by May and goes home. Stanton continues on his natural course.
(2) Bonds teaches him something - Can Barry actually coach him up? If Stanton can learn anything from Bonds, holy shit we're in for a treat.
(3) Bonds hooks him up with a "supplement" guy - This is my preferred scenario. I miss the steroid era and want to see Stanton hit 80 home runs. Make it happen.

Reason To Drink: Don Mattingly. Given that Loria made his GM with no coaching experience the interim manager last year, I shouldn't be surprised they hired Mattingly, but as a Dodger fan, I can only assume he's never seen Donny in action. Don is one of the worst tacticians in the game today. He was reportedly a "good clubhouse guy," but that's the managerial equivalent of calling someone "scrappy." It's a polite way of saying they suck. Mattingly was so bad with the Dodgers I tried to think of an equivalent of WAR for managers. WARM (Wins Above Replacement Manager) would have clearly shown how terrible he is. I gave up after a few minutes.

The Fans: The Marlins have exactly three fans: (1) Ira Liebowitz - Mr. Liebowitz moved to south Florida after retiring from a long career at a New York bank. He loves golf and his husky Goldie. (2) Eddie "Stink" Mulvane - Eddie runs a junk yard outside of Homestead and lives with his common law wife Maureen. Together they have 6 children. (3) Marco Rubio - A sweaty ne'er-do-well and son of Cuban immigrants, Marco spends most of his time interviewing for jobs way over his head.

Their Worst Contract: Don Mattingly. See above. Did he ever shave those sideburns? I hope so. He recently instituted a no facial hair policy for the Marlins. If anyone could get caught by his own facial hair policy, it's Don. Mattingly will be the 10th Marlins manager since Loria took over the team in 2002, so at least it'll all be over soon.

Fantasy Standout: Giancarlo Stanton. My "Stanton-on-roids" wet dream aside, this guy is still amazing. In 74 games last year, he lead the majors with 27 home runs and 67 RBI before his season ended due to injury. A healthy Stanton could easily jack 50+ home runs even without roids. Seriously though. Please do steroids.

Fantasy Bust: Dee Gordon. You don't think that's going to happen again do you?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Every Pitbull song ever. Haha, Mr. 305! That's Miami's area code gang.

Ira's dog Goldie - She likes Jarred Cosart and eating cat poop.

BREAKING NEWS: Folwer Spurns Orioles To GET THAT RING With The Cubs!

February 25, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk



Coming WAY out of left field (or technically center field), Dexter Fowler is now back with the Cubs!

Wait...what?

Yes, it's true. Apparently Theo took the field at Spring Training to announce the deal right as Fowler walked out to join his teammates. That's some total WWE Surprise Entrance shit right there!



With Schwarber and Heyward and Soler in the OF, does this point to a trade coming? All we heard in the offseason was how much the Cubs front office loves Soler, so if he is the odd man out, I feel like he'd only be moved for a BIG return. Obviously this has something to do with Coghlan being shipped to Oakland about an hour ago.

Either way, the best team in baseball just got BETTER. I can't even take it. Opening Day cannot get here fast enough.



TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Colorado Rockies

February 25, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Colorado Rockies!

HURR I'M WALT WEISS

Last Season: 68-94 (Dead Last Place in NL West)

So Long: Kyle Kendrick, Justin Morneau, John Axford, Rex Brothers, Wilin Rosario, Corey Dickerson, Christian Friedrich

Welcome: Jason Motte, Chad Qualls, Mark Reynolds, Gerardo Parra, Jake McGee

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
Charlie Blackmon CF
Jose Reyes SS
Carlos Gonzalez RF
Nolan Arenado 3B
Gerardo Parra LF
DJ LeMahieu 2B
Mark Reynolds 1B
Nick Hundley C

Starting Rotation: Jorge de la Rosa, David Hale, Chad Bettis, Chris Rusin, Jon Gray, Yohan Flande
Setup: Jason Motte, Jairo Diaz
Closer: Jake McGee

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season:
"Hey yo, where'd you get this place from, the Hellhole Store?"
    - Das Racist, 'Rainbow in the Dark'

Ahhh, Denver. Those fans don't know how lucky they truly are. If it wasn't for the legal marijuana and the Super Bowl Honeymoon Afterglow, they would have nothing to really distract them from how piss-poor the Rockies are. And they really do run the gamut of truly sucking both on and off the field. Yes they have what looks like a pretty good offense, but here's exactly what the Rockies are gonna do to the prime years of Nolan Arenado's career: surround him with juuuuust enough talent on offense to score 6 runs a game at home and fold that right in with a pitching staff that's a safe bet to give up 9. It's what they did for Tulo's prime. And Carlos Gonzalez's. And Todd Helton's. And Matt Holliday's. And Larry Walker's.

I will give their front office this: I sure as hell don't know what to do with this team either. They tried to out-bash the other team in the early Andres Gallaraga/Dante Bichette/Blake Street Bombers days and that didn't work. They tried to go pitching and defense in the Mike Hampton/Denny Neagle/Juan Pierre days and that also didn't work. Hell, the World Series run they went on 2007 (Rockies in 6!) came off the back of a fluke win in the Wild Card game to even reach the first round (Holliday was out so get over it, Denver).

That said, the front office is quickly moving up the speed dial of every other GM in the league. They trade Tulowitzki for Latin Chris Brown at SS after wasting all but one of his seasons in Denver. Then they fail to cash in on John Axford before he turned back into a mouthbreathing 4.20 ERA (ha ha 420 get it???) pitcher. Then they sign Gerrardo Parra to an already-full outfield, losing leverage in any/all trade talks because everyone knew the Rockies had to move someone. When they did move their one cheap and talented asset (Corey Dickerson), they got back...a closer? What kind of rebuilding team trades for a closer? Corey Dickerson doesn't even go to arbitration until 2017 and you trade him for a closer?

And Denver fans still have the 'Carlos Gonzalez For 2 AA Pitchers With Control Problems And A Used Treadmill' trade to look forward to this season!

Reason To Watch: There's only one acceptable reason: a hitter on your fantasy team is playing at Coors. That's it.

Reason To Drink: Not only did the Rockies give up Troy Tulowitzki for Jose Reyes and some Mad Dog 20/20, but now Jose Reyes goes all Josh Brolin with the domestic violence thing? Seriously, I cannot stress how awful this front office is.

The Fans: Come mid April? Something like this:



Their Worst Contract: They're paying Jose Reyes $22 million this season. They're paying Jorge De La Rosa $12.5 million this season. Christ, even Justin Morneau is making $750K and Justin Morneau is legally dead (#ctegone2soon).

Fantasy Standout: Nolan Arenado. Kid is legit and he actually got kind of unlucky on home run % last year (or I've had too much to drink already and it's the exact opposite but I know I read something at some point in a blog much better than ours there I said it don't you look at me like that whatever just go to the next one

Fantasy Bust: How have we gotten through three team previews before I realized that we're typing 'FANTASY BUST'? That sounds like a push up bra you would find in a gas station. And not a nice gas station. Like a gas station for dogs who are poor. Don't ask me why the dogs stick to cars that still burn oil and refuse to go electric, thus continuing demand for locally dog-owned gas stations to exist. It's probably why they're poor.

The Human Behavior Oddity Equivalent To This Team Is: That touristy thing to do in your area that everyone from out of town wants to do but because you live so close to it you actually never get around to it because you take for granted that it's there for you to do any time. Maybe 2 times over an entire summer you think "Oh yeah, that's still a thing, huh?" and then completely forget about it all over again.

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Atlanta Braves

February 23, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Now it's time for the Atlanta Braves!



2015 Finish: 67-95 (Fourth Place in NL East)

So Long: Ross Detwiler, Edwin Jackson, Andrelton Simmons, Sugar Ray Marimon, Cameron Maybin, Pedro Ciriaco, Mike Minor, Shelby Miller, Christian Bethancourt, Joey Terdoslavich

Welcome: Reid Brignac, Erick Aybar, Nud Borris, Jim Johnson (again), Gordon Beckham, Jose Ramirez, Emilio Bonifacio, Dansby Swanson, Ender Inciarte, Tyler Flowers, Jhoulys Chacin, Kyle Kendrick, Alexi Ogando, Kelly Johnson, Jeff Francoeur,

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Ender Inciarte LF
2. Erick Aybar SS
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Freddie Freeman 1B
5. Adonis Garcia 3B
6. Jace Peterson 2B
7. Michael Bourn CF
8. Tyler Flowers C

Starting Rotation: Julio Teheran, Mike Foltynewicz (Injured), Manny Banuelos (Injured), Matt Wisler, Nud Borris
Setup: Jim Johnson
Closer: Arodys Vizcaino, Jason Grilli

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
"FUCK YOU!"
    - Cee Lo Green, 'Fuck You'

Long an envied franchise in the majors, things have become a bit bleak in Atlanta these days. At 350-1 "favorites" to win the World Series, these ain't your dad's Braves! Wait. Actually they might be. See, your dad probably remembers the Superstation TBS days when if they weren't airing Sanford & Son reruns or Clash of the Titans, they broadcast Braves baseball. And from 1985 to 1990 that was some shiiiiiiiitty baseball.

The Braves are in a rebuild right now. Getting ready for a new stadium (About time! Turner Field is 2 decades old!), the team is gearing up for another run in a couple years. So until then, fans will get to sit by and watch their team get trounced in 2016. At least that race to the bottom of the NL East with Philadelphia will be fun to watch, right? OK, maybe not.

Reason To Watch: Freddie Freeman (1B) If there's one dude that's still underrated it's him. He's been in the majors for a while now but is only 26 years old. He had a down season last year due to injury but has always had a solid OBP and can hit for power. He should bounce back this season and with a contract that locks him in until 2022, he's a critical piece to the eventual renaissance in Atlanta.

Reason To Drink: Break out the moonshine because it's gonna be a long season. While there's going to be plenty of things to drink about, that bullpen may be the top one. Arodys Vizcaino could very well settle in as closer just fine, but I'll bet you Jim Johnson doesn't finish out the year in this pen, or even the team for that matter. Jason Grilli is another aging question mark as well. The good news is they might not have too many leads to preserve anyway, so...yay?

The Fans: I was gonna go all shitty stereotypical about Southern people here, but then I read this piece about the new stadium and lack of reasonable access to get there and I just felt bad. So on top of your team being shitty you could also die crossing a highway just to get there? Jesus, take the wheel.

Proposed highway signage outside SunTrust Park

Their Worst Contract: Michael Bourn and Nick Swisher. Last season the Braves traded Chris Johnson to the Indians for Bourn and Swisher and cash. While Cleveland is paying for $10 million toward their 2016 salaries this season, the Braves are still on the hook for another $19 million between the two of them. Would they be better off with Chris Johnson then?  Probably not. Cleveland released him outright and will still owe him like $15 million to play baseball for another team over the next couple seasons. Both Bourn and Swisher have vesting options in 2017 but each needs to reach 550 plate appearances to get there. I have little faith either could reach that goal this season. Hell, is Nick Swisher even alive any more? Also can I just say fuck Chris Johnson? He'll get his TMS Most Wanted feature soon enough.

Fantasy Standout: Freddie Freeman. The down 2015 makes him a bit of a value pick at 1B, and if your league plays OBP instead of AVG, even better.

Fantasy Bust: No one. To say "Bust" would be to assume they were gonna be good in the first place, which they're not. Most of these guys range from shitty to cromulent to cromulently shitty.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Seeing a popular 80s band now. Yeah everything sort of looks and sounds familiar, but it's just not the same and overall pretty depressing. Do you guys like the Doobie Brothers? Because the Braves got one of them!

Cubs Mastercard Presale Today, Fight the Urge to Be an Asshole

February 23, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan


Today at noon the 2016 Mastercard presale begins for single game Cubs tickets. This is the two day window where shitheads and trust fund kids spend even more money to get a game ticket. So instead of paying the regular wallet-sodomizing prices, you can pay 20% more for one to get the game you want, days before the games go on sale for real. Do you have a Mastercard? Well then you lucky so and so only pay a 15% premium on top of the horse shit regular price. WHAT A GREAT FUCKING DEAL! (punches own face)

Come on people. I'm kind of over bitching about the ticket prices, but this presale nonsense needs to end. And the only way you can end it is by not giving in to this bullshit demand fearmongering the team wants you to believe. If you really want tickets to a specific game it's not that difficult to get them, and you don't need to buy them early at a premium price. Shit, go on StubHub right now and the game you want is probably available and at a price that is cheaper than this deal. Or better yet, check eBay. Remember eBay? Yeah, apparently people still sell tickets there too.

Bottom line. Don't buy into this garbage. Just wait until they go on sale normally and buy them then or use a different outlet.

What's Trending on Twitter? A Governor X Investigation

February 22, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Welcome to "What's Trending on Twitter?" This is a new TMS feature where I, the Saloon's resident Dodger fan and crusty old white person, check current trends on the Twitter machine.

Twitter has gotten really big since TMS last roamed the plains of the internets. We've been on the lam since July of 2012, and I only joined Twitter in August of that year. At the time, I basically joined just to secure my user name. I saw little point in the platform and wrote it off as another passing fad. Well, I misjudged that. I've really warmed to it as a way of getting up to the minute news on sports and politics. At the same time, the current trends will occasionally make you weep for humanity and/or feel really old. I know, I know. All you millennials have moved on to Snapchat to send pictures of your junk to one another, but we're catching up.

Let's see what's trending today...

Rihanna - Hey, I don't even need to Google that name. I know her! Does anyone remember that umbrella song? Under the ella ella ella or something. Anyway, shortly after that came out she got beat up by that guy. She's trending today because she's just made a video with Drake. You know Drake. He's the Toronto Raptors' version of Jack Nicholson. The sad thing is, Jack Nicholson is probably a better rapper. His lazy rhymes pretty much killed off rap music for me. Now it's all Florida Georgia Line all the time.

Rick Tyler - My first thought was "Stephen Tyler's bastard son?" Nope. Some Ted Cruz campaign operative. He seems to have gotten in trouble for spreading the rumor that Ted Cruz is an actual human being and not some smarmy bible beating android.

Dangerous Woman - I had no idea what this was going to be either. It's Ariana Grande's new album title. The national anthem at the Super Bowl a couple years back is the only thing I've ever heard her sing. Let's keep it that way.

#NostalgicFor - Ah yes...it's like your mom's facebook shares from KBOR FM 88.3, but on Twitter. Does anyone remember macaroni and cheese in the box? Yes. Literally everyone. This trend lets all share what we're nostalgic for! It could be fun if you're into that sort of thing I guess (I don't like to share.), but someone always ruins the fun:
Good god. Just shut up.

#UniversityChallenge - What are the kids doing today? Eating fish sticks through their ass to raise awareness about hunger in Suriname? Getting offended by wind? God damn I'm glad I finished college ages ago. Back in my day, you know, like a little over ten years ago, you could just drink and have a good time (I went to a state school). Now it's all "viral" pranks and political correctness. I clicked on this and still have no idea what the hell it is, so I'll just move on.

Sen. Claire McCaskill - She has breast cancer. I can't make jokes about that can I? No? Well shit. More like Sen. McBuzzkill...

#BlueJays - Hey look! Baseball. This is a baseball blog. Kind of anyway. I'm not a Toronto fan, but just thinking about Bautista's bat flip makes my loins stir. It would have been nice had they won the damn series though. They probably shouldn't have made that R.A. Dickey trade.

Jimmy Rollins - What a sad garbage fart Jimmy Rollins' 2015 season in LA was. The 2015 Dodgers seriously started games with a middle infield of Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley. Again, 2015 not 2008. Better late than never? Nope. Fart noise. Rollins as a backup wouldn't have been so bad, but LA's manager was Donny Dumbass so he always had to have the crafty (translation: terrible) veteran starting. Rollins signed with the White Sox. He'll be grabbing a lot of bench.

Work from Home - I work from home, but there's too much to say about it. We'll revisit this topic later.

#MusicMonday - You just post about music? I never hear new music anymore. I don't do that Spotify or Apple Music nonsense and the radio is pure garbage. Did you guys know Toto is still making music? Why don't they play that on the radio? Here's a picture of Suzanne Vega. Happy #MusicMonday everyone!

My name is Luka, I live on the third floor? No. No. SECOND FLOOR. Hand me my fucking Grammy!

TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Philadelphia Phillies

February 22, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

First up, the Philadelphia Phillies!


2015 Finish: 63-99 (Last Place in NL East)

So Long: Domonic Brown, Chad Billingsley, Jeff Francoeur, Aaron Harang, Cliff Lee, Ken Giles

Welcome: James Russell, Peter Bourjos, David Hernandez, Vincent Velasquez, Charlie Morton, Jeremy Hellickson, Mark Appel, Brett Oberholtzer, J.P. Arencibia, Ernesto Frieri, Edward Mujica, and most importantly, Jake Fox

Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
1. Freddy Galvis SS
2. Odubel Herrera CF
3. Maikel Franco 3B
4. Darin Ruf RF
5. Ryan Howard 1B
6. Cody Asche LF
7. Carlos Ruiz C
8. Cesar Hernandez 2B

Starting Rotation: Aaron Nola, Jeremy Hellickson, Charlie Morton, Brett Oberholtzer, Jerad Eickhoff
Setup: Jeanmar Gomez, Vincent Velasquez
Closer: David Hernandez

Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season: 
I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself: ‘Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?’
   - Tupac Shakur, Changes

The 2015 season was not kind to the Phillies. On one hand, they were in the bottom three in the Majors in runs scored. On an even shittier hand, they were also second to last in the Majors in ERA. And on a third imaginary mutated hand with 8 fingers and no thumbs, they played a good chunk of the season with some of the most awful garbage humans on the planet.

Chase Utley? Dirty player. Who can forget when he broke Reuben Tejada's leg?


Jonathan Papelbon? Way into chokesex.


Ryan Howard? Hangs out with diddlers.


True, they did trade away both Utley and Papelbon (and Cole Hamels and Jimmy Rollins), but they did the usual Phillies thing and waited about a year or two too late to trade them and didn't get maximum value. Although you can't blame the Phillies for not trading Ryan Howard because they've been trying for years. No one wants that contract or his associations with known diddlers.

Reason To Watch: Maikel Franco (3B) looks like the real deal and could be the latest Phillies great at the hot corner. And while he may not be able to field like Scott Rolen or grow a mustache that would make most men openly weep like Mike Schmidt, the kid can destroy the baseball, with a .217 ISO last season as a rookie. In a home ballpark that plays quite well to power hitters, I'd say 24 homers are a given with 30+ as a ceiling, stupid spelling of his first name or not.

Reason To Drink: Just about everyone else on the team. Jeeeeeeeesus Christ, I couldn't pick this starting lineup out of a group if I was holding all of their baseball cards in my hands. Outside of Franco, this lineup is just a garbage fire of has-been's (Ryan Howard) and who-is-that-now's (everyone else besides Franco). Their outfield of Aaron Altherr/Odubel Herrera/Peter Bourjos sounds like 3 names grabbed from a bag of identities cops keep on hand for when people need to go into witness protection.

Not blackout drunk enough yet, Phillies fans (SPOILER ALERT: Phillies fans can never get 'drunk enough')? Freddy Galvis is your shortstop. Still looking for a double-shot of hot runny dump on top of all that? Your 'ace' (and the use of that word is so loose it would make a cathouse madam blush) is Jeremy Hellickson, who hasn't had an ERA under 4.50 since Whitney Houston died. And your #2 behind him is Charlie Morton, the pitching equivalent of a big steamy #2, so maybe that's fitting.

The Fans: Philly fans are pretty terrible, but in a way that's not too obtrusive. Unless you're Santa Claus or they decide to throw batteries at you, you can just ignore them and pretend they aren't there. It's like the raccoons that go through your garbage - as long as they don't make a mess, it's easier to just let them be.
Did you say cheesesteak? Someone said cheesesteak.
Their Worst Contract: All of you were probably thinking I was going to say Ryan Howard, but you would be wrong. Sure, Ryan Howard is going to make $25 million this season, but at least the Phillies will get SOMETHING out of him. Compare that to the $12.5 million of absolute sunk cost that the Phillies will be paying 37 year old Cliff Lee this season to not even pitch for their team. For that much money, you can buy Paula Deen's mansion, which I assume is full of white hooded robes covered in Crisco.

Fantasy Standout: Aaron Nola? He's not bad. Not great, but he's going to look a lot better in comparison to the other clowns on the team.

Fantasy Bust: Everyone else. Seriously, this team is like the sun during an eclipse: stare too long and someone older than you will yell at you and smack you across the face.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: All the upcoming water events during the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. In case you haven't heard, all of those water events will happen in what is basically poo water. That's not me reaching for a 3rd poop joke in s a single post. It's the truth. You might feel the urge to watch, just to see if it's as gross as you think it will be. Don't. It is, and you won't be any better off turning in. Much like those poo-water games, the 2016 Phillies technically have to play a season, but it's probably better if you just ignore it.

TMS Most Wanted: Sean Rodriguez

February 17, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

In Major League Baseball, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The Cubs, who are the greatest, and everyone else, who can go sleep in a dumpster. These are their stories.


Offender

Sean John Rodriguez (1B/2B/OF, PIT)

Known Aliases

Shawn Rodriguez
Seen Rodriguez (I always read Sean like that)
Mr. Tough Guy
Ooooo We Got a Bad Ass Here
BRO He Aint Worth It Bro BRO
Ed Hardy IV
Inigo Montoya with IBS
Squelchy

Summary of Offenses


Stolen from this guy's Twitter

- His Gatorade-bashing "HOLD ME BACK BRO (no seriously please hold me back why isn't anyone holding me back)" moment during last year's Wild Card game is the reason we thought to create this public service ...

- ... and if that wasn't enough, he then apologized for it with a bible quote, which is one of the more obnoxious things an athlete can do. Don't go all Tebow on us now. Might as well get liquored up on Red Bull Vodkas (seems like that would be his drink) and punch a club bouncer.

Criminal History


Proud owner of a .240/.269/.540 slash line against the Cubs in 27 plate appearances. He's more of an adorable scamp than a full-fledged supervillain.

Dick Tracy Crimestopper Facts

- If you should encounter one or more Seans Rodriguez, notify appropriate authorities. Any mediocre righty long reliever should be more than capable of handling the situation.

- Do not attempt to disable a Sean Rodriguez with a blast of Axe Body Spray to the eyes. It will only make him stronger and inflame his mating instinct.

The 2016 Chicago Cubs Will NOT Win the World Series

February 17, 2016 | Comments (4) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan


Alright folks...

Let's pump the fucking brakes a bit here.

I admire my colleague Rich's optimism about the Cubs this season, I really do. I think they've set themselves up for success. But after his glass half-full with puppies and rainbows outlook he posted on Monday, what better way for me to jump back into the Saloon with a cold dose of some god damn reality. The Cubs won't win the World Series this year. I'll say it. I'm not happy about that but sometimes reality isn't all free beer and nachos.

Last season was amazing, but holy shit did we outkick our coverage when it came to expectations. Our team got hot at the right time and was fueled by a tremendous youth movement and a starting pitcher that had the best second half of a season literally ever. But youth run into hiccups along the way. And it's pretty damn hard to follow up perfection by pitching.... more perfect?

But that's not the only thing. Here's some other reasons sure to ruin your morning coffee.

1. The Cardinals are still unfortunately the Cardinals, which means they're good.

This is a team that won 100 games last year when their roster was scotch taped together for long stretches. Yeah they lost Jason Heyward (Where did he go? I haven't heard anything about that.) and Lance Lynn. But the rest of that team is still very much in tact and is ran by, I hate to say it, pretty smart baseball people. As much as we can dream about World Series rings, let's think about maybe winning our damn division first and it's gonna require getting through these assholes.

2. The Pirates are also good.

I mean..... I uh..... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry. Fuck the Pirates, Whatever bullshit Satan pact they made to do this well has to be expiring soon. Their outfield is a solid trio of dudes and Gerrit Cole certainly has Cy Young qualities. But we're talking about an infield that offensively scares nobody, and their upper management still act like shade-tree mechanics, making upgrades with scraps they found rather than actually spending money on talent. Sorry Pittsburgh, your door is closing fast.

3. Following up a great season hasn't been our strong suit.

Hey remember this?
Yeaaaaah. 2004 was bullshit. What looked so promising ended with everyone grumpy and Sammy Sosa quitting on the team like a bitch. I guess the one plus was they actually had a winning record. Before that, the Cubs followed up 1984, 1989, and 1998 with putrid losing seasons. Guh, that '99 season especially. When you're so shitty that hiring Don Baylor seems like a good idea, it's time to start drinking heavily. 2008 was miraculous that we actually made the postseason for a second straight season. The last time that happened this bull moose son of a bitch was president.

Looking good Teddy!

That's right. The last time we had back to back postseasons was also the last time we won a god damn World Series. I know, I know, "but this time it's different." Folks, every time it's different. 1989 we had a nice looking youth movement. Mark Grace, Greg Maddux, and two guys that actually both were in the running for Rookie of the Year in Jerome Walton and Dwight Smith. Is it an apples to apples comparison to now? Of course not. But even the best laid plans... something something, I didn't read much in high school.

4. INJURIES!

"Remember that season everyone stayed healthy? Man that was great, right?"

Amazingly you could probably say that about last season with the Cubs. But the fact remains, dudes get hurt, and it's important to have the depth to cover that. Do we have that? If Arrieta or Lester went down and missed a month, how confident are you in the rotation filling the gap? If Addison Russell tears something in his leg, are you feeling good about Javy Baez jumping in and covering short with no problem? If David Ross can't play any more... wait. Not everything would be bad.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic here, I'm trying to be pragmatic. I love the Cubs and some day if they win a World Series I'll probably laugh, cry, and piss my pants all at the same time. I'll be an embarrassing heap of human being and the Terrible Cubs Wife will probably disavow any relationship she has with me, if just for a little bit. I guess I just want to sit back and enjoy this ride. This team is good. I know they are. You know they are. My god damn dog knows they are and she doesn't give a shit about much of anything these days. I don't need to anoint them the champs to be confident in their chances. Let Yankee fans play that nonsense game. Hell I don't even like my original claim that they won't win the World Series this year. The fact is I don't know. I can definitively tell you that I don't know what they'll do this year.

How's that for going all in? Yeah, I was never much of a gambler anyway.

Guess Who's Back? That Terrible Cubs Reliever. No, The Other One. No, Not That One Either...

February 16, 2016 | Comments (3) | by Rich Funk


Ok, so the Cubs have had a ton of awful relievers. But the good news is that when they resurface with other teams, we can dredge up the memories we've repressed with Malort and stale Wrigley Field nachos!

And who is it that has returned from the dead this time?

The Red Sox announced today that they’ve signed right-hander Carlos Marmol to a minor league deal with an invite to Major League Spring Training. He’ll compete for a spot alongside Koji Uehara and Carson Smith as a right-handed setup option for Craig Kimbrel.

GUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Yes, it's only a Spring Training invite, the same kind that Thunder Matt himself received earlier this month, but holy crap. Did the Red Sox forget that TWICE during Marmol's career he walked more than 7.3 batters per nine innings? Maybe after the Red Sox cut Daniel Bard in 2014 they've been on the lookout for Worse Daniel Bard and it's Marmol's turn to walk 8 million minor league players in the 3 innings he gets in during Spring Training.

FUN FACT: After Marmol washed out with the Cubs and Dodgers in 2013 (was he really around that recently??), he actually continued to pitch for the Reds. Marlins and Indians over 2014 - 2015. And by "fun fact" I mean it's only fun if you weren't a fan of the Reds, Marlins or Indians.

Then again, there's never anything fun about being a fan of any of those teams.

War Criminal: "Sportsball"

February 16, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Shooter Muldoon


Hey, that Super Bowl sure was fun, wasn’t it? And I bet you’re looking forward to the fireworks-in-a-clothes-dryer insanity of March Madness. Unless you’re one of the people with the hilarious “Go Sportsball Team!” Tweets. You don’t see the point in blah blah fart fart yes I’ve heard this ten thousand times already.

Sports fan or not, you’ve seen and heard this line of thinking a lot more in recent years because:

a) everyone displays their opinions like a presenting baboon nowadays, myself included and:

b) we live in the Era of the Nerd

Comic book movies rule the box office. A fantasy swords-and-dragons epic and a zombie apocalypse serial are the two most popular shows on TV. People will giggle about the 11 hours of Attack on Titan they binged on Netflix right before they sigh that college football is such a waste of time.

So if it’s you LOUDSIGHING at the bar because the sound is on for the game, I do get where you’re coming from. And far be it from me to stoop to hyperbole … but you’re worse than Hitler.

As a kid, I used to take crap for even admitting my love of Marvel Comics. One particular booger-eating dipshit called me an “X-Men wannabe” once, which has always stuck with me. This kid’s particular power was brown teeth from fluorosis, so I didn’t get how he could throw stones at Colossus like that.

So you’d imagine that I’d love a world where you can get a soft cotton X-Men tee at Target with your Mountain Dew, Doreeta Chips, and paper shredder. But instead we’re just in a dark, horrible universe where the nerds wield a dickish middlebow swagger behind the rallying cry of Chris Hardwick. Sports are dumb, all books are part of romantic sci-fi/horror tetralogies, and jeans are skinny. The only conclusion to reach is that I must have somehow 12 Monkeys’d a lunatic version of myself back to 1997. Apologies for that.

Do you think that sports are incessantly shoved down your throat, even though you couldn’t care less? Star Wars. Athletes are terrible people and terrible citizens? Frank Miller created the version of Batman you love and he’s a walking racist email chain. The games themselves are ultimately meaningless? You posted a picture of a frittata on Instagram last week.

You aren’t a cultural elite because you watch Doctor Who. Every season of that show starts out fun and ends like a death march. If I wanted a life of breathless, joyous possibility followed by soul-crushing disappointment, I’d become a teacher.

No, newly confident nerd, you are not better than sports fans because your cultural tastes are shared by a different (likely overlapping) group of millions of Americans. Having read The Walking Dead comic doesn’t mean you’re improving the human condition. Choosing to pay for your favorite comedian’s pay-what-you-want album doesn't house war orphans. The cancellation of Firefly was not an actual injustice, and Joss Whedon only cares about your cult inasmuch as it keeps his kids from having to attend public school.

So embrace your ordinary-ness. Your selfishness. Your general lack of worth compared to the truly great humans of history (don't worry, they were probably awful too). You too are merely a distractible oinker rooting around in the same cultural mud pit as the rest of us. So let's share a bottle of whiskey and wish bad things on the St. Louis Cardinals and their fans. We're way better pigs than those pigs.

Go Sports Team!




*that said, public financing for stadiums is still a fucking scam

The 2016 Chicago Cubs Will Win The World Series

February 15, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk


Can't really bury the lede after a title like that, can I? Best to just get into it.

Yes, I will say that again: The Chicago Cubs will be the 2016 World Series champions. That's right, you heard it here first. No take-backsies. Stock up on tshirts with the names and faces of this year's Cubs team. Grab a scorecard from every game you attend this year. Go ahead and splurge on that Jason Heyward Chinese knockoff jersey you've had your eye on. His name will be part of Cubs legend forever even if he opts out after 3 years.

This team will do it. They're better than you think. Yes, even better than that.

It doesn't seem like it would be going out on too far a limb to predict a World Series win for a team that is the current Vegas favorite (7/1 odds) to do so. But the Cubs just aren't any average team, are they? Especially when it comes to being favorites for anything and especially especially when it comes to winning a pennant, let alone a championship.


Yes, I remember 2003. And I remember how the events of 2003 weighed down both the 2007 and (even moreso) the 2008 Cubs when the playoffs rolled around. You could tell watching those teams that the pressure to get even one playoff win was so high got into their heads and they played tight and nervous. I knew then that the next Cubs team that would actually have a chance at getting to a World Series would have to be young enough to not know that pressure. Or be young enough not to care.

And isn't that what we got last season? Even with the addition of Jon Lester in the offseason, 2015 was supposed to be the year the Cubs got to ease their young players into the big leagues and hey, if they finished at or near .500, the season would be a success. Instead the team was powered by equally valuable rookie seasons by Kris Bryant, Addison Russell and Kyle Schwarber en route to a surprising 97 wins, and even more surprising Wild Card win and an even more surprising NLDS win over the Cardinals.

Think about that. The Cubs of last season won 97 games. I feel like a lot of people might not realize how good that truly is because it was somehow only good enough for THIRD PLACE in the NL Central. So not only did this young and talented team come within striking distance of 100 wins, but they also got some big game playoff pressure experience? Got humbled enough in the NLCS to be hungry as hell the next season? How can things get any better than that?

Things did get better than that. A whole lot better in a lot of ways. They Heyward signing, the Castro trade and the Zobrist signing may have made a lot of people believe in the Cubs' chances, but not me.

I was on board before any of that. Not that I'm complaining! Far from it. But even before all of those moves happened, there was still a really good chance that the 2016 Cubs were going to be much better anyway fielding a pretty similar team to the one they had in 2015. THAT'S the reason I'm predicting the Cubs to win the World Series more than any other. I feel like the Heyward/Zobrist/Warren/Lackey additions have stolen all the headlines (and rightfully so) and left a lot of people forgetting about a whooooole lot of other reasons the Cubs will be much better than you think.


Getting Back To A Pair Of Aces

One of the many benefits of Jake Arrieta's knockout Cy Young winning 2015 is that it deflected a lot of attention from Jon Lester's solid-but-very-rollercoasteresque season. Without Arrieta's dominance, Lester's season might have taken a lot of the blame if the Cubs would have missed the playoffs by a couple of games. In 2015 was Lester great? Or was he awful? The answer to both questions is 'yes' depending on what month you look at. Check out his monthly ERA splits:

April: 6.23
May: 1.76
June: 5.74
July: 1.66
August: 5.04
September: 2.36

Talk about an up and down season! Every month he was either Zack Greinke's power mullet or Alfredo Simon's doughy midsection without much in between. But don't forget, Lester posted a 2.46 ERA for the 2014 season, so there's a lot of reason to think he could be much better in 2016. Aside from a 2% increase in home run rate, there really isn't a whole lot of difference between Lester's 2014 and 2015.

And the same can be said of the playoffs. Now we're talking about a small sample size of 2 games, but Lester's ERA in the 2015 postseason (4.50) was definitely higher than the mark he's had across his postseason career (2.85).

My Prediction: Lester has a season not quite as good as his 2014 and not nearly as uneven as his 2015. Let's split the difference with an ERA around 2.90. Spread that across 200 innings and throw in north of 200 strikeouts and a handful of clutch playoff performances and you've got yourself a true second ace behind Jake Arrieta in the Cubs rotation.


The Youngsters Take Another Step Forward

No matter what your expectations were for them in 2015, I think it's safe to say that the rookie triumvirate of Bryant/Schwarber/Russell were better than any of us could have hoped for so early in their careers. And while last year was better than expected faster than expected, is it really that hard to imagine those three getting better in 2016?

It took a little while for Bryant to really get going with the home run ball, not hitting his first homer until his 21st major league game. That would turn out to be the longest Bryant would go without a home run on his way to clearing the fences 27 times to go along with 99 RBI. So what can Bryant do for an encore? How about 40 homers in 2016? It's certainly possible. Bryant had a very respectable .213 ISO last season (ISO = how hard you can crush a baseball), which put him alongside guys like Jose Abreu and Ryan Braun. Those to aren't anything to sneeze at in the home run department, but Bryant showed in the minor leagues that he's got another level of power to potentially tap into. Bryant's ISO in the minor leagues was .342. To give you a comparison, last season NL MVP Bryce Harper led the league with a .319 ISO and popped 42 homers. Giancarlo Stanton had an ISO of .346 halfway through the season before a broken hand caused him to miss the second half and that mark had him on pace for 60+ homers. Now obviously the majors are tougher than the minors, so take that .342 minor league ISO with a grain of salt. But it does show you that the potential for 40 homers is there. If Bryant can cut down the strikeouts by just a hair and raise that ISO up into the .240-.260 range, he could clear the 40 homer mark with ease.

And did you see Bryant's August and September? He ended the season on quite the tear, slashing .333/.403/.589 during the season's final two months. Now I don't think that Bryant will hit .333 any time in the future, but those other two marks look pretty sustainable and it could be a sign of Kris finally finding his groove against Major League pitching on his way to a monster 2016.


The name that seemed to always come up as an accurate comparison for the Major League upside of Addison Russell?  How about Hall of Famer Barry Larkin? No biggie, right? And from what we've seen of Russell in the minors and majors so far, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch. At his best, Larkin was good for 15-20 homers, 25+ steals and an OBP above .360, all while chipping in Gold Glove defense at short.

It's sometimes hard to remember that Hall of Fame-caliber potential and comparisons are high bars to clear and that even coming in at 70% of those projections is still really damn good. Russell has already flashed Gold Glove caliber defense at both second and short but his bat wasn't doing much of a Larkin impression aside from promising power. Even at his best, Russell won't walk as much as Larkin or steal as much as Larkin and will certainly strike out more. But even with all that in mind, Russell is going to be an incredibly valuable player as soon as this year. The 20 home run power is there already and it's not out of the question to expect Russell to improve on his walk and strikeout rates from 2015. Remember, dude was only 21 for all of last season. He was the age of your average Junior in college. Most baseball players his age that aren't still in college are only at A or AA, not manning one of the most demanding defensive positions for a team with World Series aspirations and doing a damn good job of it. Let's not forget Exhibit A:


Russell is nowhere near his prime yet. He could turn into a 22 homer/15 steal Gold Glover as soon as this season. Guys that can do that with a strikeout rate under 25% don't grow on trees. Seeing Russell improve every single year for the next 3-4 seasons isn't that crazy of a thought. It should definitely be terrifying for the rest of the National League though. And all we had to do was trade Hot Diarrhea Geyser for him? AND we got to see that very same HDG spew filth and home runs all over the 2015 White Sox season? That's almost unfair!


And now we come to The Big Toe (I heard that somewhere on Twitter and I feel like it's the perfect nickname for Kyle Schwarber. Right? How is that guy not Big Toe material? IT IS DECIDED). There isn't a whole lot to say about Schwarber that you don't already know. The dude rakes. He's raked at every single stop in the minor leagues and he rakes in the majors, both in the regular season and the postseason. In the Wild Card game, Big Toe crushed Gerrit Cole.


In the NLDS, Big Toe crushed Wacha and Siegrist.


In the NLCS, Big Toe crushed Matt Harvey. And for an encore? Big Toe crushed Jacob deGrom on a pitch that was ALMOST A FOOT OUTSIDE.


He's got the quickest left handed bat I've seen in recent memory. Yeah, he strikes out a lot, but he also works the count and takes a bunch of walks. It's not out of the question to think that he has a David Ortiz-like ceiling.

But let's say that Schwarber doesn't take a step forward this season. Let's all be Debbie Downers and say that Schwarber doesn't improve and simply produces exactly as he did last season, only for an entire season and not just the 69 games we saw in 2015. That would still come out to an OBP of .355 and about 27-30 homers. Again, that's what we could expect out of Schwarber if he didn't improve upon his age 22 season. But is there room for Schwarber to improve? Absolutely, especially when it comes to the average department. Schwarber hit just .246 last year, which isn't surprising considering he struck out 28% of the time. But Schwarber also hit .333 for his minor league career, so seeing him take a step forward to the .260 or even .270 range wouldn't be too surprising, especially if he can cut that strikeout rate down. He might not be able to get down to the 20% rate he saw in the minors, but 23% isn't out of the question. And again, Schwarber was the age of a college senior last year.

My Prediction: I think Bryant, Russell and Schwarber all fend off the dreaded Sophomore Slump and improve upon their 2015 seasons across the board.


The Forgotten Man

Oh yeah...the Cubs had another rookie that didn't make too many headlines last year. Jorge Soler's 2015, where he hit just .262 with a mere 10 home runs, was seen as a disappointment. A lot of that was because fans still remembered his torrid September call-up in 2014 where he hit .294 and bashed 5 homers in just 24 games. He also couldn't stay healthy, missing all of June and a few weeks of September. And despite being incredibly cheap (Soler makes just $3 million in 2016 and 2017, then $4 million a year from 2018 - 2020), many fans wanted to move Soler in a rumored deal to Cleveland for Danny Salazar this offseason.

Man, do we have short memories. It wasn't that long ago that Soler was considered the crown jewel of all the prospects in the Cubs' system. As recently as 1 year ago, Baseball Prospectus rated him the #12 prospect in all of baseball. And holy crap, do you all not remember what he did in the playoffs? Here's a reminder of how awesome he was. I feel like Soler is flying under the radar coming into this season, and only on a team as ridiculously stacked as the 2016 Cubs can a guy that could hit .280 with 25-30 homers be considered 'under the radar' and, to some fans, entirely expendable. Dude can hit, and dude is going to hit this year. If you thought the Cubs' offense was stacked last year, imagine dropping a 25 homer Soler season right into the middle of it. I know I keep saying it, but seriously...this Cubs lineup is better than you realize.

My Prediction: Soler settles in and posts a 23 homer season with at least 70 runs and 70 RBI while hitting around .270.


Adding In The New Guys

Over the second half of last season, with Schwarber and Soler in the lineup, the Cubs were 6th in the Majors in scoring so it's fair to say that they were really damn good. Now swap out Starlin Castro's up and down 2015 for a bit more stability (especially when it comes to OBP) and about the same amount of power from Ben Zobrist. Now upgrade from Dexter Fowler to Jason Heyward. And we haven't even mentioned potential breakout candidate Javier Baez as someone that can rotate between 2B, SS and potentially CF. Plus we've got Chris Coghlan as bench depth at OF and 2B.

The Cubs have clearly upgraded over last season at SS and CF. And a bounceback by Soler would give them an upgrade over last year's squad in RF. Schwarber will have a full season in left. If Bryant and/or Russell take even a small step forward, we could be looking at the best offense in baseball. Hell, it's not inconceivable that Anthony Rizzo could step up his offensive game too. Did you forget that he's only 26?

As we mentioned here last week, Lackey slots into the rotation behind Arrieta and Lester and bumps Jason "Goddamn" Hammel from the playoff rotation. Adam Warren and a full season of Clayton Richard and Trevor Cahill mean the bullpen could potentially go 6 deep (Wood/Strop/Rondon are solid).

My Prediction: Theo and Jed went out and filled every single hole that the 2015 Cubs had. There's no more work to be done. This team is the best team in baseball top to bottom. We could lead the league in both ERA and scoring offense next year. I cannot remember the last time the Cubs were this good. This is the best Cubs team since the 1969 Cubs. This will be the Cubs team we all tell our kids and grandkids and strangers kids about.

The 2016 Cubs will win the World Series.

Next year is here.

Cubs Offseason Review: Baller $tatus

February 06, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk


It certainly took a while, but this has finally been the offseason we've been waiting for since 2006.

You remember 2006, don't you? Dick Cheney shot a dude. Zinedine Zidane headbutted a dude. Barbaro (what ever happened to that horse?) almost won a Triple Crown. And the Cubs...well, the less you remember about the 2006 baseball season, the better. Outside of Aramis Ramirez having one of his finest seasons and the solid, workmanlike play of one Thunder Matt Murton, the 2006 Cubs were a tire fire full of some of your least favorite names: Michael Barrett's pasty face was offending sensibilities across Chicago. Ronny Cedeno OPS'd .610 (for comparison, Carlos Marmol's OPS was .696 in 24 at-bats). Tony Womack got paid to basically hang out and be 103 years old. Hell, even Greg Maddux posted a 4.69 ERA, his worst in 19 YEARS.

(Surprisingly solid in 2006? Jacque Jones! His triple slash was .285/.334/.499 with 27 homers. Talk about one of the most "underrated solid effort by a guy you swear was putrid" Cubs seasons ever. If Jason Heyward puts that season up this year, we'll be calling him a bargain!)

Did I mention that the Cardinals won the World Series?

And then everything turned in the offseason. Dusty Baker got shitcanned and replaced by Lou Pinella. And the front office decided to make a run at the playoffs by signing Alfonso Soriano to an 8 year, $136 million contract, the 5th largest in baseball history at that point. The Cubs rode the momentum of that offseason to consecutive playoff appearances in 2007 and 2008.

Then we got pretty old and pretty bad. Theo and Jed came in and cleaned house and we knew it would be a while until we would be major players in free agency again. But even then, Cubs fans still hoped to sign a big free agent to build around, something to signal that better times were ahead.

But sometimes, it turns out that the moves you don't make can be as important as the ones that you do make. I remember I was hoping for the Cubs to sign Prince Fielder in the 2012 offseason, but what would have happened to Anthony Rizzo? If we would have gotten what we wanted in 2013 and signed Masahiro Tanaka, it definitely would have hampered what the Cubs were able to do this offseason (and would have looked doubly bad when his elbow finally blew up, which it will this season). Last year's Lester signing was a great start, but no one saw the 2015 season playing out like it did. We still knew the best was yet to come.

And that leads us to the offseason that will officially be wrapping up 2 weeks from today when pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training. Let's look at the major events of the offseason and my grades for each one.



1. Red Sox sign David Price

This one stung. We knew that the Cubs were going to try and flex their financial muscle this offseason, and as the 2015 NLCS showed, the Cubs were a bit short on starting pitching. I mean, I love Kyle Hendricks, but he has no business being the #3 starter on a team with World Series aspirations. The patented Joe Maddon Connection didn't come through and Price went to Boston.

HOT TAKE: This turned out to be a positive. I was really disappointed initially, but I think it's because I didn't think Heyward was a real possibility. I thought it was basically Price or nothing. But seeing how the offseason eventually played out, signing Price would have prevented the Cubs from doing all the other awesome things they've done this year. And as fearsome as an Arrieta/Lester/Price playoff threesome would be, the Royals showed us last year that you don't need a stacked rotation like the Mets to go all the way. You just need some reliable guys, a great bullpen and a lineup of high OBP guys that can get on base against power pitchers. And while the Cubs are much flashier on offense than last year's Kansas City squad, they made a few Royals-esque moves soon thereafter.



2. Basically trading Starlin Castro for Ben Zobrist and Adam Warren

Sure, Zobrist wasn't technically part of the Castro trade, but both moves were companion pieces to each other. Zobrist's contract is being paid with the money saved by shipping Castro out of town.

HOT TAKE: I was not a fan of this initially. Don't get me wrong, Adam Warren is a decent starter and has the potential to be a really great bullpen arm. But he's not worth getting a decade older at second base. And even with Castro slipping the last few seasons, there's no way that Zobrist's age 34-37 seasons will be better than Castro's age 25-28 seasons. I even posted a very curt Facebook status about it. But we'll revisit this in a moment.



3. Signing Jason Heyward

OHHHH SLAMMMM! The Cubs come up big and beat out the Nationals and the stupid Cardinals and sign Heyward to a deal that turned out to be less money than any other team offered. Some people tried to argue that Heyward wasn't worth all the money the Cubs dished out for him, and I guess I can see that point of view to a certain extent. If you're paying Heyward to be the big slugger in the middle of your lineup, you're going to have a bad time. Heyward isn't going to hit 30 home runs or drive in 120 RBI. But he PERFECTLY fits everything the Cubs desperately needed: someone to play great OF defense next to The Schwarber Project in left field and someone that has a great OBP that doesn't come with an inflated strikeout rate. He'll always be a better real life player than fantasy baseball player, but he is the perfect addition to the team on offense and on defense. For that reason, he was worth every penny.

HOT TAKE: The Heyward signing was great on its own. The side effect is that it made the Zobrist signing better too. Sure, 3-4 years from now Castro will probably be outplaying an almost-40 Zobrist. But we aren't concerned with 2018 or 2019. The signing of Heyward was a clear sign that the Cubs are serious about winning a World Series in 2016 and 2017. And for those two seasons, yeah, I think Zobrist can do exactly what we need him to do: get on base and not strike out. Remember how the Mets rotation carved up the Cubs lineup in the NLDS only to get slapped around by the Royals in the World Series? It's because the Cubs strike out a ton and the Royals have a bunch of high OBP, low K rate OBP machines. Now the Cubs have 2 more guys to do exactly that. The OBP potential of the Cubs without any additions was high enough, with Rizzo, Bryant and Schwarber all with the ability to OBP somewhere between .350 and .390. Add Zobrist (.359 last year) and Heyward (.359 too!) to that and holy crap, this lineup is going to run up pitch counts in a hurry. Then all of our big boppers get to feast on the awful bullpens of the NL.



4. Signing John Lackey

And there's the rotation depth we needed. Yes, Lackey is old enough that if he completely fell apart next season, it wouldn't be shocking at all. But that's why it's awesome that we got him on just a 2 year deal. You can eat a bad signing for 2 seasons. Hell, the Cubs ate 5 years of garbage from Edwin Jackson and came out ok!

HOT TAKE: I'm for it. And if Lackey dies in a fire of horrible performance, the Cubs still have guys like Almora and Baez to trade at the deadline for another starter if one is needed. Signing Lackey is a calculated risk, but for only 2 years of commitment, I'm game. And really, who else were the Cubs going to sign? Jesus, Jeff Samardzija got SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS.

So the Cubs got more defense and OBP and another solid starter to boost the rotation. We're almost the new Royals! Now about that bullpen...



5. Signing Clayton Richard and Trevor Cahill

Both guys were nails in the playoffs last year, with Trevor "Fat Baby" Cahill coming up HUGE in the NLDS. Both guys seem like the types that can reinvent themselves from failed starters into great relievers and both seem like solid clubhouse guys.

HOT TAKE: I love it. And for the first time I can remember, the Cubs bullpen is actually going to be a strength rather than a grease fire. Rondon is perfectly adequate as a closer. Strop is solid as a setup guy. Grimm and Neil Ramirez? Good to great relievers! Adam Warren was great when he moved to the pen last year. And now with Clayton Richard in the fold, Travis Wood won't have to throw 3,000 innings a year and wear down like he did in 2015.

This has been as close to a perfect of an offseason as I could have hoped for. I wasn't onboard with every move initially, but all of the puzzle pieces fit together beautifully, with Theo and Jed once again proving that they are much smarter than I am when it comes to running a baseball team.

I could probably outdo Jim Hendry though.