Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 14

My desire to write a Hangover better than last week's is the only thing keeping me going. Let's see how I do.

Washington 24
Chicago 16
What did I miss? Jason Campbell got jacked up, Rex Grossman got jacked up and the Bears lost yet again.

Enter the Neckbeard for Week 15. I'm stocking up on Jack Daniels already.

Cincinnati 19
St. Louis 10
Holy shit, Brock Berlin is gainfully employed in the NFL? At this point I see Carson Palmer somehow dropping to like the 8th or 9th ranked QB in next year's preseason fantasy rankings, then blowing up. Also a "welcome back" goes out to Rudi Johnson who ran for 92 yards and a touchdown. Where the hell have you been all season asshole?

Dallas 28
Detroit 27
Detroit wins this week's "Haha Look at You!" Award for blowing the game against Dallas. Yep, I'm pretty sure Jesus hates the Lions. That's 5 losses in a row for Detroit now, as they find themselves on the wrong side of the playoff fence.

Green Bay 38
Oakland 7
Is anyone supposed to be intimidated with an offense that features Josh McCown and Huggy Bear Fargas? The Packers certainly weren't as they rolled to victory. The jury was still out for me on Green Bay earlier in the season, but with Ryan Grant establishing himself as a viable option in the running game, and with the Bears out of the running, I'm putting my suppoert behind the Pack. (Dodge flying beer bottles) What?! Screw you assholes, who else in the NFC should I cheer for, the Cowboys?

Buffalo 38
Miami 17
7-6 or not, beating the piss out of a Miami team that has for all intents and purposes given up doesn't make you a good team. What do you think is greater, the number of catchers the Cubs used this past season or the number of RB's the Dolphins have used? Answer: It's a tie at 7.

Houston 28
Tampa Bay 14
With Ahman Green out of the picture, the Great Daynes certainly had something to cheer about this week.....but not for long. Dayne eventually got hurt, which made way for Hootie and the Blowfish frontman, Darius Walker.

"Haha Look at You!" Award runner-up to the Houston front office for essentially throwing away draft picks for the ineffective Matt Schaub when they had the perfectly capable Sage Rosenfels already on the payroll.

San Diego 23
Tennessee 17
The Chargers win again and pretty much punch their ticket into the playoffs. Speaking of playoffs, the TMS Tecmo Simulator 2000 is already being calibrated for the upcoming playoffs. I'm going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out how to program inevitable bad coaching from Norv Turner.

Jacksonville 37
Carolina 6
I think I've said it before but I'll mention it again. Carolina Panthers, not very good. Christ, how far they've fallen without the incredibly overrated Jake Delhomme at QB.

How about the Jags by the way? Solid defense, David Garrard has turned into a pretty good QB, and Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew provides them with two great running options. At this point I'm pretty much putting my support behind any playoff-bound teams that aren't from New England, Indy, San Diego, Dallas, or Seattle. Packers-Jags in the Super Bowl!

New York Giants 16
Philadelphia 13
Hey Donovan McNabb is back. Obvious Philly can get back to winning again.....oh wait.

God damn Giants. They're 9-4 and yet I'm wholly unimpressed by this team, and that's without my hatred of Mongoloid Manning clouding my judgment. My prediction: Giants get bounced in the first round by Minnesota.

Seattle 42
Arizona 21
There's only so much the Sultan of Stubble can do in this post-9/11 society.

Minnesota 27
San Francisco 7
Adrian Peterson, 14 carries, 3 yards. Thankfully San Francisco is the worst team in the league, and I am counting Miami when I say that. I'm sure Frank Gore is happy that his best years are being utterly wasted in a Niners uniform.

New England 34
Pittsburgh 13
New England ran 8 run plays all game. EIGHT! You know what they're going to do and it still doesn't matter. I think it's clear that Belichick has sold his soul (and his wardrobe) to Satan. Don't you worry Billy Boy, as this article from Cubby-Blue points out, you'll get your's in due time.

Denver 41
Kansas City 7
If only Denver could have played 16 home games against the Chiefs, then maybe my pick for them to win the Super Bowl wouldn't have seemed so ridiculous. Oh well, it's still not as bad as my atrocious 4th prediction for the Red Sox last season. In other news, there have been multiple confirmations that Brandon Marshall can in fact catch a football.

Indianapolis 44
Baltimore 20
You know 37-7 would have been a suitable final score for a blowout game. In this case that was the score at halftime. Holy crap, did you see the stands in the middle of the second quarter? It was like a ghost town. Can you blame them though? Who would want to watch Kyle Boller take a shit in the rain for 3 hours?

Cleveland 24
New York Jets 18
You gotta be happy for Cleveland. After years of being the doormat in the AFC they finally appear to be playoff-bound. I guess they should enjoy it now, since next year they'll take a huge step back when Derek Anderson is playing for someone else and Brady Quinn is struggling mightily behind center.

New Orelans 34
Atlanta 14
Chris freaking Redman started at QB. Last time Redman started a game in the NFL, the DC snipers were still at large and the Bush Administration was just in the process of duping everyone into thinking we should go to Iraq.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

Road Salt - God bless you in all your ice melting glory

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

People overreacting to an ice storm - Holy shit, we live in the Midwest people! We have the capable means to mitigate such winter storms. There is no need to ransack the local Hy-Vee in case you get stuck in your home for 18 hours.

War Hero: 1984 Fleer Jay Johnstone Card

Argue all you want against the contrary, but this is in fact, the greatest baseball card of all time. I did a quick and dirty Google search to see if anyone actually sells Budweiser umbrella hats. Alas, no dice. Although I did find the blog Shoeboxes and Rubber Bands, which had a much better image of the card than I did. So thanks to them for helping spread the glory of this card to the masses.

Vick Sent To The Pound

Michael Vick's sentence came down today. Apparently the judge is friends with Roger Goodell/a dog lover/both because he laid the smackdown on Vick to the tune of 23 months in jail. Now best case scenario, Vick gets out with good behavior in 19 months or so.

Does he ever play in the NFL again?

I say yes. Here's the reasons why:

1. Regardless of how long he's out of the league for, Vick is still an elite athlete. He can continue to go all Ed Norton in jail and work out and stay in shape. And if Ricky Williams has taught us anything, it's that there are teams that will try and give a shot to just about anyone. As long as Vick will take the league minimum, he'll be suiting up for someone.

2. Vinny Testaverde can only come back so many times (Can't he?).

3. The Oakland Raiders will still be around. If anyone would sign (and start) Vick, it's the Raiders. They would sign Hitler if he could run a 4.3 40.

On that note, what position would famous people from history play? I could see Abe Lincoln being a pretty good wideout. But he'd have to watch out for Genghis Khan at linebacker when catching passes over the middle.

Discuss.

Friday's Headlines

You're probably busy getting ready for the weekend (i.e. vegging out at your desk waiting for your boss to leave so you can ditch out too), so here's a list of some of the top sports headlines to keep you informed.

Rex Grossman Blows Out Knee, Likely Done For Year
Kyle Orton Alert Level Raised to 'Orange'

Jason Kidd to Play After Supposed Strike
Derek Bell Calls Kidd "Little Pussy Quitter"

Thousands of Fans Arguing Tebow's Case For Heisman
Fans Fail to Acknowledge Award for Supposed "Best Player" Has Been a Fucking Joke for Years

Another Pittsburgh Player Guarantees Victory
Practice Squad Cornerback Guarantees Win in Scrimmage Over First Team Offense

Cubs Still Await Fukudome's Decision
Bootleg White Sox Shirt Vendor Takes Gamble and Prints 'Fuck You Do Me!' Shirts Anyway

Michigan Hires New Football Coach
After Numerous Rejections, AD Says, "Fuck it", Hires Contact of Coach Instead

Marlins Trade Away Both World Series Trophies
Loria Gets Two Tee Ball Trophies and World's Greatest Grandpa Mug in Return

Overrated: Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)

Happy F-ing Hanukkah Dodger Fans

Its Hanukkah, the festival of lights...or something. OK, I'll admit it, its just bullshit so Jewish kids don't totally get the shaft at Christmas time. Unless you run into a hasidic Jew with curls, you aren't likely to find one that can tell you what its actual religious significance is.

Back in real life, it means presents...and oh Dodger fans did your dotty old Uncle Ned get you something you won't forget!

Problem is, Ned isn't a Jew. He's an Italian, so he doesn't know what the hell to get you at Hanukkah. He recently married that insufferable Aunt who always asks when you're going to settle down with a nice Jewish girl. He wants to make a good impression on the family and make up for that crappy pen and pencil set he got you for your birthday, so he goes all out...and spends 18 million dollars a year on a career .263 hitter.

Yes, Uncle Ned, once again proving he's the worst Italian since Mussolini, broke the bank to give Dodger fans AndrEw Jones. A career .263 hitting centerfielder coming off his worst year is clearly what a team with too many outfielders needs. It would have been silly to get us that 3rd baseman we've been searching for since Ron Cey left town.

One overpaid, underproducing centerfielder wasn't enough. We needed another. Maybe the plan is to just leave 3rd base vacant. It couldn't be any worse than Nomar trying to play the field over there.

So whats my gripe with Jones aside from the fact another outfielder was completely unnecessary? Well, he doesn't hit for average or get on base a lot. He strikes out a ton and his defense is in decline. He also misspells his first name (which, as you can see, I refuse to play along with). The fact that the Dodgers now have $36 million dollars tied up in this sad sack doesn't help his case either.

So Happy Fucking Hanukkah Dodger fans. Ned and AndrEw...I hate you both.

FYI...if you do a Google image search for "Ned Colletti sucks" this picture of Bananarama comes up:

Overrated/Underrated: English things

For my first official post here at TMS, I thought long and hard about the best way to endear myself to the masses and the other wizards on the writing staff. After much deliberation, the answer came to me: I should rip apart my own country. It worked for Margaret Cho, it's still working for Lewis Black, and it will surely work in the future for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

So, without further ado, a comprehensive [read: 4 items on either side!] list of the overrated and underrated in England, as told by a limey.

OVERRATED

Beer: It's true. Our biggest alcoholic export is fast becoming a myth in terms of its unrivaled brilliance. Granted, we have a lot of excellent ales and whatnot [Theakston's Old Peculier is a personal favourite, along with John Smith's and Boddingtons], but there's also a lot of overhyped piss in a bottle. If I see you drinking Newcastle Brown Ale, I will punch you in the face. It's room temperature filtered excrement served in a clear bottle. The quality of yank brew is rapidly rising thanks to the microbrew movement, and my universal beer of choice is apparently from Oregon. Go figure. So yes. Drop the monologue about English beer being the saliva of God. It just isn't what it used to be.

Intelligence: A lot of pop culture's most wicked villains [and suavest heroes] have been born in the British Isles. There's something about the mystique of Oxford and Cambridge Universities that translates to a lust for worldwide domination and a gargantuan vocabulary. Across the world, us Brits have picked up a heady reputation of being smarter than thee and holier than thou. Alas, the veneer is cracking. As much as it pains me to admit, we're plummeting at an alarming rate. According to recent studies, the UK has dropped dramatically in both reading and maths, despite billions of taxpayer pounds being spent on the education system. It's troubling that future generations of my people are thus much stupider, and while I lament this downward spiral, it makes me thankful I was in the school system during the glory days. Looking at that chart in the second link, it would come as no surprise if the next wave of Hollywood supervillains hail from Finland.

Accent: once our greatest weapon in the war for casual sex, I have to call our accent as being overrated. While there is a degree of mirth in the way we say "tomato", "basil" or "parmesan", it gets tiring after a while on both sides of the equation. Don't get me wrong, the accent is still great, but once Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow attempt to skip onto the linguistic bandwagon, it has to become overrated by default. Seriously. Fuck Madonna. She should fuck off back to New Jersey or wherever and stop trying to run from who she is. [But that conversation is for another time.]

Music: Sigh, here we go. Music. We have produced some of the world's best EVER: The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Bones, the Who, Black Sabbath, Radiohead to name but six. However, there's a lot of shit trickling across the ocean now too, mainly because A&R muppets at the major labels have become accustomed to signing anyone with an accent [see: above] and jangly-sounding guitars. The Britpop movement was briefly inspired but ultimately pompous and frustrating to endure, our hip-hop scene is sadly lacking [which upsets me the most], and our pop singers are as vain and air-headed as any. I never could get into the Arctic Monkeys, and Bloc Party's 15 minutes have to end soon, don't they? While we are responsible for a lot of cultural touchstones in the history of music, there's a lot of dreck I wish I could erase. Our music ain't what it used to be.

UNDERRATED

Women: My country has been long ridiculed as the home of bad teeth and ugly people. While that may have been true in medieval times, I'm happy to report that it's no longer accurate. Thanks to the recent WAGs explosion [Wives and Girlfriends, for those not in the know], England is pulling back into the world's hottest totty rankings, and with good reason. Go on, take a look: Louise Redknapp, Alex Curran, Cheryl Cole, Michaela Henderson-Thynne, Abigail Clancy.... the list is gloriously endless. Thanks to them, England is shedding its reputation as the home of facial warts, dominating headmistresses, and wonky gumlines.

Food: It isn't all fish and chips you know. England has a lot of the world's best restaurants now, from the Fat Duck to all of Gordon Ramsay's digs across the country. While we do love our fried foods, we've a lot more to offer: meat pies, roasted oxtail, mushy peas, curry, gastropubs, as well as a lot of quality ethnic food.We even have this glorious thing called a Scotch Egg. Once you eat one, you'll shut up about our food. It's a hard-boiled egg covered in sausage meat, then breaded and cooked. It's fucking great! We eat them cold, like cholesterol-filled M&Ms for a delicious afternoon snack. Go on, make fun: I will counter by saying it's hard to get a meal in the US that isn't covered in melted cheese, barbeque sauce or those meat-free fat strips you call American bacon.

Comedy: Monty Python. 'Nuff said. It would be nice if our sense of humour transcends beyond obscure cult status and into the general consciousness. People preach about the bottomless genius of Seinfeld, but it would be nice if some of our comedies made it across here and had a chance to take root. Watch The IT Crowd and laugh uncontrollably. It might cure the malaise of seeing Kelsey Grammar fudge his way through another sitcom with some broad who was in an old sitcom too.

Weather: Shit on it if you will, but the weather in England is seriously underrated. We have a reputation of being the world's dumping ground for precipitation, but, the fact is, it's as warm in London today as it is in San Diego. Not exactly t-shirt and shorts weather, but then again, our pasty legs don't look good in half-pants. We do get more rain than the average place, but we don't suffer the crippling frigidity of New England and the Midwest during the winter, nor do we sweat out of our skins during the summer months. Our weather is like Baby Bear's porridge: not too hot, not too cold. Just right.

So there you have it. Hopefully I'm part of the gang now. Tear me to shreds in the comments, but just know that my comebacks will be funnier, smarter, and better-looking.

Realm of Red Presents: Ronald McDonald Files a Report From the Winter Meetings, Day One

I'll be the first to admit. I have a weight problem. I also have a drinking problem, three children out of wedlock, horrifying cholesterol and a bizarre hatred of the elderly*. But you know what? I also have a great sense of direction. Not so much 'direction in life' so to speak, but getting from Point A to Point B, that kind of shit. Of course that all goes out the window after a couple of Apple Pucker-Absinthe mixers, but that's neither here nor there. What I'm trying to say is that Ronald McDonald doesn't get lost.

So here I am, ready to file my first report from the Winter Meetings. The problem? I'm in Florida. Since when have the winter meetings been in Nashville of all places? That seems both illogical and ill advised. Clearly I should have just Googled the son of a bitch.

Instead, defying all logic, I took direction from a one Thomas Buzanis, who called me from his houseboat. The conversation went something like this.

T: Oh Ronald, hey motherfucker! Why don't you come down to the coast, hop on the houseboat and we'll go fishing for marlins...and WHORES!

(This sounded strangely enticing at the time.)

R: Tommy your reception is really bad. I can barely hear you.

T: Yeah, I'm on my portable phone.

R: A portable phone? On a boat? Jesus 'Miami Vice', do you have a salmon colored blazer on without a shirt too?

T: Yeah, why?

(Pause)

R: Anyway, Tommy I need to go to the winter baseball meetings. It's God's calling for me.

T: I thought God's calling for you was giving children diarrhea by way of greasy, sloppily prepared beef burgers. Naw, come on down here. The meetings are going on right now. I can see them from my boat.

R: That's unlikely. Are you sure you're not thinking of spring training?

T: No, no. They do all that baseball shit down here. Spring Training, Hall of Fame, Home Run Derby, all of it. Come on down. I'll get you a one-on-one with Commissioner Giamatti. Paul.

R: For Christ Sakes Tommy, Bart Giamatti died of a massive heart attack almost 20 years ago.

(Silence)

T: My son likes that band Massive Attack.

R: Huh?

T: (shouting) Hey everybody, drinks on Uncle Tommy. We're gonna toast Commissioner Giamatti. That fat son of a bitch was a good man. (Singing and clapping) Born in the USA! I was...BORN in the USA! (phone goes dead)

So here I am, Day 3 in Florida, holed up on Tommy's houseboat. living off of cheap gin and Gardetto's. To recap my stay here so far:

Day 1: Tommy declares it a 'day of celebration' and invites over Jimmy Johnson, Barry Switzer, Sam Elliot, Pat Hughes and a bevy of Eastern European 'dancers'. He gives us each a copy of The Who's "Tommy", all of which he autogrpahed with a silver Sharpie.

Day 2: We are all decidedly hungover and Tommy declares this a 'day of rest, like Jesus would want'. Tommy's hangover cure all consists of putting a raw steak on our forehead and leaving it there for no less than six hours. This actually seems to make it worse.

Day 3: Tommy spends much of the morning prank calling his ex-wife on his portable phone. Later, we decide to drop by his estranged daughter's high school graduation open house to score some free booze and complimentary ham. This does not go well. After being escorted from the premises by a deceptively strong homosexual couple, we end up at Bennigan's, eating Monte Cristos and steak sandwhiches while splitting a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris. Tommy tells me to regale him with stories about Nam', even though I explain to him repeatedly that I never went to Nam'. He won't let it drop though, so finally I just make some shit up.

Day 4: A mid-morning game of strip poker becomes awkward upon the realization that it's only me and Tommy playing.

Alas, don't worry dear reader. I have a one-way Greyhound pass to Nashville and I'm on the Red-eye out of town in a few hours. I will then be able to file reports on America's past time in a horribly untimely fashion, provided I don't meet up with Mark Grace and end up playing tonsil hockey with Tanya Tucker at a bar called Fat Patty's.

Until next time queers.

*It was this irrational hatred of the elderly that led me to wander into a theatre showing 'No Country for Old Men'. "Goddamn right it isn't", I exclaimed as I walked into the crowded theatre. Long story short, I didn't get it and ended up catching the last 20 minutes of 'Dan In Real Life'. I didn't really get that one either.

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 13

Welcome to a very special "Mail it in" edition of the Hangover. Let's plow through these games as I mourn the 2007 Bears season. R.I.P.

Dallas 37
Green Bay 27
I didn't feel like leaving the comforts of my home to go watch this at a goddamn Buffalo Wild Wings. Wow that franchise needs a War Criminal, or an Overrated at the very least. Who the hell likes that place? Probably the same people that actually choose Applebee's as a legitimate dining choice on a regular basis. In fact BWW is the Applebee's of sports bars. The only reason you really should be there is because you're not familiar with the area and that's your only option near your hotel.

What? Oh yeah, Favre got hurt and the Packers lost. Whoopidee doo!

Tennessee 28
Houston 20
It's a battle for AFC South supremacy as two Big 12 QB's clash! Vince Young vs. Sage Rosenfels. Who will win?

Actually I would've taken Sage for more passing yards than Young, but Vince actually didn't do too bad. He even threw for more TD's than picks for a change.

Indianapolis 28
Jacksonville 25
This really was Indy's last big test before the playoffs. Unless of course a pissed off Baltimore team comes out next week and murders Peyton. Nonetheless Jacksonville still seems on track for a Wild Card.

Delaware 39
Northern Iowa 27
Well, it was a good run while it lasted. A couple key turnovers and the Panthers inability to stop Delaware on third down conversions killed them. The Blue Hens move on the semifinals against the Southern Illinois Salukis.

San Diego 24
Kansas City 10
That makes it 5 losses in a row now for KC. My prediction, the Chiefs lose their last 4 games and finish 4-12, Herm Edwards gets canned. Also San Diego gets bounced in the first round of the playoffs due to Norv Turner's ineptitude.

Minnesota 42
Detroit 10
I'm far from being a Vikings fan, but nothing brought me more joy than seeing them completely destroy the Lions. Much to the delight of my fantasy team, Adrian Peterson came back and ran quite well.

Carolina 31
San Francisco 14
In the "Who really gives a shit?" game of the week. Carolina and the rifle arm of Rasputin Testaverde easily handled the Niners. Rookie LB Patrick Willis had 18 tackles for the second straight week. Apparently he's the only guy playing for San Francisco that knows how to tackle.

Buffalo 17
Washington 16
Things you don't hear anyone saying: "You know who I like to make the postseason? Buffalo." How the hell is Buffalo still in the playoff hunt? Seriously.

Stick a fork in the Skins. They were faltering anyway and now they've got some pretty hefty emotional baggage on top of them. Which is too bad because I was really hoping Gibbs could've gotten back in the playoffs.

New York Jets 40
Miami 13
Hey Miami. You know how I know you're gay? You gave up 40 to the Jets. Ugh, I got nothing. Mark it down. As I mentioned at the beginning, it's "Mail it in" week.

Seattle 28
Philadelphia 24
Apparently A.J. Feeley's only good for keeping the game close but inevitably losing it. Does anyone even like Seattle besides say folks from Washington state? There's nothing sexy about this team, their best player has been a gimp for most of the season, and any lingering likability from this team was washed away by all the incessant whining over them getting "screwed" by the refs in the Super Bowl. Go away Seahawks. Take a cue from Cobain and Staley.

St. Louis 28
Atlanta 16
I think it's obvious that Steven Jackson's presence in the Rams offense makes all the difference in the world. Then again, I'm pretty sure if you lose to the Falcons at this point you get relegated to Arena League.

Oakland 34
Denver 20
I don't know what's more amazing. The fact the Raiders have won two in a row, or Tim Dwight is still alive in this league?

Arizona 27
Cleveland 21
Arizona was able to keep their playoff hopes alive and Chaim was able to back off the ledge a bit. The Sultan of Stubble was serviceable and got the job done. We'll see how they do this week with Fitzgerald and Boldin banged up. Who are their backups? Bryant Johnson? David Boston? Roy Green?

New York Giants 21
Chicago 16
Well the first half was good. Someone should tell Rex Grossman that his receivers are in fact not 9 feet tall and he should perhaps not overthrow so much. Well at least the Bears are done cockteasing me in believing they could possibly sneak into a Wild Card spot.

Tampa Bay 27
New Orleans 23
Speaking of teams that blew their playoff hopes, the Saints probably saw their's go in the toilet after Devery Henderson fumbled an ugly toss from Reggie Bush late. Why was Sean Payton even going to a trick play in that sort of situation?

Pittsburgh 24
Cincinnati 10
The Steelers didn't struggle nearly as much in the rain this week as they were able to muster up more than a field goal to take down the Bengals.

New England 27
Baltimore 24
Wow. Baltimore pretty much did everything short of just handing the Patriots the ball while giving them a clear path to the endzone to ensure they'd lose that game. I was really torn with this game. Part of me wanted the Pats to finally lose, yet at the same time I can't stand the Ravens. Baltimore is now only 2 losses away from the 10-loss prophecy.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tony Romo, DAL (19-30, 309 yards, 4 TD)
RB - LaDainian Tomlinson, SD (177 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Hines Ward, PIT (11 catches, 90 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Reggie Wayne, IND (8 catches, 158 yards, 1 TD)
TE - Dallas Clark, IND (7 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Carolina (14 points allowed, 6 sacks, 4 interceptions, 1 TD)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - John Beck, MIA (177 yards, 0 TD, 3 interceptions)
RB - Detroit Lions Running Game (7 rushes, 23 yards, WOOOOO!)
WR - Darrell Jackson, SF (1 catch, 12 yards)
WR - Calvin Johnson, DET (1 catch 17 yards
TE - Antonio Gates, SD (1 catch, -1 yard)
DEF - Green Bay (37 points allowed, 0 sacks)

You Make The Call

Adrian Peterson................................or..............................Adrian Peterson

A Simple Diagram Part 2

I've come to the conclusion that the more Jim Hendry has a mancrush on a prospect, the more likely said prospect will fail to be any good in the majors. As you can see my optimism for Felix Pie is waning.

It's Getting Stale in Here

In the immortal words of Ryan White, "It's time for some new blood."

Since some of the bartenders have become lazy bastards, or in their words "too busy with work", I thought I'd bring in a new guy to spice things up, maybe even replace the shiftless layabouts. There's no resting on your laurels in the Saloon fellas! Brant Brown I'm on to you.

Please welcome Lingering Bursitis (LB) to TMS. LB previously wrote for the eponymous and now defunct Cubs blog, Lingering Bursitis, and currently writes at Feed Me Good Tunes. He also claims to comment on some site called Dead-spin, whatever that is. Give him a hearty TMS welcome.

*crickets*

LINGERING BURSITIS

Real Name: James

Where are you from? Liverpool, England

Where are you now? New York City [the dangerous part]

Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs

Favorite Current Player(s): Mike Fontenot, Hanley Ramirez, Fausto Carmona

Favorite All-Time Player(s): Ryne Sandberg, Rick Sutcliffe

First MLB game you attended: I got a late start to the party.... a 4-3 loss to the Mets in Shea Stadium in late-2004. Prior was lights out through 7 2/3, then LaTroy coughed up a game-tying 3-run HR with 2 outs in the 9th to Victor fucking Diaz and some dude named Brazell hit a walk-off HR in the 11th.

Any memorable encounters with MLB players? I ran into A-Rod on 56th street just a couple of weeks after the Yankees' 2007 post-season "run" ended. I thanked him for carrying my fantasy team when it mattered most, and as he walked away, slightly confused, I mumbled "you're still a prick, though" under my breath. I could have sworn that he heard me, as he hesitated slightly and began to turn his head, but he thought better of it and kept walking towards Park Avenue. Oh, and one time I got down to the expensive seats and told Paul Bako he should consider another line of work.

Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Rick Sutcliffe. The drink of choice would be a 30-pack of PBR each.

Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Jose Macias, Neifi Perez, Joba Chamberlain [to see if his face is really made of cotton candy], Roger Clemens [to see if his face is really made of money and unbridled arrogance], Jim Edmonds, David Eckstein, A-Rod [to see if I could beat some sense into him].

Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Adam Dunn or Richie Sexson, because I bet when they swing at me, they'd miss. [wocka wocka!]

What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The mustache. I don't see how it could be anything else.

What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Manowar. They taught me that the way to a woman's heart is through wearing leather or leopard print speedos, and it's stood me in good stead ever since.

What's your favorite beer? Rogue Morimoto Ale. If I'm poorer: give me Brahma. That Brazilian lager is like lighter fluid mixed with methamphetamine. If I'm even poorer: PBR.

What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz

What's the most valuable baseball card you own? I don't really own any.

If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Steve Stone and Bobcat Goldthwait, with Erin Andrews in close for the sideline updates.

What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I'd rather see him in a hobo fight, because I'd derive great pleasure from him being poor, desperate and homeless.

Bartender Banter: Hot Stoves, Daredevils and BCS BS

So the baseball hot stove has really heated up in the last week. The Yankees and Red Sox are nearly to the point of offering sexual favors to the Twins for Johan Santana, the Angels are trying to land their future DH, Miguel "El Gordo" Cabrera from the Marlins, the Mets ditched Lastings Milledge to Washington for Brian Schneider, Ryan Church and some crack rocks, and several other rumors are swirling all over the place...

...and none of them seem to be involving the Cubs.

Maybe they're just keeping their talks on the down low, I don't know. What I do know is that all we've gotten so far is a mediocre middle infielder, nearly got another one (Thank you Houston!), Ryan Dempster apparently is our #5 starter at the moment, and we don't have anyone to start at CF or RF (Although there's a certain redhead that could take the one spot). The only thing I have heard is that we're trying to land #1 Slugger. That's great, but what if said deal is never realized? Why do I have this feeling we're gonna be heading into opening day with Mike Cameron at CF? Mike Cameron, if ever there was a guy worthy of an overrated post, it'd be him.

Remembering Evel
As you probably already know Evel Kneivel passed away on Friday at the age of 69. What can you say about the guy? It's amazing he lived that long. He jumped numerous things on a motorcycle, he broke an insane amount of bones, he had a walking cane that doubled as a receptacle for his Jack Daniels, and he once beat a man bloody with a baseball bat. He was the face of extreme sports well before anyone was tossing that term around. Plus with no Evel Kneivel, there would've been no Super Dave Osborne. Godspeed Evel.


On the Death League front Daft Funk has scored 7 points and taken the early lead. Here's an update of the standings.

1. Daft Funk - 7 points
2. GovernorGrayDavis - 5 points
3. Six people with 0 points

BCS Bowls Announced
Ohio State and LSU will duke it out for the National Championship. I guess this is better than Missouri vs. West Virginia. The other bowls I'm just confused with. How does Kansas get to play in a BCS bowl but Missouri gets the shaft? So much for being rewarded for playing a tougher schedule. Illinois in the Rose Bowl? Huh? I cannot condone any team that lost to Iowa being worthy of a BCS bid. If this bizarre season proved anything it's that not having a playoff is still absolutely absurd.

Last year I went off on the BCS and made my proposal for a 16 team playoff instead.

"But Chip, then there wouldn't be any bowls for the other teams to go to."

As of right now there are 32 bowls. That means in Division I-A football, which has 120 schools, more than half go to a bowl game. Does anyone else find this a bit ridiculous? Either way, I say keep some of the bowls. 16 teams can play in the playoffs and the other 48 teams can play in a bowl game. Look, unless you're a fan of that school or a compulsive gambler, the vast majority of the bowls are completely pointless anyway, so why not just keep them? Cincinnati can play Florida Atlantic in the Heinz Ketchup Bowl or whatever, that's great. I'll be over here watching the playoffs not paying attention like I would have done anyway.

My proposal for the playoff format consisted of automatic bids for the 11 conference champions, plus 5 at large bids. Looking at the final standings, and using the final BCS rankings for the at larges, this is what the playoff bracket would look like.